It’s Friday night, baby. Time to rock that cholesterol with fast food and go hog-wild on LinkedIn. In a greasy sodium rush you ask yourself: how do you know that you’ve gone too far? Are your LinkedIn habits making you unhireable? Well, we’ve ranked the major fast food franchise mascots below as a barometer for how annoying you could possibly be on LinkedIn. Think of this as a guide, helpful when navigating contact with random old schoolmates, people you emailed once ten years ago, and bygone coworkers from companies that no longer exist. Let’s jump into this professional network hellscape!
14. Happy Star (Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s)
Happy Star gives the occasional like and is barely online. They’re just glad to be here, quietly chilling in your connections list. Easily the least annoying of the bunch, only weird when they start posting about their New Age interests. Apparently they’ve gotten into crystal energy healing in Arizona and have started offering “wellness courses.” Anyway, this Happy Star is most likely enjoying life away from their computer, and they’ll sometimes remind you about that with a post.
13. The Taco Bell Chihuahua
Sure, he’s from your distant past, but this little fella is a lurker. Why is he always looking at your page? You can always rely on seeing this guy in your notifications. You give him a pass because it’s Taco Bell and that’s still your fast food of choice, but this dude will even like and comment on sponsored content. Typical chihuahua, responds to anything. Mostly in barks and quivers – don’t move too quickly around him.
12. Birdie the Early Bird
Who is on LinkedIn posting advice at 5 a.m.? It’s Birdie. The early bird gets the worm and apparently hijacks the algorithm, so you’re constantly seeing her posts. But there’s some sound advice in there, so you don’t mind. Sometimes you’ll screenshot one and, like most people, never look at it again. She was apparently the first female McDonald’s mascot so, if anything, Birdie is a trailblazer. Also, she seems to actually be into eating worms.
11. Jollibee Bee
Too many selfies from the Jollibee Bee, plus they post way, way too often. Interacts with anything you post, too. Lots of emojis, especially the awful “laugh-cry” to punctuate sentences. You don’t exactly know what they do, but they are always sharing “wins” or excited about some new campaign. Constantly networking, always busy. They’re a fucking bee, afterall. But there’s something weirdly comforting about seeing a giant red bee at all of these events. You remind yourself that it’s just a parasocial relationship, you don’t actually know this bright red bee. But you know they spoke on multiple panels last year and made Forbes 30 Under 30.
10. Grimace (McDonald’s)
Grimace treats LinkedIn like Facebook, sending unsolicited messages and oversharing constantly. Anytime a celebrity dies, Grimace posts a long rambling post about how much this “visionary” meant to them, somehow bringing it back to a recent injury or a clogged toilet. Way too many mentions of clogged toilets. Every other post is about a clogged toilet. Makes you consider Grimace’s anatomy in a way you never wanted to. What the fuck even is Grimace? Either way, you have a message from him on LinkedIn waiting for you.
9. Little Caesar’s PIZZA! PIZZA! Guy
Announces every job transition as though he were the fucking President resigning. Every career transition is like an awards acceptance speech, with multiple people tagged and awkardly thanked. Conjures up the most bland lessons learned imaginable. Wow, “teamwork makes the dreamwork,” huh? How long did that one take? The Little Caesar’s guy distributes half-hearted compliments to everyone before sharing a “quirky” office photo that makes absolutely no sense. Has honestly quoted lyrics from Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” when discussing his career change. Also, for some reason, frequently repeats his comments and types in all caps.
8. The Noid (Domino’s Pizza)
We all have that LinkedIn connection that makes you wonder: How the fuck do I even know this person? Their name is vaguely familiar, at best. You’d click on their profile, but the last thing you need is them knowing you’ve looked at their profile page. This is basically The Noid. He’s familiar but also kinda not, like a dream or the shittiest déjà vu you can imagine. Anyway, the Noid uses posts as a way to talk about recent “personal challenges,” mostly about stopping pizza deliveries in his neighborhood. What is this dude’s deal?
Self-titled albums are usually either a band’s debut LP, or a back to basics effort years and/or albums later. This one is neither, which makes it quite tough to talk about, especially after the band’s almost perfect breakout first ska-punk LP, and their dark follow-up sophomore hardcore album. This one may have been held in higher regard if it was the band’s first album, but it sadly sounds like a cash grab, which we know is the goal of a major label release, but we’re still mad salty and sour here. Still, we find it extremely hilarious that Disney’s Hollywood Records thought that a band called The Suicide Machines would break into the mainstream like Belle and the Beast, and even more so with this album. In closing, while the first two tracks on this record have stood the test of time, the others sadly haven’t.
No one, not even Julius Caesar or Harry Potter, was expecting a new The Suicide Machines LP in the 2010s, let alone in the 2020s FIFTEEN years after their truly great album predecessor “War Profiteering Is Killing Us All,” but Jason Navarro and company love to keep ya guessing, and delivered this decade one of the better ska-punk intentionally-or-unintentionally throwback records. The band’s seventh album “Revolution Spring” came out via Fat Wreck Chords six days into Spring 2020, and just days after the Covid lockdowns started, which was a freaking romp of an empty time. Still, despite you thinking that we are eternal contrarians, we really don’t think that cold, cold, cold Detroit is the new hot, hot, hot Miami, even though it may resemble the Whole Foods known as Williamsburg with far more crime right now.
We’ll get to their most underrated LP later, but “Steal This Record,” the band’s fourth album and last major label release, is certainly The Suicide Machines’ second most underappreciated effort in their seven-album catalog. Funnily, they pulled a Chumbawamba by telling/advising/notifying/commanding people to steal an actual record, which is technically criminal behavior sans honor, that likely cost Hollywood Records six figures to make, which should also be illegal. Stand up if you agree, and provide a killing blow if you don’t. We’re unsure as to what caused the frenetic direction of this full-length, but it definitely sounds angry front to back, and most certainly more so than the band’s third and self-titled studio album. The record also came out fourteen days after the awful 9/11 tragedy, and said disaster put a pin in the band’s first single “The Killing Blow” before it even had a chance.
The fifth LP from The Suicide Machines and their first of two non-major label releases to be released on SideOneDummy Records, former home of the now disgraced Anti-Flag, likeminded Big D and the Kids Table, the impossible to describe Gogol Bordello, and Dio. For many hardcore fans of TSM, this record served as a glorious return to form after its elimination on album #3. The Suicide Machines’ highlight track from this album, which has a surprisingly high number of public streams, “High Anxiety,” is a killer ska-punk anthem, and was even featured on the soundtrack to “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2”… Do you even skate, bro? A cool point to mention is that “A Match and Some Gasoline” is the first of two TSM LPs to be recorded in The Blasting Room by Descendents’ Bill Stevenson, and The Virginia Sisters’/Blood Brothers’ Jason Livermore.
The band’s sixth/last LP for quite some time known as “War Profiteering Is Killing Us All” is the band’s best record from this century and serves as a similar sequel to 2003, like 1998 was to 1996’s for the band in genre form, songwriting prowess, and a tasty, tasty, tasty rectangular pan pizza with a crisp crust, but not a crust punk, hosers. Overall, it is a critique of the bottomed-out George Walker Bush, the meh sequel to George Herbert Walker Bush’s administration, which was very common in the punk rock world between 2000-2008, but The Suicide Machines executed its bitter sentiment better than most. Also, the tune “I Went On Tour for Ten Years And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” is not only rad/long/fun/vibey AF, but it is one of the better song titles from a band in the Warped Tour scene.
The Suicide Machines’ sophomore LP “Battle Hymns” is BY FAR their most underrated in their vast catalog, and we would’ve love loved/hate hated to see what the goons on Twitter would’ve said about this one if it was around in the late-’90s, but happily, Elon Musk was doing way cooler things then than his troll high society billionaire shizz now. Please speak no evil about this record, as we can’t take that kind of rejection from you all; sympathy for the devil. As objective/subjective masters of our craft, we theorize that the unjustified hate for this record is because it was such a departure, and even Hollywood Records agreed, despite the fact that they are the premier hardcore punk label in all of, err, Hollywood. Like album #4, the bad babies in The Suicide Machines encouraged theft for this one, which is step one for cockblocking your work.
Like its three mega conglomerate label sequels, The Suicide Machines’ debut and groundbreaking LP “Destruction By Definition” was produced by their A&R label dude, and revered songwriter Julian Raymond, who also worked with Fastball, Cheap Trick, Mutemath, and Robert Johnson. Mr. Raymond killed it here, and the proof is in the pudding regarding track four, “No Face,” which received radio and MTV play for a lil bit, and in the band’s best song “Break The Glass,” which was on the soundtrack to the Oscar-winning “An American Werewolf in Ann Arbor.” A badass opinion is that the band’s bonus track “I Don’t Wanna Hear It” is a solid ska-punk rendition of your straight edge second cousin’s favorite song. S.O.S.: In closing, B-Rabbit opened for The Suicide Machines at the world-famous St. Andrews Hall in 1996, got booed off the stage, and wept.
Sandy would never become a Trump supporter. He’s a bleeding-heart liberal, from his loafers to those incredibly sexy bushy eyebrows. This is a guy who adopted a kid from Chino, but let’s be fair, it was a White kid, and his own child was kind of a dud. Real Biden voter here.
Surprised that the “Welcome to the O.C., bitch” guy is this far down the list? Sure, he may be a dick, but Luke is the guy who learned to deal with his own homophobic feelings after his dad turned to be a closeted car dealer and then moved to Portland, where we assume he joined a folk-punk band, so he’s probably pretty Blue.
Ryan is exactly the kind of working-class White kid full of resentment and anger you would go straight-up MAGA. But look at his track record: adopted Jewish brother, Latina girlfriend, dead White girlfriend. This kid knows the value of diversity in American culture.
The Dean of Harbor High School has seen some shit. Every student she’s ever seen has OD’d, held someone at gunpoint, or been poor, and she dealt with them all with a fair hand and didn’t even accuse them of being part of a vast pedophile conspiracy. That’s really all we can expect from educators at this point.
Luke’s mom barely appeared in the series, which means that she doesn’t have the screen presence to join something like Moms for Liberty and, by default, isn’t as bad as she could. Count your blessings, gay-cuckolded Mom.
Grandma Cohen would hate Trump with a passion, but don’t think that makes her liberal. She hates estate taxes and would spit on the grave of FDR if she could, and by that, we mean if she could again. She’s really overbearing, but she knows Anti-Semitism when she sees it.
This shameless Lindsay Lohan clone has a “Dennis Kucinich for President” bumper sticker, and her dad is a ruthless capitalist asshole. She could only be an Ivanka-style MAGA icon or go hard in the other direction, and she chose the second one. Plus, she moved to Chicago, which we all know is a Godless liberal hellhole, so she’s for sure not MAGA.
Rebecca Bloom, AKA Sandy’s sketchy college ex-girlfriend, might have killed a man and burnt down a lab, or maybe she didn’t. It’s pretty unclear, unlike her intentions to fuck a married guy she once took a Writing 101 class with. Either way, she refused to narc on the friends who may or may not have burnt down that lab, which differentiates her from pretty much everyone in Trump’s inner circle. She’s a scumbag (probably), but not that kind.
This one is surprising because you’d think that Marissa Cooper’s even wilder younger sister would be asshole enough to, at the very least, start voting hardcore racist Republican because the boring white guy she inevitably settles down and marries would force her to. However, she’s actually more likely to end up being married to Trump someday, which would mean she would hate his guts with a fire previously unseen in this world.
Dennis Childress (or “Chili,” as his buddies hated to call him) is your classic SoCal surfer dude: blonde and with a dead best friend. Plain and simple, this guy is too much of a dope even to be aware of politics, let alone a rabid white Christian nationalist movement to remove power from elected officials and place it in the hands of grifters. He’s too busy hanging ten, bro.
Much like her daughter Kaitlin, socialite mom Julie Cooper seems like she would be an automatic MAGA voter. She loves money, is willing to fuck old men, and hates poor people. However, she’s smart enough to recognize a scumbag when she sees it and probably isn’t even registered to vote. Voting is for Chino scum.
Holly Fischer was Marissa and Summer Roberts’ best friend at the beginning of the series, but she just couldn’t stop fucking Luke’s brains out at any opportunity. In all honesty, Holly would probably show up at a few MAGA rallies if she heard there were yard-long margaritas there, but her heart wouldn’t really be in it.
The Latin community in the United States has a depressingly deep conservative streak, which raises the possibility that Ryan’s old girlfriend in Chino could have headed that direction. On the other hand, she was not okay with being physically abused by a domestic partner, which puts her at odds with one of the primary standards of the modern GOP.
Summer’s dad is Orange County’s premiere plastic surgeon and a devoted father who has spent his adult life ensuring that his children are cared for, feel appreciated, loved, and respected, and grow up with a solid sense of self. What we’re saying is that he and Trump probably don’t have a lot in common other than elective surgery.
Surfer girl Casey’s only purpose on the show was to cheat on her boyfriend with a different surfer and get angry at Marissa for being prettier than her. To be honest, we’re going to guess she’s not very conservative nowadays because she died of a meth overdose in 2008.
Alex Kelly was the bad girl of the O.C. social scene, which basically means she had purple streaks in her hair and dated women sometimes, which would barely qualify her as a chaotic-neutral girl these days. She’s too contrarian to really have a cohesive political stance beyond “you suck,” so she’d probably be a Bernie voter these days.
Speaking of chaotic, Hailey Nichol is another of Orange County’s trademark wild child types lashing out against a rich daddy, or a Tiffany Trump, if you will. While many rebels end up going neo-con when they (figuratively) grow up, Hailey managed to find enough stability over the course of the show to be judgmental about others, which makes her a perfect Hillary voter.
The younger brother of Luke, this California funboy somehow had less personality than anyone but his twin brother Eric. When his older brother moved to Portland to be indoctrinated by hippie liberals, Brad stayed behind to uphold his legacy of being the biggest idiot on the beach. Undoubtedly, he could not name the current President if his life depended on it, let alone figure out what “MAGA” stands for.
See above, but flip the names.
Heather with no last name once helped kidnap Marissa, helping to trigger the events that (spoiler!) led to her death, but also managed to realize maybe she shouldn’t be helping evil people out of resentment for others. We like to think she enrolled in community college, currently works as a vet tech, and isn’t “very political.”
Gordon “The Bullet” Bullit is a wealthy Texas oilman and, as such, probably has some unpleasant views about race and which ones are best. However, he’s willing to ‘fess up that he’s done some prison time and probably would get along terribly with the Trump family, so he’d probably back whoever the current-day equivalent of Ross Perot is, just for kicks. Beto, maybe?
