Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless

Posted on by Tyler Roland

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is absolutely fucking useless, sources with arguably washed hands confirmed.

“Jeez, where do I start?” began patron Graham Frazer while washing his hands in the toilet since the faucet was broken. “The urinal was bad enough. I pissed on enough cigarette butts to line an aquarium. Sure, dives typically have every restroom surface covered in graffiti and STDs, but the scene stickers and grime are just caked on the mirror. I had to lick my fingers and rub out a circle to barely see myself, like a kid does with a foggy window. Not even Windex would make a dent on this mirror. On top of that there wasn’t any soap or paper towels. This whole restroom situation is barely functional.”

Fellow patron and habitual cocaine user Dane Kaiser had fewer criticisms for the subpar reflective surface available in the latrine.

“Oh, yeah, uh, there’s no problem here. I just used the little mirror I brought with me in my wallet!” Kaiser exclaimed while wiping his nose. “I really don’t care that there isn’t a big mirror, like, you just need to pretend to wash your hands in there, yeah? Mirrors are only good for one thing and that’s snortable drugs. Otherwise, they’re pretty useless.” 

Harlux owner and founder Gina Ricardo is adamant that her venue does not need a traditional mirror for the men’s restroom. 

“If you come to Harlux, you already know that you’re one of the best-looking motherfuckers in town. So why the hell would you need a mirror?!” Ricardo declared as she polished a beer glass. “If you need to look at yourself, you could probably check your reflection in the toilet water. Or maybe try the reflective part of the hand dryer that everyone keeps telling me is busted. Or just go to the fucking Ritz-Carlton and use their shitter if I’m not good enough for ya.”

At press time, Harlux’s men’s bathroom no longer had a mirror, which fell to the ground and shattered seconds after someone affixed the 2,198th sticker to its surface.

Moo Deng Offers Punch the Monkey Advice on Fame, Small Bump of Coke

Posted on by Dan Rice

JAPAN — Former child animal star Moo Deng the hippo paid a visit to the Ichikawa City Zoo yesterday to offer internet sensation Punch The Monkey advice on navigating the pitfalls of overnight success, as well as a small amount of cocaine, zookeepers have confirmed.

“I could hardly believe my eyes!” recounted zookeeper Shiro Kamiko. “I said to my assistant, ‘Oh my God, is that Moo Deng?!’ and she said, ‘Who?’ She’s a bit younger than me, but I showed her a picture, and she sort of remembered her. Anyway, he just strolled right past us, hopped into the monkey enclosure, and approached Punch with a swagger that seemed to say ‘So, you’re the new kid on the block, huh?” 

Footage of the meeting was shown to various animal language experts, including zoologist Agna Heinrich, who was able to shed some more detailed light on the animals’ discussion. 

“Notice here, when Moo Deng chortles and raises his front left paw slightly… that’s hippo talk for ‘You may be hot shit right now, kid, but it can all go away in the blink of an eye. Trust me, I’ve been there.’ And now, here this little grunt and shake Moo Deng is doing, in the animal world, this means ‘Look, the whole schtick you got going with the stuffie and the rejection, it’s cute, it plays at the heart strings, but it’s gonna get old fast. You need to have your next move on deck before that happens, maybe get a girlfriend monkey, maybe become best friends with a golden retriever, something!’ And now see here where Moo Deng takes out a little vial of cocaine and does a bump, and then offers the vial to Punch? That’s her way of offering Punch some cocaine.” 

A representative for Moo Deng offered the following statement to the media:

“As Deng’s celebrity status… winds down, she finds herself more interested in working behind the camera, so to speak. She has expressed interest in managing Punch’s career, and to my knowledge, the animals had a productive conversation. As for this alleged offer of cocaine, I’m sure it’s just a rumor that spun out of control, just like Moo Deng’s alleged instances of handler abuse, the luxury hotel suite she’s accused of destroying in Bangkok, and her on-again-off-again engagement to Ezra Miller.” 

At press time, Moo Deng had barricaded herself in her hotel room, blasting Rush at full volume and claiming to be in the middle of writing “the best fucking screenplay ever.” 

Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man” is actually about a nightmarish creature resulting from a piano being fused with a human, sources report.

“Maybe I wasn’t clear enough with the lyrics, because people are getting the wrong idea about what this song is about,” said Joel before giving a live demonstration of the monster’s gait. “It’s not a fictionalized retelling of my experience working as a lounge singer in the Executive Room bar in Los Angeles in the early ‘70s. The song deals with a grown man being joined with a piano a la ‘The Fly,’ but more similar to David Cronenberg’s version, and the shocking, Eldritch horror that he would become. What would this being eat? How would it procreate, were it so inclined? These questions fascinated me, which ultimately culminated in this song. Frankly, I’m surprised it became so popular given how grotesque the subject matter is.”

Fan Zekia Cornell was taken aback by the revelation.

“Oh, wow, that’s what ‘Piano Man’ is about?” Cornell reacted. “I guess the ‘making love to his tonic and gin’ line makes a little bit more sense to me, now that I remember how horny Cronenberg’s version of ‘The Fly’ was. I’m going to have to start reading his song lyrics more closely going forward, because I would’ve expected more detailed descriptions of this guy experiencing the conjoining of his flesh with the wood and ivory of a piano, because that seems like it would be a painful and horrific experience, but I guess Billy Joel just decided to be more subtle about it. That’s why I’m such a fan of his, to be honest.”

Music historian Tom Burke has seen this before.

“A popular song being about Cronenberg creatures is actually a much more common phenomenon than you’d think,” Burke mused. “It gets boring for musicians to constantly write about romance or drug use, so they like to spice things up by conjuring tunes about awful, stomach-churning lab accidents to keep them engaged with their work. Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘The Boxer’ is about a man who became amalgamated to a cardboard box, and Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ deals with a NASA spacecraft becoming sentient after an employee accidentally gets melted into its fuselage, just to name a few examples.”

At press time, Joel revealed “The Longest Time” is actually about spending eternity being tortured in the pits of Hell.

That’s Weird: We Thought Our Friends Would Be More Envious of the Fact We Had an 11-Way With the Members of Reel Big Fish

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Reel Big Fish is, without a doubt, the greatest ska band that came about as a result of third-wave ska from the 90s. And I’m not just saying this because I had a debauched 11-way with all of the members of Reel Big Fish. But for some reason, when I told my friends about this encounter, they didn’t respond with envious disbelief. 

I mean a lot of people can say they skanked with Reel Big Fish, but they haven’t skanked the way I have. So you’d think that they’d be super envious and ask for more details, but instead, they had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, at first, they thought I was saying I had sex with some sort of fishing club. 

What’s even weirder is that they didn’t care to hear about every personal detail I learned about the band during this orgy. For example, did you know that Aaron Barrett’s pubic hair is also in the shape of mutton chops? Well, you do now! John Christianson also has three testicles. Or maybe it was just a hernia I discovered that he developed after blowing his trumpet too hard.

While describing how great it is having a tromboner give you a hand job because of their ability to work the slide, my friend decided to inform me that they had sex with Sting once. But who gives a shit about that? That’s just one guy, and I heard he’s a cop or something. But I had an entire horn section run train on me. Yet for some reason, she acted like fucking Sting is cooler than what I did, but it’s totally not.

I don’t know how anyone could look at their discography and not realize the sexual gods that these men are. Everything Sucks? Well, they all sucked me. Why Do They Rock So Hard? They were all super rock hard. Monkeys for Nothin’ and the Chimps for Free? Well, OK, I did have to sign an NDA denying any chimps or monkeys were involved with what we did. 

It is really unfortunate how these uncultured swine don’t understand how significant of an event this was. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve got to go because I’m late for a 311 way with the members of, well, take a guess. 

Bored Conservative Figures He’ll Go Back To Being Angry About Critical Race Theory Just for the Hell of It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Local conservative Karl Stokes decided to go back to being angry about Critical Race Theory after realizing he doesn’t have much to complain about, sources report.

“I’ve concluded that I’m happiest when I’m uncontrollably angry. It just makes sense to me,” Stokes admitted. “When Biden was president, I could blame just about everything wrong in my life on him. However, now that Trump is back in office, times have never been better for conservative white men, which sucks because I have nothing to be distressed over. I figure I’ll just go back to being pissed off about CRT, which I vaguely remember being apoplectic over for like two weeks back in 2021 before moving onto being livid about a Black actress in ‘The Little Mermaid’ reboot. That’ll have to do until Sean Hannity gives us something new to get me infuriated.”

Stokes’ estranged daughter commented on the situation.

“Ugh, there’s a reason I’ve long since blocked my father on social media,” Vera Stokes sighed. “I mean, I could only take so much of his shared Candace Owens videos and misspelled posts blaming the latest school shooting on prayer being taken out of public schools, you know? I do remember that he was beside himself with rage over Critical Race Theory back when Tucker Carlson ran that story years ago, but he forgot about it so he could get angry about some trans swimmer winning a medal in a competition he otherwise wouldn’t have given a shit about. He may be mad about CRT again, but I can almost guarantee you he wouldn’t be able to define it.”

Psychologist Deandra Hopkins weighed in on Stokes’ mindset.

“Modern conservative thought is based entirely on persecution fantasies,” Hopkins provided. “This has obviously been fueled by Donald Trump in the past few years, but Fox News has done a really good job keeping its viewers engaged and enraged for decades at this point. With that being said, they were really scraping the bottom of the barrel when they raised the ire of their fans with that Critical Race Theory piece back in the early 2020s, and you can tell because of how quickly they jumped to some other hot button culture war issue. With the myriad topics Republicans have thrown temper tantrums over, I’m actually impressed this guy remembered CRT in the first place.”

At press time, Stokes was hoping NFL players would go back to kneeling during the National Anthem so he could get mad about it.

Landlord Has Tip Jar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Landlord Ronald Fastings had a tip jar on display in his office at Z&O Real Estate Holdings, disgusted witnesses report.

“Yeah, I’ll stop by places like Jersey Mike’s and Starbucks while I’m out, and I see their employees all have tip jars,” said Fastings. “So I figured, why not me? You don’t really understand how bad us landlords actually have it, so a little tip here and there definitely wouldn’t hurt. I’m only taking in about $40,000 in gross profit from my rental properties every month, and I need to be able to make the payments on the second vacation home I just got. People have been saying landlords are the bad guys, but I’m just like everybody else, you know? I’m only trying to get by and live life one day at a time. A 20% tip from my ungrateful tenants every month would sure go a long way.”

Tenant Ty Greenwich was shocked and repulsed by the tip jar.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Greenwich uttered while shaking his head. “I’ve had like, seven maintenance requests out over the past few months that Ron hasn’t even looked at, and he’s expecting me to tip him when I hand him my monthly check? The monthly check that, mind you, went up by $500 a month at the beginning of the year? It’s not like he doesn’t have the time, because he just contracts out all his maintenance anyway. Every time I see him he’s just sitting around texting on his phone, so I’m not sure what the issue is preventing him from using the tiniest percentage of his monthly surplus to get my fucking heat fixed.”

This is all part of a trend that labor economist Javier Torres has been observing.

“We’ve all seen workers in the service industry leave out tip jars to fill in the gap of what their employers obviously should be paying them,” Torres said. “This is just yet another symptom of the late-stage capitalistic hell we’re all living through. However, there have also been recent cases of shitty, worthless professions requesting tips, from repossession agents to school loan servicers. People can at least feel good about tipping these people absolutely nothing. After all, we have to take the small wins whenever we can in these trying times.”

At press time, Fastings announced that he will also accept tips in crypto.

Opinion: I Know We’re Living in a Terrifying Fascist Hellscape, but I Really Need That Pitch Deck by Noon

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey pal, first off, I really want to thank you for finding the bandwidth to sit down with us. I know you’ve already got a lot on your plate with Q2 just around the corner, but I was concerned when I heard Steve from Marketing saw you crying while eating your lunch in the bathroom.

I truly get it. The fact that our own government is dismantling the freedoms I’ve taken for granted, while simultaneously threatening World War III for dubious reasons, would send anyone into a mental health crisis. And yet, as terrifying as this fascist hellscape we’re all being forced to endure is, I really need you to submit that pitch deck by noon.

I know it’s hard to think about work at a time like this, especially when it feels like everything you’ve worked towards in your life has been rendered meaningless in the blink of an eye by sadistic oligarchs, but with an impressive and exciting enough presentation, you can convince those guys throw a few bucks our way so we can keep the lights on.

Think of the project as a nice little vacation from the horrors of watching people get shot and abused by masked men every time you open up social media. I want you to feel like this office is a safe space where you can work towards meeting those 10% annual growth metrics. And trust us, once you hit ‘send’ on that pitch deck you’ve been struggling to finish, you’ll forget all about the mass generational trauma being inflicted.

And as much as I wish I could give you the time and space to take to the streets and protest for your right to exist, you did agree to the mandatory RTO agreement, so you need to be in the office for a minimum of 32 hours a week. Just go ahead and use that Canva license of yours, which I paid for, mind you, and really make that pitch deck sparkle.

Good lord, what the hell am I saying? Here I am blabbering about the end times while you have less than three hours until the deadline! Listen, I’ll make you a deal. If you finish this project on time, you can take a half day the next time you’re rendered catatonic over the government sleepwalking into the next mass casualty pandemic.

Now go do your thing or I’ll replace you with AI!

McDonald’s Introduces the Filet-O-Silverfish To Avoid Seafood Tariffs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — American multinational fast food chain McDonald’s revealed the new Filet-O-Silverfish, a sandwich developed in order to circumvent crippling seafood tariffs imposed by the Trump administration.

“McDonald’s is proud to announce the Filet-O-Silverfish,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “This tasty addition to our menu comprises dozens of plump, juicy silverfish scrounged from the floor of each location’s bathroom, coated in our signature batter, and fried to a crispy, golden brown before being topped with our creamy tartar sauce and served on a sesame seed bun. I know how much our customers love our Filet-O-Fish, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they will find a new favorite with this item. Pair this with our one-of-a-kind fries, which will likely be fried in beef tallow before the end of the year, and you’ll find yourself saying ‘I’m lovin’ it!’”

Customer Rod Carrington was hesitant to try the new sandwich.

“I love McDonald’s, man, but that thing looks…off,” Carrington pondered while looking at a picture of the Filet-O-Silverfish. “I just don’t know if frying a silverfish makes it any more appetizing. I used to see those things on the floor of my apartment when I was in college, and they did not look like something I would want to eat. I understand they don’t want to pay tariffs on seafood, but isn’t there anything else they could do to get around them? I knew Western society was going to have to make the pivot to eating bugs at some point in my lifetime, but I didn’t know it was going to happen so quickly, and I certainly didn’t expect it would be 100% Donald Trump’s fault. I’m really starting to regret voting for him three times.”

Economist Sandra Vasquez weighed in on the situation.

“It’s not uncommon for fast food restaurants to switch to unpalatable dishes for cost-cutting reasons,” Vasquez said. “However, I’ve been observing this happening much more rapidly with these new tariffs acting as a completely unnecessary punitive measure against American citizens. It’s actually quite remarkable, strictly from an economic analysis perspective. For example, Wendy’s now uses grass clippings from outside its buildings in lieu of lettuce for its salads, and Hardee’s burgers are now made with meat from stray cats instead of beef, although I’m not aware of any customers complaining about the latter change.”

At press time, Donald Trump cited the Filet-O-Silverfish as the latest accomplishment of his presidency.

Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K

Posted on by James Knapp

Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host of the marginally recognizable cable program Mystery Science Theater 3000. But fortunately, every man is an idiot, and very few of them actually go on to achieve that goal.

Unfortunately, though, once these MST3K hopefuls reach a certain age, they have to cope with the fact that they will never make their living mocking relentlessly awful movies and, in fact, are already late for their weekend shift at Home Depot.

That’s why this new support group, Mystery Science Failure 40something, helps these men, these dumb, dumb men, finally grapple with the fact that they’re not actually funny, they were just drunk while watching Comedy Central in the 90s.

The program is simple and modeled after the same program that cardiac surgeons use with fentanyl survivors. Men — dumb, unfunny men — come into the support group with a whole lot of hope and unearned confidence, somehow believing that they deserve to spend all day making jokes with some robot friends in a space prison. Then they’re pumped full of morphine, rolled into a room with a bunch of other 43-year-olds, where they’re allowed to babble and babble riffs until it’s all out of their system.

Also, a constant loop of “Mac & Me” is playing in the room. It’s universally bad enough to make sure we get all the attempted humor out of their systems.

After that, the men are free to leave. Back to their suburban homes, and however many kids and ex-wives they have. Completely free of their dumb, unfathomably unachievable dreams. It’s for their own good, and they learn something. 

They learn that it takes more to be the host of a tertiarily understood cult TV show like MST3K than just being the weird kid in middle school who got laughs eating centipedes. It takes real ambition, discipline, and not being so old that you no longer have your original kneecaps. And when they leave, they’re ultimately all the better for it. Probably. The group doesn’t actually check back in on them, unlike fentanyl survivors.

Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way that uniquely mimics skanking, those regrettably familiar with the dance report. 

“My trusty Bean Boots usually glide over any winter terrain as smooth as my putt on the 18th hole, but something about the ice this year makes me two-step and swing my arms. I can’t stress enough how much I do not want to be doing this,” software engineer Brendan Ricci explained, huffing from the cardiac effort of three blocks of skanking. “I remember the third wave of ska because I used to relentlessly bully kids who liked it. I have a lot of regrets, but I stand by the fact that they deserved it. No one should get that much joy from a dance that risks punching or kicking anyone within 10 feet.” 

Enid Alvaro, an elderly resident of the neighborhood for over 30 years, expressed grave concern for pedestrians and drivers alike. 

“I won’t even go outside, it’s so slippery. I don’t drive, but it seems like even the roads are bad, because I keep hearing honking that sounds like an entire brass section,” 83-year-old resident Alvaro lamented over the distant melody of Goldfinger’s “Superman” clearly coming from the floor below. “But the sidewalks are the real problem. My downstairs neighbor kept saying ‘Pick it up, pick it up,’ which I thought was strange because if anything, putting down rock salt would be the smart thing to do. I’m particularly concerned about him falling because he only wears a vest and plaid shorts, no matter the weather!”

Harvey Colvin, Alvaro’s downstairs neighbor, had a lot of skanking knowledge to impart. 

“It makes total sense to me that this is happening. The Neanderthals, who if you recall, lived through the Ice Age, were some of the earliest skankers. Speedily switching from one foot to the other gets you across ice more efficiently and looks so much cooler. The human body wants to skank,” Colvin explained between rips of a black and white checkered vape. “It’ll do all these people a world of good to skank a little each day for the six weeks it’ll take this ice to melt. I hope some will become converts and join the scene. The fifth wave is coming!”

At the time of publication, a group of people were seen forming a skanking circle to get across an intersection.