Every Alex G Album Ranked Worst to Best

Alex Giannascoli isn’t just the man behind the TikTok treehouse song. He’s also a prolific songwriter, avid dog lover, and the only musician (to my knowledge) who has been mistaken as Beto O’Rourke with pissed pants. For many aspiring bedroom musicians, he was the proof of concept for a path to success through DIY ethos and outlets like Bandcamp. Alex G’s plethora of influences and willingness to experiment has resulted in a particularly diverse discography. If you asked ten fans for their album ranking, you’d get ten completely different lists, at least three cases of head lice, and gaslit six ways to Sunday into thinking your opinion is wrong.

9. Winner (2011)

“Winner” is the proverbial black sheep of the discography. Banished from every streaming platform save for Bandcamp, plenty of fan lists forget to even include this in their ranking. Which is a shame, because there are lots of ideas on here that make the project worth a listen. But something’s gotta be last, and there’s a reason this one hasn’t gotten the same rerelease treatment as his other pre-label albums.

Play it again: “Explain”
Skip it: “Math” (I don’t like long division)

8. Rules (2012)

This album is full of all the pieces that make Alex’s music great: catchy lo-fi singer-songwriter tunes, a warm blanket of melancholy, and plenty of off-the-cuff, yet strangely sentimental, lyrics about pissing yourself and vomiting. Not to mention some nasty guitar instrumentals on songs like “Master” and “Message.” Unfortunately, just like plenty of Hard Times readers, this album has been doomed to live in the shadow of its overachieving younger brother.

Play it again: “Mis”
Skip it: “Know Now”

7. House of Sugar (2019)

There is no denying some of Alex’s most extreme and successful experimentation is included on this project, illustrated best by songs like “Gretel.” But the record takes a noticeable step down in quality on the wandering back half. Trying all sorts of crazy new things is a double-edged sword, which I learned the hard way after taking three different strains of mushrooms and forgetting how to open my eyes in the Natural History Museum.

Play it again: “Cow”
Skip it: “Sugar” (the instrumentation is solid but the “talking through a fan” vocals get grating)

6. God Save The Animals (2022)

With his most recent album, Alex dove deeper into his unique blend of electronic and country influence and delivered an introspective view of aging. “God Save The Animals” sees Alex exploring faith, family, and eternity, illustrated plainly by the fact that he finally outgrew his bedroom and recorded this one in the big boy studio. This also seems to be his most personal record, though any long-time listener has no doubt learned to take everything he says in his lyrics with a grain of salt.

Play it again: “Miracles” (relisten to the second verse on this knowing Alex’s long time partner is playing the violin part while pregnant with their child, a real tear-jerker)
Skip it: “S.D.O.S.”

5. Race (2010)

It’s impossible to listen to this debut and deny the natural gift Giannascoli has for writing oddball earworms. The melodies on standout songs like “Gnaw” and “Crab” far exceed the quality that could be expected of a seventeen-year-old recording in GarageBand. I know because at twenty-four the best writing I can do is for a satirical punk news site.

Play it again: “Let It Go” (this parlor piano that appears throughout the album is so campy you can’t help but smile)
Skip it: “Time/Space”

4. DSU (2014)

With the subdued and dreamlike flow of “DSU,” Alex G tapped into a new plane of artistry that began to push his trademark slacker rock sound into a realm of psychedelia. The heavy layering of vocals and unique instrumental elements creates an undulating soundscape that floats you every which way before spitting you back out on your crumb-covered mattress. A consistent album from back to front, and a staple of Alex’s discography.

Play it again: “After Ur Gone” and “Boy”
Skip it: “Axesteel”

3. Rocket (2017)

Fresh off an unexplained moniker change, (Sandy) Alex G came out swinging with this Americana folk obsessed project. Full of types of songs that make you imagine sitting on your grandpappy’s knee in a backwater town, “Rocket” is made full by lyrics of longing and the same ear for catchy tunes that has always been central to Alex’s success as a songwriter. This is a perfect album for a breezy drive on a hot summer day, save for “Brick” which is a noise-influenced single that feels like a UFO crash landed in the middle of the serene cornfield that is the rest of the tracklist.

Play it again: “Bobby” and “Powerful Man”
Skip it: If you don’t want to give your country-loving Meemaw a stroke, “Horse”

2. Trick (2012)

Hazy, fuzzy, and proof of the eternal quality of music produced by an artist true to themselves, “Trick” is in many ways the purest synthesis of the childhood nostalgia that has become synonymous with this era of Alex’s work. The low vocal mix, bedroom quality recording, and mature-beyond-years writing all blend perfectly, evoking bittersweet memories of school years and young love lost long ago. This was the album that began the legend of Alex G, told through songs about eating whale meat and getting dommed by weed.

Play it again: The last run of songs from “Mary” through “Adam” (+“Sarah” if you include the bonus tracks) has a little bit of everything that makes this album great
Skip it: “So”

1. Beach Music (2015)

Alex G’s first release after signing to Domino in 2015 would no doubt be many listeners’ first impression of the then 22-year-old musician. What followed was a young artist firing on all cylinders, letting himself be swept up by a wide-ranging wave of musical experimentation but never losing direction or that gut instinct for what would make a beautiful song. “Beach Music” is a warm and charming trip through diverse genres and the broken relationships Alex has always indulged in with his songwriting. But this time, he imbues the lyrics with a maturing sense of hope and growth stemming from pain. It’s an album that welcomes you more intently with each listen.

Play it again: Let the whole thing wash over you (especially “Kicker” and “Snot”)
Skip it: To my lou while listening to “Brite Boy”

Printing Error Resulting in Second Half of “Infinite Jest” Being Blank Goes Unnoticed for Years

CLAREMONT, Calif. — University student Lisa Dempsey discovered the latter half of her boyfriend’s copy of David Foster Wallace’s titanic novel “Infinite Jest” to be completely blank due to a printing error, according to sources who swear they’ve read the dense tome.

“I was waiting for Brian to finish a round of ‘Call of Duty’ so we could go out,” said Dempsey. “He always had this suspiciously pristine copy of ‘Infinite Jest’ on his coffee table, so I started flipping through it out of boredom and realized the words stopped about halfway through. Brian had boasted when we first met that he’d read and loved the book—this very copy, in fact. Right then, I knew he was full of shit and left without saying a word. It all makes sense now. When I initially asked him what the book was about, he gave me a summary that sounded awfully similar to the plot of ‘Air Bud.’”

The book’s publisher, Little, Brown and Company, admitted knowledge of the error.

“We realized the mistake right away,” said spokesperson Alison Dupree. “The latest edition of 75,000 books was indeed half-blank. Normally we would issue a recall, which would’ve been a massive loss on our part—but we decided to let it go and gamble that consumers would never even notice the misprint. People buy ‘Infinite Jest’ to put on display as more of a home accessory anyway. They never get near the halfway mark if they start reading it at all.”

Book industry consultant Karl Esper says that there are many more instances of publishing errors that go unnoticed.

“Mistakes happen,” said Esper. “But publishers are people, too—they get dispirited producing these highly intellectual books that they know no one’s ever going to read. To keep themselves entertained, they’ll work in little jokes here and there. For instance, the middle third of the latest edition of ‘Finnegans Wake’ was replaced entirely with scripts from the second season of ‘Young Sheldon.’ Mailer’s 1300-page ‘Harlot’s Ghost’ is another that goes mostly unread—a fun game is to see if you can find all 83 references to ‘Dunston Checks In’ that the publisher snuck in there.”

At press time, copies of Thomas Pynchon’s “Gravity’s Rainbow” were found to be hollowed out, with a publisher’s note suggesting the space could be used to conceal a flask or drug paraphernalia.

Punk Pied Piper Marches Army of Rats Right Back Into Town

HAMELIN, Germany — Local residents awoke to the horrifying sight of thousands of filthy rats being led back into the center of town by the Punk Pied Piper, according to skeeved out sources looking for a new place to live.

“When I heard that the mayor hired someone to drive out all these adorable critters, I had to act,” said the Punk Piper as he sat absolutely covered in rodent shit. “The only reason I moved here was because I heard it was infested with my favorite vermin, then the next thing I know some clown in a striped cape playing a dumbass flute is leading them down to the Weser River to drown. Fortunately that’s where I was squatting, so I was able to ambush him and march these furry little kings and queens right back in. Anyone who doesn’t like it can play my skin flute.”

Johann Berkin, the Mayor of Hamelin gave his notably less positive side of the story.

“That disgusting punk ruined everything,” said Berkin. “We already had a great arrangement with the previous Piper who rid this town of that nasty plague, then as a bonus came back and took those annoying children too. Now I’m mayor of a town with the worst rat infestation in the entire Bavarian Kingdom, and my political career is toast. The water supply has been tainted, the crops are diseased, and the foundation to half the homes have been gnawed away. And I don’t even think the rats are responsible for that last one.”

Folklore expert Dr. Maya Reeves described the forgotten influence of punk characters in classic legends and fairy tales.

“Punk culture in popular fables is more common than people realize,” explained Reeves. “Originally Snow White had eight Dwarfs, the eighth being a crooked little shit who would steal everyone’s possessions when they slept so he could buy psychedelic mushrooms in the Haunted Forest. And in an early edition of Cinderella, there was a young punk suitor vying for her affection, but instead of trying to find the right glass slipper to fit her, he just wanted to smell her feet. You can see why this version never really hit home with parents, and it was eventually scrubbed from our collective memories, as it should be.”

At press time, the Punk Piper had passed away at the ripe old age of twenty-one from numerous illnesses after his body was found being ravaged by hordes of hungry rats.

Oy Guv, We Ranked the Top 50 Britpop Songs of the 1990s, Because This Is a Phase, Innit?

You know what they say: if you remember Britpop, you weren’t there. Specifically, you probably weren’t in the United Kingdom in the 1990s, when a sudden surge of youthful national pride, guitar-based rejection of American grunge, and various Gallaghers seized the airwaves.

For a musical movement that lasted only as long as the cocaine was good and people in America could fake a bad Mancunian accent, Britpop still produced an amazing number of classic songs. We’re ranking the top 50, and no one can prove we don’t have a Union Jack draped across our shoulders right now.  (Listen to the playlist while you read the article.)

50. Saint Etienne “You’re in a Bad Way”

Saint Etienne predates, encompasses, transcends, and has outlasted Britpop, so we’re starting with them. This song is so British it makes you want to colonize something, but in a good, non-genocidal way.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2hBc9RKPN7UjlFxffkIFmq?si=57816095d795487d

49. Babybird “You’re Gorgeous”

You’re going to want to write this down: Britpop is sleazy as fuck. Although there are a bunch of songs about love and drugs and loving drugs, there’s also a whole bunch of immaculately produced pop songs about being a sleazy photographer who tries to fuck models. This is one of them.

48. The Beautiful South “Old Red Eyes Is Back”

The Beautiful South was a spinoff of the Housemartins and shared that band’s fondness for kitchen-sink stories about incredibly English losers. This one’s about a drunk.

https://open.spotify.com/track/3OihaYrnoyEhhTzauuIbQr?si=d03db3a770844a4a

47. Travis “Why Does It Always Rain On Me?”

Right now, some nerd is enraged because the gorgeously tragic “Why Does It Always Rain On Me” is clearly a post-Britpop song, not an actual Britpop song, even though Travis’ early work was Britpop, but there’s a difference. Shut the fuck up, nerd.

46. Longpigs “She Said”

Longpigs never really blew up like many of its Britpop peers, but they did manage one raggedly anthemic bile-spit of a song about self-loathing, like all great bands. Enjoy.

45. The Boo Radleys “Wake Up Boo!”

Songwriter Martin Carr says he spent a year writing the horn-driven melody and tight harmonies of “Wake Up Boo!” so it must suck that it’s only at #45. Still, it’s on the list, so, good job, Martin. It’s way better than any song we’ve ever written.

44. The Divine Comedy “Everybody Knows (But You)”

The Divine Comedy’s Neil Hannon has basically been cosplaying as Scott Walker since the early 1990s, but, fortunately, he can mostly pull it off. Scott would be proud of a lyric like “So now you’re my only friend/ I told the passers-by/ I made a small boy cry.”

https://open.spotify.com/track/7DfMPDm8qrKdEswaHZ1CWG?si=2852bc36220e443d

43. Bis “Kandy Pop”

And on the punkier side of Britpop, we have Bis with “Kandy Pop,” a song that makes you feel like you’re having a panic attack at a party full of loud weirdos, but, you know, in a fun way.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4A1pb9GnPwjQj3Y4I0Ztwp?si=dbbbd8d3a455427e

42. Suede “Animal Nitrate”

Let’s get one thing straight: Suede is going to show on this list more than once, and we’re not going to do any of this bullshit “London Suede” thing because some shithead lounge singer got a judge to agree with him. Anyway, this is a banger.

41. Kenickie “Punka”

Courtney Love called Kenickie “a big, raw-boned bunch of fucking sex,” and we have to admit it, she got it right this time. Call and response backing vocals, dense, fuzzy guitars, and Lauren Laverne’s thick-ass Sunderland accent? Yes, please.

https://open.spotify.com/track/50bTg9wkiLujadce2a9yQp?si=6ff269b9e4044432

40. The Bluetones “Slight Return”

What do you get when you mix Peter Buck’s famously jangling guitars with Belle and Sebastian’s winsome, yearning sensibilities? The Bluetones’ “Slight Return,” a seriously underrated piece of Britpop history.

39. Echobelly “Great Things”

In “Great Things,” Sonya Madan sings, “I want to do great things / I don’t want to compromise / I want to know what love is / I want to know everything.” If that doesn’t touch some part of your long-gone teenage soul, we don’t know what to tell you.

38. Gene “Olympian”

Gene has a bit of a reputation for being The Smiths wannabes, and it’s hard to make an argument against that. But you can listen to the melancholy, delicate “Olympian” without Morrissey guilt, so have at it.

37. James “Say Something”

The band James reportedly tried to hold back emotions on the Brian Eno-produced “Say Something,” which is pretty incredible considering we’re holding back tears right now. Remember this song next time you have a bad fight with your partner and need to feel even worse.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7MMbYOpnyQU4CzPqK7Tu2x?si=b72dbb32a24548ab

36. The Stone Roses “Tightrope”

After producing the best debut album ever made, the Stone Roses took years for a follow-up that made everyone mad, sad, and disappointed. Give “The Second Coming” another try sometime because the chant-along, Neil Young-like “Tightrope” practically redeems the whole thing.

35. The Auteurs “Starstruck”

Luke Haines of the Auteurs doesn’t like being lumped in with Britpop and talks a lot of shit about all the other bands, which is pretty much the most Britpop thing you can do, other than this guitar-driven, eerily pretty piece of musical spite.

34. Sleeper “Inbetweener”

Every single part of “Inbetweener” could be the hook of a lesser song, from the snotty verse by singer Louise Wener to the suddenly yearning, epic chorus to the putdowns of the outro. Wait, do we like it when hot singers insult us?

https://open.spotify.com/track/4GoqaAdOZqS1lyYODRwxlO?si=afa350c597944085

33. Suede “Trash”

Suede didn’t break out in the US like some of their peers, but Brett Anderson and the rest of the band had a lock on huge, self-pitying anthems years before anyone else in the scene. He’s called it a celebration of the band and their fans, and that’s just kind of nice in addition to being a fucking singalong.

32. Supergrass “Alright”

The music video for the absurdly cheery, piano-driven “Alright” made Supergrass look like such goofballs that Steven Spielberg offered to make them a Monkees-style TV show. They turned him down, but you get why he would.

https://open.spotify.com/track/5xC8uOesnn0udeXAYlAnoY?si=d3df6a92814b4e02

31. Pulp “Mis-Shapes”

“Mis-Shapes” is basically Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker’s call to arms for all the weirdos out there, a rallying cry for all the misfits and oddballs. Naturally, it was adopted by the very lunkheads he was railing against, but that’s because it’s just too good of a song.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7IgHTB9VMPwziPobbBbgfq?si=62001008f54049f1

30. Elastica “Vaseline”

Pounding drums. Clanking, robotic guitars and an industrial hiss. Singer Justine Frischmann’s too-cool vocals talking about…glue? Then a ridiculously catchy “LA LA LA” kicks in, and you’ve got a perfect song in just one minute and twenty seconds.

Aging Nu Metal Fan Forced to Comb Over Thinning Soul Patch

INDIANAPOLIS — 38-year-old nu metal fan Bryce Spiller went to extreme lengths to maintain his soul patch after deciding to comb over his thinning facial hair, concerned friends confirmed.

“Just my luck, right when JNCOs start coming back in style my soul patch starts thinning,” said Spiller, while applying a heavy dose of hairspray to his chin. “It’s just hard to let it go, you know? When I first grew this soul patch it was as powerful and robust as the Family Values ‘98 lineup, and now it’s thinner than the Family Values ‘13 lineup. It looks natural though, right? Like more Sully from Godsmack and less Garth Brooks alter-ego Chris Gaines. I’ve seen a lot of people staring at it directly without saying anything to me, so I guess the comb over is working.”

Despite his desperate attempt to preserve the integrity of his flavor saver, Spiller’s co-workers weren’t buying the comb over job.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling, his chin looks like Guy Fieri lost half his beard in a grease fire. At this point he really needs to give it up and just shave that space below his lip but above his chin,” said co-worker Phil Wentz. “At least the comb over beats those wispy threads he had dangling from his bottom lip before, for a while I thought he had a couple of those chin piercings like the lead singer from Disturbed. There’s a reason that trend didn’t catch on.”

But even as Spiller was ridiculed by co-workers, experts encouraged him to pull himself up by his wallet chain and not let the haters get him down.

“When Fred Durst started balding, did he let that stop him? No, he slapped on a red Yankees hat and didn’t take it off for 15 straight years,” said nu metal music critic Dirk Johnson. “Have you seen half of these bands? You just gotta braid the hair you got left, slap a piercing on it, and say you did that shit on purpose. Nu metal is all about accessorizing your face. Find me a nu metal artist or fan who doesn’t have some sort of facial accoutrement. You can’t.”

At press time, Spiller was seen scouring various MMA podcasts in search of discount codes for hair loss supplements in a last ditch effort to save his soul patch.

Typical! Waiter Walks Over Right As Mouth Full of Cock

MESA, Ariz. — A waiter’s routine check-in interrupted Ashleigh Firio stuffing six inches of cock in her mouth during a date night with her boyfriend at a local Chili’s Tuesday night, report amused fellow diners.

“This is so embarrassing! This literally always happens to me. We just settled in, got our drinks so I figured I had at least three minutes to spare, and it usually takes half that time if I really go to town. I swear the waiters here try to catch you with your mouth full just to make things awkward. And I can’t believe he just ran off before I could ask for a refill,” said Firio. “I mean that’s just bad service. I have a hard time believing this is the first time he’s seen someone fellated during the dinner rush. He can expect a smaller tip than I got tonight.”

John Sperry has been a server at Chili’s for 4 years and reports he’s still confused by the diner’s reaction.

“No, of course, I don’t time my visits to tables while someone is unable to speak because their mouth is wrapped around an erect penis. How many people do you think are sucking dick in Chili’s? Usually, we see some casual fingering, which we don’t recommend after eating our spicy bone-in wings by the way,” said Sperry before going on break. “But when it does happen I always have to wait for one person to swallow and I have to make note of which napkins they touched. It’s a whole ordeal. I wish they would save it for the parking lot or do it behind the dumpster like a normal person.

Modern etiquette author and self-proclaimed “millennial Emily Post,” Elia Rose, offered her take on these types of awkward confrontations, and how best to avoid them.

“We’ve all been there, babe, but you may be surprised to find out this is actually a somewhat avoidable situation,” said Rose. “Next time, consider asking the waiter for two sides of ranch after they’ve already brought your meal out. This ensures they’ll avoid returning to your table until it’s time to bring the check. Alternatively, you could bang in the bathroom.”

At press time, Sperry was seen pulling the plastic dividers from Covid out of storage because “y’all are too nasty.”

Opinion: I’ll Know I’ve Made It When I Can Finally Afford Much Less Comfortable Furniture

Every night I sink into the familiar arms of the couch that has sat in my living room for the last decade. The way the pleather perfectly hugs my body serves as a tangible reminder that I still can’t afford that absurdly chic concrete chair from Design Within Reach. They say “dress for the job you want” but I’m desperately trying to decorate for the lifestyle I want. Clearly, I’m not there yet and this couch won’t let me forget it.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am trying. I just got these metal bar stools to replace my dining room set. They’re wildly uncomfortable, but at a mere $300 apiece, I’m not even in the ballpark of sophistication. It’s not as tragic as a Wayfair deal, but it’s basically the bottom of the Crate and Barrel.

What’s really missing from my open-plan kitchen/office/living room is a stiff, primary-colored geometric chair. Imagine reclining for a few fleeting moments in a piece more concerned with resembling a Mondrian than accommodating the human form.

Or picture a glass-top dining table set with four untouched cardboard Wiggle chairs. Not that I’m anywhere near affording that. I learned this the hard way after sneaking into a swanky hotel lobby and daring to lounge in one. Imagine my horror as I spilled my coffee and watched the chair slowly melt into nothing. I’m still chipping away at that $1,500 invoice.

But alas, here I am, stuck looking at this used La-Z-Boy I snagged off Craigslist during my college years. Worn perfectly to the shape of my frog-like butt, angled just right for binge-watching TV. Oh, how I’d love to replace it with an Eames chair so deep I have to strain my neck to see a screen.

Perhaps one day I’ll ascend to the pinnacle of high-end discomfort. Until then, I remain nestled in the embrace of my pedestrian furniture, comfortably numb. Longing for the day when that concrete chair will make my ass just regular numb. Plus, it’ll look fucking fantastic on Instagram.

Every Outfit On a Weezer Album Cover Ranked By How Likely I Am to Wear It to My Sister’s Wedding

My older sister Randie is finally tying the knot, and we haven’t exactly been on the best of terms since I crashed her Jeep into a few parked cars during a beer run, but she’s reluctantly still inviting me at the behest of my parents. Since I work from home (read: stream on Twitch and collect unemployment) and my social life isn’t exactly flourishing, I’m at a loss as to what to wear on such an occasion. So I’m looking to Weezer, a band that amazingly has zero misses in their 30-year career, to solve my sartorial dilemma.

30. Rivers Cuomo “Blue Album”

I guess I’d put this on if I was an 8-year-old ring bearer, but my nephew Walter already has that job and that kid bites real hard. He had the nerve to tell Randie that I was smoking cigarettes in the her bathroom during Thanksgiving dinner last year, I wasn’t smoking. I was snorting pills.

29. Patrick Wilson “Make Believe”

Not sure what’s going on here, but this album is where Pat’s hair loss becomes really obvious. Well, mine’s falling out too and I think it’s probably because when I was 18 I tried dipping a joint in Nair to see what would happen. Anyway, I don’t want to bring any more attention to that. Especially with a weird print t-shirt and a pair of Sketchers.

28. Mikey Welsh “Green Album”

This is the only album cover Mikey Welsh appears on and he looks SO uncomfortable. Almost like his mom dressed him for the shoot and he fought her on it the whole time. If a guy who previously played in a band called Left Nut can’t rock a fit with confidence, I have no chance at all.

27. Patrick Wilson “White Album”

It’s hard to tell what’s going on in this picture, but whatever it is, it makes me anxious. He looks like an off-duty cop that wants to beat the shit out of someone trying to shoplift a trinket from a store on the boardwalk. Hard pass.

26. Scott Shriner “Make Believe’

It’s almost as if the band realized Shriner looked way too tough to play in Weezer, and honestly, anyone that signs up for one cardio kickboxing class is probably too tough to play in Weezer. This forced them to dress Scott up like an awkward 7th grader to compensate. Well, last time I went to a gym they called the cops on my for drinking the hand soap.

25. Patrick Wilson “Blue Album”

This one just screams “It’s laundry day and I’m out of quarters.” I get that drummers need to dress comfortably but that shirt is very see-through. Last time I wore a see-through shirt my parents saw my “Fuck Me Raw” tattoo on my back and wrote me out of the will.

24. Rivers Cuomo “Black Album”

Remember when Wile E. Coyote would be chasing the roadrunner and he’d set up an elaborate trap involving a bucket of tar, but end up getting the tar poured all over him, then just stand there looking defeated? That’s what Rivers looks like here. Not the vibe I’m going for.

23. Brian Bell “Green Album”

This guy is way too handsome to play in a dorky band like Weezer and he knows it. He can probably wear a Wegman’s bag and make it look like high fashion. The military jacket with the strappy things on the shoulders is a little too Franz Ferdinand for my taste, though.

22. Rivers Cuomo “Make Believe”

This one’s giving off serious “what did you think of my improv show” energy. Maybe my cousins from West Virginia would think I’m cool and artsy, but they’d most likely have a lot of (correct) assumptions about my sexuality.

21. Brian Bell “White Album”

Once again, it’s hard to tell what’s happening here, but his posture is oozing with pretty boy confidence so I’ll trust that the fit is a homerun. If only I had his lion’s mane of hair and not something akin to Bill Murray in Scrooged.

20. Girl On Swing “Pacific Daydream”

Randie LOVED to dress me up in girl’s clothes when I was little, so maybe I’ll beat her to the punch with this one and roll up looking cuter than the maid of honor. What could possibly go wrong?

19. Matt Sharp “Blue Album”

This one’s giving me “we just had a night of great sex and I’m making us pancakes” energy and not quite wedding material. If only I could make the disheveled look as endearing as Matt Sharp does. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had sex. I know I cried a lot, and my wallet got stolen.

18. Brian Bell “Make Believe”

This strikes me as a young, hip college professor that definitely hooks up with his students. At some point I’d have to pull out my pocket watch and declare that I’m late for my Burroughs book club meeting.

17. Scott Shriner “White Album”

Not gonna lie, showing up to a family function looking like a deep background actor in “Road Warrior” would be delightfully antisocial. Might need to employ a fog machine. Strong contender, but the wedding is in August and I sweat more than doctors think is humanly possible.

16. Rivers Cuomo “Green Album”

Maybe my wedding gift to Randie will be flashbacks of the time I learned how to play “Basket Case” and would terrorize her by playing it at full blast at all hours of the night. But I pawned my guitar a few years back to get my nipples pierced. Then I pawned my amp to pay for medications to cure the infection I ended up getting. Keep your nipple piercings clean people.

15 IDLES Songs That Inadvertently Made Us Experts In British Political Science

Love them or hate them, IDLES is a band. What many people don’t know is that they’re also super fucking British. Their politically outspoken material has ruffled more than its fair share of feathers, while simultaneously educating audiences worldwide about the horrors of the UK. Here are 15 of their most scathing tracks that made our British History course in college – or uni as the Brits call it – an even bigger waste of time and money than it already was.

“Mother”

“Mother,” from IDLES debut full-length, ‘Brutalism,’ serves as one of the band’s many working class anthems. Many uneducated American listeners hear the chorus refrain “the best way to scare a Tory is to read or get rich,” and think that the band really hates people named Tory. They’re dead wrong. “Tories” are the United Kingdom’s equivalent to the State’s Republicans. You read that right. Even the idyllic wonderland that is Great Britain has asshole conservatives in office.

“Great”

MAGA assholes aren’t the only people trying to make things “great” again. Racism and anti-immigration sentiment are alive and well across the pond too. In this song “Blighty,” which is a fading post-war colloquial term for England, “wants his country back.” If the pre-chorus is any indicator, which advises him that “Islam didn’t eat” his “hamster,” “Blighty” mostly wants a country free from diversity. Sound familiar? Yep! Other countries are hell too!

“I’m Scum”

The members of IDLES have been criticized for this song by contemporaries who claim they weren’t being forthright about their middle-class upbringings. It certainly may be true that lead singer Joe Talbot has never lived in council housing as his lyrics suggest. Still, it’s nice to know that even British scene morality clauses attempt to stifle otherwise valid attempts to raise awareness of poverty for the sake of clout. We kinda thought that was exclusively an American thing.

“Well Done”

Okay, we guess this one isn’t entirely political, but it does seem to suggest a widening generation gap in England not unlike the one we’ve seen in the States. This song runs the gamut of the youth’s perceived shortcomings by old jaded fucks such as; not having gainful employment, failing to gain notoriety, and, of course, a lack of appreciation for famed British food journalist Mary Berry.

“Meds”

Imposter syndrome is a heavy theme on this one. Talbot details the pressures of attempting to normalize into a homogeneous society, and the feeling of being a cog. It also suggests that much of mental health treatment is too focused on getting people in line versus allowing patients to live fruitful unique lives. “Meds” essentially questions the existence of normality at large. Such heavy inquiries are surely uniquely British, we assume. There’s also a line in there suggesting meditation as a healthy practice, but we really couldn’t be bothered to pretend to care enough to analyze it.

“Divide and Conquer”

Health care might be abysmal in America but it also sucks in other countries too, notably Great Britain. “Divide and Conquer” was written about a push from conservative members of Parliament to privatize the NHS, or Nation Health System. This was a political measure that Talbot ultimately attributed to his mother’s death. There’s not really a joke here. Rich politicians just suck ass on both sides of the pond.

“The New Sensation”

While the world didn’t really need another “do the *insert new dance craze or whatever here*” song, IDLES delivered one anyway. This track has several targets, but mostly seems to be lashing out at England’s bungled attempts to manage the pandemic, particularly in the field of service industry workers recouping financial losses. Instead of delivering aid to these struggling sectors of employment, the British government put up adverts (that’s English for advertisements) suggesting those in the entertainment industry simply uproot their professions and learn coding or some shit. As any developed nation can tell you, most performers are absolute dog-shit at tech. Needlessly to say, the messaging was less than successful.

“Danny Nedelko”

Friend of the band and lead singer of the noise-rock outfit Heavy Lungs, Danny Nedelko, immigrated from Ukraine to England when he was fifteen years old. At the height of Brexit – which we still don’t fully understand despite now being well-versed in British politics – anti-immigration sentiment in England was at its peak. In response, IDLES penned this fan-favorite track as a tribute not just to their friend, but to the vibrant culture that immigrants bring to their otherwise boring-as-hell country.

“Carcinogenic”

You may think of England as a complete and total paradise that has capitalism figured out for all of its citizens. To that we say, wake up you fucking idiot. You didn’t need to ace British History to know that the class divide is thriving in other parts of the world too. “Carcinogenic” blames the wealthy elite for everything from soulless 9-5 labor to worsening drug habits among the lower classes. If you’re not going to listen to the track, at least read a book and stop living in a fantasy world.

“Rottweiler”

Did you know that Rottweilers are excellent herding dogs often used on farms to corral sheep and cows? Now you do. Not only are IDLES constantly educating their audience on the political turmoil of their homeland, they’re also throwing a little cynology in the mix. In “Rottweiler,” the band turns the breed into a metaphor suggesting that tabloid newspapers herd their readers into political indifference, much like Rottweilers lead their livestock to slaughter. Sure, it’s a pretty overused metaphor but maybe it bears repeating. Turns out a lot can happen when you’re focused on how many outfit changes Taylor Swift had on the Eras Tour. Looking at you, Greg.

“I Dream Guillotine”

During the French Revolution, the guillotine became a noted symbol of the “Reign of Terror,” in which French Revolutionaries publicly executed thousands of members of the elite class. We think, at least. Remember, we’re experts in British Political Culture now, not French. Either way, this song is a scathing rebuke of the wealthy elite in Britain and their contribution to the decline of the country’s working class. It’s been said this song is also a criticism of something called “Thatcherism,” but we’ve been too lazy to look into it.

“Never Fight A Man With A Perm”

This song was featured in a pretty pivotal scene from the BBC hit “Peaky Blinders.” It’s been noted that the series was the most accurate representation of British Political history ever made. Like most modern songs that were featured in the period piece, we’re not sure if this one actually holds any relevance to the featured topic matter. What we do know is that “Never Fight A Man With A Perm” is a scathing diss track aimed at the exact types of toxic males that typically worship the show. Surely sticking it to the man with an ironic needle drop is a major component of British politics, so we would be remiss not to include this one.

“War”

Talbot has stated the “war” mentioned in this song is one of symbolic nature. A metaphor for a conflict within one’s self. We’re pretty sure we know the song better than him, though, and it’s clearly a beat-for-beat retelling of World War I. In case you aren’t experts like us, WWI had a profound impact on Britain’s economy, culture, and politics. Some argue the ramifications of the bloody conflict are still felt today within the nation’s attitudes, class structure, and economic woes. Nice try though, Joe.

“Stockholm Syndrome”

Many assumed this was a Blink-182 cover upon reading the tracklisting of the band’s fourth LP “Crawler.” Sadly the wool had been pulled over their eyes as listeners quickly discovered it was yet another of the band’s socio-political think pieces. “Stockholm Syndrome” explores the bitter class divide in England while suggesting those under both sides are in reality held under the oppressive thumb of Parliament. It was actually pretty hard for us to understand this one, because it’s so unlike the current situation in the States.

“Reigns”

In the opening verse of “Reigns,” Talbot asks how it feels to have “blue blood running through your veins.” Before you start pondering your fragile anatomy and fleeting life, you should note that Blue Bloods is British slang for aristocrats. The metaphors don’t end there, either. During the song’s chorus, you might have imagined Talbot engaging in a little horseplay, perhaps trotting across a stage on all fours asking his bandmates to ‘pull on’ his ‘reins.’ That is sadly not the case, as Talbot is referring to the way the wealthy ruling class in Great Britain often slows down progress for the working class, metaphorically pulling on their reins. You would have probably put that together if you had taken the time to notice that they spelled it ‘reigns.’

Photo by Alexander Kellner

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