INDIANAPOLIS — 38-year-old nu metal fan Bryce Spiller went to extreme lengths to maintain his soul patch after deciding to comb over his thinning facial hair, concerned friends confirmed.
“Just my luck, right when JNCOs start coming back in style my soul patch starts thinning,” said Spiller, while applying a heavy dose of hairspray to his chin. “It’s just hard to let it go, you know? When I first grew this soul patch it was as powerful and robust as the Family Values ‘98 lineup, and now it’s thinner than the Family Values ‘13 lineup. It looks natural though, right? Like more Sully from Godsmack and less Garth Brooks alter-ego Chris Gaines. I’ve seen a lot of people staring at it directly without saying anything to me, so I guess the comb over is working.”
Despite his desperate attempt to preserve the integrity of his flavor saver, Spiller’s co-workers weren’t buying the comb over job.
“I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling, his chin looks like Guy Fieri lost half his beard in a grease fire. At this point he really needs to give it up and just shave that space below his lip but above his chin,” said co-worker Phil Wentz. “At least the comb over beats those wispy threads he had dangling from his bottom lip before, for a while I thought he had a couple of those chin piercings like the lead singer from Disturbed. There’s a reason that trend didn’t catch on.”
But even as Spiller was ridiculed by co-workers, experts encouraged him to pull himself up by his wallet chain and not let the haters get him down.
“When Fred Durst started balding, did he let that stop him? No, he slapped on a red Yankees hat and didn’t take it off for 15 straight years,” said nu metal music critic Dirk Johnson. “Have you seen half of these bands? You just gotta braid the hair you got left, slap a piercing on it, and say you did that shit on purpose. Nu metal is all about accessorizing your face. Find me a nu metal artist or fan who doesn’t have some sort of facial accoutrement. You can’t.”
At press time, Spiller was seen scouring various MMA podcasts in search of discount codes for hair loss supplements in a last ditch effort to save his soul patch.