Trump Administration Poised to Remove Federal Protections for California’s Last Known Aquabats

Posted on by Matt Oriente

SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats.

“It’s wasteful. Why would we protect something that hasn’t been relevant since the late ’90s?” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “The liberals destroying this country with these DISASTROUS protections want your kids to be able to put on a mask and costume and identify as an ‘Aquabat’! These aren’t good people! Only VERY BAD PEOPLE wear masks: rapists, drug dealers, raccoons, luchadores — and ska bands!! I will repeal these protections IMMEDIATELY! MAKE AMERICA LESS THEATRICAL AGAIN!”

Trump’s statements have left Dan Leathman, president of the Aquacadet Preservation Society, deeply concerned about the broader implications.

“The Aquabats aren’t the problem. The protection itself isn’t the problem. The problem is the message this sends to the people most affected by the protections,” Leathman said. “And that message is: If you wear a mask and express yourself artistically through things like music, then you are no longer a ‘real’ band. He wants his definition of what constitutes a ‘band’ to become the law of the land because it benefits those bands closest to Trump. He absolutely wants to rid this country of anything that reminds people of the prosperous late ’90s. Trump would rather his friends in groups like Avenged Sevenfold and Imagine Dragons provide the soundtrack for this dystopian, late-stage capitalist hellscape.”

Diana Larue, a spokesperson for the ACLU, explained that while this type of promise isn’t new for an incoming president, it remains alarming.

“Quite a few presidents have vowed to repeal protections and regulations in a similar way,” said Larue. “In the past, we’ve seen other incoming presidents promising to repeal protections for The Hippos found in LA County and the rare Squirrel Nut Zippers in North Carolina. Very rarely do these proposals gain traction, but with Trump, it very likely could. And if that happens, it sets a dangerous precedent for years to come. Where would it end? This could be an entry point to start attacking other mask-wearing entertainers like team mascots—or GWAR. And GWAR won’t go quietly.”

This weekend, Leathman and his organization plan to hold a rally in front of the Del Taco in Huntington Beach, California.

Seven Items From This Venue You Can Steal During the Show for Last-Minute Holiday Gifts

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

So you’re broke, it’s almost Christmas, and you forgot to buy gifts for everyone. Great news! Turns out that show you’re at right now is a perfect one-stop shop.

“But I can’t afford merch!” you’re saying. Of course you can’t! Let the suckers buy up the $40 t-shirts. With these genius free gifts, we guarantee your family and friends will be in awe as they exclaim things like, “Huh?”, “Kinda gross”, “Dude, did you steal this from the show last night?”, and “You idiot, you know there are security cameras there, right?”

Duct tape

Let’s start with an easy stocking stuffer! Snag a whole roll from the stage between sets. Maybe even two rolls — one for your dad’s basement workshop, and one for your girlfriend’s nightstand. If that’s too much work, just peel off a few pieces of tape wherever you can and stick them together until they look like something. Anything.

Glass

Another no-brainer. Don’t even rinse them — let that fragrant beer and spit residue give your lucky recipient a full sensory experience. And if there aren’t any real glasses at the show? Santa is totally cool with plastic cups, too. The clock is ticking, and Santa doesn’t have all day here. Cheers!

Sign

Now, a show poster is obviously ideal, but let’s broaden our horizons. That fire marshal certificate stating that occupancy by more than 250 persons is unlawful? Boom, Merry Christmas to your artsy friend who will ponder its deep meaning. The damp cardboard scrawled with “Toilet clogged, do not use” taped to a stall door? Also a great gift. You ingenious elf!

Bassist’s water bottle

Come on, he’s not working that hard. He doesn’t need to hydrate and everyone hates him. Splurge alternative: Didn’t your cousin say his band needed a bassist? Steal this loser AND his water.

Really big speaker

We admit it, this gift requires a lot more effort and there’s a decent chance you’ll get caught. But you owe your roommate big time after the “BBQ incident” this summer, and a solid subwoofer could go a long way. Hopefully by the time the venue goes dark because you pulled the wrong cord, you’ll already be scurrying out the side door.

The column right behind the pit

All right, time to go big or go home. Be the king of Kwanzaa, the hero of Hanukkah, and maybe the cause of a catastrophic building collapse. Imagine the look on your mom’s face when you tell her how you lovingly knocked that column down yourself, bit by bit, as everyone evacuated the venue and the cop car sirens grew louder. Besides, it always blocked people’s view of the stage, so everyone should be grateful it’s gone.

The band’s album

Kidding! Don’t you dare. Stealing from an artist would be downright immoral. Just go home and send a link to the album on Spotify. You still didn’t have to spend any money, and now you’re helping a massive company steal from the band instead. Problem solved!

Scientists Predict Earth Has Only 10 Years of Beatles Documentaries Left

Posted on by Julien Perez

LONDON — A group of scientists from the British Institute of Music Technologies released a bombshell report predicting that unless drastic measures are taken, the world will only have 10 more years of new Beatles documentaries.

“We have reached a critical moment in history,” said Dr. Linda Thorne. “Due to egocentric human activities, there’s just enough unused footage to last another decade, barring another Peter Jackson-level event, of course. Thanks to films like ‘Good Ol’ Freda’ which covers the life of Freda Kelly, the secretary of the Beatles Fan Club, nearly every possible angle of the Beatles has been explored. I’m sorry, but the world does not need two films highlighting the Beatles’ journey to India yet ‘Meeting the Beatles in India’ and ‘The Beatles and India’ exist. I just hope God is kind to us on judgment day.”

Ryan Miller, a self-described Beatles super fan, wasn’t surprised by the news.

“I knew from the moment ‘Ringo Starr: One of Them’ was released that we were all doomed and there was no undoing human civilization’s past documentarian mistakes,” said Miller. “The ‘One of Them’ film tries to discuss the life of Ringo yet is only 42 minutes long and even then it felt stretched. The signs have been all around us. How can I bring a kid into this world knowing he’ll never be able to watch a brand-new Beatles documentary? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

Young auteur director Jasper Quinn refuses to believe the planet is in such a dire situation.

“This is the natural ebb and flow of nature,” said Quinn. “Sure, I might be the one to use up all the remaining Beatles footage for my own artistic endeavors but it’s my belief that in 40 to 50 years from now things will return to the way it was. Am I a Beatles documentary change denier? You bet. But that’s only because you can’t believe everything scientists tell you. Do your own research and you’ll find it’s actually the government that controls the Beatles footage. We’ll be fine.”

As of press time, Starr issued a statement offering to provide tour van lodging and green room snacks as payment to any young filmmaker interested in following him during his upcoming tour.

Meet Cute? I Tried to Grab a Cop’s Gun and We Both Can’t Stop Blushing After Our Hands Briefly Touched

Posted on by Matt Husser

When I left home to become a big-time mall Santa divorce attorney in New York City, I never thought I’d end up back in my hometown on Christmas. But Daddy was struggling with his jingleitis, and after Mom passed from that tragic tinsel factory explosion he promised he’d never sell the family business. And ever since the GrinchMart moved into town, demand was low for his world-famous artisanal taxidermied squirrel Christmas tree toppers. So there I was on Christmas Eve working at Mom & Pop’s Xmas Squirrel Tops, when Officer Caleb walked in.

I always had a crush on Caleb, but I left for State College University before I ever found out if he felt the same way. Immediately there were more sparks than that tragic tinsel factory explosion that killed my Mom. But just as we started to reconnect, my high school nemesis Madison walked in. I knew she was going to try to steal Caleb away from me, so I knew I had to act fast. If my pro-bono work as a defense lawyer for underprivileged elves has taught me anything, the quickest way to get an officer’s attention is to reach for his service weapon.

‘My, what a big, strong gun you’ve got there’ I cooed as I unbuckled the strap and seductively removed his gun from the holster. Well let me tell you it worked wonders, because as soon as his hand met mine his face blushed redder than Rudolph’s nose and he couldn’t take his eyes off me.

Things got hot and heavy quickly after that, and next thing you know he was whispering sweet Miranda Rights into my ear and escorting me into the back of his muscular police car! What a gentleman—you should have seen the jealous look on Madison’s face as we drove away.

From there, he whisked me away for a torrid holiday romance. He booked an exclusive photo shoot just for me, and even treated me to a romantic evening in a private hotel room! It wasn’t anything fancy, just a bed and a toilet—but it was simple and blue-collar, just like my Caleb. Unfortunately, there was only one way to know if his love was true: I had to run away, and if he chased after me I’d know it was meant to be.

So I slipped out of my handcuffs and escaped into the night, knowing that if Officer Caleb came after me, this time he’d cuff me forever. As I drove away in a stolen police cruiser covered in blood with a hostage in the trunk, the red and green Christmas lights faded from view. I just hoped that the next lights I’d see would be the red and blue sirens from Officer Caleb delivering the greatest Christmas gift of all—love.

Ron DeSantis Signs Bill to Remove the Word “Gay” From All Christmas Songs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new bill that bans the word “gay” from being used in any Christmas songs past or present, sources confirmed.

“Christmas is about spending time with family and celebrating the birth of my personal hero Jesus Christ. It is not a time to sing carols that indoctrinate children into a gay agenda that seeks to perpetuate the War on Christmas,” said DeSantis. “This bill is a tool in destroying the woke mind virus and returning a sense of morality to our society. I want to send a message to the children of this great state; Santa will not give you gifts this year if your parents sing those banned lyrics. That is why we will have a hotline to report infractions to local law enforcement. Starting today, anyone who is caught using the word ‘gay’ while caroling on a humid Florida night will be sentenced to 25 years in prison with no chance of parole.”

Some Florida residents don’t think this new law goes far enough.

“I think this is a good start, but as a society, we need to create harsher laws to combat people who say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ and anyone who suggests that Santa is Black should be fined at least $75,000,” said local man Chris Carson. “Speaking of Santa, he needs to stop giving so many hand-outs. Not every child deserves gifts, he should only deliver presents to the children who have read the Bible cover to cover and show reverence to baby Jesus on a daily basis. Kids today are out of control, the naughty list isn’t enough to dissuade them from being heathens.”

Music historian Olive Agosto is actively petitioning Governor DeSantis to reverse his decision.

“I tried explaining to everyone involved in creating this bill that the word ‘gay’ didn’t mean the same thing when these songs were written. Then I accidentally mentioned that most of the famous Christmas carols were written by Jewish men and they started calling me an anti-semite for some reason,” said Agosto. “I’ve also heard that some lawmakers in Tallahassee are trying to make ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime’ by Paul McCartney be Florida’s official Christmas song. That’s when I realized I was dealing with truly sick people who can’t be helped.”

At press time, Governor DeSantis banned reruns of “The Flintstones” after learning the family was having a “gay old time” in every episode.

Breaking Benjamin Song Mistaken for Chevelle Song Actually Turns Out To Be Three Days Grace Song

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ELSMERE, Del. — A Breaking Benjamin song heard on the radio by two friends initially thought to be a Chevelle song actually ended up being a Three Days Grace song, confused sources report.

“The radio station was playing some solid tunes back to back with Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, and then this song came on that I kind of recognized,” listener Gretchen Ming said. “It sounded kind of heavy in a nu-metal way, but also in kind of a late nineties way, like an old Bush song but not as good. It had the feel of every song that’s ever been played on an alternative rock station mashed into one. I’m not completely certain, maybe like 60-65%, but I concluded that it had to have been by Chevelle. With that being said, though, I wouldn’t go betting my life on it.”

Ming’s fellow passenger and friend Reggie Arch disagreed with her verdict.

“No, that was definitely Breaking Benjamin,” Arch offered while furrowing his brow at the car’s radio. “It had this gloomy, pseudo-alternative sound with a really boring and uninspired riff played throughout. Granted, those are also the hallmarks of a Chevelle song, but the angsty vocals were a dead giveaway. Also, I don’t think Chevelle tunes down as much as Breaking Benjamin does, and they don’t have those little 10-second guitar solos, so I’m pretty confident this was Breaking Benjamin. Well, let’s say I’m moderately confident. Maybe about 70-75%.”

Three Days Grace frontman Adam Gontier provided his insight.

“Oh, they’re both wrong. That’s definitely one of ours,” Gontier concluded while changing the strings on his PRS McCarty electric guitar. “You can tell because we actually use an acoustic guitar for the arpeggiated riffs in the beginnings of our songs, which makes it sound even heavier when we play the root notes with power chords on our down-tuned electrics in the choruses. That’s what really sets us apart from other alternative bands from the last twenty-five years or so. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s one of ours. Probably 80-85% certain. Like, I’d bet money on it.”

At press time, it was revealed that the song in question was actually by Staind.

You’ve Heard of Elf on a Shelf but Have You Heard My Band’s Demo I Sent You Six Months Ago?

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s that magical time of the year again. It’s the holidays and all that capitalist bullshit that we used to make fun of when we were younger and best friends. You remember those days don’t you? When we supported each other and our dreams? Like when we started bands and were excited for each other? Boy, we had some good times, didn’t we?

It’s also the time when everyone on social media shares that “You’ve heard of elf on a shelf but have you heard of…” meme. And sure, it’s funny and all and I get most of the jokes but I ask you now for real, as my friend, you’ve heard of Elf on a shelf but have you heard my band’s demo I sent you six months ago?

Seriously though, I sent it to you over the summer and you haven’t said a whisper about it. You haven’t reached out yet to tell me how sick it is. And obviously you would have done that immediately after listening to it because it is sick.

It’s the gift-giving season when friends give each other presents that are meaningful and will bring joy to their lives and I gave you the greatest gift of all… the gift of music. My music! But I guess you’re “too busy” with your “job” where you “earn a living” and don’t have to mooch off your “girlfriend” who you “hate” and will “definitely dump once those A&R guys hear your demo and you get signed”, right?

I know for a fact you went with your family to see Christmas carolers which I know you hate. How long did that take, two hours? But you can’t take time to listen to my psych-garge-hypno-core opus? It’s only 72 minutes of your time. I thought we were friends. Maybe I need to have Santa put another copy of my demo in your stocking?

And honestly, I don’t want to hear the excuse that since we released the demo only on cassette and not digitally that it makes it impossible to listen to. How hard is it to go on eBay, find someone selling a cassette player, make sure they aren’t a Russian scammer, enter your credit card number, pay for it, make sure your identity hasn’t been stolen, wait six weeks, and then get the player and hook it up to some old speakers (somehow) and listen to my band’s demo? Is that asking too much for one of your oldest friends?

Punk Hallmark Movie Features Scene Veteran Opening Piercing Shop in Cozy Small Town

Posted on by Bob Kerr

LOS ANGELES — Hallmark revealed that their latest holiday movie titled “The Christmas Stud” will feature a punk scene veteran opening a piercing shop in a small cozy town, confirmed mildly interested sources.

“It’s about a scene vet named Spike Mayhem who returns to their hometown of Chestnut Grove, New York and opens a piercing shop to the shock and horror of the town locals,” said Stephen Parker, the writer and director of the film. “I had the idea for the script when I was working at a piercing shop and I was threading this barbell through this guy’s anus and all I could think was, ‘there’s a Hallmark movie in here somewhere.’ Anyway, the film concludes in typical weepy fashion with the townsfolk accepting Spike into their community as they line up to have their septums pierced. I would have included a romance for our main character, but unfortunately, punks do not experience love.”

This is a first for Hallmark whose movies usually feature young attractive people running bookstores and cafes.

“We’re very proud of ‘The Christmas Stud,’” said Hallmark’s CEO, Mike Perry. “The movie is going to introduce a really fresh feel to our brand and it’s a great opportunity to highlight a group of people who are often understood as the gross genital warts of society. On top of that, we even have a goth holiday movie in the works where the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future visit the singer of Bauhaus, but no lessons are learned because they all just hang out and shoot the shit. We are breaking ground here.”

Punk icon Richard Hell was enthused about the movie, noting that this could mark an interesting shift within the scene itself.

“Finally, a Hallmark movie geared toward me, specifically,” said Hell. “Hallmark is the new punk rock! People keep saying how their movies are super fucking repetitive and cookie cutter. You know what else is super fucking repetitive? Punk music! Three chords, we hate authority, blah blah blah. What we need most right now to change things up is a Hallmark movie. Then a Lifetime feature. And our own section at Michael’s. We must infiltrate the ‘60-year-old mom’ market in every facet.”

At press time, Hallmark announced that there is already plans for a sequel based on the Dead Kennedys song “Too Drunk To Fuck.”

20 Best Christmas Songs For Your “Eyes Wide Shut” Party

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Whether you are among the 1% aristocrats or just a big Kubrick fan playing pretend, Christmas is a time to get naked and recreate everyone’s favorite orgy in cinema history. Of Course no party is complete without the perfect party mix. Here are the 20 best songs to make the event merry and bright. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. The Pogues “Fairytale of New York”

As Tom Cruise’s doctor character lives in Central Park West, “Eyes Wide Shut” is of itself a fairytale of New York. I didn’t bother to look up the lyrics but assume it just covers the plot of the film. The duet between Shane MacGowen and Kirsty MacColl is a beautiful upbeat love song that can really cheer people up.

19. Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis”

The classic rap song most people know because of its appearance in the movie “Die Hard.” What’s that? You are rolling your eyes at someone bringing up that “Die Hard” is kinda almost a Christmas movie while you are busy having your “Eyes Wide Shut” Christmas Bacchanalia? I’m sure with your deep perception of film analysis on the themes of marriage and sex you can also perceive your own hypocrisy. Exhausted meme or not, the song is great.

18. Adam Sandler “Technical Foul”

Although everyone at your sex party is wearing a mask to remain anonymous, it doesn’t mean that some of the masked guests won’t be Jewish. Don’t let them feel left out with all this Christmas music and give them a nice song from the Hanukkah classic “8 Crazy Nights” where Adam Sandler sings as three different lovable characters. Also gives important rules for etiquette at someone’s mansion.

17. Ariel Pink “Rudolph’s Laptop”

Apparently Ariel Pink wrote a Christmas song about Hunter Biden. Obviously, a wealthy man who loves sex and drugs as much as Hunter Biden is welcome at any “Eyes Wide Shut” Party. It’s too bad the song is choppy, its Rudolph connection feels incredibly forced, and the rant against Big Tech being in bed with Democrats has already aged poorly from when it came out two years ago. Hope to see ya at the party, Hunter! Ariel can stay home.

16. The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)”

A good reminder in case people are smoking weed and the pot is making them aggressive. Christmas and orgies are not a time of anger. The Ramones and their notoriously relaxing vibes will ensure that everyone is having a good, relaxed time. That’s why they all wear such snuggly leather jackets.

15. The Residents “Santa Dog”

The Residents are prime examples of how to attend an “Eyes Wide Shut” Party properly: Tuxedos, masks, and remaining completely anonymous. Not to mention that the song has great lyrics if you want to pull out the karaoke machine. You’ll probably have everyone chanting the universally known lyrics “Santa dogs’ a Jesus fetus” regardless.

14. Wham “Last Christmas”

This song goes out to everyone from last year’s orgy that accidentally fell in love. And now once again, they’ve fallen in love all over again, probably repeating the same mistakes. Falling in love goes against orgy rules but sometimes the heart wants what it wants. C’est la vie one supposes.

13. Alvin & The Chipmunks “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”

At normal speed it’s not much, but when played slowed down enough so that the vocals sound like regular humans, it makes the rhythm perfect for your ritual of women sitting nude in a circle as you wave around incense. The slowing down of Dave’s voice at the beginning is icing on the cake as it comes close to sounding like Gregorian chanting.

12. Fear “Fuck Christmas”

A good reminder of what your celebration is all about. The song is called “Fuck Christmas” and you are having a Christmas where everyone fucks. It’s not hard to see why it made the list. The band is of course also called Fear which fits what you will be instilling in any intruders who think they are worthy enough to join.

11. Bing Crosby and David Bowie “Little Drummer Boy”

Story goes that Bowie really hated this song and didn’t want to sing it. Of course he had to because the performance was a humiliation ritual to gain access to Bing Crosby’s secret Christmas sex parties. Bowie, failing to be as big of a sex symbol as Bing Crosby, would do anything to prove his worth.

10. Clarence Carter “Back Door Santa”

A touching song about going door to door having sex. Probably the most overtly sexual song here because who has time for subtlety on the best night of the year. The term “back door” probably pimples something too but whatever that could be is a good conversation piece between fornicating guests who are too shy to figure out how to make small talk.

9. Frank Sinatra “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”

The lyrics about how you should watch out and knowing when you’re sleeping is more of a threat to any interlopers who dared to invite themselves to your party. This is a private gathering and anyone who thinks they can just take a cab ride over must be given the fullest extent of warning if they dare speak of what they saw.

8. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”

Sometimes after your secret party people might be noticing strange things the day after like people following them or people who look like the guests found dead. When people ask who could be doing such things, it’s best to shrug and say “must be santa” to all the worrywarts. Plus who can resist the sexiness of Bob’s shaky voice?

7. Spike Jones & His City Slickers “All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”

Like all elite parties, children’s teeth will be served wrapped in bacon as hors d’oeuvres. When this song comes on, it’s time for your catering staff in Mardi Gras masks to come out behind the secret doors and serve the famished guests as all they’ll be wanting is this delicious snack with their name on it.

6. Dolly Parton “Hard Candy Christmas”

There’s no sugarcoating things, if you want a truly accurate “Eyes Wide Shut” party you are going to be hiring a lot of sex workers. If you are going to be hiring sex workers, make them feel welcome with this beautiful diddy from the musical “The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.” Also to remind people to take a goody bag of hard candy when leaving.

5. A.J. and Big Justice “Jingle Boom”

The only reason the Costco Guys are as popular as they are is clearly because they must have access to some elite gatherings like these. The kid is obviously too young for such an event, so the dad will probably fly solo when it comes to entering the sex dungeon. As they are among these elite, they’re music must be honored. Be on the lookout for any masked guest saying “Double CHUNK Chocolate COOKIE” if you are looking to network with him.

4. Melvins “Charmicarmicat”

With the album cover art and being titled “Eggnog,” this whole EP by the Melvins is clearly a Christmas album. All four tracks of sludge metal are perfect for naked ballroom dancing, but if have to choose one song it would have to be “Charmicarmicat” as it makes for a great safe word.

3. Piano Peace “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”

Recreate the classic scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life” where George Bailey berates his daughter for playing this song only this time the one playing the piano is some guy you hired to arrive blindfolded no questions asked! Also through the night the two of you can have fun banter like a Tonight Show host and his band leader.

2. Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas”

Band Aid took the biggest, most important people in the world together to make beautiful music all in one room. If that’s not a great comparison for an “Eyes Wide Shut” party, then I don’t know what possibly could be. Plus it’s for charity and this time is all about giving.

1. John Cage “4’33’’ 

If you claim four and a half minutes of silence can’t be about Christmas, then explain the song “Silent Night” little Miss Know-it-all. Also, the song is about using the atmosphere itself as an instrument so if it is played on Christmas, then Christmas itself is being used as an instrument. Besides the song being classy, it also gives everyone a moment of silence to think about their actions and what led them to attend an orgy.

Flair Bartender Probably Didn’t Need to Do All That With Man’s Prosthetic Leg

Posted on by Matt Husser

LAS VEGAS — Flair bartender Nico Cavalcante drew criticism from his customers today after they all agreed that he probably didn’t need to do all that with a patron’s prosthetic leg, sources confirmed.

“I was as impressed as everyone else when the bartender lit that guy’s prosthetic leg on fire and twirled it around, but there is a small part of me that questions if any of that was necessary to make a Mai Tai,” said Tom Clemens, sipping a $36 cocktail while watching the patron pour water on his melted leg. “Far be it from me to tell him how to do his job, but he was gyrating on it in front of that bachelorette party for a really long time, and the two-minute air guitar solo felt a little indulgent if his big finale was just opening a beer with the leg.”

While the boozy spectacle drew skepticism from his patrons, Cavalcante fiercely defended his artistic vision.

“Every maestro needs an instrument for their muse to communicate through: Michelangelo had his sculpting chisel, Phil Collins had his drum set, and I have that guy’s prosthetic leg,” said Cavalcante, contact juggling with a questionably-sourced glass eye. “My adoring admirers travel across the world to witness incredible feats of acrobatic mixology that delights all of their senses, and that requires each of the six Ps of flair bartending: Precision, Passion, Presentation, Personality, Professionalism, and, if the opportunity arises, Prosthetics. I defy anyone that was there that day to tell me that the ‘Lieutenant Dan Maneuver’ wasn’t absolutely vital to crafting the perfect cocktail.”

Cavalcante’s mentor, Tommy “Reno” Kowalsky, insisted that if you want to be the best, you have to use everything at your disposal—no matter what the haters say.

“Let me tell you somethin’, hombre, when flair bartenders step behind the bar we’re entering the Thunderdome, where one wrong move can be the difference between life and liquid death. I taught that young buck everything I know, and if you wanna create unforgettable cocktails sometimes you gotta break all the rules—and a few medical prostheses along the way,” said Kowalsky, performing a complicated spin move while polishing a large trophy. “I won the ’89 World Flair Bartending Championship by performing a ‘Bangkok Rim N’ Tug’ combo set to ‘Ave Maria’ and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when I wrung a Long Island Iced Tea out of that sick lady’s wig.”

At press time, Cavalcante reportedly took first at this year’s World Flair Bartending Championship despite some audience members questioning if he needed to do all that with that guy’s cremation urn.