Weird! High School Nemesis At Hometown Bar Doesn’t Remember You

Posted on by Rachel Hein

You’re home for the holidays! Though your parents would cut off a limb to spend any amount of quality time with you, the first thing you do with that precious time is head to the local dive bar where your old crew is looking to get wrecked like the old days in much too-snug Christmas sweaters. It’s a real who’s who of the Southeast Indiana class of ‘11. But there’s one person on your mind. One person who still makes your right eye twitch. The thought of their face sends a bubbling rage up from your gut. Lance Nash.

Lance. Your nemesis. Your only worthy adversary. Your true equal. You think of the hours of sleep you lost in high school because of this man. You ran in the same circles, went for the same girls, took all the same honors classes, and competed for principal tubist in the school band. You couldn’t get away from each other! And there he was, after all these years, clinking glasses and laughing with your friends, your buddies, at the bar in his stupid cable-knit sweater.

“Sorry, who are we talking about?” Lance inquired when asked about you.

You decide to help jog his memory and approach him at the bar, making sure he hears you order a scotch on the rocks before delivering a tepid, “Lance Nash. Long time no see.” “Hey, good to see ya,” Lance offers. You look him dead in the eye, seeing he’s coming up blank. “Jethro Brink? I was, like, your rival back in high school band.” Lance looks confused at first. “Oh yeah! My rival! (“angry”) You!” He playfully nudges you.

Aubrey, a former clarinet player, also at the bar shares that Nash was the best tubist she’s ever encountered. “His breathwork, finger dexterity, the firm rhythmic foundation he gave the band – he was a singular talent. No one came close. All the girls were obsessed with him, but he was complicated, you know? There was a mystery about him… a rich inner life.” When asked about Jethro she squinted at him across the room, “Oh yeah, the twitchy guy. Huh.”

The former band director, Mr. Burns, also asked for comment, said he hasn’t seen lungs like that on a kid since Nash. He notes he was at a bad place in his life at that time and Nash breathed new life into him as band teacher, reminding him why he does what he does and what life is all about. On the subject of Jethro he added, “Lotta names over the years, some don’t stick.”

You swirl your drink and try to unclench your jaw. You know Lance is loving this moment. Living for it. Seeing you squirm is what drives him. Stop twitching, stop it!

Bored Henry Rollins Hires Guy Off TaskRabbit to Interview Him for a Few Hours

Posted on by James Knapp

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Continuous go-getter Henry Rollins recently employed the services of a TaskRabbit professional to ask him questions about his varied projects and interests in order to kill a few spare hours on a rainy Thursday, well-spoken sources confirmed.

“I’m always the most comfortable when I’m working — but sometimes if the work isn’t there, you have to create the work for yourself,” began Rollins while researching how to test for a commercial airline pilot’s license. “So while I found myself with a little free time I figured why not knock out some interview questions about my favorite albums and which third-world countries I found most charming. Fortunately, TaskRabbit was able to deliver a real pro to help me make it happen. Plus, while he was here I had him alphabetize my 7” collection.”

Andrew Fitzsimmons, who often uses the app to make a few extra dollars, detailed his experience interviewing Rollins.

“Most of what I do for TaskRabbit is pretty pedestrian, like assembling Ikea furniture or helping old people fix their WiFi. I really don’t have any experience interviewing someone about the pitfalls of touring in the midwest. I asked him if this was for a podcast or a documentary and then he lectured me for two hours about how capitalism and art are diametrically opposed” Fitzsimmons stated. “Still though, it was cool to break up the routine a bit, and Rollins was super nice — though he did tip me with a vinyl copy of one of his spoken-word albums. Do you think I could resell this thing on Facebook Marketplace?”

Penny Doleful, who runs Dungeons & Dragons campaigns in an assisted living facility, gave their perspective on the issue of boredom and aging.

“The elderly aren’t always able to do all of the things they used to love, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply affected by a lack of mental stimulation. So by whatever methods are available, it’s important to have options to keep them occupied,” said Doleful. “That’s why I started DMing DnD campaigns for the old folks who live in this home. It’s a deeply immersive activity that no one will ever truly understand how it all works. That really drives engagement right up until the second when it’s time to finally pull the plug!”

At press time, Rollins was reportedly writing a screenplay about a tough-as-nail detective named “Renry Hollins” who solves crimes by rifling through victims’ record collections to find clues.

The Top Talking Heads Songs to Sing at the Mail Carrier Through Your Front Door Mail Slot

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

You might be a squatter, but it’s just to keep the rebellious new wave, CBGB, Lower East Side spirit alive. Squatting in houses of families that travel for the winter is your right, man. That’s right, you’re sort of an unofficial guardian of this Rhode Island suburban block. Hey, this is the state where the Talking Heads all first met! You’re sure the US Postal Service workers will be totally down with this squatting situation, as long as you keep them entertained by singing some groovy tunes. Let’s dive into the a capella playlist you’ve got lined up for them! The name of this band is: an illegally squatting dude singing Talking Heads. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Love → Building on Fire”

Wave and wiggle your fingers through the mail slot. Introduce yourself. You have to start gently, so begin with the first piece of music ever released by Talking Heads, seven months before their debut album even came out. This is a good one to make first impressions with, as you show the mail courier that you only want to approach them with “love.” Attempt the jaunty horn arrangements with a harmonica found upstairs.

29. “Heaven”

Their third album “Fear of Music” spawned this 1979 anthem to listlessness. You want to create your new abode in the image of this song. You use this as a personal anthem as to how laidback and apathetic your rent-free existence will be here. You convince the mail courier that you are in heaven, that this is a place where “nothing ever happens.” Translation: don’t call the cops, man. Be cool.

28. “Making Flippy Floppy (Live)”

“Do you like the 1984 live concert ‘Stop Making Sense’? It’s pretty much the perfect concert film. Remember Jonathan Demme, director of ‘Silence of the Lambs’? That was him, same dude!” you excitedly share with the mail courier through the slot, your chapped lips eking out. You explain that you prefer this concert version. “And A24 went ahead and re-released it last year, did you catch it?” you ask. Unfortunately the multiple references to ‘Silence of the Lambs’ has conditioned the postal worker to approach with caution.

27. “And She Was”

After finding a jug of sangria in the basement, you get nostalgic and melodramatic. Good thing this up-tempo song fondly reminds you of an ex-girlfriend. When the mail comes again, you belt a rendition of “And She Was” from the band’s sixth studio album, 1985’s “Little Creatures,” trying to prompt a conversation around lost loves and bygone past romances. The mail courier has begun walking with a faster gait away from the house. No mind: your song can still reach them via side windows.

26. “Burning Down the House”

One of the band’s most recognizable songs (a single from their 1983 fifth album “Speaking in Tongues”), this is a good one to bring the mail carrier down to your level. Use this as a possible fib and threat: “If you don’t listen to me sing Talking Heads, I will burn down this house.” Perhaps a bit extreme, but it’s also the dead of winter and you need to stay warm. Plenty of other houses with rickety locks.

25. “Houses in Motion”

Now that you’ve ingested all the pharmaceuticals you could find in the medicine cabinets, everything outside is absolutely buzzing. You watch the postal worker approach the house with wonder; lightning bolts shoot from their shoulders to your hazy eyes. The world is spinning. We are on a rock floating in space. From the fourth album by the band, “Remain in Light,” this 1980 single begins an endless cycle of neighbor complaints. Good thing the bizarre combination of drugs softly renders the chattering humans into friendly wan shapes visiting your window.

24. “Psycho Killer – Acoustic”

Show that you have teeth by singing this single from their 1977 debut album “Talking Heads: 77,” with French lyrics provided by bassist Tina Weymouth. The postal worker can appreciate the variety when you ask if they’ve heard the acoustic version of this song. Offer to play it for them sometime, perhaps upstairs? An unprompted song titled “Psycho Killer” is sure to open plenty of doors with government workers.

23. “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) [Live]”

You’ve found a pocket, ride the groove. The mail carrier seems to recognize this song. Perhaps it’s fear as a response mechanism. Or perhaps you’ve met another kindred soul that loves Talking Heads as much as you do. Start a dialogue about how the live “Stop Making Sense” version has superior harmonies, see if this piques their interest. Ignore frantic texts to the USPS base for help – convince them of how charming, quaint and domestic your situation has become. “Home is where I want to be, but I guess I’m already there,” you weepily sing, tears sliding down the front door.

22. “Once in a Lifetime (Live)”

Keep the hits coming by reminding the mail carrier of the temporal nature of life. Maybe rummage through the closets and slap on the clothes of those normally occupying this house. Run around in the trousers and bras of strangers, yelling “This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!” Show your rejection of modern capitalism by spitting any mail or catalogs back out to the postal worker. Declare yourself as part of the resistance by writing lyrics from “Once in a Lifetime” on IRS statements, hospital bills, and paychecks. Cause chaos, become ungovernable.

21. “Wild Wild Life”

From their seventh album, 1986’s “True Stories” (and as tied to the David Byrne film), this one might not be as recognizable to new postal workers on your route. You can’t understand the reason for new carriers, it seems to change almost daily. Seems that only philistines are assigned these blocks. Or maybe they are country/folk fans instead, who knows? Either way, use this song as a chance to reflect on how funny life is. One time you were in med school, studying the human colon. Next thing you’re giving it all up for a life as a rock groupie, living on couches and chasing a blurry carefree dream impossible in today’s America. You’d finish this thought, but you remember a beer you left on the counter.

20. “Girlfriend Is Better”

OK, so you haven’t had a “girlfriend” since Obama’s second term. The postal worker doesn’t need to know that! Make yourself sound mysterious by talking about your girlfriend who lives in Bratislava. Talk about the “bows in her hair,” talk about the “smoke in her eyes,” the postal worker is barely listening, trying to avoid you. You scream through the mail slot that she wants to move to America, but needs an immigration visa first. While talking through the slot, offer cheese and crackers found in the garage fridge. Make the USPS employee feel welcome as you squat in a stranger’s home.

19. “A Clean Break (Let’s Work) – Live from WCOZ, Massachusetts”

Work with an arrangement closer to the version on their 1982 live album “The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads,” the underrated compilation by this new wave band. With a raw sensibility and forward tempo, feel free to pound on the door along to this one, screaming at the top of your lungs. Why wait for the mail carrier? Shun the daylight. Make this a midnight jam.

18. “Don’t Worry About the Government”

It seems like an empathetic postal worker has finally been assigned the route that covers this very house. When he kindly asks if you’re worried about being arrested, you begin singing this song. Message is in the title, buddy. Move along! If you wanted a therapist, you would’ve stayed at that psychiatric hospital back in Georgia. Instead you made it to Rhode Island all on your own! Well, maybe with a forged bus ticket. You don’t even know what taxes are. A government building may as well be a 7-11. You follow David Byrne’s guidance, taking this song truly to heart.

17. “Nothing but Flowers”

You blast a true bop from their eighth and final album, 1988’s “Naked” and drag out all the pots in the kitchen for the eclectic rhythm section on this one. You’d open the windows to get the neighbors involved, but there’s a risk of police crawling in for a raid. Use this as a chance to remind this government worker that this entire plot of tract suburban houses used to be flowers, nature, greenery. “There was a factory / now there are mountains and rivers,” you ominously say, which is somehow called in as some sort of threat. Good, let them know you deeply love this song ever since first hearing it on the “Clerks II” soundtrack in middle school.

16. “I Zimbra”

Get the goddamn blood pumping with this absolute banger. This was an indicator of where the band was going, sound-wise. You are absolutely enamored with drummer Chris Frantz’s work on this one. You use this as a chance to talk about Frantz with the postal worker, but they insist they are on a tight schedule. Never mind, this song still works to garner stares, especially when sung to children passing by or families walking their dog. This might actually be attracting too much attention. (Hint: that means you’re doing it right.)

15. “Take Me to the River”

“Remember that singing plastic fish, Big Mouth Billy Bass? This was one of his songs!” you insist upon the mail carrier, squeezing your lips to loudly sing this nostalgic throwback song originally written by Al Green. Delivering the mail has actually become a problem for this house. You can’t understand why anyone would want to deny themselves the chance to hear you sing this stellar tune from the band’s second album, 1978’s “More Songs About Buildings and Food” which you have on a constant rotation. This also serves as a reminder to seek water as the owners have become alerted to your presence and have shut off the water line to the property.

14. “City of Dreams”

A teary-eyed nostalgic play, you sing this to the mail carrier union representative who has come to ask you to please accept the mounting mail. There is a pile outside the door, as you won’t receive the mail until the USPS workers agree to hear more Talking Heads songs. For a minute you think you get through to them with this lovely ballad, but instead they all drive away in their boxy white Grumman LLVs. Yeah, you know all about the make and model of official USPS mail trucks. You pick things up on the road.

13. “Slippery People”

The lyrics in this song begin to echo the questions you hear from all passersby outside. “What’s the matter with him?” is never a good question to hear asked about yourself. These postal workers are slippery people indeed. You thought they were chill, man. You thought they wouldn’t report a mysterious new tenant in a house normally empty during the winter season. Instead, they turned out to be another narc, just like your old roommate whose wallet you used to “borrow” from, or your brother whose identity you stole to forge documents. What happened to the world, man? People used to be cool. David Byrne would totally understand.

12. “Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)”

This whole song could be your personal philosophy, you explain through the mail slot. When the mail carrier finally arrives for the day, you moan your truth: despite the difficulties of life, you carry on. Just like the juxtaposing titular tension of this song. These days, members of the HOA accompanied by cops are making more regular visits here. Hiding from law enforcement is something you have no problems with. Sing this song to yourself as you sit on the dry tiled floor of the upstairs shower. Wow, your voice sure bounces in here.

11. “Pulled Up”

Last night you heard someone fiddling with the front door. Is it someone else trying to squat here? Is it the original owner? Either way, you use the yelpy screeching parts of this song as an attempt to scare visitors away, running down the stairs with a fiery charge, shouting lyrics from this intense pop burst. Begin slipping odd jewelry and tchotchkes through the front door, let them know that you’re willing to ruin the decor of this house. The more unpredictable you seem, the more time you have to squat in this ample Rhode Island abode.

10. “I’m Not in Love”

You begin to realize: perhaps it is time to let go of this house. Attachment is the source of all misery. Follow the Buddhist routes that one drifter aboard a Reno freight train divulged many summers ago. Non-attachment will only bring new adventures, new truth, new company and new insights of happiness. “I’m not in love!” you exclaim repeatedly through the mail slot, confusing everyone in the neighborhood. Like how keyboardist Jerry Harrison had to pick up after the dissolution of The Modern Lovers – he was quickly folded into the Talking Heads and the rest is history. You don’t know what the future holds, man. The future is unwritten. Maybe you’ll find a donut in a puddle today.

9. “The Great Curve”

Thinking about the curve of life, you realize you can’t stay here forever. You gently open the door for a fuller glimpse of the early morning outside world. There are multiple notices on the door requesting in-person physical mail pickup at the post office. Um… nope! That’s not gonna happen. You quickly snatch up any remaining packages, parcels or loose mail into the house to perhaps search for American Express samples or gift cards from distant relatives. Whoa, a coupon to Buffalo Wild Wings? You suddenly have plans for the weekend, brother!

8. “Life During Wartime”

Opening the door, big mistake. Cops have descended upon the house. The postal workers are all there, gladly reporting the weird shit you said to them while singing Talking Heads songs, each interaction bordering on problematic. “Life During Wartime” indeed. This must’ve been what it was like during the Blitz, or the Fall of Saigon. This is a historic moment for this neighborhood. When hiding in an upstairs annex, you wave at someone barbecuing next door for help, but they only alert law enforcement. You’ve truly parachuted into hostile enemy territory.

7. “Thank You for Sending Me an Angel”

Upon discovering a whole other drawer of slightly-expired antibiotics, you decide to take everything you find at once before falling into a seven-hour hallucinatory stupor. There is a literal angel on the front lawn. It is beautiful and deadly. Nobody knows the splendor you are experiencing. You make subtle shadow puppetry outside the mail slot for the angel, not realizing multiple law enforcement vehicles are observing your every move. Unpredictability works in your favor: nobody wants to barrage into the house, but if you keep singing Talking Heads songs out of the loose orifices of the house (a backdoor keyhole, an ajar window, a sooty chimney), the police at least think they can buy time before the media is alerted.

6. “The Book I Read”

That’s right, you’ve got a manifesto. You’re a Talking Heads troubadour-squatter, did anyone expect less? Unfortunately your manifesto is completely written on this stranger’s mail. You’ve somewhat stapled it all together. There’s really a thrust to your argument. Offer this tome to the officers slowly making their way to the backyard. Let them know that “absolute truth about the universe and government” is scribbled on those envelopes.

5. “Sax and Violins”

At this point you are just buying time. No one talks about how great this song is, but the police are not having it. “OK, I’ll leave the postal workers alone!” you scream, a light attempt at a surrender. Unfortunately for everyone you’re now naked, slipping in the fluids (it’s been a month, you’re a messy boy) now covering the foyer. Best part about squatting in winter homes? Never having to clean up your own mess. Let these entitled assholes deal with it in the spring.

4. “The Big Country”

Maintain your optimism! Remind everyone outside behind their bullhorns and search-lights that this is a huge nation. There is plenty of room for everyone! There is a housing crisis, after all. You look around at rows and rows of these empty houses, abandoned in the winter for sunnier climates by jet-setting families. Lyrics from “The Big Country” begin spilling out of you before a rubber bullet whizzes by. Oh no, it seems like private bounty hunters were employed. Maybe these assholes like David Byrne’s solo work instead? Maybe switch it up to some Tom Tom Club? Ask them through the mail slot.

3. “Road to Nowhere”

You know your rights, man. There isn’t shit they can do about a squatter! These cops are jerks on a real road to nowhere, per the 1985 Talking Heads song. You mock them via an upstairs bathroom window, also noticing that a news van and helicopter are now covering this strange standdown. Hey, any publicity is good publicity. You just hope they don’t use that old mugshot without your Talking Heads lyrics face tattoo.

2. “Sugar on My Tongue”

Stuff as much food as you can into your pockets. You’re hitting the road. You’re rollin’ out! You grab some instant coffee in your fists, creamer in your shirt pocket, sugar on your damn tongue. You almost laugh, thinking about the Talking Heads song, but you’re jumping over fences with snacks spilling out of your parka. You leave kitchen item breadcrumbs leading to your next house, a scattered mess of apples, pancake batter, whatever you could quickly grab from the cupboards. Nevermind the haul: you abandon the food, jumping into another patio, another home empty for the winter.

1. “Crosseyed and Painless (Live)”

Keep the lights off in this new house, you need to settle in and get the heat off. This is the smashing finale song to their famous live show, a thrilling send-off leaving the audience in the squirmy frustration of a familiar mantra: “I’m still waiting.” And damn right you’re still waiting. For people to finally be chill with squatting, like they were in the 1980s Lower East Side. For government workers to appreciate Talking Heads songs as much as you do. For someone to finally understand your specific, ersatz genius. Oh well. Tomorrow’s a new day to continue writing your manifesto on other people’s mail.

Listen to the full playlist:

Friends Hold Intervention for Woman Who Has Become a Sober Influencer

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

FISHERS, Ind. — A small group hosted an intervention recently to help their friend Krista Simmons who has become a sober influencer, distraught and slightly annoyed sources confirmed.

“I’m so incredibly proud of Krista. Since she’s quit drinking her mental health has been better, she’s healthier, and she’s excelling at her job. Now, I just need her to shut the fuck up about it, already,” said friend Diane Ferguson. “This is why we decided that an intervention was necessary. We’re all very supportive of her sobriety, and will continue to do whatever we can to help our friend on this journey. But please, we just want her to stop making sobriety her entire personality. Several of us have already had to block her online.”

Simmons expressed her frustration following the intervention.

“I was going over my friend Diane’s house, excited to tell her about a recipe I found for a turmeric and ginger latte, that is seriously way better after a long day than any cocktail ever could be, when I was completely blindsided. All my friends and loved ones are sitting around, shaming me about how my sobriety is getting out of hand and ruining their lives,” said Simmons. “The worst was when my mom started crying about how I’m trying way too hard to make sobriety look more fun than drinking and she’s not sure how many memes she can take. They’re just lucky this is giving me months of material to work with on social media, otherwise I’d be really pissed off.”

Therapist and former fitness influencer Grayson Fields discussed how he helped host other interventions for influencers.

“In our society it is very difficult for a person to make a major life change and keep it to themselves. Whether it be sobriety, losing weight, or becoming a mustard aficionado, every asshole thinks they need to start a podcast and tell us all about their journey,” said Fields. “At this point it is necessary for a professional to step in, so they don’t destroy all their friendships in the process.”

At press time, Simmons had been arrested after she lit all of her mother’s “Wine O’Clock” throw pillows on fire, accidentally burning down her house.

If the Catholic Church Is Becoming More Open to New Ideas, Why Won’t My Priest Transubstantiate This Bag of Honey BBQ Chex Mix?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Pope Francis seems to be in the news fairly regularly as a new face for the often antiquated and unwelcoming Catholic Church. Just last year, he allowed members of the LGBTQ+ community to receive blessings, and also decried laws criminalizing members of that community for merely existing. While this may (rightfully) be seen as paltry and ineffective measures from an organization with so much it needs to atone for, it is a step in the right direction toward being more welcoming. Which leads me to ask, if the Catholic Church is indeed becoming more open to new ideas, why won’t my priest transubstantiate this bag of Honey BBQ Chex Mix?

I don’t get it. I attend Mass every week with the intention of bettering myself as a person. I go to Confession several times a month, and I always put money in the collection plate. If anyone is entitled to providing a little bit of feedback to the institution, it should be me. Yet, when I make one tiny suggestion to my priest regarding the culinary preparation of the Body of Christ, I’m met with a heretofore unseen level of rather rudely expressed resistance. It really doesn’t make sense to me.

Honestly, I don’t see what the issue is. Why should the Host be constrained to wafers that essentially have the flavor and texture of Styrofoam? This way I can achieve Salvation on the go, and I don’t have to choke down something like a stale fortune cookie that’s had all the flavor sucked out of it. Has he even tried these Honey BBQ Chex Mix? They’re pretty fucking good, and they have less saturated fat than potato chips. If I was a god in human form who needed his followers to eat him in order to save their eternal souls, I’d much rather be something they don’t dread eating. After all, doesn’t Jesus love us? The more I rationalize this, the more I think I’m in the right.

Yet here we are, with my priest, who’s a representative of the supposedly evolving Catholic Church, having one of his most dedicated congregants ushered from his Sunday Mass. And honestly, for an establishment that’s supposedly trending in the right direction, they sure removed me from that church pretty forcefully. I didn’t even have the chance to request having this lukewarm 2 liter of Cheerwine turned into the Blood of Christ. I’ll take the more tactful avenue here and wait until next week to bring that up, and anyway, it looks like they locked the door behind me.

Local Punk Scene Thrown Into Turmoil After Opening Band Leaves Right After Playing Their Set

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. – Opening band Abridged Aversion left the local punk scene in a tailspin when they immediately departed following their 15-minute set instead of sticking around to support the other bands on the bill, outraged sources confirmed.

“Look, we put them on the bill because they’ve only played one or two shows ever,” said Gus Halfuller, guitarist for headlining band Daycap. “Because of that, they bring in a decent crowd made up of their friends and family who haven’t yet realized seeing your friend on stage on a Tuesday is actually depressing. It makes for a good audience, but if the band leaves early so does everyone they brought with them—and that’s exactly what happened. I remember asking my bass player, ‘Are these guys for real? Are they really not going to stick around to watch the six other bands on the bill?’”

The controversy quickly reached Abridged Aversion’s lead singer, Riley Marin, who scrambled to explain the band’s actions.

“This wasn’t some power play on our part. The reality is, none of us ever got our driver’s license except for our drummer, so we rode with him,” said Marin. “Right before we are about to go on we find out he had work early the next morning so he couldn’t stick around. None of us were in the mood to try and bum a ride from my ex-boyfriend, who was the only other person I knew there with a car. So we left—it was nothing personal.”

Local punk scene veteran, historian, and rule enforcer Pete Repel said he wasn’t surprised, adding that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

“You have a lot of new blood coming into the scene who haven’t put in the work, haven’t grown up in the scene the way their older counterparts have,” Repel said while sulkily smoking a cigarette. “They don’t know what it feels like to be that headliner, sit through opening band after opening band, and then hop on stage to find everyone is gone. This is why the ‘Gilman St.–CBGB Accords of 1987’ were signed, agreeing that ‘No opening act should leave prior to the headliner.’ I’m concerned about what kind of precedent this sets going forward.”

At press time, the Abridged Aversion drummer reportedly slept through his alarm and was late to work the following day.

Upcoming AC/DC North American Tour Mostly Excuse for Band to Visit “Yellowstone” Filming Locations

Posted on by Tim Graham

SYDNEY — Rock legends AC/DC are gearing up for another tour of the US so they can see where their favorite television program was shot, according to sources close to the band.

“The boys and I love ‘Yellowstone’ and have wanted to visit some of the beautiful landscapes where the show takes place,” said guitarist Angus Young. “Me mates back home are going to be so jealous when they see pics of me standing right where Rip killed the guy with a rattlesnake. Of course, we could’ve just gone on holiday to America, but our accountant told us if we combined it with a tour it would be a tax write-off. Poor Brian was hoping he’d get to meet some of the Dutton clan but I had to break it to him that it’s just a show and that John, Jamie, and Beth won’t be there.”

AC/DC megafan Clyde Stewart is excited to get another chance to see the band live.

“I really didn’t think they’d tour again. Brian is 77, and Angus is getting up there as well,” said Stewart while squeezing into a Highway to Hell tour tee shirt. “I do find it odd that so much of the tour is centered around Montana and Utah, though. It would’ve been nice if they scheduled at least one New York show. They must have some logical reason for doing it. Maybe they need all that clean country air for their health or something. Doesn’t matter, I’ve already bought tickets for their Bozeman, Missoula, and Provo dates.”

Mick Farthing, longtime tour manager for some of rock’s biggest acts, says bands often have ulterior motives when planning a tour.

“Not many people know this, but the bulk of a tour manager’s job is coordinating the shows with areas of interest particular to the band,” said Farthing. “The latest Guns N’ Roses tour made a few stops in Southeast Asia specifically so Axl could get cheap dental work and for Slash to get his hair plugs touched up. And U2’s Vertigo tour had some dates in Greenland simply because the Edge wanted to prove to Bono that narwhals are real.”

At press time, AC/DC had announced additional dates so the band could sit in on a taping of CBS’ “Matlock” reboot.

Opinion: Any Movie Syncs up With “Dark Side of the Moon” if You Don’t Give a Shit

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you’re between the ages of 30 and 45, chances are you’ve heard a high school friend’s older brother explain one of the greatest pop culture coincidences of all time: that if you play Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and watch “The Wizard of Oz” simultaneously at the same time, the music matches up perfectly with what’s going on in the film. Spoiler alert: it sort of works and it’s just okay.

Honestly, I’m sick of hearing about it. Sure it was cool when the connection was made in 1995, when physical media was mostly CD and VHS tapes. But in the age of too much content coupled with our collective disassociation from society, it’s time to admit literally any movie syncs up with “Dark Side of the Moon” if you don’t give a shit.

I tried the whole “Dark Side of the Rainbow” one night and I felt like an idiot when I realized the album is an entire hour shorter than the movie, so it’s basically only in lockstep until Dorothy meets the Tin Man! What’s the point then? It wasn’t until the next night when I knocked back six Budweisers and put on “BASEketball” when it dawned on me that 70’s psych rock pairs with anything you want the moment you stop caring about life.

Try it yourself and you’ll see once you no longer care about the outcome of anything how easily the album and any movie are in lockstep. Air Bud? Sure! Robocop? Why the hell not! The state of Minnesota’s anti-sexual harassment training video I was court ordered to watch? Almost too eerily lined up if you ask me.

Today’s straight-to-streaming movies are so goddamn boilerplate anyway, you could blindly use any Netflix romcom and get the same results. If the entertainment industry is going to feed us this slop amidst a dying empire, you might as well spice it up with some decent dad rock.

Go nuts because who even cares at this point! We’re on a floating rock in space hurtling towards mutual self-destruction, so if you want to say “Brain Damage” lines up with the puppet show scene from The Sounds of Music then go ahead, go ahead and live your truth!

I’m done caring. Life is long and there is time to kill today, so let’s try pairing “Wish You Were Here” with “The Room” next.

Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning Activities

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.

“This will play an integral role in getting the band back to the cohesive, effective unit that they used to be,” therapist Sonya Jensen provided. “They had come to me complaining about their recent inability to reach common ground with their songwriting, so I suggested incorporating activities with shared objectives into their regular church burnings that will bring them into a more aligned style of thinking that will undoubtedly pay dividends in the studio. They’re really having a blast, pun intended.”

Frontman Anders Lund eagerly followed Jensen’s instructions.

“We’ve really lost the true essence of evil that inspired the filth and repulsion of our earlier works, and I’m hoping this will help regain it,” Lund offered while geocaching for the lighter and gasoline needed for their latest venture. “The purpose of our music is to drain the faith of every Christian infecting this cursed planet, and we can’t do that until we’re able to come together as a team. I never would have thought using a GPS app to locate the tools we need to destroy this grotesque house of the Crucified One would be what we needed, but I’m already feeling closer to my bandmates. I can’t wait to hear the newest collection of hellfire-forged hatred we will create after this.”

Fan Marissa Lowell was optimistic about the band’s efforts.

“Their last few albums were definitely lackluster, so if it takes the band conducting a scavenger hunt in the ruins of a church they’ve just razed to the ground, I’m all for it,” Lowell said. “I never would’ve thought that’s what they needed to return to the genius of their debut EP ’Cult of Unholy Perversions,’ but then again, I’m not a therapist. I’m really looking forward to hearing how this affects their next album. Hopefully it’s not a repeat occurrence of the therapist session in Metallica’s ‘Some Kind of Monster’ documentary, because we all know how that turned out.”

At press time, Jensen suggested a band outing to happy hour at TGI Fridays to talk through the drummer’s feelings of wanting to murder the guitarist and make a necklace out of fragments of his skull.

Every Machine Head Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Machine Head are an Oakland-based groove metal band formed in 1991 by guitarist and vocalist Robb Flynn at a Metallica show. The band’s lineup has been in flux since its inception, but its best and most well-known lineup is Flynn, lead guitarist Phil Demmel, bassist Adam Duce, and drummer Dave McClain. Besides being the primary creative direction, Flynn is also known for stuffing natural harmonics in his songwriting. As such, Machine Head’s tablature has more diamonds than an African mine. Flynn also likes his online interactions like he likes relationships with former bandmates—bitterly antagonistic. Anyhow, I guess we’re gonna let freedom ring with a shotgun blast by exploring the band’s ten records.

10. Bloodstone & Diamonds (2014)

Like a Tesla in self-driving mode, Machine Head refused to stay in their lane. As such, their unfocused eighth album finds them having an identity crisis. They’re still a groove metal band at their core, which is why the experimentation here—strings, keyboards, some bouncy djent—sounds like two different bands. Worse yet, “Bloodstone & Diamonds” mostly operates in mid-tempo, making its 71 minutes kind of a slog to get through. It’s unfortunate, because there are several terrific melodies here, some nifty riffing, and some of Flynn’s most venomous (read: best) vocals to date. The latter’s fitting, because his political criticism is as biting as ever: “Live to buy, or time to die / It’s all for sale on credit lines / Until the fucking end of time / Shackled to the dotted line.” Ultimately, much of “Bloodstone” is wasted potential, making it the band’s most frustrating full-length.

Play it again: the title track
Skip it: “Sail into the Black”

9. Catharsis (2018)

This isn’t the rap-metal disaster you’ve heard it is. Rather, the majority of “Catharsis” answers the Mad Libs-esque question, “What if Imagine Dragons tried nu metal?” Indeed, this is an overlong pop-metal album in the most literal sense: the emphasis here is on inviting melodies and gigantic choruses, and in that regard it’s a success. The record’s real strength, though, lies in some of Flynn’s best-ever writing. Topical stuff—“Wall Street and the billionaires / Convinced us they’re so smart / Saying, ‘Vote with your wallet / Instead of with your hearts’”—is generally sharp, but it’s the story songs about drug dealing and Louis XI that are truly engaging. This bears the least resemblance to the band, yes, but its focused nature makes for a more coherent and more satisfying work than “Bloodstone.” In reality, “Catharsis” is a good album, but not a good Machine Head album.

Play it again: “Volatile”
Skip it: “Eulogy”

8. Supercharger (2001)

Machine Head’s fourth outing is their other scatterbrained one. On the one hand, “Supercharger” is a fascinating exploration of (presumably) Flynn’s psyche growing up (“When drawing stick-men of pornographic men and women / Thinking all the time there’s something wrong with me”) and the accompanying shitty behavior (“I was that kid prank-calling your girlfriend / Couldn’t get a goddamn date”). On the other, it’s an album of growing pains wherein the band tries to let go of nu metal and return to groove metal, resulting in a quasi-schizophrenia to the proceedings. Yet, it’s a mostly-successful endeavor, thanks to this being their best-played and best-sounding record to this point. Neat riffs and some stellar drumming almost save it. But “Supercharger”’s true notoriety is its lead single, “Crashing Around You,” being released just before 9/11, an event more unfortunately timed than Kublai Khan’s invasion of Japan.

Play it again: “Bulldozer”
Skip it: “Deafening Silence”

7. The Burning Red (1999)

This is the band’s worthwhile nu metal-infused record—yes, that’s a thing if you’re a nostalgic Millennial—and it’s more fun than you remember. That’s despite the awkward sorta-rapping, the brief foray into trip-hop (!?), and the overachieving-high-schooler poetry (“See my fate, underestimate / I intoxicate while you emulate”) likely aimed at the disaffected youth this was made for. Fittingly, Flynn largely sets aside politics and world events, and instead writes like the record’s key demo (“Emptiness fills inside me / Bitterness has denied me / Faith that this world / Could ever really give a shit”). But “The Burning Red” isn’t a downer, because there’s a whole lotta groove, plenty of enjoyable riffing (perhaps thanks to new lead guitarist Ahrue Luster), and even a handful of songs with something approaching a hook. “Burning” may be dated—especially due to the brittle mix—but it’s still better than most metal bands’ late-’90s trend-chasing.

Play it again: “From This Day”
Skip it: the title track

6. ØF KINGDØM AND CRØWN (2022)

Machine Head’s tenth record offers a bit of everything: multi-part prog-groove, soaring and/or dueling leads, hooky melodies, festival-metal choruses, gnarly riffing, balladeering, and thrashy galloping. Guitarist Wacław Kiełtyka (of Decapitated) and session drummer Navene Koperweis breathe new life into the band, making this the most alive MH has sounded in more than a decade—especially the drumming, the most impressive of the band’s career—and it’s a shame this lineup didn’t last. “ØF KINGDØM AND CRØWN” is also notable for being the band’s first concept album. It’s a story-cycle about lost love and killing sprees—i.e., standard fare for Machine Head—but Flynn still finds room for timely political commentary: “Fracking ripping holes in the soil / Fossils of centuries; spill our mother’s sacred oil.” This record is an excellent sample-platter of the band and is, thus, the easiest entrypoint into their catalog.

Play it again: “CHØKE ØN THE ASHES ØF YØUR HATE”
Skip it: “KILL THY ENEMIES”

5. Burn My Eyes (1994)

Machine Head’s debut LP established hallmarks of the quartet’s sound and career, including a penchant for harmonics, trading solos, speeding up for a song’s final section, and snarling socio-political commentary. Of that last one, Flynn basically spends the whole time ranting about corruption everywhere: religion, government, media, the justice system, etc. “Fed up with this whole system / It’s gone on far too long” works as a makeshift thesis, and it’d be subtitled “An open mind with a closed fist.” The lean songwriting and arrangements, meanwhile, allow the riffs room to shine. The only real downside is drummer Chris Kontos: he’s an excellent musician, but he plays like an over-tightened screw, and his stiffness holds the band back. Still, like Pantera’s “Cowboys from Hell,” “Burn My Eyes” is a landmark in groove metal, and one of the most important metal albums of the ’90s.

Play it again: “Davidian”
Skip it: “Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies”

4. The More Things Change… (1997)

Machine Head’s sophomore effort is an upgraded version of their debut by being thrashier and angrier. The musicianship is improved and more confident—including newcomer McClain on drums, who lends some much-needed looseness—the riffs are sharper, and the arrangements are smarter and more complex. In other words, “The More Things Change…” is what “Burn My Eyes” shoulda been. Flynn, meanwhile, seems to be more frustrated than an incel on Tinder (“My faith has waned / Because I feel the strain / In my eyes it’s all gone wrong”) because of the continually-broken system (“I got a friend might not walk again / And your laws never helped at all / Go fuck your clause, your probable cause / Power-trippin’ above us all”). “Burn” may be the more important record, but this is the superior one, and the band’s best of the decade.

Play it again: “Take My Scars”
Skip it: “Violate”

3. Through the Ashes of Empires (2003)

Luster left in 2002, and then MH lost all traces of nu metal. Helluva coincidence there. “Through the Ashes of Empires,” then, is fantastic thrashy, proggy groove metal—i.e., what they should be doing. Here, Demmel replaces Luster, and Demmel’s presence is felt immediately in flashy leads and tasteful soloing. With inspirational lyrics like “Love will be my rock / The rock that I stand on” and “Let go your sorrow / Sun will shine, this I promise,” “Through” might be MH’s most positive record—though, keep in mind the bar to clear that is sitting in a deep hole. Lest we forget who we’re discussing, much of the album finds Flynn further working through a tortured upbringing that’d make Tomás de Torquemada flinch. Operating at near-peak capacity, they’d take this energy and somehow improve with the follow-up (see #1).

Play it again: “Imperium”
Skip it: “Wipe the Tears”

2. Unto the Locust (2011)

This is essentially a sleeker version of “The Blackening” (see below). At 48 minutes, “Unto the Locust” is their shortest album to date. The record has a stronger melodic focus than its predecessor, with bigger and more memorable choruses, but is no less technical or flashy. Perhaps the band was tired of seeing people grabbing a beer during the ninth and tenth minutes of individual songs on the previous tour. That pairs well with the exhaustion found throughout: “Take the ache beneath my bones / Peel the skin away and leave my body exposed / No grace awaits this broken soul.” That said, there’s some cautious optimism to the proceedings: “So pray to music, build a shrine / Worship in these desperate times.” “Unto” is the band’s last classic, as well as the last with the classic lineup.

Play it again: “Locust”
Skip it: The final minute or so of “Who We Are”

1. The Blackening (2007)

Witness 61 killer minutes of impressive groove metal played with a shit-eating grin, and Machine Head being justified in doing so. All four members peaked at the same time, resulting in this stunner of an album. It’s stuffed full of technical-yet-catchy riffs, dueling leads, and catchy melodies. (The band recorded covers of “Battery” and “Hallowed Be Thy Name,” which is a handy short-hand for the record’s songs.) Lyrically, this is an aggressively-topical record, with the Iraq War being a major throughline: “’Cause blood is their new currency / And oil pumps the heart of money.” There’s also a fucked up love song, anger over an awful take on Dimebag’s murder, and criticism of religion—normalcy, in other words. “The Blackening” remains the band’s finest hour, as well one of the century’s best metal releases.

Play it again: “Wolves”
Skip it: the final 45ish seconds of “Aesthetics of Hate”