Interpol Announces Plans to Take off Sunglasses

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

NEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.

“For decades we’ve been a band with an impeccable fashion sense, so we figured it was about time to reveal our eyeballs to our fans,” said lead singer Paul Banks while putting on his “around the house” suit vest. “Besides, I haven’t been able to see a goddamn thing on stage since Obama was in office. Don’t worry, we are still going to be wearing our signature suits, so if you were wondering what we look like in t-shirts and shorts, you’re just going to have to wait until we are a little more comfortable being so vulnerable. That being said, we still plan on wearing our shades during summer when it’s sunny. However, the ties stay on at the beach regardless.”

Fans of the band couldn’t be more excited after the announcement.

“Finally, I’ll get to see if they actually have eyebrows. My friends and I have been debating that since we were kids,” said Interpol enthusiast Gina Vamillion. “Whenever I see them live, it’s like I’m watching a bunch of secret service agents play instruments. Sure, it looks cool as hell in the middle of ‘Untitled’ or ‘Obstacle 1’ but at some point I want to see some eyelashes and pupils. For all I know they haven’t had eyes this whole time. I was really starting to wonder about the facial structure of those guys, but this announcement should clear up all my questions.”

Experts weren’t too sure how this would affect the band’s image.

“Once a band nails down their iconic look, it’s very hard for them to successfully change course,” said music historian Ronnie Dengal. “KISS once famously took off their makeup and fans quickly realized they were nothing but talentless hacks. Red Hot Chili Peppers one day stopped wearing socks on their genitals and fans immediately felt slighted because it was the only thing the band had going for it. Not saying Interpol shedding their eyewear is equivalent, but history is not kind to bands that alter their fashion choices. As fans, we don’t want a diverse wardrobe. We want familiarity.”

At press time, Interpol also announced they would start wearing bifocal and progressive lenses, but not for stylistic purposes.

Photo by Raph_PH

Ailing Man Dies Despite Several “You Got This” Reddit Comments

Posted on by Tim Graham

KOKOMO, Ind. — Local man Andrew Stoltz succumbed to an illness even though he received multiple positive reassurances online, according to users of the fantasy football subreddit he frequented.

“We’re all shocked that Andrew’s gone, because he had such a positive attitude,” said Stoltz’ friend Bruce Bolinder. “His optimism was bolstered by all the nice comments he got on Reddit when he revealed he was sick. They told him, ‘You got this!’ and he took that to heart. Unfortunately, the universe or God or whatever had other plans in store for him. Sadly, it turned out those internet strangers weren’t quite right—he didn’t actually ‘have this.’ I’ve taken it upon myself to go back and reply to each of those well-wishers with the sad news.”

Stoltz’ doctor had tried to warn his patient that while receiving online niceties can be comforting, it’s no substitute for traditional medicine.

“Everyone likes to be told that everything’s going to be okay,” said Dr. Emil Dahl. “And the people posting these ultimately worthless comments get to feel like they did something good for a stranger. Ordinarily, such platitudes are innocuous, but it becomes dangerous when people like Mr. Stoltz put too much faith in the power of internet comments. He was so encouraged by his anonymous online supporters that he cavalierly decided to forego my attempts at treatment, feeling it was unnecessary. The last time he left my office, he simply said, ‘Thanks, doc, but I got this’ while giving me double-finger cannons.”

Dr. Sarah Hemphill of Johns Hopkins University recently led a study which tested the effect of comments on illnesses.

“Two experiment groups received positive or negative comments from unknown commenters,” explained Dr. Hemphill. “The group which only got positive comments fared the same or worse as the control group, showing that positive comments from strangers have little importance. Surprisingly, the group that received negative comments had a better prognosis. We attributed this to what we call the ‘Fuck You’ factor, where a person’s immune system will sometimes kick into overdrive when there is an incentive to survive long enough to seek vengeance on your tormentors.”

At press time, many users of /r/fantasyfootball responded to Bolinder’s announcement of Stoltz’ passing with a response of “sorry for your loss” which surprisingly didn’t make him feel any better about the death of his friend.

Help! I Met Rodney Mullen at the Grocery Store, and He Proceeded To Show Me Every Trick He’s Ever Invented Unprompted and He’s Still Going

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Imagine my surprise when what started off as a run-of-the-mill midnight ride to my local Food 4 Less became a demonstration in shredding following a chance encounter with freestyle skateboarding legend Rodney Mullen!

I’ve been a disciple of this man and the embarrassment of riches that is his catalog ever since I was old enough to yoink my brother’s copy of his magnum opus: Rodney Mullen vs. Daewon Song: Round 1 (sorry Round 2 fans). So when he spotted me with my board and my old World Industries hoodie in the ice cream aisle and unpromptedly began showing off every trick he’s ever invented, I thought this was the best day of my life! But is there something up with this guy? Because it’s been like three hours and he’s still going.

I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful or anything. Following him out to the parking lot so he could perform a dozen kickflip underflips to some has-been with almost seven uncracked teeth has been a dream come true. And man can he explain things in a way that even this loser that used to collect concussions can understand, even if it does make me feel all inadequate both physically and uh…with the word stuff… Talkily? But I’ve got things to do, and I can’t for the life of me figure out a graceful way to tell Rodney I’ve seen enough.

And don’t get me wrong—I realize how lucky I am to witness this. Rodney’s impact on the sport of street skating will forever be felt in the hearts of pros worldwide, and in the brittle, pathetic ankles of amateurs like me that just couldn’t seem to land a 50-50 sidewinder back in 2003. But come on Rod, you’ve got, what, thirty tricks to your name? Not saying those are amateur numbers by any means, but it’s 5:28 in the morning and there’s no way it should be taking this long.

Is this the same kind of OCD I had playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 where every trick I attempted needed to be perfect otherwise it didn’t count and no one would love me anymore? Because I promise the stunts you’re pulling are top-of-the-line, and you can stop at literally any point and we can both go home.

I think it’s around 2:00 in the afternoon now, and this man is in his own little world with his own little tech deck toys that he pulled out a few hours ago. I have never once seen anybody make them look cool, but Rodney’s spent the last 45 minutes performing handstands on them somehow and maybe they kick a little more ass than I thought they did. Or maybe I’m just delirious at this point. Doesn’t he have a wife that’s worried about where he is? I’d ask him myself but I don’t think he’s heard my voice since the sun came up.

I bet this wouldn’t have happened if I was smart and wore my Thrasher shirt like every other poser I know.

Pull String on Talking Lars Ulrich Doll Roughly 7 Miles Long

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SAN FRANCISCO — Super7, the popular toy company known for its niche collectables, released a new talking Lars Ulrich doll that comes equipped with a pull string that is just shy of seven miles, confirmed sources who had to take off work in order to listen to the whole thing.

“After you open the package, you just have to spend a few short hours untangling the pull string before you can play with it,” metal fan Paul Andres said. “Sure, we had to have someone three towns over pull the string on the goddamn doll, but that just means you get to hear it say ‘ummm’ probably 4,000 times. It’s been going on for three days now. Three days! However, I thought the doll’s two-hour monologue defending the snare drum sound on ‘St. Anger’ was quite compelling, even though I fell asleep a few times. I’ll be damned if I let Lars ruin my circadian rhythm.”

Super7 representative Chase Fienold couldn’t be more excited for the doll’s release.

“We at Super7 are committed to the authenticity of our products, no matter how many times consumers have called them ‘useless’ in their online reviews,” Fienold explained enthusiastically. “That’s why we were dead set on creating the ultimate collectible. And with that, we created a talking doll that will never, ever shut the fuck up. We actually just asked Lars to record a few brief catchphrases, but let’s just say he’s not a fan of brevity. As of right now, we’re sitting on a warehouse full of 20,000 of these things, but we think it’ll take off once the Metallica-based gag-gift market upticks.”

Ulrich was honored to have the opportunity to lend his voice for the doll.

“Ummmm, yeah we were in the studio every day for about six months straight, and I’m super impressed with how it turned out,” Ulrich said while turning blue from not taking a breath in several minutes. “It was fun to record, just as much fun as being able to use a private jet to fly back home the night of a show no matter where we’re playing. People can pick on my drumming all they want, but I burn as much money in fuel in one night as they make in a year, so suck shit, ‘it should have been Lars’ people.”

At press time, Super7 announced their limited edition “Disgruntled Dave Mustaine” talking doll that is permanently frowning.

Every Kurt Vile Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

Before he was a solo artist, Kurt Vile was a founding member of The War on Drugs. The War on Drugs without Kurt went on to make music for people who take long, contemplative walks in national parks. Meanwhile, Vile went solo and started making music for Allies of Drugs—the people who sit on the couch contemplating whether they should take a walk. Across his career, Vile created a distinct lane of hazy, sprawling guitar-driven music. He writes songs that feel like they stretch time itself. His lyrics float between laid-back wisdom and vague observations, always delivered with an effortless cool that makes even his longest songs seem to fly by. His albums range from lo-fi beginnings to full-fledged indie rock epics, but they all orbit around the same easygoing stoner charm.

Let’s rank them.

8. God is Saying This to You (2009)

If a lo-fi folk artist mumbles into a four-track and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? That’s the philosophical quandary of “God is Saying This to You,” an album that feels less like a complete project and more like a collection of soundcheck warmups. That said, there’s a certain charm to its hazy, half-formed sketches; almost like listening to someone work through ideas in real time.

Play it again: “My Best Friends”
Skip it: “White Riffs,” “Overnite KV”

7. Constant Hitmaker (2008)

The title was ironic, and the album kind of knew it. This is Vile’s earliest proper solo release, a lo-fi collage of psych-folk and scrappy, reverb-drenched experiments. It has moments where his style starts to form (“Slow Talkers”) but mostly feels like an artist figuring things out on tape—which is to say, it’s fun but not essential.

Play it again: “Slow Talkers”
Skip it: “American Folded”

6. B’lieve I’m Goin Down… (2015)

This album cemented the version of Kurt Vile that the general public knows best—the spacey, rambling, folk-rock guru who sounds like he just rolled out of a hammock to record. It’s less hazy and psychedelic than his earlier work, leaning into classic folk and country influences. “Pretty Pimpin” became his biggest song, a wry, hypnotic meditation on looking in the mirror, barely recognizing yourself, and not being bothered by what you see. It’s an anthem for existential crisis and low-grade disassociation, and the idea of Vile considering himself reasonably pimpin’ is an irony that only makes the song better. The rest of the album is solid, if occasionally meandering. Still, at its best, it captures Vile at his most listenable.

Play it again: “Pretty Pimpin,” “I’m an Outlaw”
Skip it: “Stand Inside”

5. (watch my moves) (2022)

Vile has always made music that sounds like a long, aimless road trip. “Watch My Moves” fully embraces that aesthetic. It’s his most patient album, which is a nice way of saying some of these songs could end a couple of minutes earlier. “Mount Airy Hill” is one of his most hypnotic tracks, floating along like a lazy afternoon with nothing to do. Meanwhile, “Fo Sho” captures his usual detached, dry humor, built around a phrase only Vile could stretch into a mantra. If you’re looking for the most Kurt Vile-sounding Kurt Vile album, this might be it, even if it lacks the standout tracks of his more ambitious albums.

Play it again: “Mount Airy Hill,” “Fo Sho”
Skip it: “Hey Like a Child”

Honorable Mention: Lotta Sea Lice (2017) (with Courtney Barnett)

Some people hear Kurt Vile and Courtney Barnett’s voices together and think they’ve unlocked the meaning of life. Others hear them and immediately need a nap. This album is exactly what you’d expect from two of indie rock’s most effortlessly cool musicians: loose, conversational songs that sound like a long afternoon spent trading guitar licks and half-finished thoughts. “Fear is Like a Forest” has a hypnotic, rolling rhythm, and “Outta the Woodwork” perfectly fuses their styles. But there are also moments where it sounds like two musicians who forgot they were making an album and just started hanging out.

Play it again: “Fear is Like a Forest,” “Outta the Woodwork”
Skip it: “On Script”

4. Childish Prodigy (2009)

This is the chaotic outlier in Kurt Vile’s catalog… his fuzziest, most garage-rock sounding album. Songs like “Hunchback” and “Freak Train” feel raw and unhinged, like someone plugged Vile’s guitar directly into a broken amplifier and let it rip. The album is loud, distorted, and confrontational but never loses that signature Vile looseness. While he eventually smoothed out his style, “Childish Prodigy” proves he can get loud and weird when he wants to.

Play it again: “Hunchback,” “Freak Train”
Skip it: “Heart Attack”

3. Bottle It In (2018)

This album takes its time, stretching songs into long, looping meditations. The highlight, “Bassackwards,” unravels in slow motion, like someone trying to explain a profound thought while actively forgetting what they were talking about. Meanwhile, “Loading Zones” turns refusing to pay for parking into an anthem—a quintessential Kurt Vile move. This album might be too long for some, but it’s pure, unhurried magic for those in the right headspace.

Play it again: “Bassackwards,” “Loading Zones,” “One Trick Ponies”
Skip it: “Come Again”

2. Smoke Ring for My Halo (2011)

This is the perfect balance of lo-fi introspection and polished indie rock. Vile’s songwriting snaps into focus here, and every track feels like the soundtrack to a quiet existential crisis. “Baby’s Arms” and “Society Is My Friend” showcase his ability to be both profound and totally indifferent at the same time. It’s the first genuinely great Kurt Vile album and the moment he became more than just a scrappy psych-folk artist.

Play it again: “Baby’s Arms,” “Society Is My Friend,” “Jesus Fever”
Skip it: “Peeping Tomboy”

1. Wakin on a Pretty Daze (2013)

If “Smoke Ring for My Halo” refined Kurt Vile’s songwriting, “Wakin on a Pretty Daze” is where he mastered his artistry. It’s sprawling, hypnotic (yes, we know we have used that word a few times already, but it’s the best word for the job. Get off our back), and immersive, the sound of an artist entirely in his element. The title track alone is a 10-minute slow-burn masterpiece, the kind of song you sink into without realizing how much time has passed. That’s the magic of “Wakin on a Pretty Daze”—it loops you into its headspace, making you forget where one song ends and the next begins. Tracks like “Air Bud” and “Goldtone” shimmer with that signature lazy-but-precise Vile charm, where every note feels both casual and deliberate.

This album isn’t in a rush to get anywhere, and that’s precisely why it works. You don’t just listen to “Wakin on a Pretty Daze”—you live in it for a while.

Play it again: “Wakin on a Pretty Day,” “Air Bud,” “Goldtone”
Skip it: Nothing. Just press play and drift away.

Chappell Roan Wakes up With Pink Pony Head in Bed After Criticizing Record Industry

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

LOS ANGELES — Popstar Chappell Roan woke up to discover the severed and pink-painted head of a pony in her bed yesterday, seemingly a threatening response to her Grammys speech criticizing the record industry, sources confirmed.

“There I was, sleeping soundly, and I woke up like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck is this?!’ At first I thought it was a prop from a music video, then I saw the blood and realized this was a message from record industry scumbags who refuse to treat their artists with any respect,” Roan said of the super graphic scene. “The most frustrating part was how sloppy it was. You can tell whoever did this wasn’t an artist. They are just some buffoon who has failed upwards into a position where they intimidate gorgeous young women into staying silent. If you gave me a hot glue gun and some drugstore makeup, I could have a severed pony head looking fucking fabulous.”

Police apprehended suspect Jeff Rabano, an affiliate of the Grambino crime syndicate, which allegedly does dirty work for the Recording Industry Association of America.

“Listen pal, I was just following orders. They tell me they need something taken care of, then boom, I go hack the head off a small horse, spray paint it in my garage, and drop it in a young lady’s bed. It’s nothing personal, I actually really like Chappell Roan’s music,” the wiseguy said while trying to wash the pink paint from his hands. “We in the organized crime community feel she’s really given our people a voice. ‘My Kink Is Karma’ is our new anthem for vengeance whacks, ‘Hot to Go’ goes great with arson, and we always play ‘Pink Pony Club’ on our way to the races. Although I can’t really look at horses anymore after all this.”

This disturbing incident follows a long history of music industry giants being suspected of quashing dissent through illicit means, according to music historian Heather Li.

“It’s nearly impossible to prove these connections in a court of law, because big corporations are the real Teflon Dons. But the patterns are startling,” Li said. “Just look at Pearl Jam. Right after they criticized Ticketmaster in the ‘90s, dozens of Seattle’s flannel clothing stores were mysteriously bombed. Those bastards, the Big Three record labels, and Spotify are basically the Five Families.”

At press time, Roan posted a TikTok showing the words “DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, BABE!” written in lipstick on her bathroom mirror.

Retail Worker Missing Christmas Music After Hearing Same Lifehouse Song Three Times in One Shift

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TACOMA, Wash. — Local retail employee Brenda Lawson found herself nostalgic for the Christmas music playlist at her workplace after hearing “Hanging By a Moment” by Lifehouse three times in one shift, sources report.

“Yeah, I thought December was bad, but it’s actually been worse since the holiday season ended,” Lawson sighed. “I’m missing the Christmas songs at this point, as even hearing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey and ‘Happy Christmas (War Is Over)’ by John Lennon on repeat is preferable to this. What sadist curates these playlists, anyway? Everybody knows the late 90s/early 2000s were essentially the Dark Ages of popular music. Hell, I’d even take ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ over this, and that’s saying a lot.”

Lawson’s manager Carly Garza admitted to having created the playlist that had her employees so distressed.

“I thought I’d give my team a little treat for doing such a great job over the holiday season,” Garza said. “I know it’s not easy having to balance the increased December workload with the constant demands from panicked customers doing their last-minute shopping, but they really nailed it. I’m not entirely sure what people are listening to these days, but I figured my custom playlist from college with hits from Hoobastank, Daughtry, Train and Lifehouse would boost morale around here. I know I personally completed the payroll in record time because I was so pepped up. I certainly trust the music is having a similar effect out on the floor.”

Psychologist George Tadesse could relate to Lawson’s situation.

“We’re all well aware of how dreadful holiday music can be for retail workers, but we tend to forget how bad the music is during the other 11 months of the year,” Tadesse provided. “I’ve done several case studies on the mental degradation associated with hearing ‘Slide’ by the Goo Goo Dolls on repeat while stocking shelves and directing inept customers to departments that are in plain sight, and don’t even get me started on the damage caused by that Rob Thomas/Santana song. I don’t want to advise the CIA on the best way to torture people, but they could certainly gather ideas for their next playlist simply by touring any department store in February.”

At press time, Lawson was seen demanding Garza put the holiday playlist back on after “Hanging By a Moment” was immediately followed by Tonic’s “If You Could Only See” for the fourth time today.

I’m Lexapro Sober: I’m Not Depressed Anymore But Now A Single Beer Makes Me Nauseous

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Move over, California sober — There’s a new form of pseudo-sobriety in town and I’m leading the charge. It’s called “Lexapro sober” and I definitely didn’t just make it up on the spot to get out of going to the bar with you.

Really, I still want to join you. It’ll be nice to get out of the house now that I’ve found the right therapist and antidepressant prescription to stop turning the weekly trivia night into a trauma-dump session. Just don’t expect me to knock down shots the way I did back then, or at all.

Being Lexapro sober has its benefits. I mean, I’m not drinking to forget anymore. I barely drink at all because a single Corona can and will have me holding onto the walls of our local Chili’s for dear life. Hell, I even got a little tipsy off a sip of wine from the samples table at that fancy new grocery store in town. I had no idea such little alcohol could do that to a person. I’m going to save so much money on the rare occasion that I actually want to drink. It’s almost like a pay-it-forward chain since I can use the difference to buy you a round.

Seriously, next one’s on me. It would warm my heart to see someone enjoy a shot without immediately feeling the room spin beneath their feet. I’m not just saying that because it’s easier to feel joy now that I’m no longer chemically imbalanced. I need to know for sure that this is actually Lexapro’s doing and I haven’t been a secret lightweight for all these years.

I mean, I used to down five White Claws in one sitting and barely get buzzed! My mental health may have been terrible back then but you have to admit my liver was pretty impressive. Not impressive enough to justify stopping the Lexapro and going back to ruining parties, but at least it made sense when a party got ruined because somebody drank their weight in whiskey. Saying you have to go home because you forgot that one beer feels like seven is just embarrassing. It really sucks since Lexapro is supposed to help my social anxiety and make these kinds of gatherings easier for me.

Anyway, I’d love to go to trivia with you and our team again now that enough time has passed for everyone to forget about last time. At least I can brag about being the only one in the building to actually stick to Dry January.

Miss Murder Now Mrs. Murder-Harrison Following Marriage to Local Restaurateur

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local California woman and artistic muse Vanessa Murder, better known as “Miss Murder” from the AFI song of the same name, had changed her name to Mrs. Murder-Harrison, following her recent marriage to Adrian Harrison, proprietor of several restaurants in the area, confirmed sources who regularly post on the Ultimate-Guitar message board.

“I was into that whole ‘emo’ thing back in the day,” Murder-Harrison said. “And it’s beyond flattering to have inspired such a cool rock song, even if I wasn’t able to make the video shoot. But I knew that I was missing something, or rather someone, to share my heart with. That all changed the day I got lunch at Vivante and met the man who is now my husband. With our union, my name is not changed. Rather, our souls are intertwined.”

Calvin Scargill, an AFI fan who still had his original autographed CD copy of “Decemberunderground,” expressed confusion about hearing the news.

“Wait, she’s a real person?” Scargill said. “I mean, I guess it makes sense that someone real inspired that song. But I didn’t think it was someone whose actual name was ‘Miss Murder.’ And that’s actually her family name? Nobody thought maybe to change that for the sake of anonymity? Honestly, the whole mystique was dampened when I looked at her Instagram page and saw she’s marketing what’s basically a Swiffer but with all kinds of holistic bullshit sprinkled in. I thought she’d at least have a couple tattoos.”

AFI lead singer Davey Havok provided a little more backstory on Murder-Harrison.

“It probably doesn’t come as a surprise that I had a bit of a crush on her,” Havok said. “I remember when [AFI drummer] Adam [Carson] introduced me to her at a show in ‘04 and I said, without thinking, ‘Hey, Miss Murder’ and she blushed and rolled her eyes in the most adorable way. I didn’t want to come on too strong, but I figured an anthemic song with a catchy yet cryptic chorus and a screamed breakdown would be the perfect way to let her know how I feel. But then the song got so big and we just didn’t keep in touch. It’s fine. I’m sure she’s happy with this Adrian guy.”

At press time, AFI revealed their song “Girl’s Not Grey” and about 20 more tracks of theirs were also about Murder-Harrison.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Before Trump Signs Executive Order Stating All Music Must Feature Kid Rock

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey buddy. You doin’ okay? Neither are we, but it’s fine, we guess. We won’t bore you with all of the existential ins and outs impacting the nation at the moment. Horrors abound all around, this we know all too well. It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Good news exists in increasingly small doses if you know where to look. For example: currently, at least, there is no mandate to include Kid Rock in every piece of recorded music. Of course, this is subject to change at any moment, so here are six new songs to listen to before they are irreparably harmed with the stroke of a pen.

Deafheaven ‘Magnolia’

Imagine waking up sobbing uncontrollably inside of a burning cathedral as a post-rock tsunami barrels through the stained glass. The song you’re likely hearing in this admittedly strange thought experiment is Deafheaven’s triumphant new single ‘Magnolia.’ It’s their first new music in four years and our staff has been so excited about the band’s return that we’ve had to put foam on all sharp corners, hide most of our silverware, and put the fire department on standby.

Saetia ‘Three Faces Past’

Remember when music used to make you feel things? Saetia does. Their latest single, ‘Three Faces Past’ continues their startling return after a 26 year absence. It’s a nostalgic blast from the emo past, complete with unintelligible screaming over guitars that sound like they were recorded inside a crumbling art school. The lyrics haven’t been released yet, so just yell along randomly and pretend it’s 1997 when things weren’t great, but certainly not as terrible as they are now.

Froglord ‘Herman’

Doom metal? Sludge? Psychedelic amphibian worship? Froglord defies classification and explanation. ‘Herman’ sounds like a wizard hotboxing a swamp while conjuring an ancient, riff-wielding toad to tell us the secrets of the universe. Heavy as hell, but also weirdly funky. If you don’t immediately grow a beard and start wearing a cloak after hearing this, check your pulse.

Tobacco City ‘Bougainvillea’

Tobacco City’s latest ‘Bougainvillea’ plays out like the soundtrack to a movie about a sentient denim jacket (our copyright is pending, so don’t even think about it). It cements the Chicago alt-country duo’s penchant for crafting slow-burners that feel like a sunset was injected into your bloodstream. Play this while staring wistfully into the distance with a toothpick in your mouth and pretending you know how to ride a horse.

Alex Orange Drink feat. Conor Oberst ‘Queen Victoria’

We’re pretty sure Alex Orange Drink teamed up with Conor Oberst on this track to remind us that we’re not depressed enough. ‘Queen Victoria’ is indie-folk-pop at its most concerning, a song that feels like eavesdropping on a conversation between two people who have definitely been kicked out of a Tim Horton’s for crying too loudly. It’s sludgy, catchy, and absolutely something you should put on when staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m.

Cryogeyser feat. Wednesday ‘Mountain’

The dreamy LA trio Cryogeyser have long muddled in the blended waters of shoegaze and indie rock. Their latest single, which features Wednesday, ups the ante quite a bit. ‘Mountain’ sounds like the feeling of finding a letter from your ex in an old winter coat. You know, the one you’re ‘totally over’ but still follow on Instagram for some reason. Not to get off the rails here, but you aren’t fooling anyone, much less yourself. No judgement, though. Just listen to the song.

Now that you’re keenly aware of how little time is left to listen to untainted music, you’re probably wondering where to find more. Fortunately, for you, we’ve created a playlist to collect these and more as the year hurdles on. You can like, follow, and listen below.