Dying Merch Guy Wishes to Be Buried in Transparent Plastic Storage Box

Posted on by Cory Cousins

FREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources close to the band confirm.

“During your final days you start to contemplate things like where you would like to spend eternity,” noted Bashful Dominatrix merch guy, Dudley “Scoops” Abernathy. “I thought about getting buried in the family plot next to my partner who passed, but why not spend my post-mortem in a storage box that only the likes of unpurchased Gildan mediums have tread? If it’s good enough for patches, pins, and stickers, it’s good enough for my rotting corpse.”

One of the members of Bashful Dominatrix was available to comment on the plight of his ill-fated merch guy in between cryotherapy sessions.

“We have nothing but love for old Scoopsy,” mused Bashful Dominatrix vocalist Corvus Flintwinch. “It’s a damn tragedy what has been going on with his health lately. I understand that he wants to store his remains in one of the plastic storage boxes we use for our merch, which I think is lovely and poetic. However, if we need to use the box to make room for extra copies of CDs that will probably never sell and beer koozies, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we dump him in an ashtray or something.”

News of Abernathy’s impending death reached the leadership of the International Brotherhood of Merch Guys organization, who offered valuable information regarding end-of-life options for members in good standing.

“Mr. Abernathy has always been a loyal member of the IBMG, so we would just like him to be well-informed of his options before his passing,” replied IBMG spokesman Vincent Lionetti. “It’s natural that Mr. Abernathy would want his ashes to be placed in a merch container, but for a few extra bucks we can have his remains literally infused into his band’s t-shirt so that he can be worn by some random sweaty dude at shows for all time. I honestly can’t think of a better outcome.”

At press time, Abernathy opted to purchase the concierge package offered through his union, which would still have him in a plastic storage box, but would be placed next to the drummer to be used as an impromptu stand for their laptop.

Nihilist Doctor Recommends More Sleep So Your Meaningless Life Goes By Faster

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a faster return to the endless void we were ripped from at birth, confirmed sources.

“First and foremost, I went to medical school to help people,” said Dr. Michael Oberhoffer. “But one day, amongst the countless thousands I’ve spent wandering our vacuous, Khafka-esque hellscape, I realized the best way I can help those people is by expediting their merciful return to the sweet cradle of oblivion. And sure, I could just give ‘em a wink and prescribe enough pills to kill a rhino, but unfortunately I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Which means I can only speed up the cruel, senseless existence of my beloved patients by recommending a good 12 to 16 hours of sleep per day.”

Dr. Oberhoffer’s methods, while controversial, are undeniably a hit amongst some of his patients.

“My God, it’s already October!” exclaimed Marry Blevins, who has been seeing Oberhoffer for almost a year. “I just can’t believe it. About 10 months ago, I went in to see if I could get a referral for a shrink, or maybe some Vicodin. But the good doctor made me see the truth. Which is that nothing on this Godforsaken rock hurtling through nothingness is worth being present for. I’ve recommended him to all my friends and family. Although I don’t see them much these days, because of all the sleeping.”

The fad is impacting the world of pharmaceuticals as well.

“Our advertising has taken an admittedly darker turn, but we can’t argue with these numbers,” remarked Jason Trailon, marketing executive of a notable pharmaceutical giant. “Simply changing the slogan of our sleeping pills to ‘Go to Sleep, Nothing Matters’ has increased sales 800%. We literally can’t keep those bad boys on the shelves for more than a few hours before a swarm of people buys every bottle. I guess some people really just don’t want to exist anymore. Which is fine by me. They’re asleep, speeding through life. I’m in my Ferrari, speeding through empty streets. It’s a win-win!”

At press time, the Surgeon General thanked Dr. Oberhoffer for his contributions, commenting how the nation’s workforce has never been more well-rested, albeit unmotivated.

How to Pad Your Resume by Simply Stealing an Eagle Scout Patch

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

The job market is absolutely brutal right now. And when you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a “bachelor’s degree” in the traditional sense, it can be tough to land that ever-elusive interview. I’m constantly thinking of new ways to at least give hiring managers a second of pause before they throw my resume in the trash. And I think I’ve got something, even if the lamest people on the planet will probably call it “stolen valor.”

I didn’t last long in Boy Scouts. Something about an attitude problem. Or maybe it was that thing about starting fires in places other than the designated campfire spot. Regardless, when my old, decrepit Scoutmaster wasn’t ranting about how Middle Easterners “hate freedom” or how he simply wouldn’t have gotten trapped by a rock the way Aron Ralston did, I recall him insisting that reaching the rank of Eagle Scout would open up all kinds of doors career-wise. I may not have made Eagle, but much like how any asshole can just buy a blue checkmark on Twitter and act like it makes them important, I’m not going to let a technicality stop me from reaping the benefits of that patch.

I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t the BSA an antiquated, jingoistic organization that borders on paramilitarism while also somehow making all its members look utterly unintimidating?” Well, yes. But you have to remember that a lot of companies are run by dorky boomers who eat that shit up. All you have to do is put “Eagle Scout” on your resume, tell them your local Scoutmaster died and will thus be unavailable for calls (for all you know, you’re not even lying), and get your hands on an official Eagle rank insignia to show anyone who gets a little too inquisitive.

“How exactly does one procure said insignia?” I hear you asking. “Surely, they’re kept under heavy guard in some sort of armored facility.” Nope. They’re available at your local Scout Shop for $2.99. “They’re at least locked in a glass case or hidden behind the counter, right?” Nah, they’re just kind of there. “But don’t you need to provide paperwork proving you’ve earned the patch before you can buy it?” you ask? Well, I don’t know how tight you think security is at the Scout Shop, but let’s just say whether they know it or not, they got a 5-finger discount running 24/7.

Look, we both know that if you’re here reading this, you’ve probably swiped a band patch or two from the merch table in your time. Same basic principle. Get in, get what you need, get out. And for the love of God, don’t look at the security cameras. But if stealth isn’t your thing, you could always just snatch and run. Do you really think the dweeb working the counter is going to chase you?

If you go with option two, you might as well also steal one of the Eagle Scout medals they put on the pocket flap just above the patch – because THAT’S not redundant. And at that point, go ahead and grab a Pinewood Derby Car Kit, too. It won’t help with your job hunt, but it’ll give you something to do while you wait to hear back from recruiters. Fair warning: it’ll still probably be a while.

Teen Punk Teeters Between “Make the World a Better Place” Punk or “Total Piece of Shit” Punk

Posted on by Tim Sheard

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.

“I’m thinking of going to school for political science to enact real change in this world and maybe wrestle some control away from corporate America,” said Schuler while adding items to his Amazon shopping cart. “But then again, it’s gonna be all whiney lefties and dirty hippies. Plus there’s probably no money in that anyways. So I might just couch surf for a while, bumming beer and cigarettes and along the way. There are tons of freeloaders in society. If I set my goals high enough, one day I can be one of them.”

Schuler’s parents realize how precarious the situation is.

“Mathias’s father and I are just worried sick over the whole thing,” said mother Deborah Schuler. “Sometimes he’ll wear shirts from bands like Aus-Rotten or Defiance and we think we raised him right. But other times he’ll go on about how cool John Lydon is and we wonder where we went wrong. Just the other day he made insensitive comments towards the Latino community while wearing a Los Crudos shirt, and when we called him out on it he claimed he was only saying what Darby Crash said in ‘The Downfall of Western Civilization.’ I don’t know what to do.”

The teenager’s school principal weighed in on the matter.

“I actually have a bet going with his teachers about how he’ll end up,” said Principal Ernie Le Mans while smoking in the teacher’s lounge. “Last I checked the pool was over $1,000. Every year we see kids with Dead Kennedys patches and Crass butt flaps, but we know most of them will end up catcalling women from some construction site. But then again, we had a student that was a huge Skrewdriver fan some years ago that ended up as a lawyer for the ACLU, so you never know.”

At press time, the 14-year-old was seen stealing money from a charity donation box so he could give it to a different charity.

Guy Who “Enjoys All Genres of Music” Just Referring to King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Adam Jones fell under scrutiny after his claims of “liking all genres of music” was merely referencing King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard’s discography, those close to him have confirmed.

“I definitely see myself as someone with a robust palette. Whether it’s psych rock, folk, electronic, garage rock, or thrash I love all the genres of guitar music. It just so happens King Gizzard encompasses all of that and more so yeah, I like everything,” said Jones. “There’s 27 albums to choose from, I mean that’s pretty much the most of the musical spectrum. Why delve into the history of prog rock with six different playlists when I can just put on ‘Polygondwanaland’ and call it a day? It’s everyone else who’s stuck in their own audio prisons, not me.”

Jones’ girlfriend didn’t realize his tastes revolved entirely around the band until months into their relationship.

“I was attracted to Adam’s open mindedness and that he wasn’t some gatekeeping snob. It wasn’t until we went to a jazz club a few weeks ago and he asked when they were going to get to singing about huntsman spiders. He then explained ‘Sketches of Brunswick East’ to me for over an hour and I realized he’s not listened to anything outside of King Gizzard,” said Kelly Pollack. “I asked if he’d at least heard of Coltrane, and he thought that was a toothpaste. I seriously can’t take on the mental load of trying to broaden his horizons outside of an Australian rock band.”

Record store owners were quick to point out many music fans like Jones existed, much to their chagrin.

“I’m always catching shit from supposed know-it-alls who get caught up in these genre-hopping bands like KGLW. Most of these groups actually are great but their versatility ends up having its own gravitational pull, per se,” said Kirk Mulholland. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone come in here asking for any ska, hardcore, and jazz fusion records and then get visibly confused and upset when I don’t produce a Mr. Bungle album. And don’t get me started on Ween fans, I had to give them their own section of the shop to make them happy.”

As of press time, Jones told his girlfriend he’d branched out to liking country rock after getting around to buying King Gizzard’s “Flight b741” album.

Whoops! I Heard Daryl Stuermer’s Solo on “Easy Lover” and Now I’m Horny in the Grocery Store

Posted on by Amy Currul

There I was, minding my own business, walking through the frozen food aisle at Stop & Shop, when the sweet sound of an A chord flew its way through the air and right into my pants. “Easy Lover” was playing, and Phil Collins had stopped singing long enough for the real show to begin — Daryl Stuermer’s guitar solo. Cleanup on aisle me!

It’s 8 am,and I’m only here this early because I forgot milk. I should not be gyrating in an empty aisle to ‘80s mom rock! Why is the store playing music this sexy this early? The college kids working here weren’t even born when this song came out. Hell, their parents were probably college kids, getting it on to this song! Oh god, does playing this music make it a Freudian thing?

Oh, and the video? Don’t even get me STARTED on him playing live in Berlin 1990 with Phil and the rest of the gang. That video has so much sex appeal it should be listed on PornHub. The way he thrusts his hips? Don’t let me around the gourd section right now unless you want to sell some discounted produce later.

God, I really need to get laid. What am I doing? Getting turned on at the grocery store? I am a 30-year-old woman! So what if my boyfriend dumped me 9 weeks and 3 days ago? My sexual stimulation should not be coming from the sweet serenading of Stuermer’s strumming layered on top of an announcement that Goya products are on sale.

Men: lemme tell you, they don’t make them like they used to anymore. Phil Collins? He could GET. IT. Those crazy print shirts, unbuttoned down to the bottom of their ribs? The right leather pants? The hair? It’s a good thing I’m in the frozen food aisle, because it’s getting a little toasty in between my legs right now.

Oh this isn’t good. What’s happening to me? Why is this suburban chain grocery store turning into a Magic Mike show? Why would they play music this sexy in the grocery store? Play classic music! Or elevator music! Play NPR for all I care! I can’t be this horny in public anymore! If Stop & Shop doesn’t take this jam out of rotation, I can’t be held responsible for my carnal actions because that solo has got a hold on me, believe it!

Punk Sleep Study Confirms You Aren’t Drunk Enough

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

CHICAGO — A new sleep study released today by DIY Labs confirmed that your current level of inebriation is woefully inadequate for a punk’s night’s sleep.

“We hope these results demystify the science of sleep for punks everywhere,” said Dan Kane, who has been squatting in a storage closet at DIY Labs since 2018 and served as the lead punk in the study. “Our results were unequivocal: you gotta hit the bottle hard before you hit the hay. Punks need to stop worrying about mainstream sleep deprivation solutions like getting exercise or avoiding caffeine late in the day. Fretting over that type of thing has no meaningful impact on your sleep. In short, you need to get down to optimizing the timing of your peak intoxication to ensure you are three sheets to the wind whenever and wherever you hit the sheets.”

Dr. Karl Dowd, Assistant Director of University of Chicago’s Sleep Lab and former lead singer of short-lived Straight Edge act Pure Bliss, questioned the validity of the study.

“I hesitate to even call this a study since it was not peer-reviewed and they used Schlitz to get subjects sloshed,” said Dr. Dowd. “Even if actual sleep scholars could reproduce these results in a lab, the benefits to lay punks outside Milwaukee, or maybe Chicago, are likely negligible. Besides, it’s just not healthy for people to think they need to get tanked up before hunkering down for the night. What you’re supposed to do is go to bed early while completely sober, let the existential anxiety gradually sink in, and finally fall asleep at 4am like a normal person.”

Sleep study participant and former bassist of screamcore cult favorite Sentient Sardines, Jim Friel, disagrees, waiving his anonymity rights to sing the praises of the study.

“This whole experience was a game changer for me,” said Friel. “I’ve discovered that getting wasted is even more fun when you’re getting blitzed in the service of science! And I always thought I got the best rest in rooms with blackout blinds, but partyin’ with the DIY guys helped me understand that I can achieve my deepest sleep anywhere when I’m on the precipice of being blackout drunk.”

At press time, Dr. Dowd ended his Insomnia Support Group’s deep breathing session early to take them to a campus bar with a $3 special on PBR tallboys.

Hulk Hogan Wondering Why Heaven is Engulfed in Flames, Smelling of Sulfur, and Surrounded By the Endless Tortured Screams of the Damned

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

HELL — Legendary professional wrestler, adulterer, and noted racist Hulk Hogan admitted he was confused as to why heaven seemed so much hotter than he imagined, confirmed demonic sources tasked with punishing the American icon for eternity.

“Woo brother let me tell you, it’s smoldering up here. I was expecting lots of fluffy clouds and some climate control when I died, but it’s just lots of molten lava, brimstone, and little demons trying to stick needles under my toenails, brother,” said Hogan seemingly unaware he was in Hell. “I thought I’d be reunited with a lot of the people I shared the ring with, but so far I’ve only seen Ultimate Warrior and he’s already annoying the hell out of me, brother. I asked him if this was really heaven, and he started laughing like a maniac, then ran around me in a circle for what seemed like hours. The biggest surprise is how many loose dogs with red glowing eyes keep biting me. Someone needs to get these things under control, brother.”

Saint Peter, the keeper of the Pearly Gates, explained that Hogan is exactly where he is meant to be.

“Look, religion gets a bad wrap, but we do actually have a code of conduct if you want to get into Heaven. It’s not rocket science, be a good person, do good things. Mr. Hogan has a history of racism, he made a sex tape with his supposed best friend’s wife, and he was an ego maniac that ruined careers,” said the saint. “He’s never getting through these gates as long as I’m in control here. And look, we have strict confidentiality rules, but we see everything you’ve ever done. And this guy was even worse behind the scenes when nobody was watching. But we’ve seen it, we’ve kept score. Enjoy Hell Terry.”

The Devil admitted he was excited to finally get to meet Hogan.

“I know I’ve been around since darkness was invented, but I feel like I grew up watching Hulk wrestle. I loved how he always put himself first and never let anyone share the spotlight, that’s my type of guy,” said Lucifer. “I didn’t love his all-American schtick telling kids to eat right and take vitamins, I wish he had told kids to do drugs and kill their parents. But he more than made up for that by becoming a huge Trump supporter. Helping usher in fascism is a surefire way to get you a prime spot in Hell. Torturing him for eternity is a literal dream come true.”

At press time, a clerical demon was seen putting the finishing touches on a cage with a plaque that says “Reserved For Vince McMahon.”

Hulk Hogan Dead at 71 After Decades-Long Battle With Hulkamania

Posted on by Dan Rice

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Hulk Hogan, famed professional wrestler, actor, and white nationalist, passed away earlier today, succumbing to health problems related to his nearly 40-year battle with Hulkamania.

“The Hulkster is at rest now,” confirmed publicist Andrew Corrone. “It’s no secret that he had been struggling for years. As we all know, Hulkamania is a terrible and degenerative illness. At first, the signs were slight — he would occasionally mistake friends, enemies, and total strangers for his brother, and one time he got confused and fought Rocky, but aside from that, he seemed almost functional. By the end, the condition eroded his hippocampus so severely that he became a cheerleader for President Trump. On behalf of the Hogan estate, we ask America to remember the man, not the freakish far-right ghoul this horrible affliction turned him into.”

Hogan was first diagnosed with Hulkamania in 1984 and became the disease’s most outspoken advocate, using his platform as WWF champion to raise awareness, fight the stigma, and raise money for research. Unfortunately, by the late ‘90s, he exhibited significant decline, committing such high-profile gaffes as showing up to the wrong wrestling organization with a basketball player as his partner.

Paul Bracko, a long-time aide to the Hulkster, painted a grim picture of his final days.

“By the end, pretty much all he could do was eat pulled pork nachos and say the n-word,” said Bracko. “That was how he communicated to me and the rest of the team. One n-word meant ‘yes.’ Two n-words meant ‘more nachos.’ Three n-words meant ‘Why is this pussy-ass generation booing me instead of buying my goddamn beer? I’m tired of this woke nonsense!’ It’s crazy how much you can glean from just the n-word when you really know a guy.”

Hogan drew significant criticism in recent years for his enthusiastic endorsement of Donald Trump during the 2024 election.

“Hulk would say things like ‘I really relate to this guy!’ and we would say ‘Hulk, you have a degenerative mental illness.’ He would say ‘Donald Trump really speaks my language!’ and we would say ‘Your language is a series of n-words only those closest to you can understand!’ He would just fire back, ‘More nachos,’” said family friend Kaylene Winston. “At the end of the day, we didn’t have power of attorney, so we called the ventriloquist, slapped some peanut butter under the Hulkster’s tongue, and let him do his ‘speech’ at the GOP convention. You know, he actually thought that shirt was trying to strangle him?”

When reached for comment, Hogan contemporary Booker T replied, “Yeah… I better not.”

Top DOJ Official Set to Meet With Ghislaine Maxwell Hours Before Her Suicide

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche is set to meet with Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell a few hours before she is found dead by suicide in her heavily guarded cell, sources confirmed.

“Ms. Maxwell was a close friend and associate of Jeffrey Epstein and we believe she is the key to getting to the bottom of what the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender had been up to behind he scenes. I’m looking forward to talking with her about how she has never met President Trump, and how the Obama administration used Epstein’s island as their home base,” said Blanche. “I do have to note that she has seemed despondent leading up to our meeting, it’s a real shame that she will probably decide to take her own life about 90 minutes after it ends when the CCTV monitoring her cell randomly malfunctions and all the guards assigned to her take their mandated 15 minute break at the exact same time. But, thankfully by then I will already have gotten all the answers we need to clear up all of this mess.”

At press time, President Trump is expected to release all the remaining classified files related to the Teapot Dome Scandal.