GLENDALE, Calif. — Self-professed 36-year-old “film connoisseur” Bobby Colina’s bad day was salvaged by an accidental Good Samaritan calling him a hipster, sources report.
“To be honest, I was expecting something else to also go awry today. Either my cat was going to get sick, my long-distance girlfriend would want to break up, or my synth would finally crap out on me,” recalled Colina. “When I walked into the Barnes & Noble to inquire if they had the Criterion Collection Blu-Ray of ‘Ghost World,’ I heard someone behind me say under their breath loud enough for me to hear ‘fuckin’ hipster,’ and let me tell you the smile that came across my face erased any dour mood I was in because it really brought me back right back to 2013. Just me, my then-girlfriend, and a ‘She & Him’ vinyl playing in my apartment while we sat in the dark, plus I was 35 pounds lighter back then.”
Barnes & Noble employee Jessica Quinto witnessed the moment.
“I only remember the encounter because it was so awkward for everyone except the bearded guy. He wouldn’t stop asking me if I had seen some weird movie while I was searching on our computer. I kept saying I hadn’t but he wouldn’t stop describing how amazing it was and that I would totally like it if I saw it,” said Quinto. “The man behind him was getting impatient and blurted out the insult when the hipster said he would come back another day to ask if I saw the movie. You know, it was also kinda creepy how he paused then smiled after a long silence when the man called him that.”
A recent medical journal included a study from a renowned Cerritos College professor that shed light on this phenomenon.
“This is a brand-new discovery in the field of psychology,” stated Dr. Zeg, who specializes in Millennial Psychology. “The medical community has labeled these encounters ‘Nostalgic Millennial Negging’ wherein a millennial person acts in a way seeking to be insulted by another person so they may feel smug and superior to them. Many of the case studies show that people who were between the ages of 20-25 during the 2000’s might unknowingly be suffering from this affliction. We do recommend that if they have a strong urge to be insulted for their hobbies, preferences, or looks they should think about reaching out to a mental health care provider.”
As of press time, Colina has not found a new copy of ‘Ghost World.’
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.
