The abacus. The dodo bird. The shopping mall. It’s natural for aspects of everyday life to become extinct. Luckily, your father refuses to shop online, citing Biden and “his 5G agenda,” of course. This means you end up visiting the local cavernous empty mall with him approximately once a year to wander around and observe the moribund shops still somehow open. On a recent trip, you couldn’t help but notice that Spencer’s Gifts is still in business. While your dad took a lap to inspect empty storefronts for signs of hoarding, you have plenty of time to sneak in and select a primo Father’s Day gift for the man whose semen morphed into the shitheel known as you.
Lava Lamp
There is a certain generation that grew up with a lava lamp in their room from Spencer’s Gifts. Bring your dad back to the late ‘70s with this groovy addition to his nightside bed stand, riddled with WWII books and tchotchkes from his travels. Let the psychedelic glow distract him from pressing personal issues like “Why do men carry tote bags? What’s wrong with this generation?” Allow the flowing colors to distract him before he asks “You got this at Spencer’s Gifts? I thought that place closed ages ago.”
Ceramic Pot with Boobs
Allow your father to cultivate his passion for gardening alongside his ultra-1980s obsession with the tanned female figure. Your father watched ‘Porky’s’ and ‘Weird Science’ along with all those other ‘80s teen sex comedies, and has never really matured since. This gift will undoubtedly elicit a laugh. He might even cop a feel. “Nice,” your dad says. “Oh yeah.” Once you tell him this is from Spencer’s Gifts, he’ll find new reasons to stop by. Perhaps too frequently.
Oversized ‘Rick and Morty’ T-Shirts
Remember when Pickle Rick was all the rage across America? Spencer’s Gifts remembers! They have that one hilarious Pickle Rick shirt, plus tons of large-font, broad design ‘Rick and Morty’ t-shirts for your father to rock on the golf course. Cufflinks, kinky underwear, polo shirts, jorts – it never ends. Of course he has no idea what this show is, but once you explain that it’s a ‘Back to the Future’ riff, he’ll be more amenable. “I like that Rich and Marty,” he’ll say.
Ass of the Day Calendar
It doesn’t come classier than this: a calendar of 365 rear-ends, stacked in a lovingly-designed deskside mini calendar. Your dad jokes, “Guess I’ll never miss a court date again!” while flipping through photos of cheeks with severe tan lines. “Is this from the same Spencer’s Gifts that you used to visit in middle school?” You solemnly nod, realizing that their humor has now skewed and inclined towards this infantile 64-year-old man.
Penis Martini Stirrers
Now normally these would be for a bachelorette party, but your dad has a long-running poker night with his college pals Mitch Kenney and Mike Rigby. And he can’t wait to see the look on their faces when he serves drinks with these flesh-colored stirrers, the tip poking up from the drink like as if the ice itself is excited. Your dad marvels at the pack, asking “You get it? It’s a stirrer, with a dick! It’s a dick where it’s not supposed to be! Who would ever think of this?”
Black Light Pink Floyd Poster
Your dad is suspicious of rainbows. Nothing homophobic, he just feels self-conscious. But like any quirk of imagination for men of a certain age, if it’s co-signed by an English classic rock band, then there is literally no problem whatsoever. In this case, the ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ poster will don his garage “man cave.” The black light will not only make this poster pop with vibrancy, but reveal just how dirty your dad’s garage really is.
Fake Dog Poop
Comedy. Gold. Your dad loves the prank section of Spencer’s Gifts. He will pick up random items, like the fly stuck in an ice cube, or the Groucho glasses, and just chuckle away. “They really get wild here,” he’ll say, but wait until you show him the fake dog poop. You place it around the house and watch him react, a loud happy howl each time he discovers the hollow brown plastic. A much more positive reaction than when you glued a quarter to the floor.
Snoopy Cock Ring
You have no idea how or why the Charles Schultz estate signed off on this new line of erotic Snoopy merch, but you will certainly be able to find it at Spencer’s. Your dad will get the idea as soon as this begins intensely vibrating. Best part: this comes with a remote control. Your mom can activate the Snoopy Cock Ring with a handheld device in the shape of a red doghouse. Charlie Brown would blush. Good grief!
Inflatable Woman
Let the jokes fly. “Hey, I wonder if I should take her out for a date!” your dad will cry, hugging and squeezing the inflatable blonde plastic doll. Her smooth, featureless torso also acts as a flotation device in case of emergency. “So you got this at Spencer’s. Spencer Gifts? The one in the mall? I had no idea that place hung around for so long!” your dad will say in between deep passionate kisses with his balloon beau.
‘The Office’-Branded Bong
Nothing says 420 like a workplace comedy that ended in 2013. All of your favorite characters are etched into the bong: Dwight, Michael Scott, “that one guy” which is your dad’s fond nickname for Jim. Unfortunately, your dad stopped smoking weed because “that shit nowadays is way too strong,” but he uses ‘The Office’ bong as a vase for the garden. You’re just happy that he’s exploring his creative side.
Elvis Coasters Paired With ‘Invader Zim’ Shot Glasses
Sure, why the hell not? The swinging hips of Elvis with the twitchy ‘tude of Invader Zim. “Do shot glasses normally come with coasters?” your dad will ask. When you explain that it’s a special combo exclusively available from Spencer’s, he’ll immediately understand. Party decor with miscellaneous branding is your dad’s entire aesthetic. He regularly wears Tommy Bahama leisure suits in a Jim Morrison t-shirt. Nothing is sacred in this house.
Naked Man on a Grilling Apron
Très risqué! Your dad will be the life of the barbecue with this life-sized naked adult cartoon man etched onto a long, white apron. While your dad debates over the benefits of charcoal versus gas, he can at least disarm the argument by making everyone at the party laugh. “It’s a real conversation piece,” he proudly says. It’s one of his favorite gifts. Sometimes he just wears it around the house.
Chutes and Ladders Board Game (Dick Edition)
Here’s the twist: it’s all dicks. Everything in this game is a penis. It’s Spencer’s, what were you expecting? The ladders are cocks, so are the chutes. It’s actually confusing, the board is difficult to follow. Your dad can bust this game out at parties and look around for any reaction whatsoever to his wild sense of humor. Maybe nudge him toward a simpler game, which unfortunately means he’ll take out the Butthole Checkers Set (of course, also from Spencer’s).
Goth Makeup Starter Kit
Your dad has expressed a passing interest in The Cure, which is why you’re setting him up with an official Spencer’s Got Makeup Start Kit™ to satisfy the darkest depths of his soul. While your dad only mocked you for your goth phase, he’ll wholeheartedly embrace this new identity. You might even catch him singing “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” while vacuuming the car floor mats or watering the cement.
Handpicked Edgy Greeting Cards
Included in this selection are some of the most crude and problematic jokes you’ve ever seen, taking into account absolutely zero sensitivity toward any identity, occasion or decorum. Your dad will absolutely love these. “See, these cards say what you just can’t say anymore! When did we get so woke?” your dad will ask at Spencer’s while laughing at a somber Sympathy Card featuring topless nuns.
iPhone Case with Boobs
If there’s one thing Spencer’s is good at, it’s putting anatomical parts on everyday household items. In this case, the firm and supple grip end of the iPhone case is instead a replica of breasts. However, your dad has feedback. “Isn’t this just gonna feel weird in my pocket?” your dad complains. You thought this would be a slam dunk, but he seems more drawn to the WiFi Router with a Vagina (‘Spongebob Squarepants’-branded, naturally).
Incense Sticks
Nothing special here, just good old-fashioned incense. Your dad’s hippie roots take hold whenever he lights incense in the house. Plus, you’re always running out. It seems like he’s trying to hide certain smells. He’s smoking weed non-stop, the garage is filling up with smoke. When you ask him to open a window, he just lights more incense. Good thing the incense you picked up is from the line of Spencer’s Official Branded Scents™: Rockin’ Cinnamon, Cosmic Cardamom and Playboy Bunny Sage.
Horror Icons Hoodie
Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Ghostface, the dang Babadook – the whole gang’s here, on this fast-fashion, hastily-stitched hooded sweatshirt. Your dad loved horror films as a kid, though now he’s in his documentary phase. “Do they have a Ken Burns sweatshirt? I’d buy two of those,” your dad enthusiastically says. Note this idea for Father’s Day next year, or see if Ken Burns will make your father a Cameo.
Cubic Zirconia Bart Simpson Belly Button Ring
Don’t have a cow, man! That’s right, America’s favorite bad boy, chiseled into a diamond-like mineral, made to dangle from your dad’s stomach. “I don’t have much use for this,” your dad will utter, before discovering a more sensual side by discreetly seeking a naval piercing at the far end of the mall. Lucky 8 Tattoo and Piercing is still around, right next to the food court. That awkward lump on your dad’s gut under his polo shirts? Only you know about his special ‘The Simpsons’-branded belly button ring, as any good son should.
Darth Vader Mask with a Ballsack
Come on, Spencer’s. What is going on here? Why would anyone wear this? Even your dad is confused. “I don’t remember this from ‘Star Wars,” he’ll say, before blurting out that he half remembers “Princess Leana.” Surprisingly, this is their best selling item. It speaks to multiple consumer quadrants: fulfills classic costume needs, is an item coveted by ‘Star Wars’ nuts, while also inviting the coveted Spencer’s demographic of 14-year-old boys.
Totoro Plush Toy With a Dump Truck Ass
Your dad may have little interest in this item, but Father’s Day has always been about strange crappy gifts and meaningless gestures. “What movie is this from?” your father will ask, casually tapping at the weighted, hefty cheeks hanging from mischievous Totoro. When you explain the film, he’ll make the perfect dad joke: “Well, that ain’t my neighbor!” followed by a firm slap to Totoro’s rippling ass.
Slim Jim Lubricant
People are willing to shell out for beef jerky lubricant, charged for whatever the market will bear. This is a competitive space: Jack Link’s Lube is recalled for causing rashes, while Spencer’s simply no longer carries Oberto-branded lube. Perhaps deliver this to your dad discreetly since you’re willing to discuss popular meat snacks with him, but perhaps not how he plans on putting this specific Father’s Day gift to the test.
‘Adventure Time’ Lingerie
This is more a gift for your dad to present to your mom. Although she’s never heard of the show ‘Adventure Time,’ she’ll be distracted by all of the characters sewn into the threaded patterns of the brassiere and panties. Try not to think of your parents in coitus, or your dad ogling your mom with a Jake the Dog pattern imprinted onto her soft skin. If your dad needs to return this item for any reason, explain that they can exchange this for other “hilarious underwear” with sarcastic phrases or emojis.
Boobs Pillow
Your dad will fall into a deep REM sleep with this pillow, crafted in the shape of anatomically correct breasts. In fact, you begin to worry about your dad. He’s not leaving the bedroom, just sleeping all day. You have the dinner set, with cold beer in the fridge, ‘The Equalizer’ ready to play, everything prepared for Father’s Day. Instead he’s holed up in his bedroom with all his new Spencer’s Gifts swag, shoving his face into his boobs pillow with a mouthful of bong smoke and blasting Sublime, ready to defy “the man” another day.
It’s not your fault that Stephen O’Malley and Greg Anderson are so obsessed with a guitar amplifier brand that they just HAD to name their band after it, logo and all. But it definitely is your fault for not looking up an interview with them on YouTube first to hear how Sunn O))) is said. So why not escape to a town with more problems than solutions just south of beautiful Baltimore? On any given day, your massive stupidity will be the least attention-grabbing sight in town.
Consider this a recommendation for any town on the Bourbon Trail, but Ludlow is a particular favorite. Most people in these places are out-of-towner bachelor parties getting blackout drunk and blasting Dave Matthews Band on TouchTunes jukeboxes. Nary a doom/drone fan round these parts.
The quirky town of Wall in South Dakota is much more concerned with their oddball tourist trap pharmacy Wall Drug than they are with your complete lack of cultural IQ. And in the unlikely event you start to get some heat from the locals, you can go camp in Badlands National Park to escape. Just don’t get bit by any rattlers.
You still want to enjoy drone metal, but you can’t engage in the metal community anymore. Where to go? The beautiful coal mines of West Virginia! There are few life choices more metal than condemning yourself to the mines of Appalachia. I can’t imagine a disease more kvlt-sounding than black lung.
If you hew close to the strip, you’ll be surrounded by tourists and transients. Safety! If you venture into real Las Vegas, you’ll find the only people on Earth with darker tales than yours. Pronouncing Sunn O))) incorrectly pales in comparison to the average ex-military junta escapee in a Freemont St dive bar.
Everyone here is so high on mushrooms that they will never be able to devote all of their attention to bullying you. And once you settle in and go from microdosing to macrodosing, perhaps the divine psilocybin gods will inform you of the One True Pronunciation of Seattle’s finest drone metal act that no mortal has yet known.
Beautiful, rustic Greene County in Pennsylvania’s southwestern corner has only received new music up to the year 1992, so no one there is aware of Sunn O))) yet. Hell, you could go and start placing bets with people that a band called “Sunn O)))” will become one of the progenitors of a burgeoning style of metal and make yourself a cool $20. Keep reading The Hard Times for more financial advice.
Stone Mountain is the home of Kenneth Parcell, subject of long-running documentary “30 Rock.” Based on his accounts of Stone Mountain, anything beyond the most fundamentalist Christianity is banned; you will never run into another fan of Southern Lord Records around here. It’s probably illegal to even say that record label’s name out loud.
Austin’s population in the year 2024 is almost entirely full of posers, so “Sunn Ohhhhhh” is actually one of the many correct ways to say the doom/drone act’s name there. Enjoy your Tesla factory dorks.
If you watch any film noir from the 1950s, the antihero protagonist is usually trying to escape the law by going to Mexico to start a new life because no one knows them there. 2024’s version of this is moving to Ohio. You have no friends in Ohio and none of your old friends will visit you here. You deserve Ohio and Ohio deserves you.
