Has your once hot and heavy sex life lost its flavor? Like you’ve gone from an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet to a bowl of plain lettuce? Sure, you knock boots with your partner from time-to-time (if it’s a Saturday and she isn’t feeling bloated), but it’s routine, it’s boring. No need to fear, there is a surefire way to spice things up!
Enter kitchen daddy Gordon Ramsay. He’s a multi-Michelin-starred, internationally-renowned ornery chef, and when he comes into your bedroom and screams at you to cum faster, you’ll say “How high, sir?” Here’s how to make it happen!
Step 1: Slide into Gordon Ramsay’s DMs
You know what you want (Gordon to yell at you to cum during coitus). It’s time to start a relationship with the cantankerous cook. Begin by complimenting an Instagram recipe, and don’t be afraid to be a little sexual about it. Tell him his kebabs look juicy and fulfilling. This will plant the seed for what’s to come.
Step 2: Become Chums With Gordon
Gordon Ramsay is a busy man. He cooks, manages several restaurants, and he’s a television star to boot. Establish a connection by making an appearance at one of his restaurants. When you ask to compliment the chef, make sure to meet Gordon in person. You are one step closer to inviting him into your bedroom so he can do his signature scream.
Step 3: Invite Gordon Over for a Dinner Party and Subtly Incorporate Your Cumming Problem Into the Conversation
Once you establish a relationship with Gordon, impress him with your culinary skills. If something on the menu is a little off, this is a good thing. Gordon will for sure yell at you a little bit about it. Casually mention that sometimes it takes a while for you to get cross-eyed in the sac. Once this is in his head, it sets the stage for the next round: Gordon hollering at you so you and your partner can get your rocks off together.
Step 4: Ask Gordon Over to Scream at You to Cum Faster
You are now ready for the final step in this fucked-up friendship. Invite Gordon Ramsay back to your home so he may wail at you during sex. First cook him a five-course meal to warm him up a bit. After dinner, just start going at it. Gordon Ramsay is now your third, but for shouting purposes. He will call out things like, “You think you’re a cummer? Huh? Show me!” In a moment of raw vulnerability, he may retract a bit. “Listen mate, I’ve been there. I’ve been through this shit, yeah? But you gotta keep it together! We’re here to cum!” You’ll be nutting in no time.
Step 5: Thank Gordon for Saving Your Relationship
Gordon Ramsay has single-handedly saved your sex life by shouting you through it. You should thank him, probably with another five-course meal. A little post-coital sniveling will show reverence as well. Remember, Gordon likes that and it will only help the cause in the long run. Keep him on retainer as a spicy third to come in and howl whenever you’re doing sex bad. Thank you, Gordon Ramsay!
Dark ambient is inherently stoner-friendly music, and Boomhauer is not only a Texas Ranger, he’s a lot less chill than you would think. As far as he’s concerned, having a dark ambient YouTube channel is probable cause for a search warrant. Governor Abbott publicly supports him on this stance.
Believe it or not, Hank actually does have a YouTube channel, boasting 50-something subscribers, and he does play music on it. However, Hank is firmly on record saying that good music consists of “two-minute stories about falling in love or burning down Georgia,” which is about as far from dark ambient as you can get. Since most of his love songs are about propane, not Peggy, he does his best to keep the channel on the down low.
Despite his stint with the Propaniacs, Joe Jack just isn’t all that interested in performing, and any time his Spotify algorithm tries to play something chill and ambient, he just says “This music is makin’ me feel kinda sad, honey.”
Chane definitely has a YouTube channel, but it’s mostly pick-up artist tips that would make Andrew Tate cringe. He’ll pivot to music at some point, but if you think it’s going to be anything other than over-produced bro-country, you’re deluding yourself. And we do mean over-produced. His dad is the richest guy in Arlen, and will spare no expense for Chane to turn himself into a Laotian version of Jason Aldean.
Arlen’s least scrupulous businessman (and man, that is some stiff competition) might consider dabbling in SUPER-dark ambient synth if only to help his own father give up on life so he can finally get his hands on Pratley Cadillac. The old man just keeps holding on, and Pratley Ford/Hyundai ain’t cutting it these days. But Lane’s more of a Travis Tritt guy, and the idea of buying a synthesizer makes him question his masculinity, so no.
John Redcorn has three interests: Native land rights, middle-aged married women with fake migraines, and late-’80s butt rock. He sometimes tells his massage clients that the chill Native-instrument-inflected music he plays during sessions is actually his own work, but it’s not, and no one believes him anyway.
He gave it a shot, but producing dark ambient requires the patience to hear the same droning sound for hours on end, and every time he made a mistake he’d shout “Stupid keyboard, you’re not the boss, I’m the boss!” into a hot mic. He doesn’t understand multitracking software well enough to know he could just mute that part, so he gave up and tried to sell his keyboard for scrap.
Is it the Andrews Sisters? No? Then go fuck yourself.
Again, making dark ambient takes patience, and while Debbie has that going for her—she was willing to lie in wait for Buck and Liz Strickland in a dumpster, of all things—she also managed to accidentally shoot herself with her own weapon because she wouldn’t put down her gas station nachos for a second while climbing into said dumpster, character traits that suggest more of an inclination toward Pantera fandom.
The man has more depth than you might imagine. It’s not all eating, humping, DUIs, and making Hank run the propane shop. When he’s at his lowest, he’s been known to break out his vintage Moog and make some of the most haunting sounds you’ve ever heard, but he’s also been banned from YouTube for reasons that are too gross to get into, so he’s really got no way of getting his music heard. A poker buddy suggested he try Bandcamp and he just rolled his eyes and re-raised on the flop.
He has a keyboard, and his patent lawyer father can certainly afford to get him an effects processor or two, but he learned the hard way that playing “Hot Cross Buns” and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with a moderate amount of reverb is not going to win over dark ambient fans. And once he learned about the whole stoner-adjacent thing, he almost had a panic attack.
After a long day of apathetic bullying and occasionally getting spanked by Peggy Hill, Dooley has been known to dabble in dark ambient home recordings, but whenever potential subscribers check out his comment history, they run for the hills. He really needs to create a second account for his music, but that’s way too much effort.
Joseph suspects that playing any kind of music at all might get him closer to touching a boob, and he has access to Dale’s keyboard rig, but there’s something about droning chords with shit-tons of delay that makes him so horny he’s never been able to get more than 90 seconds into a recording without running upstairs to grab the binoculars and try to get a glimpse of Luanne.
She has hours worth of material archived that she made to score her, ahem, sessions with John Redcorn, but a clause in her contract as the local weather lady forbids her from having any other media presence, even a homemade YouTube channel that doesn’t even feature her likeness. At least once a day, she considers saying “to hell with it” and breaking her contract, but someone’s got to pay the bills, and it’s sure not gonna be Dale.
When he and Yolanda went through a rough patch, Enrique found solace in reverb-drenched soundscapes, and even started building a YouTube channel called Enrique’s Ethereal Emotions, but as soon as Yolanda took him back, he abandoned it entirely. The single track that he uploaded currently has 11 views and 2 likes.
