Jimmy Fallon Joins ICE to Help Round Up Other Talk Show Hosts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — “The Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon shocked the comedy world after revealing he has voluntarily joined ICE to assist with rounding up other American talk show hosts who have spoken ill of the Trump administration, NBC executives confirmed.

“I got this great new segment where I join ICE, and hunt down my talk show host colleagues like the unpatriotic dogs they are. Unlike them, I’m unemployable outside of ‘The Tonight Show’ so if I have to escort Stephen Colbert to a black site in El Salvador to not get cancelled, I’m down,” said Fallon. “I never wanted to pick a side in this political battle, unlike my writing staff I had disappeared for mocking the President. But once I track down Jimmy Kimmel and turn him over to the state once and for all, I’ll secure myself a primetime spot when all the networks are consolidated into ‘TrumpTV’ in a few years.”

Fellow late night host and former SNL co-star Seth Meyers was mortified that he’d betray them.

“That giggling, backstabbing son of a bitch. He just busted into 30 Rock with an army of agents and started hunting us down one by one. One of the pages said she saw Kelly Clarkson being dragged away in a giant beer pong cup prop, like it was all some kind of sick joke. Thankfully I managed to hide in the one place he’s too afraid to enter, Lorne Michaels’ office,” said Meyers. “If I can hold out another 15 minutes, it should give Craig Ferguson enough time to arrive with the chopper and get us to Canada. Fucking hell, if Jimmy wanted to sell out that badly why didn’t he just go on Bill Maher?”

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem commended Fallon for his efforts.

“After trying to silence Kimmel backfired, we caught a break when Jimmy came to us and offered to use his connections to locate and eliminate other hosts we’ve labeled enemies of the state in exchange for permanent relevancy. This is exactly the kind of leverage we needed, especially after Conan O’Brien single-handedly took out 40 ICE agents last week,” said Noem. “Once we can get Jay Leno and James Corden fitted for uniforms, our team of grating, milquetoast centrist hacks is going to really bust some heads.”

As of press time, Fallon put on an exclusive performance for the detained contemporaries by slow jamming the news they were being sent to Alligator Alcatraz.

Fox News Viewer Unaware He’s Actually Watching ‘Escape From New York’

Posted on by Jamie Godin

PLANO, Texas — Local veteran and longtime Fox News viewer Ronald Merchant spent most of Tuesday afternoon convinced he was watching live coverage of Manhattan, despite the fact that the “broadcast” was actually the 1981 John Carpenter film “Escape From New York,” which his grandson had apparently left playing on Syfy after crashing stoned on the couch the night before while visiting from college.

“This Snake fella reminds me of a buddy I had in ’Nam,” Merchant said, gesturing at the television. “Mean so-of-a-bitch. I watched him kill women and children. He had a cool eye patch too. Anyway, he’s doing real good work cleaning up all the lunatic drug addicts and punk trash in Democrat-run New York. I went there once in the ’70s, and this looks about right. This is what they get for electing a socialist mayor. If this Plissken runs for office, he has my vote. I don’t care if he went to prison, he’s a veteran damn it. My ‘Nam buddy went to prison too. Tax fraud.”

Merchant’s grandson said he immediately recognized something was off when his grandfather began yelling at the TV about “why the anchors were not saying anything about the Duke and all his thugs running wild in Manhattan.”

“It’s so fucking funny. He hasn’t changed the channel from Fox News in 10 years. I think the last time he switched stations it was to watch a rerun of ‘Gunsmoke,’ but he turned it back because ‘the commercials were too homosexual.’ I tried telling him it’s a movie, but he didn’t believe me,” Travis Merchant said. “He just said this was ‘Obama’s America.’ I think he forgot who the president is now. I think I’m putting on ‘Predator 2’ next to give him a taste of LA. Thanks to Tucker Carlson, he already believes in aliens anyway.”

Experts say the 68-year-old Merchant’s confusion is not especially unusual in today’s political climate.

“We see this a lot,” said Dr. Marla Kingsley, a media studies professor at the University of Texas. “For many older viewers, the line between dystopian fiction and Fox News blurred sometime around 2009. The shock of seeing a Black president caused mass derealization amongst boomers. Honestly, Ronald’s approach to this reality break might be the healthiest outcome. At least when he’s preoccupied watching a pretty solid film, he’s not posting patriotic AI slop on Facebook. And there are fewer commercials selling gold, which is a plus.”

At press time, the grandson, in an effort to push the limits of what his grandfather would believe, went too far when Merchant lost interest in “RoboCop” after he “killed that hard-working businessman” and “didn’t back the blue enough.”

Roid Rage? The Guy I Ran Over in the Gym Parking Lot Keeps Screaming

Posted on by Bill Conway

Physical fitness has always been one of my top priorities. I make sure I do at least 10 push-ups and sit-ups a month, and I go to my local 24 Hour Fitness once every five years. So nothing drives me crazier than when I see people taking shortcuts on their fitness journey by poisoning themselves with steroids.

Steroid side effects are real, and they are scary. Fluid retention, acne, and, of course, the increased irritability we know as roid rage. I had a front row seat to a bit of roid rage just last week in my gym’s parking lot. Picture this, if you will — it’s 6:50 p.m. and I’m starving after walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes. My favorite pizza place closes at 7, so I need to hustle. I hop in my car and queue up an episode of “Seinfeld” on my phone, because I drive better when I have something to watch. As I’m driving past the gym’s front door at a reasonable 30 miles per hour, which is more than half the speed limit of a nearby highway, I might add, some psycho comes strutting out the door drinking a protein shake, and before I knew it, my car had mowed them down.

I know you are probably concerned that their big muscles dented my car, but thankfully, there was no damage to my Saturn. Parts are hard to come by these days. I rolled down my window and asked them to please crawl out so I could make it to Spiro’s Pizza and Pasta before they closed, and this roided-up lunatic had the nerve to scream, “You broke my fucking leg, you asshole!” I really don’t approve of that sort of foul language and decided to remove myself from the situation by driving away, but this Jose Canseco wannabe just screamed even louder and seemingly refused to let go of the bottom of my car. Thanks god this parking lot is loaded with speed bumps because I was able to hit one with enough speed that it dislodged the juicehead. 

I could still hear him screaming, “Stop that car! Stop that car!” as I drove away. But I wasn’t about to be deterred from my mission of getting a large pepperoni pie with an order of garlic knots just because some guy with artificially big biceps tells me I need to pull over. The local police did end up arresting me for something they call “Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter,” which is a ridiculous charge. But as far as I can tell, they refused to arrest the man I ran over despite his obvious abuse of steroids; it’s probably because all these pigs are using roids as well. I guess that’s the society we live in. 

Baby Saves Marriage, Kills Band

Posted on by Tim Graham

FAIRHAVEN, Mass. — A new baby daughter helped local couple Ben and Hannah Brenner reconnect, though her arrival signaled the end of the father’s band, according to the relieved mothers-in-law.

“I know that having a baby to save a marriage isn’t always the greatest idea,” said Mr. Brenner while changing a diaper on top of a disused Marshall 4×12 cabinet. “However, in this case it seems to have worked. Hannah and I are growing closer than ever as we navigate the challenges of parenthood together. Of course, having a baby means I no longer had time for my band, The Razor Snakes. No more touring in a van with the guys or partying backstage. I kind of had to leave the punk lifestyle behind. That being said, parenthood is pretty punk rock if you ask me.”

The other members of The Razor Snakes were disappointed that the band had to end.

“Ben promised us he’d still make time for the band and that nothing would change,” said drummer Phil Pappas. “But somewhere around the third trimester it was clear he couldn’t be a dad and a degenerate punk guitarist. I mean, good for him for being a responsible husband and father, but also, that’s lame as hell. The thing is, we used to practice in his garage—now there’s a Diaper Genie where my kick drum used to be. We’re currently auditioning new guitarists who have a garage or basement and have also had a vasectomy.”

Veteran rock musician Brent Dix says he’s seen this scenario play out many times over his career.

“There is no greater threat to a rock band than a baby,” said Dix. “Your bandmate will claim that they won’t change, but it’s inevitable. They stop coming to practice, they bail out on shows. Then they disappear altogether. You see them a few months later and it’s like they’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome, saying things like, ‘Some of They Might Be Giants’ kids songs actually kind of slap.’ The music gear begins collecting dust. This Ben guy probably won’t pick up a guitar again until his kid is off to college.”

At press time, Mr. Brenner listed his beloved ‘78 Stratocaster on reverb.com to help with daycare costs.

ICE Accidentally Sends Maduro Back to Venezuela

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In a stunning instance of miscommunication between departments, ICE agents have deported Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro back to Venezuela just hours after he was abducted by the DEA.

“ICE is simply doing its job and keeping America safe from world leaders,” said a defensive Kristi Noem. “I don’t know how the liberal media is trying to spin this, but Maduro is a bad hombre. He is a dangerous man, has known ties to drug cartels, and has absolutely no legal right to be captured in the United States. Adios, buster!”

The move has been met with strong criticism from the rest of Trump’s cabinet, most vocally from RFK Jr., who reportedly had high hopes that Maduro could “Hook it up with some Molly.”

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Guy in Motörhead Shirt Sick of People Asking Him To Change Their Carburetors

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAKE FOREST, Ill. — Metalhead Darryl Washburn found himself getting exhausted by the constant requests from his friends and family to change their carburetors after he stepped out of the house in a Motörhead shirt, sources report.

“Why is it that this happens every time I step out of the house in my ‘Overkill’ shirt?” Washburn lamented. “I just like the music, man. Just because I’m a Motörhead fan doesn’t mean I know how to replace fuel injectors. I don’t know shit about cars, but everybody assumes the opposite when they see that I like Motörhead. I drive a Honda Fit, and I don’t even know how to change a tire. For Christ’s sake, I barely even know how to pump my own gas. Everyone just needs to back off and stop judging me because of my shirt. I just want to listen to ‘Tear Ya Down’ and be left in peace.”

Washburn’s cousin Jillian Burkett was irritated at his choice of clothing.

“What the fuck is Darryl doing wearing that shirt if he can’t even rotate my tires or figure out why my check engine light has been on for months?” Burkett complained. “Everybody knows that people who wear Motörhead shirts are either mechanics or gearheads who can fix any car issue. I would argue that he isn’t actually a Motörhead fan if he can’t even replace my carburetor. This fucking sucks. I had just assumed that I was going to get this done for free because I had a family connection. Now I have to make an appointment with a mechanic who’s likely going to overcharge me. Thanks a lot, Darryl.”

Sociologist Darnell Jeter has seen situations like this before.

“People tend to assume others’ professions or hobbies based on their band shirts,” Jeter explained. “I recently conducted a case study in which a crowd assumed a man in a Carcass shirt would be able to perform an emergency appendectomy on someone. Not to mention the endless invitations to go skateboarding that people receive when they wear Goldfinger shirts. It’s easy for us to jump to conclusions when we see other people wearing band merch, but it’s probably best for us to adhere to Occam’s Razor and take people’s shirts as nothing more than an indication that they are fans of that particular band.”

At press time, Washburn was seen explaining to a friend that the stain on his Motörhead shirt was dressing from an Italian hoagie and not, in fact, motor oil.

Cheater? My Ex-Boyfriend Started Dating Someone New 

Posted on by Dom Turek

Don’t bother with handwriting analyses, enneagram tests, and aura readings. Don’t even worry about attachment theory or astrology forecasts. The only way to determine someone’s true character is to look at their breakup style, because just when I thought I’d found the perfect man, he hits me with, “Amanda, we broke up eight months ago, stop calling me.” 

Whoever coined the phrase “if you love something, set it free” was probably a deranged sociopath with a severe oedipal complex. When you love someone, you don’t let a silly little thing like breaking up keep you from being together. Do you think that swans, or beavers, or any other mate-for-life animals would let something as trivial as “misaligned core values” get in the way of their whirlwind romance? 

We still have so much to learn from nature. Consider the louse fish. These parasitic crustaceans bind themselves to fish’s tongues, suck their blood until the tongue withers away, then attach to the remaining stub and feed off their blood and mucus. An intimate, yet transactional love story to remind us that true love isn’t always pretty, but it’s always worth it. 

I was supposed to be his tongue-eating louse, and now I’m watching from the sidelines like a common molly as he posts pictures of himself and his new girlfriend apple picking upstate. Hopefully, he’s forthcoming and tells her he still has a very serious ex-girlfriend in the picture. I tried to warn her myself, but something must be wrong with her phone because every time I type in her name, it says “Instagram account not found.” 

Faced with such blatant disrespect and adulterous behavior, I’m trying to be the bigger person, but it’s not easy. I have tried everything from amateur love spells to gossiping about his penis size to inserting myself into his friend group to make it harder for him to detach from me, but to no avail. It seems that there is no simple solution to heartbreak. 

With our first anniversary right around the corner, I’m honestly willing to let bygones be bygones provided he plans something big. It’s important to book in advance if we want to take that sushi tasting course everyone’s been raving about, but he isn’t responding to any of my messages. I can take a hint. That must mean he wants to talk in person. 

Experts Warn Resurgence of Nu-Metal Could Be a Precursor to Another Swing Revival

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Experts at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research have warned that the resurgence of nu-metal over the past few years could be a precursor to a renewed nationwide interest in swing music not seen since the ‘90s.

“We’ve been concerned with this for a couple years now,” said sociologist Tiana Melbrook. “As soon as we saw nu-metal become popular again, thanks largely to social media platform TikTok, we’ve been warning that it could lead to another swing revival. After all, the two genres surged in popularity at the same time in the mid-to-late ‘90s, so it’s completely feasible to presume that it could happen again. I want to take this opportunity to personally warn young adults against dabbling too frivolously in nu-metal music and fashion, because a comeback by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy could result, which is something nobody wants.”

Recent nu-metal fan Kyle Vulmer was taken aback by the news.

“Oh wow, I hadn’t thought of that,” Vulmer gasped as he recoiled in horror. “I’ve been getting into bands like Slipknot and Spineshank, as well as wearing choker chains and Tripp pants, but I guess I didn’t think about what could result from that. I had completely forgotten that nu-metal’s original popularity coincided with a brief surge in swing music. God, that ‘Mr. Pinstripe Suit’ song was absolutely terrible, and I can’t believe I would be partly responsible if we were to be subjected to something like that again. I’m going to do the socially responsible thing and swear off all nu-metal right now.”

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy frontman Scotty Morris was excited to hear that his band might make a comeback.

“I had been aware that nu-metal was big again, and I’ve been secretly hoping we would be next,” Perry noted. “Most people don’t know this, but my band has been pretty active ever since our handful of hits 30 years ago. We’re more ready than ever to start playing Super Bowl halftime shows and having our music pervade the airwaves again. I’ll find a new fedora to wear in our promo shots and start researching colloquialisms and slang from World War II for new song titles and lyrics. I for one couldn’t be more excited, so who’s stoked to hear some more Big Bad Voodoo Daddy?”

At press time, Melbrook was fearing for the worst after observing a sharp uptick in the sale of pinstriped suits.

Crust Punk Sets Sail for Fabled Promised Land of Pacific Garbage Patch

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SAN FRANCISCO — A local crust punk announced plans to set sail on open waters to discover the fabled promised land of the Pacific Garbage Patch, sources who asked to bum a smoke confirmed.

“Yeah man, I’ve had it with society and I’m going to find that giant floating garbage patch and make a new life for myself. There’s a putrid island out there somewhere covered in cigarette butts, half-empties of PBR and moldy donuts. It’s everything I could ever need,” said Derek “Squizz Face” Robins. “I built this boat out of some oil drums I found and made a sail out of old issues of Maximum RockNRoll. If it starts to leak I can patch it with all these Amebix patches I have. DIY or die!”

Some friends of Robins aren’t so sure about his plans of exploration for a new world though as it seems like a fantasy.

“I don’t know, it just all sounds too good to be true. A giant trash heap to live on forever? There’s no way the government would allow that to exist,” said Rotten Doug. “How long could someone really survive on a thing like that? Sure, you could live off all the garbage people have thrown away but where are you going to get your Fent from? No one’s throwing any of that into the ocean.”

Crust punk historian Chuck “Infected Leg Wound” Harrison explains that while Robins may consider his actions to be historic, he is not the first to attempt it.

“There have been a lot of punks who’ve tried to sail to the garbage patch and some may have even made it there, we really don’t know,” said Harrison. “We do know about Mikey ‘Leanin’ Evans who hit the seas on a raft made from Nausea seven-inches and found a massive pile of beautifully disgusting trash, used needles, and human shit only to discover he was actually just in Philadelphia.”

At press time, Robins said he was holding off on his voyage after hearing reports that the garbage patch has become so large it may just reach the shores of the west coast within the next few months.

Impossible! This Guy Brought a Bag of Clothes Straight to the Thrift Store Instead of Letting It Sit in His Trunk for Three Months

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There is a universally accepted unwritten rule that it takes 12 to 15 weeks to move a garbage bag of used clothing from your home to the thrift store. The mental load required to decide which pair of pants stay and which ones to cast off into the bins is so taxing, it only makes sense for it to languish in a car trunk until one can find an extra ten minutes in the week to donate it. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you it’s the natural order of the world.

That is, unless you ask local Minneapolis resident Doug Gleason, who defied all known logic and laws of physics by driving straight from his house with his old clothes to the local Savers in a single day.

“Well, I had nothing else better to do today, so I threw it in the car and dropped it off at the thrift store before checking out some of the used books. They even gave me a 20% coupon for donating, and it was just a bunch of novelty shirts that aren’t funny anymore! I should do this more often.” What kind of Herculean willpower does this man possess? Does he also not let his gas tank run all the way down to fumes?

The donation process has always been to let 50 pounds of clothes marinate in your car for several weeks on the off chance you change your mind about donating something, even if it doesn’t fit anymore. Gleason, however, shows a level of executive function we’ve only seen in NASA mission control or Hall of Fame quarterbacks. Hopefully, upon his death, he’ll donate his brain to science so they can study this outlier of outliers. 

“Come to think of it, I have some old winter jackets at home. I should swing by with them again this afternoon.”

Jesus Christ! Does he not know that clothing isn’t meant to be donated right away, but to serve as a reminder while it collects dust in his Subaru hatchback, that he should do it weeks down the road when everything in his life has perfectly aligned and can handle the mental workload of interacting with another human being in the drop-off line? This guy has the resolve of a Tibetan monk hiking up a mountain in a blizzard, but for giving away clothes he bought before he got an office job.