A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, kinks were very much alive and well. The struggle against the Empire is so all-consuming that a little release is only necessary! Below we’ve ranked the kinks (all consensual, of course) related to 50 ‘Star Wars’ characters. This is all canon, by the way, just as George Lucas intended and pulled from early 1970s screenplay draft marginalia. These are the kinks you’re looking for.
50. Aunt Beru – Smoking Cigarettes in Bed
Nothing brought Aunt Beru more satisfaction than sucking down a nicotine tube with one hand while pleasuring Uncle Owen with her other. Her search history is all smoking-related porn and cigarette erotica. Of course this led to tragic consequences (often blamed on Imperial stormtroopers), but real ones know what was going on with Aunt Beru. If you look closely at the charred ruins, there’s clearly a carton of Parliaments.
49. Boss Nass – Ass Play and Fingering
That’s no moon. That’s Boss Nass’s butthole. The word “ass” is in his name, after all. Nothing too unique or out of the ordinary here, it’s just that Boss Nass has the most leg-shattering orgasms with a bit of assplay. You know how floppy and loose his jowls are when speaking? As above, so below. He puts on a big show as the leader of the Gungans, but firm anal punishment will have Boss Nass wriggling with pleasure in no time. For most employees that want to resign, fingerbanging Boss Nass’s sloppy bootyhole bussy until he squeezes your knuckle off is the only way out of that underwater kingdom.
48. Darth Vader – Leather Daddy
Want that whip? Want to be gagged? Need the full zipper leather gimp suit? Darth Vader has you covered with his closet of delights. What a sassy queen, vamping it up for his own staff. Get ready for tight, fine leather, used only once per “session,” as Lord Vader calls it. Beneath that chest plate are nipple rings, plus Death Star-themed clamps to excite the Lord while you toggle the whip handle base, inserted into him like that famous Robert Mapplethorpe photograph.
47. Chewbacca – Furries
This one should be fairly obvious. Chewbacca even has his own fur suit, which makes him incredibly sweaty when he dons his ultraviolet fox costume. Let this Wookie run his hirsute fingers down the nape of your neck, circle various orifices, bring you to absolute wonder. Plus you can watch furry content together while cuddling in his matted, gruff chest.
46. R2-D2 – Cuckolding
R2 loves watching, in the corner, quietly beeping away. Plus, he has amazing filming capabilities. Sexy surveillance. You can sleep with R2’s wife, and he will send you the footage to be projected in miniature, anytime you want. For an android, R2-D2 is particularly non-possessive. He encourages his partner to explore their sexual freedom, only if he can delight in the stories later and store them into his personal perverted memory bank.
45. Lando – Betrayal Kink
Lando will text you about meeting up with a waterfall of flirty emojis, only to cancel at the last minute and try to reschedule. Meanwhile he’s stroking himself, knowing how upset you are by his erotic disloyalty. He’s snitched on friends, reported folks for parking illegally, and has “situationships” all across the universe (several in Cloud City itself), all for a deeply held betrayal kink. Just ask him about Han, or don’t – Lando will instantly get off just thinking about it.
44. Kuiil – Exhibitionism
Before wandering around spouting out “I have spoken,” Kuiil was known for flashing and exhibitionism. He’s banned from most public pools. A preference for nude beaches or colonies is fine, but walking about open-air markets of Tatooine without pants (Kuiil’s former favorite pastime) might not work for everyone else. This is often why he’s alone, suntanning his asshole in blissful solitude and letting it all hang out on the warm desert rocks.
43. Exogorth aka Space Slug – Constant Oral
Let’s just say it: this Space Slug will glug. He’s a giver, not a taker. He’s want you as a starfish, affixed to the mattress. While an oral fixation may be welcome, occupational hazards arise when considering size disparities. It’s a risk when the entire mouth risks possible swallowing a partner whole, but the “X” in Exogorth is there for a reason – this worm gives infamously 100% solid sloppy toppy mouth action. He might be busy defending his moon craters, but he’s never too busy for third base. In fact, he lives there.
42. Luke Skywalker – Daddy Fetish
The trauma of learning that your father was trying to kill you may fuse the brain circuitry in certain impressionable minds. Now, he seeks out ‘zaddy’ figures to dominate and pound his vulnerable, supple body. Sure, Luke has seen a double sunset, but he’ll be experiencing double penetration after finally jumping on Scruff. The only thing Luke has a “bad feeling about” is the prospect of not meeting hot horny single silver foxes in his area.
41. Nien Nunb – Sadism and Masochism
This arms dealer and smuggler, constantly muttering while expertly piloting, is secretly one of the most sexual deviants among the Rebel forces. He loves pain: on himself, on others, implied in the world, any amount of unpleasantness leaves Nien Nunb’s nutsack empty. Behind that vest? A ball-gag for all occasions, handcuffs ready to go. Get ready for punishment from Nien Nunb, and being late only makes it worse. Nien Nunb is your master now.
40. Sebulba – Group Sex
You nasty, Sebulba. How far those arms reach? Enough for two reacharounds in separate bedrooms, plus keeping those feet busy pleasuring folks on the couch. Everyone’s favorite sex party guest. When not podracing, Sebulba be fucking. Entire families, at once. It’s a common fact that in most Gen-Z friend groups, Sebulba has had sex with at least two people.
39. Nute Gunray – Hosiery
Nute Gunray is a stunner in leggings. Get him in some fine lacy lingerie, and you have one hot Neimoidian on your hands. Once you get him out of that giant hat and into something more “comfortable,” Nute’s personality shines. He’s a tender lover, with a preference for gentle caressing under, over and in-between the lace. Something has to take his mind off the Trade Federation!
38. Darth Maul – Foot Fetish
Who’s that secretly snapping photos from afar? Using his binoculars to spy on tanned Tattooine tootsies? Why it’s Darth Maul, of course, climbing every height to get a better view of lady feet. His OnlyFans subscription list is all foot content, which he scrolls in between defending the empire. If you like the patterns on his face, wait until you see how beautiful his feet are – it’s like an erotic rorschach test.
37. Grand Moff Tarkin – Gagging
Before blowing up in the Death Star, Grand Moff Tarkin observed Lord Vader choke plenty of colleagues from afar, watching while rock hard. As such, he loves watching the act of gagging. He especially loves fingers shoved down his throat, feeling the acidic bile creep up before planting a wet kiss on his lover’s body. The sound of gagging alone will force Moff into a need to find a nearby unoccupied bathroom stall for release.
36. Lobot – Ear Play
Ears are often cited as one of the most erogenous zones. Before you nibble or gently breathe your warm galactic breath in Lobot’s ears, you must remove his headset, no easy feat. It’s like removing a chastity belt. Caress the indents left in Lobot’s skull and go to town on his often-protected, rarely-seen ears; he will finish in his pants from ear play alone.
35. Wedge Antilles – Submissive Humiliation
Often an afterthought in the ‘Star Wars’ series, Wedge knows his place and likes it. In fact, he loves it. In all seriousness, he gets off on it. Call him a worthless piece of shit. He may be one of the most talented pilots, miraculously surviving cheek by jowl beside protagonists and legacy characters, but he prefers to remain in the shadows and experience merciless mockery. Don’t feel bad, he can only get it up with such afterthought consideration. Somewhere a well-paid dominatrix is slapping him right now, telling him that he’s trash. He’s over the moon with joy.
34. Ephant Mon – Facesitting
Ephant Mon wants you to straddle that husk of a mug, from his gaping maw to his beady eyes. Ride and grind that nose while giggling away, someone has to keep the mercenary company. Once it’s his turn to sit on your face, make sure you have a Morse code-style password to bang on the floor so he doesn’t suffocate you. And yes, he will want to be cuddled after, but as the “little spoon” so good luck figuring that one out.
33. Palpatine – Electrostimulation
Let your flesh sizzle and your nipples zing as Palpatine charges bolts of delicious electricity through your mammal husk. “We’re made of electricity, after all. Stardust and electricity,” Palpatine spouts and waxes poetic at bars (the same line he uses on everyone) only to bring home tipsy strangers and throw lightning bolts at them. Between the seatless electric chair and cattle prods, Palpatine has an entire closet for an evening sure to leave you with Lichtenberg scars.
32. Tessek – Olfactophilia
Scents, sniffs, smells, pungent aromas, sweats – it all gets Tessek stirring. Tessek whinnies in delight anytime he enters an olfactory-tingling atmosphere, turned on by the stank of alien movement. Lift your armpits and let his appendages (each with the ability to sniff) crawl around your body. Because of this turn-on, Tessek also doesn’t shower, staying constantly aroused but often solitary due to the off-putting stench.
31. Wicket – Age Play
Wicket is notoriously down for age play. He loves to prostrate himself upon a log like a naughty Ewok schoolboy, waiting for the big bad Ewok cougar teacher to give him a lesson. It goes deep, too. Wicket proudly wears a diaper around the Ewok colony, cradling his milk bottle and claiming to be “everyone’s favorite sexy baby of the woods.” The only reason Wicket was enthusiastic about C-3PO was because he was looking for a new zaddy. Wicket’s dating apps reveal that he is looking to be “punished” by an Ewok DILF or MILF. Wicket doesn’t discriminate.
30. Salacious Crumb – Virginity Fetish
For such a gross-looking rat creature, Salacious Crumb is a total prude. He will exclusively sleep with virgins, yielding his bedroom antics to limited nights – very few are taking his offer up to “show how lovemakin’ works.” Any roleplay with him involves virginity, too. Beggars can’t be choosers, ya nerf-herder. Also you’re in Jabba’s Palace, you think anyone there is a virgin?
29. Mace Windu – Temperature Play
All those years wielding a lightsaber has birthed an attraction to hot metal. As such, Mace is obsessed with having piping hot metal pressed against his body while blindfolded. Preference is for fast temperature switches, such as an ice-pack immediately applied. Even looking at a thermostat will tighten that Mace Windu bulge, leading to awkward bending and crossed legs at Jedi High Council meetings.
28. Admiral Ackbar – Praise Kink
Sometimes, even an Admiral needs to hear that they’re a “good boy.” Admiral Akbar prefers “soft BDSM,” with positive reinforcing language. With a highly stressful job and poor familial support network, his sexual release in the bedroom is doubled when he’s told that he’s just doing a good job. Be careful with insincere compliments, though, otherwise you’ll hear, “It’s a trap!”
27. IG-88 – Sploshing
This is the ultimate conundrum: IG-88 loves seeing sexual partners surrounded by water, but is unable to be surrounded by water himself. He’s an android, afterall. What is forbidden becomes desired. This is known as “sploshing,” attraction to immersion in wet substances. Unfortunately any exposure to moisture would make him junk, but that doesn’t stop his quiet perverted beeping by the seashore.
26. Han Solo – Ice Nipple Play
Being frozen in that carbonite changed Han. He loved the feeling of being pressed against cool slabs. Now, Han can remain solo in bed and climax without any other stimulus besides cold cubes rubbed around his chest. Ring a large whiskey glass square of frozen ice around Han Solo’s magnificent hair and tanned nipples. You’ll send Han into hyperdrive.
We like weird shit as much as the next guy who used to be into hardcore but has somehow lived past the age of 40. But “Gold & Grey” leans a little too hard into the experimental aspect for our taste, and even the kookiest of arrangements can’t hide the fact that the production is awful. Rarely does a layman like ourselves notice stuff like “compression,” but the audio quality of “Gold & Grey” is so crispy that it completely neuters the sprawling compositions Baroness is trying to utilize. This sounds like it’s blowing out the speakers of a 2005 Honda Accord but you’re listening on $500 Bose headphones. Oh well.
This is the entry that will get our home address leaked on the Baroness subreddit. “Purple” wins a lot of popularity contests, and while that is by no means undeserved, there are simply other albums that accomplish a similar sonic goal as this album, but better. We don’t deny that “Shock Me” is an all-time banger, though. That’s your go-to soundtrack for running a crane through your ex’s front door.
The band’s most recent release “STONE” is often considered their “return to form” after the mild mess of “Gold & Grey.” That’s an accurate assessment. “STONE” brings back a kinder, heavier Baroness, complete with some truly top-notch fucking shredding from guitarist Gina Gleason, who also provides backing vocals that somehow match Baizley’s intensity. We genuinely don’t know how she’s doing both of those at the same time when they play live.
Our ranking of “Red Album” just above the halfway mark will likely anger early fans who think they’ve never outdone this album, but also anger newer fans who prefer their more highly-polished works. However, “Red Album” is everything you both want and expect from a metal debut. It’s raw, angry, occasionally super moody, and, importantly, fucking loud. But the only reason this isn’t higher is that somewhat predictably, the record loses steam in the middle third. That’s a rookie mistake we can overlook in exchange for skullcrushers like “Isak.”
Utterly massive double album “Yellow & Green” represents Baroness at their most introspective and emotional. This is the gold medal winning work for soul-crushing lyricism, though–Baizley made us cry with nautical metaphors for drug addiction on “March to the Sea,” and more directly on that topic on “Take My Bones Way” (their most-streamed track on Spotify). Put many of these songs on your “Sad Bangers” playlist.
Baroness’ second album is, pun intended, the blueprint for the rest of their career. Everything they’ve done since has been deviations from the core sound of “Blue Record.” Acoustic interludes between utter ragers? Check. Dual harmonizing guitar leads and shitloads of tom drums? Check. Baizley putting his entire ass into the most emotive and powerful vocals you’ll find this side of the Mason-Dixon line? Check. “Blue” is “Red” that upgraded from a studio apartment to a respectable two-bed, before slowly moving to the suburbs by “Purple.” Pay your respects to the classics with tracks like “A Horse Called Golgotha, “Jake Leg,” and “Swollen and Halo” in particular.
You’d think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years would’ve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyone’s radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely it’s because Dave Smalley came out with his “Gonzo Conservative Punk” ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans don’t really want to hear about politics and they definitely don’t want to hear how supply-side economics is “actually really punk when you think about it.”
This is basically “Can I Say” originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. I’m probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like “Can I Say” you’ll like this but it’s just not the same with Shawn’s vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.
Remember on “The Simpsons” when Milhouse’s dad got divorced and recorded a demo song “Can I Borrow A Feeling”? There are moments on “Field Day” that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. It’s like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didn’t want to wake their parents in the next room.
Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on “Field Day” and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early ‘90s snowboard videos.
The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and “The Godfather” sounds like the soundtrack to an ‘80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in “Mario Brothers” with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isn’t the clean-living flex you think it is.
You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” and “Can I Say.” Travis Barker has “Can I Say” tattooed on his chest and not “Start Today” so I’m not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalley’s earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalley’s “I walked by you on the street the other day” monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.