CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed political activists and Rage Against the Machine fans throughout Chicago.
“Just as it was in 2000, we are not letting the streets of Chicago get taken over by the Democrats, Republicans, or anyone in the political establishment who just want to maintain the status quo,” said Morello while stirring a mug of chamomile tea. “I’ve written protest songs, organized rallies, even gotten arrested pushing my message right into the face of our oppressors. But this strongly worded memo that I plan to fax to the Tribune sometime this week…this just hits different. It’s going to rock the DNC harder than we two decades ago.”
Activists at Chicago rallies were skeptical of the impact the fax would have on the delegates and voters watching around the country.
“I had heard rumblings weeks ago that Tom was planning something, we even saw him checking into the Peninsula Hotel with a guitar case in his hand,” said Maureen Harrington of Wicker Park while gluing herself to a door handle at the United Center. “Bare minimum, I figured he’d be out there with a fucking old school bullhorn to rally the troops and get everyone fired up. Hell, maybe he’d even get the guitar out and play some Woody Guthrie songs. But now we’re starting to wonder, it’s been 3 days and where the fuck is he?”
Political Analyst Geoff Roland acknowledged Morello’s impact in the past, but wondered if it was time to pass the torch to a new generation
“We want more celebrities to be here in the streets with us and use their platforms to foment change. However, we would really prefer someone like Chappell Roan over Tom Morello, no offense to Mr. Morello, but he’s just not going to be able to speak to the youth like he used to,” said Roland. “His style of intellectual discourse, willful civil disobedience, and harnessing the power of the system against itself is just old hat. It’s time to let the man rest.”
“The next generation better get it together quick,” Roland added. “If they’re not careful, Tom DeLonge is gonna show up throwing alien conspiracy theories at the crowd.”
At press time, Zack De La Rocha was said to be landing at Chicago O’Hare Airport with a plane full of 300 Cuban Marxist Guerillas to join the fray.
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.
