Help! My Parents Wouldn’t Let Me Watch VH1 Growing up and Now I’m Too Old to Ever Give a Shit About “Empire Records”

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, I’m just going to say something that I know a lot of people are going to take issue with, but it’s important for me to just acknowledge it: “Empire Records” is an objectively bad movie.

And that’s okay! Just because this movie blows cinematic chunks doesn’t mean it can’t also rightfully be a huge nostalgia point for elder millennials—provided that your parents allowed you to watch VH1 growing up. Otherwise, you’re just a thirty-nine-year-old man who’s retroactively trying to grind through the youth he missed out on.

To be clear, I have tried to watch “Empire Records” three different times in my adulthood and have failed to complete it every time. As someone who now runs his own very successful business, I can’t focus on the plot while I’m noticing tons of wasteful overhead costs that that staff of scrappy slackers is constantly accruing. In business that’s just wasteful and inefficient!

Also, I’m never gonna see that one guy as a father figure. He’s like four years younger than I am now—I so missed the boat on that one. Come to think of it, why was the manager of the record store a father figure to begin with?

As bad as this movie inarguably is, I’m still pretty bummed out that I don’t have the formative experience of believing that it isn’t. The only reason my parents wouldn’t let me watch VH1 in the first place is because, in their words, “That Madonna hussy might be on there again trying to operate a gas pump.”

And because of that, I’ll never understand why everyone in seventh grade thought it was so funny that our class clown introduced himself to the substitute teacher as “Warren Beatty.” Trust me, if I tried that bit with the guys in my racketball league they would neither get it nor give a shit.

So I guess this is just where I’m at in life, happily married with however many kids people are supposed to have and thriving in both my personal and professional lives, but unable to relate to a VH1 teen classic from three decades ago. HELP ME!!!

Adoption Form for Elderly Dog with Gangrene Requires Everyone in Household to Have Pentagon Clearance

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

OAKLAND, Calif. — The adoption form for an elderly dog with gangrene at Pups in Paradise Animal Shelter required everyone in the rescuer’s household to have Pentagon clearance, reported several baffled sources.

“This isn’t a game. We take adoptions seriously around here,” said rescue director Sharon Bell, as if scolding a classroom of elementary school students. “We require applicants to submit at least seven forms of identification, a round of blood tests, and hold Pentagon-level clearance to be considered for adoptions. We feel it’s our duty to be thorough for the sake of these innocent creatures, which is why we partner with the Federal Bureau of Investigation to ensure our adopters’ records are squeaky clean. You’d be surprised how few people meet these basic requirements. It’s truly disappointing, because our oldest dog, Crumbles, is patiently waiting to find his forever home. Yes, he has a slew of high-maintenance ailments to treat, and you have to hold his head up to keep his windpipe from collapsing, but we’re willing to wait for the right person.”

Dave Jackson was crushed when he heard he was denied approval to adopt Crumbles.

“I applied for a maximum security job at NASA once, and the background check to adopt this dog was 10 times more intense,” said a deflated Jackson. “My buddy was actually able to buy a gun with less paperwork, which is insane. I was really looking forward to having that little guy to spend the day with. I knew it would have been a huge commitment with his gangrene and all, but I wanted to give Crumbles the life he never had being cooped up in that rescue shelter. Even though my credit score is 800 and I have a full-time, work-from-home job with a house and a yard, Sharon said I ‘wasn’t the right fit.’ She also said she didn’t like my shoes and that my face looks weird when I smile, which I found unnecessary.”

Crumbles admitted that Jackson probably wouldn’t have been able to handle his growing list of conditions.

“This kid thought he could bust in here like my knight in shining armor, but he wouldn’t survive a single night with me,” Crumbles said through his oxygen mask. “I need military-grade medical attention round-the-clock, and I fear he’d forget that I can’t have treats, and then I’d choke on one since I have no teeth. Or he’d try to give me a bath like it’s no big deal, not realizing he needs to use a special sponge prescribed by my vet so that my flesh doesn’t slough off my body. What would he do when I forget where I am and start screaming as loud as I can at 4 in the morning? Sharon is my only advocate, and if she thinks it’s best to stay in this small cage near a drain, she’s probably right.”

A follow-up with Pups in Paradise revealed that Crumbles was adopted 2 months later, but promptly returned, as his mere presence had cursed the only family given adoption approval.

Every Zao Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Zao has been around for a while. For some, they are a top 5 metalcore band. For others, they aren’t. That’s usually how it works. But one thing is for sure: we are going to rank Zao’s albums, based on how good they are, relative to each other. Because that’s what we do here. We don’t do it for the glory, or the love of the game, we do it because someone kidnapped our family and they won’t set them free until we rank every band that’s ever existed.

11. Parade of Chaos (2002)

There are a few good songs on this mess of an album. If you know anything about the band, you know this album was hastily thrown together along with the ill-conceived re-recording of “All Else Failed” (which is not on this list due to it just being a redux) to finish their contractual obligations. And yeah, it sounds like that. And while you might not think that would be the most conducive environment for art, sometimes no-stakes creativity can help you make some wonderfully weird, out-of-the-box stuff. And that’s what happens here with something like the dope underwater part in “A Pirate’s Prayer.” Unfortunately, it also may produce something like “Angel Without Wings.” Don’t make “Angel Without Wings.”

Play it again: “A Pirate’s Prayer,” and “The Buzzing”
Skip it: “Angel Without Wings”

10/9. All Else Failed (1995) & The Splinter Shards the Birth of Separation (1997)

Nobody from this era of Zao is in the band anymore. Which is fine. But this isn’t a “is it really Morbid Angel without that one guy?” debate. This is a different band with a different sound than what Zao would become after these two albums. For what they are, these albums are fine. They’re a nice time capsule of the “spirit-filled hardcore” scene, which certainly had it’s time and place. Thankfully that time is a long time ago and the place is not here. Which is a thing. Again, they aren’t bad albums, and their weakness has more to do with the style and production at the time. But they really are a different band. When you wanna listen to Sugar Ray, you don’t put on “Lemonade and Brownies.” It might’ve been an important album for the band, but you wanna hear “Fly” or “ Every Morning” or maybe even “Falls Apart.” You don’t wanna hear “Rhyme Stealer.” Nobody does.

Play it again: “Times of Separation,” “Exchange,” “Resistance”
Skip it: “The Children Cry for Help”

8. Awake? (2009)

Barely.

Get it? Because the title? This album is the least-best album of the modern-era of the band, but still has some bangers. Its real problem is that for us it has become the album in Zao’s discography that is mostly likely to be referenced as “which album?” It is hands down better than the three albums listed before. By a long shot. But in the end, the album is overall pretty forgettable. Which is kinda surprising, because the band is killing it on this album and the production is good. But we just find ourselves wishing we were listening to a different one.

Play it again: “Human Cattle Masses Marching Forward,” “Awake?”
Skip it: “Romance of the Southern Spirit”

7. The Funeral of God (2003)

A great comeback album, The Funeral of God has somewhat diminishing returns as time goes on. Certain albums in the band’s discography have a distinctive time and place. So when we say “This album came out on Ferret Records in 2004 and sounds like it,” some of you know exactly what we mean and some of you don’t. But it’s the truth. This isn’t a bad thing, it just IS. A concept album whose concept seemed almost shocking at the time, it now is filed under “yeah, I liked that one.” A couple solid bangers, but we’re not sure anyone will ever be clamoring for “The Funeral of God Anniversary Tour!”

Play it again: “The Rising End,” “The Lesser Lights of Heaven”
Skip it: “I Lay Sleepless in my Grave” and “Psalm of the City of the Dead” aren’t bad, but they are a brutal way to end an album that already feels long.

6. Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest (1998)

And here is where we lose folks. For a lot of people this album is number one. Nostalgically it seems like the choice. This is in part because this album was groundbreaking for many when it came out. It’s still a great album. Some might say it’s the band’s sixth-best album. We’d say that, actually. But the thing is: bands can and do get better. And Zao gets better than this album. A lot better, actually. This album is classic, and if you grew up listening to “Lies of Serpents, River of Tears,” there’s a chance it’s etched in your brain as perfect. But it’s not. Good? Yes. Perfect? No. Nothing from your memory is. I mean, have you seen “Top Gun” lately? It’s good. Nobody is saying it’s not good, but honestly, “Top Gun: Maverick” is just a better movie.

Play it Again: “Lies of Serpents, A River of Tears,” “Ravage Ritual,” and “To Think of You Is to Treasure and Absent Memory”
Skip it: “The Latter Rain,” and “Violet”

5. Self-Titled (2001)

While the band was apparently a mess at this point (and maybe not even really a band?) the chaos hadn’t fully affected the songwriting as much as it would for “A Parade of Chaos.” This album sees the Zao experimenting with different sounds, drums triggers (controversial for the time), and an overall vibe that just felt new for the band. What can we say? It was the year 2000. Everybody what doing wacky shit. The follow-up to the incredible “Liberate Te Ex Inferis” could’ve been a real disappointment. But instead, it produced one of the band’s more interesting albums. There’s an almost black metal feel to “A Tool to Scream” and the “burn it down a walk away” ending of “5 Year Winter” is a legendary breakdown that has seen many a windmill kick, which is really the only unit of measurement that matters. It’s their most experimental album and this time the experimenting pays off.

Play it Again: “5 Year Winter,” “A Tool to Scream,” and “At Zero (Simmeon Simmons”
Skip it: We appreciate that they were trying new things with “FJL”, but no. Just… no.

4. The Fear is What Keeps Us Here (2006)

On any given day, this album could be closer to number one. Hell, it could BE number one. It is an absolute experience. It is the Zao version of falling down some stairs while carrying a laundry basket full of cinder blocks: It starts. it’s total chaos and pain. it’s over. You’re not sure what you really remember about it, but you’re glad you made it out. Recorded live to tape, Albini’s production is exactly what you think it’s gonna be. And that’s why the album can’t be number one. At times, this is the Zao you wanna hear. But this album will never be THE Zao album. It’s too much.

Play it again: “Physician Heal Thyself,” “There is No Such Thing as Paranoia”
Skip it: It’s not really a “skip it” album. You put it on, have a panic attack, and it ends.

3. The Well-Intentioned Virus (2016)

We love it when a band’s newer stuff actually beats out their “classic” albums. For one, it pisses readers off, which is actually the only reason Hard Times exists: to anger YOU specifically. But more importantly, this album shreds. Although at this point, the album is getting close to a decade old. So, soon it too will be a classic. Because Tom Cruise looks great for his age, but he still looks his age. He doesn’t look like he’s trying to come off younger than he is. Jennifer Connolly also looks fantastic and the two of them genuinely have chemistry. The age gap is there, but it’s not distractingly large. And then obviously Miles Teller and Glen Powell bring a new energy to the franchise that skeptics were unsure about. But they were wrong. The bottom line? “Top Gun: Maverick” is awesome and Zao is at the top of their game.

Play it again: “Xenophobe,” “The Sun Orbits Around Flat Earth Witch Trials,” and “The Weeping Vessel”
Skip it: No skips

2. Liberate Te Ex Inferis (1999)

The best album from the “classic” Zao era. Great concept, great sound. In this album, Dan’s vocals move from “So I guess Zao is doing Carcass-worship?” to “This is Zao and it rules.” The movie clips, the production, and the overall feeling of dread on the album. It’s great. When this album was released, it sounded like we were listening to a horror movie. And that vibe pretty much holds up today. While “Where Blood and Fire…” introduced this version of Zao to the world, this album let everyone know they weren’t fucking around. Granted, in the next 25 years of the band there would be a lot of fucking around. But in 1999, Zao was eating everyone’s lunch.

Play it again: “Savannah,” “Skin Like Winter,” and “Ghost Psalm”
Skip it: “Man in the Cage Jack Wilson”

1. The Crimson Corridor (2021)

It’s easy to shit on a band’s newest efforts, especially when they’ve been around as long as Zao. Often nobody wants to hear the new stuff. Just play the hits. But Zao is doing a great job of putting out quality in their later years. The progressive elements make sense. The slow plodding nature of the album feels intentional and moody. While it was not on our bingo cards, Zao is somehow one of the only metalcore bands from the ‘90s that neither abandoned their classic sound nor refused to mature and evolve. They have expertly threaded that needle. Sure would be nice if they shared the secret with everyone else. Instead, we gotta keep going to all these anniversary shows where the band slips in shit off their new albums, like we won’t notice. WE’RE HERE FOR NOSTALGIA, YOU DORKS. Unless you’re Zao. Then we’re here for it all.

Play it again: Front to back.
Skip it: None. Even the instrumental track works. Who knew?

Straight Edge Dad Makes Son Sit Through Entire Phish Concert After Catching Him with Weed

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

MINNEAPOLIS — Mike Curry, a local father and devoted straight-edge punk, resorted to unconventional means after discovering his son had been using marijuana, horrified sources report.

“I was disgusted,” said Curry. “Jesse came home, and it was clear he was not of sound mind. I could smell the jazz cigarettes all over him. I did what any reasonable edge father would do and conducted a full search and found the evidence. As someone who follows a lifestyle free from drugs and alcohol, I knew I had to teach him a lesson. So, I ordered a webcast of that night’s Phish concert, and forced him to sit through the entire thing. If he thinks smoking weed is all fun and games, he’ll learn the hard way that there’s a price to pay.”

However, the teen struggled to find the meaning in his father’s punishment.

“For a group of guys who look my grandpa’s age, they could really play,” the younger Curry admitted. “I didn’t understand how my dad thought this was such a bad punishment. After a little over an hour, they had left the stage, and I figured I did my time. But then, my dad started maniacally laughing and said, ‘Where are you going? This show’s not over… it’s only the set-break! It’s not even halfway over!’ I was stunned. I watched in awe as two hours later, the crowd was dancing like they were at a rave during a song that sounded like it would be played on a Christian rock station. After the show, my dad started to lecture me about how I would wind up just like that crowd if I kept smoking. Honestly, I still didn’t understand what he meant, but I told him I learned my lesson just to finally shut him up.”

Dr. Natasha Rosa, a parental discipline expert, weighed in on the unconventional punishment.

“Parents need to strike a balance when it comes to punishments. While it’s important to address the issue of drug use seriously, the punishment should also fit the crime and promote understanding,” said Dr. Rosa. “In this case, forcing a teenager to sit through an entire Phish concert, including an interlude where a 60-year-old man in a donut-covered mumu sucks on a vacuum cleaner, might be seen as cruel and unusual punishment. The goal should be to educate and guide, not to create lifelong trauma.”

At press time, it was reported that Jesse was planning to attend the nearest Phish concert to attempt to obtain higher-quality weed and try nitrous.

Where Are They Now: The Drummer From Nirvana?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Ah, the ’90s—flannel shirts, grunge music, and the unmistakable voice of Kurt Cobain. But while the world has never quite let go of Nirvana’s frontman, one question has haunted music fans for decades: whatever happened to their drummer? You know, the tall-ish guy with the long hair and a goofy smile. Dave Growl or something? Oh right, Grohl, Dave Grohl. Whatever happened to that guy?

After Cobain’s tragic demise, Grohl seemed to vanish like a ghost into the Seattle fog. Rumors spread like wildfire, each more bizarre than the last. Some say he retreated to the remote forests of Washington, living off the land and occasionally recording drum solos on logs with a pair of sticks he carved himself. Others claim he joined a cult of grunge purists who believe that the genre should have ended with Mother Love Bone, spending his days meditating in front of a poster of Andrew Wood, waiting for the second coming.

Now, as one source divulged, Grohl participated in an Ayahuasca ritual and now exists in a parallel dimension. He is only allowed to visit our realm when the moon is full and a vinyl recording of Billy Higgins is played backwards. It’s said that those who encounter Grohl’s rare corporeal form are filled with a joy so powerful it reverberates through time and space. Of course, no one has ever been able to prove this, but the legend lives on in whispers among those who believe in the more avant-garde side of grunge.

For years, theories simmered, feeding the flames of speculation. Like his Pacific Northwest cousin the Sasquatch, Grohl sightings became the stuff of urban legend—he was seen in the background of a grainy photograph in a Zambian village, or hitchhiking on The Great Wall of China. One of the more pervasive theories is that, after Cobain’s death Grohl retired to Thailand to teach English and clear his head; it was there that he fell in love, got married, and started a family. If that is true, I wish him well.

Yet, just when it seemed the mystery would never be solved, word has it that Grohl has emerged from his self-imposed exile. He’s rumored to have formed a new band—something with guitars and drums, the usual stuff. Those in the know state that Grohl has come out from behind the drum kit as the frontman for the band. Yeah right, I’ll believe that when I see it!

While the name of the band remains unknown, sources say the sound is “pretty good.”

Man’s Phone Has Better Insurance Than Him

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON. — Local 32-year-old Seth Kepling informed friends Friday night that his iPhone 13, which is covered by an AppleCare plan, actually has better insurance than he receives through his job at Manny’s Juice Bar.

“It all started with a cracked screen on my phone. I was ready trash it because that fucking iPhone 13 is so damn old, its a real piece of shit. But my buddy Jay said I should go down to the Apple Store and see if they could take care of it,” said Kepling while smacking his phone on a table to get the WiFi to connect. “I thought I was wasting my time, but they checked my account and sure enough, I had been paying for AppleCare for like 3 years and didn’t even know. I had no fucking idea all the stuff this covers, there’s literally nothing I could do to this phone that they wouldn’t fix. And yet here I am still paying off debt from an ambulance ride to the emergency room from a decade ago. I hate this country.”

Apple Genius Bar Tech Ed Capland believes that Kepling is correct in his assessment.

“He’s got a point, I’ve seen so many phones that are savagely beaten by their owners. Shattered screens, broken speakers, leaking batteries. I know I can fix them all, I’m a fucking miracle worker on these things,” said Capland. “But this guy Seth starting talking about how his phone literally had better insurance than him like, as a person, and I gotta say, that messed me up a bit. I guess my miraculous healing hands just don’t work on shattered tailbones.”

Health care expert and benefits counselor at Aetna of Greater Washington Sheila Armstrong thinks the comparison is a little over the top.

“I mean, come on, comparing a phone to a person? No one, and I mean no one, can put a price on a human life,” said Armstrong, while simultaneously typing up a benefits denial to a 37-year old cancer patient. “But a brand new 1TB iPhone 15 Pro Max is like $1600, so you wouldn’t want to skimp on coverage there. When combined with an Otterbox case and a techguard screen cover, you literally have the best protection plan you can buy. Having a phone for a few years that’s bulletproof, as opposed to the body you’ll have for, well, life, is so worth it.”

At press time Kepling was inquiring about getting an AppleCare plan and an protective casing to cover himself.

Cop Worried Illegal Immigrants Eating Neighborhood Dogs He Planned on Shooting

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LIVINGSTON, Tenn. — Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting, concerned residents confirmed.

“I knew these illegals were up to no good! Taking our jobs wasn’t enough, now they’re killing and eating pets? What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t walk onto someone’s property unannounced and shoot whatever dog gives me the side eye, all because Biden let in foreigners who turned that dog into a stew!” said Jenkins. “Trump wouldn’t have said those things during the debate if it weren’t true. I’m fully ready to protect my community from foreign invaders and protect myself from beloved domesticated animals. They need to learn I’m not a threat, and the only way to do that is by firing at them indiscriminately.”

The Livingston Mayor’s office spent much of the morning attempting to quell Jenkins’ panic over the rumors.

“We’ve begged Officer Jenkins to stand down as the reports of pets being eaten are completely false. But since last night’s presidential debate he’s had his riot gear on and continues to interrogate any person of color on the street about their dietary habits and their favorite dog breeds. If we don’t rein him in we’re looking at multiple class action lawsuits,” said mayoral aide Ellis Carver. “Now he’s taking pot shots at animals from his squad car in an attempt to, as he put it, ‘scare them back inside but also let them know who’s boss’. It’ll cost us the election but it would be easier to dismantle the police force at this rate.”

The town’s neighborhood watch members have been on high alert since Officer Jenkins began his crusade.

“Believe us when we say that Officer Jenkins’ heart is in the right place, but he needs to focus on the real problems plaguing this town like the guy Paulo from down the street, I think he might be Mexican, but he also might be Italian. Either way, he threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground one time. And if that guy is allowed to destroy our town then how am I supposed to feel safe driving after I’ve had a few beers? And I don’t know what would happen if he littered near the tire fire in my front yard,” said Connor O’Hara. “I know Officer Jenkins is on this crusade to stop these foreign dog eaters, but we’ve asked him to look into Old Man Wallace’s place multiple times because any animal be it dog, cat, or squirrel that wanders onto his property are never seen again. And he’s local!”

As of press time, Jenkins was placed on indefinite desk duty after shooting a sleeping dog because he saw its owner firing up their grill.

Ranked: Every MCU Hero’s Excuse for Not Preventing 9/11

Posted on by Dan Rice

The Avengers: Earth’s mightiest heroes, super-powered beings dedicated to using their extraordinary gifts to protect the Earth. And on September 11th, 2001, they were curiously absent.

With so many heroes in the MCU it is truly perplexing that not one of them attempted to prevent the events of that fatefull day or even lend a hand in the aftermath, especially considering the fact that they have access to time travel. We decided to go straight to the source and ask them all point blank “What the hell?” Here is every excuse they provided ranked from best to worst:

23. Thor

“I know not of this 9/11 you speak, but from today henceforth I solemnly vow that I shall know no rest until I have found it and made it taste the full might of my hammer! Can you describe the beast?”

22. Hulk

Hulk’s alter ego Bruce Banner provided an understandable reason for not stopping one of the greatest tragedies on American soil.

“Hulk is basically a giant walking 9/11. If I let the green guy stop those planes that day, he probably would have celebrated by destroying the Twin Towers himself, maybe some other buildings too. I’ve learned to keep that guy as far away from 9/11s as possible.”

21. The Marvels

“If they let the only all-girl team stop 9/11 the internet manosphere would fucking riot.”

20. Ant-Man and Wasp

“Best we could have done was make 9/11 smaller, or possibly bigger.”

19. Black Widow

“No matter how many form-fitting tactical outfits I did kicks in that day those planes just kept coming. Oh well, can’t win ’em all!”

18. Nick Fury

“I stop 9/11 every day! Sorry I took one day off in 2001!”

17. Valkyrie

“First I’m hearing of it.”

16. Hawkeye

“I’ve been petitioning Boeing for years to build an airplane that explodes when you hit it with an arrow, but do they listen?!”

15. Vision

“Don’t blame me! I voted for Gore.”

14. Spider-Man

“I’ve never seen 9/11, I think it came out before I was born? I heard it was great though.”

13. Shang-Chi

“I can’t really remember what I even do. I’m like a magic guy, right?”

12. America Chavez

“I stopped 9/11 in a bunch of other universes but honestly, after a few dozen, you get bored.”

11. Winter Soldier

“Because no one said ‘exhibition, tarnished, eleven, ladies night, microwave, forty-two, subway car, Dallas’ to me in that exact order.”

10. Moon Knight

“If 9/11 didn’t happen, they never would have made “Loose Change.” I love that movie!”

9. Black Panther

“Did you ask Queen Elizabeth II the same question? How about King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands? You see where I’m going with this.”

8. War Machine

“Seriously? My name is WAR MACHINE. Maybe if it was “Peace Machine” I would have done something, but probably not because “Peace Machine” sounds like a real bitch if you ask me!”

7. Scarlet Witch

“There’s actually no spell for stopping 9/11s. I got Pearl Harbor, January 6th, The Challenger explosion, but no 9/11. It’s weird!”

6. The Guardians of The Galaxy

“By the time we found the perfect song to stop 9/11 too, it was already too late. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping.”

5. Captain America

“Well, the first time I lived through 9/11 I was frozen in a block of ice so, you know, absent excused. The second time let’s see, I was probably balls deep in my girlfriend Peggy Carter. We would have been in our early 70s by then but she was still a whole lot of woman, and me? Well, I’m Captain America.”

4. Falcon/Captain America

“I actually DID stop 9/11, but it didn’t test well so we went into reshoots. We just wrapped and even though that horrible tragedy still happened, I think the audience is going to be happy with the results. You didn’t hear this from me but… Red Hulk. Ha! I’ve said too much.”

3. Iron Man

“I was dealing with my own personal 9/11 at the time, by which I mean two female flutists from the London Philharmonic. One was a nine, and the other, let me tell you, she was an eleven. You get that I had sex with them, right?”

2. The Eternals

“The same reason we haven’t prevented any of the huge global catastrophes we’ve idly witnessed through the ages, we don’t GIVE A FUCK yo!”

1. Doctor Strange

“Using the Eye of Agamotto, I glimpsed into over 14 million possible futures, and the one where 9/11 happened was the only one where we got U.S ground forces into Iraq. I allowed 9/11 to happen for the greater good, and history will vindicate me along with the Bush administration.”

Heartbreaking: It Turns Out the Prisoner on the “Countdown to Extinction” Album Cover Is a Non-Violent Drug Offender

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s not exactly a secret that the justice system in our country is far from perfect. The institutions in place that motivate private prisons and the companies that supply them to continue incarcerating people (an inordinate portion of whom are minorities) are outright shameful and in desperate need of serious reform. This absolute mockery of the notion of the United States being known as “the land of the free” is only heightened with each passing year in which nothing is done. As if this point needed further emphasis, it turns out the prisoner on the cover of Megadeth’s 1992 album “Countdown to Extinction” is a non-violent drug offender.

Disgraceful.

Meet 88-year-old Rory Sullivan, currently housed in the Rhode Island Department of Corrections in Cranston, RI. In 1973, at the age of 37, Sullivan was pulled over in possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute, and ever since then he has been inexplicably held alone in a concrete cell on the top floor of a 14-story medieval fortress on his prison’s complex, despite a stellar behavioral record and the complete absence of prior offenses. In fact, he is so isolated that other prisoners held in the complex don’t even know he exists!

Wake up, America! Is this what we’re consigning ourselves to as we hold our hands to our hearts for the National Anthem?
To make this horrific injustice even more glaring, even the prison’s guards (who normally delight in treating the inmates with unspeakable levels of sadism) are confused as to why he’s left in solitary confinement and only fed a plateful of bones every day. Temperatures in the cell are known to dip below 50 degrees at night, and with nothing to cover himself but a single undergarment, Sullivan is often left shivering himself to sleep in a corner of his cell.
Who can put a stop to this inhumanity? Will you sit idly by, reading this article in relative comfort, while this poor man slowly wastes away atop his lonely tower of disservice? Shame on you!

If you were thinking “Why hasn’t the ACLU put the proverbial sledgehammer to this real-life ‘Cask of Amontillado?’” it’s not for lack of trying. Numerous lawsuits have been filed on Sullivan’s behalf over the past five decades, to no avail. Not only that but attempts to disable the automated vents that cause the pitiable wretch to levitate for two hours every day have also fallen short.

With all conventional means of ending this travesty having been exhausted, we find ourselves at an impasse. We can continue our silence (which is tantamount to complicity,) or we can raise our voices for the voiceless which, in this case, is the old man adorning the cover of Megadeth’s fifth-best album specifically. Certainly, “Sweating Bullets” was not a fair trade for the soul of America, but it may serve as a reminder for us to collectively gaze in the mirror and finally say “Hello me, meet the real me.”

Swing Revival Band Not Sure If They’re 30 or 90 Years Too Late

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local swing revival band Big Zipper Flame Daddies weren’t quite sure if they were three or nine decades late with their musical style, confirmed sources who agreed they were behind schedule by all accounts.

“If you really think about it, swing is only ever a thing every 40 or 50 years and we need to be historically accurate if this venture is going to succeed,” said lead singer Jeffrey Tamelay of the 18-piece unit. “Remember in the ‘90s when there were just a bunch of swing groups that came out for no reason and half of them seemed like they just groomed underage girls, judging by their band name? Well, they were clearly 60 years late. But then again, we’re here trying to emulate the bands of the ‘90s who are emulating the swing groups of the ‘30s who were doing an offshoot of jazz. If we can’t figure out this riddle soon then our swing band will never make it at tonight’s show with nothing but shoegaze bands. Ugh, reviving old genres isn’t as easy as it looks.”

Fans of swing didn’t really think it mattered.

“I think they need to move past the fact that they’ll never be the Brian Setzer of the ‘90s nor the Brian Setzer of the ‘30s,” said local 95-year-old Bob Blankenship. “Besides, if you ask me, they’re actually a few centuries late. As a true swing fan, I only listen to the ones who were peers of Beethoven. Otherwise, it’s not real swing. In order for it to be legit swing music, it needs to be from the period when everyone was dying from the bubonic plague. That’s prime swing.”

Experts noted similar instances in music history.

“Unearthing older genres can be quite difficult if you can’t pinpoint the exact era you’re going for,” said music critic Blake Hildress. “It’s like in the 2000s when bands attempted to bring back ragtime music of the early 1900s. Sure, post-ragtime core never really materialized, but if you want to stand out from the crowd, you have to pick an old music style out of a hat and make that your whole thing.”

At press time, the band actually came to the conclusion that they were 20 years early as that was when the swing pendulum was estimated to come back to them.