Punk House Only has Junk Drawers

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed.

“Dave’s letting me sleep on his couch while I kick my Funko Pop addiction. I asked him if he had some walnut crackers and rubber bands so I could craft a few DIY mousetraps, and he told me to check the junk drawer,” said friend Kara Stokes. “Suddenly I was in a labyrinthine nightmare of multiple, messy drawers with no discernible order or theme. The so-called utensil drawer contained a single Flintstone’s spoon Dave got from a Fruity Pebbles box and then just a bunch of looseleaf papers featuring his blueprints for a solar-powered sex doll. I also learned the hard way about how since the toilet is broken he’s been filling up the ice cube tray ‘junk drawer.’”

Giles defended his domicile’s alleged disorganization.

“Despite the unsavory rumors you might have heard, I’ve got way more than just junk drawers. There are also several catch-all drawers, a knick-knack drawer, a few different bins of miscellaneous items, and the subterranean junk drawer, which is what I call the basement,” said Giles. “You’ve got to understand, as a Millennial, I am simply not capable of purchasing, say, a new cell phone or guitar pedal without keeping the box just in case I ever need it for some unknown reason. For example, what if I need to return it several years from now, or need to look at the user manual and don’t feel like Googling it like a normal person?”

Organizer and aspiring social media personality Emma Aoki explained how punks like Gile can transform their homes.

“As a professional organizer that works exclusively with punk houses, I’m obviously not doing it for the money. I do it because I know they need my help. Plus, they don’t have any qualms about hiring a felon,” said Aoki. “My motto is that if it doesn’t spark joy, chuck that shit over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Or if it’s a piece of old furniture covered in cigarette burns, just stick it on your patio or front porch.”

At press time, local psychologists have been taking compulsive hoarders on tours of Gile’s house in an effort to scare them straight.

Opinion: Back in My Day, We Had To Use Our Imagination When Fucking a Popcorn Bucket

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you want to know why there’s little to no originality in the entertainment we consume, look no further than your local movie theater and patient zero, the Dune popcorn bucket. What began as crude jokes online about it’s uncanny resemblance to an orifice (jury is still out on which one exactly) had Fox jumping on the bandwagon with suggestible Wolverine and Xenomorphs faces to eat out of and/or pleasure oneself.

Frankly, I find it unconscionable and disgusting because back in my day, we had to use our imagination when we wanted to have sex with a popcorn bucket.

I cannot believe society has reached the point where people are willing to pay $35 for a novelty container with a face on it. Must be so nice to have everything served on a silver platter and lubed up with artificial butter! These kids have it entirely too easy, with their jumbo popcorn buckets conveniently equipped with the trappings of something tangible to put their dicks inside. In my day you had to sneak in your own pair of scissors and cut it out yourself. It’s called building character.

I’ve tried the old “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick on a few dates, and I’d only give it two out of five stars if only because those dates ended right there and then. What actually got me through high school was seeing “Charlie’s Angels” in theaters 23 times and the limitless power of my brain. I almost believed I had a chance with Cameron Diaz, alas. But now you can just skull fuck the likeness of Hugh Jackman anytime, anywhere.

When I saw Tomb Raider, I had to crudely draw Angelina Jolie’s face onto it just to feel something, anything. And all I got was banned from every AMC in the country. And before you ask, yes I had to do it in the theater because our computer was in the family room.

Where’s the creativity or the wonder? It’s obvious why kids lack the ability to think critically or originally, and I blame it squarely on that dick-tickling Dune popcorn bucket. Once you don’t have to fire any synapses to imagine having sex with a 900 ton sand worm, civilization begins to crumble because people don’t even have to try anymore to be a weirdo pervert.

I guess that’s the price of progress.

Most Americans Giving Up The Dream of Owning 30th Anniversary Box Set

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the majority of Americans are giving up the dream of owning the 30th-anniversary box set of their favorite ‘90s record.

“This all started about three years ago with the release of the 30th anniversary of ‘Nevermind,’” explained Mark Engles while flipping through used CDs at a local Goodwill. “Little did we know, that was just the start of it. Within a few years we had 30th-anniversary sets of ‘Ten,’ ‘Dirt,’ ‘Siamese Dream’ and ‘Dookie’ and we haven’t even gotten to 1995 releases yet. I knew I had to be financially responsible, so I waited to save up for a nice down payment on a box set, but my indecision burned me in the end. I’ve been priced out of everything. I can’t even afford Mr. Big anthology collection as a first-time buyer.”

While the fans scramble to keep up, record companies have been all too happy to flood the market with box sets, some with price tags over $600.

“Once a Nirvana box set hit and we saw what people were willing to pay, we knew we had to get in on it,” said Aaron James of the Universal Music Group while making a tower out of unsold Three Doors Down CDs. “Most of the master tapes of these classic albums burned up in the Universal Fire, but we found an old hard drive with some pretty solid MP3s and just sent that down to the record pressing plant. I mean, on a Crosley USB Turntable, who’s gonna notice the fucking difference? Covid really inflated the market, but only because we can blame our price hikes on the pandemic.”

The desperate situation has boiled over into the financial services industry, creating a market for loans which present yet another problem for would-be box set owners.

“It’s the American economy at its worst, just predatory lending all over again,” said Edward Tevich of Wells Fargo’s Music Services Division. “I rarely approve loans for vinyl anymore just as a personal choice. However, I do know plenty of banks are willing to do it. I’ve seen interest rates between 12 and 14% for most loans, but they’re always higher if the box set is a Target exclusive. The short-sightedness of this whole situation is what drives me fucking nuts. Has anyone even considered what happens in a few years when we hit 30 years of Limp Bizkit or if banks start buying up all the box sets to rent them out to the public? That’s how box set crises begin.”

At press time, Tevich was said to be encouraging his team at Wells Fargo to offer loans to desperate Oasis fans.

Chromeo’s High-Heeled Keyboard Legs Switching to Sensible Dansko Clogs

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

MONTREAL — Electro-funk duo Chromeo announced that they will be swapping out their long-legged keyboards’ signature heels for Dansko clogs, which are considered the gold standard in ergonomic footwear, shocked sources report.

“In the early years of Chromeo, I’m embarrassed to say we were totally caught up in the aesthetics of romance. We thought females enjoyed expensive jewelry, ‘hot dinner in the candlelight,’ and generally pandering to the male gaze at all times,” said Chromeo singer and guitarist David “Dave 1” Macklovitch. “We saw our keyboards only as sexy finger candy and inanimate objects that didn’t experience pain, so we didn’t stop to consider their physical wellbeing. That changed when we decided to don high-heels ourselves for the ‘Juice’ music video. Those things really did a number on our feet. We realized if we couldn’t last a single day in stilettos, why would we expect our keyboards to endure them night by night? Seduction is ultimately about making someone feel good. And it turns out that those ugly-ass Dansko clogs feel amazing.”

Fans of the band are responding positively to news of the footwear change.

“It’s nice to see them evolving with the times. I started wearing Danskos and Crocs when I was like, 32,” said 40-year-old Chromeo devotee Rachel Bruder. “I always felt like those synths were being objectified. It’s about time Chromeo prioritized their comfort. And since they’re such style icons, I think this is going to make it more socially acceptable for the rest of us to rock out in rocker bottoms.”

Podiatrist Linda Droller noted that the orthopedic repercussions of high-heels are serious, and urged all genders and musical instruments to wear them minimally, if ever.

“In addition to bunions and plantar fasciitis, high-heels can throw off your gait and lead to more serious problems, like back pain, arthritis, and being called the ‘Carrie’ of the friend group,” Dr. Droller said. “Asking those poor keyboards to stand in heels at shows for hours on end was downright cruel. When a piano gets thrown out a window, it’s comedy, but when a keyboard’s legs give out onstage, it’s tragic. In the clogs, on the other hand, these ladies will be able to perform well into old age.”

At press time, Chromeo were trying hard to be supportive of the keyboards’ latest announcement: that they plan to stop shaving their legs.

Here’s Why We Should Decriminalize Watching the Next Episode of a Show That You’re Supposed To Be Watching With Your Partner

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

The Pledge of Allegiance tells us there is liberty and justice for all. But is that true in present-day America? I don’t think so. And it won’t be true until we have decriminalized watching the next episode of a show that you’re supposed to be watching with your partner.

My fiancé Jed and I started watching Owning Manhattan together. Over the course of several nights, we would make dinner and then eat it while awash in the dog-eat-dog world of high-end New York real estate. But crucially, we never explicitly said we were doing this, much less put anything in writing.

When Jed went on a work trip, I carried on with season 1 episode 6, “Crazy Promise,” in which Ryan takes action when two real estate agents cross a line.

The next day, Jed came home. When we turned on Netflix, he dropped his entire plate of food on the ground. It shattered into pieces, like so many dreams of owning a high-end apartment in the cutthroat New York real estate market.

Jed asked me if I had watched the next episode. I couldn’t deny it—Netflix was narcing on me. I told him the truth: that I thought I was allowed to watch the next episode while he was out of town. I reminded him that we never said we were exclusive with this show. That’s when Jed walked out on me. And the day after that, I found out there was a warrant out for my arrest.

We cannot continue living like this. Some people argue that watching the next episode of a shared show can hurt your partner’s feelings. But what about my feelings of being stoned and bored on a Tuesday night?

There’s also an argument to be made that you should just wait to watch the episode until the next night when your partner is home. But this argument is not inclusive of those of us whose partners go to bed really early.

We as a culture need to admit that everyone wants to do this. Maybe it was taboo when Netflix introduced streaming in 2007, but that’s just not the case anymore. It’s true that there’s way more to watch these days. But everything sucks more now, and all the shows I’m watching by myself incidentally happen to also suck.

History shows us that we need to change culture before we can change policy. We need to take steps toward making it acceptable to watch the next episode of a TV show you’re watching with your partner. So go and watch that next episode of Summer Heat (2022). Your partner will just have to accept that you’re being the change you want to see in the world.

Scientists Confirm Smashed Guitars Feel Pain

Posted on by Zac Lux

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars feel pain and anguish when smashed on stage, a new report confirmed.

“We discovered it by accident,” said lead researcher Dr. Leon Baker. “A few of us get together to jam after work some days. I had a few too many beers in me and smashed this old guitar across some industrial microscope. The guitar just started spattering around on the ground like some sort of epileptic lizard’s tail. Since then we’ve trialed over 400 guitars, as inhumane as it is, but at least they’re Squiers, mostly. Through these tests we’ve concluded that each guitar contains a complex nervous system between the headstock and pickups, however, it’s only activated when the output jack is plugged in. Otherwise it’s in what we can only describe as a state of ‘hibernation.’ It’s fascinating, really.”

This recent discovery has not only shocked the general public and normies, even famous guitarists have been stunned by this new information.

“In all my years, I had no idea,” quivered Swedish guitar legend Yngwie Malmsteen. “I’ve smashed countless guitars throughout my career, expensive ones, just caught up in the moment, you know? I guess I couldn’t hear the terrified screams of my guitar over the delighted screams of my audience. It’s been keeping me up at night, those sounds, they haunt me. Then there was the sporadic writhing of the neck after breaking from the body… oh God. I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Some are speculating that major guitar manufacturing corporations have known about this for years, and willingly withheld information from the public.

“Of course we didn’t know about it,” said Fender CEO Andy Mooney. “That would be cruel and unusual, to sell something with a fully intact nervous system that people unknowingly cause frequent pain to. But you know what else would be cruel and unusual? If we’re forced to lay off hundreds of employees, leaving families without food because we decided to stop selling our main driver of sales because it ‘might’ have ‘feelings.’ And who are all you to judge? As you wolf down your double bacon cheeseburger, those animals had feelings and you aren’t crying for them.”

When asked if bass guitars also feel pain, researchers across the board agreed that no bass player would ever be cool enough to deliberately smash their bass on stage, thus rendering the bass species of guitar safe.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week So Loudly That Perry Farrell Punched Us In The Face

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has joylessly passed you by uneventfully and without even the slightest hint of fanfare. You could argue that the increasingly bleak state of the world has been causing stagnancy in your life, but you’ve always been one to make excuses. We can’t fix everything in your life, but we can at least give you some new music that will allow you to at least pretend to escape for twenty minutes. Will it make you feel better? Probably not, but it’s worth a shot.

Cursive ‘Bloodbather’

The wait is over. Cursive’s new album ‘Devourer’ has landed and it’s a doozy of epic proportions. Their last lead single ‘Bloodbather’ caps a run of advance singles that slowly pulled the curtain back on the band’s more progressive leanings and it’s still only a taste of the fuckery included in the entire album’s runtime. It’s a good thing albums drop on Fridays now, because the old Tuesday drop style may have derailed our entire work week.

Mastodon/Lamb Of God ‘Floods Of Triton’

Following their co-headlining summer tour, and after a bit of teasing the project on the internet, Mastodon and Lamb of God have teamed up to release the collaborative single ‘Floods of Triton.’ The song is about as heavy as you’d expect, but we’re bewildered that this new supergroup didn’t seize the opportunity to come up with a fresh name like Lambstodon or MastoGod.

Off With Their Heads ‘Speakers Push The Air’

Massive droughts may be causing leaves to prematurely fall across the nation, but some of us still remember that it is, in fact, summer for another week. There’s no better way to bid farewell to the season than by blasting Off With Their Heads’ insanely fun new single ‘Speakers Push The Air.’ We assume the song title is an invitation to turn our receivers past their breaking point, but we can’t afford to replace our speakers again this month.

Sea Lemon ‘Crystals (feat. Ben Gibbard)’

Seattle’s Natalie Lew, who performs under the moniker Sea Lemon, has been crafting some of the dreamiest indie-pop known to humankind since her debut EP in 2022. Reportedly, her writing chops caught the attention of Ben Gibbard, who performed at a benefit show with Lew and asked to duet on a future project. It appears that future is now, as he has contributed a verse to her latest 90’s infused and very early Death Cab sounding track ‘Crystals.’

Pinkshift ‘Knead (Illuminati Hotties Cover)’

Hopeless Records is celebrating its 30th anniversary in style by steadily releasing covers of their famed roster for a compilation entitled ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You.’ Baltimore’s punk trio Pinkshift is the latest to step up to the plate, contributing a searing rendition of Illuminati Hotties’ ‘Knead.’ Backed by production from Bartees Strange, the cover is an all-out noise fest that rises to the occasion.

Cloud Nothings ‘Halloween I & II (Misfits Cover)’

Spooky season is just around the corner, and you’re probably looking for some new tunes to get into the spirit. Fortunately, Cloud Nothings have delivered a one-two punch with a cover of Misfits’ classics Halloween and Halloween II. No longer do you need to worry about your shuffle setting separating the two tracks, as the band has finally put an end to the bullshit by combining both of these excellent covers into one package. It’s about time someone did something about that.

Because we know you’re now chomping at the bit for even more escapism, we’ve compiled these and hours upon literal hours of other songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

If My Drinking is Excessive, Why Did That Bottle of Whiskey Barely Get Me Buzzed?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

People say the darndest things. They call my drinking habits “concerning” and say my behavior is “out of control.” But if the amount I drink is really as excessive as they claim, why did that bottle of Wild Turkey I just downed in record time barely get me tipsy?

I’m just fortunate enough to have a body with a naturally greater thirst than the average Joe. The fact that this thirst is reserved for gifts from God, like Kentucky bourbon, is simply a fact of life. Some people need to drink two to three liters of water a day to stay hydrated. Well, it’s the same for me, except I also need mine distilled from a fermented mash of grain and yeast, then aged in charred oak barrels for at least two years, otherwise my body starts shaking from dehydration.

If I listened to my so-called friends and supposed loving family members, who insist I have a serious problem, I’d be in a deep depression, humiliated by the thought that something might be wrong with me. Luckily, I don’t bend to peer pressure easily and prefer to do my own research. What I’ve concluded is that my alcohol intake is exactly where it needs to be, and those claiming to “have my best interests at heart” are just a bunch of bitches trying to tear a good—nay, great—man down.

Jealousy is a dangerous thing. People who hate their own lives often have nothing better to do than to find the life of the party and take shots at them. Is it my fault that I’m always the funniest person in the room whenever I’m drinking, and that I become increasingly hilarious with each subsequent drink, regardless of how many people leave the room with disgusted looks on their faces? That’s called envy, and my boy Jesus Christ of Nazareth, would not approve. I think he said it was one of those little commandments or some shit.

I wish people would just listen to me when I tell them my vices are nothing to worry about. If they were, would I be able to be on my third bottle while weaving in and out of traffic on this sick electric scooter I found abandoned inside my neighbor’s garage? I rest my case.

Friend with Stocked Fanny Pack Unaware She’s Six People’s Primary Care Physician

Posted on by Bibek Gurung

WARWICK, R.I. — Amanda Martinez, a 26-year-old known for always being prepared, unknowingly became the primary care physician for her group of underemployed friends, according to sources close to the situation.

“We all rely on Amanda,” said Tyler Morris, a former factory worker who has struggled with joint pain since being laid off from his job. “I thought I was doomed to chronic pain ever since I tore my rotator cuff, but now I just call Amanda. She always has a jar of Tiger Balm on her. She doesn’t realize it, but she’s also technically my PT. Ever since I got kicked off my parents’ insurance, instead of an insurance card in my wallet in case of emergencies, I have a card saying ‘No ambulance.’”

Martinez, who carries a well-stocked fanny pack at all times, remains unaware of her unofficial role.

“I just want to make sure I’m ready if anything comes up,” she explained while rummaging through her pack. “I’ve got Band-Aids, Advil, maybe some alcohol wipes. But I don’t understand why everyone has my number memorized. And my friends all tend to come to me when they have problems, maybe because I’m such a Virgo. Which I don’t mind because I love to listen,” Martinez continued, alluding to a trait that has made her the unwitting therapist of the group.

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has noted the growing reliance on friends like Martinez.

“Sixty percent of the American healthcare system is now sustained by friends with who took a few first-aid classes in high school and like to carry ointments,” he said. “According to the latest data, most hospital intake forms increasingly include Amanda Martinez’s contact information. Most Americans are one empty pouch away from medical ruin. This is a deeply precarious situation that needs to be addressed as soon as our wealthy donor class allows us.”

At press time, a lobby of insurance giants led by UnitedHealth Group was reportedly moving to shut down rural hospitals in favor of a new cost-saving initiative: replacing them with Fanny Pack Friends (FPF), a move expected to eliminate thousands of medical jobs nationwide.

Take This Short Quiz To Find Out What Animal Trent Reznor Would Fuck You Like!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Most people know Trent Reznor for his Academy Award-winning film scores with Atticus Ross but you may be surprised to know that he also wants to fuck all of us like animals! But what kind of animal? And are we both the animal or is one of us the animal and the other one is Trent Reznor fucking it? Or is Trent Reznor the animal fucking us, the humans? Anyways, take this short quiz to find out what animal Trent Reznor would fuck you like!

Which habitat best suits you?

A. Jungle
B. Ocean
C. Saginaw, Michigan
D. Hamster Cage

_____ is the most important trait for a lover to have.

A. Honor
B. Attentiveness
C. Handsome genitalia
D. Soft, furry belly

What is your favorite snack?

A. Raw meat
B. Worms
C. Currently? Pop Corners. All time? Kudos Bar.
D. Wood chips or whatever the fuck hamsters eat

When you are in bed with your partner, who initiates hanky panky?

A. You
B. Your partner
C. We enter each other at the same time, it is always a tie
D. Hamster

During whoopee you love it when your partner says this to you:

A. Oooooh!
B. Jesus! Ahhhh…Ahhhhhhhhh
C. Oh my damn! Shiiiit…yeah yeah…hold on wait…ok I’m good…Wait wait wait…
D. You want me to do what?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

A. No
B. Yes
C. I have astigmatism
D. Please make love to me like a hamster

Favorite Wayans Brother?

A. Keenan Ivory
B. Damon
C. Marlon
D. Shawn

When you are in the middle of a large crowd, you feel _____.

A. Great! I hate personal space and love all the different ways people can smell
B. Great! Anxious, but great!
C. Dead. This is not a safe crowd.
D. Look, are you going to fuck me like a hamster or not?

Hypothetically speaking, what animal do you think Trent Reznor would fuck you like?

A. Penguin
B. Hamster
C. See answer key below
D. What do you mean hamster was already taken?

Answer Key:

If you answered the corresponding letter 3 or more times, Trent Reznor would fuck you like a…

A. Bengal Tiger! Did you know Bengal tigers entice their mates with urine spray? Don’t worry, Trent will always urinate in the toilet but you will have to watch!

B. Seagull! Did you know male seagulls will stand on their partner’s back to signal they are ready to mate? Trent Reznor weighs 170 lbs, please be careful!

C. The Geico Gecko! Did you know the Geico Gecko fucks 50 times a day! I mean that guy FUCKS.

D. Hamster! You clearly want this very badly for whatever reason. Luckily, Trent is super polite and if you ask him to fuck you like a hamster, chances are he will fuck you like a hamster.