‘I Need To Have Kids to Leave a Legacy,’ Says Man Whose Legacy Will Be DUIs

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Local Payroll Specialist and office pest Derek Norton decided to prioritize having children as a means of carrying on his supposed “family legacy,” despite his true legacy still being his three DUIs, confirmed sources who witnessed the man come to this conclusion following a near death experience at an adults-only trampoline park last Friday evening. 

“I’m good breeding stock,” Norton incorrectly self-reported. “I have to have children to pass on my genes, which have an enormous tolerance for alcohol; my fine motor skills, which are fine enough to nearly dodge a school bus; and my pain tolerance, which can’t feel a nail even after it’s dug all the way through the meat of my foot. I mean let’s face it: without children and not counting the dent to the side of the Papa John’s, what does a man really leave behind?”

Still, the quest for love has not been an easy one for Norton, with potential partners seeming less than thrilled by his offer to “get inseminated on.” 

“There’s a tradition in Ohio to publicly shame the wine-os by making them get special license plates,” said Dana Haywood, who went on two Tinder dates with Norton a while back. “When Derek showed up to our first date with that license, I knew it was gonna be rough. But for several months now, he’s been trying to tell me differently. Well, good for him for trying, I guess.”

Even Norton’s family seems less than optimistic about his chances at reproduction. 

“Derek is a wonderful boy,” said his mother, Marilyn Norton. “He was on the football team in high school. And he survived crashing into the quarry. So he’s really our miracle baby. But in a realer, greater sense, he’s also a layabout and a stain on the family name. Let’s face it, kids are a blessing from the Lord above. And Derek, let’s face it, is not a very blessed man. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, God hates him.”

At press time, Derek Norton was attempting to pay the 19-year-old waitress at TGI Friday’s to blow into the breathalyzer tube that starts his car. More on this story as it develops.

Opinion: Legally, You Have To Tell Me if You’re a Member of the Blue Man Group if I Ask

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey man, I’ve noticed some things about you since you moved to Vegas. For one, you’ve completely shaved your head, and I’m not buying your bullshit about “male pattern baldness”, either. Your hair was like a goddamned lion’s mane the last time I saw you, and that fivehead isn’t going to suddenly show itself over the course of a couple months. Another thing, I saw your Honda Civic pull into the Luxor parking garage last Wednesday, and it just so happened that the Blue Man Group was performing there that night. So be straight: are you one of them? Legally, you have to tell me.

So go on, out with it. Have you, in fact, joined the famed performance art company that’s taken the world by storm for more than three decades? I flat-out asked you to your face, so it’s technically against the law for you to lie. I went to high school with a girl whose cousin was a member of the Blue Man Group, and when she asked him, he lied to her, and he ended up going to prison. I know this because she told me. Well, she didn’t, necessarily, but a guy who used to live next door to her did. Do you want to go to prison? We’re friends, but I’ll call the cops on you if I have to. 

Look, this situation can get ugly really fast. I know the rules, and I even thought about applying to law school before I learned that I likely wouldn’t get in without a high school diploma. Regardless, I’ve learned the ins and outs of our country’s justice system after several run-ins with my local police department. We don’t need to get into the details, but suffice it to say I thought that construction zone’s copper wire was free for the taking. So, what’s it going to be? Are you an anonymous, blue paint-slathered performance artist or not? I’m going to find out either way, so you might as well adhere to the legislation that governs our society and fess up to it.

I’ve made my case, and because we’re friends, I’m going to give you a few minutes to dwell on it. You’d better think carefully, and in the meantime, I’m starting to suspect that guy over there is in Cirque du Soleil, and he’d better be forthright with me if I approach him about it.

Chillinoutmaxxing Still Popular Among Willennials

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

PHILADELPHIA — Chillinoutmaxxing reportedly remains the defining trend among Willennials, with analysts noting an ever-increasing interest in the cultural attitudes and personal philosophies associated with the turn of the Willennium.

“I’ve been taking chillinoutmaxxing way more seriously lately,” said 39-year-old Marcus Denton while slowly spinning a basketball on one finger. “I try to keep it simple and spend most of my days at the playground, shooting the occasional game of B-ball. In this neighborhood, it’s all cool, you just sit back, relax, and avoid major confrontations, except maybe one little fight. But even though that got some people scared, including my mom, it’s not like I’m not gonna flip, turn upside-down my life, leave and move in with some random relatives in California because of a couple of no-good guys. I mean, that kinda thing isn’t typical, if anything I could say that it was rare.”

Cultural analyst Dana Mercer noted that while chillinoutmaxxing has long remained popular among Willennials, he has seen a noticeable uptick in adherence to its principles recently.

“Willennials are increasingly returning to many of the cultural practices associated with the late-90s and early-2000s era,” said Mercer. “It is very common for many practitioners to kick back, particularly in the summertime when the weather is high, waiting for somebody to ring-ding-dong-ding-diggity you at the cookout. You’ll often see them biting cigars without lighting them, boating offshore in 500-degree weather, and just generally going wicki-wicki-wild. Many Willennials have even embraced more recent but related activities like highly public personal humiliations and desperate attempts to convince everyone they’re still having fun no matter how sad and uncomfortable things have become.”

Will Smith, whom many consider the original chillinoutmaxxer, says he’s excited so many Willennials continue to embrace chillinoutmaxxing.

“It’s so great to see so many people who were alive during, uh, uh, and can remember, haha-haha, the turn of the Willennium continue to embrace chillinoutmaxxing,” said Smith. “You know, chillinoutmaxxing was never just about relaxing all cool, it’s honestly a whole willifestyle. And as long as you’re willilling to put in the willork, it’s never too willate to willive the willife you willant, you know, and seeing every Willennial willith that willenergy makes willeverything willorth-willhile.”

At press time, several Willennials were reportedly debating whether or not Will Smith had recently suffered a series of strokes.

Jackass Now the Strongest American Institution

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — As confidence in America fades globally and domestically, polls find that Jackass is now the only American institution people trust.

“The American Dream is dead,” declared Rick Dale, a DC pollster with no light in his eyes. “Pointless wars, reflecting pools, AIPAC-owned politicians, and a dominant billionaire class have left Americans struggling to hold on to their love of their country and culture. The only institution still standing uncorrupted and true is Jackass. Trust in government, healthcare, media, and law enforcement has all cratered, but seeing Johnny Knoxville get flipped over by a bull and knocked the fuck out? That still has 100% of Americans standing up and saluting.”

Jackass: Best and Last is in theaters now,  and Johnny Knocksville has confirmed there will be no further sequels. It’s been a good run, America. 

Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor

Posted on by Stephen Bell

DES MOINES, Iowa — Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to use as a shibari instructor, according to several sources familiar with the proud 23-year-old. 

“Whether it was being a surgeon, a sailor, or a cattle rancher, I always knew I wanted to use the knot tying skills the Boy Scouts of America taught me for some greater purpose,” said Bronson, currently heaving a tightly bound customer into the air. “Little did I know I’d find my calling as a shibari instructor in Iowa. It turns out that tightly winding rope around people’s genitals, fixing them into erotic positions, and using the cords to help people unlock a level of intimacy and spirituality never before experienced is my true calling. And it wouldn’t have been possible without my scout leaders!”

Customers of Bronson’s shibari instruction school were equally impressed by his ability to incorporate other scout skills into the activity. 

“Me and my boyfriend wanted to incorporate candle wax play into our session,” said newbie shibari enthusiast Meghan Burns. “Unfortunately we didn’t have a lighter or matches for the candles. But Jeff was able to show us how to build a fire with just two sticks and a lot of friction. His leather working badge also came in handy as we developed new bondage outfits for ourselves. The Boy Scouts really helped turn him into a one man kink machine!”

Not everyone was impressed by Bronson’s turn towards shibari instructor, including his former scout leader Guy Demars. 

“This is not exactly what I intended for Jeff when I taught him those knots,” said a frustrated Demars tightly clutching his Bible. “Maybe it was all the talk of whippings and the way Jesus was bound during his crucifixion that subconsciously affected him. But that wasn’t kinky, that was for the sins of humanity! I guess this was bound to happen after we let women and gays become Boy Scouts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to another settlement hearing about sexual abuse by scout leaders.” 

In related news, Bronson’s girlfriend Erika Cade has been putting her Girl Scout art merit badge to work as she has become one of the most popular Rule 34 artists on DeviantArt.

Ugh, Just Skip Him: This Make-A-Wish Kid Requested To Be a Cop for a Day

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has been giving special boys and girls a chance to live their dreams for well over four decades at this point, and has granted requests from meeting John Cena to visiting Disney World during that time. These kids have shown extraordinary bravery facing monsters most of us can’t even begin to fathom, and the organization has delighted in helping them forget their troubles, even if it’s only for a day. Nearly every one of their clients deserves the opportunity to experience some happiness while fighting their mighty battles, and we salute these tiny warriors and wish them all the best.

We say “nearly”, however, because of one exception. Meet 9-year-old Blake Hoffman of Winthrop Harbor, Illinois. This kid, who we once thought of as a cool, tough little dude, is currently fighting osteosarcoma, which is a type of bone cancer. Brett really enjoys playing baseball and Fortnite, and we considered him to be pretty cool until the Make-A-Wish Foundation contacted his family and discovered that he wanted to be a cop for a day.

Ugh, really? Is there a way they can just, like, skip him or something?

Seriously, what the hell is this little twerp’s problem? Doesn’t he pay any attention to the news? Cops are the bad guys; end of story. What kind of fucking psychopath sees riding around in a squad car harassing and assaulting minorities as a fun recreational activity? Also, does he think we don’t have enough policing in this goddamn country, and his local squad could use an extra hand? Save yourself the effort, Blake, and just schedule an extra chemotherapy session instead. 

While we’re at it, will the world really be better off if Blake fights his little heart out and beats this awful disease? We’re not saying we’re hoping for the alternative, but unless he profoundly changes trajectory, he’s just going to grow into another limpdick bully with a badge. We have far too many of those motherfuckers in this country as it is. Seriously, we hope Blake pulls through, but if he doesn’t, we just won’t be crying as hard as we did when that kid who wanted to meet Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed. 

In conclusion, while we fully support the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s mission, we think there should be some exceptions. Maybe if they skipped Blake, that would give him some time to ruminate on the life decisions that led him to this point. It’s not called the Make-A-Bootlicker’s-Wish Foundation for a reason.

Tall Guy at Local Show Pretty Sure Female Bass Player in Love With Him After Two Instances of Accidental Eye Contact

Posted on by Max Astle

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local 6’4” man Kyle Beebe is reportedly convinced that the bass player for touring band Skab Kickers is deeply in love with him after the two locked eyes a few times during a recent show, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, it just really felt like we were vibing, ya know? I always love seeing women playing music in the scene. I support women fully, so whenever there’s one playing at a local show I typically like to really lock in and stare at them for their whole set to show my support,” said Beebe after Skab Kickers finished their last song. “The first time we made eye contact probably didn’t mean anything. Just a stolen moment. But that second time we locked eyes, time really stopped for me. We were practically banging. Just really feeding off of each others’ positive energy.”

One of Beebe’s friends also in attendance called into question the magic of this moment.

“Things got pretty uncomfortable when Kyle leaned over to me and loudly said, ‘this bassist wants to do me nasty-style’ right when the band’s fourth song abruptly ended and everyone was really quiet. I think it dissuaded people from applauding,” reported the very short Mike Bledsoe. “I don’t think the bassist was actually reciprocating any interest at all, but I can’t claim to understand the power of eye contact. I typically only go up to other peoples’ torsos, so eye-to-belly-button or eye-to-nipple contact is the best I can do.”
Emma Wiltern, the bass player in question, confirmed that feelings were indeed not mutual.

“I guess we did lock eyes for like one total second? His head was kind of just levitating above everyone else’s so it was impossible to miss. I don’t know, I didn’t think anything of it until he blurted out the thing about doing it nasty-style,” said Wiltern. “I didn’t realize how tall he really was until he came up to me after the show to let me know that the one song I sang lead on reminded him of ‘this band called Paramore.’”

Later that night, Beebe was seen at a local grocery store making out with a box of Frosted Flakes on the top shelf after he believed Tony the Tiger was giving him “fuck me” eyes.

If You Are Reading This Hard Times Headline, You Are ANTIFA, and You Have Already Been Sentenced to 100 Years in Prison

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear reader and threat to America, 

As you are probably aware, a group of 9 anti-ICE protestors recently received abnormally long sentences for their involvement in a demonstration that led to one police officer being wounded. The severity of their punishments is due to their ties to ANTIFA, the totally real terrorist organization, which these protestors were declared members of by evidence as damaging as the possession of left-leaning zines. We understand that many of you are angry over this. Well, good news, you’ll see those 9 protestors again very soon! 

If this headline has even made it in front of your eyeballs, you are a dangerous member of the ANTIFA terror organization, and you will be imprisoned for 100 years. 

Don’t worry, your trial has already been held. Once you bend the law to the point where you can use possession of fucking zines to not only convict people but sentence them to more than quadruple the time their crimes would normally warrant, the sky is the limit! We convinced a judge in Texas to extend the sentencing of those rioters to anyone who has read materials we deem illicit. 

Oh, you lost your trial, by the way. 100 years in prison, see ya never. 

Even if you manage to get it overturned in the courts, it will take so long that the rapture will have already happened by then, so there’s really no point in making a big fuss here. Just take the ‘L’ and shuffle off calmly to prison for the rest of your natural life. 

How is this dangerous literature? Isn’t this protected by some sort of satire or parody law? Well, yes, that sounds true, but think of what must be peppered into some of these “joke” articles. Surely, while making fun of us for shooting innocent Americans in cold blood or committing war crimes or violating the constituti-whateverthefuck, they’ve accidentally included details about how to legally observe ICE, or pressure your elected officials into voting against the Trump agenda. In other words, how to commit terrorism. 

We’ve also received word that they’ve been critical of capitalism, going so far as to call it imperfect. Come on guys, you had to know this day was coming. 

It’s not just you pinko punks getting rounded up, either. All satire carries the risk of criticism, and that’s a risk our flacid egos aren’t willing to take. We’re building a network of camps for anyone who has ever read The Onion, a mandatory re-education facility for anyone who follows Reductress, and an insane Asylum for fans of Clickhole, but one of those old-timey ones where they just electrocute you, even though they know that doesn’t work and probably, if anything, makes people more insane.  

Babylon Bee, never a false note out of you guys, you just keep on keepin’ on. 

We know what ACAB means, okay?! You think we don’t, but guess what, we do! It took us like 12 years, but we’ve narrowed it down to either something about cops being bad or some kind of sex position, and either way, naughty! 

Oh, but “ANTIFA isn’t a real organization, it’s basically just a meme shared by people who oppose fascism,” you’re probably whining. But see, that’s the beauty of it! In the past, when the government wanted to take down a group, we needed to have all these charts and records of who’s who and which disenter is leading what faction and blah blah blah — headache! But with ANTIFA being completely decentralized by not existing, anyone we don’t like can just be an ANTIFA! All we need you to do is like a comment about how we shouldn’t have blown up a school full of “innocent” school children, and boom, you’re basically a Weatherman. 

“But even if ANTIFA were real, which it provably isn’t, there are no standalone laws regarding domestic terrorist organizations!” one of you freaks who actually reads PBS News will probably point out. And like, yeah, we know! That’s why we issued cruel and unusual punishments for crimes that do exist! It’s called exploiting the system, and we never do it, and we’re AWESOME at it. 

While you’re serving your century, you can think about the, on average, 2 months to 3.5 years sentence you tried to give those poor, misunderstood January 6th rioters before Trump set them free.

IMPORTANT: Please Review These Rules Before Entering Lee Greenwood’s Fuck-a-Fan Contest

Posted on by Tim Sheard

At this point, you have undoubtedly heard of American country singer Lee Greenwood’s Fuck-A-Fan contest, and chances are high that you’ve already registered. However, if this is not yet the case, we’ve taken the liberty of posting the rules here so you can be aware of what is being asked of all contestants. This will ensure the winner is chosen through a safe, fair, and most importantly, pleasurable process. Please read below.

  1. All applicants must be American citizens who are at least 18 years of age.

This should go without speaking, as Mr. Greenwood is nothing if not a patriot who refuses to penetrate or be penetrated by anyone who’s not a fellow, legal citizen of consenting age. He may openly support a pedophile president, but that does not mean he is one himself.

  1. All applicants must provide proof of purchase for Mr. Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A. Bible.

This is non-negotiable. The legendary Grammy Award winner will not be fucking anybody without an assurance that they, too, are bound for heaven, and we all know that is only a destination made attainable through buying his personalized version of the Word of the Lord.

  1. All applicants must provide a clean STI test, but NOT a clean COVID test.

Mr. Greenwood is well aware that COVID-19 is a liberal hoax, and expects anyone he fucks to share in this knowledge. He also has no interest in catching gonorrhea again.

  1. Only applicants residing in solid red states will be considered.

While we certainly sympathize with country fans who are currently trapped in the hellscapes of states like California and New York, we cannot in good conscience allow them to sully history’s greatest country musician with their polluted orifices. Liberalism is a disease, and there are mountains of evidence demonstrating that it is sexually transmitted.

  1. Any resulting pregnancies must be carried to term.

It is vital that all applicants are aware of this, as Mr. Greenwood refuses to use condoms, and his approach to the famed “pull-out method” has slowed significantly ever since he entered his eighth decade. As a God-fearing American, he obviously believes babies are a gift from Jesus Christ, and expects his future fuck-partner to feel the same. While this is by no means an assurance that he will provide monetary or emotional support to the mother of any future child, he has graciously agreed to arrange for a signed photo to be sent upon receipt of the official birth certificate.

There you have it. Please be sure to complete your application by Christmas. Good luck and God Bless!

Dave Mustaine Too Busy Filing Complaints With Amoeba Music’s Manager To Record ‘What’s in My Bag?’ Segment

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Legendary thrash musician and Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine was too busy complaining to the manager of Amoeba Music to record his “What’s in My Bag?” segment, sources report.

“I was asked to stop in to film this segment during the LA stop of our tour,” Mustaine said. “At first, I thought it was a great idea, as I could buy five Megadeth albums and talk about how much better my solos are than Kirk Hammett’s, but I noticed the temperature in the building wasn’t quite to my liking, so I thought I’d give my two cents to some nearby staff members. They weren’t quick enough to fix the issue for me, so of course I requested to speak to the manager. While I was at it, I also mentioned how disrespectful it is that they only have two copies of ‘Risk’ on vinyl. Needless to say, I didn’t have time to film.”

Camera operator Todd Fairbanks recounted his experience trying to complete the segment.

“Figures I get called in to work on Mustaine day,” Fairbanks said. “Does he not know how much of a hassle it is to get everything all set up and ready to film? We stood around for three hours while he complained to management before we finally called it quits. Seriously, the last thing I saw before I walked out of the building was him yelling at management for not putting his band’s records in the front and center of the store. I guess this one’s on us for thinking we could get him to stop bitching about something for long enough to talk about his purchases.”

Manager Deonte Griswold was the unlucky target of Mustaine’s ire.

“I’ve been working here for three years, and he’s by far the most annoying customer I’ve ever seen,” Griswold observed. “It’s like he was born to be an obnoxious asshole. I mean, the guy totally lost his shit when ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ played on our loudspeaker, as if I’m the one who curates the playlists here. I didn’t think anything could be worse than the experience we had when Glenn Danzig came in, but I stand corrected. I’ll be so happy when we stop inviting famous musicians in here, because most of them fucking suck as human beings.”

At press time, Mustaine was seen starting his own competing record shop after getting kicked out of Amoeba.

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