Aging Punk Worried He’s Getting Too Old to Sell Out

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Paul Wallace, a 43-year-old punk from Boyle Heights, recently came to the sobering conclusion that he might be getting too old to abandon his long held anti-capitalist beliefs and become a shameless sellout, his family has confirmed.

“I’ve never once regretted any of my life choices. But this morning I woke up with a clarity that was induced by chronic back pain and $6 in my savings account and thought maybe I shouldn’t have spent the last 25 years being the neighborhood’s journeyman drummer and promoting scene unity. But at this point in my life it might be too late to sell out and get a corporate 9-to-5 office job with health benefits,” said Wallace. “I’ve been testing the waters a bit, like having my neck tattoos removed and paying for food from Erewhon instead of walking out without paying. I just don’t want to be in my 70s and still be wondering how everything would’ve turned out if I’d only auditioned for Maroon 5.”

Wallace’s wife was surprised that he was even considering becoming a sellout.

“Watching Paul make music with his friends and scream ‘ACAB’ at police horses is what made me fall in love with him in the first place. So when he strolled into the kitchen wearing a clean polo and khakis I nearly threw up,” said Felicia Wallace. “The window to live a boring milquetoast life in the suburbs has already passed. Besides, he’d probably regret it after six months and go back to playing gigs at ICE protests, like he was meant to do.”

Local therapists noted a mid-life crisis could manifest itself in untraditional ways.

“Unlike a typical existential crisis where an individual wants to let loose after finding themselves living in a prison they built for themselves, I’ve seen many punks hit their 40s and immediately begin second-guessing their decision to not trading in their guitars and get a job in finance and a beige sedan,” said Dr. Veronica Hendricks. “It’s very common to believe the grass is greener on the other side when you’ve lived your life a certain way for a long period of time. But in my experience, anyone with an anti-conformity stance reverts back to their old ways the second they find themselves thanking a police officer for their service.”

As of press time, Felicia Wallace was horrified to learn her husband joined a band that was opening for Coldplay.

Oh, You’re a Cradle of Filth Fan? Name Three H.P. Lovecraft Stories

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey you. Yeah, you with the choker and the “Vestal Masturbation” shirt. Wow, you really bought that. And you’re wearing that in public. Better you than me, I guess. I don’t need snowflakes yelling at me for wearing a t-shirt.

You must really like Cradle of Filth. I like ’em because they answer the question, “What if Tim Burton adapted an Ann Rice novel?” Cradle’s great and all, but being a fan requires a lotta kayfabe. Hell, if you wanna enjoy Cradle’s music, you need a bigger suspension of disbelief than watching Tara Reid play an archaeologist.

Anyway, since you’re such a Cradle fan, name three stories by H.P. Lovecraft.

“The Call of Cthulhu”? Too obvious. Metallica named a song after it. But since we’re talking Cradle of Filth, let’s talk about their song “Cthulhu Dawn.” Even with lines like “Halitosis of the soul” and “So begins the sibilant world death knell,” it’s skippable because it’s one of their less pretentious tracks. The premier Cradle songs make you cringe when quoted. If Dani Filth’s lyrics were a person, they’d be the dude at Cons who says “M’lady” as he tips his trilby.

“Beyond the Wall of Sleep”? C’mon. You know that one because of Black Sabbath. This story really doesn’t jive with Cradle, though. The sci-fi narrative doesn’t allow for backwards Yoda-speak like “Uncertain words my heart denied” from “Blackest Magick In Practice” and archaic language favored by Dani like “thy,” “thou,” and “thee.” Dani is only really himself when he sounds like a Lord of the Rings character, after all.

“The Dunwich Horror”? There we go. Sure sounds like a Cradle song, doesn’t it? It ain’t, but a line like “[T]he fireflies come out in abnormal profusion to dance to the raucous, creepily insistent rhythms of stridently piping bullfrogs” certainly sounds like Dani’s awesomely ostentatious writing. His try-hard poetry has always been a “fuck you” to rationality and good taste, and the band’s better for it.

So yeah, Cradle of Filth does everything to excess. Then again, Lovecraft sometimes does that, too. As soon as Dani’s done being sued by his former bandmates, maybe he’ll have time to go full Lovecraft on the next Cradle record. Heavily-ringed fingers crossed.

Inept Sex Talk Has Son Wondering If Dad Somehow Virgin

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

CLEVELAND — Following a vague, inaccurate, and oddly theoretical explanation of human reproduction, local 13-year-old Kyle Hartley is reportedly beginning to suspect his father may somehow still be a virgin, sources confirmed Monday.

“It sounded like he was describing something he’d read about once in a pamphlet from a dentist’s office, or maybe just heard in passing,” said Kyle Hartley, becoming increasingly skeptical and concerned the more he thought about it. “His hand gestures alone seemed way off. At one point he drew two stick figures holding hands with a dotted line between them labeled ‘maybe here.’ I know this is the first time I’m hearing any of this, but I feel incredibly confident that none of this can be right.“

The boy’s father, 47-year-old Doug Hartley, who had reportedly spent three days preparing notes for the conversation, attempted to clarify his remarks.

“So, uh, when a man… and a woman… decide to, you know, uh, take things up a notch, there’s a kind of… it’s less about the physical mechanics and more… ,” Doug Hartley said, as he avoided eye contact and searched for the right words. “There’s like, an energy, and a timing, and making sure everything sort of, lines up, you know, the way it’s supposed to. I mean, you don’t want to rush it, because then it won’t… then it doesn’t work, right? You can’t overthink this kind of thing, but you can, you know what I mean?”

Kyle Hartley’s mother, Susan Hartley, who overheard the entire conversation, admitted she was now questioning her husband’s sexual history.

“He told our son to ‘keep his socks on so his feet don’t get confused,’ and that ‘the whole thing takes about as long as a microwave burrito,’” said Susan Hartley, staring blankly at her wine glass. “We’ve been married for 19 years. We have a teenager. Clearly at some point we must have… but is it possible? Did Doug somehow get through all of this without ever actually — no. No, that’s insane. Right? No. No… Right?”

At press time, a flop-sweating Doug Hartley was reportedly asking his son if he had any follow-up questions about “the mutual agreement zone.”

Show-Off at Concert Waving Lit Torch

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

DENVER — A number of attendees at a recent performance complained about one show-off in the crowd for waving a massive torch along with other showgoers’ lighters and flashlights during the band’s slower numbers, confirmed sources coughing while doing their best to avoid getting singed.

“There’s nothing like looking around at a show when the tempo drops and seeing that everybody’s teary eyed, all connected, waving their Bics in harmony,” said Valerie Berns, who was directly behind the man during the set. “It’s spiritual. But, of course, some people need to make that moment about them, like this dude. I get it, we all want memories, but is it too much to ask to not turn other people’s heads into barbecue? I didn’t come here for third-degree burns.”

While the venue received a number of complaints about the showboat’s choice of vibey solidarity device, his position squarely in the middle of the crowd shielded him from security dousing his torch.

“Lighters are dated, and cell phone flashlights make the audience look like a constellation,” said torch-bearer Drew Morrison. “Sorry, no band’s impressed by your Samsung Galaxy, pal. I want a performer to notice me, so I need to put on a little show of my own. That’s why I break out a big, kerosene-soaked beast of a torch for the songs that call for it, and just go to town. I look like I’m trying to kill a fly, and I have had a number of bands both notice me and ban me from their shows for it.”

A number of the musicians on stage did acknowledge Morrison’s antics, an undeniably impressive feat for an otherwise random face in a concert crowd.

“I saw the guy with the torch in the crowd, yeah,” said Sawyer Leeds, rhythm guitarist. “While part of me was impressed by him getting the thing through security in the first place, a bigger part of me was so distracted by the danger he posed to everybody, so I kind of just zoned out and Phished it for a bit. It was our longest show as a result, so. I guess that’s something?”

At press time, a number of audience members were seen holding their lighters together, creating a sort of hybrid flame to pull focus away from Morrison, which ultimately succeeded in distracting the band even further and landing a number of people pretty ugly hand burns.

Epstein Suicide Note Oddly Resembles Courtney Love’s Handwriting

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

SEATTLE — A Federal judge recently released the alleged suicide note of Jeffrey Epstein, prompting a handwriting analyst from Seattle, Washington, to make the shocking claim that parts of the note look suspiciously similar to Courtney Love’s handwriting.

“If you examine the note closely, you can see that it’s written in two distinct styles,” said handwriting analyst Herman Bloom. “The first part, where it says ‘To Boddah,’ looks completely different than the part where Epstein whines about Donald Trump forgetting to put plastic down in his suite before his ‘pee pee playdate.’ In fact, the main body of the note looks more like Epstein just writing out a list of grievances than a plan to kill himself. Only the beginning and the end—the parts that just so happen to match Love’s handwriting–resemble a suicide note.”

Bloom offered no insight as to what motive Love would have to fake Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide, but Dave Grohl, of Foo Fighters fame and Love’s frequent adversary, has a theory.

“Oh, she’s definitely been to the island,” said Grohl, alluding to Love visiting Epstein’s notorious private sex island, Little Saint James. “And I’m totally not just saying that out of spite because she gets a cut of Nirvana royalties. She was afraid that Epstein would eventually spill the beans, so she ‘took care of it’ before he could say anything. I’m not saying she’s done this sort of thing before, but I’m not not saying that, feel me?” 

Love denies writing any part of Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide note and says she never even met the late financier and sex criminal.

“Look, I’ve met my share of sex pests,” said Love while using one cigarette to light another. “Harvey Weinstein, Marilyn Manson, but never this Jeffrey Epstein guy. I don’t know anything about him other than that he trafficked kids, he was rich, and he couldn’t help my career in any way.” 

At press time, at least 9 documentaries blaming Love for the suicide have sprung into development. 

We Asked 5 Americans if They Could Spot the Difference Between the Australian and New Zealand Flags, and They Just Started Crying and Asked for Healthcare

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

Americans are widely known to be ignorant about the rest of the world: many can’t even point out foreign countries on a map, let alone discern the nuances of the Australian and New Zealand flags. 

We asked five Americans if they could spot the differences between them, and would you believe it? Every single one of them broke down crying and begged us for healthcare. 

Does the Australian or New Zealand flag have more stars? 

Tory Francis, Baltimore: 

“I’m sorry, I can’t really focus on this right now because I can’t get my Adderall prescription filled because my health insurance keeps changing, and then they keep sending my prescription to Rite Aid, which doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve been on the phone for five hours. I feel like I was just stabilizing and now this… I don’t know. I just don’t know.”  

Which flag has four 5-pointed red stars with white borders?

Nika Robin, Kansas City: 

“Do you guys have any spare antibiotics lying around? I’m pretty sure I have a UTI, but I can’t afford insurance, and also, I make too much money for Planned Parenthood’s sliding scale.”

Which flag features the Commonwealth Star, with seven points representing the Federation? 

Christopher Oakly, Albany: 

“What? Sorry, I’m listening to a free meditation app to deal with my anxiety. The other day, I was hyperventilating, so I had to go to the ER because I wasn’t sure if I was having a heart attack or a panic attack, and now I have to pay thousands of dollars for them to tell me it was a panic attack, and now the extreme debt I’m in is possibly giving me further panic attacks.”

Okay, here’s an easy one: Why do both flags feature the Union Jack? 

Braydon Travis, Berkely: 

“Not to be weird, but do you mind taking a look at this rash? It’s either shingles or a new plague. I just aged out of my parents’ health insurance, and also they refused to vaccinate me.”

Keeping it simple: Here are pictures of both the Australian and New Zealand flags. Which is which? 

Madison Hollis, Denton: 

“So I actually know the difference, but my glasses broke, and my job doesn’t provide vision insurance, so these are too blurry for me to tell.”

There you have it folks! Americans don’t know jack shit. We would have interviewed more people, but we’re dealing with an impacted molar and sure as hell don’t have dental.

Report: 75% of Boomer Men Adding Instagram Porn Bots to Their Living Wills and Testaments

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — AARP Magazine released a startling study this week that approximately 75% of boomer babies are changing their living wills and testaments to name the porn bots they interact with online as sole beneficiaries, those within the organization have confirmed.

“We surveyed millions of families about passing down their wealth, and we were shocked to find three out of four men had living wills that thrown their children and spouses under the bus and instead stipulated all their money and possessions would be left in the hands of social media porn bot accounts on Instagram, Threads, and X,” said Ernest Johnson. “Hell, some of these spam accounts literally have the power of attorney to legally pull the plug. I guess these are the boomers who, when they were younger, thought the stripper liked them.”

One of the surveyed boomers maintained he was making the right call.

“Adult protective services my ass, I’m of sound mind and body and I want my online girlfriend to have my estate. At least she doesn’t nag me to no end like my dumbass kids with ‘her profile picture is being used for ten other accounts’ and ‘please we need that money for Janie’s college.’ Well Sophie894_0 is getting every red cent, because unlike my asshole kids she didn’t put me in a home and block Fox News on my TV,” said Michael Cooper. “Even though she doesn’t respond for days to my compliments about her tits, I know she has my best interests in mind. It’s good to be in love.” 

Those responsible for the porn bot accounts admittedly were just as surprised as the researchers.

“My bot farm only meant to swindle some Amazon gift cards from incels, and the next thing I know all these old dudes are sending me love messages and naming my handles in their wills. Which is great and all, but now if I want the money I also need to figure out how an AI anime girl is supposed to arrange hospice care,” said Dimitri Petrov of St. Petersberg, Russia. “I thought Americans being this gullible was just a myth, but a bunch of these fools have named two or three of my accounts in their wills. God bless social media.”

The study also went on to reveal even 75% of Gen X men would leave their spouses and run away with the porn bots if asked.

Local Man Waiting to Form All of Opinion Before Hearing the Facts

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

DENVER — Local man Tyler Gibbons reportedly confirmed Tuesday that he is waiting to form all of his opinion before hearing any of the facts, confirmed sources.

“I’ve found it’s just easier to lock everything in up front. This ensures my views remain consistent and unaffected by new information, which tends to introduce unnecessary doubt into otherwise solid positions,” Gibbons said, noting that he prefers to reach a complete and fully formed conclusion as early as possible. “If you start bringing facts into it too soon, you really risk complicating things or even changing your mind, which is unnecessary and counterproductive to having a strong stance, especially when you already know how you should feel about it.”

Friends of Gibbons said he has become increasingly disciplined in avoiding any information that might interfere with his conclusions.

“He’s been really careful lately,” said longtime friend Marcus Lee. “He won’t read articles, won’t watch videos, and if someone starts explaining what actually happened, he’ll just walk away. He’s even started forming strong opinions about situations that haven’t happened yet, just so he’s not caught off guard when they do, and so he doesn’t have to adjust anything once more details start coming out. He told me it’s actually better this way because he only has to think about it once. At this point, he’s usually already passionately in his position on something before anyone else has even heard about whatever he is defending.”

Experts in psychology noted that such behavior reflects a broader tendency among individuals to prioritize internal consistency over accuracy.

“Forming an opinion before encountering the facts can help individuals maintain a stable sense of identity,” explained psychologist Dr. Rachel Kim. “By avoiding exposure to any context, details, or nuance, they reduce the likelihood of cognitive dissonance and protect themselves from having to reassess their deeply held unexamined beliefs. This is especially important for individuals who place a high value on believing they appear confident, where any introduction of new information would serve only to destabilize that belief rather than improve it.”

At press time, Gibbons was reportedly finalizing his stance on several breaking developments he had not yet learned about, describing his positions as “pretty locked in” despite having no idea what any of them involved, and expressing confidence that any future facts would ultimately support what he had already decided.

The Only Difference Between “Tax the Rich” and a Racial Slur Is I Don’t Become Erect When I Say “Tax the Rich” – Guest Post by Steven Roth

Posted on by Dan Rice

In America today, there is one group of people who have it harder than anyone else. Every day, they face prejudice, every day they are kept down, every day they are the subject of widespread mockery and slander in the media. I’m talking, of course, about multi-millionaire property wonders. 

My name is Steven Roth. You probably don’t know me because I’m usually one of those shadowy, behind-the-scenes rich guys, not one of those out in the open deliberate distraction Elon types, but yes, I am a rich American, and it’s time for me to make my voice heard. I speak for all rich Americans, or persons of wealth, when I say we’re tired of the hurtful things you all say so flippantly. Things like “Hey, you should pay your fair share like everyone else” and “tax the rich!” As someone qualified to speak on the rich experience in America, I can assure you that that three-word phrase is every bit as hurtful and destructive as the worst ethnic slurs. The only thing that makes “tax the rich” any different than the hate speech is the fact that my penis does not become immediately engorged when I shout it angrily. 

We’re supposed to be living in a time of tolerance, where PC cancel culture has gone and run amok, and yet any Tom, Dick, or Harry can freely say something so hurtful to my people with no consequence? It’s total hypocrisy! Honestly, it’s getting me so mad I’ve got half a mind to shout all the bad words for Chinese and furiously masturbate right now! On an unrelated note, I’ll be right back. 

Okay, I’m back. Just where the hell does a terrorist like Mamdani get off fostering such resentment toward my people?! I truly don’t see how his implying I should surrender the portion of my vast wealth I am legally obliged to give is any different from me calling him a… well, you know. Unrelated, I need another quick break, brb. 

Okay, I’m back. Is it hot in here? I’m feeling dehydrated. The point is, wealthy Americans are the backbone of this nation’s economy, the same economy that breaks so many of this nation’s great, actual backbones. I just sort of feel like, when you’re the backbone of something, you should be exempt from supporting it in any way. You want me, instead, to give you money?! Money that I only have a lot of?! You might as well tattoo a number into my arm and literally throw my entire family into an oven. 

I dream of a day when people are judged not by the color of their skin, or the content of their character, or how much wealth they horde while millions starve, but by what a fully AI-generated media landscape tells them to think. Also, by the color of their skin. Until that day, me and my brothers in wealth will just have to keep on keeping on. 

Environmentally Conscious Man Gives Up Drinking Water to Counteract His Rampant AI Usage

Posted on by Billy Patterson

BETHESDA, Md. — Local conservationist Martin Sinclair vowed to stop drinking water in order to offset the environmental impact of his constant use of AI tools, virtuous sources confirmed. 

“Everyone knows that AI wastes a tremendous amount of water,” said Sinclair, executing a quick ChatGPT prompt to confirm his facts. “And as someone who needs to use AI platforms to do my job, get my news, draft my emails, form my opinions, generate my entertainment, customize my pornography, and be my therapist, that weighs heavily on my conscience. That’s why I’ve sworn to cease all of my water consumption — no drinking, no bathing, no laundry, and I will be eating my pasta dry. We only have one earth, and I intend to do everything I can to protect her.”

Megan Ortiz, a friend of Sinclair’s, confirms the seriousness of his convictions, but is less than happy with the results.

“Martin was annoying enough when he was just spending 10 hours a day generating AI content, but now that he stopped drinking water he’s even more insufferable,” Ortiz stated. “He made a big show of sending his water back to the kitchen at lunch the other day, before showing the waiter a five-minute AI video of Garfield breakdancing. He’s always criticizing me for my energy usage and frowning when I wash my hands, and he won’t stop sending me typo-filled AI infographics about rainforest depletion. But I would forgive all his AI slop and obnoxious moralizing if he’d just take a fucking shower.”

Sinclair’s stance is one that is supported by the AI industry, according to Christian Golesh, founder and CEO of the artificial intelligence systems company Aurelium.

“As a leader in the AI space, I take the environmental impact of our platforms very seriously,” said Golesh. “Our data centers require quite a bit of water, and obviously there’s no way to cut back on that without jeopardizing our stock valuation and the broader global market. So instead we’ve instituted a company-wide ‘green pledge,’ removing all sinks and air conditioners from our offices, limiting our employees to 6oz of hydration per day, and encouraging people around the world to limit their water intake. It’s on all of us to help preserve this beautiful, delicate AI bubble.”

At press time, Sinclair had reversed his stance and begun drinking water again after an AI chatbot told him that concerns over data center water consumption were overblown.