Pope Leo Says No Place for Hate in World Except Towards White Sox Front Office

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VATICAN CITY — His Holiness Pope Leo XIV proclaimed that hatred of any kind has no place in God’s Kingdom, except when it’s directed at the Chicago White Sox front office, according to gossiping cardinals. 

“Listen up, pilgrims! It’s incumbent upon us to stop spreading so much disdain toward our fellow man, unless it’s aimed at those morons who’ve been running the White Sox into the ground,” said an angered Pontiff. “Love and forgiveness are what makes us human. However, the Church has concluded that it’s impossible to apply them to those bozos who’ve turned my home team into the laughingstock of the league. Jesus Christ was known for turning the other cheek, but even he would be absolved for loathing the guts of those executives responsible for unforgivable sins like trading Fernando Tatis Jr. to the Padres for overrated James Shields, or flipping Marcus Semien and Chris Bassitt to Oakland for that bum Jeff Samardzija.” 

Lucio Romera, who traveled to see the Holy Father, was confused by his decree.

“I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but that really came out of left field,” said Romera as he kissed his Rosary. “The Vicar of Christ is known for his deep understanding of scripture, but I couldn’t figure out what point he was trying to make in relation to baseball. I’m sure there was some profound meaning behind it, yet when he very aggressively invoked the power of the Almighty to excommunicate Rick Hahn for getting fleeced by Andrew Benintendi for 75 million dollars, we were all kind of left scratching our heads.”

Religious scholar Tim Mantra explained that many earlier popes also made exceptions to their universal love doctrine 

“It’s not commonly known, but most popes have been a bit selective with their message of understanding,” said Mantra. “The first pope, Saint Peter the Apostle, in addition to despising  hypocrisy and the mistreatment of the poor, also harbored an intense abhorrence for anyone who slurped their millet porridge. And most famously, Pope John Paul II was known for his tender heart, except when it came to the creators of ‘Seinfeld,’ whom he cursed daily for that ‘blasphemous’ series finale.”

At press time, Pope Leo was rumored to be redirecting several prayers he had set aside for world peace into asking for a massive swarm of ravenous locusts to descend upon the home of White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf.

Not Bad! My Dentist Found Two Cavities, but at Least Sade Is Playing  

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

I’ve been going to Dr. Lin since I was four years old, and for the last 30 years, she has always played 94.7 The Wave. Yes, that’s a smooth jazz station. Smooth jazz is a broad term here — they play plenty of R&B, neo-soul, and trip-hop. I wouldn’t have it any other way. When I outgrew the thrills of dozens of old Highlights magazines, Zoobooks, and a fading Patrick Nagel poster, I was finally able to soak in the sultry delights of “Mercy Mercy Me,” “Forget Me Nots,” and, of course, “Smooth Operator.”

With her hands in my mouth and sophisti-pop in my ears, she asks me questions about life, career, and family. She interrupts me halfway through my gagged answer to inform me of the unthinkable: she found two cavities in my back molars. I can’t believe it — I made it to 37 and have never had a cavity. I did get a root canal once from doing too much blow, but never a cavity.

In times like this, I remind myself of the importance of keeping things in perspective: Dr. Lin is one of the few constants in my disappointing life. She’s shown more interest in me than any of my exes and even my current girlfriend. With my hometown of Los Angeles rapidly changing into a sterilized dystopia filled with luxury apartments with all the charm of urgent cares, Dr. Lin’s office is a vortex undefiled by gentrification. Dr. Lin won’t be around forever, so despite these oral bumps in the road, listening to “When Am I Going to Make a Living?” while she fills the holes in my teeth is one of the simple pleasures I can afford myself in these bleak times.

This experience alone has forced me to adopt an optimist’s point of view on life. She drills and drills while “Why Can’t We Live Together” plays. Two tracks from Diamond Life back to back ain’t nothing to sneeze at. I ruminate on how my favorite childhood deli burned down and is about to be rebuilt as a combo Tesla-branded, take-out-only sando shop, but then I hear “Cherry Pie.” She hits a nerve, but I am having an out-of-body experience, damn it.

Dr. Lin asks me what my dad has been up to since he retired, and since it’s no simple answer, I decide to just pretend I didn’t hear her to avoid a bloody tongue. Instead, I ponder the lyrics: “Everybody wants to live, everybody wants to be together… no matter, no matter what color, you’re still my brother…” — and realize I just need to play this song for my girlfriend and she’ll stop arguing with me. Thank you, Sade.

Broken Credit Card Reader Momentarily Transforms Restaurant Into Cool, Cash Only Dive Bar

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SUNRISE, Fla. — Local family restaurant Callahan’s revamped their business model after a malfunctioning credit card machine momentarily turned the establishment into a trendy cash only dive bar, staff have confirmed.

“I was bracing for customers to lose their shit when the card reader went down and we announced that it’s cash only for the foreseeable future. Not only has everyone been cool about it, they’ve only been buying cheap beers, loading up ‘70s hard rock on the Touchtunes, and somebody brought in a dart board from their car,” said bartender Kyle Richards. “Suddenly all the goofy shit and local high school paraphernalia seems less tacky, and nobody is acting like an entitled asshole. I might just smash the card reader up with a hammer and keep this vibe going all weekend.”

Customers agreed there was considerable change in the ambiance once the restaurant became cash only.

“Twenty minutes ago our kids were knocking over glasses and screaming for their iPad. The minute our server said they couldn’t accept credit cards for at least another hour, it felt like my wife and I were transported to our early 20s when we used to bar hop to see shows in dimly lit working class dives. We could sit here and slam PBRs and whiskey shots all night,” said patron Alex Keller. “I always pegged this place as a shittier Applebees, but this is a top tier revamp. If they let us smoke in here tonight this might be our new regular bar.”

Across the street, rival restaurant owner Tom McKnight could not help but envy Callahan’s sudden good fortune.

“Those lucky bastards. The internet is down all over the block and of course they’re the ones who spin it into a gimmick. This is just like the time Hurricane Francine tore through and they rebranded as an open swim up bar,” said McKnight. “I knew I shouldn’t have comped everyone’s meal. Their line is out the goddamn door! Where are all these cash carrying punks and hipsters coming from?”

As of press time, Callahan’s popularity skyrocketed further after locking the doors and instituting a password, transforming the establishment into a speakeasy.

Song of the Summer: The CNN Breaking News Alert

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

After Memorial Day Weekend, there is no doubt that the Song of the Summer is The CNN Breaking News Alert. 

It seems like it’s the first thing you hear in the morning, and the last thing you hear before your crippling anxiety keeps you awake in bed at night. All summer long, you won’t be able to go five minutes without hearing, “BAH NAH NAHHHHHH This is CNN Breaking News!” 

Whether it’s the Strait of Hormuz opening, Ebola elbowing Hantavirus out of the way, or the Strait of Hormuz closing, you won’t be able to go five minutes without hearing this absolute earworm. 

Who knows how long this song will be with us, but early signs say it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. It may actually become the Song of The Fall, The Song of The Holidays, A Spring Break Banger, and then The Song of The Summer again. 

Like a $6 gallon of gasoline, The CNN Breaking News Alert is here to stay.

It’s too early to tell, but Wolf Blitzer was recently seen behind home plate with Lorne Michaels and Jimmy Fallon, leading us to believe you might be seeing The CNN Breaking News Alert on The Tonight Show very soon, and maybe on the season 52 premiere of Saturday Night Live! 

“BAH NAH NAHHHHH!”

We just bombed a joint birthday party + graduation + wedding in Iran!

“This is CNN Breaking News!”

Chat GPT has amassed an army of uncontrollable AI drones that shoot fire and knives, and they’re headed straight for the World Cup Final in New York City.

Looks like we’re all in the situation room, now! 

At press time, CNN was working on a Breaking News remix before plans to drop a new Key Race Alert track ahead of the 2026 midterm elections. 

Tom Cruise Outruns Treadmill

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

LOS ANGELES — Movie star and empty-smiler Tom Cruise achieved the seemingly impossible by outrunning a treadmill while training for his new film “Mission: Impossible – Electric Boogaloo,” out-of-breath sources confirmed.

“I’ve hung off the Burj Khalifa with a magic sticky glove and free solo’d a mountain, but outrunning a treadmill is unquestionably harder than any film stunt I’ve done,” stated Cruise, laughing vacantly. “It was one of those treadmills that Olympic speed-skaters use to train. The thing goes more than 30 miles an hour. Initially, I was wearing a safety line and keeping pace, but I noticed it was holding me back a bit, so I unhooked it, immediately accelerated, and just ran off the treadmill and kept going through the nearby wall. It was crazy.”

Longtime fan Steven Terrison commented on the importance of running to Cruise’s career.

“Whether or not he knew it, Tom Cruise has been training for this his whole life,” argued Terrison. “Most people who see him frantically running in movies, whether outrunning explosions or trying to catch a plane about to take off, probably thought it was pointless showmanship for the camera. It’s not. You gotta understand: when Tom Cruise is running, he’s not acting or playing a character. That’s Tom you see sprinting like a goddamn maniac for way longer than is possible for any human. And that’s because Mr. Cruise is the closest thing we have to a superhero. Ever seen him in the same room as Captain America? Didn’t think so.”

Kinesiologist Abigail Behling discussed how Cruise is still able to sprint that quickly in his 60s.

“To the average movie-goer, it might seem astonishing that Tom Cruise can still run like that,” illustrated Behling. “But it’s easily explained: he’s got a weird-looking six-pack and he’s able to run like a coked-up cheetah because he’s wealthy and famous, and it’s his job to be in that kind of ridiculous shape. And steroids. Lots of steroids. Beyond that, he does seem to defy some laws of physics and all aging. Maybe there’s something to this Scientology business, after all.”

At press time, Cruise also stated that his next goal is training to jump over the Grand Canyon on foot.

Homeowner Spends Entire Dinner Party Explaining Which Light Switches Guests Free To Use

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

SEATTLE — Local homeowner Brandon Pike reportedly spent nearly the entirety of his dinner party Saturday night carefully explaining to guests which specific light switches they were and were not permitted to use, sources confirmed.

“Okay, so this first panel mostly controls the dining room lights, except for the bottom left switch, which actually turns on the garbage disposal for some reason,” Pike said while physically positioning guests near the entryway and gesturing toward a wall containing roughly fourteen identical switches. “This hallway dimmer is fine to use. These two control the herb and mushroom grow lights downstairs, so absolutely do not touch those under any circumstances. These go to the mini-splits, so don’t touch those, but it wouldn’t be a huge deal if you did, and the silver switch by the bathroom doesn’t technically do anything anymore, but I’d still prefer if people left it alone because I still feel like it changes something with the outdoor security lights somehow.”

Dinner guest Aaron Mills said he appreciated the detailed guidance despite remaining deeply anxious the entire evening.

“Honestly, by the end of the night I felt way more prepared,” Mills said. “It was a little overwhelming at first because every switch apparently controls either an appliance, a security feature, a specific lighting rig, or is just something Brandon described as ‘temperamental,’ but eventually I started understanding the system a bit better. I still spent most of the evening terrified I was going to accidentally shut down his garage freezer or trigger some kind of alarm, but if I ever come back I do think I’ll be less scared of getting yelled at at any moment by someone I once considered a close friend.”

Interior design consultant Vanessa Cho noted that maintaining this level of control is essential for homeowners to feel comfortable in their living space.

“A home is an intensely personal sanctuary where the homeowner’s comfort and sense of order are absolutely paramount,” Cho explained. “Keeping friends and family in a constant state of feeling like they may be in trouble at any given moment is an important part of preserving the atmosphere.”

At press time, Pike was reportedly beginning a separate detailed explanation regarding which bathroom towels were decorative and which closet doors were safe to open.

Opinion: I Don’t Care That He’s the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, This Is the Best Haircut I’ve Ever Had

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I think many of us would agree that good customer service is hard to find in jolly London town, and even rarer is quality service. So yeah, sometimes I might look the other way if a business doesn’t have the squeakiest clean image, so long as I’m satisfied, because I’m not an uptight asshole. So you could only imagine how happy I was to finally find a barber who, while a little eccentric, didn’t leave my hair looking worse than when I entered the (immaculately clean) shop. 

However, the same week I began seeing him, it came out that my new pal Sweeney Todd had been dubbed the “Demon Barber of Fleet Street” due to the fact that he methodically killed almost a dozen people. But frankly, I don’t give a shit because this is the best haircut I’ve ever had.

We’re allowed to reach our own conclusions, and last time I checked, personal experiences are subjective. So you can review bomb the barbershop all you want, I have never been less than blown away by his talent. And if he kills a few people here and there, call it collateral damage. Have you seen the way customers treat people in the personal care industry lately? Maybe if his other clients tipped as well as I did, they’d still have all their blood.

Everyone loves to talk about seeing grifters and corrupt judges getting their comeuppance, and then someone comes along and turns theory into practice, and everyone loses their minds because he doesn’t look like Luigi Mangioni. I mean, look at this perfect fade! Even the crazy old hag picking bones and rotten spuds out of trash cans across the street told me I looked handsome.

And for the record, I’ve also heard the rumors about Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies beneath Todd’s shop, and no, I haven’t eaten them, but damn do they smell good. Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t also be murdering and grinding up corpses if you had a goth baddie working below you. Speaking of which, she hasn’t been seen lately. I hope they didn’t break up.

Judge me all you want, but if I stopped seeing him, where would I go? Great Clips? Now that’s sick. Seriously, go see Sweeney Todd and tell him I sent you. He’ll get you right, and he’ll even sing for you. But maybe skip on paying extra for the shave.

Remote Worker at Show Catches Up on Emails During Band’s New Stuff

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Min. — Local remote employee Josh Donaldson was able to increase his productivity twofold while seeing one of his favorite bands by catching up on emails during their new material, other attendees have confirmed.

“I was trying to enjoy the show but all night I kept thinking about all the work I had waiting for me first thing in the morning. That is until the frontman announced the next song was from their new album and it dawned on me this would be the perfect opportunity to get a head start for tomorrow since I wouldn’t be missing anything on stage,” said Donaldson. “I’m finding it makes for pretty good background noise that’s keeping me focused on work. It’s not bad, but it’s not the music I listened to on repeat in college so I’m just gonna circle back on a few projects until they play something I used to listen to while getting blacked out in my dorm.”

Donaldson’s late night email blitz didn’t go unnoticed by his supervisor.

“That Josh sure is committed to his projects. It’s 9:15 p.m. and here he is firing off emails like it’s a Tuesday afternoon. They’re coming in spurts about 25 minutes apart for five minutes at a time, but who am I to break his balls about what he’s doing in his free time?” said Project Manager Phil Dunway. “I was a little confused when he posted and deleted a video in the Slack chat that looked like a blurry video of some rock band. I think it was from some early morning motivational seminar the way the guy with the microphone was just trying to hype up a lethargic crowd. Either way, his promotion is basically a done deal.

The headliner was not enthusiastic about Donaldson’s work ethic.

“We’ve all accepted that some of the crowd will be checked out during the new stuff, but they’re just straight up staring at their phones and opening Outlook. I thought people came here to escape work, but I see so many people in the crowd literally networking and even hopping on Zoom calls,” said Vagabond Spirits frontman Dean Watford. “One guy wanted to plug his laptop into our A/V rig to do a dry run of his PowerPoint presentation. Just go to the bathroom instead like a normal person, damn it!”

As of press time, Donaldson was able to complete a 30 slide pitch deck during the drummer’s solo.

Trump Administration To Institute Freedom 250 Draft

Posted on by Dan Katz

As musical acts continue to drop out of the “The Great American State Fair” concert series organized by Freedom 250, President Donald Trump has taken the extreme measure of instituting the Freedom 250 draft to replenish the featured performer ranks.

“Sleepy Joe Biden and Barack Hussein Obama weakened our force of patriotic musicians with their DEI policies,” said Mr. Trump while on his way to Walter Reed Medical Center. “We had a perfect lineup for Freedom 250 before the sick, nasty liberals poisoned the minds of the performers. With the draft, we will build an even more spectacular Freedom 250 concert – people tell me I should call it the Trump Freedom 250 – a beautiful concert, some would say more beautiful than the world has ever seen.”

While there are no restrictions on what musical artists are eligible to be selected in the Freedom 250 draft, additional weight is given to those who have not toured in the past 15 years and who last charted prior to Mr. Trump’s second marriage.

“I am excited to see our numbers swell to eight, even nine, able-bodied performers,” said Freedom 250 CEO, Keith Krach. “It could be anyone. Chris Gaines, Rockwell, the lead singer from The Heights, who knows? We do understand, though, that the draft is a solemn undertaking and that not all of those who are conscripted will make it home. Artists who make the ultimate sacrifice for their country will receive full honors and a slot in the playlist at a future Trump rally.”

U.S. Homeland Security advisor Stephen Miller believes the draft should have never ended in the first place.

“President Trump’s brilliant decision to reinstate the draft for Freedom 250 will return our nation to its rightful place as the world’s foremost musical superpower!” screamed Miller, pounding on his desk. “His power will not be questioned. Our musical culture will be preserved! We will retake the Freedom 250 stage, then Eurovision! The world will witness our country’s musical might!”

At press time, the members of Village People were still trying to determine if their draft card applied to one or all of them.

New Study Finds Gen Alpha Lacks Skills To Tie Belongings Up in Bandana Hanging From Stick Before Running Away From Home

Posted on by Matthew Quinn Martin

ST. PAUL, Minn. — The Springvale Research Institute released an exhaustive peer-reviewed study revealing that those born between 2010 and 2024 have failed to acquire many necessary skills needed to tie up their most prized possessions in a bandana dangling from a stick and run away from home, sources report. 

“While we still don’t have a definitive reason behind the phenomena, the data clearly shows a precipitous decline in bindlestiff acumen among this generational cohort,” said project leader Dr. Victor Strickland. “It’s not simply a matter of crafting a functional bundle. The choice of contents is also perplexing. Of course, history shows the most popular items are subject to change. Boomers favored harmonicas and pet rocks. Gen X, Rubik’s Cubes and their latch keys. Millennials, Pogs, Tomagotchi, and so on. But even the brightest of our Gen Alpha subjects only managed to bring along a bag of Takis and a mostly empty tub of Drunk Elephant. Many don’t even know what a bandana is. Our education system has failed us.”

Quoted in the study was seventh-grader Khaleesi-Michelle Szpak.

“How could I possibly run away from anything?” said Szpak. “My family’s got me on a lo-jack and puts out an amber alert the second I go off-grid. There are flock cameras on every street corner and the NSA has jacked into all the ring cams. The only place I could even hide is at school when they take your phone. God, I got so bored the other day that I snuck into the basement and read a book I found down there! Like an actual antique book from like 1998 about kids that turn into alien ducks or something. I think it was called ‘Morph the Cat.’”

Middle school vice principal Doug Sutter was all too aware of the alarming trend.

“Look, I’m 47. I’m either the one of the first Millennials or the last of Gen X. I know a little bit about generational change,” said Sutter. “Between COVID and Minecraft, these kids have had it rough. I’m willing to cut them a little slack. It’s the next generation I’m really worried about. Who’s going to be there to pass down all these cherished childhood experiences? And it’s not just the bandana thing. I’m talking riding BMX bikes until the lights come on. Playing D&D in tree forts. Drinking from the garden hose. Throwing flea-market ninja stars into the drywall. Finding a stack of dirty magazines in the woods next to an old mattress. And getting into BB gun fights.”

At press time, the new study also found that the number of lemonade stands nationwide is increasing among children, likely due to kids having to help pay for their siblings’ cancer treatment.

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