Every Friday the 13th Movie Ranked by How Often It’s Used as an ICE Training Video

Posted on by Dan Rice

Slasher fans rejoice! Friday the 13th is upon us, that special day of the year (or two, or sometimes three when we’re lucky) that compels us to revisit one of the most storied franchises in horror history! But what if we told you there’s a group of men who not only get to enjoy these films all through the year, but get to terrorize the public at large afterward, not unlike a certain Mr. Voorhees?! 

As if that sweet, sweet $50,000 signup bonus and freedom to commit consequence-free murder weren’t enough, ICE agents are actually paid to watch many of the Friday the 13th films as part of their training! According to DHS officials, Jason Voorhees is a prime example of the brutality, tactical cruelty, and relentlessness required to keep this country safe for shareholders.  

So, which Jason movies does the DHS deem best for training hordes of roving conservative murder gangs? Let’s break it down! 

Note: This is a ranking of the films based on their frequency of use in ICE training, not a ranking of their quality, which, as we all know, goes from best to worst: 2, 5, 4, 3, 6, 1, the reboot, Freddy vs. Jason, 8, Jason X, 7, Jason Goes to Hell. 

Jason Goes to Hell (1993)

The undisputed worst entry in the series is also the least effective at training America’s terror elite. Terrible acting, convoluted mythology changes, Kratom Duke(?) — even the average ICE recruit can tell this one missed the mark. 

Even the title “Goes to Hell” is a problem, as it brings to mind future consequences for past actions, which you can imagine NONE of these ICE guys want to think about right now. 

Friday the 13th (1980)

Sorry, cinema purists, but the OG Friday the 13th is just not an effective ICE training tool. For one thing, it’s just a tad too slow for modern audiences, at least modern audiences who can’t keep looking at racist memes and AI porn on their phones every 5 minutes. Add to that the fact that Jason is not the killer in this one, it’s his mother, and the last thing these guys want to think about is how their mother still has to do like every god damn thing for them. Maybe it would resonate more if there were a scene where Mrs. Vorhees explains that she now considers Jason a roommate, and that she’s actually grateful he lives in the basement, and how just having him around the house is rent enough as far as she’s concerned, but alas, no. 

Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988) 

A fine, even perhaps underrated entry in the Friday the 13th series that sees Jason going up against a girl with psychic powers who accidentally brings him back to life. Unfortunately, it breaks a cardinal rule of both the Friday the 13th franchise and ICE protocol: Jason takes his mask off! A LOT! His mutated zombie face is exposed here for pretty much the entire third act! Jason, you NEVER take the mask off dude! What if somebody has a cell phone?! You know what it was like for all those poor nazis in the ‘60s and ‘70s, THINK man! 

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

After initial public backlash over the copycat killer in Part 5, the series returns to form by resurrecting its antagonist in a fun, self-aware, somewhat tongue-in-cheek outing. This one is polarizing to fans of the franchise, as it’s the first film to establish Jason as a supernatural being, but that’s not why it can’t hold an ICE recruit’s attention. It’s the lack of tits. There are zero tits in this entire Friday the 13th movie. You might not have noticed, but no ICE agent worth his Zyn pouch is going to watch an entire 90-minute movie without checking Mrskin.com first to make sure it has a little something for the boys. 

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

A stone-cold classic by any metric, arguably the best of the series. The shrine of Mrs. Voorhees’s severed head alone is probably one of the most iconic images in all of horror. Jason is methodical, ruthless, and terrifying right out of the gate, all traits the current administration wishes to foster in its federal agents. Unfortunately, the third act, arguably one of the best and most engaging of any slasher film, is a big miss with ICE. The final girl here is smart, resourceful, and worst of all, gets away at the end! The last thing an ICE agent wants to think about when approaching a blonde woman in a car is her getting away to safety. 

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

The Monster Energy Drink of Jason movies. Too much setup/lore to be an effective training film for ICE, but a post murder pizza party favorite for sure. The boys go wild for Freddy’s racist joke, and the soundtrack gets them pumped as hell! 

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

This one is arguably the perfect balance between serving as an effective ICE training film (the corkscrew kill, great improvisation, Jason, use your surroundings!) and being an absolute ICE crowd pleaser. 

Just what is it about this film that captivates the average ICE recruit so much? Is it Crispin Glover’s hilarious dancing? No, they are cultureless swine who can’t appreciate high kitsch. Is it Corey Feldman going full psycho at the end to overcome a dangerous invader? Partly, but the real reason they love it boils down to two words that still echo in the hearts of every true red-blooded American male patriot: “And twins.” 

This movie features. Twins. Blonde twins. Blonde twins who are hot and horny. To an ICE recruit, this is the promise of the American dream. The idea of two biologically identical women wanting to go to town on you with zero acknowledgment of how weird and gross that would be is why they get up in the morning. It’s why they do what they do. 

Jason X (2001)

Not a high point for the franchise, certainly not a perfect film, but it does teach the importance of putting on a bunch of useless cosplay bullshit to make yourself look and feel more intimidating, and it features a robot lady you can presumably have sex with. Instant ICE classic. 

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

This is what they show ICE recruits on day one, because it teaches the most important lesson they need to know — WEAR A MASK. Yes, this is the first Friday the 13th movie to feature Jason wearing his now iconic hockey mask, and for good reason! As soon as he loses it, the final girl identifies Jason as the man who sexually assaulted her years ago. Agents, are you writing this down? You should be writing this down. 

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

This one faced a huge public backlash when it was first released due to the lack of Jason, but it has gone on to become a fan favorite and serves as the spiritual center for many ICE agents. In it, an ordinary man takes up the mantle of Jason Voorhees to savagely murder all the people he considers to be what’s wrong with this country, all to avenge his son, whom he abandoned years ago. If there’s ever an ICE Mount Rushmore, and they certainly seem to think there will be, Roy Burns is going up right between Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman. 

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Is it the best Friday the 13th movie? No. Is it the most fun Friday the 13th movie? No. Is it the most watchable Friday the 13th movie? Not by a long shot. This movie has more plot holes than the DHS’s account of how the Alex Pretti shooting went down, but it also features Jason doing what ICE wants its people doing the most: Causing carnage in a major American city for no logical reason other than it might get ratings. This is the mission. 

Friday the 13th (2009)

It helps that this one begins with the four most captivating words to anyone whose IQ is such that they would consider joining ICE: “Produced by Michael Bay.” And talk about a film that knows its audience. It’s like the moment you think to pull out your phone and see what your AI sex slave girlfriend is up to, BAM, fresh pair of tits on the screen. To many ICE recruits, this film features Jason at his off-the-grid fringe doomsday-prepper best. It’s got some great kills that can be very inspiring to ICE out in the field, but most importantly, Jason doesn’t just kill in this one; he also detains and tortures, and does god-knows-what with an innocent law-abiding woman far from where any pesky reporters or “observers” can reach!

Hilarious! This High School Acquaintance Thinks I’m Going To Accept His Friend Request

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’m just going to come right out and say it, there are only nine people from high school that I still care about, and everyone else from my graduation class and under can fuck right off. I’m not trying to be callous, I just legitimately have no interest in knowing what people who barely gave me the time of day from 1999-2003 are doing now.

Earlier today, while making an obligatory perusal of the wasteland that is Facebook, I noticed a friend request from someone I had not seen or spoken to since high school. I couldn’t help but laugh, because they clearly sent the request on the wildly miscalculated assumption that I would ever accept it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this guy was an asshole or anything. We got along pretty amicably, evidence that a unified hatred of the same teachers will form unlikely bonds. But it’s been over twenty goddamn years, and I don’t have the mental fortitude to see his life appear on my feed. I already know too much about the people in my life on social media.

It’s the audacity of it all that’s had me chuckling all afternoon. But it’s my own damn fault for still using Facebook, being a boomer millennial and all, but I haven’t accepted a new friend request on that platform since 2012. And since then, I’ve culled dozens of people I barely remember, because I cannot be bothered to see one more quiz result or bad meme from someone I ran cross country with for two years. Trust me, he is just an unfollow waiting to happen six months from now.

Let me speak to them directly for a second: old buddy, old pal, I can assure you there is nothing in my life worth catching you up on. I already hate making small talk with people I just met, and I don’t have the mental energy to condense and then elaborate on two decades of anecdotes and life changes into two paragraphs on Facebook Messenger. The only thing you need to know is that I have a mustache now, which I’m sure you gleaned from my profile picture.

Christ, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. I mean, wouldn’t anyone like to be remembered after 20 years? Wait, oh, for fuck’s sake, now he’s asked to connect on LinkedIn. I just might piss my pants!

Björk Hogging All the Seeds in Bird Feeder Again

Posted on by John Danek

REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike of selfishly and aggressively eating all of the seeds in a neighborhood bird feeder, frustrated birders reported.

“I understand that Björk is one with the Earth and all that stuff, but the seeds are intended for the birds and the birds alone,” said Einar Sigurðsson, who stocks the communal bird feeder along with other neighbors. “I admire her commitment to the bit- sometimes she wears the swan dress and she never uses her hands. But have you ever seen a sad puffin? It’ll ruin your week. If that wasn’t bad enough, Björk even made a nest in a nearby tree branch and has been defecating on all the statues. She must be stopped at all costs.”

Members of the Icelandic bird community are trying to raise awareness about musicians, who they consider an invasive species.

“Between Sigur Rós running buck-ass naked through our natural habitat to Of Monsters and Men confusing other birds with their birdcall-like accordion playing, this all needs to stop,” said Gerry, a gyrfalcon who commonly perches atop the Hallgrimskirkja church. “Björk is stealing all the goddamn sunflower seeds, which are the tastiest ones. This is in addition to global warming and the ever-increasing influx of slob American tourists. Iceland? More like… dang, I’m so hungry I can’t think of a pun.”

When asked if this is part of some performance piece, Björk wouldn’t confirm the nature of this strange behavior.

“There is music in the sounds of everyday life, choruses and verses, but the harmonies are found by simply existing,” whispered Björk in hushed, intriguing tones while reeking of suet. “By eating a seed, we become a human terrarium- an incubator for life. I am growing trees within me. And fuck any seagull who tries to get in my way.”

At press time, Björk was last seen boxing out ducks for pieces of bread in a central Reykjavík pond.

Alcoholic Man Shouting Racial Slurs at Passersby on Street Corner Booked for Kennedy Center Performance

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced a three-week run performance featuring Terry Gillespie, a local alcoholic man known for standing on street corners while shouting racial slurs at anyone who walks past him, the venue’s box office has confirmed.

“Oh man, it’s a great honor to be performing at the Kennedy Central. Mister Trump, he asked me to come up on stage and people gonna come see me say the ‘n word’ and then nobody gonna get mad and throw a coffee in my face like they do when I’m just minding my own business gonna corner telling people the TRUTH,” said Gillespie as he finished a bottle of Jack Daniels. “President say I’m gonna be a star. They gonna give me a million dollars to tells people what I already say for free. I’m proof anybody can make it here in the good ol’ USA if ya just keep misgendering people and the liquor store guy don’t care if you hang out in front of the store all day.”

President Trump stated Gillespie was the perfect performer for this moment in history.

“People said it couldn’t be done, that we’re failing because all the losers and nasty so-called artists cancelled all their performances. But here’s a guy who loves America and tells it like it is. So many insults for Asians, it’s amazing. He should’ve headlined the Super Bowl, right folks?” said Trump. “I saw him on that corner, people were spitting on him, and I said we gotta have this guy close out the Trump-Kennedy Center before we make it beautiful. He’s going to pack the house, let me tell you. You’ll never hear a more coherent man string together so many words about the nasty immigrants invading our country. This is what America 250 is all about.”

The venue’s box office staff was less than optimistic about this year’s remaining shows.

“We knew the fix was in after Yo-Yo Ma pulled out of the performance season.The only performers the board want here are either racists, alcoholics, or in the case of Mr. Gillespie, both,” said Katrina Winslow. “That pretty much narrows down candidates to comedians who were on Kill Tony, mental patients booted from the hospital, and Lee Greenwood. The closure in July can’t come soon enough.”

As of press time, Gillespie was tapped to open for Kid Rock at several Rock the Country Festival dates.

Trump Vows Next Bombing of Elementary School Will Have ‘Most Up-To-Date Intelligence Imaginable’

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In the aftermath of the U.S. bombing of an Iranian girls’ elementary school due to outdated military intelligence, President Donald Trump has pledged to do everything in his power to ensure that future school bombings are carried out using “state-of-the-art intel,” sources within the White House confirmed. 

“Mistakes like this are unimaginable. We didn’t even know how many kids we blew up until after they were all blown up!” lamented an uncharacteristically mournful Trump to reporters this morning. “I have met with all the top generals, and I can promise you that future elementary school bombings will be carried out using the most up-to-date intelligence imaginable! Going forward, we are going to be able to tell you exactly how many children are in the building, what they brought for lunch that day, and what they want to be when they grow up before the bomb even hits! We’re doing this with AI, we’re doing satellites, we’re pulling out all the stops here, folks. The next time one of you pinkos from the New York Times tries to tell us we bombed an elementary school, I can assure you we will fire back with a swift ‘We know.’”

A high-ranking Pentagon employee who chose to remain anonymous weighed in to confirm the military is taking Trump’s pledge seriously.  

“When recon confirmed we had struck an elementary school and not an Iranian military training facility, we were devastated,” said the employee. “We would have sent a much smaller bomb had we known. You can achieve the same lethality with a much smaller explosive when military infrastructural obliteration isn’t a concern. Man, what a waste of good bomb.” 

“The president is sending a clear message that when it comes to the slaughter of children, he wants all his ducks in a row. As you’ll recall, children really damaged Trump after the whole Epstein thing, and they are now very high on his enemies list. As with all his enemies, he wants retribution, and he wants that retribution to be extremely calculated, with the most advanced intelligence our military can provide.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

U.S. Military Erroneously Bombs Iranian School Instead of Sending in Radicalized Gunman

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has officially admitted the U.S. military erroneously bombed a school during the assault on Iran, when it should have just sent in a lone, radicalized right-wing gunman to do the job, the Pentagon has confirmed.

“Yeah, this one’s on us. We relied a little too heavily on AI and drones to blow that school for girls’ sky high, and that’s not what America is about. What we should have done was send in a 22-year-old white guy who has been brainwashed and desensitized by years of MAGA coded content with an AR-15 and let him go to town,” said Hegseth. “Not only is it more in line with our warrior ethos, but the media also wouldn’t have given a shit, and we could’ve moved on with our campaign after a few bullshit ‘thoughts and prayers’ while achieving the same death toll. If only we had tapped into the limitless pipeline of violent young men eager to satiate their fragile masculinity by murdering women and children of color, it would’ve saved us the time of having to acknowledge any wrongdoing.”

“Going forward, we plan to send numerous squads of chronically online incels to infiltrate Tehran’s malls, schools, and music venues in hopes of killing as many civilians as possible, that way if they get killed we can at least tell everyone they were trans to take the heat off of us.”

As of press time, Hegseth has ordered all drone bombing to cease until the military can gather more accurate intel on which Iranian schools have the most lax security.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

The Five Most Preventable Diseases I Contracted at the Kid Rock Meet and Greet

Posted on by Steve Packosky

First off, shout out to my girl Denise for scoring two VIP tickets to Kid Rock at the Barry Expo Center. They were way out of our price range, but she managed to skim someone’s credit card info down at the Citgo and surprised me for my birthday. Love you, babe. I had a fucking killer time, and even got to pose for a photo with the Kid and get his autograph after the show! Not like it even matters, but here are the five most preventable diseases I contracted in the process.

  1. Measles

According to the doctor I saw when I went to the freestanding ER a few days after the show, I would’ve been entirely safe from catching this had I been properly vaccinated, but what the fuck does she know? Honestly, I just think she’s jealous that she didn’t get to tell Kid Rock how much she loved his performance of “Cowboy” to his face like I did. So I shit my brains out and was super tired for a week after the show. Big deal.

  1. Polio

OK, this one seems like it’ll be more of an issue. Still, putting up with severe muscle atrophy and having to pull my kid out of school for a month was well worth it for a chance to shake my hero’s hand while I still had the strength to do so. 

  1. Whooping Cough

Have you ever coughed so violently that you fractured a rib? I have, but I’ve also obtained a signed poster of my favourite singer holding a can of PBR with one hand and flipping the bird with the other, which more than cancels out the fact that I’ll have to sleep upright for the foreseeable future.

  1. Hepatitis A

This isn’t even the worst Hepatitis, from what I’ve been led to understand. My eyes just turned yellow, and I lost thirty pounds from the ceaseless vomiting and loss of appetite. That’s nothing compared to the life-ending catastrophes I imagine would’ve resulted from getting the jab.

  1. Tetanus

Truly, this one’s on me for cutting in front of that lady with the Staind shirt. That was a rude move, and I would’ve bitten me on the shoulder, too. I just thank Christ that I got to tell Kid Rock how much I love him before the lockjaw set in and I lost my ability to speak for a month. I’m just hoping all these symptoms clear up soon, because Denise and I are flush with cash after stripping a bunch of copper wire from an unattended construction site, and Ted Nugent just announced an upcoming tour.

What the Fuck? Friend Complaining About Not Having Any Friends

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

SEATTLE — Local barista and dull plebian Marcella Flores was recently alerted that her longtime friend of 20 years has been complaining about not having any friends, perturbed sources confirmed.

“We’ve known each other for years. I was at her high school and college graduation, her wedding, and I drove her to the hospital when she was in labor. And she let me stay at her place for five whole hours after my house burned down last year. I mean, she was even at my 5th birthday party and she only blew three of my five candles, so this really just blindsided me,” said a despondent Flores. “It came out of nowhere too. We were in the middle of our weekly lunch and she just started going on and on about how she has no real friends and how she’s desperate for any sense of human connection. And then she got a text and had to ditch without paying her bill.”

Esha Gershwin, the woman who Flores thought was her best friend, clarified her comments further.

“27 years on this Earth and I haven’t yet found a single person I like enough to call my friend. Like, what the fuck is wrong with everyone else? Sure, I might not be perfect, but neither is anyone else I know and that’s exactly why I’m not their friend,” said an oblivious Gershwin. “And for the record, I like Marcella. I like her the same way the general public likes Sum 41, it’s nice once in a while in private but I’d rather die than be publicly associated with them. And besides, it’s kinda off putting how Marcella is always down to hang out and help me out with random things, like get a fucking life and say no sometimes.” 

Social psychologists across the nation have been studying this paradoxical phenomenon for decades.

“It’s a tough spot to be in. On one hand, we should be sympathetic to people brave enough to speak about the loneliness they’re experiencing. But then on the other hand, what if that person is a dumb fucking moron whose acquaintance-to-friend threshold is entirely dependent on how many cassette tapes the other person owns,” said an exhausted Dr. Diana Toole. “It’s insane and incredibly narcissistic to use pity as a mechanism to foster friendships while simultaneously alienating the friends you already have. At that point, you’d have better luck making connections at a sociopaths anonymous group.” 

At press time, Gershwin was overheard complaining to her Hinge date about the lack of quality in the online dating scene.

42-Year-Old Man Can’t Masturbate Until He Finds His Readers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PELHAM, N.H. — Local husband and father of two Randy Carlisle regularly misplaces his reading glasses, inhibiting his ability to view pornography clearly, sources confirm.

“I waste a lot of precious time looking for my glasses while my wife and kids are out of the house,” said Carlisle. “I get very few opportunities to have alone time, so I’m pretty devastated when I can’t find my readers. Usually I wind up running out of time and just watching blurry blobs gyrating while listening to the audio. It’s not an ideal situation, but it gets the job done. I should probably order a dozen pairs of reading glasses on Amazon and keep them in strategic places because this seems to happen pretty often. Better throw in a few more bottles of Jergens to be covered on that front as well.”

Carlisle’s wife says she hides his glasses on purpose.

“I know what sick shit that pervert gets up to when I’m out. Apparently after decades of using the internet he still doesn’t know how to clear his browser history,” said Andrea Carlisle. “In the past few years he’s been too ‘tired’ or too busy playing PS5 to have sex with me, so I do my best to ruin his little goon sessions. Sometimes I’ll hide his glasses to fuck with him a little bit. I’ve got some other techniques I use to frustrate his efforts as well, such as adding a little sand to the bottle of Jergens he keeps in the bathroom closet. Lately I’ve been putting in a few drops of ghost pepper oil as well.”

Scientists at Neuralink have good news for pornography enthusiasts with poor vision.

“In a few years, people won’t even need eyes to consume porn,” explained researcher Ian Coxon. “With Neuralink’s brain-computer interface implant, the smut will bypass traditional input organs like eyes and ears and will be transmitted directly into the subject’s sensory cortex, enabling an unprecedented level of immersion. Our chimp test subjects have taken to it so enthusiastically that they’ll often forgo food and sleep to prolong their ‘gooning.’ Several have actually died of dehydration, which we could prevent in human users with an IV drip.”

At press time, Mr. Carlisle had driven himself to urgent care after inexplicable burns appeared on his sensitive areas after “moisturizing” with Jergens lotion.

Oh, You’re a Mountain Goats Fan? Name 325 Songs

Posted on by Brett Olsen

I’d like to play a game, and you probably know the drill by now. If you’re really a Mountain Goats fan, then you should have no problem naming 325 songs, right? No pressure, but every second you pause to think, John Darnielle is writing another three songs — tick, tock.

This goes without saying, but No Children doesn’t count — everybody knows that song, and the point of this exercise is to prove that you’re not like everyone else by rising above the unknown metrics of my rigid judgment. 

I’m not trying to be “that guy” whose gatekeeping comes across as misogynistic, so I want to assure you that this has nothing to do with your womanhood and everything to do with the prolific John Darnielle. His discography has guided me through my awkward, adolescent years to my insufferable, adult existence, which is now your problem. This Year also does not count.

Mountain Goats deserve a certain level of reverence, which was lacking when you were minding your own business in a Goths era t-shirt. Have you even listened to, then memorized, All Hail West Texas? This was meant to be a softball question, considering you are desperately trying to check out at Target.

“Ridiculous?” How do you figure? According to a quick Google search, they have between 500 and 700 songs. 325 seems like a layup given their vast catalog, which is now teetering around the 800 mark, according to this notification I just received. Surely a true fan could name forty percent of their accomplishments?

Considering you’ve got most of your groceries loaded without naming a single song or even making eye contact with me, we should probably just drop it. I didn’t mean to come off so passionate, and I doubt you meant anything by that shirt.

Quick shot in the dark, but is there any chance I could grab your phone number? No? Well, Up The Wolves doesn’t count either.