Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead guitarist Jackson Hollister has been spending less time rehearsing and more time perfecting his jousting at his supposed “day job,” Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament, the band’s manager-merch-tech guy confirmed.

“We’re trying to write an album about ritual human sacrifice to the old sea gods, and meanwhile [Hollister] is showing up late because he had to cover for the torture chamber tour guide. Pick a side, buddy,” said frontman Paul Mercer, who has never held a job longer than four months. “He keeps saying he can’t do a show because he pulled a hamstring in the tilt yard. Last week he asked if we could shorten practice because his chainmail needed to be re-soldered. He’s going to have to either be a serious musician in the world’s only William Hope Hodgson themed metal band or a loser who play-fights for a bunch of Game of Thrones nerds.”

Hollister, however, believes there comes a time to put childish things away and focus on your career.

“Look, the band is fun but metal shows come and go, the crown is forever,” said Hollister, polishing his replica Balmung sword. “But Medieval Times is a career. I’ve got benefits. I’ve got a clear path forward. I’m second alternate for The King, so if Mike’s babysitter cancels and Jerry gets food poisoning again from the leftover turkey legs, I’m in! Do you know how many metal bands have a retirement plan? None. At M.T., if you show discipline, stay in character, and don’t harass the waitresses, you rise like the mighty Aeriophylon.”

Experts say the situation is more common than people realize.

“Metal musicians often reach a crossroads where they have to decide if they are ok touring the country all year to play for a total of 112 people,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a psychologist specializing in heavy metal identity crises. “As they age they’re drawn to structured worlds where battle, hierarchy, and themed alcohol consumption are encouraged. For some, it’s Renaissance festivals. For others, it’s independent wrestling or starting a microbrewery making metal-pun beer names like ‘Haze Of Torment.’ It’s not about abandoning the band, it’s about finding a future.”

At press time, Grave Mistake confirmed they are auditioning new guitarists with the only requirement being their job is soul-crushing and dead end. 

Nice! This Non-Alcoholic IPA Tastes Just as Disgusting as Normal One

Posted on by Trevor Graham

You know, I’m not as young as I used to be and even a lot older than I thought I would ever be. When I was younger, I partied extremely hard because why not? There was no future to live for anyway, right? Well, unfortunately, I ended up blowing past my 20s and 30s, and now I need take better care of myself, which means taking it easy with the booze. That’s why I’m so glad I found this non-alcoholic IPA that tastes just as awful as the piney barf water I usually guzzle down.

I’ve tried all kinds of “NAs” before, and they were all pretty disappointing. And I don’t just mean the fact that they don’t have alcohol in them, I mean they just lack anything special and don’t have any “personality” as it were. But this one has just the right blend of hoppy aroma, a nice amber color, and the perfect amount of that rancid yeast-infused dumpster water quality I love in a good IPA.

The best part is that it costs $18.99 for a four-pack, so I get to have the same sense of self-satisfaction in overpaying for pure disappointment. I see all these other guys in line at my local liquor store with their cheap O’Doul’s and Guinness 0, and I just feel bad for them. I mean, yes, we’re all going home with something that is far inferior to the real thing, and that, in a small way, is a reminder that our youth is gone and we have nothing to look forward to but decay and doctor visits, but I at least have the good sense to buy this quality-crafted diaper juice.

Sure, technically, I could just drink the Gatorade bottles full of piss sitting in the sun left by truckers on the side of the highway for free and get the same effect, but this NA comes in a bottle with an old-timey picture of an octopus on it, which is really cool. Whenever I’m out at a bar, I order this in a bottle just so everyone can see that not only am I responsible for not drinking alcohol, but I like cool things like drawings of daggers and demons and other cool shit on the bottles of fermented, marshy, waste runoff I am currently enjoying.

Summer Festival Lineups Announced as if Society Will Still Be Functioning in Five Months

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Event coordinators have continued to announce and actively promote the lineups for the upcoming 2026 summer music festivals as if society isn’t already going over the cliff and will still be functioning in five months, dozens of performers have confirmed.

“With the way the government is cracking down on dissent and vaccines, the festival grounds will probably be converted to internment camps. All we can do is put on a brave face and announce that Blink-182 and Weezer are going to headline any given three-day event and hope for the best,” said production coordinator Edwin Richards. “Honestly, we’re just announcing lineups to give people something to cling to, that maybe this waking nightmare will pass and everyone will be tripping balls on molly with their friends at Electric Forest in June, if the dollar hasn’t collapsed, that is.”

Regular festival goers even seemed wary about festival season happening.

“Did I already buy weekend passes to Riot Fest and the Warped Tour? Of course. But do I also have this sinking feeling our own military will turn against us and we’ll all be forced into a decades long civil war creating a new diaspora as we sift and scavenge through the ashes of what once were our great cities? Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind a bit,” said Blake Johnson. “But until then, I’m just stoked to see Atreyu for the first time in like 20 years. And if society falls apart that weekend I’ll at least have my camping gear if I have to live outdoors for the rest of my life.”

Many of the confirmed festival acts felt they had no choice but to push forward.

“As grim as things are looking, we just have to press forward and cross our fingers Trump doesn’t start firing off ballistic missiles at blue cities during our set,” said Neutral Milk Hotel California frontman Dale Leinert. “We’re just getting on any bill we can so we can tour Europe and just not come back, but shit’s been bad for a while now. We’ve had to bail on festivals because of climate change-induced storms, active shooters, and that one MAGA festival that was cancelled for being too close to a school zone.”

As of press time, nearly all festivals have stated that ticket holders would only receive partial refunds should the White House declare all music not sung by Kid Rock illegal.

Tradition, Elegance, and the Height of Fashion: A Breakdown of Prince Andrew’s Lavish $100,000,000 Arrest Ceremony

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s a great day to be a royal watcher! The arrest of former Prince Andrew for misconduct in the office marks the first arrest of someone in the royal family since the 17th century — that’s right — the first great royal arrest ceremony to grace the streets of London in over 300 years! Given that this luxurious tradition is rarer than once in a lifetime, the royals pulled out all the stops to make this royal arrest one to remember! Here’s a timeline of the pomp and circumstance it takes to arrest a royal: 

Former Prince Andrew Escorted to Westminster Precinct in The Diamond Jubilee Paddywagon: 

This is the vehicle every pedophile dreams of being escorted to jail in. A luxurious gold, diamond-encrusted spoke wheel frame holds an inescapable carriage literally built for a king. One can hardly tell the difference between this prisoner transportation vehicle and a giant chandelier! The doors to the wagon were custom-painted for the occasion, with depictions of cherubs engaging in the disgraced prince’s various crimes. 

The paddywagon is sent off from the palace gates by a Guard of Shame, comprised of several hundred British military officials and 1000 palace guards who, while normally maintaining a strict order of silence, are on this rare occasion permitted to snicker and offer the odd “Was all dis den?” and “It’s a royal arrest, init?” 

The Procession Crowd: 

Over 4000 official guests lined the stands, with thousands more crowding the designated viewing areas. Celebrities: too many to count. Anyone who was anyone in the world of high society, film, music, and pedophilia was in attendance, including Bono, Elton John, and the guy who writes songs for Elton John, all dressed to the nines and visibly ashamed of the disgraced monarch. Ghislaine Maxwell was unable to attend but permitted to watch the ceremony live via satellite. 

Arrival at Westminster Precinct

Andrew was seen leaving the Diamond Jubilee sporting his traditional royal formalwear, only with the red replaced by prison orange. His walk from the paddywagon to the precinct steps was scored by a commissioned musical number composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber, a song called “Prisoners” in which he describes various types of Prisoners. Like Cats, but with prisoners. 

The Placing of The Royal Handcuffs 

Gifted to the Royal family by a pope in the 16th century, these solid gold, jewel-encrusted restraints are the only cuffs in the world deemed fit to restrict the movements and prevent the escape of Britain’s most powerful pedophiles. 

St. Edward’s Time Out Chair 

As is tradition, an offending royal is placed in this centuries-old wooden chair for 15 minutes of quiet time to reflect on their transgression. In older times, this was the full extent of the punishment for a royal, regardless of the nature or brutality of the crime. While today Prince Andrew will face at least the possibility of actual consequences, the tradition is still upheld. 

The Charging and The Oath

After Andrew was officially charged with his crimes, he swore on the gold ampulla to uphold his duty as the noblest and highest criminal in all the realm. 

The Sex Party

Held at Buckingham Palace in his honor, this exclusive VIP event is where the bulk of the hundred million dollars went. 

Legendary Character Actor Tom Noonan, Standing Behind You, Right Now, Dead at 74

Posted on by Dan Rice

Film fans across the country mourn today, learning that beloved actor Tom Noonan, known for roles such as Frankenstein in Monster Squad, and the guy currently standing right behind you, somehow, don’t look, died on Valentines day at the age of 74. 

Noonan, whose intimidating height and eerily calm intensity brought an unforgettable menace to films such as House of the Devil and Manhunter, and who, as we speak, is staring at the back of your neck with an impossibly expressionless face, began acting at the age of 27 in the New York theater scene before his talents and unique appearance started landing him supporting roles in films and for gods sake do not look. 

Noonan’s undeniable presence elevated any project he was involved with, large or small. His unhinged performance in Robocop 2 was the highlight of an otherwise dim sequel, and his portrayal of “The Tooth Fairy Killer” in Manhunter remains one of the most haunting portrayals of a serial killer in film history. And he’s dressed like him, right now, with the thing over his head and everything, and he’s getting closer. Don’t look. 

He was a favorite actor of auteur filmmaker Charlie Kaufman, who cast him as Sammy Barnathan in “Synecdoche, New York, playing the in-film shadow to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Caden Cotard, and look this can go one of two ways, either he’s just going to say like one creepy thing and go away or he is about to strait up murder you, we’re sorry. 

Noonan was also known for his guest roles on television. He worked alongside Manhunter co-star William Petterson in CSI, and a popular episode of X-Files was written specifically for him. You probably shouldn’t mention that, though, sometimes these intense actor types find their TV work to be diminutive. You should probably turn around VERY SLOWLY, remain as calm as possible, and mention you loved that play he directed. With any luck, he’ll stare into your soul for another half a minute, nod, and walk away. 

Tom Noonan, dead at 74. You? TBD. Good luck. 

Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids

Posted on by Shane Pauker

WASHINGTON — Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry, confirmed sources. 

“I used to think this was the land of opportunity, where I could do anything I set my mind to. When I was a Little Marco, I even thought I could be president!” lamented a bedraggled Rubio, squeezing in a press conference in between his shifts as Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. “Now look at me. I work day and night like a dog and I still have to apply to end welfare. I knew I was making the nine-to-five job unlivable for everyday Americans; I just didn’t think making things worse for everyone would make them worse for me, too. So much for the American dream.” 

Nick Jensen, Rubio’s longtime aide, provided further context for the Secretary’s work ethic. 

“Marco knows this is a nation of immigrants, and he wants to take out as many of them as humanly possible,” said Jensen. “His parents came to this country, poor Cuban immigrants, trying to make a better life for themselves. What kind of son would he be if he didn’t wipe out the competition? If it takes two jobs to make your dreams come true, that’s what you do. It’s a tough economy, after all, and you can thank Secretary Rubio for that.”

Experts in child hunger warn that Rubio’s cuts to USAID and proposed limits to SNAP will limit food access both domestically and abroad.

“I’m so hungry,” explained known child Timmy Dickins. “Mr. Rubio says we’re not supposed to use our food stamps on soda or cookies, but Sesame Street taught me that cookies are what poor kids on the street are supposed to have. Mommy even says President Trump stopped making pennies because I kept trying to eat them. I miss when Joe Biden was president and the only thing we couldn’t eat was eggs.”

At press time, Rubio was seen browsing Indeed for a third job before knocking an ice cream cone out of the hands of an eight-year-old.

Long Shot, but Would Anyone Like To Hang Out and Talk About Stoned Ape Theory With Me, Who Is, and I Cannot Stress This Enough, NOT a Racist?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Fringe theory used to be fun. You just sat around getting stoned for hours on end, speculating wildly about topics you lacked any formal education in, finally settling on a heartily agreed-upon “I mean, who knows?” and ordering takeout, all without harming another living soul. What the hell happened? 

My favorite pastime has always been pondering the great questions of life, the universe, and everything in an extremely low-stakes forum under the influence of drugs and alcohol, preferably around a fire pit, preferably while listening to Jefferson Airplane, and that pastime has been taken from me. Everywhere I go, no matter how benign the fringe topic I would like to have a fun conversation about may be, the discussion veers into racism, eugenics, and far-right politics within minutes. What the fuck, man? 

I’m getting desperate. Is there somebody, anybody out there, who would like to smoke weed on my couch and have a lofty, armchair expert discussion on stoned ape theory — let me finish — who is not a racist, sexist, fascist piece of shit? Anybody? 

I find the idea that the cognitive revolution of early man may have been triggered by psilocybin mushrooms to be fascinating, and I do not see why a friendly, weed-fuelled discussion on the matter has to veer into how DEI hiring practices cause plane crashes. That’s not true, and more importantly, that’s not fun! Fun would be, like, imagining the first caveman on mushrooms to discover fire, and acting out the scenario using funny caveman voices, and laughing a bunch. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m in this for. 

Just how in the fuck did we get here? Back in the early aughts, it seemed like there were a million comedy podcasts that catered to this exact sort of thing. Now, all of those podcasts still exist, but they’re parading dipshits like Ben Shapiro and telling me the liberals want to rip my dick off. I just want to laugh and think about aliens and shit! 

Some of you may be thinking, “How could a conversation about apes doing shrooms turn racist?” I can tell you firsthand, there are more answers to that question than you could ever want to know. Pretty much anything anthropology is a fucking minefield. I’m not going to say what they are here, because that’s how bad they all are. Just take my word for it. 

I’m not saying we need to strictly stay on topic; there’s a lot of tangents a stoned ape theory discussion can lead to, and that’s part of the fun! Just as long as they are, you know, fun. Terence McKenna? Let’s fucking go! Phrenology and Heinrich Himmler? Not so much!

Tomorrow afternoon I will be on the back patio of The Daily Grind vaping sativa and thinking the big thoughts. If anyone who is not a racist would care to join me, feel free to pull up a chair, but I swear to God, if you so much as mention DEI, the erasure of Western culture, or Theo Von, I have mace, dude.  

Home Alone 1 Pulls Hitler Cameo From Streaming

Posted on by Dan Rice

BURBANK, Calif. —Citing widespread criticism and calls for a boycott, Disney has announced it will pull the now-controversial Adolph Hitler scene from “Home Alone” on streaming and any future broadcast of the film, sources confirm. 

“While not particularly polarizing at the time of its release in 1990, we recognize that the public’s perception of Hitler has grown increasingly negative over the years,” said Disney Spokesperson Susan Wright. “Though his appearance is brief and relatively lighthearted, many viewers find the Hitler cameo to be unnecessarily triggering for a family comedy picture, and therefore, we have made the decision to cut the scene from streaming and all future releases of the film.”

While the decision has been met with overall approval, a vocal minority of film enthusiasts and/or Hitler fans have expressed outrage across the internet.

“I knew I should have added this John Hughes holiday classic to my physical media collection,” lamented self-proclaimed cinema connoisseur Sheldon Jaccobs in a Blank Check fan group. “I am beyond disappointed knowing that now, on all future rewatches of this childhood cornerstone movie, I won’t get to enjoy the adorable scene where Kevin tells Hitler he should try switching to decaf. This has nothing to do with politics, I am not political, I don’t care about Hitler one way or the other, I’m just a cinema purist, and I think this is wrong!” 

While not condemning the edit, film historian Margo Keppling expressed some trepidation on social media. 

“First, they pulled Donald Trump from Home Alone 2, and everyone celebrated because he is a monster, and that was objectively the right move, but that was just a sequel. The original Home Alone is a more important cultural artifact, and while I stand against Hitler almost as much as I stand against Donald Trump, I can’t help but feel the original should be preserved as is for historical posterity, warts and all.” 

At press time, Disney announced further plans to remove Donald Trump from The Apprentice. 

RFK Jr. Appointed Head of Human Centipede

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced his self-appointment as the department’s first Head of Human Centipede, sources confirmed.

“Today is a historic day, as I have generously agreed to have my anus sewn to the face of this brave volunteer, who will soon reap the benefits of my superior nutrition and physical stamina as it travels through my rectum and into his grateful, hungry mouth. The era of Trickle Down Fecalnomics begins now,” said Kennedy Jr., struggling to perform a single pull-up with a man sewn to his ass. “The next volunteer in the chain will then enjoy a steady stream of macronutrients and unvaccinated antibodies delivered from me and filtered through the middle of the human centipede. Independent studies from ancient Sumerian tablets have shown that consuming food retro-anally has numerous health benefits, and my strict diet of unwashed, raw potatoes and horse peptides will ensure they get every nutrient a growing centipede needs.”

Human centipede volunteer Norm Cignetti was reportedly honored to be chosen as the third link in the anal feeding chain.

“Oh Mr. Secretary, sir, I promise you won’t regret choosing me for this prestigious position. I’ve been practicing ever since I got your acceptance letter, and it will be the honor of my life to get down on all fours and gulp down whatever you send my way—for Trump and country,” said Cignetti, giving a statement while being prepped for surgery. “You know I’ve sent fecal samples to every Health Secretary since the Reagan administration, and can you believe that Secretary Kenndedy was the first to respond? Well it’s that kind of visionary leadership that will bring our nation closer as our fellow countrymen join ass-to-mouth to usher in a new era of health and prosperity.”

Renowned crypto-phlebotomist and urine sommelier Gregory Weissman praised the Health Secretary’s selfless sacrifice for the health of the nation.

“Despite RFK Jr.’s recent efforts to end tyrannical vaccine mandates, the generational mRNA trauma that the COVID jab has wreaked on the American people will take decades to reverse. But rather than hoarding and consuming his own excrement to revitalize his own electrolyte pool, RFK Jr. is selflessly allowing his rugged mana to trickle down to needy Americans further down the line,” said Weissman, swirling a vintage 1996 Clooney sample in a specimen container. “Think of the strides we’ll make not only in health and nutrition, but also as a way to solve food insecurity for millions of underprivileged Americans! It’s like I always say: ‘When the American people are all one hole, our nation will be whole.'”

At press time, reporters were unable to obtain a muffled comment from the middle participant in the human centipede.

Help! It’s Fucking February, and I Still Have “Ghost Town” by the Specials Stuck in My Head From Halloween

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Please, someone, anyone — help me. I’ve had the worst earworm of all time, and I’m starting to think that my life is never going to be normal again. I’ve had “Ghost Town” by The Specials stuck in my head since Halloween, which would be fine if it was like, November 4th, but it’s fucking February.

Not that “Ghost Town” is bad or anything, but man, this has been a real long haul. It even overrode the relentless Christmas music that, for some reason, now starts up exactly one day after Halloween. I thought that the My Chemical Romance version of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” might do the trick and replace the unending loop of gloopy reggae jams stuck in my head, but nope. No dice. I even tried listening to a shitty pop punk Christmas playlist on repeat and while I was sleeping to subliminally try to get that lodged in there instead, but it didn’t work. I really think I’m doomed here.

You ever had a song with a fucking trombone line stuck in your head? I feel like I’m living in a Charlie Brown special, except instead of Vince Guaraldi, it’s just the teachers talking. And don’t get me started on the part of “Ghost Town” where the really high-pitched weird shrieky vocals come in with the “ahhhhAHHhahHAHHHHHHH” or whatever. That jumpscares me every time, and I’ve had this song on a three-and-a-half-minute loop day in, day out for months now. I don’t think my cardiac health can take much more of that.

I’m begging you guys. Is there anyone out there who has access to some cutting-edge un-earworm technology? I’ll get a fucking Neuralink at this point if it helps. I can’t stand it anymore. I know all the clubs have been closed down and bands won’t play anymore. But at this rate, I don’t want to live no more. I can’t take it.

Actually, does anyone have Elon Musk’s contact info?