Raw Milk Advocate Now Diarrhea Advocate

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

EAST TROY, Wis. — Content creator and raw milk advocate Chaz Mossner announced his advocacy of diarrhea today via TikTok live stream, massively dehydrated sources confirmed.

“As my hundred of thousands of followers know, government regulation is bullshit,” declared Mossner, sitting on the toilet for the third consecutive hour. “I believe in food freedom. If I want to drink raw milk filled with so-called ‘pathogens,’ that’s my right. It’s in the Constitution, look it up. Literally no one can tell me what I can and can’t do to my body. The explosive diarrhea is just a sign that my body craves unpasteurized liquids.”

Longtime Mossner follower and MAHA supporter Brayden Peterson discussed the benefits of raw milk.

“Bruh, I drink raw milk so my body literally shits out all the toxins on the daily,” said Peterson, his stomach gurgling loudly. “Listen, my body’s in a constant state of flux. And by ‘flux,’ I mean I’m constantly shitting my goddamn brains out. Total efficiency. Everything out, all the time. Can’t get food poisoning if you can’t digest anything. Chaz taught me the value of having liquid bowel movements several times per day, including incredible weight loss. These abs are all natty, bruh, and all it takes is the frequent risk of shitting my pants at work.”

Epidemiologist Dr. Ann Blihovde explained the foolishness of this new health trend.

“Dangerous health fads like raw milk or MAHA are just grifts, pure and simple,” argued Dr. Blihovde. “And they always hurt the followers rather than the influencers and advocates because the latter are mostly doing it performatively or ironically for content. Look at those maxxing idiots. They don’t believe any of this nonsense, but their followers eat—or, in this case, drink—it up and wind up in the emergency room. Influencers are grifters, and we live in the golden age of grifting. That said, even if you’re giving yourself explosive diarrhea ironically or to prove a point, you’re still giving yourself explosive diarrhea.”

At press time, Mossner suggested drinking syrup of ipecac as a potential alternative to raw milk in the event that “they” step in and take away citizens’ food freedom.

Looksmaxxing? This Punk Took a Shower

Posted on by Trevor Graham

By now, you’ve more than likely heard of looksmaxxing, the dangerous internet trend where men document the extremes they go to in order to appear more masculine. Chances are, you’ve engaged in watching these deranged incels literally mutilate themselves as a sort of guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, the trend is beginning to spread to other subcultures. 

Derek “Squirrel Bones” Leonard, a punk who has boasted about not buying toilet paper in a decade, recently revealed via an Instagram reel that, despite his long-standing crust punk ethos, he has actually taken a shower. Time to sound the alarm bells. 

In the normie world, looksmaxxing means doing things like excessive working out or bashing the bones in your face to make your jaw wider, but in the punk world, not wanting to reek of stale beer and vomit is enough to raise concerns about your mental well-being. If you’re a regular user of the shower (gross!), you may be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” The fact of the matter is, the skin of a crust punk is an incredibly delicate ecosystem. Just one quick lather of soap can undo a lifetime of balance between lice, fungus, and various bacteria. 

Now that he has washed away decades of filth and is no longer surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies, Derek claims he is attracting more attention from women, but any coupling that results from showering is doomed to fail. No amount of grooming is going to make a lifelong crust punk compatible with a woman who drinks coffee from an insulated mug and has a 401K, health insurance, and a stable future to look forward to.

What are you doing, Derek?! What’s next? Dental hygiene? Non-alcoholic beverages? Moving out of your car and into an apartment? Where does this madness end?

While us real punks sit here in our putrid smell and our missing teeth, the Dereks of the world would have us believe that we’re actually getting too old to live like this anymore, and that this nihilistic lifestyle we started when we were much younger, before our brains were fully formed, is not actually sustainable now that we are becoming adults, and that we need to reevaluate our lives and the choices we make before it’s too late. Pathetic. 

If you believe someone you know is at risk of showering, we urge you to do the right thing and get them PBR drunk as soon as humanely possible.

Drummer Not Interviewed

Posted on by Jeff Bender

GRETNA, La. — In an interview with pop-punk quartet Nuevo Leon, rock journalist Sophia Tang absolutely stonewalled the band’s drummer, choosing instead to spotlight their lead singer, guitarist, and bassist, unfazed sources reported. 

“I just can’t believe I got these three visionaries in one room at the same time,” said Tang, whose work focuses largely on musicians who stand upright and downstage. “It’s amazing to see artists with such a strong sense of collaboration and no ego. Every song they write is credited equally to these three, and I even got them all to sign a poster for my niece—after, of course, we Xacto-knifed the weird guy in the back.” 

Drummer Steve Arizona revealed he was present at the time of the interview but “pretty tied up” taking care of chores. 

“Yeah, there’s always stuff to do during downtime when we’re not touring or recording. I had to sweep the rehearsal space, wash the dishes, load the van, offer the interviewer a drink, offer the band a drink, and buy a gift for our tour manager whose birthday’s coming up,” said the band’s founder. “At one point I was caught lingering because I knew the answer to the question. [Tang] had asked the meaning behind our hit song ‘Kurtzville,’ which I wrote. I tried to butt in, but I was shushed and had to stand by while our frontman guessed his way through an answer.” 


Foo Fighters’ lead singer Dave Grohl said the drummer “snub” didn’t surprise him at all. 

“I couldn’t believe the metamorphosis that took place when I moved from drums to vocals. It was like entering a portal into a new world,” said the drummer-turned-fronman. “Suddenly I was getting invited to parties, giving advice to young musicians, signing autographs, and even getting calls from my mom—who’d finally told her friends I was in the music biz. Nirvana was possibly the greatest grunge band of all time, but nobody cared about me until I stepped out from behind the drums. It gave me a greater appreciation for drummers everywhere and taught me never to take them for granted.” 

At press time, Grohl was writing a heartfelt thank-you letter to his drummer but had snagged on trying to remember his name.

Right-Wing Evangelical Thought Leader Assures Followers They Don’t Have To Tolerate Jewish People To Find Israel’s Ethno-Religious Apartheid Appealing 

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Pastor Ned Hendry of the New Life in the Living and Loving Waters of Jesus Church in Lynchburg assured his followers that American Evangelicals can still find Israel’s ethno-religious apartheid system appealing without the burden of liking Jewish people, confirmed sources.

“Sometimes, game has to recognize game even if they don’t like it,” said Hendry. “I can be a Bible-thumping red-blooded Christian who thinks the average Jewish person is in a conspiracy against him and still recognize that the Zionist movement is one of the most effective apartheid movements since the liberals dismantled the beautiful, beautiful state of Rhodesia. That’s why I always tell my followers they don’t have to get palsy-walsy with the J-O-Os to appreciate the construction of a religion and race-based ethnostate. We’ll build a new one here. And we’ll do it without those types of people.”

This is a message that Hendry’s flock has embraced with open arms, open ears and closed minds. 

“I was so relieved to hear him say that,” said congregant Pamela Grant. “I like the idea of a society that oppresses people based on identity. And I like the idea that returning the Jewish people to Israel will trigger the Christian rapture; an idea that makes almost too much sense. But the thought of getting buddy-buddy with people of other religions and other viewpoints makes me uncomfortable. There’s very little room in my theology for tolerance of others.”

Hendry’s messaging has even resonated in top levels of government, with a senator who chose to remain anonymous.

“It just warms my heart to see America’s Christian-Right begrudgingly pretending to have always been on good terms with Jewish people,” said the senator. “It lets us pretend we’re the non-racist ones despite decades of evidence to the contrary while also spurring on a culture war between Jews and Muslims that should play out just nicely in our favor.”

At press time, Hendry was writing a letter to Congress asking to include copies of the “Ned Hendry New and Enhanced Sing Along Bible” in all the arms shipments going to Tel Aviv in the hopes that “old Bibi might switch over.”

Yeah, Trump Is Bad, but Things Would Be Much Worse Under Bill Goldberg — Guest Post by Bret Hart

Posted on by Ian Steffé

Look, I know things are hard for you. Gas prices are high. Groceries are worse. Everything feels expensive, unstable, and like the world is held together barely. I get that frustration. But that does not mean we should ever consider Bill Goldberg for president. That’s for sure.

We need to be clear about this. Bill Goldberg is not just a bad idea. Bill Goldberg is a very specific kind of bad idea. And while people argue about Donald Trump, at least Donald Trump wrote things. About deals. You may not like them, but Donald Trump produced words, thoughts, and sentences, and it became a book. You wanna know what Bill Goldberg’s deal was? Bill Goldberg draws pictures of Bill Goldberg with speech bubbles that say, “I am awesome.” That is not policy. That’s Bill Goldberg.

It’s going to get worse if you still love Bill Goldberg. Foreign policy? This is serious. We are dealing with wars, alliances, trade routes, and global instability. You need someone who can sit in a room and think before acting. You do not put Bill Goldberg in a meeting with world leaders because Bill Goldberg is going to forget where Bill Goldberg is, stand up too fast, and accidentally kick someone in the head out of pure muscle memory. Suddenly, Angela Merkel has to retire because Bill Goldberg kicked Angela Merkel in the head. Don’t shoot the messenger. Bill Goldberg is no Disco Inferno. I like Disco Inferno. To my knowledge, Disco Inferno never kicked nobody in the head. Not like Bill Goldberg. 

Then there is the Strait of Hormuz. You do not want that controlled by instinct and shoulder tackles. You want planning, briefings, and strategy. Bill Goldberg only has one strategy, and that is walking forward and asking who is next. Bill Goldberg would just headbutt a few Iranians, get tired, and get paid. That works in wrestling. Barely. But in America, we expect results. Like not getting a concussion. From Bill Goldberg.

I mean, compare Bill Goldberg to history. George W. Bush read briefings. George W. Bush asked questions. Abraham Lincoln held the country together through patience and moral clarity. Bill Goldberg once forgot what Bill Goldberg was saying mid-sentence, ran into a production crate, and gave Bill Goldberg a concussion. That is not the same category of skill.

And that is really the point.

Because in the end, Bill Goldberg is not a solution to anything.

Bill Goldberg is a 0 out of 10.

Fuck Bill Goldberg.

Bill Goldberg.

…Bill Goldberg.

Kerry King Inspires Man to Uselessly Fuck Around on Guitar for 40 Years

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WESTMINSTER, Md. — Slayer guitarist Kerry King reportedly inspired local man Evan Tremont to uselessly fuck around on the guitar for the next four decades of his life, report concerned friends and family.

“I’ve wanted to play guitar for years, but as a metal fan, it can be pretty intimidating to think I could ever play music like this,” said Tremont while nervously picking a single note at 320 beats per minute. “When I heard Slayer and their trademark rapid picking while haphazardly catching a few dissonant notes in quick succession while cranking a wah pedal back and forth at seemingly random intervals, it all seemed very possible. I could just envision the years flying by and not learning a god damn thing about this instrument I’ll dedicate my life to.”

Tremont’s girlfriend Rebecca Thomas was less enthusiastic about the plan, and was hoping at some point he might try to improve even just a little bit.

“I’m really not sure how much longer I can take this shit,” said Thomas while searching Amazon for noise-cancelling headphones. “He keeps coming up to me and saying he learned a new song, then proceeds to just dick around all over the neck without any clue what the fuck he’s doing. It’s really shaken my plans for the future, this isn’t a phase, he’s settling in and it’s never going to get better.”

King, who saw a short clip of Tremont playing, was immediately impressed.

“For a guy that’s only practiced for like 15 minutes he seems to have all the tools he needs, he sounded really good,” said King while dusting off his guitar which sat unused for several months despite being literally within reach of his spot on the couch. “He was shredding on ‘Raining Blood,’ so fast I could barely even make it out…or maybe it was ‘South of Heaven’? Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter. If this guy approaches this with no plan, zero determination and absolutely no desire to practice, he could one day uselessly fuck around on the guitar for 40 years just like me.”

At press time, Tremont was suddenly inspired by Meg White to try his hand at fucking around on drums for 3o years or so.

Viewer Who’s Never Voted in Local Election Cannot Wait To Vote in Love Island’s

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Boise, ID – Local woman Hannah Shepard, who has not changed her voter registration since moving four years ago, cannot wait to vote in Love Island’s upcoming final vote. 

“Voting is the most important pillar of a functioning reality show. It’s our civic duty as Americans to make our voices heard, especially since international fans can’t,” Shepard said about making sure her favorite couple, “Brinity,” wins. “If we’re not making our voices heard, then others will, and we might not like what they stand for, like, they might think Sincere has changed, and real ones know he hasn’t!”

Friends of Shepard say this is the most excited she’s ever been about voting in her life. 

“I tried to get Hannah to care about any of our local elections, but she said it’s too much work to research the candidates. Now she’s watching the show every day, episode recaps on Instagram, plus she even watches Aftersun to make sure she’s up to speed on all the drama,” Gracie Lu, Shepherd’s roommate, explained. “I guess if our school board members could clamslam like Kenzie, maybe she’d care?” 

Political scientists have pointed to Love Island voting trends as something the Democratic Party could learn from. 

“People who’ve never cared about voting in their life are voting multiple times a season. If the Democratic Party ran candidates as exciting as Carl, or at least as polarizing as KC and Titi, people might actually care about getting out to the polls,” Political scientist Lisa Smith explained. “But, the only lesson the Dems would take from this is to send Gavin Newsom onto next season, and he’s probably more evil than Corbin was.”

At press time, Shepard was found canvasing her neighborhood to get people to download the Love Island app, yelling “Brinity or bust!”

Copyright My Ass, I’m Naming Our Band the “Misfits”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There’s a growing sentiment about how us white boys aren’t starting bands anymore and how it’s contributed to the decline in civilization, but that’s only half true. We are starting bands, but in my view, it feels like all the good names are already taken. And I’m not about to degrade myself and name our band after something that already exists but spelled wrong, like Soop.

So I’m saying fuck it, I don’t care if the name is already taken, popular, and heavily copyrighted, we’re calling ourselves the Misfits.

Is it crazy? Definitely. But what could be more subversive and attention-grabbing than naming ourselves after the most famous horror punk band of all time? Though, just to be clear, our sound is more of a garage punk, surfer rock vibe, so it’s not like we’re completely copying Misfits. I think we can get away with it on a technicality. Although we do have one song about vampires. Hopefully, nobody will notice.

Also, it’s not like this is a new idea. Lots of bands in the 80’s had the same name! You think the English Beat and U.K. Subs were their original names? If shit gets too hot and the lawyers come knocking, we’ll just move to Northern England and call ourselves Manchester Misfits. It’s completely foolproof.

We even mulled some ironic, adjacent names like “The Other Misfits” or “Misfits Too”, but we felt it had parallel, negative connections to the Michale Graves years, so we decided to keep it simple.

Besides, it’s not like we’re calling ourselves the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. That would be insane, because their lawyers are terrifying. Worst-case scenario, Danzig shows up at one of our houses with a hunting knife made from human bone, in which case we will simply allow our bass player to be sacrificed in hopes that it’ll be enough to satisfy our blatant disregard for trademarks.

Now I know that you’re all thinking, “But what about the merch and touring,” blah blah blah. Two words: cash only. I’d like to see the band sue us if there’s no paper trail! Plus we’ll land gigs last minute once promoters see the fucking Misfits want to play their dive bars. And once the places are packed out and the devil-locked crowd realizes five minutes in, we are not going to sing about werewolves, it’ll be too late. But that’s how you build a fanbase nowadays, right?

Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen

Posted on by Tim Graham

SEATTLE — French-Canadian experimental rock duo Angine de Poitrine scrambled to find replacements for their specialized instruments after their van was broken into, sources confirm.

“The tour was going wonderfully, but then some jerk stole our stuff,” said guitarist Khn de Poitrine via a translator. “We were in a cafe enjoying coffee and croissants—which takes considerable time due to our cumbersome masks, which we never remove—and we came outside to find our van ransacked and much of our equipment missing. When we arrived at the venue, I asked our opener if I could borrow one of their double-necked microtonal guitar/basses but they claimed they didn’t have one. Luckily, I was able to improvise a solution.”

Opening band Dry Thigh said they did their best to help out the pair.

“It was a little hard to understand them due to the language barrier and their voices being muffled by the masks,” said guitarist Jennifer Maxwell. “But we gathered they wanted to borrow an instrument from us. After a while they walked off with one of our guitars. I was happy to help them out—until I saw them sawing slits in the neck so they could install extra frets. They had also duct-taped a bass to the guitar. I tried to wrestle the instruments back from them but I kept getting hit in the face with their giant swinging dick noses, so I gave up. That being said, they put on a good show.”

Veteran guitar tech Henry Quint always advises bands he’s working with to tour with backup gear. 

“Ordinarily, borrowing a guitar from another band on the bill is no big deal,” said Quint while winding cables in the proper way. “I once loaned a guitar to Evan Dando after he traded his for some dope right before a show. But if you’ve got customized gear, it’s going to be harder to borrow a replacement. One time I was doing tech for a band that opened for Rammstein. Apparently, the airline lost their guitar/flamethrower thing, so they asked if they could borrow one of ours. I had to explain that none of our guitars shoot 30-foot geysers of fire.”

At press time, a local petty criminal had reportedly attempted to pawn Angine de Poitrine’s iconic double-necked instrument, as well as a set of black-and-white polka-dotted monogrammed luggage.

New Couple Blissfully Unaware Relationship Won’t Survive First Game Night

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

MINNEAPOLIS — New couple Rachel Kim and Tyler Bennett were reportedly blissfully unaware that their relationship would not survive its first game night, with both describing the romance as remarkably easy and natural despite the fact that it was only hours away from collapsing entirely, sources confirmed Friday.

“We just click, you know? We share the same values, communicate well, and just really respect each other,” said Bennett, still unfamiliar with each other’s remarkably specific definitions of fairness and desperate need to be right. “Everything has been so effortless. It feels like we’ve known each other forever. I could see this one going all the way. Can’t wait for game night tonight. I’m really into knowing all the rules. She seems more easygoing about it, but I’m sure that won’t be an issue.”

Game night host and friend, Evan Morales, says he can already see the cracks forming.

“Things started going south the second someone suggested Drawful,” said Morales, noting the whole night was simply a series of increasingly personal attacks disguised as playful trash talk. “Tyler joked that Rachel couldn’t even make stick figures, which clearly hurt her feelings. Then Rachel accused Tyler of giving a psychotic clue during Codenames before telling him he was being too sensitive. Then after a losing round of Mario Party they both took a full 15-minute break in different rooms to cool down. At one point somebody broke out a Bop It hoping it would cut the tension, but somehow that made things way worse. After that it was obvious they were not making it to tomorrow.”

Relationship therapist Dr. Melissa Grant explained the risks game night poses to new couples.

“Early relationships can survive for months or longer on simple attraction and mutual optimism, until game night introduces scorekeeping, rule disputes, and passive-aggressive public humiliation,” said Grant. “That’s when the couple finally gets to see each other’s full personality, communication style, and capacity for handling minor perceived injustices. It forces the couple to let their guard down and expose their underlying paranoid insecurities that everyone they know and love secretly hates them. Typically, relationships require a full game of Monopoly or Cards Against Humanity to completely dissolve, but honestly, I’ve seen one round of Bananagrams send couples right off a fucking cliff.”

At press time, the couple had reportedly begun using the word “babe” as a slur.

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