Couple Way Too Hot To Be Punk 

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — A young couple recently sighted at a local punk show was deemed way too attractive to actually be punk, sources who haven’t looked at themselves in the mirror for a month confirmed.

“I was at a basement show on Friday, and in the middle of all the sweaty, disgusting crowd, I noticed this couple that was way hot. They were both so gorgeous that I just watched them instead of whatever shitty band was playing,” said local punk Brent Williams. “At first I thought that they must be lost and found their way to this show for help, but then I noticed they were both wearing legit band shirts and not like the ones you get from your aunt at Christmas. So weird.”

The couple has also been seen around the city and in locally owned shops, including an independent record store.

“I was restocking vinyl at the shop when I saw them walk in through the door. My first thought was ‘Oh great, these poseurs are going to ask where they can find the new Green Day,’ but then they were browsing through the ‘90s hardcore section and were grabbing Shai Hulud and Unbroken records, and I almost spilled my kombucha on my beard,” said record store employee Chris Janson. “It’s not fair. People that attractive shouldn’t be allowed in the scene. Ugly music is for ugly, lonely people. I might need to be extra dismissive and elitist to all my customers for a while just to work through my jealousy.”

Punk historian Jenny Patterson says that although rare, there have been hot couples throughout the history of punk, but noted that they are often shunned by their unattractive peers.

“If you go back to the ‘70s era, you could argue Sid and Nancy were the original hot punk couple and were ostracized from the true London punks of the day,” said Patterson. “The problem most of these hot punk couples face is that since they are aesthetically beautiful on the outside, they ostensibly have had an easier life than your average mediocre-looking person who gets into this kind of music. The punk ethos is built around the DIY mindset, and it’s tough for many to believe that attractive people do anything for themselves.”

At press time, the hot couple was seen at an anti-ICE protest and were asked by other protestors to put masks on — not to hide their identity from authorities but so that no one feels bad about themselves.

Opinion: The Lion Does Not Concern Itself With Losing Custody of Its Children

Posted on by Ben Friedman

When it comes to family, I have always seen myself as the alpha lion leading his pride. And as such, I don’t have time to listen to whiny liberals and family members complain about my parenting style, which is to be as hands-off as possible until I beat them for touching my truck. Annoyingly, though, my ex-wife thinks raising our children to be emotionally distant bullies is a bad thing just because our therapist told her so.

But the lion does not concern itself with the opinions of sheep, nor does it care about losing custody of its children.

Lions are providers, and I will continue to provide for my family even if that means having to do it from a cheap studio apartment with supervised visits on weekends. What my brainwashed sheep of an ex doesn’t understand is that providing can manifest itself in different ways, like taking all the money we set aside for the family vacation and investing in a MAGA store in rural Pennsylvania. Even she has to admit that was a pretty good two-week run.

As you can see by the tactical vest and sunglasses I bought from Amazon, I am radiating the vibe of someone who’s not to be fucked with, and that I am no longer burdened with my kids asking for hugs and reassurance that I love them. This body is 100% empathy free and will remain so as long as I don’t get dragged into family court again for making my progeny sleep on the floor without blankets again. Have any of you seen a pride of lions prowling the savannah, tearing apart lesser creatures just to sleep in a bed? Exactly.

Last time I checked, the female lions were the ones hunting for food and raising the cubs, while the males provide safety and defend their territory. So no, I’m not going to heed anyone’s calls to keep my guns unloaded and locked away. That’s exactly what my enemies want me to do, specifically, my kid’s new stepdad.

So next time you ask me how my kids are doing, just remember that they don’t speak to me and I don’t give a shit. Unless they finally wake up and join me in eating an all-raw-meat diet and sliding into the DM’s of OnlyFans models, they can waste their lives in a “safe and nurturing environment”. Fucking pussies..

ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse” part of the Disturbed single “Down With the Sickness,” therapy-avoiding sources confirmed.

“It’s the first song on my ‘Fuck Shit Up’ playlist,” Blacksmith explained while removing the battery from his body camera. “When it gets to that part where he’s yelling at his mom. Fuck, man! That rules! When he says ‘you stupid, sadistic, abusive, fucking whore, how would you like to see how it feels, mommy?’ That always gets me choked up. I mean, it’s just a beautiful moment in parenting. Your child is supposed to be scared of you and this song perfectly encapsulates that sentiment. That’s exactly how I parent today. I am forever thankful for Disturbed’s parental guidance.”

Local metalhead Drew Swinkel thinks Blacksmith has his choice of favorite Disturbed song totally backwards. 

“That’s some pussy shit,” Swinkel opined. “Now, ‘The Sound of Silence,’ that’s what I’m talking about! That’s some real motherfucking feeling! ‘Cause that’s, like, some mature shit. Even my dad thought it was cool when I played it in the car on the way to the shooting range. I’m definitely gonna start off my funeral with that one. I can’t believe how deep that dude reached to write such a masterpiece!” 

Disturbed frontman David Draiman is happy that his music resonates with the self-proclaimed “alpha males” of society. 

“When I wrote ‘Down With the Sickness,’ I was letting out all of these animal instincts,” Draiman explained as he was autographing a series of munitions for an upcoming limited-edition Disturbed release. “I swear, my IQ lowered by 30% when that ‘ooh WAH-AH-AH-AH!’ came out. The song has become a meathead anthem over the years, and I couldn’t be happier — I mean, look at me! Whether you’re fucking up Hamas or terrorizing innocent American citizens, it’s the perfect soundtrack.”

At press time, Blacksmith confirmed he’d also be into “Stupify” if it weren’t for the fact that the lyrics are about Draiman’s relationship with a Latina.

Man Watches ‘V for Vendetta’ To Experience Complete Fantasy About a Person Who Does Something Against Fascism

Posted on by Trevor Graham

TEANECK, N.J. — Local man Derek Logan watched the 2005 film “V for Vendetta” to experience the completely fictional story of what it would be like for one person to actually do something against a fascist government, local sources who do not remember the fifth of November confirmed.

“There’s so much going on in the world that I just want to sit back and immerse myself in a fantasy setting where someone takes actual action to fight back against an authoritarian state. What a nice escape from reality it is,” said Logan. “I mean, yes, I like the part where we find out the main character is basically a super soldier because of some experiment gone wrong, blah, blah, blah. But to me the real fiction is that he uses his powers and resources to stop a system run by tyrants. Must be nice.”

Logan’s girlfriend says that although he has mostly been into sci-fi and fantasy genres, he is looking for a new escape in the media he consumes.

“He’s always been into all those sci-fi space movies and also anything with wizards or dragons. But now he says all those types of movies seem to be believable now and that he wants to watch something that is completely unrealistic, like someone resisting authoritarianism,” said Dara Williams. “He recently watched a documentary on the French Resistance during WWII, and he kept saying how it should’ve won for best fictional screenplay. I kept explaining how it was all actually true, but he just wouldn’t believe me and just said, ‘There’s no way anyone would ever do something like this in real life.’”

Movie critic Harold Brentwood says that some motion pictures like “V for Vendetta” can be a source of catharsis.

“Some people find films that have a protagonist who does literally anything to battle against overwhelming forces of dictatorship to be a cathartic release from the realities of modern life,” said Brentwood. “I think it’s important for the entertainment industry to continue producing new stories of brave people who make even the smallest effort to combat global fascism. The challenge will be for these stories to have some grounding in reality, though, despite how momentously far they are from actual life.”

At press time, Logan was seen watching international news, thinking it was a new fictional series where world leaders from other countries can actually be women.

9 Dogs I Genuinely Think Should Have More Rights Than Michael Rapaport

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Reeking of dark energy and with a skin tone I can only describe as “Libertarian,” Michael Rappaport has unfortunately made a resurgence in the past few years. Whether you hate him from a brain-melting manosphere podcast, one of his social media rants on Israel, or simply saw 30 seconds of him on The Traitors, we can all agree the man should be stripped of his rights and autonomy. Let’s get right into it. Here are 9 dogs I genuinely think should have more rights than Michael Rapaport: 

1. My dog: Let’s start with the basics. A perfect mix of chihuahua and Jack Russell Terrier. She has one eye and two extra toes. She also has object permanence, which I will not speak further on nor accept comments about. The point here is, she’s a gorgeous and profoundly smart girl. Michael Rapaport is, at best, a disgusting & demonic zionist. You tell me who you’d rather allow to vote in the next election.

2. Aloka, The North Carolina Peace Dog: She belongs to a group of Buddhist Monks. Need I say more? 

3. Wasabi: A Pekingese who won the 2021 Westminster Dog Show. That is what peak manhood should look like. Smart as a whipper snapper and a performer in all senses of the word, Wasabi could woo even the grumpiest of characters. Let’s just say, he could do Deep Blue Sea, but Michael Rappaport could never do Westminster.

4. Balto (Posthumous): Balto did more with one paw in one week than Michael Rapaport has done with his whole body his entire life. That’s all.

5. Glen Powell’s Dog, Brisket: Hear me out. Yes, Glen Powell strongly resembles a capybara, and sometimes that can be scary. As untrue as it sounds, he is not a capybara demon, and he cannot hurt you. He is, though, the owner of a beautiful little mutt that looks like a miniature Falkor from Never Ending Story. Michael Rappaport looks like a miniature giant that, when it shrunk down to human size, its skin didn’t quite land right, and sometimes it’s like he has a mask on. That’s even scarier than a capybara-man hybrid.

6. Huntsville’s Famous Cosmo: Instead of turning to Puxatawney Phil for all the answers, Huntsville, Alabama, residents rely on Cosmo to predict the weather forecast for the weeks ahead via 2 dog bowls. He’s a pillar of the community and has been serving in his role for almost 5 years. Michael Rappaport is a pillar — A pillar of smoke that goes up the ass of homophobic zionist nut jobs just so he can stay relevant. 

7. Gromit: I told myself I wouldn’t do cartoon dogs.  It’s sort of an unfair comparison…but life is unfair. Isn’t it, Michael Rapaport? To be completely honest, the fact that Gromit isn’t on a coin, but Rapaport is on the Traitors, is proof that the equilibrium of light and dark within our universe is off kilter.

8. Bluey: Bluey doesn’t count as a cartoon because he is also a mover and a shaker. An activist in the form of a cartoon dog, if you will. I think if you said the word ‘activism’ to Michael Rapaport on the right day, he would just hemorrhage and bleed out internally. Or at least, here’s hoping! 

9. This random chihuahua my friend sent me a video of on Instagram reels: No, I don’t know its government name. That doesn’t stop me from knowing that the world would be a safer place if said dog had the right to carry rather than Michael Rappaport.

Band Touring Through Oregon Loses Member to Dysentery

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

OREGON CITY, Ore. — Florida band The Schticks reportedly lost their bass player Lars “Puke Boy” Barkerton to dysentery while touring from Missouri to Oregon, confirmed sources.

“We’ve been on the road for a few weeks now and I just thought the guy was super stinky and gassy, like, even on a good day this guy was shitting his pants. We certainly didn’t call him Puke Boy for nothing,” grieving bandmate Fatima Singh stated. ”It’s fair to say that the third river crossing was simply too much for him or maybe it was a combination of malnutrition from a steady diet of ramen cooked in venue bathroom sinks. I just would have assumed the amount of straight whiskey he consumed every night would have killed any kind of gut bacteria.”

The impact of such a loss came to a shock to all the members including their roadie who has seen plenty of disasters working with bands on the road.

“I’ve toured through almost every landlocked state in America, and this loss hits hard,” veteran roadie Jody Parker stated. “Aside from this tragedy, I kept telling Puke Boy to stop shooting and killing every animal he found at rest stops. He kept saying he was going to eat them but we couldn’t handle the additional load! As a vegan, his death kinda feels like karma, but it is certainly still sad as hell. Honestly, this is even worse than the time I toured with folk punk band The Scumrats and we lost three of seven members to Big D and the Kids Table. Don’t they already have enough members?!”

Historians have long documented the dangers of touring through Oregon.

“It’s not uncommon to see these types of losses. It’s like these punks don’t understand the extreme difference between pioneering music versus pioneering land,” explained historian Dr. Carla Martina. “You can’t just show up and colonize new music scenes without factoring in the hazards, such as broken limbs, venomous critters, and completely preventable bacterial infections. Musicians and teachers seem to share the inability to handle the Oregon trail as well as, say, a banker would. Sorry, I will not elaborate on this historically authentic fact.”The Schticks were last observed returning to the ER for a snakebite the drummer received while loading gear in the back of the van.

Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including having sex with advisor Corey Lewandowski on taxpayer-funded luxury jets, according to a surprise post on his Truth Social account earlier today. 

“It saddens me to say that Kristi Noem has proven to be an ineffective head of the DHS,” said Trump. “She has misappropriated funds, she’s botched PR disaster after PR disaster, and worst yet, I have it on good authority that she is an extremely selfish lover. This country deserves a Homeland Security secretary who can handle the responsibilities and stresses of the position while providing Corey with the tender, attentive love-making he so desperately needs. Lord knows he’s not getting it at home. The taxpayers of this country can rest easy knowing that the mile-high sexual exploits they fund will be extremely gratifying to both participants going forward.” 

At press time, Mullin was reportedly psyching himself up for initiation by pacing his office and chanting “It’s just a dog” over and over again. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.

9 Tax Prep Tips That Will Drive Your Seasonal Depression Into a Place Beyond Repair

Posted on by Violet Meeker

This year’s tax season is tapping you on the shoulder whilst you live through not just December, but also the detrimental impacts of global warming AND world war three. The devil calls that a triple threat! Since it looks like that depression is going to stick around anyway, you might as well fork over all your spending money to the government so they can keep working on their little projects. That being said, let’s rip off the band-aid and go over a few tax prep tips that will drive your seasonal depression into a place beyond repair: 

  1. Make sure to submit both your federal and state W-4 so that you can continue to be squeezed dry on every paycheck until you retire. Oh, wait, silly! Social Security is going to run out by 2032, so go ahead and prepare to work for the rest of your life.
  1. If you need to fill out a W-9, just remember that you’ll never benefit from taxes while under a fascist state. It’s simply not possible!
  2. Organize your receipts so you can see all the mistakes you made this year. Maybe even reflect on if that super sick chrome air fryer was worth it. You could always try hunting down everyone you bummed a smoke to in 2025 and see if they’ll write you receipts.
  3. Make a spending tracker for the following year — Or don’t! Your money isn’t really yours anyway. The government has been tracking you since you were born and they’re watching you spiral as we speak!
  4. To get a tax extension, contact the IRS at least 23-70 years before filing so that they can be ready by next tax season. Or maybe the one after that. Or the one after that one.
  5. Keep track of your loans. Doing so can help remind you that you entered this world free and you will die owing the government. Just as God intended.
  6. Research where your taxes are going — Not only will it piss you off, it’ll also make you sad! You’re killing kids in other countries, and you have no say in the matter. Yay futility and hopelessness! 
  7. Double-check your Social Security number. Around 1 billion people were victims of data breaches in 2025 alone. If you’re lucky, you could have a credit card you don’t even know about!
  8. Do your taxes early. If you’re already a cog in the machine, you may as well offer up your shekels in a timely manner.

Follow these tips, and you’ll be settled up with Uncle Sam in no time, no matter how deep into the sunken place you’ve fallen! And if you’re having thoughts of self-harm, remember, that’s never the answer. If you’re not around next year, whose going to pay your taxes?!

Five Underrated Death Metal Albums You Might as Well Discuss in This Job Interview Since They’re Clearly Not Going To Hire You

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh shit, this interview is not going well. As soon as this guy used the phrase “income statement”, you knew your decision to embellish your resume was coming back to bite you in the ass. In your defense, though, having watched the first season of “Industry” is kind of the same as having an economics degree from Northwestern, so you basically didn’t lie at all. Whatever. He’s clearly not going to make you an offer, so why not talk about these five underrated old-school death metal albums?

  1. Deteriorate – Rotting in Hell (1993)

These Philly maniacs deliver one hell of a gem filled with sick-ass Deicide worship, but your interviewer (what was his name? Oh yeah, Nathan) doesn’t seem like he’s heard it. Furthermore, he doesn’t seem the slightest bit interested. Even a little aggravated. Whoops.

  1. Necrosanct – Incarnate (1992)

What was this job title called, anyway? Financial Systems Analyst? That sounds right. What does that even mean? It probably has nothing to do with Necrosanct, which fucking sucks because this album sounds a lot like Bolt Thrower’s “Realm of Chaos”. Nathan is furrowing his brow as you’re talking about this. Better throw in an impressive-sounding finance word. Try “currency”. That’ll do it. You might get this job after all.

  1. Blackthorn – The Rotten Ways of Human Misery (1993)

This album should be much more well-known than it is. It’s like Mexico’s answer to Obituary. Nathan looks like he plays golf and listens to 3 Doors Down, though, so you might as well not even mention that. Actually, fuck it. Go ahead. Who even cares at this point?

  1. Mordicus – Dances From Left (1993)

Ugh, he just flat-out said he’s not going to hire you. Not only that, they’re going to stop working with the recruiter who set up this interview. Still, no real harm in mentioning that this Finnish LP sounds just like an early Entombed or Dismember album. Nathan might dig the cover, at least. Maybe he’s into freaky shit.

  1. Ceremony – Tyranny From Above (1993)

OK, he just called security on you. You might’ve been able to say that death metal’s strange but stellar quality is an allegory for you in this job consideration. Damnit, you really should’ve led with that. Oh well. Maybe save it for the interview you have next week for that aerospace engineering position.

MAGA Releases Anti-Woke Mad Libs With All Pronouns Replaced by Racial Slurs

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local MAGA Republican Richard Goiter released a new conservative version of Mad Libs where all pronouns have been replaced by racial slurs, confirmed eye-rolling sources. 

“This is all an effort to own the Mad Libs,” an impassioned Goiter explained. “Every year another racial slur is lost to political correctness and I hate to see our language and our culture being erased. I want future generations to not only know these slurs, but know who to use them against. We are talking about words that came over on the Mayflower. Words that have been used throughout history by great American patriots from Christopher Columbus to Hulk Hogan. Do you know what happens after I inhale three cans of computer duster and scratch a big beautiful slur onto a bathroom stall? The next day, poof. It’s gone. Someone will paint over it. What happened to free speech?”

Insurrectionist Eric Graham was first in line to purchase seven copies of the game. 

“Hell yeah! Trump forever! I can’t wait to see those Mad Libs cry over this one! They want us to use pronouns? There’s no way we will ever do that. I won’t, she won’t, he won’t,” a riled up Graham stated. “What makes this game so fun is that it isn’t WOKE at all. It’s not for crybabies that are sensitive about everything. Fathers passing down racial slurs to their sons is a right of passage. We aren’t gonna let the liberal elite prevent hardworking Americans like me from doing that. That’s why I want to give a copy to my son Ryfle, but some liberal judge said I’m not allowed to have contact with him just because I punched his mom repeatedly in the head when she said Trump was a pedo.”

Local English teacher Meredith York took issue with the changes made by Goiter to what she felt was already a fun, educational game. 

“It’s just absurd to think pronouns are somehow ‘woke.’ Pronouns are essential parts of speech just like adjectives and verbs. I consider myself a moderate and as long as a state-appointed genitalia checker has confirmed that the pronouns match the goods, we should be free to use them. As for the racial slurs, I think it’s a bit crass to put them in a game like that. When I was young we said these words quietly and later denied it. That’s what we need to get back to, expressing our racism with plausible deniability.”

At the time of print, Goiter decided to donate his profits to Christians Against Literacy, an organization that strives to bring children back to church by limiting their education and closing all doors that don’t lead them to Jesus.