Marlboro Introduces Non-Marijuana Cigarette for Dry 4/20

Posted on by Bob Kerr

RICHMOND, Va. — Tobacco giant Marlboro, in a bid to capitalize on the sober-curious movement, is introducing a line of non-marijuana cigarettes for those looking to enjoy 4/20 stone-free, confirmed sources.

“We are extremely excited to have a non-marijuana option for people who want to commemorate the holiday, but would still like to remember where they left their keys at the end of the day,” said Marlboro spokesperson Marcus Kerrigan. “We know that everyone wants to celebrate the holiday of herbs, but we here at Marlboro recognize that some people would prefer a healthy alternative to weed. With our selection of marijuana-free cigarettes, people can enjoy toking that won’t make them polish off a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch while watching a single episode of ‘I Think You Should Leave’ before falling asleep at 6:30 p.m. on the couch”

The campaign has some people excited, such as Martine Nixon, who considers herself a reformed reefer ripper.

“It’s great that I can smoke up with my friends without the pressures of enjoying cerebral jokes or creating interesting music,” said Nixon before heaving a sigh as she lit up one of Marlboro’s patented non-wacky tabacky cigarettes. “And if I can be honest, it’s nice to just puff, puff, without all that passing because no one around me wants anything to do with these cigs. And I like that it still contains all the hazardous ingredients of a cigarette. It’s like my body won’t know the difference.”

However, some detractors are cautioning faux-potheads that just because the cigarettes lack the THC compound, it may not be the wisest choice to ring in Mary Jane’s big day.

“It’s a cigarette,” said oncologist Dr. Tina Haliwell. “It’s a major carcinogen. If you don’t want to get high on 4/20, then you don’t have to smoke anything. Chew a piece of gum or suck on a lollipop if you have to put something in your mouth. Eat a giant turkey leg. Or drink a 24-pack of Coors Light and do meth. I don’t really care what you do, just don’t smoke cigarettes.”

At press time, Haribo announced that it plans to release a line of non-ganja gummies for the upcoming festivities.

Owala Designs Bottle Specifically for Parents To Drink Booze During Boring Children’s Events

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

LEHI, Utah — Trove Brands, the exclusive drinkware brand behind Owala, announced a new bottle designed specifically for parents to drink booze during their children’s incredibly boring events, confirmed sources.

“There was a hole in the recital and little league alcohol consumption market, and we really needed to do something about this,” said Michael Sorenson, CEO of Trove Brands. “We just needed something to put beer, wine, or Mike’s Hard Lemonade in when I have to go to my daughter’s choir concert. I love my daughter, don’t get me wrong, she’s my world, but she doesn’t even have a solo. She’s just up there singing in a group of kids I don’t really give a shit about. What a snoozefest. It’s five o’clock somewhere and that somewhere is the elementary school auditorium.” 

A spokesperson for Owala said the special display will be in between Jack Daniels and Barefoot Contessa. 

“My son just started kid-pitch baseball, and he can’t throw or hit a slider for shit,” slurred mom influencer Cindy Bauchmann, who has over 750,000 followers on Instagram. “I would do and will do anything for my son, but I’d preferably like to do it a little buzzed. If I can have a few at a youth baseball game, why can’t I discreetly drink a 32 ounce bottle of Pinot Grigio when my son and his friends walk and/or hit every batter they face?”

Stephanie Carsons, the Associate Director of the Institute of Child Development for the University of Minnesota’s famed Child Psychology Center, praised Owala for giving something back to parents who support their children.

“Showing up is the name of the game. Your blood alcohol levels are irrelevant,” said Carsons. “We all know the things our kids do are really, really boring. Hell, my kid is playing soccer right now. Soccer. I live in Minnesota. You do the math on that. It fucking sucks. If I’m sitting out there supporting the K-Pop Demon Hunter Kickerz or whatever name they chose, it’s important for kids at that age to have some decision-making autonomy. I’m absolutely going to be doing it with a 64 ounce ice-cold gin and tonic in my Boozala. Cheers.” 

At press time, Trove Brands announced that they will also be manufacturing a bottle for alcohol consumption specifically at boring office jobs.

Feel Old Yet? The Nazi-Saluting Kids in the “Jeremy” Music Video All Work in the Trump Administration Now!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Yeesh, time sure is moving fast for those of us who grew up in the nineties, isn’t it? From hearing our old favorite tunes playing in the grocery store to our childhood video games now being described as “retro”, the near-constant reminders of how old we’ve gotten can sure be exhausting. Well, it’s about to get even worse, because remember the iconic music video for Pearl Jam’s 1992 hit “Jeremy”? It turns out all of the Nazi-saluting children have grown up and are now working in the Trump administration!

Ugh! Feeling old, anyone?

Man, this is so crazy. Doesn’t it seem like yesterday that we were watching these spry youngsters performing the fascist hand gesture and bullying one of their classmates to the point of suicide on MTV? Now they’re apparently all full-grown adults who are basically doing the same thing while in the employ of our current President Donald Trump. Seriously, how does time go by so fast? 

Take, for example, the husky young man with the slightly disheveled hairstyle seated near the back of the classroom, who appears perhaps a little too eager to show off one of the most recognizable demonstrations of Germany’s darkest era. Look familiar to you? That’s right! He’s none other than current Vice President J.D. Vance! Man, he’s really stuck to his principles over these past few decades, hasn’t he? And who’s that studious young lady with the dutiful posture at the head of the last column of pupils? You guessed it! That’s Attorney General Pam Bondi! You can tell she’s had that strong work ethic and slavish, craven lack of principles her entire life!

Wow! While we have to hand it to these kids and congratulate them for their accomplishments, we can’t help but feel like it might be time to start touring some nursing homes for ourselves!

We guess all we can do at this point is throw up our hands and wonder where the time went. It’s going to be difficult rewatching the music video going forward with the newfound knowledge that the pre-pubescent Nazis on the screen are now fully-grown Nazis in charge of running the country, but we’re just going to accept the fact that we’re old and try our best to not let it bother us. After all, with the job they’re doing, it’s not like we’ll even have a country for much longer, which is nice since we can certainly do with one less sign of how rapidly we’re aging!

Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you are involved in a PG-rated movie chase scene, sources report.

“Our findings indicate that hearing those opening power chords is still the best way to surmise whether a movie chase is about to happen,” head researcher Amrita Bhattacharya noted. “This could be due to a building security guard catching some rad teens rollerblading where they’re not supposed to, or a scatterbrained middle school principal happening upon his coolest student while he’s skipping class. While preventative measures are still being researched, affected individuals can avoid being prominently displayed in these chases by appearing to be as cool as possible, as we all know that stodgy, out-of-touch adults are the most susceptible.”

Unwilling chase participant Gerard Bunnell reflected on the findings.

“I’ve been involved in quite a few PG-rated movie chase scenes, and this definitely makes sense,” said Bunnell. “Whether I’ve just put on my horn-rimmed glasses and sat down on a park bench to read a boring newspaper or am driving my 1985 Pontiac Bonneville to my nerdy finance job, when I start to hear ‘One Way or Another,’ I know I’m about to either have my newspaper fly out of my hands due to the rush of a teenager whizzing by with a bully he just pantsed hot on his trail, or have to stop my car suddenly while some helmeted kid on a skateboard ollies onto my car and does a sick kickflip off of it. I just wish there was a way to make myself cooler so I could avoid these situations entirely.”

Music and film expert Baoli Lee elaborated further on the report.

“These are exciting findings,” Lee provided. “The researchers have done monumental work in linking ‘One Way or Another’ to situations that thousands of people find themselves in every day. I’d like to piggyback on Dr. Bhattacharya’s advice by recommending that targeted individuals try strategies like carrying a skateboard everywhere they go or getting Lasik surgery, because cool people are statistically 63% less likely to have their briefcases opened and papers fly everywhere because they got caught up in one of these chases.”

At press time, Bhattacharya had also discovered that hearing “Bad to the Bone” is a leading indicator that you’re about to be confronted by a Harley-riding bad boy.

Tesla Programmed To Drive Exactly in Your Blind Spot

Posted on by Nick Brandt

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla Inc. is reportedly manufacturing their vehicles to drive intentionally in motorists’ field-of-view blind spots, confirmed frustrated sources.

“Listen, I know how it sounds, but Elon said there’s a good reason for it. Something about trolling other drivers, I think,” said Zach Cooper, project coordinator for the Tesla AI Team. “Every week Elon pulls us out of the office with some harebrained scheme plagiarized from 10-year-old Reddit comments and we have to drop everything. We’re working on the Chungus Protocol right now, want to know what it does? It just tailgates drivers for no reason. Soon we’ll be coding a Doge emblem in the HUD. As for the blind spot autopilot, we had to outsource our training data to those little fish who suck themselves onto the sides of sharks, remoras I think.”

Tesla drivers weigh in on the supposed parasitism at work in their autonomous drive.

“It’s all pretty impressive if you ask me,” said frequent driver and Tesla owner Theodore Van Roberts. “One button and the Tesla surfs towards the mighty highway shark, drafting off a larger vehicle’s slipstream with the smooth superior curves of a Tesla. I can feel Elon smile upon me as the Tesla gets right into the sweet spot of a highway brute’s car. It’s simply brains-over-brawn if you will. Driving is so pedestrian, and through superior technology we have evolved beyond it. Now when I’m behind the wheel I get to focus on my Reels.”

Other drivers don’t seem to share such an optimistic outlook.

“Autopilot is the cuck chair of the highway,” said proud F150 owner Garth Dean. “Letting someone else drive your truck, letting a machine? Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I don’t even shoulder check anymore because I know there’s a Tesla right where my mirrors can’t see. Drifting into my blind spot like the Viet Cong, goddamn Tesla. You know, I keep a cup full of ball bearings in my truck now, one of them Big Gulp’s full of steel marbles. Sometimes I toss a handful out the driver’s side window just for the hell of it. Let’s see the AI handle some unpredictable hazards the American way.”

At press time, Tesla also announced that it will be programming Cybertrucks to have their brights on right behind drivers at all hours of the day.

We Sat Down With Porn Enthusiast Mike Johnson To See What He and His Son Have Been Jacking off to Lately

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you’re reading this, we know you’re just as much of a fan of sucking, fucking, and stroking as we are, so we’ve got a special treat for you this week. We managed to nab an interview with our current Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who revealed some slutty personal details in a 2022 interview. 

Apparently, just fucking his hand on the daily isn’t enough for the nastiest little cumfreak in Louisiana’s fourth congressional district, and the depraved, elven cock-fanatic involves his own son in his daily Onanistic indulgences through the use of web monitoring app Covenant Eyes! We thought we were horny fucks, but this puts even us to shame! Here’s what the dirty spermshooter had to say in between repeated bouts of jerking his hard cock:

Hard Times: It’s great to meet you, Congressman Johnson! We won’t keep you long, because we know you and your son probably have a special evening planned.

Mike Johnson: Excuse me?

HT: So what have you been into lately?

MJ: Oh, uh, well, President Trump and I have worked to resist the Democrats’ plans to defund the Department of Homeland Security through—

HT: Oh yeah, and we bet you’re starting to pearl up at the thought of that, huh?

MJ: I’m sorry, I don’t follow.

HT: Oh come on, out with it, you greasy little pervert. We know you’re aching to tell us what filthy porn you and your hornball son have been emptying your nuts to. Is it hentai creampies? Edging JOI vids? Bizarre insertions? We’re so excited to hear that we’re about to blast ropes like Spiderman!

MJ: OK, I think I may have been misled with this interview.

HT: Oh, come on, out with it! Tell us what you and your kid have been pulling your puds to!

MJ: Good day to you.

HT: Congressman? 

There you have it. The man is so debased that he left us quivering in our interview chairs, begging for more, as he undoubtedly ran back to his office to fap himself silly. Honestly, we thought we had seen it all up to this point, but one meeting with Mike Johnson showed us the true depths of debauchery that a human can sink to. Stay tuned for our interview next week with humiliation kink aficionado Marco Rubio.

Metallica Fans Now Choosing Between Fuel, Fire, and That Which They Desire Due to Trump Economy

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

BARSTOW, Calif. — Metallica fans across the nation are feeling the pinch of the Trump economy and are having to choose between fuel, fire, and that which they desire, confirmed sources feeling the financial strain on their chain wallets.

“Hell, lately, I can only afford to seek or destroy. Not both,” said Chuck Furley as he ashed a Marlboro Red 100 on his filthy Pantera t-shirt. “When I used to get done working down at the Pork’n Palace, I’d come home to a meatloaf TV dinner and pop on ‘Ride The Lightning.’ I was living like a king before Trump. And now I have to choose between a quarter tank of gas, wood for my stove, or four hot dogs and a truck stop boner pill. Worse yet, I was only able to afford one-third of the ‘72 Seasons’ album digitally. Probably for the best actually.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is feeling the pinch as well. 

“Look, we get it. It’s tough out there for everyone, but if we don’t sell these $5,000 Snake Pit Sphere tickets I don’t think I’ll be able to upgrade the trashcans I used to record ‘St. Anger’ on,” said Ulrich. “At the end of the day, we rely on these schmucks to pony up their hard-earned dough to see us, I mean, what else are they gonna do? Go see a fake metal band like Ghost or buy breakfast?!”

Tom Skeen, local record store owner and self-proclaimed “rock economist,” explained the truth about what’s really impacting Metallica fans everywhere.

“Normally, the rock economy has been fairly stable for Metallica even though they cut their hair off over 30 years ago. However, we have seen a decline in interest for them due to Metallica’s lack of rock relevance over the last decade,” said Skeen. “Traditionally, markets indicated that you could afford to go see any metal band on titty bar bouncer wages. However, Metallica fans have specifically had to make really tough decisions like going to see Metallica live, pay rent, or finally getting that liver transplant done in Mexico that they’ve been putting off because the health insurance at their strip club only covers tetanus shots and Clorox Wipes.”

At press time, broke Metallica fans admitted that they were only able to afford “Garage, Inc.” on vinyl instead of “Master of Puppets.”

Hegseth Prays for Blessing From Boondock Saints

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm. 

“Alright, I’m gonna ask everyone to hold hands, but not in a gay way! Anyone holding hands in a weak, LGBTQ manner will be dismissed immediately,” began Hegseth to his staff, adding “You know what? Skip the hand holding, we’re not girls. As you all know, the bible is an incredibly important part of my warrior ethos. I would like you all to join me in reciting this important passage. ’And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.’ Leviticus, 13:12. May the Saints of Boondock be our guiding hand!” 

Officials present for the prayer meeting found the proceedings to be hollow and uninspiring. 

“Yeah, he pretty clearly thinks the Boondock Saints are actual saints,” confided a top Pentagon official who chose to remain anonymous. “Also we looked up Leviticus 13:12 and it’s nothing like that, it’s just like a mandate for treating leprosy. This is like when I first expressed hesitation over attacking Iran and he just recited The Litany of Fear from Dune, or, as Hegseth called it, Luke 20:16. That man is not well” 

The official reported similar incidents of Hegseth’s performative and wildly inaccurate quotings of scripture.

“His first meeting of the Chief’s he opened with ‘God Grant me the power to change what I can, and the serenity to kick ass.’ He then attributed the quote to his favorit book of the bible, The Book of Eli. We all know Pete doesn’t know shit about the bible, but is he even watching these movies?” 

At press time Hegseth was meeting with his top spiritual advisors, Troy Duffy and Harvey Weinstein. 

Has Technology Gone Too Far? AI Just Came for This Guy’s Job as Well as His Wife, Kids, and Assets

Posted on by Bobby Korec

First, it came for Aaron Blake’s software developer job. Then it confiscated his wife and children. And if that wasn’t enough, AI just came for Aaron’s four-bedroom house, Honda Civic, 401(k), and rare collection of Kirby Puckett baseball cards. Has technology gone too far? It might be too early to tell. Unless you’re Aaron. Then probably yes.

Sure, some are saying that AI’s ability to take your checking account, index funds, and Fabergé eggs is a small price to pay if it means ChatGPT is capable of writing the rest of us a grocery list in as little as seven highly curated prompts. Just because technology destroyed the life of one person doesn’t mean it will ruin it for the rest of us, right? Right?!

And to think, Aaron just got that promotion, witnessed the birth of his third child, and bought a jet ski. Too bad he won’t get to enjoy any of it anymore. That’s what artificial intelligence is for now. No, now all Aaron can do is wonder how much greed is too much for technology. You can run, but you can’t hide from Generative AI.

You thought it was bad when Google crammed Gemini down our throats? You thought Microsoft jamming Copilot into all of its software was a bit much? Well, tell that to Aaron, who currently lives on the street holding a photo of his wife as a reminder of what humanity once was before people started casually throwing around the phrase “machine learning.” At this point, we are at the mercy of NVIDIA. 

But what’s next for technology? Well, AI could be coming for the last 36 bucks Aaron currently has in his wallet. Then, after it still isn’t satisfied, it’ll come for the clothes on Aaron’s back as well as his Instagram followers, Social Security number, and all of his memories. The only thing he’ll be left with is his student loan debt. Not even AI wants anything to do with that shit.

Rattail Artfully Tucked Into Collar for Interview

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

PORTLAND, Ore. — Prospective job candidate Colin Hartnell artfully tucked his lustrous rattail beneath his shirt collar before his first interview at Fred Meyers, a major Pacific Northwest grocery chain’s corporate offices, effectively concealing what he considers to be a “key part of his look” in hopes of securing the position, confirmed sources.

“A job’s a serious thing that requires a serious hairstyle. You want to look presentable whenever you’re going out for one,” said Hartnell. “But a core element of presentation is the hiding of unsightly elements of your person that, say, the more ‘buttoned up’ corporate types might frown upon. That’s why my r-tail goes inside the collar whenever I get an interview. It’s been with me for the past nine years, despite it being kryptonite for steady employment.”

Hiring manager Jackie Lewis noted that the company doesn’t explicitly ban rattails, but they are frowned upon.

“I could see that rattail the moment he walked in,” said Lewis. “I think he thought he was being subtle, sneaking it into his collar like that, but that thing’s thick. It looked like he was smuggling a Pringles tube on the back of his neck. The button on his collar looked like it was about to shoot off like a champagne cork. The interview went alright, but I’m not confident he’ll move ahead.”

The rattail’s long been a symbol of punk and alt communities, a sort of scummy sibling to the more dressy ponytail. 

“A rattail’s tricky to pull off,” said Portland-based stylist Percy DeAngelo. “It suggests the person who has it is behind on paying child support and ready to fight you about it. If you don’t mind those connotations, then great, grow that little vermin lock to your heart’s content. But if you’re, say, looking to receive a paycheck for services rendered, it’s best to either get rid of it entirely or hide the thing.”

At press time, Hartnell was seen fanning the rattail around his neck to reduce the collar strain, giving him an arguably worse look that’s unlikely to help him through a second interview.