Study Shows Birthrate Decline Linked to Prevalence of Other People’s Children at Breweries

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study from the University of Richmond revealed a startling link between the declining U.S. birth rate and the increase in other people’s children at breweries.

“There’s little doubt that Americans are increasingly delaying or forgoing parenthood,” explained lead researcher and craft beer enthusiast Susan Morgan. “But the question is always, ‘why?’ We developed a standardized questionnaire that could be administered at local establishments. And let’s just say Richmond proved to be very fertile ground for our research. We found that the majority of both undecided adults and those planning to start families were personally against procreation after spending the equivalent of just 20 minutes at a local brewery, cidery, or distillery. Something about the sound of crying babies when you’re trying to get day drunk while sitting around a barrel playing Uno with friends turns people off to parenthood.”

There was a notable gender split, where 86% of women surveyed decided against parenthood solely due to brewery experiences, while only half of men did.

“Fathers are probably more likely to view taking a child to a brewery as a bonding experience, albeit an indirect one,” speculated study co-author Gwen Ware. “Women often consider the practical aspects of child-rearing, like gestation, ensuring a child survives into adulthood, or the ability to take your toddler in public without it screaming directly into the ears of strangers, whereas previous research suggests men are more likely to compartmentalize. In other words, integrating a child into things they already like to do probably sounds ‘really cool’ to a dad, as long as they don’t really have to do any of the heavy lifting.”

Brewery employee James Parker seemed to confirm the findings.

“Honestly, the kids sometimes suck, but the adults who are supposed to watch them are worse,” said Parker while mopping a spill made by a patron of unspecified age. “Either way, after one week of working here, I got a vasectomy and deleted my Hinge account. There’s just no way I want to accidentally father one of these things. On top of that, don’t get me started on the beloved ‘small business owner’ who pays us shit and actively union busts.”

At press time, Dr. Morgan conducted a follow-up study revealing a link between dogs at breweries and people suddenly having an urge to adopt a Golden Retriever.

Opinion: I Should Get HomeGoods Rewards Points for the Stuff I Shoplift From There as Well

Posted on by James Knapp

Corporate credit rewards policy in this country has gone straight to hell. And HomeGoods is the most corporate credit hell of them all. Frankly I don’t even know why I got this rewards card in the first place if those greedy capitalists won’t honor all the points I earned on stuff I managed to sneak past the security sensors.

I’m not gonna lie. A not insignificant amount of my income is dependent on the rewards points I get from various, chain, economy bullshit stores, like the Gap or Fuddruckers. But HomeGoods, man, those guys will just not give me my due no matter how much shit I steal from them.

It’s not even like it’s a matter of if I’m self-reporting my thieving accurately. All those cashiers see this very big coat I’m wearing and know exactly how many Belgian waffle makers are missing from the inventory. Give me my points you cheap bastards!

I even had a system all worked out. For every dollar worth of stuff that I steal that means one trillionth of a dollar I get back in store credit for food processors that break easily. Then I trade those trillionths back to the store in a loophole that I haven’t found yet in the store’s rewards policy — that’s the part I’m still working on.

Though I admit it hasn’t quite worked out the way I planned so far, once it finally does I’ll actually be able to pay back my bookie enough to keep what’s left of one of my knees.

Honestly, I stole from HomeGoods every single day last year and still somehow ended up eighty grand in the hole. But that’s just an example of why this store’s extremely corporate-sided policy needs to change.

So for now, I guess I’ll just keep making free with bargain-priced condiments and discontinued, carcinogenic Bluetooth speakers the old-fashioned way until those capitalist jerks acknowledge my right to free stuff earned with rewards points instead.

Thrash Metal Fan Listens to Doom Metal Records at 78 RPM

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.

“I can only assume this is how doom metal is supposed to be played,” said Holloway. “Sure, the vocalists sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks at this speed, but what do you do when you’ve burned through every thrash metal recording ever made—multiple times? You make thrash where you least expect it! When I initially put two and two together I rushed to Dino’s and bought every classic doom record they had. I got home, threw on ‘Epicus Doomicus Metallicus’ at the highest RPM possible, and it was like I’d uncovered a lost Artillery record…sort of. When I run out of doom metal records, I’ll be moving onto the entire shoegaze catalog.”

Brendan O’Neill, a local doom metal enthusiast and Holloway’s former roommate-turned-sworn enemy, is horrified by the experiment.

“Zach’s need for speed will be to his detriment,” O’Neill sneered. “It’s honestly offensive that he’s headbanging to ‘Born Too Late’ like it’s ‘Bonded by Blood.’ Those Christian freaks would call it sacrilegious, but I call it fucking pathetic. It doesn’t even sound like thrash! He’s just a close-minded prick. He cannot play musical God like this. I fucking hate that dude. I hope one of these doom records flies off his turntable and decapitates him. I know that sounds harsh, but thrash fans should really be guillotined for their crimes against humanity.”

Music journalist Christine Salazar isn’t surprised by Holloway’s experiment.

“People have been messing with music speed and structure for ages,” said Salazar. “The Velvet Underground and Frank Zappa were doing it in the ‘70s, DJ Screw in the ‘90s, and then you have nightcore and major labels releasing sped-up remixes. Some people prefer fast music and others like it slow as shit. And if you don’t like a particular genre, just alter it until you do. Bands love it when you change their sound to suit your personal preferences.”

At press time, Holloway took his obsession further, experimenting with playing grindcore records on a turntable with a 16 RPM setting.

Trump Instructs New Secretary of Education to Shut Down “Abbott Elementary”

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump directed his soon-to-be Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, to immediately shut down the predominantly black school from the TV show “Abbott Elementary,” according to nearby sources not entirely surprised.

“There’s no place for DEI in America’s schools,” blurted out Trump as he interrupted a high-level meeting about the Gaza war. “Our education system has been in decline for decades, with the specific exception of 2016-2020 when our kids had the biggest brains of all time, which is why it’s vital for us to cancel funding to any schools that are filled with unqualified hires like at Abbott. What the Democrats have allowed to happen is a disgrace, so it’s time to bring us back to our golden age, like when we used to have real Americans in classrooms like those wonderful kids and teachers from ‘90210’ and those beauties from ‘Dawson’s Creek.’”

Cast member Quinta Brunson understandably alarmed by the President’s odd declaration.

“Can someone just tell me when this guy’s dead already?” said Brunson as she walked out of her trailer. “Ever since he won reelection, we’ve been receiving dozens of letters from him about shutting down our ‘school.’ We thought it must have been a prank or something since we assumed the President would be busy with more important things, but apparently not. We all had a good laugh, before the producers just piled up the letters under one of the window sills where the pigeons like to hang out. Now they’re just as full of shit as he is.”

Presidential historian Gilbert Schafer explained how the current administration is waging war on anything, real or fictional, they perceive as DEI.

“We all know it doesn’t make sense that Trump is trying to shut down a school from a fictional TV program because he doesn’t like how many people of color are represented on it, but what can I tell you, this is the shit show we voted for,” said Schafer. “There’s also reports that his crusade will go beyond Abbott, with rumors he’s also trying to replace all repeats of ‘Blackish’ with airings of ‘Yellowstone,’ as well as getting Will Smith’s character from ‘Fresh Prince’ banned from attending Bel-Air Academy altogether and replacing him with Larry the Cable Guy.”

At press time, Trump instructed ICE to arrest A.C. Slater as he walked into Bayside High.

How Am I Supposed To Raise My Pet Tarantula in Times Like These?

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

If you read the news like me, it’s easy to stress about the future. The rich get richer and the poor are getting poorer. Fascist, chauvinistic government fools will speak about destruction. One wonders how they can have joy, let alone spread that joy to our little ones. By little ones of course, I mean pet tarantulas.

Last year I bought a Mexican Fireleg whom I named Shelob. She is my everything. We have a bond stronger than the power of Goku. But I’m not stupid. I know I don’t have the luxury to shield her from the harsh truths of reality. It is my job as her owner to look into her many innocent eyes and help her understand. I want to hug her and tell her everything is alright as I stroke her urticating hairs that make my eyes feel funny.

As she is very empathetic, I often find Shelob spending hours a day just sitting there motionless in her terrarium just staring off into space. She is clearly paralyzed with fear. Sometimes she is so nervous she burrows into the dirt. Like many of you, it makes me a concerned parent. This is not right. She should be happily crawling over my face or my roommates when they sleep.

But this is not just about me, this goes out to everyone with a pet arachnid who wants them to live a life free of endless wars and racism. Many famous tarantula owners such as Billie Eiliish surely feel the same way.

Remind your pet tarantula that the world is not all cruelty and despair. There’s plenty to love like kittens, apple pie, or the delightful comedy of Conner O’Malley. Play some of their favorite prog metal like Blind Guardian or Elvenking. Put on the David Arquette classic movie Eight Legged Freaks. Give them social time with your pet lizards. Despite everything the world tries to take from you, these things they can’t.

So don’t stress and decide it’s wrong to raise a tarantula in these times. Personally, I’m going to breed Shelob and look forward to caring for her four hundred babies because the world may seem dark, but that’s when you provide a fluorescent bulb for their twelve-hour light/dark cycle.

“Wheelchair Ramps Are Woke!” Screams Man Who Was Once a Child Capable of Love and Empathy

Posted on by Sean Fallon

TAMPA, Fla. — Local curmudgeon John McCallister loudly revealed that he believed wheelchair ramps are woke, despite once being capable of love and empathy as a child, confirmed sources gradually turning their chairs away from him.

“There’s no way in Hell I can sit back and watch as everyone has equitable access to a building,” said McCallister. “If God wanted us to walk on a slant, he wouldn’t have paved our roads. The founding fathers liked stairs and perfectly horizontal floors and nothing else. It’s all just entitled Millennials who want to change all stairs into ramps like they want to change all girls into boys and all boys into more ramps. Mostly I blame DEI for this ramp epidemic.”

Sally Dean, McCallister’s ex-wife, says that when they met, he was full of wonder and joy but gradually succumbed to awfulness.

“We were married for 15 years,” said Dean, who lives in California and doesn’t take McCallister’s calls. “Once John decided that not dying of COVID was woke, we split up and he’s only gotten worse, saying that sandwiches, hurricanes, the Kansas City Chiefs, prepositions, and email auto-replies are all woke. He used to actually smile. But then he said that was lib crap. It’s like he sees sociopathy as a strength.”

Abel Foley, a child psychologist, sees this kind of behavior all the time in men who used to be children capable of compassion but are now terrified that everything is changing and will somehow harm them.

“John is one of many,” said Foley, who has recently been treating more man-children than actual children. “A kid sees the world as something pure and good with some scary bits on the fringes, like the Boogeyman or whatever is hiding underneath the bed. Once they grow up and start listening to Rogan and watching Fox News, those scary bits take over and the next minute they’re worried that wiping their asses properly makes them gay. Eventually, we’ll hit the woke singularity and these men will implode into miniature black holes, which is for the best of society.”

At press time, McCallister declared that subtitles on movies and TV shows are woke, even though he desperately needs them himself.

Opinion: School Never Taught Me How to Manage My Finances, But Learning How to Square Dance Has Made My Entire Life So Much Richer

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

As I write this from a jail cell for accidental tax evasion, I know one thing is certain: the world of finances remains a great mystery, but learning how to square dance has made me a much better person.

Did you know I met my first girlfriend square dancing? I got a promotion when my boss saw me square dance. I even saved a man’s life by square dancing! Let me set the scene: it’s a beautiful black tie event. I start square dancing and accidentally bump into the mayor of Minneapolis while do-si-doing. I gasp as a weenie hor d’oeuvre cannonballs out of his airway. Turns out, he was choking and my square dancing was the perfect, direct hit Heimlich maneuver. It has truly been a light in a dark place, especially since I was living in my Mercury Sable at the time after declaring bankruptcy. All I can say is, thank god for the American school system.

I just wish I had been a bit smarter about my finances. I wish someone taught me how to balance a checkbook or what a high yield savings account was. It would have been amazing to learn what interest was… My friends were kind enough to help me pay off a large chunk of my $250,000 of debt, but unfortunately, all I could give them were IOUs. They don’t talk to me anymore, I get it. The only person calling me nowadays is Dan Fielder from collections. He never wants to just grab a beer—it’s always “unpaid balance this,” and “foreclosure process that.”

But sometimes, the thrill of square dancing makes up for all of my financial struggles. It’s so emotionally rewarding. I’m thinking about turning square dancing into a career, so I can finally make money from what I love doing most. There has to be an audience for niche group dances taught in in middle school. I can even throw in other ‘90s PE classics, like hiding under a colorful parachute together, or riding scooters down a bumpy blacktop slope. I’m sure there’s dozens of dollars to be made here.

Thankfully the education system gave me plenty of other skills to become a successful adult. It taught me the three P’s: the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pythagorean theorem, and Punnett squares. Can you say, “cha-ching”?

Photo by Unuaiga.

Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human History

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.

“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup plan of a chronological narration of the life of Alexander the Great, but sure enough, the closer to ‘Somewhere in Time’ already took care of that. So I then scrambled through some history books and wrote lyrics about the Falklands War, but it turns out we did that on ‘Virtual XI.’ Honestly, that one shouldn’t even count because I wasn’t even on that album. I ended up picking this boring credit crisis because there was literally nothing left. It’s going to be tough trying to give this subject matter that adventurous Maiden sound.”

Fan Pua Kalani expressed her concerns about her favorite band.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Iron Maiden,” Kalani said. “I just think they’ve been around for so long that it’s starting to affect their ability to write new music. I mean, it’s tough seeing the band that wrote ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Flash of the Blade’ resorting to writing songs about 18th century finance just to continue being original. I have a passion for the most exciting parts of history that began with Iron Maiden, so it’s a drag seeing them write songs about some old British prick shorting East India Company stock.”

Music expert Claude Runer was not surprised at the issue Iron Maiden was facing.

“Metal bands that have been around for decades find themselves starved for new ideas all the time,” Runer offered. “How many different ways can Deicide express their hatred for God via song lyrics, or Cannibal Corpse describe someone being killed in a horrible fashion? My advice to Mr. Dickinson is to just call it quits on the new stuff altogether. Nobody’s going to Iron Maiden concerts excited to hear the new material, so he should just consider himself lucky to have made a career out of music, even if it means satiating his fans by playing ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ for the millionth time.”

At press time, Dickinson was considering writing science fiction lyrics inspired by the work of Aldous Huxley before realizing he’d already done that, too.

Dive Bar Employee Fired for Having Food Handler’s License

Posted on by Dom Turek

PITTSBURGH, Pa. — An employee at a local dive bar and eatery, Rock Room, shocked co-workers and customers alike after revealing he holds a food handler’s license, putting everyone at risk of looking like dorks by association, sources close to the unfolding story reported.

“If I had known, I never would have hired him,” said the manager of Rock Room, David Vasquez. “Guests expect some level of disservice when they come here, and he’s mocking that precedent. It was obvious he wasn’t qualified for this job when I noticed he used tongs to garnish drinks instead of his hands. Everyone knows those tongs are there for show in case the health department stops by.”

The purported food-and-drink expert, Mark Whatley, paid thirty dollars to take an hour-long training course and even took a forty-question test in hopes of getting a leg up on the competition when applying to restaurant positions.

“I tried to explain to my manager that I’m usually much more irresponsible than this,” said Whatley, “But he’d already made up his mind. I wish he were around to see when I re-used silverware I dropped on the ground last week, or even yesterday when my bar rag got a little dry and I used some spit to clean one of the high tops. If only I had one more chance, I could prove I serve a risk to potential customers.”

This state-issued document is considered essential for anyone handling food and is often relied on by law for cooks, servers, and bartenders, but the topic is still up for debate.

“He got his food handler’s license to work at a dive bar?” asked veteran health inspector Brian Dickerson, unable to stifle his laughter. “That’s so lame. A food handler’s license is required in the same way a concealed carry permit is ‘required’ in Texas. A dive bar is a place where people go to feel unsafe and vaguely sick afterward, and he’s taking away from that dining experience by making sure meat is being stored at the right temperature.”

At press time, Rock Room management was seen firing a bartender after finding out she once attended a mixology course.