CEO Requiring All 8s and Above to Return to Office

Posted on by RJ Dralle

SAN FRANCISCO — Aaron Benet, CEO of tech start-up CodeVibe, sent a company-wide email explaining that he will be implementing a return to office policy immediately for the men and women he considers 8s and above, confirmed sources.

“This whole work from home thing wasn’t working for me anymore,” said Benet. “I hired a bunch of my employees based on looks, and it’s extremely difficult for me to see their bangin’ bods on Zoom. How are they being productive when they aren’t doing the one thing I hired them to do? Be hot. I know some will be upset by my decision, especially the uggos and boner-shrinkers, but this is what was best for the company, me, and my raging libido.”

According to insiders at CodeVibe, many employees are furious over the recent decision by their CEO.

“I am not a 6,” firmly stated Topher Ream, software engineer of CodeVibe. “It was disheartening to hear how little my boss thinks of me and my ability to get some. And no improvement plans were put in place for those of us who were deemed ‘too ugly’ to return to the office. That’s why I had to put my two weeks in. I can’t work for a man who doesn’t value me and the work that I have put into my face. But I’m sure some other CEO out there will.”

Sex expert Lidia Caan had some advice about what employees can do to avoid falling to a 7 or below with their CEOs.

“It is all about how you present yourself in the workplace,” said Caan. “Yes, you want to come off as professional but in a slutty way. Tightly fitted, short skirts. Dress shirts unbuttoned that reveal a little too much skin. No underwear. These are the things that CEOs will see and think, ‘Wow! I need this person and will be willing to risk my marriage for them.’ If you can do that, you’ll work your way up the corporate ladder until you’re the CEO judging people based on sex appeal.”

At press time, Benet was fired due to 33 separate HR violations filed against him on the first day of his return to office policy.

We Interviewed Weird Al But It Turned Out To Be Nardwuar So We Just Interviewed Him About Weird Al

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Who doesn’t love “Weird Al” Yankovic? We sure as hell do!  His parodies have poked fun at literal decades of classics, and in doing so, many have become certified hits themselves. We were feeling extra nostalgic for Running With Scissors, so we called up his agent to get Weird Al in for an interview. Or at least we thought we did. Anyways, here’s the interview.

Hard Times (HT): Hello, Weird Al! So stoked you could make it. It’s truly an honor to have you.

Weird Al: Happy to be here.

HT: Alright, let’s get right into it. We know you always ask permission from artists before parodying their work, and some say no. Who was your most painful rejection?

Weird Al: Ah, good question. There have been a few artists that told Mr. Yankovic they didn’t want to be parodied. Prince stung the most though. “Purple Rain” had so much Weird Al parody potential!

HT: A missed opportunity indeed. We need a “Polka Rain!” Speaking of polka, out of all the instruments out there, why did you decide to play the accordion?

Nardwuar: Ah, a common misconception! Mr. Yankovic didn’t choose the accordion. It was his parents! In the album notes of Permanent Record: Al in the Box, he revealed a door-to-door salesma—

HT: Sorry to interrupt, but is there a reason you keep referring to yourself in third person?

Weird Al: Ah, I see the source of the befuddlement. Alas, I am not Mr. Yankovic. I am Nardwuar the Human Serviette.

HT: Wait, so you’re not Weird Al? We could have sworn with that long curly hair and quirky outfit that you were him, not to mention your Weird Al knowledge.

Nardwuar: Nope! I’m just a Canadian serviette who does his research! Soo-rry for the mixup!

HT: Well, this is awkward. I guess since you’re here and know a lot about Weird Al, we could just…ask you about him?

Nardwuar: Certainly!

HT: What was you–sorry, Weird Al’s biggest success?

Nardwuar: Well, I guess that depends how you define success now doesn’t it? “White and Nerdy” cracked the top 10 in the Billboard Hot 100, so that’s a logical answer. But did you know “Like a Surgeon” was actually Madonna’s own idea? That’s a pretty big milestone of success too. Oh, and we can’t forget abou–

HT: Actually, I’m going to stop you there, Nardwuar. No offense, but this is just too weird.

Nardwuar: No offense taken, The Hard Times! Keep on rockin’ in the free world. Doot doola doot doo…!

HT: …doot doo.

Rebellious Bartender Only Plays “Closing Time” at Opening

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Rebellious bartender Shae Ruggeri insisted on playing Semisonic’s signature song “Closing Time” exclusively at the start of her opening shifts, confirmed sources who were equally curious about her stomach tattoo of “Regular Show” character Muscle Man.

“When I first started at The Lagoon last fall, I was exclusively working nights, and at last call, Dave would always put on ‘Closing Time,’” Ruggeri said. “After a week of hearing that goddamn guitar and piano while wiping down the bar, I made a vow to myself: as soon as I started getting openings, I would only play it right when my shifts began. Sure, it confuses all the patrons, but if I have to hear ‘I know who I want to take me home’ at any point during my shift, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible.”

Ruggeri’s tendency to play this song early in the day has sparked mixed reactions among her coworkers and patrons.

“I’ll never forget coming in at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday, and hearing ‘Closing Time’ and being so confused that I momentarily forgot that my son had just gone no contact with me for crashing his 2012 Corolla while going the wrong way down a one-way street,” said Lagoon regular Jack Fabiszak. “It was nearly enough to make me go sober once and for all until the guy sitting next to me said this was just ‘her thing.’ Hearing Semisonic any time before two in the morning just hits different.”

Noted ‘90s rock historian Simon Kibby says Ruggeri’s daring action is one that flagrantly defies a long-held superstition among service industry professionals.

“There’s a supposed ancient curse, dating back to Minneapolis, circa 1998, that warns against playing ‘Closing Time’ at any time but closing time,” Kibby said. “I’m not necessarily saying I believe this to be true. But if I’m in a bar and I hear ‘So, gather up your jackets; move it to the exits’ and the sun is still out, I’m saying as many incantations as I can to ward off any potential evil spirits that might arise, and then I’m leaving and never coming back. Well, not during the day, at least.”

At press time, Ruggeri’s manager revealed she had allowed her to continue playing “Closing Time” at opening as a compromise in order to “get her to stop playing Merzbow during happy hour.”

Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced Parents

Posted on by Shane Pauker

CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of his bitterly divorced parents, sympathetic sources report.

“They haven’t confirmed the lineup yet, but I just know they’re working to get Mom and Dad back together! ” declared Mason, shoving a Replacements tee shirt into his backpack for a weekend at his father’s apartment. “I have to be there to see it, and I finally got a ticket! I’ve been walking dogs, mowing lawns, and donating plasma to save up. If anyone can make Mom and Dad love each other again, it’s the same people who made Jawbreaker tolerate each other again.”

The organizers of Riot Fest have remained unwilling to confirm or deny their ability to reconcile the Masons’ irreconcilable differences.

“The Riot Fest team has reunited bands; we’ve never fixed a broken marriage. Believe me, we’ve tried,” stated representative Kristen Anderson. “I read about Tom and Jen’s divorce in the paper — nasty stuff — but I’ve never actually met them. I don’t know why Liam thinks we can fix his dad boinking a waitress. Why would we do that? Are people going to buy shirts that say ‘I Saw Tom & Jen Get Un-Divorced at Riot Fest 2025’? Are people going to buy stickers that say ‘It’s Not Liam’s Fault – Tom & Jen’s Un-Uncoupling – Riot Fest’? Actually, those would go like hotcakes; I think I have something to add to this year’s lineup.”

Riot Fest is known for its history of soothing acrimonious breakups.

“When Riot Fest reached out to me to get back with Misfits in 2016, I tried kicking them to the curb,” Glenn Danzig explained between sets of dead-lifting vintage comic books. “Their message of unity through rioting got through to me, though. Riot Fest’s values should ring true for marriages, too. I’ve spent so long crafting my perfect body that I forgot love is stronger than any muscle, and also that the abyss of a lonely future is scarier than any ghost, ghoul, or even goblin. The corporate team at Riot Fest reminded me of that with their kind words and giant paycheck. For both Liam’s sake and his parents’, I hope they can find the love that once brought them together.”

At press time, Mason’s parents were seen rehearsing for an undisclosed event with their original divorce attorneys.

Report: Relationship Unlikely To Survive Parking Situation At New Apartment

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Nate Weiss is reportedly struggling to make his relationship work after girlfriend Julia Shepard moved into a new building with a pretty challenging parking situation, increasingly stressed sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe this is my life now. We can’t even make it to the end of a movie before I have to move my Nissan! She doesn’t have a car since we’d just drive everywhere together. But now she’s a whole 20 minutes away so it’s a long-distance relationship, and she makes me pick her up to do everything. I’m a glorified chauffeur,” said Weiss. “And when I’m not looking for parking, I’m constantly on the clock, running back out to move to the other side of the street. I love her, but not more than I hate parallel parking.”

Shepard didn’t see what the big deal was.

“Oh, but the new apartment is great. There’s the Superman building right there—if you can look past that giant glowing Snookers sign,” said Shepard. “Sure, the parking’s a little tricky. You can only park on one side for two hours before you have to move, so it’s no biggie. I mean, it was an extra 25 bucks a month for a spot, so I just really didn’t think it was worth it. Besides, they say if your relationship can withstand alternate-side parking rules, it’s meant to be.”

Zaire Gray is a relationship counselor who’s built a career helping couples navigate exactly this kind of thing.

“Relationships aren’t just about love. It has to be a consideration of what works for everyone. I don’t want to say it’s all logistics, but it is certainly, in part, logistics,” said Gray. “Back when I was living in New York, I was dating this great girl. We were both on the Upper East Side—we’d walk and meet in the middle for dinner, and stay at each other’s apartments. Life was good! Until she moved to Brooklyn. That’s when I decided the woman on 1st and 86th was my soulmate. She’s my wife now.”

At press time, Weiss was seen drafting a breakup text after realizing his favorite restaurant doesn’t deliver all the way to Shepard’s new apartment.

Help! I Fell in Love With a Drummer and Now I’m in a Record Store Explaining to the Cashier Why Carter Beauford Is the Best Musician in Dave Matthews Band

Posted on by Amy Currul

Love makes us do crazy things — run through airports, hold up boomboxes, and sometimes even willingly hang out on Long Island. This time, love has me attempting to explain to a random retail worker that Carter Beauford, legendary drummer and percussionist, is the best musician in Dave Matthews Band and possibly one of the best in the world. I’ve stooped pretty low for my romantic partners before, but this has gotta be a new record.

Two years ago, if you had told me I would be spending a perfectly good Saturday afternoon arguing with a 22 year old unshowered grunge record store kid that drumming is one of the most technically difficult instruments to master, I would have asked you to take me out right then and there. And I’m also asking you now. Please save me from myself. Nick is a great guy, but this has gone too far.

You see, I have a new beau, a handsome drummer with dark eyes and curly hair with whom I am completely smitten. But this time I think it goes beyond smitten, because I find myself increasingly holding up vinyl records in order to read the very tiny fine print on the back of the jacket in order to determine who played drums on this EP from 1994. I read contracts with small print like this for my job, I think. What is my job? Is it being a paralegal? I don’t remember anything except being in this record store, right here and right now.

And another reason why Carter is a better musician than Boyd Tinsley — Wait, how did I get here? How long have I been talking like this? Who am I? I feel like Mallory in “Born Killers. Actually.” Did you know Juliette Lewis is a musician herself? She had a band, Juliette and The Licks, and get this, the drummer was Patty Schemel from Hole. Cool right? Hole was coming up at the same time as DMB, in different scenes obviously.

Have you ever seen Carter Beauford play live? I’ve been watching their video album Live at Folsom Field, Boulder, Colorado and his hand work on that specifically… where’s Nick? He explains it better than I do.

Nick’s not even here? What do you mean he’s not here? You mean I came to this store all by myself? I wasn’t even dragged here by my boyfriend during an otherwise lovely day out and obliged out of dutiful girlfriend reasons?

That’s it. I love this guy, but I’ve got to stop living his life and go on living my own. I’m going to go back to hanging out with my friends, doing what I love, and listening to the kind of music I want to. Just as soon as I finish explaining that Mickey Curry is one of the most underrated touring drummers of all time.

Danzig Admits He’ll Settle for Your Femur in A Pinch

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

LODI, N.J. — Misfits lead singer Glenn Danzig is reportedly amending the band’s ongoing request for skulls to include leg bones, if absolutely necessary, confirmed sources.

“I’ve been screaming ‘I want your skull, I need your skull’ at every Misfits show since the early ‘80s, and to this day, only one fan has ever sent me their braincase,” said Danzig. “And even then, the pig didn’t even have the courtesy to remove the skin and hair before sending it through the mail. That’s why I’ve recently started asking for femurs instead. People are a lot more comfortable giving up a limb than they are donating their whole noggin. As a side note, I get a lot of questions asking whether tibias and fibulas will do. Unfortunately, the answer is no. I want your femurs specifically.”

According to the singer, he already has Misfits fans limping up to the stage at shows and proudly tossing their thigh bones at the band.

“‘Skulls’ is my favorite song about the human head,” confessed Misfits super fan Bud Jacobs. “For years, I’ve thought about giving the band my cranium, but, you know, the whole needing it to live thing keeps getting in the way. It’s just not practical. When I read in the Misfits subreddit that Danzig was taking femurs now, I couldn’t amputate both my legs fast enough! Hell, I’d give them my spine, if needed. That’s what fans are for.”

Misfits bassist Jerry Only agrees with Danzig’s decision to start accepting femurs from fans in lieu of skulls.

“When Glenn told me he wanted to start asking fans for leg bones instead of skulls I was like, ‘Yes, finally!’” said Only. “Skulls look cool and all, but what can you really do with them? I guess you can make them into a bowl or something, but that’s about it. Now a femur on the other hand, that’s like the longest bone in the body. You could use that as a club, a walking stick, maybe even a pool cue if you’re desperate. It’s just a much more versatile bone when you get down to it.”

At press time, the femur donation program was so successful that Danzig let fans know that the band will now be accepting all 206 bones found in the human body.

Teens Vaping Behind Vatican Accidentally Elect New Pope

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping by a dumpster behind the Sistine Chapel, Vatican officials confirmed.

“I snagged this watermelon-flavored vape juice from a street vendor, and I don’t know man, something about vaping in Italy just tastes better. Like how vaping is meant to be. Me and Cobra were just minding our own business, blowing some dope clouds, when all of a sudden bells started ringing and a we could hear a crowd start cheering,” said Brewster. “I was like ‘What the fuck is going on man?’ and then I felt bad for swearing by Jesus’ house or whatever. Turns out we kind of elected the new Supreme Pontiff or whatever. A bunch of weird looking dudes in dumb hats looked pretty pissed.”

One onlooker, Meghan Hearst, a lifelong Catholic, was brought to tears when she saw the giant vape cloud.

“It’s surprising that they elected a Pope so quickly, and from behind the Basilica instead of the normal locale. I was also taken aback by how good the smoke smelled. It sort of reminded me of how the milk tastes after you eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but that was probably one of the reforms Pope Francis put in place. He was the Pope of the people and would want the best-smelling smoke possible,” said Hearst. “I’m just happy I was able to be a part of such a beautiful tradition, and nobody can take that away from me.”

Cardinal Berzolli, one of the members of the Papal election committee, fears the vape smoke might have triggered a binding choice.

“It’s an unfortunately antiquated rule in Papal Doctrine that allows two teens who are getting high behind the Vatican to elect the next Pope, but who am I to question the word of God?” said Cardinal Berzolli. “The rules clearly state that whoever is being discussed when the white smoke billows over the basilica will be the next Pope. We just so happened to be taking a lunch break and were debating who makes the best calzone in Vatican City. So I officially decree that Sal Villatozo of Salvadores Casa del Formaggio is the new Vicar of Jesus Christ.”

At press time, the new Pope is expected to address throngs of faithful in St. Peter’s Square as soon as the lunch rush is over.

Trump Administration Demands Staff Receive Botox in Lieu of Vaccines

Posted on by Tim Gill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a mandate that all federal employees must cease obtaining vaccinations and instead schedule weekly Botox injections, confirmed sources.

“We can no longer trust the science on vaccinations, whether it’s for the measles, mumps, or kielbasa,” said Trump. “The injections, however, must go on. We can’t stop the injections. That said, I’m requiring all federal employees schedule weekly Botox injections with our staff of plastic surgeons. We have the very best of them, too. The best in the world. No one is too young to receive Botox. You can have toddlers receiving it. You can have babies receiving it. It doesn’t matter the age. Botox straightens the face out and freezes it. This is what we want to see. Faces frozen in place and smiling. We don’t want any moping. Moping? You’re fired.”

White House staff member Jeremy J. Kelly hoped to receive an HPV vaccine, but will now begin Botox injections instead.

“I was recently turned down for an HPV vaccine,” Kelly revealed. “Now that Trump issued this mandate, I’ve had four rounds of Botox and I’m scheduled for 25 more by the end of 2025. I can’t move my jaw very well and everyone keeps asking me why my forehead doesn’t move when I smile. My immediate boss said Trump wants to see zero facial wrinkles on everyone, so I guess I’m just following orders. The worst part is that I’m only 25 but the Botox is making me look 45.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the federal government was considering mandating Botox injections for all federal employees’ family pets as well.

“Botox has a tendency to tighten up animal meat, rendering it more succulent. Dogs, cats, gerbils, you name it. Botox tenderizes things in a way that would make you salivate,” said Kennedy Jr. “I hosted a dinner party for some diplomats from Russia a few weeks ago, and they had no idea I served them Botox-injected hamster meat and penguin eggs. The treatment just makes everything taste juicier. They loved it. They couldn’t get enough. Once we start negotiating with Greenland, I’m hoping to cook some up for our Greenlandic counterparts too.”

At press time, President Trump issued an order mandating all staff receive mandatory lip filler treatment.

Wait What? I Thought This Was an Eric Andre Prank but I Think I Actually Helped Him Kill Someone

Posted on by Kyle Donley

It was unmistakably Eric Andre ordering a Chablis on the rocks next to me at the bar. I’m a pretty big comedy fan (name a Netflix stand-up special I haven’t seen, I’m waiting…) so I leaned in and said, “Legalize ranch!” For a moment I didn’t know if he was going to hit me or kiss me, but then he laughed. At my joke! Or I guess it was his joke technically, but I said it! And before I knew it, we were doing shots of ranch in the VIP section of Ruth’s Chris, just two guys goofing off and getting to know each other.

Not everyone “gets” Eric’s brand of humor but I’ve seen a bunch of his stuff so when he asked if I could ‘“make his kid’s teacher disappear” I instantly knew he was doing a bit. Believe it or not, I’ve actually taken some improv classes before, so I was just trying to understand the game better and help elevate the scene any way I could. I didn’t fully understand all of it, but he clearly wanted this idiot teacher dead and had a hilariously convoluted plan involving the MS13 and an organ-harvesting pyramid scheme. Who was I to say no? There’s actually a famous improv saying — “Yes and” — which basically means you have to say yes to everything otherwise you’re not funny and you ruin the scene.

So there I was dressed like a police officer in a gas station bathroom in Chino with all these plastic bags full of bloody rags and I’m thinking, don’t laugh. We have to get this shot. Eric was probably off somewhere watching the dailies, just waiting for me to break. And I almost did when the SWAT team kicked in the door. So friggin EPIC! How are they even filming this? I haven’t seen any cameras except for that one flip-phone camera Eric was using to film me in the shower.

Anyways I’m at my “sentencing” right now. I just can’t believe how elaborate this prank is. Talk about a long con, who would even want to watch this? Especially all the legal crap and the sad stuff with my parents. And when is Eric even coming back? He could clear up all this business about the prop knife he gave me. And the prop corpse I “mutilated.” This judge looks so familiar. I feel like they were on an episode of Broad City maybe? Ah this is going to bug me.

The death penalty!? Wow that’s a little over the top but ok. Kind of thought this would be the point where they would say “Sike” or something. I’ll tell you what, these handcuffs do not feel like props. Neither did my cellmate’s prop penis from the other night. Still kind of unpacking that whole situation. Oh, I know where that judge is from! He was in that true crime doc about that guy who killed all those people… and got the death penalty. Oh Jesus. Ok, I think I fucked up bad.