Metalhead With No Hygiene Habits Inexplicably Owner of Most Beautiful Head of Hair You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report.

“I grew my hair long so I could headbang to Kreator and Demolition Hammer,” Clark said as he ran his hands through his nonsensically luscious locks of auburn curls. “It feels awesome to windmill it back and forth while listening to ‘Epidemic of Violence’ and pounding beers with my friends. I spend all of my money on booze and metal shirts, so I definitely don’t bother with buying shampoo. Having long hair is great, but sometimes it gets in the way, like last night when I puked my fucking guts out after drinking 11 cans of Miller High Life. I actually got some of it in my hair, but I wiped it out with a paper towel and I’m pretty sure I got most of it.”

You were absolutely bewildered at Clark’s hair.

“I just don’t get it,” you complained. “I spend a goddamn fortune on hair care products and salon visits. Not to mention the time I put into it every morning. Yet this dude has the nicest hair I could imagine without bothering to buy so much as a comb. It’s not fair. I doubt he would even notice if he started going bald, so why should he be in possession of something so beautiful if he won’t even appreciate it? Maybe I would get similar results if I stopped caring for my hair and became a total slob like him.”

Hair care expert Stefan Katsaros provided his expertise on the situation.

“There actually is a rationale behind this,” Katsaros provided. “We tend to cause damage to our hair by worrying over it and using excess amounts of product, when in reality it’s better to just become disgusting like the average metalhead. That way we’re letting our oils provide natural upkeep to the hair instead of harming it with excess chemicals. My advice to people looking to add volume and sheen to their hair is to stop showering, shotgun a Budweiser, and listen to some Municipal Waste. I would recommend tying it back if you have to vomit, but honestly, neglecting to do that doesn’t appear to have deleterious effects on any metalhead I’ve ever met.”

At press time, you also became jealous of Clark’s sewing prowess evident in the Morbid Saint patch on his vest.

Harvard Asking Around To See If Anyone Knows Any Good Lawyers

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who might be able to take on the Trump administration, sources confirmed.

“In a bit of a pickle here. Anyone out there got any good lawyer recs? Hopefully nothing too expensive, any leads are appreciated,” said the official Harvard account in a post on X. “Can’t talk too much about it here, but really looking for a lawyer that specializes in tax code, immigration, free speech, constitutional law, and has experience in front of the Supreme Court. DMs are open if you know anyone good. Kind of a rush job. Please help!!!!!”

Harvard Law Professor Jane Krueger hopes that some of her past students went on to become lawyers and might be willing to help out.

“I’ve been a professor here for nearly 20 years, so I’d expect at least a handful of the thousands of people I’ve taught eventually passed the bar exam. The only person that comes to mind right now is Greg Giraldo, but he died years ago,” said Krueger. “This would be easy if we needed a good doctor or a dentist. But lawyers are tricky; a lot of them just seem to disappear into the gears or corporate America and never really stick their heads out again. But hopefully we find something soon before Trump signs an executive order demanding Harvard be lit on fire.”

Legal scholar Edward P. Finnegan believes Harvard is just looking for free legal advice.

“This is the problem with being a lawyer sometimes. You have these major institutions with billion-dollar endowments hitting you up just to be like ‘Hey, the President of the United States is assaulting our right to operate freely, do you do free consultations?’ And it’s such a waste of time, because at this point, a lot of these major universities just end up using ChatGPT to get legal advice,” said Finnegan. “Also, Harvard loves to trade for services. They want you to represent them in a case that could set a legal precedent for decades, and they will let you take a semester of night classes at their School of Visual and Performing Arts for free. It’s not the best deal.”

In an effort to move public opinion to it’s favor, Harvard is also asking around to see if anyone can put them in touch with a good comedy writer.

Breaking: Old Guys From Bands Everyone Used to Love Form New Band Nobody Can Tolerate

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Members of legendary New York Hardcore bands Malicious Destruction, Malfeasance, and Genghis debuted music from their new “supergroup” called Sealegs, confirmed multiple people who listened to the first 15 seconds of a song and moved on.

“These new songs are some of the rawest and honest songs I’ve ever written. Back in the ‘90s I was just an angry kid with no direction, but now I’m a dad with a great career, and I feel like that’s really reflected in my lyrics,” said vocalist Tim Lincoln. “And the rest of the band have really honed their skills over the years. The riffs are tight, the rhythm section is absolutely locked in. We have this hive mind thing going on right now. Whenever we practice together we end up going on improvised jams that last up to 10 minutes at a time. I can’t wait to play live in front of fans to see them going off. Sure, a lot of us have some mobility issues and won’t be able to rip as hard on stage, but we have 30 years more experience with our instruments and we’ve only gotten better with age.”

24-year-old hardcore kid Dina Molari says she will not be adding Sealegs to her regular rotation.

“Look, I’ll pretend to love their music if my band ever gets booked on a show with them, because that’s the polite thing to do. But this has to stop. We need to make some space for new bands to get some attention; we can’t keep having these old dudes distracting everybody,” said Molari. “It’s the same reason I can’t find a job in the real world, these geezers won’t leave, and they expect everyone to celebrate them for being experienced. I want my punk bands to be young and pissed, and as soon as you turn 30 you have to get the fuck out.”

Scene historian Trey Idlebri expects even more bands like Sealegs to be popping up over the next few years.

“There was a time when hardcore shows just got too dangerous for anyone over 40. Back injuries were much more common and the recovery process took forever. Unfortunately, modern medicine and wellness practices have made it easier for people to stay involved in the scene way longer, to the point it’s pretty embarrassing,” said Idlebri. “Testosterone Replacement Therapy has been a real problem, making the older men who used to just stand in the back, more aggressive in the pit. So you might see a 48-year-old plumber spin kick a high school sophomore and we are all supposed to think that’s normal now.”

At press time, Sealegs announced their first week-long tour which will span from Eastern Connecticut, through Rhode Island, and ending in Southern Massachusetts.

Inspiring: When This Child Was Clinically Dead for 5 Minutes He Saw Hell, but It Was Like a Cool Rock & Roll Party Hell

Posted on by Dan Rice

In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when 10-year-old Tyler Hopkins was miraculously resuscitated after a fall at the playground left him clinically dead for nearly 5 minutes. He is expected to make a full recovery, and if that’s not enough to make you believe in a higher power, what Tyler saw just might. Tyler claims he remembers leaving his body and being embraced by our Lord Satan, and can confirm hell is just a cool party place where awesome people just get radical and bodacious 24/7. Can we get a HELL YES?!

What a refreshing affirmation! Not only is hell real, it lives up to our wildest, most cartoonish interpretations!

Tyler recalls first being greeted by the dark lord himself.

“A voice called to me, ‘Welcome to hell little dude, we kept the party warm for yah!’ I turned around, and it was Satan! He looked pretty much like Lobo the Bounty Hunter, only red and with horns. Satan said he was going to give me the grand tour, ‘but first, let’s shred!’ He pulled the bitchinist guitar I’ve ever seen out of nowhere and played the sickest solo ever! I said to him ‘I wish I could shred like that Mr. Devil!’ and he said ‘What are you talking about man? You can!’ All of a sudden, there was a sick axe in my hands and I realized I knew how to play it!”

That’s right — everyone who makes it to hell is given immediate mastery of electric guitar, and according to Tyler most of the time people just walk around shredding at each other and high-fiving. Praise Satan! Our hearts grew darker and darker as Tyler described the splendor that surrounded him.

“Hell has so much cool stuff! There’s skate parks and arcades everywhere, Satan showed me a movie theater that plays every horror movie ever made, and the whole place is pretty much just a non stop kegger! I got to try my first beer with a cool guy who called himself John Belushi! I also did cocaine with a guy named Dee Dee Ramone, he was kinda weird.”

Skeptical? Then how do you explain the fact that Tyler now knows the plot to “Evil Dead 2” and all the words to Dee Dee King’s “Funky Man” despite his parents shielding him from both those things? Even when pressed Tyler could not come up with one single downside to life in hell.

“I mean yeah there’s fire everywhere, but it doesn’t hurt, it just looks cool. I asked Mr. Satan ‘Wait, is Harvey Weinstein down here?’ and he said people like him and Hitler and Trump just stop existing, and everyone else who doesn’t totally suck deep down gets to party in hell forever.”

Tyler’s parents Barbera and Fred Hopkins are collaborating on an illustrated children’s book based on their son’s experience. It’s an exploitation they’re hopeful will earn them a place in hell right next to their boy. God damn them, and from the bottom of our hearts here at The Hard Times, God damn you all!

42-Year-Old Man Descending into Spiral of Increasingly Comforting Sleepytime Teas

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local 42-year-old man Marshall Reese is descending into a nightmarish, unending spiral of increasingly comforting sleepytime teas, unable to prevent himself from sinking into a morass of melatonin and herbal compounds, according to sources.

“Marshall used to indulge in a mug of sleepytime tea every now and then,” said his longtime girlfriend Kelli Murillo while she glumly stared at a garbage can piled high with empty tea cartons. “Just like anyone else, he enjoyed occasionally sitting in a nightshirt in an overstuffed armchair by a roaring fire, but now he’s hitting the teabag hard. I can’t remember the last time he wasn’t riding an echinacea high or jonesing for his next cup of sinus soother wellness. It’s terrible to look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but chill, peaceful vibes.”

Jonathan Chelnez, an employee at Chicago’s TeaPourium, has been observing Reese’s fall into a state of chamomile-dependent madness for months.

“That guy comes in every single day reeking of last night’s tilia flowers and fiending for whatever new blends we have on the shelf,” said Chelnez. “Biotin beauty, lavender langour, fucking variety packs. If that guy wasn’t always so tranquil and serene because of the gallons of sleepytime that he had surging through his system like a hurricane of restfulness, he would have been a nightmare. To be honest, that degenerate was actually really easy to deal with. May God have mercy on his soul.”

Corrina Espinoza Abelar, an addiction counselor, says that many factors can result in someone like Reese falling into a perpetual cycle of sleepytime tea, uninterrupted REM cycles, and torment.

“So many people like Mr. Reese think that they can dance with the sleepy dragon and come out unharmed,” said Abelar. “But, in truth, it is not the sleepytime tea that is addicting. We all hold within us the innate human desire to be an anthropomorphized bear wearing a snood and falling asleep in a cozy cottage while soothing music plays from an old-fashioned radio. It is part of an inescapable, ineffable desire that has been within humanity since our earliest cave paintings of sleepy bears and the psilocybin mushroom broths that we brewed to try to take on their skins. In many ways, Mr. Reese is not falling into a nightmare– instead, he is waking into mankind’s oldest dream.”

As of press time, Reese had reportedly woken up from a nap to urinate for the third time.

Shocked Trump Could Have Sworn South African President Died in Prison

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in prison in the 1980s, White House aides confirmed.

“Can you believe this? This is huge, I could’ve sworn he died and then wham here he is in the Oval Office. One of my golf buddies said he died in ’87 and nobody ever lies to me so I trusted him. I normally have all the facts, a lot of people talk about how many facts I know. I could have been on a ‘Jeopardy’ champion, but the producers said to me ‘Mr. Trump, you’re too smart for this show. We can’t find anything that would stump you, it wouldn’t be fair.’ Which is sad, it really is,” rambled Trump. “So this guy shows up at the White House, really a beautiful place, but I’ve made it so much nicer, and it turns out he’s been alive the whole time. If South Africa has resurrection technology, they better share it with us, because I’m sure we made it first and they stole it. To be on the safe side I am asking the Secret Service to immediately investigate whether or not I sat down with a ghost, because this is crazy.”

White House staff had hoped to avoid any confusion before the meeting.

“That white genocide presentation was the least of our problems that afternoon. I literally put ‘RAMAPHOSA = ALIVE’ in huge font on his morning briefing and Donald told me I didn’t know my history. I then explained to him that he wasn’t meeting Nelson Mandela, who also didn’t die in prison, and things went off the rails,” said an aid who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “The President immediately filled his diaper when he was being introduced, and it only got more tense from there. Half of it was having his mind blown over sitting with someone he thought was dead, and also another person, and the other half was surprised President Ramaphosa wasn’t white like Elon.”

As of press time, President Trump announced an executive order demanding Kellogg’s put sunglasses back on the Raisin Bran mascot.

Democrats Hope That Putting “Gate” at the End of Trump Team Crimes Results in Something, Anything

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders praised their own strategy of placing “gate” at the end of Trump-led Republican crimes in the effort for something, possibly anything, to happen, confirmed sources.

“I have to say, I’m pretty proud of ‘Signalgate’ as an insult,” shared Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s become an internal triumph for us. A rallying cry of sorts. AOC gave me a fist bump when that one was coined. Gotta wonder how Republicans will ever recover from such a presidential diss. Such a sick burn. If someone put ‘gate’ at the end of one of my snafus, I’d consider retiring early. Or even just plumb ending it all. Now, how do you spell ‘tariffs’ again? I’m trying to write ‘tariffgate’ on this little sign here for his next speech, but I can never remember if it’s double-R or double-F.”

Democratic think tank advisor Matt Glendale shared skepticism at the efficacy of placing “gate” at the end of controversies.

“It used to be that adding a ‘gate’ suffix meant they were over, period, donezo. That’s all changed, glory days are gone,” Glendale shared while sipping wine from a water bottle on a National Mall bench. “I say, let’s bring the word back. Let’s make it scary and shameful again. It’s become a mockery, another glib buzzword thrown around. I’ve got a little strategy up my sleeve: I’ve been pushing to call this entire era ‘Trumpgate.’ You like that? Now I think that would turn some heads. Barongate, Melaniagate — off the dome. Fresh ideas. Giving them away for free, baby. I’ll be here all day. Literally, since I lost my job.”

Conservative analyst Marie Fitz-Lerond has openly mocked the strategy.

“Nixon was super popular, so it’s actually a compliment if you reference Watergate. If anything, it’s so quaint, so fangless,” said Fitz-Lerond while stubbing a cigarette out on an unhoused veteran. “Nixon actually had huge approval ratings when he was bullied out of office. The ‘silent majority’ would’ve followed him to the ends of the Earth. I know I would, the handsome devil. Anyway, Democrats have been using this feckless tactic for decades in lieu of doing any sort of actual opposition. Look no further than ‘9/11gate,’ ‘mission accomplishedgate,’ and ‘freedom friesgate.’”

At press time, Democratic leaders in the Capitol continued their soft, uphill resistance against Trump, smirkingly warning of a “recessiongate” and snarkily tittering about the continued unwarranted process of “deportationgate.”

Inspiring! This Crust Punk Became a Doctor After Finding an Old Lab Coat in a Dumpster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

America at its best is the land of opportunity. It’s a place where (on paper at least) anyone from all walks of life can find success, happiness, and financial stability through hard work and perseverance. Of course we all know now that is complete fairy tale bullshit, but once in a while someone will come along who so thoroughly beat the crap out of the odds against them it’ll make you believe the American Dream is alive and well!

That is the case of local crust punk Jack “Jack Knife” Clemmons, who through grit and determination has become his scene’s doctor after scoring an old lab coat while dumpster diving behind an abandoned hospital.

“No one believed I’d ever amount to anything more than a purveyor of catalytic converters and stolen stereo equipment, but that was the old me. I knew I could be something more if I just applied myself, and the regional hospital shutting down was just the kick in the pants I needed to do something important. I was just planning on stripping the copper wires out of the walls, but the moment I fished that soiled lab coat out of the dumpster with all the other medical equipment, I knew I could totally use it to pick up chicks. So that’s Doctor Jack Knife to you all.”

For those of you questioning his qualifications, ponder this: is he any less qualified than anyone overseeing Health and Human Services? Exactly. And unlike those ghouls, Jack actually dresses like he belongs in the healthcare sector, stains and all. Plus he has like ten stethoscopes and a bunch of pens from pharmaceutical companies, so he looks totally legit.

“A few people have questioned my credentials, but I just show them all the tubes and syringes and shit I got in these coat pockets and they shut up pretty quickly. Plus this hospital threw out like, a hundred pads of prescription slips so I’m hooking up all my buddies with as much Valium as CVS has in stock. I just want to take care of my community.”

Talk about bootstrapping! And he did it in a fraction of the time than those super nerds who graduated Harvard at 17-years-old. It just goes to show all you need is a little ingenuity, a good eye, and the ability to stay ahead of when the town’s medical facilities schedule their dumpster pickups.

Ride to Airport From Uncle Confirms Howard Stern Still Exists

Posted on by Tim Graham

BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting, sources within her family’s group text confirm.

“It was nice of Uncle Craig to volunteer to drive me to Logan,” said Massey while eating a $19 airport Panera salad. “Unfortunately, he insisted on listening to Howard Stern the entire trip. I thought Stern retired like 20 years ago. My uncle understood that some of the subject matter they discussed made me a little uncomfortable, but he said he had to listen live every day and wasn’t willing to turn it off. Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Craig’s not a wholly inconsiderate person—he did crack the window whenever he lit up a butt.”

Uncle Craig Massey was resolute on listening to the show during the ride.

“I’ve listened to Stern every day of my adult life,” said the 55-year-old. “I wasn’t going to miss the live broadcast just because my niece was in the car with me. Sure, Kaitlyn probably didn’t enjoy hearing about Bababooey’s colonoscopy or High Pitch Eric’s taint rash, but she’s an adult, she can handle it. She’s just lucky Stern has toned it down in recent years. The old Stern was pretty liberal with the ‘R’ and ‘N’ words. He’d also do what overly sensitive people these days might call some ‘racist’ voices…That probably wouldn’t have gone over well.”

Stern’s mainstream pivot is what allowed him to survive when so many of his peers lost their gigs, according to ex-shock jock Nicky “The Boof” Monaghan.

“Times changed and anyone who didn’t adapt died off. I miss the halcyon days of the ‘90s when you had your choice of edgy jocks like Opie and Anthony, Bubba the Love Sponge, and Mancow,” said Monaghan. “Back then, any garage, workshop, or job-site you went to was blasting super graphic sex talk and boner sound effects every weekday morning. And yeah, I’ll say it, wokeness killed the shock jock. All of a sudden, regular working class guys were shamed for listening to stuff like fart sounds and porn stars moaning at high volume at work.”

At press time, Ms. Massey opted to spend $250 on an Uber for the return trip from the airport rather than spend any more time in the car with her uncle.

Report: Nation Deeply Divided on Correct Spelling of “Chode”

Posted on by Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — A new report revealed that among the many issues currently dividing Americans, none is more divisive than how the nation spells the word “chode,” sources doodling a girthy, bulbous phallus confirmed.

“Our data proves there’s never been a time in American history when we’ve had more chodes per capita than right now,” said Val Powley, a Pew Research Center analyst. “Chodes are everywhere. In our government. On social media and reality TV. Sliding into my DMs. We estimate one in four people are chodes, which is almost double where we were 25 years ago. This massive swell in chodes has also resulted in more mentions of the word, and ultimately more conflicting ways of spelling it, deepening the rift among Americans nationwide. We’re seeing many ‘correct’ each other’s spellings over texts with their loved ones. If Merriam-Webster doesn’t step in and settle this once and for all, we may never come together as a nation.”

Even experts with a firm command of the English language have sparred over its spelling.

“Since we’re in this age of nobody’s wrong, everyone wins a fucking prize, we’ve gotten really loose with the rulebook, accepting any ‘chode’ spelling under the sun,” former Scripps National Spelling Bee judge Alistair Worthy said. “Contestants have added extra vowels. They’ve thrown umlauts over consonants. One kid even pulled out a picture of JD Vance without uttering a single letter. So I said ‘I’m sorry, that is incorrect,’ then Scripps fired me, and now I’m suing those chodes for wrongful termination and emotional damages.”

Local fifth grade bully Brett Smythe aimed to set the record straight.

“Listen, these chodes have no clue what they’re talking about,” Smythe whispered. “I should know, I invented the word. Don’t believe me?! Just ask my boy Trevor. Or look in any bathroom stall along the east coast! Or read any comment I’ve left on every loser’s social posts or 4Chan forum. How I spell ‘chode’ is the one and only way to spell ‘chode,’ and if you don’t know it, then you are one!”

At press time, a follow-up report showed the nation is even more at odds over both the spelling and definition of the word “weenus.”