Oh, You’re a Strokes Fan? Name Three Pitchfork Writers

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors. Hey hey hey. Take off those douche-y Wayfarers and look at me with those coked-out eyes of yours when I’m talking to you. At least you got the drug-habit part right. Good good good.

Anyhow, if you’re such a Strokes fan, name three Pitchfork writers. If you’re wearing that shirt, then you know Pitchfork loves their first two albums and hates every one that came after, because all of their records since then have been dogshit. Any Strokes fan worth their obscenely-expensive leather jacket knows their best record since Dubya’s first term is Albert Hammond Jr.’s Momentary Masters, because the band as a creative unit are more dysfunctional than my marriage.

So name some Pitchfork writers. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Lester Bangs? What decade do you think you’re in? Yeah, OK, I guess if you’re into post-punk and booger sugar, you probably think it’s 1978 or whatever. That said, Bangs is a porn-stached asshole who shit on Black Sabbath, the most coked-up band EVER, so fuck him.

Brent DiCrescenzo? That pretentious douche hasn’t been on Pitchfork’s staff in twenty years, which is probably for the best, since he spent more time overwriting than a CD-RW drive. That so-called review of “St. Anger?” He talked about ProTools snorting fire ants. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?

Name one current Pitchfork writer. Just one. You should at least be able to tell me who reviewed their first—and, obviously, best—album.

No no no, “The Modern Age” was their first EP. Their first LP was “Is This It.” Duh.

Give up? Pitchfork’s founder Ryan Schreiber wrote about “Is This It,” because of course he did. No one else was qualified to write about an album THAT cool, by a band THAT cool, on a site THAT cool — except for its insanely-cool founder. Schreiber’s so cool he left Pitchfork before it went downhill and became totally un-cool. Shit, he was probably wearing a Strokes shirt when he strutted out those doors one last time.

Anyway, got any coke I could buy off you?

Country Songwriter Has Totally New Angle on Dirt Roads, Cold Coors Light, and a Pretty Blonde Gal Whose Mama Raised Her Right

Posted on by Jason Clemence

NASHVILLE — Country songwriting newcomer Bill “Ribeye” Jackson unveiled a new track that reportedly had completely inverted the dominant paradigm of down-home narratives about dirt roads, cold Coors Light, and pretty blonde gals whose mama raised ‘em right, confirmed sources.

“In the hands of lesser performers, dirt roads are just a simple stand-in for small town simplicity and the idea that communities with populations greater than 5,000 are weird and scary,” said Jackson. “But hoo boy, you’d better believe listeners are going to love my first hit about how the federal government ought to descend upon small towns to pave over those dirt roads in order to encourage commercial investment. No more four-wheelin’ and country cruisin’, boys. In my quaint fantasy world, the best way to connect with your rough-around-the-edges buddies involves non-profit social justice collectives and enjoying a few warm Coors Lights that have been sitting out in the sun for a while.”

Country performer Jeff McCoomb expressed enthusiasm for Jackson’s groundbreaking approach.

“All the bigshots who get radio play and platinum records these days just seem to want to chug cans of cheap domestic beer and drive out to the edge of town with their buddies. I don’t know if my esteemed colleagues know this, but impaired vehicle operation is illegal,” said McCoomb. “Well, after a nasty bidding war, my manager just bought the rights to Jackson’s newest song, which will provide an important corrective to such recklessness by telling the tale of a rowdy young man who does some serious soul-searching after downing a 12-pack, plowing into a family of four, and getting off with just probation because his daddy plays poker with the local prosecutor.”

Record producer Jimmy “Ace” Brennan expressed similar approval of Jackson’s characterization of women.

“Instead of cowboy boots, Daisy Dukes, and an old checkered shirt tied just right to show what God gave her, the girl in Ribeye’s newest song wears a tastefully tailored business suit to prepare for her admissions interview at Oberlin. The song’s narrator will rethink his casual objectification of women when she comes home for Thanksgiving break and introduces him to the work of feminist academic luminaries like bell hooks and Joan Copjec,” said Brennan. “We all know that modern country music fans crave variety in their music, and a song like this will really challenge them to think about a new perspective on what women are capable of.”

At press time, Jackson was putting the finishing touches on a new track about how, although a very small percentage of folks on food and housing assistance might be working the system, a comprehensive social safety net is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.

Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin Laden

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.

“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today all of America, and the world, can sleep a little bit better because we killed a really bad dude. Osama, sounds like the name of a president we used to have, is dead. America’s big beautiful bombs landed right on top of him and turned him into dust,” said Trump. “Some people, not very smart people, say he has been dead for over a decade. But that was part of the radical leftist lunatic Democrats’ plan to open up our borders so even more people could fly planes into towers. That’s what they want. Democrats were cheering in New Jersey when those planes hit.”

Trump supporter Darren Osgood was ecstatic when he heard the news.

“You see, I knew the government was lying when they said they killed him back in the day. We never even saw the body. If they actually killed him they should have put him on top of a truck and drove him around to every town in America so we could see that dead son of a bitch,” said Osgood. “But thankfully Trump used real bombs to vaporize that piece of crap. And I don’t want to hear any of these liberals whining and complaining about how this was an illegal strike that goes against American values. Think about the gas prices, those are probably going to be lower again, I think, and that’s what really matters.”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard refuted the president’s claim.

“There is no evidence that Osama bin Laden was still alive, and there is certainly no evidence that he was in Iran trying to enrich uranium in order to make a nuclear weapon. These were targeted strikes on multiple facilitie,s and we tried to keep civilian casualties to a minimum,” said Gabbard. “That said, President Trump has now installed himself as the honorary leader of the new SEAL Team 6. He also said he plans on holding a celebration where he will present himself with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a Purple Heart. While he’s doing that I’ve been smashing every mirror in a ten-mile radius because I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.”

At press time, Trump claimed he personally arrested bank robber, and Public Enemy Number One, John Dillinger, and plans to ship him to El Salvador.

FAA Declares Real Motherfuckers Can Still Fly With Their Old ID

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration announced that real motherfuckers may still board all domestic flights, regardless of Real ID status, White House sources have confirmed.

“Look, some people just can’t be bothered to comply with federal regulation, even if they’ve had seven years to do so,” said FAA spokesperson Michael Donnahugh. “At the FAA, we understand that some people’s lifestyles prevent them from stepping foot inside a DMV out of principle or even holding down a job long enough to produce a pay stub. These real motherfuckers are simply too busy living their lives or standing motionless with arms crossed at the back of a hardcore show, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything to the contrary.”

The FAA’s recent shift in policy left some people wondering why they jumped through so many hoops to become Real ID compliant.

“I just don’t get it,” said frustrated Las Vegas resident Sarah Ramos. “I waited in line at the DMV for five hours, just to be told I need a second form of identification. Is the driver’s license they issued me not enough? I mean, come on. I had to take a PTO day for this. Those don’t grow on trees. And now they’re telling me all these people get a pass? I don’t usually get political, but this is bullshit.”

Local real motherfuckers were quite pleased with the FAA’s rule.

“I’ve just been busy, man,” said Deathshits bassist and real motherfucker Aaron Mitchell. “Life is too short for standing in line, proving you work and live places. It’s just not how I want to spend my time. Plus my grindcore band is on the verge of making it. So between band practice and restoring this old rally car, I really haven’t had time to do much of anything. I’m just glad my bandmates and I can still fly. It’s hard enough driving our equipment van to Oklahoma City for unpaid gigs. When we eventually hit the national circuit, it will be great to not have to drive. Especially in New York.”

At press time, the FAA emphasized that being Real ID non-compliant doesn’t automatically qualify you for real motherfucker status, but every citizen without Real ID is encouraged to check their status within the online federal database.

I’m the Guy That Plays the Bell on “Hells Bells” & “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” & Work Has Been Slow as Fuck Ever Since

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Hey, kid. I may not be a household name, but back in the day, I was one of the in-demand session players. From ‘80 to ‘84, I was untouchable on the bell. They called me Tinnitus, ‘cause I couldn’t stop ringing.

See, I started off in my local church, doing the hourly peals on a part-time basis. But in 1970, when I heard “Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath, I had an awakening. Bells weren’t just for signaling the time of day. They could fucking rock.

Trouble is, bells are a bitch to lug around, so I didn’t get much action. I was a force in the local scene, though. I’d volunteer with the Salvation Army every Christmas and go ham on the little handheld bells. The hard work paid off. In 1980, I got a call that changed everything.

Aussie rock legends AC/DC needed a kickass way to crack open “Hells Bells.” I told that schoolboy Angus Young “I got one word for ya pal: a bell.” I knew it was a big deal, since Bon Scott had just suffered a rock star’s untimely death. I dragged over the best bell I could get from the foundry and let it rip, immortalized on Back In Black forever.

Just a few years later, those guys in Metallica offered me another gig on “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” It was “bong, bong!” all over again. At this rate, I thought, I’d be shredding the Liberty Bell in no time.

Now, you’d think that being featured on not one, but two iconic albums would result in goddamn megastardom. Yet I write this just before cleaning the shitters at Taco Bell. For some reason, I was never asked to tour as a hired gun; I suspect Lars harbored some envy.

Not only that, I got blacklisted from those sweet church gigs. They kept dropping that bullshit “devil’s music” excuse every time I flashed my resume. In 1994, I tried like hell to get on Pink Floyd’s “High Hopes,” but no dice. They had already landed the dude who maintains Big Ben.

Now I’m reduced to making some field recordings that I hawk on Bandcamp and fx sites. Those booming tones are a dying breed. Pisses me off when those pussies resort to backing tracks live. More bands need people like me. I mean, just look at the platinum records on my wall. Bells used to sell.

Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His Life

Posted on by Kevin Coons

BOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier time in his life when he loved both bands and was emotionally stunted and deeply depressed, confirmed sources.

“When I saw the tour announcement, I was just so thrilled,” Froom explained. “To get both Tim and Conor on the same bill is a dream concert. Everything has been going well for me lately and listening to those bands really takes me back to a time in my life when I was miserable, near suicidal, and just a horrible person to be around. It’s going to be an amazing show. Maybe I’ll even call up an ex-girlfriend and beg her to take me back at two in the morning for old times’ sake.”

Froom’s longtime best friend, Russ Maple, recalled the “Glory Days” of their Bright Eyes and Cursive fandom.

“Back in the summer of 2003, after Evan’s girlfriend dumped him, he barely got out of bed for weeks,” said Maple. “All he would do was listen to the Cursive song ‘After the Movies’ on repeat all day long. Or he would get drunk off Steel Reserve and post Bright Eyes lyrics to his Livejournal. Things just felt simpler back then, before he started exercising and dealing with his issues in an emotionally mature way.”

Wife Melissa Froom expressed support for her husband attending the concert.

“Everything has been going so great for Evan lately,” she explained. “He just got a promotion at work, he has an active social life, our kids are thriving at school, and he has just seemed so happy lately. He could really use some time away to be completely miserable and hopeless again. He’s always talking about how ‘back in the day’ he’d used to smoke cigarettes instead of eating, or how he’d go to parties and he never knew if he’d end up crying, passing out drunk, or both. I know it’s only for one night, but he really deserves one more chance to completely indulge his inner sense of self-hatred.”

As of press time, Froom was disappointed that everybody at the concert was seemingly having a fun time, and Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst was sober and in good spirits.

DOGE Cuts Leave NOAA Unable to Warn Midwest Towns About Incoming Emo Bands

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — Recent budget cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration by the Trump Administration has rendered it unable to adequately warn Midwest towns of incoming emo bands, local government officials have confirmed.

“What are they thinking? They left us with like two people to monitor the entire Midwest’s early warning system for emo bands. This is the hotbed of third wave emo bands blowing through dive bars, and these towns are being left completely wide open to people forced to think about calling their high school exes,” said NOAA scientist Walter Hodgekins. “Now I’m working 12 hours a day trying to monitor developing emo bands across five states. Have any of those DOGE goons ever seen a county ravaged by six American Football knockoffs? People are going to die inside!”

DOGE staffers were adamant the cuts were necessary.

“I was brought in to find fraud and abuse, but more mostly to gut agencies this administration doesn’t give a shit about. We looked into it, and personally I don’t think the NOAA needs 20 people to monitor emo band tour dates and tour van movements. Not to mention how much it costs to maintain the warning sirens,” said DOGE employee Gavin Johnson. “Emo bands are going to come through those states regardless! Just look outside if you want to know if Brand New is coming towards you. The taxpayers should be grateful, because we single-handedly saved them $5,000 by cutting staff.”

Amateur emo band chasers were worried the cuts would have widespread ramifications.

“I chase bands for fun and to educate the public, but now it feels like my peers and I are the last line of defense between overly confessional misanthropes and unsuspecting small towns. We don’t have the same reach as NOAA’s warning system. This is a slippery slope to eliminating text alerts for solo acoustic tours. This is pure negligence,” said Macus Keller. “Rumor has it Elon’s goons are burying reports about the detrimental impact of shitty vocals and arpeggios in the heartland. And you can be sure as hell FEMA won’t lift a finger to help anyone at a basement show after reminiscing about their last breakup.”

As of press time, DOGE announced cuts to the NOAA office in Florida, leaving residents open to not receive communication about impending EDM festivals.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Just Unmatched Me on Tinder After I Sent Her an Unsolicited Dick Pic

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Nobody is completely honest while online dating. Some guys will fudge their height a couple inches or pretend to be more into reading than they actually are. So when I labeled myself a “moderate” to attract more chicks, I didn’t really think much of it. However, I soon got an idea of just how close-minded and dismissive these lefties are when the first woman I talked to unmatched me just because I sent her an unsolicited dick pick.

Unbelievable. So much for the tolerant left!

I thought these people were all about acceptance? Here I am, all ready to initiate some light-hearted debate about Israel or trans people in bathrooms (I can go on for hours on that second one), but the conversation comes to an abrupt halt just because I send a nude bathroom selfie while at half-mast? What’s that all about?

Honestly, these liberal women are just as bad as that bartender over at Ruby Tuesday who said she wasn’t flirting with me. Didn’t they get the message with the election back in November? It’s now OK to act like a man, thank God. That socialist cuck Biden is no longer in office, so we don’t have to walk on eggshells when it comes to hangin brain. Women like men who are assertive, and what’s more assertive than taking a snapshot of your pecs and abs along with your partially erect penis? I’d love to know.

President Trump’s only been back in office a few months, so I guess we just have to give it some more time before concepts like masculinity and locker room talk are acceptable again. In the meantime, these Democrats really need to lighten up. They did as much damage as they could over the past four years, but they need to learn their place and step aside so the men can take over again.

Ugh, and she was wearing a Chappel Roan shirt in one of her pictures, too. I didn’t even get to give her my great take on how that music is contributing to the feminization of our culture. I even wrote down what I was going to say in my Notes app. She would’ve loved it.

Oh well. Looks like I just matched with a barista with a septum piercing. Hopefully this one will go over better.

Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still Exist

Posted on by Sara Tabin

SALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.

“Honestly, I’m mostly just relieved to hear he’s still alive,” you said. “I haven’t heard from Jared in like, half a year now. I assumed he was okay because the band’s Instagram’s updates included occasional photos of him, but you never know. He never responded to the last three memes I sent him and he didn’t show up at my birthday party. He didn’t even reply when I told him my father died. It’s whatever. His shows are fun. I sort of wish the venue wasn’t an hour away, but maybe I can catch a ride with someone and sleep in the car on the way home.”

Bunter, who invited you by texting you a flyer for the show, adding the personal touch of “can’t wait to see you!” with three sets of eye emojis, didn’t even seem to notice how much time elapsed between communication.

“It’s true, the Deltacat Kickbacks have a show this Thursday and we are going to be playing some really cool new songs,” Bunter explained. “The openers are amazing. They start at nine. Well, nine if everything goes to plan. So we should be on by 11:30 or so by the latest. I texted all of my closest friends, my family, the guys I met at a bar last weekend, my coworkers, and some of my mother’s coworkers. I’ve been a little MIA lately and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone there.”

Scene veteran Rachel Honquist, who has been attending her friends’ shows for decades, said your experience is par for the course.

“People in bands are busy. They have lives, sometimes jobs, occasionally families, and on top of all that they have to practice,” Honquist explained. “It’s normal for them to be unable to hang out on the regular or text you back despite being on their phone for eight hours a day. Or sometimes they just don’t like you. It could also be that. They’ll ask you to attend their show either way.”

At press time, Bunter had not responded to your text confirming you are excited about the concert and asking if he wants to get together for dinner next week.

Acoustic Guitar at Party Wired to Detonate When Capo Placed on Second Fret

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

STOWE, Vt. — Party attendees are on high alert after learning that the acoustic guitar on the premises has been wired to detonate if a capo is placed on the second fret, sources who would rather die than hear another shitty version of “Wonderwall” confirmed.

“After my last rager was ruined by yet another three-hour singalong, I decided that this is the only practical way to ensure that ‘Wonderwall’ is never played on my property ever again,” stated Kyle DiNatale while adjusting the straps on his kevlar-lined undershirt. “I don’t mind if any other song is played in the background, but ‘Wonderwall’ is such a party ruiner that I’m willing to shove a block of C-4 into the soundhole that will blow this entire shindig sky-high if a capo goes anywhere near the second fret.”

Self-proclaimed guitar whiz and tone deaf singer Matt Arnold is willing to find a workaround if it means he can serenade the crowd with his rendition of the iconic Oasis song without incident.

“Listen, I know that the thing’s primed to level an entire neighborhood, and I’ve experienced my share of controlled detonations in the past,” confirmed Arnold while sizing up the wiring job on the Martin acoustic sitting in the corner. “But there are variables to consider, like whether the explosive device is triggered by pitch to detonate when an open F# is strummed, or if Kyle simply has a motion sensor placed specifically on the second fret. The latter scenario can be rectified by tuning the guitar down half a step and placing a capo on the third fret. I reckon if I’m right, then we’re in the clear. If I’m wrong, just maybe I’ll go out in a blaze of glory like a Champagne Supernova in the sky.”

Local SWAT team captain Carl Stewart is prepared for business as usual after an anonymous tip from concerned partygoers.

“Honestly, I’m not too concerned with what is by all measures a standard Gallagher-class threat,” said Stewart while packing his go bag consisting of wire cutters and tuning forks. “There’s not much we can do because we can’t proactively show up at every single party that has an acoustic guitar on sight. At this point, as guitar bombs become more sophisticated, the problem will solve itself in just a few short years, collateral damage notwithstanding.”

At press time, DiNatale was spotted rigging the drum kit to prevent anybody from playing the fill from “In the Air Tonight.”