Nature Valley Introduces “Just Crumbs and Dust” Breakfast Bar

Posted on by Reece Napierski

MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North American audiences next month, confirmed sources who stopped buying those 15 years ago.

“We’ve spent $2.4 billion in research and development powered by the latest AI. It’s groundbreaking and brave,” said Nature Valley CEO Jeff Harmening. “Consumers can now carve their own path when enjoying our award-winning granola debris. They are no longer confined by traditional paradigms of rolled oat bars that are solid and stay together organically. Our focus groups ensured us the experience was ‘liberating’ albeit ‘confusing’ and ‘unwarranted.’ Still, it tested way higher than Apple Jacks ever had.”

Bailey “Big Dog” Harmening, the 17-year-old intern credited with coming up with the concept who just so happens to be the CEO’s son, described the creative process behind the product’s development:

“I thought, what if these bars were like, even more smashed up, yo. It’d be hella funny,” said the high school student. “It has all the health benefits of granola, but it’s in powder form. You know when you’re eating an oat and honey-flavored Nature Valley granola in your car and about 30 tiny pieces of it unexpectedly break off and they end up all over your seat, floor, dashboard, center console, cup holder, gas tank, and engine? That’s what sets us apart. Our products defy the laws of physics.”

Hervé Carver, a leading food scientist of 40 years, noted that the “Just Chunks and Dust” product is the latest step in major food processors trying the first idea they come up with.

“In the last year we’ve seen the McDonald’s Grimace Meal, Kraft’s Chubby Checker Chunky Cheddar Mac and Cheese, and, of course, Arby’s Slop Restaurant,” said Carver. “It’s increasingly clear that the industry thinks consumers will eat anything that you put in front of them, and they’re not exactly wrong. For instance, Hamburger Helper was invented as a joke in the ‘70s and people still eat it up today. No one even knows exactly what it is for sure.”

At press time, Nature Valley also announced that their granola bars will come with their own little vacuum cleaner to pick up the inevitable crumbs.

I Tried To Dance Like No One Was Watching, But People Were Watching And Now They’re Saying Mean Things To Me

Posted on by Charles Bill

People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because I tried to take their advice and people fucking hated me. I’ve never been so humiliated and now I fear for my safety.

I’m usually a wallflower. But after a couple of stiff drinks at the local piano bar, I tried to come out of my shell and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve never seen so many horrified faces. Their disgust turned to anger, their anger turned to hatred, and that’s when the name calling started.

At first it was just a few of them laughing and asking if I was ok. I told them “I’m just trying to groove” and that made things worse. They called me things like “Pig Fucker,” “Chode Chugger,” and “the biggest mistake my parents ever made.” It really seemed like a personal vendetta all because of my moves.

I just kept trying to move my arms rhythmically while pumping up my knees. That’s all I remember, the rest of my dancing was a blur of sweat, nervousness, and head bobs. Then things started to get physical. Someone threw a rotten tomato at me. Then a person threw a folding chair that really messed my knee up.

I kept trying to dance. One child who was there pointed at me and started crying before burying his face in his mother’s breast. I think someone threw up. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life up to that point.

Eventually a large man assembled what I can only describe as a posse of do-gooders who all dragged me off the dance floor. One sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that if I got back up there he would break my fucking legs if I tried to do that again.

Somehow my dance moves offended everyone in both personal and cultural ways. I united the entire bar in hatred against me like Ozymandias from “Watchmen.” In my sad state I looked for the friend who I had come with, who had encouraged me to dance in the first place. When I found them, they denied me, as Peter denied Christ.

One thing I learned from this harrowing experience is that I’ll never even attempt to make my own kind of music.

Chicago Braces for Worst After Dave Matthews Band Private Jet Scheduled to Fly Over City

Posted on by Matt Husser

CHICAGO — Local residents are reportedly hunkering down and preparing for the worst after Dave Matthews Band’s private jet was scheduled to fly over the city threatening another fecal catastrophe, city officials confirmed.

“No, no, no, this can’t be happening again—I finally made a breakthrough at therapy for the trauma caused by the first time Dave dumped liquid shit onto me during that architecture tour,” said Martin Hall, survivor of the Dave Matthews Band Chicago River incident. “I can’t leave my apartment now, his airplane could be right above the city just waiting to unload any minute now! Dave Matthews is probably waiting until I leave the front door so he can watch gallons of his shit water crash into me! Oh god, I need to call my therapist.”

One shop owner witnessed the chaos in the streets as Chicago residents frantically bought out supplies so they could wait out the aerial excrement assault.

“This big mob rushed into my shop and cleaned me out of paper towels and Lysol, and I had to call the cops after two guys got into a fistfight over the last toilet plunger,” said Clark Gilbert, owner of the Grey Street Mini Mart. “I tried to tell them that there’s not a plunger on God’s green earth that’s going to save them if Dave Matthews rains a biblical flood of shit down on you from the sky, but when people start panicking there’s no reasoning with them. Personally, my insurance plan if I get caught in this shit storm is a 9mm bullet with my name on it. If it comes to that, well—I’ll see you in hell, Dave Matthews.”

City officials were already scrambling to have the flight diverted before disaster strikes the city again.

“Can’t Dave just fly over Milwaukee or something? Hell, you could dump 8,000 gallons of shit on Indianapolis and no one would even notice,” said Chicago city official Paul Amir, pacing during a phone call with the Department of Aviation. “The Mayor’s breathing down my neck because his niece is having a birthday party today and I need to assure him that some jamband isn’t going to rain a poonami of shitwater down on the bouncy castle.”

At press time, Evangelical Christians were gathering in the streets to witness the “11th Plague” that would soon arrive, claiming it would signal the beginning of the end times.

Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris Nomination

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race, confirmed sources worried about long-distance phone rates.

“Oh my god, Donny is so flippin’ funny sometimes. When Ginni (Thomas) handed me the phone and told me who it was I turned bright freakin’ red, aaaaaaaah,” said Thomas while practicing writing “Clarence Trump” in his notebook. “We talked for hours about obscure legal precedents that could force delegates to pledge their votes to Biden, and we also talked about different ways to interpret the 25th Amendment and before I knew it five hours had already gone by. I kept being like you need to hang up first, and he told me I needed to hang up first. Then I asked him if he liked anyone on the Supreme Court like, more than a friend. I told Donnie I’m going to be on Harlon Crow’s yacht for the next few weeks and he needs to come by to party.”

Other members of the Supreme Court are starting to show signs of jealousy because of Justice Thomas’ flirty rapport with the Republican nominee.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feel like I’m invisible when it comes to Trump,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh trying to hold back tears. “After I helped end Roe v. Wade I was expecting maybe a call or a text saying he was proud of me, but I got totally ghosted. Everyone looooves Clarence, but I’m the one that perjured myself during my confirmation hearings. I guess that means nothing to some people. If I don’t start getting some respect around here I’ll drift more towards the center. I’m serious, they won’t be able to count on ol’ Brett to end Obamacare, nope. Sorry, not sorry. Shoulda thought of that when you bailed on my birthday party.”

Janice Escovitch of the Supreme Court watchdog group For the People is alarmed by the relationships Trump has with so many justices.

“It’s kind of sad at the end of the day, these are full-grown adults being strung along by a power-hungry madman and they don’t even realize they are being used,” said Escovitch. “There was a recent series of photos with Trump and Justice Neil Gorsuch on what seemed to be a date at a mini golf course at Mar-a-Lago. The former president was standing behind Justice Gorsuch to help him with his swing, and there was even a photo where they were sharing an ice cream cone. Trump is a player, and these justices don’t understand the game.”

At press time, Justice Thomas was working up the courage to ask Trump to be his date to the annual Supreme Court Winter Formal.

Man On Day Two Of Meltdown After Being Asked Favorite Band

Posted on by Matt McInerney

KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Sure, I have favorite bands, but to narrow it down to just one, that’s an impossible task. Why would someone put me in that situation? It’s like asking me to summarize my entire life experience in a tweet,” said Peck as he paced back and forth. “Maybe Every Time I Die? It shows I’m a little hardcore, a little metal. But I don’t want people to think I’m just a metalcore dude. And it’s gotta be more obscure. Maybe Earth would do the trick. The Black-Sabbath’s-old-name thing should play well. But I’m not sure if drone metal gets to the core of who I really am. I could just say Sabbath, but that’s so mainstream. Or The Weakerthans, but that’s not hardcore. What if I just said ‘you wouldn’t have heard of them anyway.’ Oh, that’s pretty good! But is it too pretentious? Fuck!”

Bonnie Garcia, a friend of a friend, was unintentionally responsible for this meltdown.

“I was just trying to make conversation. I had no idea my question would kick off a full-on identity crisis. It started out innocently enough; he’d start to answer, stutter, then stare off into the distance,” said Garcia. “It escalated quickly though. By his fourth attempt, I could almost see smoke pouring out of his ears. He finally asked if he could get back to me before storming off. My other friends said they haven’t seen him since. They’re planning a candlelight vigil for Friday.”

Henley Payne, a social psychologist, understands how serious a favorite band can be.

“If you dedicate your life to the music you love and build your personality around it, trying to pick just one band can be a monumental feat. It’s like asking the cast of ‘Sister Wives’ to pick a favorite child–a lot easier if you only have a couple to pick from,” said Payne. “We’ve all heard of decision paralysis, but this is the next level. No one thinks picking pasta sauce epitomizes who you are as a person. Well, unless you pick Ragu. I just can’t imagine having that little self-esteem.”

At press time, Peck had emerged and finally found Garcia to share his favorite band, to which she responded, “I’ll check them out, what’s your favorite song?”

Opinion: Frankly I’m Surprised That Qualifying for a “License to Ill” Requires So Much Paperwork

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, this was certainly unexpected. Here I am, a relatively law-abiding American citizen, trying to submit my application for a simple “License To Ill” only to get railroaded by the bureaucracy down at the county clerk’s office again. Why can’t things just be easy for once?

Also, I think it’s strange that “Ill Licensure” has its own office. Couldn’t they save a lot of money by just having it handled by the Public Works department?

Of course, I expected there to be some paperwork involved with me becoming a fully credentialed “iller.” But why in the love of fuck do I need to provide five years worth of tax returns to prove that I have 51% of my estate dedicated to “dope chillin’” at all times. That seems like something I should be able to provide on rep alone without it being filled out in triplicate.

And the clerk in this office absolutely reeks of salvia. He definitely did not file those 1040s properly.

All I want to be able to do with this license is fight for my right to party within a completely above board capacity, which will already be difficult since the License To Ill is only valid in Williamsburg and parts of Red Hook for some reason. I mean why even have the license if you’re gonna make it impossible to apply for and even then restrict it so much?

You know how most government offices have a little tray with coffee in the waiting room? Well this one just has a box filled with orange juice and forties of malt liquor, so that’s nice at least.

So now they’re saying that I need to refile all of my previous paperwork because “the beat was dropped” in my last application. I’m not even sure what that means so maybe this whole idea was a non-starter. I think I’m just gonna mix myself one more brass money for the road. Boy, it’s gonna be a pretty sloppy subway ride back to Brooklyn for me.

Rob Halford Receives Final Warning for Riding Motorcycle Inside Costco

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco, startled sources rushing from his path confirmed.

“Frankly, we’ve been extremely lenient with Mr. Halford up until now,” said Tara Becker, general manager for the bulk-grocery chain’s Phoenix location. “While we certainly appreciate his business, we simply can no longer accept him slowly rolling his Harley Davidson into this store amidst smoke from machines he’s surreptitiously installed on either side of the door. The sound of him revving the engine alone is enough to frighten away our customers who are just trying to enjoy our myriad low prices on name-brand products. We’ll have no choice but to revoke his membership if he does this again.”

Halford expressed dismay at this treatment, but appeared resolute in not altering his behavior going forward.

“You don’t become a metal god by bowing down to every demand made to you by authority figures,” the singer scoffed while adjusting his signature jewel-bedazzled leather jacket and cabbie hat. “I’ve been riding my motorcycles on stage for decades to millions of Judas Priest fans, so I don’t see why Costco should be any different. Why should my monthly outing for groceries and cat food be any less epic than singing ‘Hell Bent for Leather’ to thousands of screaming metalheads?”

Cultural psychologist Jamaal Wilkins remarked that such an attitude is common amongst prolific musicians in the metal and punk genres.

“Mr. Halford is certainly no exception when it comes to this type of conduct,” said Wilkins. “There is a long history of artists carrying their on-stage antics into inappropriate settings. GG Allin was famously banned from all K-Mart locations for defecating on the floor in the electronics department, and Ben Weinman is no longer welcome in Guitar Center after climbing and immediately falling off a Marshall Stack display in a New Jersey store. Once one has spent years living concurrently as both a performer and an everyday citizen, it can become increasingly difficult to toggle between the two.”

“I have to add, though,” Wilkins concluded, “that those dweebs at Costco are totally overreacting. Priest rules.”

At press time, Halford was spared from further castigation when store employees were called to the Personal Care section to address a shirtless Iggy Pop cutting his chest open with a package of men’s razor blades.

Biden Cancels Campaign Citing Low Ticket Sales

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, this was a tough decision. But we looked at the numbers and we just can’t make it work. With the price of gas for Air Force One it just doesn’t make economic sense for me to fly all over the country and keep fighting,” said a somber President Biden while being held up by two Secret Service members. “We had a good run, I got to give billions of dollars in weapons to some of my favorite people in the world and I’ll be forever grateful to be a part of their genocide. I know the next Democrat in office will carry on that legacy with grace and empathy. For the next few months, I’ll be playing some intimate local rallies, but my time in the spotlight is nearly over. I’m looking forward to living the last few weeks of my life as a civilian.”

Those calling for Biden to drop out of the race were excited to hear the news.

“This is amazing. It’s refreshing to see Biden being so honest. I was expecting maybe he would say some bullshit like he was checking into rehab, or maybe the tried and true ‘exhaustion’ excuse we see so often,” said Leon Anthony. “It’s tough to admit to the fact nobody likes you anymore, but he also needs to realize nobody ever liked him to begin with. All of this could have been avoided if the DNC hadn’t fucked things up so badly four years ago, but hey, the world is burning, the oceans are boiling, maybe none of us will be around in November anyway.”

Political scientist Dr. Andrea Klein of Yale University admits to being overwhelmed by the volume of news leading up to the 2024 election.

“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted. I just want one day, one fucking day, where there isn’t some news that ruins my plans. Just today I was out to lunch with my pregnant daughter and Biden dropped out of the race before we got the bill, suddenly I have 40 news outlets texting and calling me for a statement,” said Dr. Klein. “Remember when Mitt Romney had ‘binders full of women’ and that was the biggest news story? It wasn’t even that long ago, can we please go back to that? I really can’t handle this shit anymore.”

At press time, Trump’s campaign mangers were devising more ways to get the former President shot in order to get him more positive coverage.

Oh, You’re a Morbid Angel Fan? Name Three Ancient Sumerian Gods

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Sick Formulas Fatal to the Flesh shirt, bro. You’re a Morbid Angel fan? Prove it by naming three ancient Sumerian gods. I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.

The absolute nerve you displayed stepping out of the house like that. Did you think you wouldn’t be found out? So it’s suddenly OK to wear a Morbid Angel shirt while not even being able to name a single Anunnaki? You probably don’t even know that they’re the offspring of Ki and An, you uncultured swine. Educate yourself, for Christ’s sake.

“Oh, I just love the music.” Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, Pete Sandoval’s technical prowess on Chambers of Dis is a mindblowing display of precision contrasted with Trey Azagthoth’s chaotic fretwork, but the gods of the Pantheon created order FROM chaos. If you weren’t such a fucking simp you’d know that we are tasked to work alongside them in ensuring chaos doesn’t return. Did that even cross your mind when you put that shirt on, or did you just think “Oooh, pretty colors, want wear now” like the mindless oaf that you are?

“Anunnaki, Judges of Ur, remember. Anunnaki, Weighers of the Truth, be praised” is what Steve Tucker growls in the first track of the album whose artwork you’re ignorantly displaying right now. Did you know that Ur was an ancient city patroned by the moon god Nanna? Of course you didn’t, and had you been a resident of Ur, Nanna would have smote you like the insignificant little particle of fatuity that you are. You make me sick.

What’s that? You own the limited-edition slim pack Domination vinyl? Well, bully for you! What would be more impressive is if you had a copy of the Eridu Genesis, which every true Morbid Angel fan knows contains the tale of Enki instructing Ziusudra to build a boat for the Great Flood, something which might ring a bell in your feeble little Western mind. Ugh, even having a PDF of it on your desktop would’ve sufficed. But let’s all gather around and applaud you on the shirt which you donned with all the thoughtfulness of a fucking amoeba.

I’d love to stick around and berate you some more, but I see someone wearing a Bolt Thrower shirt and I definitely don’t recognize this plebe from any of my Warhammer 40K meetups.

Biden Touts Mental Acuity By Releasing Successfully Completed “Can You Spot The Difference?” Results From Highlights Magazine

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results, confirmed sources who just wished he would step down already.

“Listen Jack, here’s the deal — there’s a fox hiding in that hay loft window. But over here in this other picture, he’s disappeared. And that’s no joke,” Biden said while pointing at the magazine and staring into the middle distance. “The fact is, the spots on the cow have shifted, folks. Bottom line is there are more apples on the ground, man. Anyone can see that. Look, that scarecrow coat has a whole new color. Trump wouldn’t be able to see these changes, just like how he failed to protect America, and that’s no foolin’.”

Biden’s physician Dr. Elliott McGarkle reaffirmed the President’s mental confidence.

“He’s been practicing and doing the Highlights magazine quizzes for months now, anticipating voter skepticism, but I think he’s in really great shape,” Dr. McGarkle shared in between very frequent visits to the Oval Office. “We have him on ashwagandha smoothies and are ensuring mental sharpness with his usual five-hour nap. Sure, he might have gotten a helpful hint from family here or there, but at least he circles the differences himself. Plus this is the only test his team will accept publicly releasing, so it’s really all we have to work with.”

Lyndsey Whittaker, the longtime White House Historian, put Biden’s announcement in context.

“There is actually a long American political tradition of using ‘Spot the Difference’ panels to boost one’s electability in a presidential race,” Whittaker shared from her windowless federal office. “Kennedy was known to sleep with both the inker and illustrator of Highlights magazine. Reagan could barely complete the quiz towards the end of his second term, while Clinton used interns for help. Trump surprised everyone by confidently claiming two images to be exactly the same, a historical first, but what’s surprising is how many people simply went along with it.”

At press time, Biden stirred doubt by refusing to release his completed “My Day at the Beach” themed word search.