The Top Ten Most Underrated Capitol Records Albums That Aren’t By The Beatles

Posted on by Scott Waldman

While The Fab Four will forever live dormant in the complex paradox vortex Herpes simplex of being both mainstream as it gets by every stretch or measure, and underrated by every portion of your lack of imagination, even their least popular full-length studio album, likely “Yellow Submarine” or “Beatles For Sale” cannot be listed here for legal or notary purposes. Same goes for the mall screamo sensations known as The Beach Boys, and heavy, heavy grindcore icon Katy “Blegh” Perry. However, the ten records that we deem most underappreciated from Capitol Records are. Spoiler alert: SOME are from large bands, but ALL are underrated LPs. “I” may have prevailed much, much more than “static,” but you’re so much more highly evolved than 2017 mainstage Taylor Swift cover bands could ever be, so break down the paper walls and yell till the balloon pops!

Blind Melon “Soup” (1995)

Let’s start with something sad, as things can only go up from here: The alternative rock and children bumblebee communities lost a real one when Blind Melon’s vocalist Shannon Hoon left this earth, and “Soup,” the band’s sophomore full-length studio album, was the band’s last to be released whilst Hoon was a living breathing thing on this earth. While it is nearly impossible for any band to have a sequel that did commercially better than Blind Melon’s breakout debut LP, this one definitely deserved almost as many sales and way, way better reviews. Thankfully it’s more of a grower than a shower, and “Soup” has achieved the fanfare it deserved from the same people that say things like “I don’t really like The Beatles.” Plus, how badass is the album cover? Also, remember hidden tracks that start before an album a la another Capitol Records release called “Losing Streak” by Less Than Jake. If not, we’re boomers, besties.

The F-Ups “Self-Titled” (2004)

Minnesota is for punks, and The F-Ups showed the world that Rochester was also a solid breeding ground for rock acts, despite not being Rochester, New York, home to both the garbage plate and The House of Guitars. It’s quite ballsy for a band to have a cover of a revered song like Mott the Hoople’s “All The Young Dudes,” and it is even riskier for a band to cover a cover that has been covered before in mainstream fashion like World Party did on the “Clueless” soundtrack, but The F-Ups are full of stones. Anyway, The F-Ups’ opening track on this LP, “Lazy Generation,” was featured in several video games, but sadly, the band split two years after their debut LP. Happily, they reunited in 2020, so look at your son now!

Jimmy Eat World “Static Prevails” (1996)

“Clarity” is typically the oldest JEW, yes, JEW album to be namechecked publicly, but “Static Prevails” deserves your time as well for many reasons. First off, “Claire,” track three right here, is a top ten Jimmy Eat World song. Secondly, while he sang lead for less and less JEW songs and records in succession, guitarist Tom Linton got ample vocal lead time to shine on half of the tracks, and his voice provided a counterpart and some diversity to crooner Jim Adkins. Lastly, despite not being in Drop D, it’s the band’s heaviest and most angular album. So pretend that you’re listening to Drive Like Jehu, never stop thinking AT all, and triple the fook out of anything fast or actionable.

Mae “Singularity” (2007)

After two critically and commercially successful full-length efforts, the emo/rock masterpiece, “Destination: Beautiful,” and the ambitiously orchestral, “The Everglow” LPs, for indie Tooth & Nail, Mae was hyped and poised for mainstream success with their major label debut “Singularity.” However, somehow somewhere something and somebody it failed before it ever had a chance, and said stat was catastrophic for Mae causing the band to lose key members and eventually break up. Even though they formed a few years later, the band would never rise to the heights of “The Everglow” and wouldn’t rock as hard as they did on the album’s single “Sometimes I Can’t Make It Alone.” Perhaps the record was too mainstream/Warped Tour for Mae’s “cool” listeners who were neither cool or hot, or possibly, these little twerps scoffed at the sight and thought of said band selling their souls to a major label.

OK Go “Self-Titled” (2002)

OK Go’s music videos involving treadmills, and attention to detail may have gotten more attention than this self-titled release, but their debut self–titled LP is a power-pop/pop-rock masterpiece front to back, and easily our favorite from the band that seemingly quintupled to the quintuple power in fame with their sophomore album, “Oh No,” and particularly via the band’s hit, “Here It Goes Again”. Oh no is literally right on all fronts as this one should’ve gotten way, way more fanfare than it had. What to do? Well the fix is in, as you’re so damn hot, and we want you to travel back to 2002, a much simpler time, and rock out to all twelve tracks one at a time for all flowers, returns, and white uncolored automobiles.

Relient K “Five Score and Seven Years Ago” (2007)

“Five Score and Seven Years Ago” is Relient K’s best overall body of work. You think that all of its predecessors and its immediate sequel are all superior in every way, shape, or form: Well, crayons can melt on you for all we care over your deathbed of devastation and lack of reform. Sadly, while this LP had a solid debut week, it didn’t reach the heights of its prior album “Mmhmm,” thus becoming the band’s second of two full-length studio albums for Capitol Records; the buying and PureVolume streaming public must have done something wrong. Fun fact: One of the main reasons that this album is easily their best produced effort is because the band actually had a pre-production budget; what the hell is a record budget anyway?

Skeleton Key “Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon” (1997)

Easily the most underrated full-length studio album listed here, despite being nominated but not winning a Grammy Award for its, wait for it, wait for it, uniquely and pristinely designed artwork, and if you want more proof, try to find Skeleton Key’s “Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon” on DSPs. Fun fact: you likely remember MTV’s non-hit show “Oddville, MTV,” and if you aren’t, you’re just weird in another way that is too weird to mention. Regardless, go on YouTube and watch the band’s WTF performance. Done? Sweet. Now watch blink-182’s, Wild Orchid’s (a girl group featuring a young Fergie years before she became Fergalicious with The Black Eyed Peas), Descendents’ and more in the digital rabbit hole. Cool? Sweet. So, dear reader, don’t nod off just yet so you can desperately watch the fat man swing… Scratch that as the needle never ends!

Smoking Popes “Born to Quit” (1994)

Bayside, Mike Park, your elderly cousin who still lives with his stepmom, and Alkaline Trio love this band like a milkshake, so why shouldn’t you? This Smoking Popes entry is interesting in a non-ugly painting way, as this album, “Born to Quit,” was big enough for the band NOT to get dropped, but not large enough to be mainstream. C’est la vie! Smoking Popes released one more full-length studio album for Capitol Records after this sleeper and realized that their major label party was over. Why didn’t the three Caterer brothers become pop stars like the three gents in Hanson? We gotta know right now as we can’t help the teardrops from getting cried. In closing, take a gander at this album cover, which thirty years later in the present year could NEVER be created via a major label release.

The Vines “Winning Days” (2004)

The Vines’ debut full-length studio record “Highly Evolved” righteously swam successfully in the “garage rock” Big Four portion of the early-aughts wherein each band had a “The” in the beginning and something pluralized like “White Stripes,” “Hives,” and “Strokes.” However, its less grungy but still catchy sequel “Winning Days” may have had success in an Apple commercial, which ain’t a bad thing, but we don’t recall too many people stateside singing its praises. So drown the Baptists, burn the Westboro Baptist Church, look into the life/sterling career of John the Baptist, and hail Satan towards Sydney, Australia’s The Vines… and if you have time, which we believe that you do as you’re reading this, ride with the five follow-up LPs to “Winning Days”.

Yellowcard “Paper Walls” (2007)

Dear Bobbie, in a perfect world, this particular record would have been the follow-up to Yellowcard’s breakout and Radio Disney approved LP, “Ocean Avenue,” and the band’s best release (you know we’re right) “Lights and Sounds” would have been Capitol Records’ third Yellowcard album, but sadly that was not the case. We know that you know as well as we do that this world is far from perfect, so our shadows and regrets will forever darken the sky and cut Mick Jagger with a plastic fork. “Paper Walls” likely fell under your radar for more reasons than its meh single “Light Up The Sky,” and you need to remedy that stat! Honestly, approximately half of the record’s songs would’ve been better as highlight tracks, but you didn’t hear it from us. The band took a hiatus after this one, and made an incredible comeback before disbanding and reforming again!

Heartwarming: This Atheist Mother Makes up for Her Children’s Lack of Religious Trauma by Doubling up on Regular Trauma

Posted on by Livy Berry

This week we sat down with a mother who has gone out of her way to make sure her children feel included. Cathy Ackerson, a true hero, bravely admits that, as an atheist, she cannot provide the religious trauma that so many of us will have to carry our whole lives. Out of the goodness of her heart, Cathy has been working overtime to expose her children to as much secular trauma as possible to combat this tragic deficiency.

“I grew up in the church, and while I am no longer religious, I do regret that my children will be missing out on some of those experiences I had growing up. My husband and I decided a long time ago that this was unacceptable, so I’m doing whatever I can for my little angels.” Cathy admits she will sometimes wait for her daughters to come home to pick deep, personal fights with her husband in the hopes that it’s enough to create long term effects. “If I can cause a fear of abandonment strong enough to affect their relationships even deep into adulthood, I will consider that a job well done.”

Wow! Truly a commitment that is rare to find today. With all of today’s distractions, it can be easy to let certain experiences slip by. Being an active parent really makes all the difference, and Cathy’s dedication to her children has not gone unnoticed.

“She really does everything for us!” said Cathy’s eldest daughter Virginia. “She knows all my friends are constantly told that their morality lies within their virginity, and though she can’t provide that exact lifelong trauma, she makes sure to mention every single day that I’ll never find a man to love me if I don’t do something about my weight. And she scares my youngest brother away from pornography by telling him if he watches it the house will burn down with him trapped inside.”

Child psychologist Alan Sterling lends us his point of view, noting the rise in non-religious households.

“More and more families are raising their children without religion, and this is leaving them with a huge absence of religious emotional damage,” said Sterling. “The act of trying to make up for that absence with whatever resources you have really shows your child how much you care. And research show kids need this sort of trauma in order to build character, a society full of well-adjusted adults could never work.”

If only there were more parents with such a passion! We hope this story may inspire non-religious families everywhere to really step up and go the extra mile for the people you love most. Take Cathy’s advice, call your beautiful child a slut today!

Tourists Flock to City Lake for Summertime Chemical Garbage Blooms

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

LISTERVILLE, Calif. — Tourists from across various southern California locales flocked to the sleepy town of Listerville outside of the Sequioa National Forest to witness the annual chemical garbage blooms emitting from Edendale Lake.

“We have photographers, TikTokers, podcasters, all sorts down here enjoying the fresh oil slick rainbows swirling atop our public ponds,” claimed Chuck Runyon, Director of the Department of Parks and Recreation. “Kids just love finding patterns in the poisoned algae. Plus, we’re introducing Trashy the mascot this year, a walking huggable garbage friend for tykes, made entirely out of repurposed vape cartridges. Tons to see here: we have a biology lab set up for grad students studying new bacterial life, also set up to examine the carnivorous plants swallowing up our bird population. Unfortunately, we’re unable to secure any food truck service due to the ‘7 o’clock stench.’ When the sun hits the water, this neighborhood experiences a mass hallucination.”

Pollutant enthusiast Laurel Pierce drove over 100 miles to see the chemical blooms in person.

“It’s like Burning Man, but much smaller, in a public park and with the worst smell you’ve ever encountered, riper than a forest wook,” said Pierce through her industrial-grade gas mask. “Nabbed parking, claimed a lawn spot at 6 am and have been here all day with my beach chair. Gonna get some high-res photos of the psychedelic swirls forming on the surface. If I can get up to the pipe where the runoff sludges into the water, I might capture ‘Heaven’s Stinky Trail,’ the local nickname for green smoke emanating out of the lake. Only happens at certain times of day. Can’t spend too much money out here, I’m really saving up to row out to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch–I hear the way the sunset reflects off the plastic out there is beautiful, man.”

However, not all are fans of the tourist hordes, including nearby resident Frank K. McSpahn.

“They come here and throw their own trash into the river, thinking it’ll add to the kaleidoscopic swirls,” complained McSpahn in front of his blocked driveway. “These folks come for a weekend, but we’re the ones left with the constant fires springing up from the water, the toxic bubbling springs, the 24/7 smell. Hell, these tourist greenhorns will even rent and paddle those swan boats out on the lake, when any local knows you need a hazmat suit. One time I saw a kid swimming in the lake. I remember yelling, ‘Get him out! It’s not safe!’ Next summer, I thought the family adopted a golden-doodle in their grief, but it was the same boy!”

At press time, the Tourism Board is considering the installation of lakeside bungalows along the shore, compatible with a fumigation tent to prevent skin-rot from exposure to the lake.

Opinion: I’m Not Like the Other Managers at This Hedge Fund, I Listen to Metallica

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Whenever I meet someone else who works in finance, they’re quick to admire my nice clothes, six-figure salary, and ability to make women test how long they can listen to unsolicited financial advice in exchange for free drinks. They think I’m like them, but when they find out this hedge fund manager is also a bonafide crazy Metallica fan, it breaks their brain.

When I’m investing a billionaire’s earnings into a private equity firm that’s decreasing the quality of most consumer products to gain short term growth before selling or bankrupting a previously reputable company, you know that I’m getting in the zone with a little “Seek and Destroy.” The employees at my firm are all into teeny bopper music like Britney Spears or Justin Bieber. Shit that blares on every other lamestream radio station plays 24/7. Not me, I’ve got “For Whom The Bell Tolls” cranking on my $400 Bose headphones as I hand HR another list of employees getting laid off this fiscal quarter.

My journey with the band goes all the way back to their underground days with “St. Anger.” When I watched the scene in “Some Kind of Monster ” where Lars auctions his Basquiat for five million dollars, I knew these guys weren’t just an incredible hard rock band, but a group of guys with an astute investment portfolio. No other band has the business acumen to get a concert in Fortnite, distill their own brand of premium whisky, or perform with toy instruments on Jimmy Fallon. It’s the kind of sensibility that inspires me as I figure out the best defense contractor to put a corrupt politician’s embezzled campaign funds into.

My life may look perfect, but it’s not easy being the black sheep of the company. Sure I join the partners on the P.J. over to Europe, but when they go to hit the beaches, I’m off spending two nights in the $2000 VIP Snake Pit. Casual Friday to the other managers at the firm might mean a polo shirt or khakis, but to me, it’s an $80 Metallica tour shirt that I picked up in the priority merch booth. One of our interns mentioned she thought of me after hearing St. Vincent’s “Sad But True” cover, but I doubt she can become a real fan of Metallica getting into them that way.

Buckcherry Wonders If They Suck Too Much or Not Enough for Ironic Nostalgia

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

BOONVILLE, N.Y. — Frequently ridiculed rock band Buckcherry were curious if they were disparaged too much or not enough in the past 25 years to be included in the ironic nostalgia bucket, with the likes of Creed and Limp Bizkit, confirmed sources who were wondering themselves.

“Limp Bizkit is playing Lollapalooza to thousands of screaming fans; Creed had their own cruise and is headlining a national tour. Yet here I am, singing ‘I love the cocaine’ in a pavilion next to the Merry-Go-Round at the County Fair,” said Buckcherry singer Josh Todd while waiting in line for deep fried Oreos. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that people think we suck on a national and global scale, but maybe we don’t suck as much as they do? Or… Oh, God, do they think we suck worse? I don’t understand how much suck is too much suck to be adored.”

The lack of paradoxical nostalgia for Buckcherry is palpable at social gatherings across the country, where their absence from playlists speaks volumes.

“We were at George’s parents’ lakehouse having a boys’ night, jamming out to an ironic playlist,” said 35-year-old Jeb Kerry. “The mood was great after two of my selections played: ‘Voodoo’ by Godsmack and ‘All-Star’ by Smash Mouth. Then Preston puts on ‘Crazy Bitch.’ The vibe just died. Everyone felt… uncomfortable. Even Preston apologized for going too far as he left and called his wife crying. He’s out of the friend group as far as I’m concerned.”

Recent academic studies may provide insight into why this trend appears to be skipping over bands such as Buckcherry.

“It’s easy to be nostalgic for bands that don’t suck too much,” said Dr. Melissa D. Jackson, a Music History Ph.D and substitute elementary school teacher. “Some of their music rocks, and it’s tied to significant moments in your life. Bands like Nickelback and Papa Roach—they suck, sure, but you can laugh at how you used to think they were good bands. However, some bands cross a threshold on my theorized ‘suck-axis’ where it’s no longer funny. Their music causes visceral disgust. According to my peer-reviewed metrics, Buckcherry ranks well beyond this threshold on the suck-axis, landing just shy of Insane Clown Posse and Kid Rock. This renders Buckcherry far too terrible for any ironic resurgence.”

At press time, Todd was reportedly banned from TikTok for creating fake accounts to comment “it would be funny if we all started ironically streaming Buckcherry, too” under videos of Creed.

Startling New Report Reveals Average JoAnn Fabrics Customer More Anarchist Than Anyone at Punk Show

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLESTON, S.C. — A new study by the College of Charleston confirms that the majority of shoppers at JoAnn Fabrics espouse stronger and more tangible anarchist ideals than anyone attending modern punk shows, unsurprised customers confirmed.

“Oh honey, I would much rather make winter fleeces for my granddaughters than support some big corporation with their sweatshops and tax write-offs!” stated June Pulaski, founder of the local Stitch, Bitch, n’ Kill Fascists Club. “And as for those children who go to those punk rock and roll shows, they should listen to some Lawrence Welk. Now he was a real musician! Though, to be fair, I also find myself tapping my toes to that new Knocked Loose album from time to time.”

Local Charleston punks dispute the claims about their community found in the college’s research.

“Oh bullshit, I’m more anarchist than those nerds will ever know— it even says so on this battle jacket I got from Urban Outfitters,” said Jared Reed, whose mother bought the jacket for his fifteenth and a half birthday. “You gotta look the part, or else people won’t know how punk you are. Hell, I almost lost my voice last night singing along to songs about ‘revolution’ and ‘rising up.’ I just can’t wait for all these bands to tell me specifically what to rise up against. Those old bags at the craft store are just a bunch of fascist Karens, I think.”

Those who conducted the study commented on the apparent dichotomy between the punk community and those actually putting anti-authoritarian theories into practice.

“All those kids dressing up and going to shows are posers, at least in the political science sense,” explained Professor Dante Clyburn, head researcher in the College of Charleston’s political science department. “They generally serve the benefit of oppressive systems such as capitalism and colonialism, with their unbridled consumerism and rehashed riffs. People who make their own clothes, grow their own food, and support each other in other ways weaken those systems in their immediate sphere. Our study found that a Singer sewing machine is more punk than a Marshall half-stack will ever be. But not all craft stores are created equal: to no one’s surprise, we found that Hobby Lobby shoppers are overwhelmingly Christofascists.”

At press time, an anonymous whistleblower leaked information confirming that the FBI has been tracking Joann Smiles rewards users for anti-American operations since the mid-1950s.

Hey Girl, You Looked Cute So I Wanted To Tell You That the Keyboardist From No Doubt Used To Be an Animator for “The Simpsons”

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Hey girl, saw you across the coffee shop, your face buried in a book, looking all sexy by asking the barista for ice because your tea is too hot. I thought to myself “Damn, I should tell her one of the many interesting facts I know,” so here it goes.

You remember that band No Doubt from the 90’s? Well, on their first three albums, they had a founding member who was a keyboardist. Not just any keyboardist either, it was Gwen Stefani’s brother Eric who left when the band hit big to focus on his animation career…

Pretty wild bit of trivia huh? Well, that’s the kind of guy I am, wild. Yeah, can’t blame you for blushing at me knowing this knowledge, just like how you can’t blame Eric Stefani for leaving. He was the character layout artist for the first nine seasons of The Simpsons. Not to mention the intro for Honey I Shrunk The Kid and post John K episodes of Ren and Stimpy. So next time you watch Stimpy donate the fat from his buttcheeks to be surgically turned into Ren’s muscles, you can now think to yourself that one of the people drawing on that was also recording Tragic Kingdom on the side.

Because you said “Oh, that’s nice” I’m assuming this conversation is going great and you’d love to learn more.

Well, uh, did you know that Dana Carvey’s brother invented the Video Toaster, a revolutionary device in video making? If you want to come to my apartment I can show you it as long as we don’t disturb my roommates who work remotely. We can also watch a movie and I can point out every time an animal noise is voiced by Frank Welker… but hey no pressure… or implications from coming over to my place, heh

I see you’re back to reading your book so you probably didn’t hear that last part. That’s okay, I’ll let my soft words just seep into your subconscious and you will know to come to my end of the coffee shop once you’re done reading. I’ve got a tidbit about Tony Todd’s contract while shooting “Candyman” that I think is gonna rock your world.

Chino Moreno Caught Moaning Into Oscillating Fan Again

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

SACRAMENTO, Calif.— Deftones frontman Chino Moreno was recently discovered belting out various moans and screams into an oscillating fan while working on one of his side-projects, confirmed audio engineers scrambling to find the right plug-ins to capture his true essence.

“For the most part, my signature sound can be captured using a tried-and-true Black & Decker with the 16” blade,” said Moreno as he worked his way through the band’s warehouse taking an inventory of the dozens of fans he’s accumulated over the years. “But I’ve been toying with my sound, and I’ve really taken a liking to Lasko/Galaxy 3150/2150 12″ oscillating fans from the ’70s for their tighter midrange. They just don’t build them like they used to. Dyson makes some good shit too, but they’re not really built for the road. And the bladeless models make Stefan paranoid for reasons that I don’t fully understand.”

Deftones drummer and founding member Abe Cunningham is surprisingly supportive of Moreno’s growing collection of oscillating fans despite the staggering storage costs.

“Our last merch drop pretty much secured the lease at our warehouse for the next five years, so Chino can buy as many fans as he wants,” said Cunningham as he worked through his pre-concert stretches. “Fuck, I’m 50 years old, and I’m still using 2B sticks, so who am I to get in the way of his creative process if it means that I can use his 20” Lasko Wind Machine Air Circulator Floor Fan with three different speed settings to cool off behind the kit until he needs it for the last chorus of ‘Digital Bath?’ It helps him slide into those high notes, and I don’t drop any sticks because my hands are dry as a bone.”

Deftones producer and longtime collaborator Terry Date admits how impractical Moreno’s vocal methods are, but can’t argue with the results.

“Chino is going to do what Chino does, and I try not to get in the way of his musical genius,” Date said in regard to Moreno’s unconventional methods. “I’m not in a position to complain, because Deftones are still selling records to legions of fans. Do I wish he used more up-to-date technology in a live setting? Absolutely. But that scream in ‘Genesis’ you’re hearing? You can thank Honeywell for that.”

At press time, Moreno was spotted at Lowe’s staring in awe at a Hunter Xp 120” ceiling fan.

From Bigfoot to The Mothman: 25 Cryptids Announce Their 2024 Presidential Endorsements

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

With the election cycle heating up and America more divided than ever the world’s most elusive supernatural creatures came out of hiding to declare their political leanings for the 2024 presidential election. Whether they’re putting up political yard signs deep in the woods or registering voters in their murky swamps, these cryptids have made their preferences known, and it’s clear that even mythical beings have strong opinions on our political landscape.

“Patty” the Bigfoot

This legendary female Sasquatch, affectionately known as Patty, is advocating for women’s bodily autonomy and reproductive rights. “It’s crucial for every woman to have control over her own body and choices,” Patty stated emphatically. She emphasizes that just as she protects her own domain and makes decisions that impact her well-being and that of her kin, women must also have the autonomy to make decisions about their own lives. As a result, Patty the Bigfoot is voting for Kamala Harris.

The Beast of Bray Road

Known for its formidable presence and mysterious ways, Wisconsin’s Beast of Bray Road is a staunch supporter of hardline Republican values, particularly emphasizing strong rural traditions and family structures. “Our rural communities have long thrived on shared values, hard work, and close-knit family bonds,” the beast stated. “We need a leader who will fight the ‘woke agenda’ and will protect us from the encroachment of radical changes that threaten to undermine our traditions and way of living.” The Beast of Bray Road is firmly endorsing Donald Trump.

The Jersey Devil

The Jersey Devil has revealed a surprisingly pro-union stance, advocating for workers’ rights and fair wages. As a long-time Teamster, the Jersey Devil has seen firsthand the challenges faced by workers and is committed to improving conditions for laborers. “I’ve seen too many hard working folks get the short end of the stick,” it screeched from the Pine Barrens. “We need someone who fights for the people, not just the big bosses.” With this in mind, the Jersey Devil is voting for Kamala Harris.

The Florida Skunk Ape

Known for its wild antics and unpredictable behavior, the Florida Skunk Ape has embraced the role of a true “Florida Man” in the political arena. “I love the chaos, the excitement, the drama!” it exclaimed, waving a Let’s Go Brandon flag. “Trump’s the only one who gets it!” The Skunk Ape is against draining the swamp, however, as it is his natural habitat. The Florida Skunk Ape is obviously backing Donald Trump.

The Mothman

This harbinger of doom has turned its ominous gaze towards America’s crumbling infrastructure. “Bridges collapsing, roads full of potholes, and outdated power grids – it’s a disaster waiting to happen,” Mothman warned. “We need someone who prioritizes rebuilding and modernizing our country. This will create thousands of badly needed jobs in the area. JD Vance pretends to be from ‘round here, but he doesn’t understand the struggles of the common man.” The Mothman is voting for Kamala Harris.

The Loveland Frogman

Emerging from the misty banks of the Little Miami River, the Loveland Frogman is a staunch advocate for cleaning up our waterways. “Our rivers and streams are in dire need of attention,” it croaked. “We need a leader who prioritizes environmental health and the preservation of natural habitats.” With a focus on environmental policies and waterway restoration, the Loveland Frogman is voting for the Green Party Candidate.

The Dover Demon

This elusive creature from Dover, Massachusetts wishes for even more chaos during this already hectic campaign season.“Humanity’s time is up,” the Dover Demon declared with an unsettling calmness. Aligning itself with dark forces and apocalyptic visions, the Dover Demon is casting its vote for third-party candidate Naf’Sung The Ancient One, believing that Naf’Thung will usher in the chaos and destruction necessary for the demon’s plans

The Nain Rouge

Emerging from the gritty streets of inner-city Detroit, the Nain Rouge is a fierce advocate for all things Detroit. “This city is my heart and soul,” it proclaimed with pride. “From the music to the sports teams, to the resilient spirit of its people.” Emphasizing a deep love for the Motor City and its unique culture, the Nain Rouge is casting its vote for Eminem, believing that the hometown hero will represent and champion the true spirit of Detroit on the national stage.

The Fresno Nightcrawler

Known for its mysterious, ghostly presence, the Fresno Nightcrawler is a fervent supporter of the “Don’t Tread on Me” philosophy. It’s all about personal freedom and minimal government interference. “We need a leader who respects our individual rights and freedoms,” the Fresno Nightcrawler declared. The Fresno Nightcrawler will be voting for Donald Trump.

The Flatwoods Monster 

In staunch opposition to his West Virginian counterpart The Mothman’s standings, the Flatwoods Monster is a die-hard supporter of coal jobs and traditional industries. “We need to bring back the jobs that made this country great,” it insisted. “To bring back that tradition, I support United Mine Workers of America President John L. Lewis, who died in 1969 and whose ghost has lots of unfinished business.” The Flatwoods Monster is enthusiastically voting for the ghost of John L. Lewis, dead President of the United Mine Workers of America.

The Badlands Banshee

Hailing from the eerie landscapes of South Dakota, the Badlands Banshee is a spectral figure deeply concerned about the recent shifts in the Supreme Court’s decisions. This female cryptid, known for her mournful wails that echo through the Badlands, has voiced her unease about what she perceives as a troubling erosion of rights and liberties. “The direction the Supreme Court has taken is deeply concerning,” she lamented. With a firm belief in restoring balance and protecting fundamental rights, the Badlands Banshee is casting her vote for the reanimated corpse of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The Fouke Monster

Deep in the rural expanses of Arkansas lives the the Fouke Monster,  and they have a unique perspective on local politics. Embracing the nostalgic appeal of a familiar face, it’s throwing its support behind former President Bill Clinton. “Bill understands small-town values and the needs of rural communities,” the Fouke Monster declared. “His policies brought prosperity to places like mine, and we need that kind of leadership again.” With a deep appreciation for Clinton’s legacy in rejuvenating the economic landscape of rural America, the Fouke Monster has decided to endorse Bill Clinton.

The Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp

Known for his controversial stances and unconventional beliefs, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp has made his political preferences clear. This cryptid is not content with the current state of human governance and believes it’s time for the underground kingdom of the lizard people to rise up and take their rightful place ruling over humanity. “My people have waited thousands of years to take their rightful place above ground,” the Lizard Man proclaimed. “We need a leader who will rule the surface world and put humans in their place, on their knees.” With this vision in mind, the Lizard Man is casting his vote for Esspor the IV, King of the Lizard People.

El Chupacabra

Deeply troubled by the treatment of illegal immigrants, the Chupacabra has emerged as a passionate advocate for humane immigration policies. This elusive creature believes that every individual deserves compassion and fair treatment, regardless of their status. “As an immigrant myself, this is very personal to me. It’s essential to address the injustices faced by immigrants and ensure that their rights are protected,” the Chupacabra stated. The Chupacabra is staunchly voting for Kamala Harris in the 2024 election with hopes of pushing the Democrat part left.

The Michigan Dogman

Disillusioned with the current political landscape, the Michigan Dogman has decided that none of the candidates are worthy of his vote. “I’m tired of empty promises and broken systems,” he growled. “None of these candidates understand what it means to truly protect and serve our communities.” With this sentiment, the Michigan Dogman has announced that he is voting for himself in the upcoming election, believing he is the only one capable of bringing real change and leadership.

The Honey Island Swamp Monster

Known for its love of simple pleasures like beer, wrestling, and pickup trucks, the Honey Island Swamp Monster (aka The Cajun Sasquatch) has made its political choice clear. “There’s nothing like cracking open a cold one, catching some wrestling action, and cruising down the bayou in a trusty truck,” it grinned. “We need a leader who understands the heart and soul of this great American way of life.” The Honey Island Swamp Monster is proudly voting for “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

The Thunderbird

The Thunderbird has taken a firm stand in support of Indigenous peoples’ rights and cultural preservation. It is deeply committed to advocating for the protection of sacred lands and respecting traditional knowledge. “Our Indigenous communities deserve a government that honors their heritage and rights,” the Thunderbird declared. With a deep reverence for spiritual leadership and ancestral wisdom, the Thunderbird has announced that it is voting for Gitche Manitou, the Great Spirit.

The Enfield Horror

The three-legged Enfield Horror, known for its malevolent presence, has declared its support for chaos and darkness. “I’ve been condemned and vilified for far too long,” the Enfield Horror hissed. “It’s time to embrace true malevolence and watch the world burn.” With a desire to spread corruption and revel in destruction, the Enfield Horror is casting its vote for the demon Astaroth, The Great Duke of Hell, embracing the promise of ultimate apocalypse for the upcoming election.

The Pukwudgie

Known for its mischievous antics and love of chaos, The Pukwudgie is relishing the opportunity to disrupt the political landscape. “Why settle for the usual candidates when you can have pure pandemonium?” the Pukwudgie declared. “Let’s shake things up and add some chaos!” Embracing its affinity for disorder, The Pukwudgie is throwing its support behind YouTube star PewDiePie known for his controversial antics and sensationalism.

The Shunka Warakin

As a staunch advocate for animal rights, The Shunka Warakin believes that humanity has become a blight on the planet, wreaking havoc on ecosystems and wildlife. “Man’s greed and carelessness have turned this world into a wasteland,” the Shunka Warakin declared with a fierce snarl. “We need a leader who will bring about a radical shift in priorities, restoring balance and respecting nature.” Embracing a more radical approach to environmental preservation, The Shunka Warakin is voting for fellow cryptid The Man-Eating Tree of Nubia, an entity known for its fierce stance against exploitation and its commitment to devouring human bodies whole.

The Skinwalker

In the shadowy realms of folklore, the Skinwalker is known for its shape-shifting abilities and subterfuge, The Skinwalker has unveiled a diabolical plan to reshape the political landscape. “I’m going to assume the guise of Donald Trump, infiltrate his life, and seize control of his campaign,” The Skinwalker declared with a chilling laugh. “By voting as Trump, I’ll ensure my own vision for this country becomes reality. I have a feeling now matter what I do, no one will find it odd.” With this ambitious scheme, The Skinwalker is voting for himself wearing the skin of Donald Trump in the 2024 election.

The Beltsville Goatman

Known for its mysterious and somewhat rebellious nature, the Beltsville Goatman emerged with a surprising stance on drug policy. This cryptid is a staunch supporter of the legalization of drugs, believing it would lead to a more sensible and effective approach to drug laws. “The war on drugs has failed and the current system is a mess; we need to end the prohibition and treat it as a public health issue,” the Goatman argued. The Beltsville Goatman is fervently backing Bernie Sanders for the 2024 election.

The Grunch Road Monster

This Creole creature is deeply rooted in the mystic traditions of Louisiana, believes it’s time for a shift in the political landscape. “It’s high time we bring voodoo into our politics,” The Grunch Road Monster declared, channeling its ancestral knowledge. “We need a leader who embodies the spirit of the underworld and respects our cultural heritage.” Embracing the potent forces of the supernatural, The Grunch Road Monster is voting for Maman Brigitte, the Haitian spirit of death and the underworld, seeking to inject a dose of dark mysticism into the political sphere.

The Wendigo

From the frigid, remote forests of the north, the Wendigo is a mythical figure renowned for its hunger for human flesh and chilling presence. However, beneath its fearsome exterior lies a deep concern for the environment, particularly climate change. “I thrive in the cold,” the Wendigo noted. “But if the planet warms up, my icy habitat could disappear.” Motivated by a desire to preserve the cold climates it loves, the Wendigo is enthusiastically backing Skaði, the Norse goddess of winter.

The Snallygaster

This fearsome, dragon-like creature from the hills of Maryland has emerged as a fervent supporter of anti-immigration legislation. The Snallygaster has adopted a no-nonsense attitude towards border control. “Dirty Italians are flooding into our country by the millions and they need to be stopped,” it roared. “We need someone who understands the importance of securing our borders and maintaining national integrity.” The Snallygaster is casting its vote for the soul of Thomas Jefferson burning in hell for all eternity.

As these cryptids cast their votes and make their preferences known, one thing is clear: even mythical beings are deeply engaged in the political process. The question is, will these endorsements be enough to sway human voters one way or the other?

JD Vance Further Angers Nation By Claiming “Childless Tarantula Guys” Are Pretty Cool Though

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are actually kind of cool, confirmed sources who just wanted to enjoy their totally normal pet in peace without getting criticized by political leaders for once.

“If you think about it, tarantulas are exactly like babies. They’re small, delicate, and you have to feed them crickets and mealworms every three to four hours or else they’ll die. At least I think so anyway. My wife handled all that stuff with our kids, so I can’t confirm for sure,” said Senator Vance. “These childless cat ladies can stand to be a little more like the patriots who voluntarily own gargantuan spiders and keep them in a tank. In fact, that’s another way tarantulas are like kids. You have to keep them behind glass. Also, cats are just weird. The last one we had hissed at me all the time and it scratched up my beloved couch. Regardless, this nation was founded on family and tarantula values.”

US citizens felt slighted yet again from Vance’s off-putting comments.

“It’s never a good sign when a politician running for one of the highest positions in government attempts to disparage half of the voter base, unless my side does it more cleverly,” said Jennifer Maxbean without realizing she had cat litter stuck in her teeth. “Parents are always talking shit about adults who would rather have pets than children as if we’ve done something morally reprehensible. If anything, the people that keep large arachnids that won’t even sit on your lap or chase a laser pointer are the actual sociopaths. When will politicians understand that the real enemy in this country is exotic pet owners.”

Experts were quick to note similar distasteful comments in US history.

“Politicians have a tendency to belittle voters whose lifestyles vary slightly different than theirs,” said political analyst Meg Vereen. “Back when Obama was in office, he criticized creepy divorced guys who owned a bunch of snakes as pets. Honestly, he had a good point there. If you’re going to get a pet, don’t get one of the ugly, leathery, venomous ones. Nature intended us to have the cute furry ones and make them poop in a little sandbox.”

At press time, Vance doubled down on his comments by noting that childfree illegal tiger owners are also pretty badass.