Bully From Early Nineties Anti-Drug PSA Still Pushing Handfuls of Pre-Rolled Joints

Posted on by Steve Packosky

REDDING, Calif. – Former junior high bully and antagonist of a 1990 anti-drug PSA Ryan Telley is reportedly still pushing handfuls of pre-rolled joints onto random people, befuddled sources confirmed.

“I mainly hang out around strip malls and bowling alleys these days,” the now 44-year-old Telley said. “I just kinda wait for people to walk past me, at which point I completely invade their personal space with an open palm displaying three perfectly aligned joints. If the person is too much of a geek to accept one of them, I call them a chicken and start bawking at them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. I’m now well into my third decade of doing this, and I don’t think I’ll ever match the success rate I had when I was in seventh grade.”

Witness Jared Rodriguez reacted to Telley’s attempted intimidation with a mixture of surprise and confusion.

“I was about to walk into Jersey Mike’s when this middle-aged guy with spiky hair and acid washed Z Cavaricci jeans started trying to pressure me into taking a joint out of his hand. I was absolutely baffled,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, I’m not interested in smoking weed, but if I was, I could just walk down the street to the nearest dispensary. We live in a blue state, for Christ’s sake. I’m not even getting the impression that he’s charging. He just really wants other people to try marijuana for some reason.”

Sylvia Denning, Telley’s now-retired junior high principal, was saddened to hear of the continued antics of her former student.

“It’s heartbreaking to hear that Ryan hasn’t learned from the mistakes of his youth,” Denning said while sipping a tea out of her World’s Best Principal mug. “Whether it was because he was riding his Nash skateboard in the hallways or telling his teachers to ‘put a sock in it’, he used to spend entirely too much time in my office. I had been aware that he was trying to frighten the smaller children into smoking cannabis, but I never thought that behavior would continue well into his adulthood. It’s tragic, in a way.”

At press time, Telley broke down upon being questioned by a bystander, admitting that he just hasn’t been the same since actress Rachael Leigh Cook destroyed his kitchen with a frying pan.

50 Post-Hardcore Songs From the 2000s That Are Going to Look Weird When We Play Them at Full Volume in Our Nursing Homes in a Few Decades

Posted on by Bobby Korec

In life, you really have to plan for your future. That’s why we have to consider what it will look like when we are still listening to the same post-hardcore songs from the 2000s in our nursing homes in a few decades that will only seem like years because that’s just how time works now. We may even be dead by then, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves or start thinking in hypotheticals. We as a post-hardcore society are still in the 2000s as demonstrated by this list of the top tracks from that genre and decade. (Listen to the full playlist, click here)

50. Beloved “Failure On My Lips” (2003)

Beloved probably should’ve been bigger than they were in the scene. This will for sure carry over into senior living age because no one at the nursing home will have any idea who the hell you’re talking about. Things never change. Except for your physical age.

49. The Blood Brothers “Set Fire to the Face on Fire” (2006)

The Blood Brothers deployed two singers at once, both of which seem to scream frantically and with an urgency that sounds like they’re engulfed in flames. That is not relatable to typical octogenarians.

48. Aiden “I Set My Friends on Fire” (2004)

When you get older, you must prepare yourself for the idea that everyone around you will begin dying off one by one, and it might make you wonder what this whole thing was all about anyway. Well, it was about Aiden. More specifically, post-hardcore. Nothing more.

47. The Beautiful Mistake “Circular Parade” (2003)

The first 45 seconds of this song are actually pretty soothing to the ears. Unfortunately, it’ll be too low for old people to hear, so your nursing home mates will only focus on all the yelling that comes after. That’s a shame. Almost had a genuine connection with another human being.

46. As Cities Burn “Bloodsucker Pt. II” (2005)

As Cities Burn is a band of faith, as you can probably tell from all that screaming. At some point, every old person appears to become religious. Hopefully listening to this band is just as effective as going to church in order to get into heaven. If not, see you in Hell.

45. Fear Before the March of Flames “The 20th Century Was Entirely Mine” (2003)

We’re only a few songs in the list and there are already four or five references to fire, flames, and burning. One can only conclude that post-hardcore is filled with a bunch of pyromaniacs. At least that’s what the staff at your future assisted living situation will think.

44. Dead Poetic “The Dreamclub Murders” (2003)

The old folks in the nursing homes of today all went to war, raised seven children with minimal effort, and owned three homes by accident. The most responsibility you had in your prime was making sure the Dead Poetic track you downloaded from Limewire was the actual song it says it was, and not “Mambo No. 5” instead.

43. AFI “The Leaving Song Pt. II” (2003)

AFI is one of the more well-known bands on this list. Heck, even some of the normies have heard of them, which means you might have some luck if you want to make friends over the age of 75. Probably not though.

42. Drop Dead, Gorgeous “Dressed For Friend Requests” (2006) 

Telling all of your acquaintances at your future nursing home that you listen to a band called Drop Dead, Gorgeous will only freak everyone out, especially since we’ll be minutes away from dropping dead together as a facility.

41. Sparta “Cut Your Ribbon” (2002)

In your future nursing home, you’ll get three meals a day, medically related services, planned social activities, and more importantly, free reign to listen to a band known for being the other At the Drive-In spinoff. Your bones gradually deteriorating into a fine powder doesn’t sound so bad after all.

40. Story of the Year “Until the Day I Die” (2003) 

This song is called “Until the Day I Die” and the chorus keeps repeating that line, which will not go over well among your fellow assisted living brethren. Unfortunately, death-based songs hit differently in your 80s.

39. A Skylit Drive “I’m Not a Thief, I’m a Treasure Hunter” (2008)

There comes a time in every person’s life when their favorite band will be lumped into the classic rock umbrella. A Skylit Drive might even one day come on the classic rock station that plays the hits of the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, 2000s, 2010s, 2020s, 2030s, and 2040s.

38. Pierce the Veil “The Cheap Bouquet” (2006)

There are a subset of people who don’t like PTV and they’ll seemingly all be working at the senior living facility and telling you to playing anything else. Unfortunately, this is just not in the cards because you don’t know how to operate a new piece of technology since you haven’t learned anything new in decades.

37. Touché Amoré “Honest Sleep” (2009)

Approximately 150,000 people die every day globally, which means that could one day be you. Or your mom. Or all your friends you used to listen to Touché Amoré with. Why must life do this to post-hardcore fans?

36. Emery “Walls” (2004)

They say that when you’re on your deathbed, you’ll be looking back on your life and all the things you regret. Good thing you listened to Emery and other post-hardcore bands in 2004, so you regret nothing. That is how to die in peace.

35. Snapcase “Skeptic” (2003)

So you’ve made it to the ripe old age of 85. The best you can hope for is that somebody, anybody, wants to sit in a room with you and listen to Snapcase. But don’t get your hopes up. No one does. They just want you to die so they can receive their inheritance of 37 bucks (adjusted for mega inflation).

34. Bear vs. Shark “Catamaran” (2005)

Putting on any Bear vs. Shark track in your future nursing home will surely confuse the staff as their only frame of reference for music at this time will be a 60-year-old Taylor Swift. Can’t believe they still listen to the same music.

33. The Bled “You Know Who’s Seatbelt” (2007)

Sure, you’ll be the only one in the nursing home cafeteria dangling your carabiner keychain from your belt loop and you’ll be the only person within a 50-mile radius who listens to the Bled, but that just means you’ll be mistaken for the on-premises janitor. There are worse fates.

32. La Dispute “Future Wars” (2006)

La Dispute will almost certainly frighten the staff at your nursing home. They’ll tell you to turn it down or else you won’t get fruit cup for dessert. You’ve come too far in life to have to choose between post-hardcore and citrus.

31. mewithoutYou “Gentleman” (2002)

The singer of mwY tends to over-enunciate so you can decipher every single lyric clearly, which is actually perfect for when you’re old and can’t hear anything anymore. This band is always thinking ahead for you.

30. Cursive “Some Red-Handed Sleight of Hand” (2003)

Post-hardcore is not easily definable, but it’s kind of like a mix of hardcore punk and whatever Cursive is doing on this album. Good thing you’ll never be asked to define it at your future nursing home because no one gives a crap about old peoples’ thoughts. Not even other old people.

29. The Used “A Box Full of Sharp Objects” (2002)

The Used was oftentimes lumped into the screamo bracket despite this album being produced by the singer of Goldfinger. That makes the Used a ska band by proxy. But also post-hardcore. And screamo. This band is confusing.

28. From Autumn to Ashes “Daylight Slaving” (2007)

FATA needs to take a good hard look in the mirror because they haven’t released an album since 2007 with this one. If they aren’t careful, they’ll never write one again, leaving future 80 year olds with a lack of music to listen to. Think of the seniors, guys.

27. Circa Survive “Act Appalled” (2005)

Let’s see, your nursing home has a book club, craft night, and a painting class on Wednesdays. No events about post-hardcore or even Anthony Green-related bands. This can’t be how your life ends.

26. A Static Lullaby “The Art of Sharing Lovers” (2006)

When you are old, decrepit, and must rely on others to get by, that’s when your family will abandon you and shove you into a nursing home in hopes you’ll just figure it out. A Static Lullaby will now be your only family.

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Trump Regales Conservative Media Outlets With Charming Anecdote About Time He Got Five Innocent Men Arrested In Central Park

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump charmed conservative podcast host Grant Victoria with a story about the time he helped five innocent men get arrested on rape charges and then called for them to get the death penalty.

“I actually helped make Central Park the best park in New York, before I came around there were pickpockets and thugs. But I helped clean it up and there hasn’t been a single crime there since I intervened, not one, not even jaywalking. Nothing,” said Trump. “There were these five guys, real bad dudes. They did some real bad stuff, things I’d never think of doing. I love all women, and let’s face it, they love me. Because of my detective work they get arrested, I take out a beautiful full-page ad saying we need to give them all the death penalty. Everyone says it was a great ad. Maybe the best of all time. Then radical leftist scientists completely make up something called DNA evidence that exonerated these men and the soft-on-crime Democrats actually let them out of prison. I’ve been afraid for my life every day since they got out.”

One of the nation’s few undecided voters, Benjamin Morley, was disturbed by Trump’s retelling of the story.

“I’ve seen a few documentaries about the Central Park 5 and it’s such a disgusting miscarriage of justice that shows how racist and broken our criminal justice system is, the fact Trump is bragging about it makes me sick,” said Morley. “But at the same time, I do think Trump has some good ideas about ending taxes on tips. I used to work at a Starbucks so I know the pain. This is a really tough choice for me. I’m going to have to see how the next 90 days go, if Trump doesn’t call for the extermination of any innocent people then I’m leaning his way.”

Former New York defense attorney Lucy Alvarez says that Trump’s retelling of the story is a farce.

“Trump actually had nothing to do with the arrest of the Central Park 5, they were brought in after getting caught ‘wilding’ and the cops pinned the crime on them. Trump makes it seem like he dusted for prints and acted like Columbo in order to bring those boys in,” said Alvarez. “All he did was stir up racial tensions and lick the boots of every NYPD officer. So really not much has changed with him. He’s using the same tactics he did 40 years ago and people are still falling for it.”

At press time, Trump also claimed he briefly dated Rachel Greene, a waitress who worked at Central Perk.

Buckle Up: Stadium Organist Just Launched Into Rendition of “Sister Ray”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Mets fans were encouraged to “strap in” this past weekend when the stadium organist treated them to an impromptu and seemingly endless rendition of the Velvet Underground’s “Sister Ray,” sources bobbing their head to the throbbing beat confirmed.

“A fella can only play ‘Meet the Mets’ and ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ so many times before he starts to go a little psycho. I had to switch up the setlist or else my head’d explode,” said Citi Field organist Gannon LeCarrie. “As far as I’m concerned, the Velvets are as big a New York institution as the team is, so why not combine ‘em? And, hell, if it takes me an extra 18 minutes behind the keyboard to do it, who gives a shit? You ever actually try and watch a baseball game? An epic-length proto-punk classic isn’t ruining a damn thing. Play ball.”

Members of the team were startled at the positive reaction the song garnered from the bleachers.

“At first, I was a little confused at the intense way the crowd was all chanting about ‘stained carpets’ and ‘sucking on ding dongs,’ I’ll be honest. Especially when they got to the part about ‘not hitting it sideways’ which I felt was a dig at our batting capabilities,” said starting Mets shortstop Francisco Lindor, as he iced his knees. “But, the more I thought about it, anything getting the stands excited about the game is a good thing, I guess. I don’t know who this Sister Ray is, or what’s getting ‘whipped’ on, but one thing’s for sure: that chugging-ass riff will be stuck in my head for days.”

Longtime Mets mascot Mr. Met reminisced about his early friendship with the song’s composers.

“Boy, this brings me back. I was hanging out with Lou, Cale, Mo…the whole gang back at the Factory in the ‘60s. Warhol brought me into his studio when I was just a struggling mascot trying to pick up sporting goods store gigs. I’ll never forget, he said I had ‘a head destined for the canvas,’” said the famous mascot between cavorting-for-the-crowd sessions. “I was actually there for the recording of this track, and, I’ve never told anyone this, but, on minutes 8 through 9, my head is being used as the floor tom after it got knocked over and rolled too far away to get back in place. I still have the indents in my temple to remember it by.”

Emboldened by the support over his experimentalism, LeCarrie was seen prepping a performance of Steve Reich’s “Four Organs” for the seventh inning stretch.

How To Accept That Your Previous Rock Bottom Is Very Much the New Baseline

Posted on by Alec Walker

Are you someone who thinks your life can’t get any worse? Did you hijack a parade float and drive it 120 on the highway, then do it again the moment you posted bail? Me neither, unless a jury of my peers says otherwise.

Don’t change your behavior, change your mindset. Life becomes much simpler once you realize this is just who you are, which is why I’m at a payphone dictating this article to my parole officer to tell you how to accept your new life as a bottom feeder.

Tip #1 – Refuse any help offered to you

It doesn’t matter if they’re offering to pay for a state-of-the-art rehab facility and have an easy, fake job lined up for you at your uncle’s dealership afterward. Be more defensive and furious the more sincere an offer is. You can’t accept your new low-life status if you’re always trying to get better! Also, trying is a lame activity for finance bros and mothers. Watch Family Guy now, be introspective later (a.k.a. never.)

Tip #2 – Scream at families walking past you on the street

You’re garbage, and you know that now. But do other people know that? Being open about your worthlessness will work wonders to help you accept yourself as a cave-dwelling reprobate. Get right up in a middle-class family’s face and show those kids you aren’t ashamed of your failures, or the fact that your testicles are poking through a hole in your dumpster-dived True Religion jeans!

Tip #3 – Fully deck out a 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse

Having something to work on can take your mind off the many, many horrors in your life. There’s no better way to distract yourself while also signaling to everyone around you that you’ve accepted mediocrity than to put a spoiler on a car with flat tires and no hubcaps. Stare at the flame decals and be proud that they’re only a little crooked. Soak in its pathetic beauty before it’s inevitably stolen by an equally depraved lunatic or repossessed.

Tip #4 – Lower your expectations

Your parents always wanted you to become a doctor or a lawyer. That’s a high standard bound to end in disappointment, so set the expectation that you’ll wind up beneath an underpass sniffing around for some stray cat nookie! That way, it won’t feel so bad when all that ends up happening is you jerk it to a half-eaten Pizza Hut signature pan pizza because the wastefulness creates the fantasy of opulence in your perverted little mind.

Tip #5 – Pay me fifty dollars right now

Lastly, the best, most effective, foolproof, airtight strategy to become content with your pathetic circumstances is by going on Venmo and sending me fifty dollars. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Trust the process. Do you want my advice to work or not? Exactly. So, send me a crisp, digital Ulysses S. Grant, and you’ll be cool or hot or rich or whatever I said earlier.

There you have it! The perfect five step plan. Oh, by the way, my Venmo is LmaooooYouJustGotSwindledDumbass

Ancestry Report Reveals Henry Rollins Over 20% Thwomp

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A recent ancestry report revealed that a small portion of hardcore legend Henry Rollins’ DNA could be traced back to a species of permanently angry, spike-encrusted stone creatures known as Thwomps, several Koopa Troopa sources report.

“Given their primal urge to constantly want to squash things, their signature scowl, and rock-hard body, I can’t say that I’m completely surprised by this revelation,” Rollins explained while looking at a Google image of a Thwomp in between checking himself out in the mirror to see the resemblance. “All those years in the early scene when I would drop my head directly onto people and crush them to death just as they were approaching me, it all makes sense now. I can completely relate to their DIY smashing ethics.”

A Thwomp who has been living in the Mushroom Kingdom since the early days says he’s thrilled to share some heritage with the hardcore legend.

“This kingdom used to have a pretty lively hardcore scene back in the day before they built that one Whole Foods that ruined everything. Me and some other Thwomps used to play in a band here called Speed Run and we were heavily influenced by the southern California hardcore scene in the ‘80s,” the cube-shaped spiked rock explained. “I haven’t played music in a couple years, but it would be sick if Henry came to visit Bowser’s Castle and we can jam or just pulverize shit in our immediate vicinity. That would rule.”

Host of the PBS show “Finding Your Roots” Louis Gates Jr. has come across several musicians who were surprised to share links to some video game characters.

“Shockingly, punk and hardcore musicians almost always share at least a small amount of DNA with characters from classic video games,” Gates Jr. said. “When we traced Harley Flanagan’s ancestry, it turns out he’s nearly 100% Battletoad. He was so thrilled that he tried fighting our entire production crew because of it! Also, the singer from Harm’s Way’s lineage traces back to the blond guy from ‘Contra.’ That’s why he’s so proficient at wielding an assault rifle on stage and being muscley as hell. You just never know what an ancestry report may uncover.”

At press time, Rollins was already planning a speaking event inside Bowser’s castle, which a Thwomp instantly regretted organizing after hearing some of his spoken word albums.

RFK Jr. Reminds Voters He Also Keeps a Monkey With a Handgun on His Nightstand For Self Defense If They Wanna Hear About That

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-defense if they’re interested in that story since they seemed to love the one about dumping a bear carcass in Central Park, confused sources confirmed.

“So there I was in the Amazon rainforest when I saw the most virile monkey I had ever seen, this thing had such a huge penis and he was playing with it like it was a guitar. I knew I had to adopt it as my bodyguard and valet. I traded this shrunken head I had plundered from a tomb for the monkey and trained him in the art of marksmanship and Filipino stick fighting. Ever since that day, RFK Jr. Jr. has watched over me, vigilantly perched on my nightstand,” said Kennedy Jr., handing the monkey a box of bullets. “Night after night, the political establishment sends their deep state assassins to silence me, but RFK Jr. Jr. is always there to protect me. Anyways, that’s why we must expand 2nd amendment rights to all New World primates as well. Hey let me get an apple, you gotta see him shoot it off the top of my head!”

Local school teacher Paula Clarke was reportedly confused why the Presidential hopeful thought that was an appropriate story to tell to her 4th grade class.

“When his campaign manager said he wanted to visit the school and speak to my students I thought he was going to talk about what a President does, not tell them about how his monkey once bit the testicles off a Laotian drug lord over gambling debts,” said Clarke, consoling a crying student. “And I don’t care if it was ‘in self defense’, I’ve been getting calls all day from parents who say their kids are afraid that RFK Jr. Jr. is going to shoot their family and eat their faces while they’re sleeping!”

RFK Jr. supporter Ned Blomkvist says his support for the presidential hopeful is growing with each bizarre anecdote he tells.

“This is why this country needs a bold leader like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he’s the only candidate out there with the balls to tackle the issues that no one else will, like monkey armament and ghost suffrage,” said Blomkvist, shouting into a megaphone. “And of course both sides of the political aisle are rushing to misrepresent this inspiring story for their own gain. You say he illegally smuggled a monkey out of the Amazon and trained it to shoot a gun, I say he’s well-traveled, is a 2nd amendment advocate, and an equal opportunity job creator. Personally, I think it’s pretty damning that Vice President Harris has yet to appoint a single exotic animal to a campaign position.”

Not to be one-upped, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he has imported a collection of rare monkeys and will display them as soon as they’re plated in gold.

City Builds Statue of Homeless Man Sleeping On Bench to Keep Homeless From Sleeping on Bench

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

AUSTIN, Texas — The Austin city government placed a bronze statue of a homeless man sleeping on a bench in an effort to raise awareness about the housing crisis and keep unhoused people from sleeping on the bench, confirmed baffled sources.

“These monuments depict the struggle of homelessness and serve as a reminder that we’ve got people out here sleeping on the streets. Just not this bench, on this particular street, because I happen to live right next to this park and I use this bench to play Wordle when my wife is being mean to me. It’s my escape,” said Alderperson Quincy Douglas “We’re also outlawing panhandling and providing QR codes that people can donate to help the homeless. All donations will go through the proper bureaucratic channels, be taxed as income, and ensure efficient delivery of funds directly benefiting the unhoused, like hiring more police.”

Local congregations applauded the city’s action, with some clergymen promising to match the efforts.

“We think this statue is a beautiful gesture and we love it so much that we’re going to do a similar dedication with the church steps,” said Pastor Walter Moss. “Our plan is to add dedicative spikes on the church steps to symbolize how hard and painful it is to experience homelessness. We’re also hosting a barbeque to raise awareness for the issue. Proceeds from each rack of ribs sold will go directly to the church so that we can more effectively make people aware that there are people that are homeless.”

Local citizens were convinced they were also helping the unhoused community.

“I do my part by using people-first language and donating money to the artist that creates the statue to raise awareness,” said concerned citizen Kyle Grey. “Another thing I like to do is film myself going around town and giving iPads to people living in their cars or encampments. I pretend that I’m homeless myself and I ask them for money. When they try to help, I say ‘psych’ and I give them an iPad. That’s really got my TikTok popping off and I’m hoping to transition to world travel videos in undeveloped nations soon. You know, do the same thing in like, Mozambique.”

At press time, the city announced plans to build a memorial iron tent city under the bridge to commemorate the people that lived there prior to the police’s sweep.

How I Pioneered a New Genre by Being Bad at Playing My Favorite Genre

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I can remember hearing “Revolver” for the first time. I stole my dad’s guitar off the wall and tried to play along. He walked by and asked, “Is that The Monkees?” I’ve always wanted to play like my heroes. I just never could.

I started my first band in middle school. All we wanted to do was play sick Clapton licks. And we kind of did—at quarter speed. I figured I’d speed it up eventually, but by the time our first show arrived, still no luck. Instead, we just cranked our gain to ten so no one could tell what we were playing. As a slow, sludgy sound rang through the room, not a soul knew it was a cover. Not even a young Tony Iommi who stood in the back, wide-eyed.

I played in dozens of rock bands in the decades to follow but eventually, I moved on to a jazz quartet. I should have known four arrhythmic white guys wasn’t a great idea. Every practice was a cacophony of random time signatures and abrupt tempo changes. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I started screaming over the noise. As I shouted, a man wandered by our space. “What do you call this new sound?” he asked. I didn’t have an answer. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard. Can you even count to four? You had math in your core curriculum, right? Hey, that’s got a ring to it. Anyway, my name’s Marvin.” He rushed to a payphone to call his cousin Chuck Dillinger to tell him about this ‘mathcore.’

We had a good run, but I got tired of failing so publicly. Eventually, I gave up bands altogether and began my ambient solo career. I figured my first show would be easy—just play MP3s from my laptop. What could go wrong? I plugged in my MacBook, but I couldn’t stop it from buzzing through the sound system. As the volume went up, I froze as the harsh wall of noise washed over the audience. I just wanted to hide my face. And yet, somehow people liked it. So they just kept booking me.

It’s still embarrassing, so I’ve started wearing a bag over my head. Even the audience started doing it too. You’d think eventually I’d figure out the USB cables, but no luck yet. At least ticket sales aren’t bad.

Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking Mugshot

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest late Saturday night, police records report.

“It’s not every day you get a professional photo taken that’s going to be plastered all over the newspapers. Every time I was arrested before this I was either shirtless or my shirt got shredded in the scuffle,” said Reynolds, brushing out his long hair in the cramped police station’s booking area. “This time I am going to make it count. I want to showcase my real self and make sure my mugshot screams ‘metal’ and not some poser that got arrested for tax evasion or some shit. After all, how often do you get a chance to immortalize yourself in the pages of history with your favorite band shirt?!”

Sargent Rick Copeland, Reynolds’ arresting officer, remarked on the peculiar request.

“Honestly, I’ve never seen someone so excited about getting their mugshot and I live in Florida,” Copeland said after driving Reynolds to his apartment to retrieve the shirt. “He kept talking about how Morbid Angel might see the photo and be impressed. We actually indulged him because this was his third strike, so he won’t be getting another mugshot taken for quite some time. But now he’s taking forever because he can’t decide between his ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album shirt or his ‘American Heretic’ Tour shirt.”

Dr. Ellen Fairfax, a fashion expert and connoisseur of personal expression, weighed in on the importance of incorporating personality into one’s attire.

“It’s crucial to infuse your fashion choices with your personality, especially when others will be scrutinizing the outcome – no matter how dire the situation,” Dr. Fairfax explained. “Everyone remembers David Bowie’s glamorously chic mugshot from 1976, no one even remembers why he was arrested. Reynolds’ decision to rock a Morbid Angel shirt in his mugshot is a bold statement. In the realm of personal branding, even a mugshot can be an opportunity to express yourself.”

As of press time, Reynolds had managed to sneak his beloved Morbid Angel shirt into prison and now wears it under his orange coveralls.