SETSONVILLE, Md. â A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to afford their rents, sources wearing perfectly tailored flannel confirmed.
âItâs appalling how the little guy is always getting priced out. Iâve been a part of this neighborhood ever since the second half of the Obama administration, and Iâll be damned if I have to leave now,â proclaimed Gerry Hawksworth, owner of Twisted Taint Brewing Co. âI started this microbrewery with nothing more than my own two wealthy investors. What of them now? Even for those moneybags this new rent is exorbitant. The community really needs to rally around us as a cultural institution or else residents will be living in a trivia night desert.â
Gentrifier Mal Whiteman defended his right to live anywhere he damn well pleases.
âI donât see why these pesky poors are so up in arms. Frankly, Iâm providing a service by raising the value of every property in this neighborhood beyond a reasonable threshold,â explained Whiteman. âThereâs too many so-called microbreweries around here anyway. Wouldnât it be so much nicer if we replaced some or all of them with hard kombucha distilleries instead? Doesnât matter, because Iâm doing it anyway. And you can bet those little bottles will be $15 a pop.â
Despite growing concerns from the community about the forthcoming gentrification, political officials expressed opinions ranging from apathy to having their eyes turn into big cartoon dollar signs.
âI donât give half a dog dammit if this city has historic microbreweries or unhistoric AA meeting centers as long as they pay whatever property tax we decide to throw at them this year,â said Mayor Klement Johnson, reading from a prepared statement earlier today. âBack when that first wave of rich goons decided to move in here because they thought these buildings had âgood bonesâ or whatever, I thought we couldnât fly much higher than this. But if this new crop is gonna outprice the guys who think paying $14 for a weak IPA is a good deal, well, all I can say is âcha-ching!ââ
At press time, microbreweries from the area united to fight housing inflation while also refusing their employees the right to unionize.
Youâd think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years wouldâve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyoneâs radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely itâs because Dave Smalley came out with his âGonzo Conservative Punkâ ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans donât really want to hear about politics and they definitely donât want to hear how supply-side economics is âactually really punk when you think about it.â
This is basically âCan I Sayâ originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. Iâm probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like âCan I Sayâ youâll like this but itâs just not the same with Shawnâs vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.
Remember on âThe Simpsonsâ when Milhouseâs dad got divorced and recorded a demo song âCan I Borrow A Feelingâ? There are moments on âField Dayâ that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. Itâs like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didnât want to wake their parents in the next room.
Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on âField Dayâ and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early â90s snowboard videos.
The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and âThe Godfatherâ sounds like the soundtrack to an â80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in âMario Brothersâ with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isnât the clean-living flex you think it is.
You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits âStart Todayâ and âCan I Say.â Travis Barker has âCan I Sayâ tattooed on his chest and not âStart Todayâ so Iâm not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalleyâs earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalleyâs âI walked by you on the street the other dayâ monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.
Rankings are a tough racket, one album had to be listed in the brown stinker spot in this piece, and The Vinesâ fourth album âMelodia.â Maybe weâd dig this full-length studio release more, and we must mention on record that we still do enjoy every album from The Vines, if it went with its original title, âBraindead,â but that also possibly is as false as the night. An interesting thing to mention is that the record often sounds ADD in that only one song, âTrue as the Nightâ is longer than three minutes, and that twelve out of the albumâs fourteen songs are under two minutes and thirty seconds, and four are even under two minutes.
After two perfect by any stretch of your lack of imagination back to back LPs, The Vines found themselves in a difficult position for album number three, and released âVision Valley,â which, again, like all The Vines records, is good, but unlike its predecessors, just isnât great. A parable that we ascribe to is that good is the enemy of great, and even if you donât agree. Also, a band in 2024 could NEVER have a song called âFuturetarded,â or they would be canceled and there would be online discussions about who can and canât use that word. Today vocalist and chief songwriter Craig Nicholls is the only consistent member of The Vines, and âVision Valleyâ started the leaving member trend with bassist Patrick Matthews exiting shortly before this one.
The bandâs newest and seventh full-length studio album, âIn Miracle Landâ is not only NOT The Vinesâ lowest ranked LP here, but it is also not in the second lowest slot, proving that what is new isnât necessarily that bad. Surprise surprise with a newly mended heart? Yessir and yesmadam! Basically, we just LOVE the sound, and hate is a strong word but we really, really, really donât like you. Also, âIn Miracle Landâ is the first to be mentioned that is somewhere between good and great, proving that this band not only is capable of creating works with a lot of killer and little filler. Why the title track is the only single here plagues our brain, as the record should have had at least two others, but thatâs just showbiz! In closing, this album cover would be delightful as framed wall art for your overpriced studio apartment.
Missing the medal position by just a smidge, âFuture Primitiveâ is still a more than solid release front to back, and was expertly and pristinely recorded by The Bumblebeezâ Chris Calonna, whose band you may not have heard of, but is quite successful down unda. If you have, we apologize for said blunder and promise to do it again soon. Anyway, especially considering that this is the bandâs fifth LP, âFuture Primitiveâ showcased that the bandâs past dictated their future, and said future is the antithesis of primitive, and quite, wait for it, wait for it, (highly) evolved. In a badass move, the band was unsigned prior to 2011, self funded this badass release, and ultimately signed with Sony Music Australia, who ultimately released âFuture Primitiveâ. So read on for something wicked, winning, and evolved.
You may not be able to recall any song from this record off the top of your metallic ladybug noggin, and anything you say proves it, but, like many songs in the modern age, you likely may have listened to some tracks passively on various hard/alt-rock DSP curated playlists. Well, still many Australians in fact do recall many tunes from this 2014 effort, and the Thunder Down Under Aussie fans likely account for the majority of the publicly viewed successful streams from âWicked Nature,â and not Chris Isaakâs âWicked Game.â It is worth mentioning that shockingly to domestic diehards and casual fans, out of the top ten listed popular tracks from The Vines, FIVE, yes five, are from âWicked Natureâ. The band certainly had faith in this record as well, certainly their best since 2004, as it was released under their own label, the appropriately named Wicked Nature Music.
One of the more underrated Capitol Records LPs, at least from this century, âWinning Days,â is a proper sequel in that it truly sounds more expensive and certainly huger than its incredible predecessor, whilst not reinventing the wheels in too many ways that it successfully rode towards success the first time. Sadly, another way that it is a sophomore record is that its sales waned in comparison to and respect to the bandâs debut full-length album. Fun fact: This recordâs catchy opening track and second single âRideâ was featured in an Apple commercial in the mid-aughts. Fun opinion: Maybe this tune should have been the first single, as the label opted for the albumâs closer âF.T.W.â instead, which stands for what you think it does and couldnât be a hit because of its moniker. In closing, this album and the next mention have no âskip itâ tracks.
The word âtheâ was used in 2002 before a plural noun in a band name almost as many times as George W. Bush avoided doing anything presidential whilst he golfed eighteen holes or more with Dick Cheney. âHighly Evolvedâ is a perfect record and certainly one of the more underrated aughts rock efforts, thatâs for sure! Despite going platinum in their native Australia and gold in the U S and A, we rarely hear this band or album name checked in the concrete jungle one-millionth as much as we should, and that doesnât make us come in, come in, come in. Producer Rob Schnapf, whose last name likely gets mispronounced often, killed it here, much like he did for Saves the Dayâs âIn Reverieâ and several Elliott Smith LPs.
