Where Are They Now? Those Bouncers That Told Me I Was Too Drunk To Come In but I Ran Past Them Anyway

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Life can go by in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re rolling up to the bar with your crew, boasting about all the Jameson you drank while pretending to WFH, and the next you’re being placed in a chokehold and barred from going inside by a bunch of fascists who say you’re “out of control”.

That’s what happened to me recently when a few bouncers from “The Drunk Skunk” decided to redirect their unhappy childhood rage onto me, just because of my incoherent and belligerent state. Luckily for me, I don’t take the word “no” for an answer and was able to get past their blockade after distracting them with a well-timed faux epileptic fit that I’m famous for.

So now that I’m hiding in this bathroom stall until the coast is clear, let’s take a look back and ask: where are these goons now?

Bouncer Who Looked Like Vin Diesel
He was the first to suspect that I might have had a wee bit too much to drink after he caught me pounding back cans of hard cider outside. He had a great sense of humor too, asking me how I “liked them apples” as he socked me in the breadbasket after I playfully asked him how his wife felt being married to a limp-dick loser. Looks like he’s headed outside, I’m clear.

Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was alright. He eventually convinced the other guys that maybe I was having a real seizure and that they needed to stop wailing on me and call an ambulance, which was the opportunity I needed to run the fuck past them. Thanks for the compassion, sucker! He’s nowhere near the bar so I think I’m okay for a refill.

Brother of Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was pretty forgettable other than being the younger brother of Ponytail guy, something I overheard them mention as I relieved myself by the front entrance. To be honest, I don’t really care where he is today. There’s only one thing I hate more than bouncers, and that’s nepo baby bouncers. Plus, I’m pretty sure his fists did the most damage to my face.

Cop Looking for Me in this Bathroom
Where is this guy now? Seriously, I need to know. He just came in a few minutes ago twirling his baton with bad intentions. If you know where he is, can you please just whisper it through the gap of this stall so I can make another run for it?

Warhammer 40K Meetup Surprisingly Uninterested in Custom Bolt Thrower Playlist

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CINCINNATI — Bolt Thrower fan Harold Rodriguez was disappointed in the reaction to his custom playlist by fellow members of his Warhammer 40K meetup, sources report.

“I don’t get it, dude,” Rodriguez mentioned while dejectedly mustering his army of Space Marines. “I joined this group just assuming that this was also a Bolt Thrower meetup by default, but they are clearly not receptive at all to this sick-ass playlist I put together from their first three albums. I was hoping that iconic riff from the beginning of ‘What Dwells Within’ would get their heads banging, but Scott actually got up and turned down the volume on my Apple HomePod. Does this mean I actually have to focus on the game now? It’s actually kind of boring, and not nearly as cool as Bolt Thrower makes it out to be.”

Fellow Warhammer 40K player Jerome Sager was not happy about the unrequested musical addition to the game.

“This is the third time this has happened this month,” Sager sighed. “I’m trying to get my Adeptus Custodes into unit coherency, and this dude is playing music that sounds like the literal apocalypse. I’m not huge into music, but if I want to listen to something while playing, Chevelle or Breaking Benjamin is about as heavy as I get. It’s gotten to the point where I consider walking out when I see some new guy with long-hair and a black shirt come in, because I know it’s coming. The last guy almost got us kicked out of this Panera Bread, and it looks like it might happen again. I can already see some customers giving us dirty looks.”

Sociologist Stephanie Tanaka weighed in on the situation.

“There is often a disconnect between fanbases of extreme metal and the sources of many of its themes,” Tanaka offered. “It’s not uncommon for a fan of black metal to assume that other members of their fantasy book groups listen to Gorgoroth, and I’ve conducted several case studies of people mistakenly playing technical death metal at science fiction conventions. I actually wrote my dissertation on the pervasiveness of Mortician in the playlists of horror expo DJs. Metalheads would benefit from being a bit more unassuming in their social activities.”

At press time, Rodriguez had left the meetup, and was bringing his new Carcass playlist to his MCAT study group.

Lead Singer Feels No Need to Tell Crowd He Can’t Hear Them After They Do A Legitimately Good Job Screaming The First Time

Posted on by Stephen Bell

JACKSONVILLE – Lead singer of the alt-rock band Up Above declined to tell the audience he couldn’t hear them as they legitimately did a very good job of screaming the first time they were prompted to do so, sources report.

“I pride myself on being an honest person,” said lead singer Kevin Barret. “Which is why when I heard the crowd scream their cacophonous asses off when I asked them ‘are you ready to rock,’ I knew I couldn’t follow up with the stereotypical ‘I can’t hear you.’ I could hear them—very clearly, in fact. They were legitimately loud as hell, it startled me. It would have felt like cruel gaslighting to try and tell them that I couldn’t and I don’t want them to question their sanity. If I had lied to them then I’d be no better than Dave Grohl lying to his wife.”

Excited concertgoers were legitimately proud of what they had achieved that night.

“I have been to dozens of their shows, and the lead singer will always say they can’t hear us,” said longtime fan Erika Strauss. “But it happened. We finally screamed loud enough for them to not tell us to scream again. Every frontman will patronize the crowd by telling them they’re the best damn crowd in the world, except this time, I think we really were. All my hard work finally paid off. I’ve been screaming in my office bathroom for weeks on my lunchbreak to prepare for this. All the meetings with HR telling me to stop because I’m scaring people were worth it.”

The sound operator for the show said that they are pumped to have gotten a recording, because they don’t think they’ll ever get a better crowd noise sample.

“Everyone knows the Wilhelm scream as a famous audio clip that gets used in many movies and TV shows,” said sound operator David Chan. “Well, I can’t wait until I upload this crowd noise online because it will become the standard. This will be the sample played during epic battles in films. This will be the clip that football teams pipe into their stadiums when the Patriots try to cheat. This noise will be the noise cops use to scare away homeless people from their encampments. That’s how ear-splittingly loud this crowd was.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Barret was no longer able to hear the crowd as they had ruptured his now profusely bleeding eardrums.

Opinion: If I Had to Trade My Sobriety for One Thing, I Think It Would Be the Ability To Get as Fucked up as Humanly Possible Whenever I Felt Like It All the Time

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You know what the worst part about being sober is? I’ll let you guess. Okay, answer time: the fact that I can’t get rip-roaring drunk whenever I want, which is all the time. But here’s the thing: AA says that even if you haven’t drank for five or 10 years, you’re still an alcoholic. So if we’re resorting to name-calling, then I may as well look the part, right? I’m still going to wear my bathrobe everywhere and scream at my roommates when they’re getting ready for work in the morning for disturbing my slumber.

Whenever somebody refers to me as a “dry drunk,” it’s just their way of calling me an asshole, which is pretty on the nose. But at least back in my drinking days, I had an excuse for my reprehensible behavior. “Sorry, I just got so hammered” was such a banger line that would temporarily get me out of trouble until I displayed the same exact behavior, without fail, just a few days later. But these days, when I promise to drive my friend to the airport and bail at the last minute because a new episode of The Penguin came out, and I also had no intention of driving them in the first place, suddenly I’m pushing things too far.

Speaking of driving, next time somebody asks me if I want a soda for the road, I’m going to punch them in the throat. Let me be very clear here– “road sodas” aren’t the same when you’re sober. Apparently you’re being offered an actual fucking can of soda. There’s 46 grams of sugar and a healthy dose of Red 40 in a can of Mountain Dew Code Red. Are you kidding me? If I’m going to poison myself for the love of the game, then there has to be an upside.

What, are you going to tell me that there’s a timeless thrill to pounding seven Diet Cokes and getting behind the wheel? I can assure you that until you get pulled over, hop out of the car, throw the keys into the marsh, and pound a pint of vodka before a field sobriety test can be administered with skewed numbers because they can’t tell for certain whether you were drinking before the altercation, you’ll never know the true, unbridled joy that comes with pounding road sodas with reckless abandon like a boss.

But perhaps the worst part about sobriety is the feeling of feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a mushy and sentimental guy… I’m talking about literal physical pain. Sure, there’s the emotional pain of being dumped by your girlfriend for making yet another scene at her family reunion (I pissed on the charcuterie board), but even worse, I can’t do a backflip off the deck into the bushes as a party trick without being down for the count for at least a week. Offer me all the LaCroix and Spindrift you want, but you’re not going to see any more cool stunts because the “government” says I’m “a danger to myself and others” when I get shitfaced, and I have the ankle bracelet to prove it.

Local Punk Secretly Livid His Appearance Doesn’t Shock Anyone

Posted on by Evan Vest

MILWAUKEE — Local punk Noah Vickens harbored resentment against people who don’t bat an eye at his appearance, confirmed sources who shrugged their shoulders as he walked by.

“Well, it’s kinda bullshit if I can be real with you,” said Vickens while smoking cigarettes in the parking lot of a local library. “When I was 17, I got the full spectrum of reactions. Disgusted looks, staring, bus drivers sadly shaking their heads when I would board. Now I’m 27 and I am lucky if I get someone to do a double-take, let alone a spit take. I would have never taken the time to learn how to sew on this Leftöver Crack back patch if I knew that one day strangers would stop coming up to ask for tips on hemming and backstitching. I am so much more than my crocheting skills. For instance, I also wear a wallet chain.”

Community members admit they barely even notice Vickens out in public.

“I first noticed it last week at this Kwik-Stop,” said friend Marky Tailwater. “We went to get cigarettes after scraping together change we found on the floor of my car. He walked in with his mohawk, tattoos, and piercings, and he had this big smirk on his face like he was expecting the clerk to call the cops. Instead, the guy behind the counter just said ‘Hey guys’ and continued checking their phone. Noah was so pissed that he left in a huff, and we had to try again at a different convenience store. I think he’s getting irritated that his public presence doesn’t have the same shock value as it did in like, 1994.”

Local Librarian Alicia Crusyn had her own view on the situation.

“I’ve known Noah since he was very young, and it’s been a joy to watch him grow,” said Crusyn while making her alphabetizing rounds. “He comes in very frequently to use the computers and has also rented all of the ‘Decline of Western Civilization’ DVDs several times. He’s a wonderful, polite young person whose unique sense of style is always welcome at our public library. My only wish is that he would tell me where he got those cool studs for his jacket. I really want to bedazzle my outerwear too.”

At press time, Vickens finally got the shocked reactions he sought after by appearing at a local punk show while wearing a clean-collared shirt.

Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

JERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family members and political allies who desperately wanted alternative entertainment options, sources who heard weary sighs from the Prime Minister’s residence confirmed.

“We can’t even get through a single game of Risk anymore,” said IDF commander Herzi Halevi, while stress-eating from a bowl of confiscated UNRWA rice. “Last time we tried, Bibi spent forty-five minutes arguing that the borders on the game board were ‘historically inaccurate propaganda.’ Then he pulled out a Sharpie and started redrawing territory lines until the board was completely unusable. We had to throw it away when he started claiming the Mediterranean coastline was all ‘contested waters’ and drew a security buffer zone through Egypt. Multiple Risk sessions ended with him immediately retreating his pieces to the American continent, despite repeated explanations that the U.S. cannot actually veto other player’s turns.”

Netanyahu’s enthusiasm reached its peak during the fourth round when he revealed what he considered a masterful strategic move.

“Everyone expected me to play the ‘Forced displacement’ card – such predictable thinking,” Netanyahu declared while adjusting his reading glasses and grinning. “I’ve been holding onto ‘Starvation as a method of warfare’ since the first hand. When you play it during the humanitarian aid round, it’s worth triple points. The key is timing! These amateurs always go for the obvious moves, but the subtle approach of restricting basic necessities is how you rack up points. It’s all about the long game.”

Rian Draper, creator of the controversial board game, announced an upcoming expansion pack with historical themes.

“We’re excited to release our ‘Oops! All War Crimes’ bonus cards for the holiday season,” Draper explained. “It features classic additions like ‘Smallpox Blankets,’ ‘Agent Orange,’ and ‘Belgian Congo Rubber Quotas.’ Players can also look forward to our new ‘Plausible Deniability’ mechanic where you can claim your war crimes were actually just military necessities. The expansion even includes updated terms like ‘International Guidelines’ instead of the outdated ‘International Law.’”

At press time, Netanyahu was seen taking copious amounts of notes while watching the film, “Get Hard.”

Quiz: Have You Stumbled Into the Depths of Hell, or Are You Just at a Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s strange how some situations can mirror others almost exactly. For example, a tennis match can look indecipherable from a pickleball match to an outsider. A city council meeting can easily be misconstrued as a school board meeting, and we’d be hard-pressed to tell you the difference between a symphony and an orchestra. It’s a good idea for all of us to prepare ourselves for these situations so we can properly identify what we’ve walked into. As such, let’s take this time to test our knowledge with a little quiz.

Try to identify which of these situations are describing the depths of hell or a Luke Bryan concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts!

1.)    Question: You traverse a parking lot filled with Ford F150s bespeckled with Blue Lives Matter and FJB bumper stickers to enter an arena, only to have your ears assaulted with song lyrics that make Jimmy Buffett sound like Elliott Smith.

Answer: If you went with “Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts,” good job! This indeed sounds very similar to the Stygian abyss of the dreaded Dark One, so don’t get down on yourself if you answered incorrectly. Try to make up for it with this next question!

2.)    Q: The temperature is impossibly high as you witness thousands of tortured souls wail in agony while countless demons rid them of their skin and force-feed them their own eyeballs.

A: That’s right, you’re in the depths of hell! It definitely doesn’t seem pleasant to us, and we’re *almost* tempted to wish we were back at the Luke Bryan concert! On to the next one!

3.)    Q: You’re forced into a naked procession of the damned with a pitchfork constantly at your back. At the front of the line is a pit of fire in which the dancing flames will lick your flesh for all of eternity, simply because you did not make it to Confession in time to cleanse your soul before you perished.

A: Yep, it’s hell again! You’re doing great!

4.)    Q: You’re surrounded by Miller Lite-swigging men donning cowboy hats (virtually none of whom have ever even sat upon a horse, let alone been employed as a farmhand) cosplaying as Southerners despite the fact that they are hundreds of miles north of the Mason-Dixon line.

A: This was a toughie, but it’s a Luke Bryan concert! We know it sounds like a clever punishment from the devious mind of Lucifer himself, but the trickiest demon is no match for modern-day country music!

5.)    Q: You’re in a crowd of white people singing along to the lyrics “Girl you make my speakers go ‘boom boom’, dancing on the tailgate in the full moon, that kind of thing makes a man go ‘mmm mmm.’”

A: Well, you’re at a Luke Bryan concert, but why are you at a Luke Bryan concert? That’s right, you’re in hell!

There you have it! We’re sure you performed fantastically, and if not, at the very least we hope you’re a little more equipped to differentiate between these two situations. God willing, you’ll never need this knowledge, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared!

Captain Planet Harvested for Rare Minerals in New iPhone

Posted on by Matt Husser

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the tech giant would begin harvesting beloved Saturday morning cartoon icon Captain Planet for rare minerals necessary to produce the next generation of iPhones, environmental sources confirmed.

“While we appreciate everything that Captain Planet has done for the world, the incoming Trump administration’s environmental deregulation will open up a free-for-all for precious rare mineral resources we need for the new iPhone. Simply put, either we strip-mine Captain Planet or our competition will,” said Cook, unveiling Captain Planet gagged and tied to a chair. “But fear not, for his mineral contributions will not be in vain, as it will allow us to release three iterations of the new iPhone 17. And to our shareholders, I leave you with this message: the power is yours!”

Longtime Planeteer James Wheeler claimed that while he will miss the environmentally-friendly superhero, he understands it’s for the good of consumers everywhere.

“Look, me and Captain Planet go way back, but this guy on Joe Rogan made a compelling case about climate change being a hoax and I don’t appreciate being lied to all those years by some preachy liberal in red booty shorts—I say he’s got it coming,” said Wheeler, turning his MAGA hat backward. “Plus my fire ring melted my last phone and I really want that iPhone 17 Pro Max Plus. I hear they’re moving the charging port two millimeters to the left—game changer, bro. Besides, once Elon gets us to space, there’s bound to be a Captain Mars there that can help us send all the hurricanes to China or some shit.”

Environmentalist Paul Johansen voiced concerns that the unregulated mining could spell disaster for other ‘90s Saturday morning TV shows.

“Between the news of unrestricted mining of Captain Planet and the Trump administration signaling they’ll appoint Dr. Blight to head the Environmental Protection Agency, this sets a worrying precedent for the next four years. I’m concerned that if trends continue, they’ll soon open bids for fracking rights on Fraggle Rock,” said Johansen, reading a report on climate-induced muppet immigration patterns. “Sesame Street can only take so many Fraggle migrants, and before you know it we’ll have an environmental disaster and a muppet refugee crisis on our hands.”

At press time, Nestle had successfully privatized Gi’s water ring to divert California’s entire water supply to their bottling plants.

Opinion: This Country Needs To Set Politics Aside and Pick a Crappy Show We All Watch

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the book of Genesis, it is said that the Babylonians endeavored to build a tower that could reach heaven. God, feeling threatened, made them all speak in different tongues, leading to confusion and war so they would never reach their full potential. It’s a chilling metaphor for what happens when there isn’t a crappy TV show we’re all watching.

Understand, the problem goes beyond actual language. Back in the ‘80s, you took one English speaker and one Spanish speaker and they had a communication tool that for all our duolinguo lessons we just don’t have today—they both watched “Different Strokes” last night. Was it a good show? No. Did they enjoy it? Absolutely not. But it was the only thing on, so they watched it, and now these two hypothetical strangers have the mutually shared communication touchstone of “What you talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” Something they can both grasp and build on.

In the age of the internet and content over-saturation, we as a nation have been divided into thousands of tribes. Even when we speak the same language, we don’t understand each other. Today you can take two random English speakers of nearly identical circumstances—race, gender, economic status, whatever—sit them down together and there’s a good chance neither will know what the hell the other is talking about. One has no idea why the other keeps saying “brat” in a weird context. The other won’t know why the other keeps saying “Vaccines are poison” or “Theo Von.” Within 20 minutes they are confused, angry, and ready to rip one another’s throats out without really understanding why.

We are at a precipice. It is estimated that “Seinfeld” reference comprehension has sunk by 25% in the last year alone. Nearly 65% of Americans still haven’t seen all of “The Office.” A recent study showed that 80% of High School seniors can’t find Steve Urkle on a map.

Remember “Lost?” Remember how you could be in a room with someone you had nothing in common with, but you could say “What IS the island though?” and they would say “I think it’s purgatory!” What I’m saying is that having that tiny little universally understood reference is the only thing between us and full-blown civil war.

We just need to pick one. It does not need to be good. You do not need to enjoy it. It just has to be palatable enough to watch so that we all have at least one thing we can point to and say stuff like “That guy is a real (name of boss) from (mediocre television show we’ve all seen for some reason.). So, America, what’s it gonna be?

It can’t be prestige TV. It can’t be challenging in any way. It has to be something just good enough to where someone says “Wanna watch another one?” and you go “I guess.” “Law & Order?” Not everyone loves that show, but come on, who hates “Law & Order?” Too much copaganda? Okay good point, not that one, maybe a sitcom? A really lazy sitcom.

I’m not asking for much. I’m not insisting we all become enlightened citizens of the world and watch “Eurovision,” that’s not gonna happen. But 30 minutes with commercials about a dad? A dad with problems, whose set-in-his-ways outlook is routinely challenged in amusing ways, or whatever? We can do that!

Bon Iver Announces Next Release Will Only Be Available by Carrier Pigeon

Posted on by Ben Friedman

EAU CLAIRE, Wisc. — Justin Vernon surprised fans by announcing the next highly anticipated Bon Iver release will only be available via carrier pigeon delivery, sources confirmed.

“Buying and discovering music used to be a beautiful thing. For the next record I wanted to deliver a bespoke, personal experience that’s also aligned with our aesthetic. Obviously, the best way to do this is to have it exclusively delivered by hundreds of trained carrier pigeons,” said Vernon. “The new album is about reconnecting with nature, and it would go against the spirit of the music to have it tossed at one’s front door by an ambivalent FedEx driver. Pigeons are truly one of the few loyal and true creatures, and I think we can trust them to deliver vinyl within a 700-mile radius of the Great Lakes.”

Fans who have preordered the album were intrigued but concerned by the logistics.

“I should’ve known there was a catch when that grizzled Western Union telegram guy arrived on horseback with a message that Bon Iver was dropping the new album via birdmail. I live in a 60 apartment complex, how the hell is it supposed to find me? I wonder if the building manager will install a pigeon coop,” said Emma Deal. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much looking forward to the album, but I have so many questions. Like, do I get to keep the pigeon and the vinyl? I tried contacting customer service, but all I found was a telegram line.”

Label reps from Jagjaguwar supported Vernon’s vision, as it aligned with other unique delivery methods.

“Is this practical? Hell no, but damn does it get people talking about the album and builds the band’s mythos. Bon Iver is one of our biggest artists so if we need to spend a little extra money upfront converting the pressing factory into a birdhouse, so be it,” said A&R rep Don Olivieri. “It’s not like we haven’t had artists think way outside the box before. I remember Angel Olsen coming to me about beaming ‘Big Time’ into the listener’s subconscious via an ethereal ray of light, and she knocked it out of the park. Turns out there are quite a lot of consumers out there who want to consume music without using Spotify.”

Bon Iver also announced the record’s special edition will ship next year via a peregrine falcon trained by Vernon himself.