Five Finger Death Punch Fan Spends Entire Paycheck on Airbrush Stenciled Pocketknives Again

Posted on by James Knapp

CHIPLEY, Fla. — Diehard Five Finger Death Punch fan Aaron Stummerer recently squandered all of his weekly earnings on shoddily-made knives with tacky, patriotic designs airbrushed on the handles, spendthrift sources confirmed.

“I work hard at my part-time job as the guy at the driving range who drives the golf ball collector cart around. So whose business is it but mine if I wanna spend all my money on an assisted action folding knives with bald eagles riding Harleys stenciled on them,” explained Stummerer. “I don’t care that my utilities are overdue, or that the hospital is threatening to take Nana off life support if I don’t make an insurance payment soon. Who needs insurance when you’ve got literally thousands of badass-looking knives to protect yourself?”

Amos Whitley, owner of the gas station mini mart where Stummerer regularly clears out the entire inventory, has thus far been supportive of his purchasing choices.

“That yutz has almost single handedly kept my entire business afloat. How do you think a rural gas station pays the bills without selling bullshit to short-dicked goons like him?” stated Whitley while restocking the station’s display of Zippo lighters with “God Don’t Make No Trash” written on them. “Now I just bulk buy cases of those knives and a couple times a week I put some new designs on the counter. Although personally, I don’t see much difference between the grim reaper firing a machine gun and the grim reaper throwing a hand grenade, but still, those are two of our best sellers.”

Five Finger Death Punch guitarist Zoltan Bathory gave his perspective on Stummerer’s compulsion.

“I like to think we set an example for how our fans should live. That’s why whenever we’re on tour, I make sure we stop at every single truckstop we pass to buy all of their ashtrays shaped like nude women,” explained Bathory, who does not smoke. “5FDP is not just a band, it’s a way of life—and that way is obviously the one that includes a lot of day-glo butterfly knives that also have nude women airbrushed on them.”

At press time, Stummerer was once again rehearsing his excuse for why there would be no rent money this month.

The Proclaimers’ 500-Mile Walkathon Ends with 10 Dead, 35 Injured

Posted on by Eli Johnson

ABERDEEN, U.K. – A walkathon across Scotland organized by rock duo The Proclaimers was abruptly canceled after volunteers positively identified the body of the 10th fatality linked to the event, sources report.

“I’ve been doing this job for 25 years, and mate, I’ve never seen anything this grisly,” said paramedic Ben MacDonough through an interpreter. “I’ve been puking my guts out for the past hour seeing the state these people are in. Usually, it’s concert crushes that we’re called to when it’s something involving musicians. Why anyone would do something as irresponsible as force people to tramp 500 miles straight is beyond me. It’s not exactly a flat, easily traversed country, and everyone who signed up for this was encouraged to drink heavily at the pub the night before. It’s a war zone out here.”

Many of the survivors of the “You Will Walk 500 Miles Walkathon” have been too traumatized to recount their experiences, though some have begun to come forward.

“I lost consciousness somewhere outside of Inverness,” said participant Daniel Shazier. “When I came to, we were somehow in Balmedie, apparently my mates hoisted me on their shoulders so I wouldn’t fall behind. But I’m just not the same man who crossed the starting line in Glasgow. Now, I’m a wraith, a shell of my former self with blisters the size of Loch Ness on each foot. Don’t pity me though. After all, what is life, if not a slow march toward death? I’m gonna be the man who wakes up in his grave, pretty soon.”

The event’s organizers, identical twins Charlie and Craig Reed who together comprise The Proclaimers, were quick to run damage control.

“We wanted this to be a fun little jaunt and didn’t think it would be such a grueling target,” said Charlie Reed. “Me and Craig did it back in 1988 for the love of a beautiful lady, and when that was done, would you believe we walked 500 more right after? Well, we sang about it, at any rate. It was the ‘80s, after all, so I can’t remember if we actually finished. Plus, a mile’s even shorter than a kilometer, isn’t it?”

At press time, the event’s only remaining competitor, Vanessa Carlton, had begun to lap the surviving participants.

Every Black Flag Album Ranked

Posted on by John Danek

Black Flag is a legendary band people love to lie about listening to. Every indie artist name-drops them as an influence, and it’s all for cred. Only like eight people actually listen to Black Flag for enjoyment and you’re in luck because I’m one of them and I’m ranking their discography for you.

7. Family Man (1984)

There are people who claim this album is good. There are also people who say mushrooms on pizza are delicious. I don’t believe either group. You have to sit through 15 minutes of Henry Rollins’ solo abstract ramblings while he was still about 20 years from learning how to tell a story well. And when the music finally starts, it’s not much better. Henry talks over one 9-minute track, then the rest are instrumental jams. Not my cup of hardcore. But the album artwork goes pretty fucking hard, so it deserves credit for that. If you feel the need to buy this one, keep it hung up on the wall. Framed. You’re not a teenager anymore, get a goddamn frame.

Play It Again: the album artwork
Skip It: the music

6. What The… (2013)

Ah, the reverse “Family Man.” “What The…” has artwork so bad, it makes you hate the music more than maybe you should. The artwork is fucking pixelated. And stupid. But the music? It sounds like a fairly competent Black Flag tribute act. In keeping with late Black Flag tradition, the production is shit. Ron Reyes actually sounds pretty lively here, but it’s not enough to sustain interest over the course of twenty-two (22!!!!!) songs. I swear I like this band and will start complimenting them soon, but oof- they sure have laid some turds for me to sift through.

Play It Again: “It’s So Absurd” and “Go Away” are surprisingly decent
Skip It: letting your eyes focus on that bootleg South Park-ass artwork too long

5. In My Head (1985)

If I had a time machine, I would first go back to dropkick the fuck out of Baby Hitler. But my second stop would definitely be 1985 so I could give Greg Ginn a goddamned guitar tuner. Am I losing my mind or are most of the guitar parts here out of tune? Holy shit, nothing sounds right. Maybe it’s some artistic statement against sterile, perfect ‘80s music production trends. Or perhaps I have horseradish and gravel in my ears (very possible). The production is just ugly and not in a cool way, which is a shame because some of the songs on the second half are great. Other tracks have these circling guitar lines that make me physically feel nauseous which is neat as a party trick, but bad as a full album experience.

Play It Again: “In My Head” and “Drinking and Driving” are some of the best latter-day Flag songs
Skip It: “I Can See You” sounds like a kid at Guitar Center practicing their scales through a 100-watt Marshall amplifier. Truly harrowing.

4. Slip It In (1983)

Let’s get this out of the way, the title track which opens the album is pretty gross. I don’t even really know what it’s trying to say. I think it’s slut-shaming? Or coercing? Who knows, I’ve already spent more time thinking about this song than it deserves. The artwork is similarly icky and features a pre-”King of the Hill” Hank Hill as the leg. Thankfully, things improve significantly after the opener and the rest of the album is quintessential Black Flag.

Play It Again: If you don’t like “Black Coffee”, I don’t think you really like punk
Skip It: the title track, yikes

3. Loose Nut (1985)

Throughout 1984 and 1985, Black Flag would release five albums. I’ll say it- that’s too many albums. But somehow, “Loose Nut’ (the fourth of the five) doesn’t find the band fatigued at all. Bassist Kira Roessler crushes it all over this album, which she was doing to pass the time until she could go and win multiple Emmy awards for editing. I’m not lying- go look it up, then feel like shit about what you’ve done with your life. I know I do.

Play It Again: “Modern Man”
Skip It: “This Is Good” would have benefitted from another attempt at that guitar solo

2. My War (1984)

I’ve been ragging on Black Flag pretty hard throughout this ranking for questionable artistic choices. But to be honest, a lot of those decisions required risk and vulnerability. “My War” is one situation where it all panned out successfully. The gang brought an artfulness that could have easily been way too pretentious, but “My War” always thrashes. Things slow down on the back half yet it still kicks all kinds of butthole. And the album artwork terrorized a generation of kids to be afraid of hand puppets. Ok I just made that last fact up but it could be true, I don’t know.


Play It Again: “Scream” which inspired hundreds of thousands of inferior bands
Skip It: “Can’t Decide” has a weird “Baby Shark”-esque quality I can’t really put my finger on

Honorable Mention: The First Four Years (1983)

This collection comprises the singles and EPs released by Black Flag before their debut album “Damaged.” It fucking rules. “Nervous Breakdown” and “Jealous Again” are two of the greatest punk songs of all time. This compilation rules so hard that I wanted to place this at number one. But my editor said “It’s a compilation, not a record, so don’t you fucking dare try to place it in number one or I’ll sneak into your apartment and take a shit in your pillowcases then squeeze the shit log from the outside of the pillowcase so it gets ground into the fabric and is really hard to clean” and folks, I don’t want to clean shit out of my pillowcases.
Play It Again: the whole album
Skip It: shitting in my pillowcases

1. Damaged (1981)

Maybe you thought we were going to be contrarian and put “My War” at the top of the list. Or alienate everyone we love and go with “What The…” but nope. Damaged is a cornerstone of early hardcore for a reason- it fucking rules. Almost overnight, regular Hard Times joke target Henry Rollins went from being the manager of a Häagen-Dazs in D.C. to singing as frontman of punk legends who hadn’t even released a full album yet. His sincerity and energy are on full display here and it works. Oh boy, does it work. In fact, I smashed my glass of iced tea while relistening to it just now and I’m still bleeding but I won’t do anything about it until the album ends.
Play It Again: everything here is a banger
Skip It: seriously, don’t shit in my pillowcase

10 Classic Punk Songs That Are Overrated and You’re Going to Have To Learn to Accept It

Posted on by Ian Fishman

It’s a well-known fact that rock’n’roll reached perfection with the advent of punk rock. Since the Ramones first put together influences from bands like the Velvet Underground, the Stooges, and New York Dolls for their self-titled album, the punk genre — and its many offshoots — has served up the best music people could possibly make with guitars, bass, drums, and yelling into the unrelenting void.

However, even perfection coughs up a few clunkers now and again, and with the benefit of hindsight, it’s clear that some of those “classic” punk songs that came to define the genre really never should’ve had the time of day to begin with. Here are 10 of those that are more overrated than eating a bacon-wrapped, IPA-infused cupcake at an Andy Warhol retrospective in summer.

Ramones “Blitzkrieg Bop”  

Look, this song is absolutely fine for what it is. But there are so many better songs by the Ramones, and as the first track on what’s widely accepted as the “first” punk album, it’s become the de facto, lazy pick for cajoling an audience into manufactured excitement. Next time you hear it, we guarantee it’s either going to be in a Nissan commercial during a highway shot, leading into a power play at a hockey game, or when there’s a sale on running shoes at Target.

Iron Cross “Live for Now” 

Every single cover of this song is better than the original by Iron Cross, and that’s a fact. Why does the whole band sound like they each drank their own bottle of cough syrup before recording?

FEAR “I Don’t Care About You” 

FEAR might be the most derivative stereotype of punk that ever existed, and this song is Exhibit A. Gross-out shock value? Pissing on random cities? Dressing like a Hollywood caricature of “low down, no good punks?” Check, check, and check. There’s nothing threatening here; this was just made for pearl-clutching, and it still somehow sounds neutered. Outrageous for the sake of it, and incredibly boring because that’s all they are.

Black Flag “My War”

Ah, that glorious period where Greg Ginn discovered weed and somehow became even more of an asshole. “My War” is a fantastic opening salvo to telling fans that they should move along if they want anything fun from Black Flag ever again. Ginn was so concerned about wanking away on his guitar that he forgot to think about production, somehow creating a song that sounds like everyone is in a completely different room [though, if we worked with Ginn, we’d also want to be as far away as possible]. Yes, we get it, we’re “one of them” now.

Dead Boys “Sonic Reducer”

Lyrics written with all the intelligence of an 8-year-old, but with the added bonus that they basically just ripped off the sound of Pure Hell and made it worse. Next time you want to listen to the Dead Boys, go listen to Pure Hell instead. You’re welcome.

Bad Religion “American Jesus” 

The AC/DC of punk — almost 20 albums that somehow all sound the same — changed it up exactly twice in their tenure, with very different results: “Into the Unknown” broke them up, and “American Jesus” got them mainstream play. Figures that the most boring, plodding song by a band known for its speed and melodies is the one that the rest of the world latched on to.

Everything by NOFX

Seriously, pick literally any song in their catalog, listen to it as long as you can stand it, and all the while ask yourself two questions: “How many people like this band?” and, “How do people even like this band?” If U2 can find an audience, so can they, we suppose.

The Exploited “Punk’s Not Dead” 

A song so dumb it honestly probably should’ve made punk die. The epitome of fashion punks crying about their right to wear bondage pants and appropriate mohawks, it’s like AI was asked to make a song about “punks being punks, by punks, but for punks, and it should sound punk.” The fact that actual, adult humans created this is mind-boggling.

Social Distortion “Story of My Life” 

Mike Ness took less than 5 minutes to tell his entire audience that he wasted their time and they’d never have to listen to him again. “Story of My Life” is basically a copy of a copy of a copy of a Social Distortion song… and therefore the blueprint to their entire catalog after 1990.

Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the U.K.” 

We all knew this was coming. Too scared to actually “be” the anarchy they claimed to want, the original boyband of punk were a great product, selling millions of records and inspiring kids worldwide to buy $300 bondage pants with their parents’ money. They wrote one great song, and this isn’t it, but this is the one everyone still screams about because they never bothered to listen to anything else. [For the record, that one great song is “Bodies”].

Music Fan Nostalgic for Days when Pitchfork Made Him Feel Like Complete Dumbass

Posted on by John Danek

CHICAGO — Ravenous music fan Terry Manns feels a wistful sense of melancholy for the days when music publication Pitchfork.com would take an absolute shit on any band he held dear, sympathetic friends reported.

“I remember logging onto Pitchfork only to see my favorite albums like Thursday’s ‘Full Collapse’ get utterly eviscerated; I yearn for those days,” mused Manns, who admits to watching MTV constantly for the near-zero possibility of catching a music video. “Nowadays, everything from banal pop to iconoclastic experimental albums gets a 7.7. The reviewers are polite and actually talk about the music in reviews. Gen Z isn’t going to know the embarrassment of loving an amazing band like Rainer Maria, then watching Pitchfork give them the school grade equivalent of an F-. I wish they could feel it…”

Anonymous sources from within Pitchfork’s offices confirmed that the brand’s strategy has explicitly shifted in recent years.

“It’s a numbers game and you attract more flies with sugar. We get more clicks when we let Ian Cohen out of the janitor’s closet to give some aging emo band a 7.7 than we do actually criticizing lazy songwriting,” said the source, a Pitchfork reviewer who also asked us to redact the fact that they were clearly listening to Sum 41 during our call. “Ever since Condé Nast bought Pitchfork in 2015, our primary purpose is to show full-page Absolut vodka ads. Also, we’re terrified of angering Taylor Swift or Beyoncé’s fanbases. Yeasayer and Pixies fans were too stoned to really give a shit, so we could go pretty rough on them.”

Many of the artists who were slighted by Pitchfork in their nastier early years are reportedly enjoying watching the site fade from musical discourse.

“Well well well, looks like the world is finally realizing that good ol’ Condé Nastfork is full of shit,” stated The Dismemberment Plan frontman Travis Morrison, whose solo debut “Travistan” was given a devastating 0.0 by the website in 2004. “Can’t say I feel too bad after they nullified any chance I had of a solo career. Their relevance is fading; Anthony Fantano is the only dude out there willing to call mediocre albums bad. Meanwhile, people are finally starting to critically reevaluate ‘Travistan,’ which is at least a 3.2.”

The anonymous source confirmed that Pitchfork is also considering replacing their review number system altogether with different GIFs of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Isn’t It Ironic? You Fuckers Have Been Correcting My Definition of “Ironic” for Years, Yet I’m Currently Shitting on a Hand-Crafted Calacatta Marble Toilet Paid for by the Royalties of That Song (guest post by Alanis Morissette)

Posted on by John Danek

Isn’t it ironic? A singer-songwriter scores a hydrogen bomb explosion of a hit in 1996 despite nOt kNoWiNg tHe dEfInItIoN oF “iRoNiC.”

But it’s time for you to shut the hell up, pedantic dickwads. I got paid, and still get paid, regardless. Trust me, this toilet I’m blogging from costs more than six months of your rent. It’s made of calacatta gold marble which is a phrase you’ll have to google because you broke semantic sticklers are shitting on run-of-the-mill porcelain covered in dust and pubes.

You know why this song still makes me cash money money? Because I can sing laps around you English major motherfuckers, and the song rips regardless. So once and for all, let me explain: I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK SOMETHING I SAID IS NOT IRONIC, THE SONG STILL WORKS. Just ask my investment portfolio. Because I am rich. Unfathomably rich. Rich enough to beat the shit out of you with a first edition of the Merriam-Webster dictionary opened to words that start with I-R-O.

“It isn’t ironic for it to rain on your wedding day.” Oh ok, well guess what? I have one hand in my pocket with brass knuckles on, and the other hand’s choking the shit out of some Twitter shit-talker who thinks it’s oh-so-funny to correct every single line of my song. You oughta know that I can pay to have you killed. Easily.

I take shots of Pappy Van Winkle out of all my seven Grammy awards. I own one of the copies of the Declaration of Independence even though I’m Canadian. I might use it to wipe today. You cannot touch me. In the time it took me to write this post, I made more money than you’ll make all week.

And for the record, it absolutely is ironic to have 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. Have you ever tried to cut a steak with a spoon? You’ll look like an idiot. 10,000 spoons? That’s way too many spoons. Not one knife? Irony. Checkmate.

Everything We Know About the Coronation of King Charles III

Posted on by Dan Rice

Hear ye, hear ye! The coronation of King Charles III will take place tomorrow, long live the king! Here is everything we know so far about this historic, momentous occasion:

Charles III won the right to the crown after defeating Queen Elizabeth II in armed combat

While Elizabeth’s melee weapon skills were unparalleled, the rules of challenge did not explicitly ban handguns, a fact that Charles exploited in their battle.

Once Crowned, you can walk right up to King Charles III and mess with him and he has to just stand there and take it

He is forbidden to react or even smile.

The Coronation will take place at Westminster Abby, between the 11 a.mm dog show and the 4 p.m. dog show

A bundle handstamp is available

Charles will actually be sharing the throne with his notoriously inappropriate brother, Roman Roy

“Okay, let’s shit fuck this monarchy into fucky, sucky… king crown land or… whatever, Fuck!”

King Charles III is expected to launch a full-scale U.S invasion shortly after taking the throne

The American experiment is at an end. Long Live Chalres III, King of the United States of America!

The lame-stream media doesn’t want you to know that Trump actually won the election for king

Proud Gentlemen, stand down and stand by.

The King has no real political power, but is a master of seduction

Don’t even act like you wouldn’t hit that.

This will be the first coronation ceremony in Britain since John Downes was promoted to assistant manager at SKECHERS Retail hours ago

They do them for everything over there.

Liver King will retain most of his land, titles, and power, but he must kneel

Kind of a cuck move, bro.

The nefarious Doctor X has quite the coronation gift planned for King Charles III

“Quite the gift indeed…”

No one can poop during the coronation

Go ahead and try, you won’t be able to do it!

There is only one true king

“and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To Him who loves us and released us from our sins by His blood.”

— Revelation 1:5

Come and celebrate this historic coronation at Buffalo Wild Wings

Half-off apps and bottomless margaritas to anyone who can prove they are of royal blood!

He doesn’t have a magical sword or like, anything

Honestly, what is the goddamn point?

There’s gonna be QUICHE!

Real, live, actual fucking QUICHE! Praise God!

“Candle in the Wind” is about this now

Sorry Monroe and Dianna, pappa Eltons’ got checks to cash.

The disorganized, nightmare hellscape our lives have become since the throne has been unoccupied will finally end

If there’s anyone left out there, know that there is hope.

Guitarist Surprised to Hear He Wrote Song in 7/8 Time

Posted on by Rob Ryder

TULLAHOMA, Tenn. — Local guitarist Thom Carridge of noise rock band Vacuum Space was caught off guard when a fan informed him that his song “Shaping the Sky” used a 7/8 time signature, sources who weren’t quite sure what that meant confirmed.

“Oh yeah, I don’t like to box myself in…it’s not something we shoot for, we just let it happen organically. Some might even say accidentally,” said Carridge, the band’s guitarist and primary songwriter. “Music comes in many forms, with many time signatures. For instance, the most popular time signature is something called 4/4. Who knew? When I approached this ‘Shaping the Sky’ song, I was just trying to rip-off King Crimson and Radiohead, so today I learned they also use the so-called 7/8 time signature. We’re clearly very similar.”

Vacuum Space fan Hilary Franklin was excited to talk music theory with Carridge, but came away a little confused.

“I simply pointed out that the song shifts between a 7/8 measure with the compound beat in the beginning and then moves it to the end late in the song. At one point, it even shifts the compound beat in the middle, which is really wild and makes it that much harder to tap your foot to. You know, stuff every guitarist knows,” said Franklin. “But that’s when Thom’s face turned beet red. It’s almost like he had no idea what I was talking about. You should’ve seen the confused look on his face at the mere mention of the E and G chords. Totally clueless.”

Billy Tobin, music teacher at Grove Falls High School, was all too familiar with Carridge’s work.

“Five years ago Thom had the simple assignment of writing an original composition for an independent study. He used to claim he was ‘majoring in guitar’ and working on a real epic that would show people just how far you could sonically take a six-stringed instrument,” said Tobin. “But when it was finally time to perform, he was totally unprepared. He got up there with his shitty Jazzmaster copy and played this long rambling shit show of notes that lasted for 14 minutes. But to be honest, 90% of guitarists I see are just kind of winging it until something sounds good.”

At press time, Carridge was also surprised to learn that he wrote a guitar solo with a pentatonic scale.

Every Modest Mouse Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Modest Mouse is one of the most important bands in indie rock. They advanced the popularity of the genre in the early 2000s more than any other band. Basically, they’re to blame for Arcade Fire. Here is every Modest Mouse album ranked flawlessly in a way no one could possibly disagree with because I’m an indie snob and my taste in music is better than yours.

7. The Golden Casket (2021)

We’re all legitimately happy that Modest Mouse was making weird music in 2021. But it sucks that it keeps taking 5+ years to get yet another mediocre record. If Captain Isaac and crew put out whatever songs they’d been working on each year, I think fans would be happier than having to wait forever to get a record with a few great songs and a lot of noodling. If I wanted that I’d listen to “Sad Sappy Sucker” and, no, we’re not ranking that one. Maybe the band’s commercial success makes them feel like their releases need to feel important. It’s like the band is being buried alive by their own success. Oh, shit. That album title’s clever.

Play it again: “We’re Lucky”
Skip it: “Walking and Running”

6. Strangers to Ourselves (2015)

This would have made a great EP. Or a solid follow-up to “We Were Dead…” if it were released in 2009 maybe. This record has some amazing songs that are on par with anything the band made at their peak. However, this album feels like a band regaining its musical footing after a long break, which is strange because in Isaac Brock’s blog, he said they were hard at work on it the entire time. That was a long eight years of blog-reading, Isaac, and the results were only kind of worth it.

Play it again: “God is an Indian and You’re an Asshole”
Skip it: “Pistol (A. Cunanan, Miami, FL. 1996)”

5. This Is a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About (1996)

We’ve officially entered into classic Modest Mouse territory. The messy, drunk band of angry-yet-sensitive pioneers of the great hipster front. “Long Drive” is the band’s first official full-length release and it shows you exactly who this band is: wonderfully sloppy. I’d rank this one higher and talk about how groundbreaking it is if Built to Spill hadn’t already put out “There’s Nothing Wrong With Love.”

Play it again: “Dramamine”
Skip it: “Lounge”

4. The Moon & Antarctica (2000)

During an era where signing to a major label almost certainly meant changing your sound, Modest Mouse defied the odds and released this weird-ass masterpiece. This album brings out the softer side of the band, which is ironic because production was halted for months while Isaac Brock recovered from a street fight he got into with a group of dudes. He’s basically the 50 Cent of indie rock, minus the investment skills.

Play it again: “3rd Planet”
Skip it: “Tiny Cities Made of Ashes”

3. We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank (2007)

This is the one with Johnny Marr on it. What a fucking coup. There are riffs on here that really feel like a Modest Mouse/Smiths collaboration. This is also the first record they made with members of their wildly talented touring lineup during their most commercially successful period. They also had two drummers, which would have been obnoxious if it didn’t sound so good. It looked pretty silly though. Then again, so did a lot of indie rock at the time. At least they didn’t come on stage in a giant hampster wheel.

Play it again: “Little Motel”
Skip it: “Steam Engenius”

2. Good News for People Who Love Bad News (2004)

Prior to recording this album, Modest Mouse practically broke up and drummer Jeremiah Green left the band. They completely reinvented themselves in the studio to make one final album that would likely be their last. Once again, limitation breeds creativity and “Good News…” was a massive success. Hell, “Float On” even helped make Lupe Fiasco blow up and if anyone deserves success it’s the guy who wrote “Kick, Push.” The second and third tracks have completely different emotional tones to them but they’re the SAME CHORDS. These guys can even make pop music weird and excessively complicated. Fucking indie kings.

Play it again: “One Chance”
Skip it: “Dig Your Grave”

1. The Lonesome Crowded West (1997)

This is the perfect Modest Mouse record. It’s indisputable. Objectively, this record has the best lyrics, music, and production. It is flawless in its flaws and perfect in its perfection. It exists exactly as it should be. And now that you’ve read our Modest Mouse rankings, your taste in music has officially leveled up. We’re glad you totally agree with our rankings.

Play it again: “Polar Opposites”
Skip it: “Jesus Christ Was an Only Child”

9 Times Punks Were Used in Commercials That Are So Embarrassing You Will Wish for the Sweet Release of Death

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Commercials will always be incredibly fake and pandering. Since there are plenty of people who like punk music, it’s no surprise for that to be considered a demographic they consider. Because punk likes to pride itself on being true and anti-establishment, it just makes it all the more hilariously cringe at the result. This isn’t to cry about these commercials “aren’t real punk, man” but rather to look and laugh at how bad these attempts can be.

Mr. Tire aka Mr. Gets-Us-To-The Big-Gigs

Let’s first look at this band up close. Upon freeze-framing the band’s name is Shifting Gears with the most Microsoft Word font and Clip Art stock image logo they could possibly find. The man with the fauxhawk then tells us that he refers to his auto service company as “Mr. Gets-Us-To- The-Big-Gigs” as any really cool person does. You then find out that the band is performing at a retirement home where we get a glimpse of a rockin’ granny. Now that’s a twist worthy of a Geico commercial.

Taco Bell’s Anarchy Revolution

Everywhere this GrubHub guy goes people are going berserk for tacos. At one point he delivers right to the table of a thrashing family instead of just dropping it on their doorstep like a normal human. The ad ends perfectly with all the punks marching through the alley waving flags that say “tacos” using the anarchy symbol as the A. Got to love this rebellious singer saying “nothing can stop us now” to the news of getting Taco Bell delivered as if anyone was trying to stop him from giving himself diarrhea.

Pioneer Stereo Brings Peace

Oh no! Punks and suits are facing off on the street corner! Then what’s this, the punks and suits getting along? What crazy topsy-turvy world is this? Only with the power of a Pioneer brand stereo can they understand each other and their strange attires. If they had used a Sony brand stereo it would’ve ended with bodies bleeding out in the gutter.

Bratz Pretty ‘N’ Punk Dolls

Whoever designed these are very much in the mindset that a British flag means punk. Maybe punks are into England the same way Anime fans are into Japan. From now on I’m referring to all punks as British Weeaboos. All the Bratz dolls come with a dog which is very accurate to the average squatter punk.

Lou Reed Takes A Honda Scooter To The Wild Side

It’s a special level of dad humor using “Take A Walk On The Wild Side” and then cutting to the line about how walking is not as good as riding a scooter. Lou Reed really should’ve leaned harder into this lame joke and changed the lyrics to something about riding a scooter on the wild side. I’d like to think that the montage of all the people in New York before Reed shows up is the commercial’s way of telling you that if you do walk instead of riding a Honda Scooter, you may be forced to talk to these weirdos. For a better television use of Lou Reed I suggest his amazing anti-crack PSA.

Bubble Yum Is For Ruffling Some Feathers

Yes, the duck is a great puppet. I’m not dissing the fun design of this duck. Still, this is by the end of the day something slapped together by a group of middle-aged marketing people showing their bubble gum is not your daddy’s bubble gum because this is a duck with piercings and shakes his butt. Why a duck though? Birds don’t have teeth to chew gum. Or can they? It appears ducks technically have teeth, go ahead and look up those photos. Were the marketing suits fascinated by duck teeth? The commercial shows that the gum is the official product of the most punk thing imaginable, Major League Baseball.

Burger King’s Got One Nation Under Chicken Fries

Burger King creates some sort of Misfits knock-off band that is obsessed with chicken fries. Despite the Misfits sound, the band also wears Slipknot chicken masks and are named Coq Roq because coming up with clever band names is hard. Notice the lack of dipping sauces. Nothing like eating unflavored chicken fries handed to you by a stranger at a sweaty concert.

John Lydon The Butter Spokesman

There are very few celebrity choices that are as hilariously cringe as John Lydon. The man spent so many years calling others fuckin corporate puppet wankers that to see him shill butter is something else. His haters will say he started his career shilling clothes and his defenders will say he used the money for a new PiL album, but either way you look at it, it’s funny to watch him praise dairy products.

Punk CD

The giant wigs here are used to hide the identity of these struggling actors. The CD has all the classic punk hits like My Sharona, a song so rebellious that the Dead Kennedys covered it with My Payola. The compilation is for sale at the cheap price of $26.99! With inflation that would be about $63 today for what is pretty much a best-of album. The CD itself is simply titled Punk because that will definitely make it easy to find in a record store. This CD could be for New Wave fans who are too embarrassed by their music selection that need to hide it as punk the same way you hide your Garfields inside a Murakami book when on the bus. If that’s the case then be proud, there’s nothing wrong with liking Erasure.

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