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The Proclaimers’ 500-Mile Walkathon Ends with 10 Dead, 35 Injured

ABERDEEN, U.K. – A walkathon across Scotland organized by rock duo The Proclaimers was abruptly canceled after volunteers positively identified the body of the 10th fatality linked to the event, sources report.

“I’ve been doing this job for 25 years, and mate, I’ve never seen anything this grisly,” said paramedic Ben MacDonough through an interpreter. “I’ve been puking my guts out for the past hour seeing the state these people are in. Usually, it’s concert crushes that we’re called to when it’s something involving musicians. Why anyone would do something as irresponsible as force people to tramp 500 miles straight is beyond me. It’s not exactly a flat, easily traversed country, and everyone who signed up for this was encouraged to drink heavily at the pub the night before. It’s a war zone out here.”

Many of the survivors of the “You Will Walk 500 Miles Walkathon” have been too traumatized to recount their experiences, though some have begun to come forward.

“I lost consciousness somewhere outside of Inverness,” said participant Daniel Shazier. “When I came to, we were somehow in Balmedie, apparently my mates hoisted me on their shoulders so I wouldn’t fall behind. But I’m just not the same man who crossed the starting line in Glasgow. Now, I’m a wraith, a shell of my former self with blisters the size of Loch Ness on each foot. Don’t pity me though. After all, what is life, if not a slow march toward death? I’m gonna be the man who wakes up in his grave, pretty soon.”

The event’s organizers, identical twins Charlie and Craig Reed who together comprise The Proclaimers, were quick to run damage control.

“We wanted this to be a fun little jaunt and didn’t think it would be such a grueling target,” said Charlie Reed. “Me and Craig did it back in 1988 for the love of a beautiful lady, and when that was done, would you believe we walked 500 more right after? Well, we sang about it, at any rate. It was the ‘80s, after all, so I can’t remember if we actually finished. Plus, a mile’s even shorter than a kilometer, isn’t it?”

At press time, the event’s only remaining competitor, Vanessa Carlton, had begun to lap the surviving participants.