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Everything We Know About the Coronation of King Charles III

Hear ye, hear ye! The coronation of King Charles III will take place tomorrow, long live the king! Here is everything we know so far about this historic, momentous occasion:

Charles III won the right to the crown after defeating Queen Elizabeth II in armed combat

While Elizabeth’s melee weapon skills were unparalleled, the rules of challenge did not explicitly ban handguns, a fact that Charles exploited in their battle.

Once Crowned, you can walk right up to King Charles III and mess with him and he has to just stand there and take it

He is forbidden to react or even smile.

The Coronation will take place at Westminster Abby, between the 11 dog show and the 4 p.m. dog show

A bundle handstamp is available

Charles will actually be sharing the throne with his notoriously inappropriate brother, Roman Roy

“Okay, let’s shit fuck this monarchy into fucky, sucky… king crown land or… whatever, Fuck!”

King Charles III is expected to launch a full-scale U.S invasion shortly after taking the throne

The American experiment is at an end. Long Live Chalres III, King of the United States of America!

The lame-stream media doesn’t want you to know that Trump actually won the election for king

Proud Gentlemen, stand down and stand by.

The King has no real political power, but is a master of seduction

Don’t even act like you wouldn’t hit that.

This will be the first coronation ceremony in Britain since John Downes was promoted to assistant manager at SKECHERS Retail hours ago

They do them for everything over there.

Liver King will retain most of his land, titles, and power, but he must kneel

Kind of a cuck move, bro.

The nefarious Doctor X has quite the coronation gift planned for King Charles III

“Quite the gift indeed…”

No one can poop during the coronation

Go ahead and try, you won’t be able to do it!

There is only one true king

“and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To Him who loves us and released us from our sins by His blood.”

— Revelation 1:5

Come and celebrate this historic coronation at Buffalo Wild Wings

Half-off apps and bottomless margaritas to anyone who can prove they are of royal blood!

He doesn’t have a magical sword or like, anything

Honestly, what is the goddamn point?

There’s gonna be QUICHE!

Real, live, actual fucking QUICHE! Praise God!

“Candle in the Wind” is about this now

Sorry Monroe and Dianna, pappa Eltons’ got checks to cash.

The disorganized, nightmare hellscape our lives have become since the throne has been unoccupied will finally end

If there’s anyone left out there, know that there is hope.