Commercials will always be incredibly fake and pandering. Since there are plenty of people who like punk music, it’s no surprise for that to be considered a demographic they consider. Because punk likes to pride itself on being true and anti-establishment, it just makes it all the more hilariously cringe at the result. This isn’t to cry about these commercials “aren’t real punk, man” but rather to look and laugh at how bad these attempts can be.
Mr. Tire aka Mr. Gets-Us-To-The Big-Gigs
Let’s first look at this band up close. Upon freeze-framing the band’s name is Shifting Gears with the most Microsoft Word font and Clip Art stock image logo they could possibly find. The man with the fauxhawk then tells us that he refers to his auto service company as “Mr. Gets-Us-To- The-Big-Gigs” as any really cool person does. You then find out that the band is performing at a retirement home where we get a glimpse of a rockin’ granny. Now that’s a twist worthy of a Geico commercial.
Taco Bell’s Anarchy Revolution
Everywhere this GrubHub guy goes people are going berserk for tacos. At one point he delivers right to the table of a thrashing family instead of just dropping it on their doorstep like a normal human. The ad ends perfectly with all the punks marching through the alley waving flags that say “tacos” using the anarchy symbol as the A. Got to love this rebellious singer saying “nothing can stop us now” to the news of getting Taco Bell delivered as if anyone was trying to stop him from giving himself diarrhea.
Pioneer Stereo Brings Peace
Oh no! Punks and suits are facing off on the street corner! Then what’s this, the punks and suits getting along? What crazy topsy-turvy world is this? Only with the power of a Pioneer brand stereo can they understand each other and their strange attires. If they had used a Sony brand stereo it would’ve ended with bodies bleeding out in the gutter.
Bratz Pretty ‘N’ Punk Dolls
Whoever designed these are very much in the mindset that a British flag means punk. Maybe punks are into England the same way Anime fans are into Japan. From now on I’m referring to all punks as British Weeaboos. All the Bratz dolls come with a dog which is very accurate to the average squatter punk.
Lou Reed Takes A Honda Scooter To The Wild Side
It’s a special level of dad humor using “Take A Walk On The Wild Side” and then cutting to the line about how walking is not as good as riding a scooter. Lou Reed really should’ve leaned harder into this lame joke and changed the lyrics to something about riding a scooter on the wild side. I’d like to think that the montage of all the people in New York before Reed shows up is the commercial’s way of telling you that if you do walk instead of riding a Honda Scooter, you may be forced to talk to these weirdos. For a better television use of Lou Reed I suggest his amazing anti-crack PSA.
Bubble Yum Is For Ruffling Some Feathers
Yes, the duck is a great puppet. I’m not dissing the fun design of this duck. Still, this is by the end of the day something slapped together by a group of middle-aged marketing people showing their bubble gum is not your daddy’s bubble gum because this is a duck with piercings and shakes his butt. Why a duck though? Birds don’t have teeth to chew gum. Or can they? It appears ducks technically have teeth, go ahead and look up those photos. Were the marketing suits fascinated by duck teeth? The commercial shows that the gum is the official product of the most punk thing imaginable, Major League Baseball.
Burger King’s Got One Nation Under Chicken Fries
Burger King creates some sort of Misfits knock-off band that is obsessed with chicken fries. Despite the Misfits sound, the band also wears Slipknot chicken masks and are named Coq Roq because coming up with clever band names is hard. Notice the lack of dipping sauces. Nothing like eating unflavored chicken fries handed to you by a stranger at a sweaty concert.
John Lydon The Butter Spokesman
There are very few celebrity choices that are as hilariously cringe as John Lydon. The man spent so many years calling others fuckin corporate puppet wankers that to see him shill butter is something else. His haters will say he started his career shilling clothes and his defenders will say he used the money for a new PiL album, but either way you look at it, it’s funny to watch him praise dairy products.
The giant wigs here are used to hide the identity of these struggling actors. The CD has all the classic punk hits like My Sharona, a song so rebellious that the Dead Kennedys covered it with My Payola. The compilation is for sale at the cheap price of $26.99! With inflation that would be about $63 today for what is pretty much a best-of album. The CD itself is simply titled Punk because that will definitely make it easy to find in a record store. This CD could be for New Wave fans who are too embarrassed by their music selection that need to hide it as punk the same way you hide your Garfields inside a Murakami book when on the bus. If that’s the case then be proud, there’s nothing wrong with liking Erasure.