CHIPLEY, Fla. — Diehard Five Finger Death Punch fan Aaron Stummerer recently squandered all of his weekly earnings on shoddily-made knives with tacky, patriotic designs airbrushed on the handles, spendthrift sources confirmed.
“I work hard at my part-time job as the guy at the driving range who drives the golf ball collector cart around. So whose business is it but mine if I wanna spend all my money on an assisted action folding knives with bald eagles riding Harleys stenciled on them,” explained Stummerer. “I don’t care that my utilities are overdue, or that the hospital is threatening to take Nana off life support if I don’t make an insurance payment soon. Who needs insurance when you’ve got literally thousands of badass-looking knives to protect yourself?”
Amos Whitley, owner of the gas station mini mart where Stummerer regularly clears out the entire inventory, has thus far been supportive of his purchasing choices.
“That yutz has almost single handedly kept my entire business afloat. How do you think a rural gas station pays the bills without selling bullshit to short-dicked goons like him?” stated Whitley while restocking the station’s display of Zippo lighters with “God Don’t Make No Trash” written on them. “Now I just bulk buy cases of those knives and a couple times a week I put some new designs on the counter. Although personally, I don’t see much difference between the grim reaper firing a machine gun and the grim reaper throwing a hand grenade, but still, those are two of our best sellers.”
Five Finger Death Punch guitarist Zoltan Bathory gave his perspective on Stummerer’s compulsion.
“I like to think we set an example for how our fans should live. That’s why whenever we’re on tour, I make sure we stop at every single truckstop we pass to buy all of their ashtrays shaped like nude women,” explained Bathory, who does not smoke. “5FDP is not just a band, it’s a way of life—and that way is obviously the one that includes a lot of day-glo butterfly knives that also have nude women airbrushed on them.”
At press time, Stummerer was once again rehearsing his excuse for why there would be no rent money this month.