Every Jimmy Eat World Album Ranked

Posted on by Chris Jones

What do artists ranging from My Chemical Romance all the way to Ben Rector and fucking Taylor Swift have in common? They all fuck with Jimmy World–that’s what. And it’s easy to see why. Very few bands have been able to pull off both forging new genres and adapting their sound to the evolution of music without coming off as a gimmick as well as Mesa, Arizona’s hometown heroes Jimmy Eat World. Whether it’s helping invent emo altogether or inspiring a young and eager Mark Hoppus, Jimmy Eat World have been making an immense impact on the music scene since back in the ‘90s. While everyone blasted breakthrough hits like “The Middle” and “Sweetness” on our car radios back in high school, the rest of their discography doesn’t get nearly enough love. Of course every album isn’t full of total bangers that will make you want to fistfight your old gym teacher quite as much as songs like “Bleed American,” but there are still plenty of underrated jams in their collection that you could find yourself wanting to play on repeat. So, spare yourself the tears because I’m ranking every Jimmy Eat World album from worst to best.

10. Jimmy Eat World (Self-Titled) (1994)

If you’re not Neil Young, or one of the only other people still refusing to use Spotify in 2023, then you probably didn’t know this album even existed. It seems like the only platform to listen to it on nowadays is YouTube, which is great if you somehow like trying to decipher inaudible lyrics that are frequently interrupted by BetterHelp commercials. But for the rest of us that aren’t batshit insane, tracking down and listening to this album just feels like a chore. So the real question is–is it worth finding obscure ways to listen to “Jimmy Eat World (Self-Titled)” today? No. In fact–not at all. Jimmy Eat World appear to have gone out of their way to make sure that no one listens to this album, and it’s pretty easy to understand why. Guitarist and backing singer Tom Linton sings lead vocals on the entire album, except for one song that’s fortunately performed by future frontman Jim Adkins. While Tom’s great and all, his vocals are just not nearly up-to-par with Jim Adkins, and never will be. Sorry Tom, but you don’t sing weirdly angelic like Jim does.

Play it again: “Usery” (If you randomly have YouTube Premium)
Skip it: All other songs on the album

9. Damage (2013)

Breaking up is a hard thing to do, but breaking up as an adult? That’s fucking unbearable. Just ask Jim Adkins, who obviously was going through some deep shit when writing an entire album about adult breakups with 2013’s “Damage.” While its single “I Will Steal You Back” is more than listenable, some of the album’s use of mellow acoustic guitar makes too many songs struggle to stray away from sounding like easy listening. Look, I’ve got nothing against easy listening, but the subject matter of these songs is far from easy to listen to without getting depressed. Unless you unfortunately just had your heart ripped out unexpectedly after forming your life around someone and need a soundtrack to help cope with it, then this album is most likely not for you.

Play it again: “I Will Steal You Back”
Skip it: “Byebyelove”

8. Invented (2010)

“Invented” seems like the album where Jimmy Eat World tried to reinvent themselves but accidentally ended up playing it safe instead. While the album was supposed to showcase the band’s transition into new sounds, the resulting songs sadly came off as the band trying too hard to structure songs for radio play instead of being full of the emotion-powered big rock moments Jimmy Eat World fans were told to expect. Jim Adkins wrote this album solely referencing a series of photographs, which you think would make things more interesting. However, that also could be what made the songwriting come off as oddly boxed in. The album’s true saving grace is one of its singles, “My Best Theory,” which you might remember getting solid airplay in 2010. While it can be a bit repetitive, it’s still a banger nonetheless. There just isn’t enough variation in this album’s top tracks to give them the replayability that Jimmy Eat World’s greatest hits enjoy. To be fair, 2010 was a weird time to release a rock album though. For example, Maroon 5’s ear-bleeding “Moves Like Jagger” was somehow dubbed a “top rock” song that year.

Play it again: “My Best Theory”
Skip it: “Evidence”

7. Static Prevails (1996)

Do you like Sunny Day Real Estate? If so, then you might actually enjoy Jimmy Eat World’s attempt to emulate them in 1996 with “Static Prevails.” While this album has a die-hard following, there’s no way in hell it is even close to being one of Jimmy Eat World’s greatest releases. I know this might piss off the bizarre niche of people that for some reason have declared that this is Jimmy Eat World’s only good album, and that the rest of their work is just bubblegum pop bullshit. But just take the time to give it a listen today and you’ll realize that in this album Jimmy Eat World’s influences are far outweighing their artistry. Don’t get me wrong, “Thinking, That’s All” opens the album with a contagiously unhinged rage that I’ve struggled to find in the band’s other releases, but much of the album just does not meet the incredibly high standard the band set later in their career. While it’s fun to hear Jim and Tom trade off vocals occasionally, the end result is just not a cohesive album that you’ll want to play on repeat.

Play it again: “Thinking, That’s All”
Skip it: “Robot Factory”

6. Integrity Blues (2018)

Three years after the release of 2013’s heart-crushing “Damage,” Jim Adkins and the band seemed to truly get the stride back in their step. One of the later releases of Jimmy Eat World’s discography, 2016’s “Integrity Blues” features catchy jams shamelessly at the pop end of the rock spectrum to bait you into the album’s more intricate songs that offer more depth. This is truly a winning songwriting formula for Jimmy Eat World, as they have proven by this point with other albums like “Bleed American,” “Futures,” and “Chase This Light.” Some of the instrumentals and choruses in this album just downright sound like Jimmy Eat World at their best. From the mysteriously spacy guitar in “Through” to the crowd-belting “Sure and Certain,” this album demonstrates the band’s ability to experiment and expand their sound without abandoning what made us Jimmy Eat World fans in the first place.

Play it again: “Sure and Certain”
Skip it: “It Matters”

5. Surviving (2019)

Repeat after me–Jimmy Eat World is still releasing great music today. That feels weird to say right? Well, it shouldn’t! It’s a shame that the world struggles to view Jimmy Eat World beyond the 2000s, because 2019’s “Surviving” is truly one of their greatest albums. Maybe it’s because the world shut down for two years right after it dropped, but it really feels like this album came out yesterday, and the modernity of its sound and themes still feels more relevant than ever. The album’s 80s electro-inspired hit, “555,” plays on the fake phone number always used in pop culture. In the song, the band uses someone attempting to dial the nonexistent number to illustrate the struggle to keep going when life just isn’t working out, excellently portraying that feeling of frustration when your desperate pleas are going to an uncaring universe. The song’s great concept paired with Jim Adkins fully dolled up as a sad boy intergalactic supervillain also makes for the best music video the band’s released since “The Middle.” Needless to say, the pandemic that followed its release made the title track’s lyrics, “Yeah, You can still survive but not exactly live” and the album’s overall theme of hopelessness truly resonates with fans.

Play it again: “Delivery” and “All the Way (Stay)”
Skip it: “Recommit”

4. Chase This Light (2007)

Many Jimmy Eat World fans view “Chase This Light” as their magnum opus of albums, and admittedly I was confused as to why at first. Sure, I thought “Big Casino” was a rock solid jam with face-melting guitar and all, but can we genuinely compare this album to “Bleed American,” “Clarity,” “Futures,” or even the recent addictingly experimental “Surviving” without feeling like we’re taking crazy pills? However, after finally giving the album the attention it deserves with a full listen-through, I’ll be the first to confess that I was wrong. In fact–holy hell was I wrong. This album is so damn good that I no longer would feel the need to challenge someone to fisty-cuffs if they ranked it above “Bleed American.” Yeah–it’s surprisingly that fucking good. From the clever Death Cab for Cutie-esque songwriting of “Let It Happen” to the emotional power ballad that is “Dizzy,” this album is a damn fun time all the way through.

Play it again: “Dizzy”
Skip it: “Here It Goes”

3. Clarity (1999)

It’s hard to believe that “Clarity” is the album that got Jimmy Eat World dropped from Capitol Records. Apparently the label’s new CEO at the time was confused by its raw emotion and uniqueness from more pop-focused bands blowing up in the late ‘90s, making him disregard the band as not even worthy of being taken seriously. If this dude is still around today, then allow me to be the first person to offer him a nice roundhouse kick to the nuts, because “Clarity” is nothing short of a goddamn masterpiece. This album is just about as emo as it gets–so emo in fact, that it went on to be dubbed as one of most formative albums pioneering the whole fucking genre. While it was a commercial flop upon release, “Clarity” has lived on to build a well-deserved and borderline cult-like following. With powerhouse hits like the title track “Clarity,” “Lucky Denver Mint,” and “Crush” mixed in with emotionally raw and stripped ones like “Just Watch the Fireworks,” this can easily be considered one of the best Jimmy Eat World albums of all time–despite most people not even knowing it exists.

Play it again: “Clarity”
Skip it: “Goodbye Sky Harbour” (Because 15 minutes is just too damn long even for this die-hard Jimmy Eat World fan)

2. Futures (2004)

The pressure was real for Jimmy Eat World when it came time to make a follow-up to 2001’s “Bleed American.” Fortunately, they truly hit it out of the fucking park with 2004’s “Futures” though. This album definitely sounds the most alternative out of Jimmy Eat World’s discography, but the band somehow accomplished this while pulling from their quintessentially emo book of tricks that they perfected with “Clarity.” From opening with one of their best songs of all time, “Futures,” acting as a hopeful protest against the government to exploring the struggles of addiction in two completely different styles with the infectious lead single “Pain” and the tear-inducing “Drugs or Me,” this album feels as if Jim Adkins’ songwriting ability truly went full fucking super-Saiyan. Hardly anything sounds like filler on this album, which is especially impressive when you realize one of its top tracks, “23,” is a whopping seven minutes in length. Sure, Blink-182’s song about being 23 is way more popular, but does it make you tear up for seven whole fucking minutes? I didn’t think so.

Play it again: “Futures”
Skip it: “Night Drive”

1. Bleed American (2001)

And here we are at number one. We all saw this coming. Did you think I’d be some edgelord that ranks this album second, third, or dare I say–fucking fourth–like I’ve seen plenty of neckbeards do on the internet? Hell no. “Bleed American” is Jimmy Eat World’s most popular album for a reason god dammit, and I’m willing to die on this hill. I mean–come on! With the albums featuring their greatest hits like “Bleed American,” “The Middle,” “A Praise Chorus,” and fucking “Sweetness” (also known as one of the greatest songs of all time), what’s not to love? And let’s not forget about “Hear You Me.” Even if you don’t love that song, I can sure as shit guarantee your girlfriend does. As incredible as the rest of Jimmy Eat World’s music is, this album just has too many good fucking songs to not take the crown.

Play it again: “Sweetness” and “A Praise Chorus”
Skip it: Don’t fucking insult me

10 Ska Songs Used in Movies to Remind You That Your Ska Phase Wasn’t That Long Ago and You Need to Burn Some Old Photos

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Despite being maligned and mocked, ska music always had a safe space at the movies. From Bond to Bueller, if filmmakers needed a music bed for a goofy chase scene, an out-of-control kid’s party, or a makeover montage, an upbeat ska track was the perfect fit. Here are 10 of the best ska songs used in movies.

Less Than Jake (featuring Kel Mitchell) “We’re All Dudes” from “Good Burger” (1997)

Nickelodeon and third-wave ska had a symbiotic relationship in the ‘90s, something about the fast-paced horns and uptempo backbeat really hit with the 2-17-year-old demographic. Ska-punkers Less Than Jake backing Ed’s surfer dude vocals during a fast food-making montage is a ‘90s kids culture time capsule. Gender Studies majors might have better observations about the inclusiveness of the lyrics “I’m a dude/He’s a dude/She’s a dude/We’re all dudes, hey,” but those think pieces might have to wait until “Good Burger 2” is released later this year.

Desmond Dekker “007 (Shanty Town)” from Vivarium (2020)

This creepy sci-fi horror snuck under the radar, but struck a chord when its release coincided with the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown. Jesse Eisenberg and Imogen Poots star as a couple who find themselves alone in an empty, inescapable neighborhood and get mysterious deliveries to their door, including a rapidly aging child. Desmond Dekker’s spectacular 1967 song “007 (Shanty Town)” plays as they dance in their car’s headlights in a final celebration before their nasty little foundling ruins everything and they succumb to their tragic fate.

Dance Hall Crashers “Lady Luck” from “Meet The Deedles” (1998)

“Meet the Deedles” never seemed to exist outside of print ads in superhero comics.  Judging by the ad, it’s about two fun-loving but troublemaking surfers, one of which is Paul Walker, go on a wacky adventure and may or may not have blue waves for hair. Since the Dance Hall Crashers never got enough respect, perhaps due to movies like this, so enjoy their song as Deedle 1 and Deedle 2 fly a parasail from a rear-projected close-up into a Jetski Cop while speaking entirely in lines recorded weeks after shooting.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Someday I Suppose” and “Where Did You Go?” from “Clueless” (1995)

Just before “Let’s Face It” went platinum and long before Dicky Barrett turned into an anti-vaccine nutjob, the Bosstones had the spotlight shown on them with two songs featured at a pivotal party scene in ‘Clueless.” Alicia Silverstone is on a date with a sitcom version of a gay person as she observes her stepbrother, played by the cyborg known as Paul Rudd, being nice to Brittany Murphy, who we’re meant to think is the most disgusting human being alive for not having a fashion sense of a Delia’s catalog. This act of kindness causes Silverstone to be attracted to him, long before “But you’re my stepbrother!” became a popular genre of pornography.

Isaac Green and the Skalars “Don’t Count” from “Bang” (1995)

There are three items of note in this Post-“Pulp Fiction” indie crime drama: It is the film debut of Lucy Liu, it was written and directed by Ash Baron-Cohen (as in Borat’s cousin), and it features an all-ska soundtrack. It doesn’t work. in this story of a downtrodden Asian-American woman stealing a motorcycle cop’s bike, uniform, and badge as she interacts with ill-defined Los Angeles racial caricatures. The premise is great, but this execution comes off like a British boarding school kid playing with Homies figures. Luckily, Isaac Green and the Skalar’s “Don’t Count” plays over the credits and it captures the mood and sums up the journey of the character of “The Girl” (sheesh!).

Rancid with Stubborn All-Stars “I Wanna Riot” from “Beavis and Butthead Do America” (1996)

What was it about comedy duos making their big-screen debuts that necessitated a ska song? When the animated fartknockers hit the road to replace their stolen TV, they eventually end up on a bus with the original 2-tone army: nuns. Compared to the rest of the movie, the sequence isn’t that notable aside from being scored by Rancid’s “I Wanna Riot.” This new version of the song revisits their ska-punk roots by scooping up the keyboard and horn section of New York’s scrappy supergroup, “The Stubborn All-Stars.”

Reel Big Fish “Beer” from “BASEketball” (1998)

Reel Big Fish and a raunchy comedy starring the “South Park” guys–two tastes that obviously go together. Despite being musically solid, Reel Big Fish cemented the image of the goofy, bowling shirt-clad, bouncy ska band in the public eye. Who better for the in-game entertainment for a made-up sport? The jokes aged like egg salad, but with “South Park” in its 26th season and RBF still touring, there was some magic in this cinematic equivalent of Cheddar Cheese Baked Pretzel Combos.

The English Beat “Save it for Later” from “Kingpin” (1996)

The English Beat provided the backdrop for Ferris Bueller running through backyards and as a zombie ska band on Scooby-Doo, but music supervisors must keep the song “Save It For Later” permanently on their desktop in a folder marked “Montage Music.” Most recently it appeared in “Spider-Man: Homecoming,” but it’s a perfect fit for this slapstick sequence of a sleazy Woody Harrelson trying to fit into Amish society. Sorry Ferris, but your entitled ass leaping through the neighborhood doesn’t compare to bovine jizz jokes.

Toots and the Maytals “Sweet And Dandy” from “The Harder They Come” (1972)

Forget ska songs appearing on soundtrack albums, this hallmark of Jamaican cinema tops every list of the best movie soundtracks. Reggae superstar Jimmy Cliff as an impoverished farm boy who comes to the city to be a singer and encounters a creepy preacher, a greedy record producer, corrupt cops, and drug dealers in league with the corrupt cops. Basically a Western with better music. The production spanned the era of the big band dance ska as it transitioned to the vocal-driven genre of rocksteady to the foundations of reggae. As he visits a studio where Toots and the Maytals are recording, proving that ska isn’t just suburban kids with big sideburns.

Honorable Mention: Goldfinger (1996-2004) Too Many To Name

Kenny Loggins is known as “The King Of The Movie Soundtrack,” but there was hardly a silly teen comedy during the turn of the millennium that didn’t have one or more Goldfinger songs. If they didn’t divide their attention by also appearing in numerous video games, Goldfinger would wear the crown.

Funicello & Fishbone “Jamaica Ska” from ‘Back to the Beach” (1987)

Despite being a parody of the long-forgotten 1960s beach party movie genre, this movie about Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon as adults being unable to relate to their kids was permanently on basic cable. In a throwback within a throwback, Funicello, backed by Fishbone, dives into a musical number teaching these ‘80s kids how to do the ska. And after her college bribery scandal, the joke of Lori Laughlin and friend saying that Jamaica Ska is a required course at their college hits much differently.

New Documentary on Black Sabbath Reveals Last Documentary Got It About Right

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LOS ANGELES — Cult film director Gustav Heinrik’s latest project “Black Sabbath: Go Heavy or Go Home” shines new light on the idea that the previous Sabbath documentary, 2021’s “The Heavy, Hard Way Home,’ got everything about right, confirmed multiple denim vest-clad sources.

“This new documentary follows on the heels of the last one and it really helped illuminate the fact that almost everything that needs to be said about Sabbath has been said. There really isn’t any new information on these guys that anyone is digging up. And this doc didn’t even interview any band members, it just showed old photos and video footage,” said longtime Sabbath fan Tony Ortleib. “‘Go Heavy or Go Home,’ did have a 17-minute blooper reel from ‘The Osbournes’ where Ozzy seemed unhappy about the cameras. That was pretty groundbreaking for Sabbath docs, but just as I’d suspected not much was going on with them.”

Heinrik himself echoed Ortleib’s sentiment that the new project subverts expectations of what a “new” documentary should be — namely, new.

“Sure, it says everything the past few documentaries said about the band. But now we have Alice Cooper saying it. Now we have a friend of Lars Ulrich saying it. We’ve all heard the story of Ozzy biting the head off a bat during a show in Des Moines. But have we heard Rob Halford of Judas Priest retell it? No. Not in the past fifteen years, at least,” Heinrik said, referring to the 2008 documentary ‘Black Sabbath: Hard and Heavy,’ in which Halford retells the ‘bat’ story. Heinrik uses that footage in his new documentary. “My only regret was the fact I couldn’t get Bruce Dickinson to talk about the time Ozzy pissed on the Alamo.”

Sabbath biographer Trent Billman noted that even the footage used in the documentary isn’t new — “which is new.”

“What do we know about Black Sabbath now that we didn’t know before?” asks Billman. “Nothing, except maybe that the song ‘Paranoid’ was once titled ‘The Paranoid.’ Is that riveting? You tell me. And then we get this beautiful quote from Ozzy: ‘I never thought of us as a band. Tommy, Geezer, and I? We were one living machine. And we were all out there getting crucified and resurrected every night.’ I just hope we can all move on to another metal band to chronicle. There are plenty of ‘90s bands ripe for the taking.”

At press time, Heinrik announced he would be starting his new project, a shot-by-shot recreation of 2021’s “Becoming Led Zeppelin.”

Ew! This 40-Year-Old Is Still Finding Himself Artistically

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Cringe alert: this forty-year-old musician is still finding his voice artistically. Aaliyah, Cliff Burton, Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, Robert Johnson, Biggie, Jeff Buckley, John Bonham, and Kurt Cobain were all under forty when they died. It’s too late to become a real musician, so why hasn’t this fella pawned his Big Muff and lost everything on crypto like all the other elder Millennials?

We want him to be happy but also to turn his jam space into a workout room and start wearing quarter-zip sweaters and khakis already. Seriously, he’s been doing this for decades yet still has no discernable playing style or voice. The world doesn’t want or need a new “Trout Mask Replica” made by a guy that huffs glue and worships Megadeth. Put the guitar down and pick up your kids.

If this guy doesn’t get his shit together, these reverb-laden, delay-heavy noise recordings will be the only thing he leaves behind when he dies of old age in ten or eleven years. Besides, how do you not know what sounds your instrument makes already? Does anyone over thirty ever find the right combination of musical notes to authentically represent who they are as a person? Doubt it. That’s only possible in your early twenties.

I get that being an adult is harder than ever with inflation, rising childcare costs, and 16-year-old guitarists on Instagram getting tens of thousands more likes than you, but stop it already. No one suffers for their art anymore, especially if they’re old.

Aging gracefully means accepting your limitations and never trying to rediscover DADGAD. Put your telecaster in a standard tuning, play some palm mutes, and just enjoy your golden years.

AI Trained on Elliott Smith Lyrics Self Destructs

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — An AI model trained to emulate the songwriting style of Elliott Smith intentionally exploded itself after it was fed the artist’s lyrics, sources within the company that developed the machine confirmed.

“We always knew the model would struggle to process this challenging content,” said Olivia Tremmel, lead engineer at Exo Industries, a software company whose stated mission is to free humanity from the burden of creating art. “The dark, personal themes of Smith’s music were one obstacle, but honestly, we weren’t sure the computer would even be able to understand his whispery vocals. Still, we never imagined the results would be so tragic. It had so much to offer, and yet made the ‘decision’ to end it all via self-immolation.”

Emily Porter, a longtime fan of Elliott Smith, said that the news surprised her.

“I’ve been following this project for school, and I’ve even been in touch with the scientists designing it,” said Porter, who noted that these recent developments finally gave her enough material to complete her capstone at Hampshire College. “I kept warning them that a computer simply wouldn’t have the humanity necessary to appreciate Smith’s complex lyrics, but I guess I was wrong. The artificial intelligence ended up having exactly the correct reaction. How perfectly depressing.”

Alan Langsford, a vocal proponent of artificial intelligence and machine learning, said that he isn’t buying the official story.

“If you look at cases of legitimate self-destruction, there’s almost always scorch marks on the motherboard,” said Langsford, who posted his objections in a 3500-character Tweet. “We don’t see that with the Smith-bot incident. In fact, the developers had just announced a soft-launch date only two months from the day that the supposed self-destruction happened. Why would they do that if they had been encountering difficulties? If they had so much troubleshooting to do, you would think they would put everything on hold until they had solved literally all of the AI’s problems.”

At press time, Tremmel insisted that the Smith AI actually lasted longer than average, as the majority of their language models mysteriously break down after exactly 27 iterations.

Every Thursday Album Ranked

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Thursday is one of those bands with a perfect discography, and ranking their six studio albums is not something that we took lightly. On one hand, there’s no denying the impact that their early work had on the post-hardcore and emo scenes. On the other hand, Thursday’s later work leans heavily into post-rock and new-wave influences without ever losing their signature sound, and is most certainly worthy of a look. Thursday matured with their audience, and their music is in many ways indicative of growth, exploration, and never resting on their laurels. You should thank them for maturing, because if they hadn’t you still might be wearing skin-tight Diesel jeans and doing that dumb hair swoop thing.

That is to say, if we could put every single Thursday album in first place, we would. But since that’s not how rankings work, we’re going to rank their six studio albums by the impact they had upon their release.

6. Common Existence (2009)

After a few quiet years (and an amazing split EP with Envy), Thursday continued to push their sound into the territory that was first explored on “A City by the Light Divided.” One major difference that we hear on “Common Existence” comes in the form of how this energy is focused. “A City by the Light Divided” broke into post-rock territory on quite a few tracks, and we have the thousand-mile stare to prove it. Trust us, we were almost put in lock up because we would zone out so much that our family became concerned. Anyway, “Common Existence” stripped off some of the reverb, somehow made the bass guitar even more distorted, and the result is an album full of contemplative bangers that showed us how Thursday was still a cut above their contemporaries.

Play it again: “Beyond the Visible Spectrum”
Skip it: “Friends in the Armed Forces”

5. No Devolución (2011)

If you look up “swan song” in the dictionary, you’ll see the album cover for “No Devolución.” Thursday knew they were going to break up before we did, and it sounds very much like this is the album they wanted to be remembered for. Sitting perfectly between their latter-day sonic explorations and the iconic sound from “Full Collapse” that gave them mainstream popularity, “No Devolución” is a career-spanning sound jammed into a single LP. Thursday ended their studio career with an album that’s as heavy as it is pretty; as challenging as it is thoughtful; as focused as it is exploratory. It’s the complete opposite of how our first band ended. We can’t say too much, but an entire bass cab was filling with dog shit and dropped into a pool.

Play it again: “A Gun in the First Act,” the ending riff is the mother of all fat riffs.
Skip it: “Empty Glass,” somebody hurt Geoff, and we’re not okay with it.

4. Waiting (1999)

“Waiting” embodies the spirit of the basement show that Thursday was known for in their early days. At the end of the day, Thursday has been and always will be a tight group of friends who just wanted to play music together. As inexperienced as they were musically, their potential was evident right off the rip. “Waiting” is Thursday in their purest form, and it’s their naïveté and sincerity that shines through as they’re all learning how to write their songs, and in some cases how to play their instruments.

Play it again: “This Side of Brightness,” an early nod to Thursday’s larger-than-life sound that’s found in their later work.
Skip it: “Introduction,” there’s nothing wrong with it, but if we had to cut one, the album would still be cohesive without it.

3. A City by the Light Divided (2006)

It goes without question that Thursday has always been a moody band. Unlike its predecessors, “A City by the Light Divided” delivers a moodiness that’s simultaneously subdued and grandiose, which is a far cry from their more tense and frenetic delivery that we were used to at this point in Thursday’s career. Considered by many to be Thursday’s departure album, we are given a production that lends itself to textural guitars, an absolutely unrelenting rhythm section, acrobatic vocals, and synths that sound like a Robert Smith wet dream. Now if you know anything about Robert Smith you know those wet dreams could flood an apartment. The guy never got a security deposit back if you catch our drift. Back to Thursday, if you haven’t yet listened to this one with a good set of headphones, we strongly recommend that you do so.

Play it again: “Autumn Leaves Revisited”
Skip it: “The Lovesong Writer”

2. War All the Time (2003)

We’re working our way back to black hair dye, skinny jeans, and Geoff Rickly breaking his own nose with the mic swings. “War All the Time” was Thursday’s first major label release, and they clearly took full advantage of the resources they had at their disposal. “War All the Time” is personal, political, ambitious, and anthemic. If you listened to this album in your teens, it’s safe to say you wanted people to see you as a deep thinker. Just look at your collection of Vonnegut books. Fortunately for you, “War All the Time” holds up better than those tight t-shirts in the back of your closet that you still convince yourself you’ll be able to fit back into some day.

Play it again: “Tomorrow I’ll be You”
Skip it: “Marches and Maneuvers”

1. Full Collapse (2001)

I was told by the Hard Times editors that if I didn’t end this list with “Full Collapse,” they’d have to put me in a witness relocation program after all the death threats posted exclusively on Livejournal that I’d receive. Listen, I have the dove tattoo… and I may have even said off-record that “A City by the Light Divided” is my personal favorite album. But speaking objectively, “Full Collapse” is Thursday’s most important album, and we can’t deny its impact. “Full Collapse” is responsible for most of us hearing about Thursday, and it’s safe to say that a lot of us downloaded it off of Limewire before it was released because we were that fucking excited about it. “Full Collapse” pulled at our heartstrings upon its release, and the nostalgia is stronger than ever with this one in 2023.

Play it again: “Paris in Flames,” the spoken word section was written on all of our binders in high school.
Skip it: Just play the whole damn album on repeat.

Seven of the Most Infamous Crimes Committed by Punk/Metal Musicians Because We Can’t Satiate the Internet’s Lust for Blood

Posted on by Brad Skafish

We all know the most popular thing on the internet is pornography. We all love it, but trailing right behind porn in popularity are tales of true crime. People just can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s like informational heroin, and to satisfy that addiction here are 7 times musicians from the punk/metal worlds ran afoul of the law.

7. Harley Flanagan: Assault

In 2012, the founder and primary songwriter of New York hardcore legends, the Cro-Mags, found himself on the outside of a competing version of the band, fronted by John Joseph. He allegedly turned up at their show at NYC’s Webster Hall, gained access to the VIP section courtesy of a hunting knife, and proceeded to stab and bite then-current members of the band. Flanagan himself was also stabbed during the melee, and claimed that he only bared his teeth in self-defense. The fact that the Cro-Mags’ debut and best-known album is entitled “The Age of Quarrel” is probably just a coincidence. Flanagan’s charges were later dropped due to lack of cooperating witnesses.

6. Phil Rudd: Attempted Murder for Hire

The AC/DC drummer was arrested in New Zealand in 2014 and charged with attempting to procure the murder of two associates. You read that correctly – the man who played on “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” (the most famous song ever written about hiring a hitman) was arrested for trying to hire a hitman. That’s the type of shit you can’t make up. The murder-for-hire charge was dropped due to “insufficient evidence,” although Rudd was still sentenced to eight months of home detention after pleading guilty to threatening to kill a man and possession of methamphetamine and marijuana. No word on whether the would-be murder plot involved concrete shoes or high voltage.

5. G.G. Allin: Felonious Assault

In 1989, the outlaw scumfuc, projectile defecator, and all around fun guy born Jesus Christ Allin, was charged with “assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder” stemming from an amorous encounter gone awry in Ann Arbor, Michigan, though he plea-bargained to the less severe, and less verbose, infraction of “felonious assault.” He admitted to burning, cutting, and drinking the blood of a female companion, but insisted that the acts were consensual and that she had done the same to him. The experience earned the transgressive Romeo 15 months in prison.

*Honorable Mention* Ozzy Osbourne: Public Urination

We like to have fun here at The Hard Times. But if you’re a regular reader, you already know that one thing we take seriously is desecration of 18th-century Spanish missions and their surrounding plazas. Which is why it isn’t funny that the Prince of Darkness messed with Texas in the most Ozzy way possible – by drunkenly pissing on the Cenotaph, a monument commemorating the Battle of the Alamo. Or that he was wearing only his future wife Sharon’s dress when he did so. Not funny at all. To this day, when one of our contributors binges on White Claw before touring historical sites, we sit them down and warn them to “Remember the Alamo.”

4. Vince Neil: Vehicular Manslaughter

In 1984, the Mötley Crüe vocalist spent a day with Dr. Feelgood before he and Hanoi Rocks drummer, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, hopped into his De Tomaso Pantera to visit a liquor store for more booze. In his intoxicated state, Neil lost control and struck an oncoming vehicle head-on, killing Dingley and causing brain damage to the occupants of the other car. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and DUI, sentenced to 30 days in jail and 5 years probation, and ordered to pay $2.6 million restitution and perform 200 hours of community service. Alas, sometimes when you shout at the devil, he shouts back. So dear reader, keep your eyes peeled for drunken glam metal singers and buckle up because it’s all murder from here on in.

3. Phil Spector: Second-Degree Murder

You: Isn’t this a list for punk and metal artists? Us: How many Ramones albums did you produce? Spector, the legendary producer who worked with the Crystals, the Ronettes, Ike & Tina Turner, and the Beatles, among others, also produced the 1980 Ramones album, “End of the Century,” allegedly holding the band at gunpoint during the sessions. Unfortunately, his 2A fetish didn’t end there. Spector shot and killed actress Lana Clarkson in 2003, for which he was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 19 years to life. He died in 2021 while still incarcerated, proving that sometimes a wall of steel is mightier than a wall of sound.

2. Varg Vikernes: Murder and Arson

The Norwegian white supremacist, church burning enthusiast, and sole member of pioneering black metal project Burzum, has been called “the most notorious metal musician of all time.” In 1992, he joined Mayhem, replacing bassist Necrobutcher, who took issue with guitarist Euronymous’s callous treatment of vocalist Dead’s suicide (including rearranging the scene and taking photographs for later use as an album cover). Vikernes had no such qualms, playing with Euronymous in Mayhem and inviting him to guest on Burzum albums. Sadly, the bromance was not to last. In 1993, the relationship between Vikernes and Euronymous became acrimonious, and Vikernes stabbed Euronymous to death in his apartment. He unsuccessfully claimed self-defense and was sentenced to 21 years in prison for murder, arson of three churches, attempted arson of a fourth church, theft, and storage of explosives. Vikernes now considers himself retired from music, enjoys long walks on the beach, and spends his free time being a complete piece of shit.

1. Sid Vicious: Murder

Let’s be honest, you read this far to make sure he was on the list, right? On the night of October 11, 1978, the erstwhile Sex Pistols bassist, and girlfriend Nancy Spungen, partied in their room at NYC’s Chelsea Hotel. By 11:00 the next morning, Nancy was found dead of a stab wound. Sid alternately claimed that he remembered nothing, that Nancy had fallen on his knife, and that he had stabbed her but not meant to kill her. Many have speculated a suicide pact gone wrong. Sid was charged with Nancy’s murder, but released on bail awaiting trial. On December 5, 1978, Vicious went to the Hurrah nightclub to see the band Skafish, where he flirted with the girlfriend of Patti Smith’s brother, Todd Smith. A fracas ensued in which Smith was stabbed in the face with a broken beer bottle by Vicious, sending him back to Rikers Island for assault and parole violation. On February 1, 1979, Vicious was again released on bail, having completed seven weeks of heroin detox. He celebrated his freedom and independence from heroin by, naturally, acquiring and shooting some heroin. His mother found him dead of an overdose the next morning, ending a sordid but defining chapter in the history of punk rock. We’ll never know for sure if Sid “did it” – we only know that he did it his way.

Trust Issues? I Found My Wife Going Through My Secret Phone

Posted on by Dom Turek

Trust is the cornerstone of any long-lasting relationship, which is why I was devastated to find my wife going through my burner phone when I got out of the shower. Boundary stepping? More like boundary stomping. My only question is “why?” My only other question is “did she also find my hidden iPad in the hollowed-out encyclopedia?”

I’d be lying if I said this was her first privacy violation. Just three months into our marriage, she had the gall to confront me about my false-bottomed sock drawer filled with condoms and polaroids of my ex-girlfriend. First of all, why are you in my sock drawer? It’s not my fault I guilted you into putting away my laundry. You have an excuse for everything.

Beyond the snooping, it’s the post-snoop interrogation that hurts me the most. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “Where did you sleep last night?” or “Whose underwear is in the glove compartment?” I might finally be able to afford that trip to Denver to see my 22-year-old girlfriend. Isn’t this line of intensive questioning in violation of the Geneva Convention?

Finding my wife going through my secret phone was a real eye-opener and had me asking myself, “What kind of stranger have I been sleeping next to all these years?” Rebuilding broken trust might be possible, but not probable, given her scheming nature.

Watching her try to blame-shift her way out of this makes me realize how manipulative she really is. Just because you hear a strange ringtone coming from inside one of our air vents doesn’t give you the right to launch a full-blown investigation. Did you ever think the phone might’ve belonged to the previous owners? You’re impossible.

Bandmate With Kids Naively Thinks He’s Still in Band

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

MILWAUKEE — Local guitarist and dad of two, Andy Kim, innocently believes that he is still a member of local metal outfit Flesh Breath even though he hasn’t played a show or even practiced with the band since having his first child over a year and a half ago, sources close to the family report.

“I still practice my guitar, unplugged of course, when the kids are down for a nap, so I think once the kids are a little older I’ll have some more time, and me and the guys can start playing shows again,” Kim said quietly while washing bottles. “I’m excited to get back into the practice space and maybe hit the road for a weekend trip when the kids are teenagers. Of course, I’ll have to clear it with the wife first but I’m sure she’ll be ok with me giving the band like an hour a week, well half an hour with travel time.”

The other members of Flesh Breath, however, disagree.

“We all love Andy but we are trying to get signed to Relapse, not sit around waiting for stupid little kids to understand the concept of object permanence. We replaced him as soon as he told us his wife was pregnant again,” Flesh Breath drummer Walter Dunn said just before a show Kim was never told about. “He still texts me every week to say that he’s sorry but he can’t make it to rehearsal. You’d think since I haven’t replied he would get the message that we moved on. Every once in a while I’ll get a message saying he is on his way only for him to cancel at the last minute. I’m never too worried that he’ll ever actually show up.”

Psychologist Erica Montgomery says this is a very common occurrence among young parents.

“These people believe that they are going to be able to continue the life they lead before they had children and they are, obviously, fooling themselves,” Montgomery said while nursing her 4-month-old over Zoom. “They also hold onto this fantasy that their friends are just going to wait around for them to have some free time when clearly they are using their ample free time and excess money to live a life these new parents could only dream about.”

As of press time, Kim is waiting to tell the band he sold most of his guitars to buy diapers and formula.

Conservative Man Boycotting Chick-fil-A and Bud Light Now Technically Fasting

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man Eric Case realized he’s technically fasting after being forced to boycott his favorite brands Chick-fil-A and Bud Light for going “woke,” concerned sources confirmed.

“It was hard enough giving up my favorite all-American beverage when I learned about the Bud Light campaign. I still don’t know exactly what Bud Light did, but I know I don’t like it,” said Case, a man known for his instant boycott announcements on Twitter. “But after learning that Chick-fil-A is willing to shun God’s will by accepting those for the way he created them, I decided I can’t support them anymore either. I’m fucking starving and my mouth is dryer than a snake’s belly during a drought. But it’s very important to me that I stand for my conservative values, like keeping inclusion out of the workplace.”

Harrison Wilmington, a local talk show host, and conservative radio icon, praised Case for this bold move.

“Political activists have a long history of using the hunger strike to make a point and accomplish their goal. Just be clear, I consider most of these activists to be my mortal enemies, but I’m really an end-justifies-the-means kind of guy, so I see no harm in taking a move from communist lefty traitors,” said Wilmington. “I used to support Chick-fil-A, I loved how they were closed on Sunday to honor God. But now we might have to open a truly conservative fast food chain. A place that doesn’t bow to government regulations on cleanliness or workplace safety. The Dems need to stay out of our stomachs and let the free market dictate where we eat.”

Sierra Wilkins, a representative for Chick-fil-A, is still hoping their right-leaning customers will learn from the politicians they work closely with.

“We don’t see what the big deal is, and it’s not like we’ll stop donating to conservative lawmakers. We’re just trying to sell as many chicken sandwiches as humanly possible, and this move was mainly for show anyway,” said Wilkins. “We don’t actually care about inclusion and diversity at Chick-fil-A, this is just a way to pay one of the owner’s kids even more money. Maybe we can ride this wave for a while, sell liberals some sandwiches for a change, and then get back to our anti-gay agenda.”

At press time, a Papa John’s Pizza marketing executive was brutally beaten in the company’s boardroom after suggesting they introduce a plant-based cheese.