10 Closing Tracks That Gloriously Fuck Up Near Perfect Albums

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We sadly know that the full-length LP is dead in the water during the year of our lord known as 2023 (and all years moving forward) due to the world’s utter lack of an attention span. However, long before streaming angrily and viciously shot the album in the back of the head, these songs murdered said records right in front of their own eyes. FYI: We love all of these albums (apart from these closing final track snores) and they are not listed in order of best to worst (or otherwise), but rather in an alphabetical format. That’s for you to decide. Sorry, Greg Graffin. Despite this clerical error, we still think you’re smart and shit.

1. Bad Religion “Stranger Than Fiction”

Closing Track: “21st Century (Digital Boy)

Let’s start this list off with the most overrated punk band of all time: Bad Religion. Infected indeed. We will never understand why the band chose to close its major label debut album Stranger Than Fiction with an uninspired cover of their own song (Against the Grain’s “21st Century (Digital Boy)). It makes quite a lame statement, and honestly, that declaration is better off dead.

2. The Beatles “Abbey Road”

Closing Track: “Her Majesty”

Speaking of glorified, we will never understand why the most revered band of all time chose to close its last studio recording with 25 seconds that we will never, ever get back. Honestly, the song is too long and should’ve been edited down into nothing via Maxwell’s Silver Hammer right from the get-go. Her Majesty (R.I.P., but not really) may have been a pretty nice (and slightly racist) girl in the 1960s, but this song is a stinker. It’s just isn’t fucking good or fucking funny, and stands out in the worst way as the previous sixteen tracks showcase incredible growth, musicianship and melodies for The Fab Four. Fuck The Beatles. The End.

3. Boyz II Men “II”

Closing Track: “Yesterday”

Back to The Beatles, the true Fab Four consisting of brothers Nathan and Wanya Morris, Shawn Stockman, and a dude with a cane put their own shitty stamp on the most covered song of all time, The Beatles’ snoozer “Yesterday”. We have one word to ask on bended knee, “Why?” No thank you!

4. Green Day “Dookie”

Closing Track: “All By Myself”

We’re coming clean here: Bonus/hidden tracks count as the true closing tracks of an album. Don’t @ us. And seriously, isn’t one song about masturbation (“Longview”) enough for this record? Don’t answer that. Oh yeah, did we mention, Tre Cool should just beat other things (the drums) and shut his fucking mouth.

5. Green Day “Warning”

Closing Track: “Macy’s Day Parade”

WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT. Green Day chose to end its most ambitious album (at the time) via a Macy’s corporate sponsorship. We heard that they took a seven-figure check for said endorsement; bitches. Talk about some sell-out shit and a pop disaster. Punk rock sadly died in a pool of blood, sex, and booze via Green Day’s second mention in this brilliant piece.

6. Jimmy Eat World “Clarity”

Closing Track: “Goodbye Sky Harbor”

Jimmy Eat World’s most revered album ended with an ambitious​ sixteen-minute-and-eleven-second song named after a stupid goddamn airport. Many (privately, of course; you don’t want to disrespect anything off of “Clarity” publicly or the emo gods will harm you and yours) scoff at the song’s long length, but we honestly think that it works as a demo that could have been extended. Honestly, the track should have had more bleeps and bloops for at least sixteen more minutes. Then the album wouldn’t have gotten them dropped from Capitol Records and we could’ve avoided the fucking middle.

7. Jud Jud “X the Demos X”

Closing Track: “X Turn Around Song X”

FYI: Compilation albums count too, especially ones from the beautiful and righteous state known as Florida! This series of hardcore 7” morphed into one monumental and sterling eight-minute-and-fifty-three-second album that transcended what an a capella straight edge music power duo could truly rise to. Subsequently, Jud Jud would never receive the mainstream success that it so desperately craved. We solely blame “X Turn Around Song X,” a schlocky shitbag uninspired wreck of a song that cancels out the eight brilliant compositions that came before it. Seriously, just listen to its lyrics! What a divebomb. No tolerance for instruments over here.

8. Semisonic “Feeling Strangely Fine”

Closing Track: “Gone to the Movies”

Why the fuck did Semisonic choose to close this platinum release with this corny little ditty and NOT the anthemic and gorgeous “Closing Time”? Fastball should totally beat their asses.

9. The Suicide Machines “Battle Hymns”

Closing Track: “Jah”

“Jah” is the only song in Detroit’s ska-punk warriors’ catalog that is even stupider than their actual fucking band name. For a frame of reference, The Suicide Machines’ epic three-second ballad “Punck” from this same album is practically “Bohemian Rhapsody” when one compares it to “Jah.” Also, “Punck” should get more public love for its bold and unapologetic statement of defiance to the masses. We are not sure exactly how much Hollywood Records spent on the production, mixing, and mastering of Battle Hymns’ final track “Jah,” but we know that the band will never recoup one second of the four-second butt-stain, let alone the entire tune.

10. Weezer “Pinkerton”

Closing Track: “Butterfly”

This one is gonna ruffle some wings, but we did what our body told us to. Weezer’s commercial and critical sophomore LP failure known as “Pinkerton” eventually became their most revered record, but it never would have bombed so glamorously if the album closed out with its second-to-last song “Falling For You.” Even the band’s reclusive singer Rivers Cuomo knows that song is truly whack, and he croons it apologetically thrice at the song’s end, showcasing that he is more than self-aware that he shat the bed with this one.

Summer Break Forces Gun Store Owners to Prepare For Slow Season

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BROUSSARD, La. — Gun store owners across the country reported the need to cut costs as summer break ushers in the start of a decline in business that lasts until school starts again, multiple freedom-loving sources confirmed.

“Every June it’s the same story. We sell a couple rifles to some guys hunting game, but our assault weapons just sit on the shelf collecting dust. I tried offering discounts to anyone who can prove they’re forced to go to summer school, but those kids always end up going to the military where they get all the guns they want for free,” said Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo owner Jim Ainsley. “I’d love to take a vacation and just close up shop for two months, but a lot of the local cops love to come here and drink a few tall boys out back during their shift.”

Social outcast Damon Lewis says he has taken advantage of summer clearance since his freshman year of high school.

“A lot of states still have bullshit age limits on weapons, but this time of year most shop owners are so desperate for cash that they will look the other way. I’ve got my eye on some hollow point bullets and body armor that I can probably get for 50% off,” said Lewis from his parent’s basement. “Last year I got an IWI Tavor X95 for a fucking steal. It sort of frustrates me how much they jack the price up on these things when school is in session. If Congress actually wants to do something about gun sales they should look into mid-school year price gouging, that’s the real crime.”

NRA president Carolyn D. Meadows is optimistic that munitions suppliers will be able to weather a down economy and bounce back in September.

“When our members ask ‘What does the NRA do for me?’ I have to remind them that we have an army of people posting on message boards to radicalize high schoolers into becoming 2nd Amendment patriots,” said Meadows while drafting legislation she will force multiple members of the House to pass. “Today’s losers are tomorrow’s customers. We have trained experts letting these kids know they can go down in history, and all these eventual domestic terrorists like to buy locally.”

At press time, Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo placed a bucket of handguns on the sidewalk with a “Free” sign in order to get rid of dead inventory.

Father’s Day Carolers on Porch Belting Out Breathtaking Renditions of Thin Lizzy Songs

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MUNCIE, Ind. — A group of Dickensian-garbed Father’s Day carolers were reportedly seen going door-to-door singing particularly beautiful covers of Thin Lizzy songs in honor of the holiday, misty-eyed sources confirmed.

“It was damn near one of the prettiest things I’ve ever heard in my life. I was just out back tossing a couple flank steaks onto the Weber, when the sweet strains of ‘Cowboy Song’ started calling to me from the porch,” said local dad Warren Szelkowski. “I don’t know if it was the charcoal or the memory of the great Phil Lynott, but I was bawling like a baby once they got to their ‘Johnny the Fox’ medley. I just hope the fellas from the block association didn’t see and bust my stones over it next meeting.”

Other family members were reportedly more puzzled, clashing with the enthusiasm of the neighborhood fathers.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad so moved. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel a little peculiar, him being so vulnerable for the first time in years and whatnot. Whatever makes him happy, I guess,” said Szelkowski’s 15-year-old son Reese. “At one point the group of carolers started walking away like they were finished, but they just hid in the bushes for a few minutes until dad asked for an encore. Then they sang the ‘Boys Are Back in Town.’ Seemed pretty obvious even to me that they were going to do that one, but dad seemed more surprised than he was at his last couple birthdays combined. It’s been a weird day.”

Head caroler Cassandra Windham explained the genesis of the idea.

“For professional carolers, things tend to get a little slow during those 11 non-Christmas months. We decided to give this a try, and boy, did it work! I wish we’d thought of learning a few Chicks numbers back in May for the moms. We’d do a sensational ‘Goodbye Earl,’ that’s a fact. But there’s always next year,” said Windham, as she shuffled sheet music for “Waiting For an Alibi.” “For now, if we can bring a quiver to the lip of just one dad in the tri-county area, it’ll make the payments I still owe on this petticoat get-up more than worth it.”

At press time, the carolers decided to up their dad appeal even more by incorporating a few Three Stooges routines into their choreography.

What We’re Listening To This Week: Dad Rock Edition

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

This week, we’re taking a hard-earned break from devouring the internet whole and spewing the best new music at our readers. Instead, we’re taking some time to honor 50% of the population that is responsible for creating the insufferable people who still make music in this economy: Dads. Because we know the last thing your dad will want to hear on his special day is that new hardcore band you’ve been listening to, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite Dad Rock anthems. When the old man is having trouble getting his Bluetooth to work even though you’ve explained it to him, like, a thousand fucking times, save the day by bumping these jams at the cookout.

Bruce Springsteen “Thunder Road”

Your dad hasn’t been able to ride his motorcycle very often since his sciatic nerve became problematic, which is great because Springsteen mostly sings about driving a beat-up car during this track. Climb in with him as ‘Thunder Road’ speeds you down dusty highways filled with lofty dreams of freedom and hope. Ideals your father ultimately had to abandon to pay your way through art school. Don’t worry if you see a single tear roll down his cheek during this track. It’s probably just the pollen.

The Clash “Rock The Casbah”

Believe it or not, but your old man used to be a bit of a ‘punker’ himself back in the seventies. Of course, you know that means he owned a jean jacket and liked one of the Clash’s most commercially successful singles. Still, him bringing it up is one of his weird little ways of relating to you, so it’s best to just lean into it. Pop this one on and try not to bring up politics or the fact that, contrary to your dad’s belief, the band is singing the Sanskrit word ‘sharif’ instead of cheekily pronouncing ‘sheriff’ in the chorus.

Jackson Browne “Runnin’ On Empty”

Your dad was probably literally 17 in 1965 and subsequently 21 in 1969, so this song is basically his biography. This might feel like a depressing song to throw on, with all its themes of wasted youth and whatnot, but chances are your paternal figure wouldn’t trade the family he has built over the years for anything in the world. Except, of course, his younger waistline, financial freedom, and the ability to travel the open road without care or responsibility.

Steely Dan “Reelin’ In The Years”

The writer who recommended this absolute classic claims that he doesn’t really listen to Steely Dan, but we all know he’s lying. He’s a literal dad, and loving Steely Dan comes with the designation. Also, are we supposed to pretend that hearing the silky main riff in this song doesn’t immediately make one a lifelong fan of the band? We know who isn’t pretending, and it’s your father, who has been ‘reelin’ in the years’ since before you were even born.

Thin Lizzy “The Boys Are Back In Town”

‘Oh heck yeah! You breaking out the Lizz?’ your dad may gleefully exclaim when this one barrels out of the Bluetooth speaker you bought him for Christmas but just took out of the box before the barbeque. It’s best to line this one up as he finishes his third White Claw (he likes those now because that’s what the ‘kids are into’). That way he’ll be fully committed to playing air guitar throughout the whole bridge. Queue it up with his fourth hard seltzer and he might even sing it!

Creedence Clearwater Revival “Fortunate Son”

Even though your dad probably voted for both H.W. and W., he sure does love this scathing protest anthem from everyone’s favorite California Bayou dwellers, CCR. Like many of his generation, he might find the song a bit more patriotic than it actually is. It’s understandable considering how many war movies it has soundtracked in addition to John Fogerty’s unintelligible drawl. Still, arguments about unjustified conflicts are best left for Thanksgiving.

Rupert Holmes “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”

Perhaps one of the most Dad-Rock-worthy songs we’ve been spinning this week, ‘Escape’ tells the goofiest story of rekindling a long stale love we’ve ever heard. Relationships are tough, and no one understands it more than your pa and Rupert Holmes. Boundaries are important to set in any relationship, so be firm but kind when you inevitably have to stop the man who raised you from explaining in gruesome detail how he and your mother have recently been getting into role-play.

Eagles “Take It Easy”

This song is full of all sorts of useless advice that your father has probably given you over the years. Stressed about work? ‘Take it easy.’ Your anxiety has been getting worse in an increasingly hellish capitalist society? ‘Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.’ Absolute nothing-burgers coming from a man lucky enough to be born into a world where a minimum-wage job could land him a house. Still, it’s probably not his fault you’re not successful (his words), so let him have a little fun. It’s nice out and no one likes a downer.

Jim Croce “Operator (That’s Not The Way It Feels)”

Remember when we said you should save the Thin Lizzy track for your dad’s third drink? You might need to save this one for your sixth or seventh. No one gets to the core of your pop’s swollen heart quite like the musical stylings of the mustachioed Jim Croce. Within the first few seconds of this track, things will surely get misty. Your dad will almost certainly tell you that while he loves your mother, he can’t help but think about how life could have been if things worked out with that summer fling in college.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young “Teach Your Children”

Like the song says, ‘the parent’s hell will slowly go by,’ which is a reality your dad has long mentioned in turbulent times. This song is ultimately about bridging generational gaps and mending misunderstandings between child and parent. Dads eat this shit up. Even though yours will likely use this track as an excuse to talk about how much harder his generation had it, you’ll at least have a soothing backdrop while attempting not to roll your eyes and ‘ruin the family get-together.’

Hey Dad I Got You a Pack of Cigarettes for Father’s Day! You Can Come Home Now!

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Hey Dad, I know it’s been about 9 years since I last saw you but if you are out there I have something to tell you:

Happy Father’s Day!

Guess what? I got you that pack of cigarettes you’ve been looking for! You know what that means? You can come home now!

Man, 9 years ago when you went out to buy that pack of cigarettes we were so upset. I cried myself to sleep countless nights wondering where you’d gone but I vowed that when I was old enough I’d go out and find that pack for you so you could come home.

I know the past decade has probably been hard for you. I mean me, Mom and Andy have had a rough time of it too, with Mom’s constant cycle of alcoholism and stream of unhinged boyfriends. But I know it’s probably been way worse for you! I mean, a pack of cigarettes so elusive you’ve been looking for years? That must have been tough.

While you’ve been away kids at school have been making fun of me for, “not having a dad.” But I told them you were like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, going on a treacherous quest and when the time was right you would return home. And now is that time! I got you that pack of Lucky Strike’s you’ve been searching for all these years.

Related: What Your Favorite Black Flag Singer Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

So come on home and have a smoke, Daddy! We need to catch up! I can tell you about all my ballgames you missed, and you can tell me why you didn’t just head to the gas station down the street for a pack of smokes like I did.

I miss you!

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

You can come home now and we can be a family again!

What are you waiting for!? Dad? Alright, I’m sure you’re just busy like you were during all those school plays. I understand. Just let me know when you get here.

Did your dad leave for a pack of cigarettes and never come back? Let us know in the comments!

Exclusive Text From Dad Reveals Job “You Should Maybe Think About Applying For”

Posted on by Ryan Sims

PHILADELPHIA – Local Burnout John Parker admitted he wasn’t surprised to receive an exclusive text from his dad today offering a job that he should “maybe think about applying for,” confirmed sources close to the father/son pair.

“I got a few broken links before he finally just sent a poorly-framed screenshot of the listing itself,” said Parker from his childhood bedroom. “I told him I’m not interested. I’m not taking career advice from a guy whose last job interview was in 1993. Getting a job is the only thing my dad ever talks about. I never get a text like, ‘Hey, how are you? Do you wanna throw the ball around in the yard for a bit?’’ It’s always, ‘Hey, did you see the UPS is hiring for the night shift?’ I don’t need a job anyway, I have my own ways of making money. My Tiktok skits are really starting to get a lot of traction.”

Family patriarch Jim Parker, was happy to speak on the benefits of the prospective job.

“I don’t see what’s so bad about sorting parcels and loading trucks for the UPS,” said the father of three defensively. “I mean, a good paying job, healthcare, I think you even get federal holidays off, what more could you want? A dream job you’re passionate about? You find me a dream job that contributes to a 401k. The other huge benefit, for me anyway, is that he won’t be in my goddamn house all the time. By the way, you guys all should apply too. For every job referral I send them I get a voucher for Hello Fresh.”

UPS hiring director Hank Stevens spoke on their current hiring struggles.

“The more soul-crushing the job is, the more likely it is their dad told them to apply,” Stevens explained. “Dad applications are a real problem, we estimate about a third of applicants are only doing it to appease their parents. It’s pretty easy to tell. Like this one right here, under ‘Why are you interested in a career with UPS?’ this candidate wrote, ‘To get my dad off my fucking back., and because I heard you don’t do drug tests’ then wrote out the link to his Soundcloud. Not exactly the attitude we’re looking for. Although I have to admit, we’re getting desperate. Just the other day I caught myself asking my nine-year-old if she’s happy with her current career path.”

A few hours after begrudgingly filling out the job application, Parker received an exclusive text from his mother asking why they never talk.

Ska Dad Thrilled to Get Another Tie for Father’s Day

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

BALA CYNWYD, Pa. — Local ska fan and dad of two Curt Kopicki was overjoyed after receiving a tie as a Father’s Day gift from his children for the tenth year in a row, confirmed sources who were glad they didn’t have to spend too much money on it.

“I’m not a scotch-drinking, barbecuing, golfing fisherman, so Father’s Day gift options are limited,” Kopicki said while putting on some Mustard Plug to celebrate the occasion. “But the kids got me a checkerboard tie, you can never have enough of those. Classic. It’s going to go perfectly with my checkerboard suspenders, checkerboard Vans, and checkerboard trilby hat. I think I’ll make the tie’s debut at the Supernova Ska Festival! It’ll definitely impress the merch guys.”

Kopicki’s children were relieved that the present garnered such a positive reaction despite not putting in too much thought.

“The tie was on clearance at Kohl’s for 85% off so it was a no-brainer, but I’d never seen Dad so happy,” said 19-year-old son Neville Kopicki. “His birthday is coming up, but it’ll be hard to top Christmas when we commissioned his favorite cartoonist, Evan Dorkin, to recreate the album cover of ‘American Ska-thic Volume 2.’ My sister Pauline and I are thinking of pooling our money to get him a Cameo from the dancing guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It’ll be totally worth the 15 bucks.”

The aging demographic of ska fans has helped keep independent record labels afloat.

“I would have folded the label years ago, but the kids who bought our records in the ‘90s now have kids who know nothing about ska, except that their parents love it,” said Starry Records owner Jeff Wildman. “Every holiday season, they clear us out. Vinyl and cassette reissues, even pins with just the word ‘ska’ on them. And Father’s Day is our biggest money-making time of the year. Let’s just say, we’re always stocked full of Reel Big Fish limited releases come June.”

At press time, Kopicki shed a tear after he also received a t-shirt from his children that read “World’s Greatest Ska Fan.”

MAGA Rapper’s Version of “Fuck The Police” Mainly About Having Sex With Cops

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LAKE WORTH, Fla. — MAGA rapper Sean “Yung BilDaWall” Russell paid tribute to police officers the world over with his unique rendition of the NWA Classic “Fuck Tha Police” in which he expresses the desire to engage in intercourse with cops, several boot-breathed sources report.

“As a true patriot, and an OG voice of the Trump-centric hip-hop movement, I feel it’s my duty to let our nation’s police know we’re out here supporting, and longing to make sweet, passionate love to them,” Yung BilDaWall explained while packing a can of chewing tobacco. “The idea came to me after I was pulled over for drunkenly plowing over nine mailboxes in a row with my pickup. When that officer asked me to step out of my vehicle, I muttered to myself, ‘pucker up, show yer stuff, officer, I wanna lay you in the bed of my truck,’ I knew this song would go down in MAGA rap history and I’d get off with a verbal warning. God bless America.”

Yung BilDaWall superfan Dylan Jackson expresses his belief that MAGA rap is the music that patriots like himself crave.

“This new wave of anti-woke, pro-patriot rappers are out here doing the good lord’s work,” Jackson said. “Their music addresses the issues we country folk relate to the most. Things like working hard, drinking ice cold beer, and the urge we have to walk up to every cop we see and give them one sincere, ‘I love you. Please hold me in your arms.’ For freedom, liberty, and Donald Trump. We got yer six, officers. And we hate to see you go, but most definitely love watching you walk away.”

Music historian Charles Drake says the MAGA trend that has plagued rap music doesn’t just end with that genre alone.

“MAGA Republicans have caused such a combustible atmosphere in our society, it’s no wonder so many musicians are incorporating its influences into their music,” Drake said while pointing out the irony that Trump doesn’t even like music. “For example, the notorious MAGA-metal band Xenophobia has been causing a stir in the scene. Mainly because they’ve become the entire laughing stock of the genre, but it seems like they’re too thick-headed to understand that, even by metalhead standards.”

At press time, Yung BilDaWall was spotted working out some bars for his love song tribute towards former President Donald Trump entitled, “Our Love Don’t Have Term Limits.”

Every The Juliana Theory Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

The Juliana Theory are part groundbreaking melodic emo and part New Kids on the Block. The band was able to “popify” ’90s emo in a way that didn’t detract from the best parts of the genre. They deserve at least some of the credit that often goes solely to The Get Up Kids for influencing the sound of 2000s pop punk/emo. Plus, I bet TJT would take that compliment a lot better than Matt Pryor does.

The Juliana Theory evolved their sound over time and made some great rock’n’roll-meets-emo records on the back half of their initial run as a band. Recently, the band reformed as a duo, consisting of the two members who clearly had ownership of the band name.

So without further ado, we ranked all of The Juliana Theory albums and we’re still not sure if they’re a Christian band.

5. A Dream Away (2021)

After reforming, Brett Detar and Joshua Fielder released this album consisting of one new song and an acoustic/folk/orchestral “reimagining” of many TJT classics. It’s a great listen for diehard fans who want to hear a softer version of songs they love. In general, however, it’s only just okay. And since it’s full of beloved songs, that’s not the best endorsement. It doesn’t ruin the songs at least. It sounds more like a YouTuber doing genre-swap videos. Alex Melton could have crushed this is all I’m saying. The beginning of the video for “We’re at the Top of the World” is pretty sweet though. I won’t spoil it, so definitely check it out. “A Dream Away” showcases how well-written some of these songs are. Personally, my biggest takeaway from this record is that I’m dying for an entire album of different versions of “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”

Play it again: “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”
Skip it: “Better Now”

4. Love (2003)

Eternally beloved by some, bitterly hated by others. This is Juliana Theory’s most controversial record. It’s likely due to the combination of its ’90s alt-rock influence and the fact that TJT’s third record had to follow up two melodic emo albums that were way ahead of their time. “Do You Believe Me” is an undeniable hit regardless, and the album has grown on many fans over the years. Unfortunately, a lot of tracks on this record really feel phoned in. It’s almost as if the band felt like they were at the top of the world and coasted after the success of that super poppy song from “Emotion is Dead.”

Play it again: “Do You Believe Me”
Skip it: “The Hardest Things”

3. Deadbeat Sweetheart (2005)

Talk about a fucking sleeper hit album. The Juliana Theory figured out the perfect mix of emo and alternative rock on “Deadbeat Sweetheart.” The energy and raw sound of a band rocking out in one room are captured beautifully on this record. Unfortunately, this was in the twilight of the band’s stint in mainstream relevancy so the record didn’t get the chance it deserved. Fortunately, they didn’t “reimagine” any of these gut-punch masterpieces as toothless, whimpering acoustic tracks on their latest album. Don’t get me wrong, toothless and whimpering are great qualities for an acoustic emo track, just not for these songs. If you were a Juliana Theory fan who passed over this one, go back and give it another chance. Especially songs like “Shotgun Serenade,” “Leave Like a Ghost (Drive Away),” and “My Heart is a Soldier.”

Play it again: “My Heart is a Soldier” (particularly the last minute, holy shit)
Skip it: “French Kiss Off”

2. Understand This Is A Dream (1999)

This album is far more influential than it gets credit for. Often, 2000s emo/pop punk bands will cite The Get Up Kids and A New Found Glory (back when they had the “A” in their name) as early influences. One listen to “Understand This Is A Dream” and it’s clear TJT has a place in the Mount Rushmore of bands that inspired the soundtrack to many teens’ 2000s. The fourth spot goes to “I hate myself” by the way. The songs are pretty pitchy and recorded a little loose, which is PERFECT for the genre mix on this album. The slower tracks helped lay the blueprint for the exact type of “emo ballad” that you can still hear in emo and emo-adjacent genres to this day. Check out any early Juliana Theory live recordings you can find to hear these songs at their absolute best.

Play it again: “Constellation”
Skip it: “The Closest Thing”

1. Emotion Is Dead (2000)

So… who’s ready to cry? “Emotion Is Dead” is a non-stop emotional campfire singalong over catchy melodies and earworm hooks. It incorporates even more elements into their sound that countless 2000s emo bands would adopt such as carefully placed screams. TJT plays with structure, harmony, and time signature on this record, with a pop sensibility that nearly no bands in their genre could match at the time. While it would seem to be a cruel fate that the bands this record helped inspire would vastly eclipse TJT in a few short years, at least the band can rest easy knowing their importance in helping shape a mainstream musical revolution that would eventually make “alternative” music the norm. Ya know, or they can rehash their old stuff and tour as half a band. Either way.

Play it again: “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”
Skip it: “We’re Nothing Without You”

Nothing Happened Today, Not A Single Bit of News to Cover, so Here Are All of PUP’s Music Videos Ranked

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

MTV had it all figured out during the ‘80s and ‘90s. The music video is the ideal art form, the one that stands atop all other creative endeavors. While MTV has forgotten that core truth of the world, PUP has not. Let’s be absolutely clear here, PUP has no bad music videos. But, we’ve been assigned by higher powers to rank them, so it’s our heavenly duty to do so. It also gives us a chance to blow off work, which is much more enticing than the whole chosen by God thing. Anyway, enough talking, let’s get into it!

Honorable Mentions:

“My Shadow” (Jay Reatard Cover)

In what would become their second music video released, the band pays tribute to Jay Reatard with an exhilarating performance filmed in black and white. This was both an exhibition of PUP’s amazing live shows and a reality check for us, after realizing we were out of breath just watching the video.

“It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”

Released late 2020, this Charly Bliss + PUP collaboration was a well-needed pick-me-up after the shitshow of a year society went through. Unfortunately, a few years later, everything still sucks and the novelty of Zoom has turned into the monotony of hearing your boss passive-aggressively ask if you can turn your camera on.

20.” PUPTHEBAND Is Filing For Bankruptcy”

While this compilation of Instagram stories and vertically shot videos showcase the band’s energetic live shows, we’re putting it dead last on our list. Partly because the other 19 music videos are better but mostly because we’re still pissed off that our extremely grainy footage of Nestor’s shoes didn’t make the final cut.

19. “Morbid Stuff”

We know what you’re thinking. You think that the music video for Morbid Stuff is the same as PUPTHEBAND Is Filing For Bankruptcy and you’re wondering why this is placed higher. First of all, thank you for taking this list as seriously as we are. Secondly, PUP handed out shitty camcorders to audience members to film their set in London, which is already much cooler than the previous entry. Also, they filmed horizontally this time, which is the correct way.

18. “Back Against the Wall”

The last two entries showed viewers what a PUP show is like from the audience, but what if you wanted to see the show from the perspective of a 12-foot omniscient being hovering over the shoulders of the band? Well, you’re in luck because that’s what you’ll find here, along with an electrifying timelapse of the band loading up their tour van. What more could you ask for?

17. “Lionheart”

There’s a lot happening in this video. You may be asking, “Why is there duct tape on the couch?”. We don’t know, maybe somebody invited a Korn fan to the party and he punched a hole in the couch instead of shattering his hand on the brick wall. There’s a lot of uncertainty, but what we do know is that basement definitely smells like someone who uses sawdust as deodorant.

16. “Robot Writes a Love Song”

Just when you thought there were enough love songs in the world, PUP hits us with a video with two human-like beings with digital screen cubes for heads falling in love. And then losing that love because of society, man. It’s fucked up, that’s why we here at The Hard Times are pro-computer sex. Go ahead, link those dongles, we won’t tell.

15. “Sibling Rivalry”

Ah siblings, we all have them. Well, unless you’re an only child. Maybe you should’ve been a better kid so your parents would’ve had another. Anyway, this is a heartwarming music video that mixes a lot of art styles to depict the adventures lead singer Stefan Babcock and his sister have been through together. Maybe send this to your sibling, see if they’ll forgive you for the time you put ketchup in their lotion bottle.

14. “Free At Last”

Before anyone knew what it sounded like, PUP asked their fans to cover this song using only a basic chord chart and lyrics. The end result? “The Free At Last” music video, featuring 253 submissions that cover a wide variety of genres. The only thing that’s missing is that one anonymous asshole on the internet who says he could’ve done way better, but never actually uploaded any proof of him doing any better.

13. “If This Tour Doesn’t Kill You, I Will”

In this music video, we see the band engage in a gory free-for-all featuring a broken beer bottle, third-degree burns, and an intense hatred for each other. Most prominently, we see the Canadian healthcare system at work, fixing the band members up so they can go fight again. This is why American bands have famously never hated each other, because they can’t let out their anger with their bandmates without racking up serious debt.

12. “Totally Fine”

This is a fun one, especially if you’re a fan of pausing the video every second to read the fine print. If you don’t like doing that, you might miss out on seeing, “…metaphysical pit of abstract salacity or prurient erotic frottage” written on the stenograph. Sure, we have no idea what any of that means, but we were able to sound it out and that’s half the battle. Regardless, the video is full of hilarious text and is well worth the watch.

11. “Anaphylaxis”

Move over Manchester by the Sea and Puss in Boots, PUP perfected the art of depicting a panic attack better than Hollywood ever could. Like the title suggests, the main character is severely allergic to bees and rightfully freaks the fuck out after getting stung. The video itself was made using claymation, which proves PUP is able to conquer all mediums.

10. “See You At Your Funeral”

We like this video because we like horror. It’s really that simple. There’s also a dog dressed as a mummy, how could you not like that? And if you’re looking for something on the scarier side, don’t worry! There are brain-eating ghouls, gory smoothies, and worst of all, actual life advice that could help better yourself and get you out of the continuous loop of despair from years and years of learned helplessness. Oh, and there’s also zit popping if you’re still not shitting your pants.

9. “Dark Days”

If there’s one lesson to learn from PUP music videos, it’s that the tour life is fucking hard. In this wonderfully animated video, we see the band struggle through hangovers, a broken van window, and a fight with a Dutch bouncer. So, next time you’re upset they’re adamantly against encores, shut the fuck up and be grateful they even showed up.

8. “Mabu”

Featuring a nearly indestructible passenger side window, Norman the chameleon, and a call for a posthumous Amy Winehouse presidency campaign, PUP will force you to the edge of tears over a beat-up Toyota Camry’s last rodeo in a demolition derby. Maybe now you’ll think twice about trading yours in and take the chance of having permanent neck pain.

7. “Matilda”

Here’s another one about saying goodbye to an inanimate object, but this time it’s a guitar named Matilda. We see multiple people sell sentimental items to make some money to presumably pay for some capitalist bullshit like apartment application fees. It’s a pretty bleak video, until we see a young customer in a Phoebe Bridgers costume pluck a string on Matilda which makes the shop come alive with color.

6. “Guilt Trip”

We can’t talk about PUP music videos without mentioning Finn Wolfhard. Before he landed that big music video for Weezer and some small indie thing on Netflix, Finn portrayed a young Babcock meeting his future bandmates for the first time. It’s a really great video that shows how strong the bond is between the band. They also kill a cop for being a dick with mutton chops, so that’s pretty cool too.

5. “Reservoir”

PUP came out of the gates running with their first music video with broken drumsticks, broken glasses, and broken bones. There’s also a glimpse of the great community PUP has fostered at their shows. There are audience members helping out Zack on drums, soloing for Steve, and even resuscitating Stefan using a defibrillator. Although not an ideal scenario, it’s definitely much better than the usual audience participation tactics lesser bands rely on.

4. “DVP”

Look, we’re not complete nerds like the guys from Hard Drive, but we’ve played our fair share of video games too. Even if you’ve never played any of these retro games, you can still admire the project, which was led by frequent PUP collaborator Jeremy Schaulin-Rioux. Little known fact, the alternate ending for the recently released Mario movie can be found at 1:02, where Mario essentially tells Princess Peach to kick rocks.

3. “Sleep in the Heat”

A few years after the events of Guilt Trip, Finn Wolfhard makes his triumphant return to the PUP cinematic universe in this heart wrenching music video about losing a pet. It’s a very emotional video and it’s clear why fans love it so much. We’re crying because of the thousands and thousands of similar stories being shared in the comments, but also because this was released in 2016, which feels like a lifetime ago.

2. “Kids”

This is a pretty special one. Not only are there references to past music videos like the blood pact between Steve and Zach, there are also hints toward future music videos and lyrical themes seen on The Unraveling of PUPTheBand. Or at least that’s what we think, we’re not mind readers here. What we can say is that the band will always be pals, even in an abysmal dystopian future world where pizza is dehydrated.

1. “Old Wounds”

The pinnacle of PUP music videos, and therefore all music videos, is actually not a singular video. Instead, it’s a video game where you play as the band’s tour manager, trying to make sure they get through the night safely. Depending on the route you take, you’ll be facing bears, alien dinosaur creatures, or a drunk Warriors fan. Go on, we give you permission. Tell your boss to fuck off and spend the rest of the afternoon trying to finish all four difficulties.

And there you have it, all of PUP’s music videos ranked for your viewing pleasure. What do you think? Did we get it 100% correct or did we royally fuck it up? Either way, go ahead and yell at us in the comments, it’s okay we can handle it.

Photo by Vladimir.