It’s the summer, which means it’s time for barbecues, good food, and my entire family to be scared shitless because I hijacked the playlist in the backyard and am exclusively playing metalcore from the 2000s. It was about time in music history where someone combined metal and hardcore, but I don’t think my family agrees. Anyway, let’s drop tune those guitars, double up that bass drum pedal, and round up the top 30 songs from that genre that are only scaring the shit out of my immediate and extended family. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. From a Second Story Window “In a River Where You Least Expect It There Will Be Fish” (2003) 

At every family event you must first establish dominance to demonstrate your worth, and there’s no better way to do that than to start off with this intense six-minute onslaught of musical weaponry. From a Second Story Window always comes in handy at wholesome family gatherings.

29. On Broken Wings “I Do My Crosswords In Pen” (2003)

You have to remember that the height of entertainment in the 2000s was Bam Margera punching his dad square in the face on national television in between clips of him doing kickflips and unleashing a live alligator in his parents’ kitchen. Music at the time had to keep up with that intensity. No one knows that better than On Broken Wings. But no one knows that at all like my numbskull family.

28. Shai Hulud “Linoeleum” (2006)

Finally, someone metalcore’d a NOFX song. It’s more raw, heavier, and makes me want to get a second helping of potato salad to avoid the current tension this track seems to be unleashing upon this familial event.

27. Emmure “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” (2007)

If one was so inclined, you can buy boxing gloves with the word “Emmure” written on them in big letters on the band’s website. Just don’t show up to any family event wearing them on your hands unless you want to get asked a bunch of questions about them.

26. Misery Signals “The Year Summer Ended in June” (2004)

You know how moms around the world do that thing where they’re like, “I just don’t understand why they need to do all that screaming?” They’re usually talking about Misery Signals, and those judgements evidently don’t stop at mom. Her sisters, brothers, parents, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews, and family dog all seem to equally share that sentiment.

25. Hopesfall “The End of an Era” (2002)

The first 20 seconds of this track is actually kind of pretty and soothing, which makes my family think the instrumental carnage might be over. But then all of the sudden the screaming and ravenous double bass drum starts happening again, and little do they know there are still two dozen more tracks to go. Metalcore is notoriously deceptive like that.

24. From Autumn to Ashes “The After Dinner Payback” (2004)

This FATA track made its way onto the “Freddy vs. Jason” (2003) soundtrack along with fellow metalcore and other more traditional metal bands. True metalheads were not always on board with metalcore as a genre. Just like my family members right now. I guess Aunt Gertrude has much in common with Slayer fans.

23. Miss May I “A Dance With Aera Cura” (2009)

Starting to think no one at this party can even handle a Knocked Loose song let alone one from Miss May I. Oh, but when Uncle John put on a Steely Dan song everyone lost their shit. Truly embarrassing family.

22. Between the Buried and Me “Mordecai” (2003)

Everyone at this barbecue seems pretty impressed that cousin Kyle got his law degree, started his own law firm, got married, and had two children since we all last saw him. On the other hand, no one seems to care that I haven’t changed at all since 2005 and still listen to Between the Buried and Me. Consistency is key, Kyle.

21. Atreyu “Bleeding Mascara” (2004) 

Pretty cool to name your band after the badass warrior kid from “The Neverending Story.” However, telling everyone here that fact only seems to make my family depressed. Either that or they’re sad that I keep playing them the scene where the horse dies in the Swamp of Sadness. This family will know metalcore history even if it causes lifelong trauma.

20. Hatebreed “Perseverance” (2002)

Sure, Hatebreed’s flaming band logo looks like it was designed by Guy Fieri’s shirt guy. But don’t let that fool you. This band collectively scares the shit out of all of my aunts at once. That same can’t be said about “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.”

19. Killswitch Engage “My Curse” (2006) 

Killswitch Engage should be a band that at least my immediate family knows because I used to play them on “Guitar Hero” in my parents’ basement in the 2000s all the time and still do today. One day I’ll be able to beat it on expert.

18. A Day to Remember “The Downfall Of Us All” (2009) 

Metalcore meets pop-punk, A Day to Remember in theory should be the most palatable band to those unfamiliar with the genre. Even the opening “duh duh duh duh duh” gang vocal part should be bringing this family together. But if anything, it’s tearing us apart. Or rather, tearing my family from me.

17. The Chariot “And Shot Each Other” (2007) 

The Chariot appeared to have written about 30 different components to this song, including a seemingly 10-second long, instrument-free scream 40 seconds in. Hard to believe my family doesn’t like any of the parts they wrote for it. It’s like nothing will please them.

16. The Acacia Strain “Carbomb” (2004)

The Acacia Strain teeters on the deathcore/metalcore spectrum. Whatever you want to call them, The Acacia Strain exists hard. Judging by my nieces and nephews stuffing their fingers in their ear holes and closing their eyes while this song plays, they totally agree.