Whoops! I Heard Daryl Stuermer’s Solo on “Easy Lover” and Now I’m Horny in the Grocery Store

Posted on by Amy Currul

There I was, minding my own business, walking through the frozen food aisle at Stop & Shop, when the sweet sound of an A chord flew its way through the air and right into my pants. “Easy Lover” was playing, and Phil Collins had stopped singing long enough for the real show to begin — Daryl Stuermer’s guitar solo. Cleanup on aisle me!

It’s 8 am,and I’m only here this early because I forgot milk. I should not be gyrating in an empty aisle to ‘80s mom rock! Why is the store playing music this sexy this early? The college kids working here weren’t even born when this song came out. Hell, their parents were probably college kids, getting it on to this song! Oh god, does playing this music make it a Freudian thing?

Oh, and the video? Don’t even get me STARTED on him playing live in Berlin 1990 with Phil and the rest of the gang. That video has so much sex appeal it should be listed on PornHub. The way he thrusts his hips? Don’t let me around the gourd section right now unless you want to sell some discounted produce later.

God, I really need to get laid. What am I doing? Getting turned on at the grocery store? I am a 30-year-old woman! So what if my boyfriend dumped me 9 weeks and 3 days ago? My sexual stimulation should not be coming from the sweet serenading of Stuermer’s strumming layered on top of an announcement that Goya products are on sale.

Men: lemme tell you, they don’t make them like they used to anymore. Phil Collins? He could GET. IT. Those crazy print shirts, unbuttoned down to the bottom of their ribs? The right leather pants? The hair? It’s a good thing I’m in the frozen food aisle, because it’s getting a little toasty in between my legs right now.

Oh this isn’t good. What’s happening to me? Why is this suburban chain grocery store turning into a Magic Mike show? Why would they play music this sexy in the grocery store? Play classic music! Or elevator music! Play NPR for all I care! I can’t be this horny in public anymore! If Stop & Shop doesn’t take this jam out of rotation, I can’t be held responsible for my carnal actions because that solo has got a hold on me, believe it!

Punk Sleep Study Confirms You Aren’t Drunk Enough

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

CHICAGO — A new sleep study released today by DIY Labs confirmed that your current level of inebriation is woefully inadequate for a punk’s night’s sleep.

“We hope these results demystify the science of sleep for punks everywhere,” said Dan Kane, who has been squatting in a storage closet at DIY Labs since 2018 and served as the lead punk in the study. “Our results were unequivocal: you gotta hit the bottle hard before you hit the hay. Punks need to stop worrying about mainstream sleep deprivation solutions like getting exercise or avoiding caffeine late in the day. Fretting over that type of thing has no meaningful impact on your sleep. In short, you need to get down to optimizing the timing of your peak intoxication to ensure you are three sheets to the wind whenever and wherever you hit the sheets.”

Dr. Karl Dowd, Assistant Director of University of Chicago’s Sleep Lab and former lead singer of short-lived Straight Edge act Pure Bliss, questioned the validity of the study.

“I hesitate to even call this a study since it was not peer-reviewed and they used Schlitz to get subjects sloshed,” said Dr. Dowd. “Even if actual sleep scholars could reproduce these results in a lab, the benefits to lay punks outside Milwaukee, or maybe Chicago, are likely negligible. Besides, it’s just not healthy for people to think they need to get tanked up before hunkering down for the night. What you’re supposed to do is go to bed early while completely sober, let the existential anxiety gradually sink in, and finally fall asleep at 4am like a normal person.”

Sleep study participant and former bassist of screamcore cult favorite Sentient Sardines, Jim Friel, disagrees, waiving his anonymity rights to sing the praises of the study.

“This whole experience was a game changer for me,” said Friel. “I’ve discovered that getting wasted is even more fun when you’re getting blitzed in the service of science! And I always thought I got the best rest in rooms with blackout blinds, but partyin’ with the DIY guys helped me understand that I can achieve my deepest sleep anywhere when I’m on the precipice of being blackout drunk.”

At press time, Dr. Dowd ended his Insomnia Support Group’s deep breathing session early to take them to a campus bar with a $3 special on PBR tallboys.

Hulk Hogan Wondering Why Heaven is Engulfed in Flames, Smelling of Sulfur, and Surrounded By the Endless Tortured Screams of the Damned

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

HELL — Legendary professional wrestler, adulterer, and noted racist Hulk Hogan admitted he was confused as to why heaven seemed so much hotter than he imagined, confirmed demonic sources tasked with punishing the American icon for eternity.

“Woo brother let me tell you, it’s smoldering up here. I was expecting lots of fluffy clouds and some climate control when I died, but it’s just lots of molten lava, brimstone, and little demons trying to stick needles under my toenails, brother,” said Hogan seemingly unaware he was in Hell. “I thought I’d be reunited with a lot of the people I shared the ring with, but so far I’ve only seen Ultimate Warrior and he’s already annoying the hell out of me, brother. I asked him if this was really heaven, and he started laughing like a maniac, then ran around me in a circle for what seemed like hours. The biggest surprise is how many loose dogs with red glowing eyes keep biting me. Someone needs to get these things under control, brother.”

Saint Peter, the keeper of the Pearly Gates, explained that Hogan is exactly where he is meant to be.

“Look, religion gets a bad wrap, but we do actually have a code of conduct if you want to get into Heaven. It’s not rocket science, be a good person, do good things. Mr. Hogan has a history of racism, he made a sex tape with his supposed best friend’s wife, and he was an ego maniac that ruined careers,” said the saint. “He’s never getting through these gates as long as I’m in control here. And look, we have strict confidentiality rules, but we see everything you’ve ever done. And this guy was even worse behind the scenes when nobody was watching. But we’ve seen it, we’ve kept score. Enjoy Hell Terry.”

The Devil admitted he was excited to finally get to meet Hogan.

“I know I’ve been around since darkness was invented, but I feel like I grew up watching Hulk wrestle. I loved how he always put himself first and never let anyone share the spotlight, that’s my type of guy,” said Lucifer. “I didn’t love his all-American schtick telling kids to eat right and take vitamins, I wish he had told kids to do drugs and kill their parents. But he more than made up for that by becoming a huge Trump supporter. Helping usher in fascism is a surefire way to get you a prime spot in Hell. Torturing him for eternity is a literal dream come true.”

At press time, a clerical demon was seen putting the finishing touches on a cage with a plaque that says “Reserved For Vince McMahon.”

Hulk Hogan Dead at 71 After Decades-Long Battle With Hulkamania

Posted on by Dan Rice

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Hulk Hogan, famed professional wrestler, actor, and white nationalist, passed away earlier today, succumbing to health problems related to his nearly 40-year battle with Hulkamania.

“The Hulkster is at rest now,” confirmed publicist Andrew Corrone. “It’s no secret that he had been struggling for years. As we all know, Hulkamania is a terrible and degenerative illness. At first, the signs were slight — he would occasionally mistake friends, enemies, and total strangers for his brother, and one time he got confused and fought Rocky, but aside from that, he seemed almost functional. By the end, the condition eroded his hippocampus so severely that he became a cheerleader for President Trump. On behalf of the Hogan estate, we ask America to remember the man, not the freakish far-right ghoul this horrible affliction turned him into.”

Hogan was first diagnosed with Hulkamania in 1984 and became the disease’s most outspoken advocate, using his platform as WWF champion to raise awareness, fight the stigma, and raise money for research. Unfortunately, by the late ‘90s, he exhibited significant decline, committing such high-profile gaffes as showing up to the wrong wrestling organization with a basketball player as his partner.

Paul Bracko, a long-time aide to the Hulkster, painted a grim picture of his final days.

“By the end, pretty much all he could do was eat pulled pork nachos and say the n-word,” said Bracko. “That was how he communicated to me and the rest of the team. One n-word meant ‘yes.’ Two n-words meant ‘more nachos.’ Three n-words meant ‘Why is this pussy-ass generation booing me instead of buying my goddamn beer? I’m tired of this woke nonsense!’ It’s crazy how much you can glean from just the n-word when you really know a guy.”

Hogan drew significant criticism in recent years for his enthusiastic endorsement of Donald Trump during the 2024 election.

“Hulk would say things like ‘I really relate to this guy!’ and we would say ‘Hulk, you have a degenerative mental illness.’ He would say ‘Donald Trump really speaks my language!’ and we would say ‘Your language is a series of n-words only those closest to you can understand!’ He would just fire back, ‘More nachos,’” said family friend Kaylene Winston. “At the end of the day, we didn’t have power of attorney, so we called the ventriloquist, slapped some peanut butter under the Hulkster’s tongue, and let him do his ‘speech’ at the GOP convention. You know, he actually thought that shirt was trying to strangle him?”

When reached for comment, Hogan contemporary Booker T replied, “Yeah… I better not.”

Top DOJ Official Set to Meet With Ghislaine Maxwell Hours Before Her Suicide

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche is set to meet with Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell a few hours before she is found dead by suicide in her heavily guarded cell, sources confirmed.

“Ms. Maxwell was a close friend and associate of Jeffrey Epstein and we believe she is the key to getting to the bottom of what the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender had been up to behind he scenes. I’m looking forward to talking with her about how she has never met President Trump, and how the Obama administration used Epstein’s island as their home base,” said Blanche. “I do have to note that she has seemed despondent leading up to our meeting, it’s a real shame that she will probably decide to take her own life about 90 minutes after it ends when the CCTV monitoring her cell randomly malfunctions and all the guards assigned to her take their mandated 15 minute break at the exact same time. But, thankfully by then I will already have gotten all the answers we need to clear up all of this mess.”

At press time, President Trump is expected to release all the remaining classified files related to the Teapot Dome Scandal.

Aging Rocker Integrates Vocoder Into CPAP Mask

Posted on by Dan Katz

MILWAUKEE — Local 49-year-old musician Garry “Gax” Goodwin, lead singer of Oscar the Grouch Was Right, integrated a vocoder into his CPAP mask, confirmed sources who believe the modified ResMed AirSense 11 machine and AirFit 20 mask will redefine the intersection of health and music.

“All it took was a little research, a little soldering, and a willingness to invalidate my CPAP machine’s warranty,” Goodwin said with a wink. “My full coverage face mask converts my breathing into an electronic signal that is encoded by the AirSense machine. My phone records the sounds, and the pressurized air keeps my breathing passages from collapsing. It’s fuckin’ bitchin’. The new sounds will take our band to the next level and my apnea-hypopnea index is way down.”

Goodwin’s wife appreciates her husband’s continued passion for music in his middle age, but says his creation has been a hindrance to intimacy.

“It took both of us a while to get used to his CPAP; it’s undoubtedly a good thing. I’m so happy he is sleeping better, getting healthier, and won’t randomly die overnight because his body forgot to breathe,” Shirley Goodwin said. “Garry’s clear, rhythmic breathing became like a lullaby to me and was, quite frankly, a turn on. For a while, our sex life was better than ever. But now, it’s not so easy to roll over and give Daft Punk a spontaneous reach-around. The noises coming out of that machine are just too creepy.”

The band’s bassist, Trevor Dodge, is also skeptical, but doesn’t want to upset his lifelong friend.

“Look, I am absolutely thrilled that Gax saw a sleep specialist. He’s one of my closest, oldest friends. In fact, Garry was the first non-doctor, non-family member to see my penis. That’s why it scared me when he would doze off during rehearsal breaks and almost immediately wake up gasping for air,” Dodge recalled. “But I’m perplexed as to what this adds to the band. He’s making electronic ‘music’ in his sleep. We’re an alt-rock dad band; it makes no sense. I still share his excitement when he shows me he scored a 99 on the myAir app, but honestly, the recordings he brings to us sound like Darth Vader swallowed WALL-E.”

At press time, Goodwin was working on a talkbox add-on for the minimalist AirFit 10 nasal pillow-style CPAP mask for sleep apnea sufferers who want more facial freedom in bed.

“Hey Jealousy” and 10 Other ‘90s Songs You Have No Idea How the Hell You Know All the Lyrics To

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

You spent your teen years as far underground as the suburbs would allow. You avoided broadcast radio apart from a static-filled community college radio station, MTV was only watched after 10 p.m., you never saw Can’t Hardly Wait, and new music was only introduced to you by trusted older brothers and germ-ridden public headphones at Tower Records.

So, how is it possible that when Sheryl Crow says all she wants to do is have some fun, you know that the location is under the Santa Monica Boulevard? How did these songs get locked in our subconscious when we made every attempt to avoid them? Here is a list of songs that you sing into your beer at the bar because you heard them once at a house party.

Harvey Danger “Flagpole Sitta”

Sure, you saw “Disturbing Behavior” in theaters, but you don’t remember a single cell of that film and conflate it with “The Faculty.” Still, somehow, you’ll be damned if you never questioned the medical quandary of why a psychiatric ward would cut off someone’s legs.

The Verve “Bittersweet Symphony”

Wait, this wasn’t Oasis or Blur or Bush or one of those? You may not know the band, but then again, you’re a million different people from one day to the next. I can’t change my mold. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

 Deep Blue Something “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”

You weren’t a theater kid; you didn’t go to cast parties. You’ve also never seen “At Tiffany’s.” So, how is it that this pop song about a couple desperately trying to stay together can pull at your heartstrings when your sister plays it at a family BBQ, like you are being reminded of your first high-school breakup?

Gin Blossoms “Hey Jealousy”

Okay, yeah, maybe now you are one of the 165 million streams of “Hey Jealousy” on Spotify when you are thinking about the one that got away, but where did it start? How did you know to go to that specific song when feeling nostalgic for you-know-who?

The Wallflowers “One Headlight”

I mean, you snorted with derision at the fact that the band was fronted by Bob Dylan’s son but why do you hum, “Got to be something better than in the middle, me and Cinderella, we can put it all together, we can drive it home with one headlight” as you drive around your hometown when visiting your parents for Thanksgiving?

Sugar Ray “Every Morning”

Sure, even photos of Mark McGrath made us feel like we were being sexually harassed, and the song reminded us all of that toxic couple we all knew and hated. But “Every morning there’s a halo hangin’ from the corner of my girlfriend’s four-post bed. I know it’s not mine, but I’ll see if I can use it for the weekend or a one-night stand,” replaced all the proper pronoun grammar Mrs. Roberts tried so hard to teach us.

Smash Mouth “Walkin’ on the Sun”

While All Star has been Shrek-meme’ed to death, I mention “Walkin’ on the Sun” because it would be a crime not to mention that “Weird Al” Yankovic’s polka remixes of pop music is probably the main culprit as to why we all have 90s lyrics embedded in our hippocampus while we avoided pop music at all costs. He should be charged for those crimes. It is also why we can’t sing these songs at karaoke, because we don’t know what the original song actually sounds like.

Barenaked Ladies “One Week”

Like reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” now, this song was absolutely inescapable in 1998; it was in commercials, TV, and was in the confoundingly popular “American Pie” movie (and “Digimon: The Movie” if that was more your style). We have all wondered if we shouldn’t sing ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken,’ when singing this song like skipping over the n-words in “Insane in the Brain.”

 Lit “My Own Worst Enemy”

“It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy cuz’ every now and then I kick the living shit out of me,” is the, “In the room the women come and go, Talking of Michelangelo,” for the Millennial generation.

Sixpence None the Richer “Kiss Me”

Oh my God, you saw “She’s All That” on a group date with your Church friends, it’s ok to admit it now. Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachael Leigh Cook had fantastic chemistry.

New Radicals “You Get What You Give”

Sure, you mocked Gregg Alexander’s bucket hat at every turn, but if someone started the breakdown, “Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson…,” you’ll absolutely echo, “You’re all fakes, run to your mansions. Come around, we’ll kick your ass in!”

Hardcore Kid Who Doesn’t Participate in Gym Class Most Athletic Student in School

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete lack of participation in gym class, confirmed sources.

“Jackson is like half frontman, half acrobat, half D student, half backflip machine. But with sick pen-drawn tattoos all over it,” said bandmate Spencer McQueen. “Every time we play a parking lot gig, there’s basically two shows. There’s the music, and there’s Jackson flipping from car hood to car hood like he’s Simone Biles. I mean you should see him in gym class, when he puts his whole body through the basketball hoop like Guy Picciotto. He could probably do some cool windmill dunks or whatever, but that would mean participating in gym. Which is against everything we stand for as a band.”

And while some are inspired by Gattis’ lack of gym class fervor, others see wasted potential.

“I just wish he’d put as much effort into the activities as he did ‘Naruto-running’ along the matted walls of the gym,” said Rick Scarborough, Gattis’ gym coach. “As a small, rural community, we don’t see athletes of Jackson’s caliber very often, so it’s tough watching that much Lebron James-esque talent go to waste. I mean, I’ll admit, the triple-spin karate kicks he and his burnout buddies do in the corner are pretty badass, but I wish the kid would go out for track. Or at least play capture the flag.”

Gattis’ supposed “wasted talent” is attracting international attention however.

“Athletes like Jackson who express their athletic prowess in, let’s say, non-traditional ways are exactly who we’re trying to honor with our new sports,” said International Olympic Committee spokesperson Claire Newton. “We’ve added skateboarding and breakdancing to the Olympics in recent years, and I’m happy to announce we’re also strongly considering hardcore dancing, thanks to intrepid athletes like Jackson. Some would call these rad new sports a desperate attempt for ratings. I’d like to call those people nerds.”

At press time, Gattis’ parents signed him up for football so he could avoid failing gym, where he went on to score three touchdowns and kicked a 48-yard field goal in his first game without breaking a sweat.

Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein Scandal

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.

“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the IDF and he’s out here talking about the 2016 election, which he fucking won. He should be posting videos of our skeletal bodies everywhere like keys being jingled to distract a baby,” said 11-year-old Khaled Hassan, whose entire family was killed at a food distribution point. “Like, this is like prime distraction territory, people love pretending to care about starving children in foreign countries. I would give anything for a 3 a.m. all-caps rant on Truth Social. At least then CNN might actually talk about us.”

Trump responded swiftly when pressed about the Israeli government’s ongoing war crimes against Palestinians.

“No one cares about those kids. I care about American babies, big, beautiful, healthy American babies, who’ve been lied to their entire lives by Barack Hussein Obama,” shouted Trump while throwing old scrapbooks into the White House fireplace. “That foreign-born, radical left socialist Obama committed treason by working with Russia to rig the 2016 election. That was a beautiful perfect election that I won in a landslide, everyone I’ve ever met say they voted for me in 2016. Skinny people, tall people, fat people, some of the fattest people you’ve ever met. So fat they can barely walk, they all voted for me. But Obama and his cronies used Hunter Biden’s laptop to hack into Dominion Voting Systems to change votes to Hillary Clinton, wife of noted Epstein pal Bill Clinton. They are real creeps. I never met that Epstein guy, but the Clintons loved him. Despite their efforts, which were vast and supported by the liberal media, I unhacked the systems to change the votes back to my name in order to protect chubby-cheeked American babies from critical race theory.”

Political analyst Rachel Palmer expressed surprise at Trump’s strategy of not taking advantage of a proven political tactic.

“Frankly, I don’t understand it. Somalia, Serbia, Syria. There’s a rich tradition of politicians frantically pointing to international tragedies involving children to distract from their own scandals,” Palmer said. “Nixon did it, the Bush family popularized it, and Clinton perfected it. Yet Trump is inexplicably blowing a perfect Epstein deflection opportunity by rehashing old conspiracy theories that lost him the election in 2020. This is amateur hour. AIPAC must be driving dump trucks full of money to Mar-a-Lago to keep him quiet about this.”

At press time, Trump again missed his opportunity for transparency, opting instead to release all files relating to the assassination of William McKinley.

Sharon Osbourne Says Ozzy Still Has 10–20 Good Shows Left in Him

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing for at least another year, disgusted sources confirmed.

“The man has performed with disease, a broken spine, nerve damage, partial vocal paralysis, and what I’m pretty sure was a demon possession,” said Osbourne with the stiff corpse of her husband propped beside her. “Compared to that, death is really just another logistical hurdle. I can work with this. It’s the ‘Diary of a Dead Man’ tour and we are going to do gigs at festivals, county fairs, and comic-cons. The man has an entire untalented family’s careers to support, he can’t stop now and he won’t.”

Others in Ozzy’s circle are upset by Sharon’s actions and feel Ozzy deserves to finally rest in peace.

“The last three tours were already 80% animatronic with a whole winch system we bought off that Spider-Man musical to keep Ozzy mobile,” longtime road manager Kevin Doyle explained while blocking Sharon’s phone calls. “The man paid his dues and it is time to let sleeping dogs lie. I know she is going to find some way to profit off of his death, but making his corpse continue to tour is not the way. I’ll be honest, with everything he has done to his body decomposition is going to set in fast. Can’t she just act like other dead musician’s families and release an AI remix of Ozzy’s dueting ‘Close My Eyes Forever’ with Dua Lipa or some shit?”

While Sharon is notorious for profiting off of an ailing Ozzy, this is nothing new in the music industry.

“Exploiting dead musicians is practically its own genre at this point. From posthumous album releases to hologram tours, there’s a long, proud tradition of wringing one last dollar out of someone who can no longer say no,” said music historian Naomi Stevens, author of The Business of a Dead Beat. “If a performer dies and the family doesn’t make a buck from it, did they ever really die? Not many people know this but Elvis actually died in 1972 and ‘Aloha from Hawaii’ was performed with the help of The Jim Henson Company.”

Due to backlash from the announcement, Sharon stated that all proceeds from the tour will go to the mysterious Osbourne Family Foundation charity.