Yuck! I Accidentally Walked in on My Parents Falling In Love Again

Posted on by Evan Vest

When it comes to our parents, many thoughts and feelings may come to mind. “Are they proud of me? Am I living up to their expectations? What will I do when they’re gone?” Maybe you have happy memories with your parents, or maybe there are things you want to forget. No matter what the dynamic is between you and your parents, I think we can all agree that there is one thing about our parents that we would rather not think about. I’m talking about the certain thing our parents did that led to us existing in the first place. That’s right, I’m talking about the thought of our parents falling in love! Gross!!

I mean, Yes, of course, it had to happen at least once for me to be here today. That doesn’t mean that I spend time trying to visualize it like some freak. The last thing I want to think about is my dad sliding into my mom’s tight mailbox to drop off a love letter in the middle of the night expressing his feelings. I don’t want the image of my mom wiping creamy, white whipped cream from the corner of her mouth as they enjoy a milkshake together at a diner after the school dance getting lost in one another’s eyes. I would give more graphic examples but I trust you get the point.

I’ve been in the clear of such thoughts for a long time and the thoughts of my parents creating strong emotional bonds have been hidden safely in my subconscious. That is, until it all changed one fateful visit last week.

My parents have been trapped in an icy and loveless marriage for the better part of the decade, so I naturally thought I was in the clear when I recently came to their house to do my laundry and raid their fridge without saying hello to them. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the kitchen only to find my dad lovingly kissing my mom on the cheek while they prepared dinner together. I screamed and ran out of there as fast as I could.

After contemplating scooping out my eyes with a rusty spoon, I calmed down and tried to tell myself this was a freak accident that will never happen again. Maybe they both suddenly came down with a one-day amnesia that made them forget they hate each other. Unfortunately, the past few weeks have only gotten more disgusting with each subsequent visit. I’ve heard them upstairs working as a team to reorganize the guest room. I’ve caught them in the backyard, lazily sitting side by side on the deck soaking up the sun and recalling fond memories. I hate to admit it, but I think it will only get worse from here.

While I have hope that they will once again resume barely making eye contact or talking, the future looks bleak. Just today I found out that they now have a shared Facebook profile and I think I’m going to be sick.

Top Democrats Ask Netanyahu if “We’re Still Friends” After Trump Victory

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

WASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.

“We’re a match made in friendship heaven, like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart or the Joker and Two-Face. Most foreign policy plutonic love is so superficial in today’s world––folks bond over, what? Music? Hobbies? Lifestyles? We actually came together over real shit, like our shared interests in blowing shit up in parts of the world where we don’t live,” said Jefferies while carving “Democrats + Netanyahu” in a nearby tree. “But look, even if we can’t continue this little thing of ours, you have to know that the Dems are always in their corner. We’ll always be in their life. Even just as acquaintances, who can get nostalgic over supplying the bombs to take down a group of school children and hospitals. I just hope we still receive a Christmas card from them this year.”

Prime Minister Netanyahu believed the relationship would be different with Trump returning to office.

“I won’t say friendship is off the table. But it simply won’t be the same unless they can somehow still send us billions of dollars wrapped in a neat little bow every few months that’s personalized with a handwritten message,” Netanyahu explained. “In Israel, we admittedly admire the Democrats’ remarkable ability to use their pull to help foreign powers in need. On some level, we will always be partners in war crimes. But there comes a time in all politcal regimes’ lives where they have to come to terms with the fact that they can no longer fund our wars, in which case we can remain acquaintances who sometimes see each other on the weekends at a mutual friend’s international party.”

Experts believe that foreign relationships suffer as a result of a loss in political advantages.

“Most friendships among powerful figures are strictly transactional in nature,” said political strategist Lucy Fallweather. “In this case, Israel gets the funding they need to be the sole driver of genocide and the Democrats get to look like they’re not anti-semitic. You can squeeze a ton of capital out of the left if you just prey on their need to look sanctimonious, even if most of the time they fall on their face as a result. It’s like they never learn.”

At press time, Jeffries was seen making a mixtape for Netanyahu with his favorite songs in hopes of rekindling the friendship.

Metalhead Family Thanksgiving Argument About Whether or Not “Djent” is an Actual Genre

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOULDER, Colo. — An explosive dispute over genre semantics broke out at the Thanksgiving dinner of the three-generation metalhead Reeder family regarding the disputed progressive metal subgenre known as “djent,” several sources with tinnitus reported.

“For once, Thanksgiving was going great,” middle son Zakk Reeder said. “Then, ‘Bleed’ came up on shuffle, and Dad had to use the ‘D-word’ in front of Uncle Len. And of course, he flips his shit and goes into this whole rant about how djent isn’t a genre; it’s just a stupid made-up word used by people who like Meshuggah too much. Honestly, it could’ve gotten really ugly if Mom hadn’t thought to change the music to the Blood Incantation space ambient album.”

Patriarch Earl Reeder aggressively defended his use of the term, blaming his brother’s outburst on deep-seated insecurity from an unsuccessful foray into learning “the djent way.”

“Len is just pissy because he can’t palm mute for more than two bars at a time, and he knows it, to say nothing of his absolutely pathetic grasp on polyrhythms.” Reeder said. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t get this mad at dinner back in 1995 when he said that ‘death ‘n’ roll’ was going to rule the new millennium. I’m just glad Mom and Dad aren’t here to see this. They’re in Denver seeing Tesseract. And by all reports, it’s ‘sick as hell.’”

Metal sociologist Dr. Catherine Fields says that these disputes are not entirely uncommon among this demographic, regardless of age.

“While it’s true that families of this sort tend to have more harmonious Thanksgivings then, say, the ones who send their kids to private school, it only takes one perceived unjust genre classification to turn everything upside down,” Dr. Fields said. “And pretty soon, everyone is riled up and citing arguments from message board threads that are over 20 years old at this point. Now, djent is by far the most represented in the scenarios, but I’ve also heard plenty of similar cases regarding the use of pornogrind, neocrust, and countless, countless others.”

At press time, sources confirmed the Reeders’ altercation was disrupted by one at the adjoining apartment over whether or not Depeche Mode “counts as goth.”

Thanksgiving Miracle: When No One in This Punk House Knew How to Cook a Turkey, They Just Got Fucked Up Instead

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The holidays are a difficult time for many people, but especially for losers who no one loves or even thinks about. For a lot of people, making a whole Thanksgiving spread is a stressful and difficult experience and if you’re a member of a punk house with three overdue gas bills stuffed under a couch cushion, it can feel downright impossible.

But fortunately for our hope for the human race, a Thanksgiving miracle has occurred! When the members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, a Chicago landmark of griminess and unpleasant roommate interactions, realized no one in the house knew how to cook a turkey, they all just decided to get fucked up together.

Wow. We may live in a new dark age, but it’s good to know that even in uncertain times, people of the same subculture can get together, fail to do a communal activity, engage in some passive-aggression, and get falling-down drunk off Olde English 800.

According to sources with more stable living environments, the various members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, many of whom look vaguely familiar to each other, all assumed that someone else in the house would know how to prepare a roast turkey from scratch and could contribute some kind of holiday nostalgia for the house. Tough luck, shitheads! It turns out that none of you even know where to actually buy a turkey, let alone turn an oven on.

However, when times got hard, the denizens of Squirrel Gut Ripper didn’t turn their backs on the spirt of Thanksgiving, except for Dandruff Dan, who’s a fucking dick anyway. Instead, they argued about whose job it was to clean the three-week-old dishes in the sink and cracked a case of 8 Ball so they could blunt the stench of the rancid squalor they live in long enough to have some kind of communal feeling!

It really makes you think.

And we admit that it wasn’t all that miraculous that Jeff and Holly Molly got in a fight after he suggested that they could maybe find some potatoes to mash or something and sort of implied that she could cook for the house, but we’re just going to ignore that for now, which is usually what everyone does with Jeff anyway.

But just as the Pilgrims and Native Americans could get together for the first Thanksgiving and not commit genocide for a single Thursday afternoon, Squirrel Gut Ripper managed to pull off a holiday feat and get everyone tanked enough that they passed out before anyone could get sad about how much they miss actually having a family that cared about them.

And if that’s not the true spirit of Thanksgiving, what is?

Jigsaw Horrified After Thanksgiving Guests Devour Turducken He Prepared to Punish Their Gluttony

Posted on by Matt Husser

HORNERSTOWN, N.J. — Serial killer and torture pioneer Jigsaw was reportedly left horrified today after his unwilling Thanksgiving guests quickly devoured a massive turducken he had prepared to punish their gluttony, police sources confirmed.

“You have used the tainted holiday of Thanksgiving to excuse your gluttonous behavior while others starve with nothing. Your insatiable greed has led you here, and to survive, you must devour your way to salvation. But if you fail, you’ll be torn in two like a wishbone, spilling your sins over the—hey, what the fuck, how did they already eat the entire turducken?” said a disgusted Jigsaw, wearing a pilgrim hat while watching the ravenous display on a CCTV monitor. “It took me two days to prepare that massive thing, and they already stuffed their fat faces with it before I even finished my speech. Jesus Christ, I put a shitload of razor blades in there and it didn’t even slow them down!”

Thanksgiving hostage Bill Myers recounted his terrifying tale of survival from Jigsaw’s latest devious trap.

“I’m just so grateful to be out of there, that was the most excruciating experience of my life—I mean what kind of psychopath only serves three kinds of pie at Thanksgiving? And one of them was mincemeat, that sick fuck,” said Myers, picking his teeth with a dirty syringe. “Not to mention the turducken was dry and he put raisins in the stuffing. I guess if his elaborate torture scheme was to starve us with a subpar spread then mission accomplished. At least that other guy had a hacksaw, I wish I could have sawed my foot off and escaped to get a couple of buckets of chicken at KFC.”

After freeing the hostages from their Thanksgiving trap, Detective Paul Briggs found himself snared in a Christmas-themed torture game despite it honestly being a little too early to celebrate the festive season.

“Oh come on, Jigsaw. It’s not even December yet, you couldn’t wait another week to break out the Christmas-themed torture traps?” asked Detective Briggs, reading a task commanding him to untangle a mess of Christmas lights strung together on razor wire with his bare hands. “You have an entire month to dip people in boiling vats of egg nog or shove sharpened candy canes in their eyes. Can’t you at least wait until we’ve digested Thanksgiving dinner before you guilt trip us about not visiting our families for the holidays or whatever preachy shit this game is all about? Honestly, I get less of a guilt trip from the Salvation Army Santa outside Target.”

At press time, Jigsaw was scouring the city trying to find victims for his New Year’s Eve-themed trap that hadn’t already blown all their fingers off in fireworks accidents.

Jaguar Rebrands to Appeal to Young, Gender-Fluid Drivers Who Refuse to Use Turn Signals

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Luxury car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled a new look in hopes of expanding their appeal to the tiny percentage of people who identify as gender-fluid Gen Z drivers who recklessly change lanes without looking, confirmed executives.

“This is the new Jaguar. These cars are no longer just for recently divorced investment bankers having a mid-life crisis, they are also for rich children who hate their parents for being fascists but have no problem taking all their money,” Jaguar Land Rover managing director Rawdon Glover. “We spent years doing market research and found that both Gen Z and our typical clientele had one thing in common: a predilection for reckless and unannounced lane changing. All we had to do was change the logo and put androgynous 20-somethings in pastels to drive that ‘main character energy’ into about sales.”

At press time, luxury brand Aston Martin caused more confusion in the market when they released a 16-minute promo video of their latest campaign which featured adults dressed as babies soiling themselves with the tagline “Get Wet.”

As I Lay Dying Frontman Livid After Hitman Doesn’t Honor Buy One, Get One Free Promotion

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

OCEANSIDE, Calif. — As I Lay Dying frontman, and convicted felon, Tim Lambesis was caught on a home video having a meltdown after realizing the hitman he tried to hire in 2013 to murder his wife would not honor the buy one, get one free deal as advertised, worried sources confirmed.

“This is absolute crap. I’m going to report this piece of garbage to the Better Business Bureau and then he’s going to be bankrupt,” said Lambesis while pounding his feet. “It’s a sad state of affairs when you can’t trust the people you hire to kill the woman you married. This isn’t the America I once loved, I feel like I need to move to a country where men can kill their wives with no repercussions.”

At press time, Lambesis was leaving a scathing review of the hit man on Yelp.

Costco Rotisserie Chicken Replaces Bald Eagle as America’s National Bird

Posted on by Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — America’s longstanding symbol of freedom, the bald eagle, was replaced by the Costco rotisserie chicken as the official national bird, after a swift and unanimous bipartisan vote, salivating sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.

“Republicans and Democrats reached across the aisle to get this historic bill passed and grab a second helping,” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said, deboning a drumstick. “Effective immediately, images of the Costco rotisserie chicken will replace the bald eagle on everything, everywhere, across America. This includes our great seal, government letterhead, quarters, Desert Storm t-shirts, and Air Force One, the plane and the film. I already covered up my bald eagle tramp stamp with a sweet rotisserie chicken backpiece, and even the greatest rock band of all time, The Eagles, have agreed to change their name. Well, everyone except that libtard Joe Walsh.”

Lifelong Costco shopper and retired bus driver Denise Jacaruso was emotionally overcome by the news.

“Hand to heart, I’ve never been prouder to be a card-carrying Costco member, or an American,” Jacaruso pledged. “What’s the big to-do about eagles anyway? They taste terrible! The rotisserie chicken, on the other hand, feeds my family of 11 multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. All for the inflation-proof price of $4.99. I even reuse the thermal ziplock bag it comes in as my daily tote. Not only is the Costco rotisserie chicken edible, it’s sustainable, and now, salutable!”

Tanya Erb, Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, applauds the decision but has concerns.

“Listen, we’ve been kicking ass on the eagle’s behalf for long enough,” Erb said. “Countless man hours and taxpayer dollars were wasted saving those ungrateful shitbirds from extinction when honestly, they deserved to die off. Why? They’re apex assholes. Aggressive. Hate humans. And yeah I’ll say it…they ugly. But the Costco rotisserie chicken? That is one sexy bird. I’d give my left tit for a thigh right now. But protecting them is a whole different animal. They’re sitting ducks under those heat lamps, and Costco shoppers are absolute vultures. So I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make sure this isn’t the chicken’s swansong, or else my goose is cooked!”

At press time, the White House also revealed plans to make the American flag a scannable QR code, good for one dollar off at any KFC purchase, but restrictions and exclusions may apply.

Crap! I Only Had a Baby for Social Media Clout and Now I Have to Actually Teach It Stuff

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The best day of my life, after me and my wife’s lifestyle brand account hit 500,000 followers, was the birth of my son Brayden. Becoming a father is a life-altering experience, especially when you have to incorporate it into your brand. Chronicling my son’s discovery of the world around him on social media has been so rewarding, both spiritually and monetarily.

One thing I wasn’t prepared for was how I blinked and suddenly little Brayden is now four years old and I found myself saying “Oh fucking crap, I actually have to teach him how to do stuff.”

Having a kid seemed like a good idea at the time! We were like fuck it, nobody is engaging with our vacation photos so let’s pop out a kid, inform our followers that “So, we did a thing…” and then tell everyone our way of parenting is superior. You could only imagine how blindsided we were when he began to grasp object permanence and tried to stick a fork in a wall outlet.

Worse is that he actually shit in the training potty I was going to return after I filmed its unboxing video. Is this like an everyday thing, or can I just teach him to go free-range and poop in the backyard like the dog? Their turds are about the same size anyway.

He’s asking so many goddamn questions and it’s always when my wife is filming a “get ready with me” video. And I have to explain that no, Mommy doesn’t know how planes fly or why the sky is blue because she’s trying to rack up enough views to pay for our next trip. I tried taking him to the children’s science museum but they kicked us out because I was “filming kids without consent.”

OK, don’t panic. This is why Apple invented iPads. I just throw on some weird Russian families playing with toys and I can buy a few hours a day of shoring up our SEO. What are the chances he’ll stumble down a rabbit hole of right-wing propaganda, 60%? I’ll take those odds.

I wasn’t prepared for the fact that my sole responsibility as a parent is to raise a child to be a functioning member of society. Thankfully, there are other parenting social media accounts to do that for me! I guess it’s true that it takes a village to raise a child or in this case TikTok.

How to Create an Airtight Excuse to Miss Thanksgiving by Getting Attacked by the TSA Dogs

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

So, you don’t want to fly home for Thanksgiving but need to avoid the Greek tragedy level guilt trip you’ll receive from your mother if you simply decline. Maybe you’re scared you’ll flip the cranberry sauce and stuffing if talks become political, or maybe you’re just staying away from run-of-the-mill toxic family dynamics. If you’ve said “I’d rather get my ass bit by a Labrador in a vest than get on a plane for that shit,” we’ve got the guide for you. Here is our foolproof way to get attacked by the TSA dogs.

Ideally, you’ll just want to get a little nibble caused by a clear misunderstanding. This will give you all the evidence required without adding to your criminal record. For this, you’ll want to line your pants with cured meats. If you get lucky, this will be enough and a newbie dog will bite your tasty legs right then and there. You have to remember these are highly-trained dogs, so you might not be able to get it to notice your meat trap right away. There is a simple fix for that. Simply walk up to the TSA agent with the dog, tell them “You look exactly like a guy I went to school with who got accused of setting a Taco Bell on fire,” and while the agent is distracted you shove your meaty thigh violently in the dogs face, the dog won’t be able to resist.

If you’re serious about not being called a commie while eating a meal celebrating colonization, you’re going to need backups. Next, you’re going to want to act erratic. Babble, yell at some people, threaten to take your dick out, actually take your dick out. This will cause TSA to come over. These are not attack dogs, so you will need to subtly provoke the dog into attacking you. Your best bet? Start violently jerking around and reaching for the dogs genitals, it will instinctively latch onto your arm, and after being treated by an airport EMT and a standard detention process you will be released and free to go home to watch Netflix by yourself.

But even this may not be enough for the most well-trained canine. This is where you break out the airport security sign bingo card. You know the one. The dogs are trained to smell all these items. I’ve found a combo of 3 is the sweet spot. You could go weed, gun, lighter. Maybe biohazards, gasoline, knife. Poison, matches, bomb is a personal favorite. Don’t be afraid to get creative. There’s no reason you can’t have a little fun with it. Don’t worry, though. You will get bit.

Just remember, a little blood and some torn muscles are worth it. You’ll be spending your Thanksgiving thanking me in no time. Happy Holidays.