Ice Agent Just Three Summary Executions Away From Getting Free Spicy Deluxe Sandwich From Chick-Fil-a

Posted on by Tim Sheard

MINNEAPOLIS — Jonathan Ross, the ICE agent who summarily executed 37-year-old Renee Good, was excited that he only had to murder three more people for no reason to get a free Chick-fil-A Spicy Deluxe Sandwich, sources report.

“Yeah, I got this punch card from Chick-fil-A when I signed up for ICE,” Ross told a female reporter just after calling her a “fucking bitch”. “That, and those commercials that made working for ICE look like the video game Halo, was the whole reason I signed up for this job to begin with. I’m loving my career here; it definitely beats watching Nick Fuentes videos and jacking off to XHamster in my mom’s basement all day. It was totally worth alienating everyone in my life so I can patrol the streets menacing individuals who are just trying to live their lives. Turns out the joke’s on all the people who call me a ‘vile, disgusting excuse for a human being’, because I don’t see any of them eating a free chicken sandwich.”

Chick-fil-A spokesperson Tina Kettering spoke about the restaurant’s special promotion.

“Chick-fil-A decided to partner with ICE to offer this little incentive program to our brave officers,” Kettering said. “We’ve been forced to walk back donations made by our company to organizations with bigoted agendas, as well as multiple cases of discrimination against LGBTQ+ employees and homophobic statements from our owners, so this is a perfect opportunity for us to reaffirm our conservative values. Through this little token of our appreciation, ICE agents are encouraged to keep up their great work robbing innocent people of their lives.”

Business expert Hawa Atieno was not surprised by the news.

“Chain restaurants are perhaps the most ghoulish organizations in our country, and that’s saying a lot,” Atieno provided. “From their appalling treatment of the animals used for food to their prohibitions against organized labor, most places you stop at to grab a quick burger are run by some of the worst human beings on the planet. I’m surprised it took this long for one of these restaurants to pull a move this galling and despicable. Honestly, would you have been surprised if, for example, Cracker Barrel offered free meals for Capitol insurrectionists?”

At press time. Ross was hoping a fourth summary execution would get him a free order of Waffle Fries.

Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to tune his vacuum cleaner before taking the stage at his most recent live show, disgusted sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so disappointed in myself,” Sours lamented. “I spent hours rehearsing before this show, and I threw it all away by forgetting to tune my Dirt Devil. I had it all planned out, too. I was going to throw myself on the ground and wriggle around for a little while, then stand up, grab the vacuum, and wrap myself up in the power cord before falling down and wriggling around some more. However, when I turned on the vacuum, it was clearly out of tune. I was so embarrassed, but at that point there was nothing I could do. I’m not going to be able to show my face in this town again.”

Audience member Shanice Harkin was displeased by the performance.

“Ugh, what is this, amateur hour?” Harkin grumbled. “Everybody knows vacuum cleaners need to be tuned to D. Frankly, I was impressed when Sours got on stage with that Dirt Devil, because that’s the hardest brand to tune. However, it soon became evident that he was in over his head with that thing. He needs to go back to basics and start using a Hoover or Eureka for his live performances, but I won’t be watching. I have a little thing called ‘standards’ when I go to noise shows. I’m only going to watch a true professional dance around like a fucking idiot on stage.”

Noise expert George Sok was asked for his opinion on the matter.

“Noise artists are incredibly meticulous when it comes to their live performances, so I find this little snafu surprising,” Sok noted. “Whether it’s making sure their power tools have enough battery or the clothing rack they’re rolling around on is safely put together, they always make sure no stone goes unturned in ensuring they’re putting forth their best, most nonsensical show. This is honestly the first mistake I’ve seen in all of my years researching noise, and the fact that it’s such a glaring one makes it all the more surprising. Everybody knows making sure your vacuum is tuned should be the first thing on every noise artist’s mind.”

At press time, Sours further embarrassed himself by forgetting to expose his genitals before shitting on the floor and eating it.

Five Other Characters in “The Wonder Years” That Were Also Played by Marilyn Manson

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s common knowledge that shock rocker turned garbage human Marilyn Manson played the character Paul on the late eighties/early nineties coming-of-age comedy “The Wonder Years”. We all heard this fact from trusted sources, be they older siblings or classmates, and know it to be true, so any kind of actual fact-checking would just be a waste of time. Did you know, however, that Paul wasn’t the only character portrayed by Manson? Here are five others that you might not’ve been aware of:

  1. Norma Arnold

That’s right, Marilyn Manson also played the character of Norma. This must have been quite the adjustment for the purveyor of such twisted and evil music to act as the notoriously happy and optimistic mother of Kevin, the show’s main character, but we’ve gotta say, he really pulled it off. At no point during our viewing of this series did we suspect that she was the same person we would see in the music video for “The Beautiful People” just a few short years later.

  1. Jeff Billings

What, you thought Kevin’s friend Jeff, whom Kevin tries to hook up with the new girl in school in Season 6, was played by famed Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi? Think again, bud, because that is clearly Marilyn Manson who’s unable to get over his girlfriend from back home, and he does a fantastic job conveying it, too. No disrespect to Ribisi, but we definitely don’t think he had the chops for this role, anyway.

  1. Ed Cutlip

Whoa, Marilyn Manson played both Kevin’s best friend and his gym teacher? You bet he did, and he was incredibly convincing as the insecure and oftentimes cruel instructor who later shows his soft side when Kevin discovers him working as a part-time department store Santa. We’ve heard alleged domestic abusers tend to have inferiority complexes, so perhaps this is where the real-life Manson derived some of his influence.

  1. Winnie Cooper

You guessed it, Marilyn Manson portrayed Kevin’s love interest as well as his best friend. The decision for this casting is actually kind of befuddling, as the number of scenes involving both Winnie and Paul is too many to count, and the editing must’ve been a fucking nightmare, but hey, who are we to argue with genius? We have to admit that he was excellent in this role, and the constant on-again/off-again romance between Winnie and Kevin had us on the edge of our seats.

  1. Mr. Cantwell

And here you thought this was notable actor and creator of dipshit religious documentaries Ben Stein showing film strips while speaking in a monotone voice. Nope, that’s obviously none other than Marilyn Manson you’re seeing as Kevin’s bespectacled high school science teacher. It looks like you’re the one who needs glasses!

There you have it! Hopefully, this provided you with some additional insight into your cherished childhood TV show. Stay tuned for our retrospective on the Munchkin that definitely hanged himself in the background of “The Wizard of Oz”.

Guy Won’t Shut the Fuck up About Being Vegan and Also About Being Moby

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — A guy overheard talking outside of a local coffee shop refused to shut the fuck up about being vegan and also about being notable dance musician Moby, irritated sources report.

“Yeah, dude, we get it,” said bystander Craig Woolburn. “You take umbrage with the raising of animals for human consumption and also you want everybody to know that you’ve sold 20 million albums worldwide. Like, we all understand that factory farming is horrific and humanity needs to find more humane and less environmentally destructive ways to feed itself, and also that you’re one of the most important figures in popular dance music from the ‘90s, but some of us are just trying to go about our day. Also, this is Los Angeles. I promise you that a lot of people you’re preaching to are already vegan and aware of your contribution to popular music.”

Moby provided his side of the story.

“I just feel that, as Moby, I need to use my platform to inform the public and stand up for what’s right, as well as tell people about how influential of an artist I am,” Moby said while getting a tattoo on the side of his neck that said ‘I’m Moby.’ “Did you know that livestock production accounts for 18 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions, and also that contemporary electric artists all see me as a significant influence, not to mention producers? I mean, I haven’t even touched upon the moral problems with us forcing dairy cows away from their offspring so we can use their milk for our coffee and cereal, and also just how profoundly I’ve shaped dance music into what it is today. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t call people’s attention to these things.”

Nearby vegan Shandra Coleman was irritated by what she was overhearing.

“Alright, this guy is definitely not helping,” Coleman complained. “All I hear from non-vegans is how annoying vegans are, and this guy is just out here perpetuating stereotypes. Not all of us are obnoxious and preachy artists with multiple MTV Music Video Awards. The vast majority of vegans are normal people who aren’t notable DJs and producers who just want to live their lives as they see fit without bothering others about their choices. I really hope this guy shuts the fuck up and leaves everyone alone.”

At press time, Moby was joined by another vegan who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about being Morrissey.

Sober Bostonian Not Into Sports Also an Asshole

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local Bostonian Shawn Williams is still as much of an asshole as any other 47-year-old white male in the region despite his lifelong abstention from alcohol and utter disinterest in athletic competitions, reported several sources who smelled like if a cigarette could grow mildew.

“I’ve been tight with Shawn since third grade,” friend Peter Sullivan said. “And like me and every other dude we grew up with and our kids, he’s always been an asshole. But I swear to Brady, you’ll never hear of him downing eight nips and then throwing the empties at the dude at Kane’s because of the Bruins getting knocked out of the playoffs. And no, it’s not like he has an ankle monitor or anything, I promise. I mean, he did like five years ago, but not anymore.”

Williams cites his traumatic upbringing as helping shape him into becoming the man he is today.

“My most formidable memory occurred during the 1986 Major League Baseball championship series. A Boston Red Sox player made an apparently crucial error that resulted in my gin-soaked father throwing our television through our front window,” Williams said. “My father had been my hero but I knew right then and there that I would be a boorish lout like him and my eight older brothers, but I would do so without the corrupting influences of alcohol and athletics.” 

Sociologist Elaine Ashley says Williams “challenges and upends” notions of residential determinism that had long been accepted as true among the scientific community.

“While not common, it’s not unheard of for a Bostonian of Williams’ demographics to substitute a dependency on alcohol with one on wearing the same unwashed Johnny Damon jersey they’ve had since 2004 every goddamn day, or to be so consistently loaded that it’s for the best that they not care about sports for the sake of the greater public,” Ashley said. “What is unheard of is for neither quality to be present. And yet, he’s still unmistakenly a complete and utter dickhead. Even more than the rest of them, honestly.”
At press time, Williams was opening his third daily serving of Sanpellegrino Limonata “chilled to precisely 42°F” and preparing to record an episode of his podcast about how “the architecture of New York reflects the city’s inability to cohere grandeur and warmth.”

The Next Nosferatu? This Guy Just Fucked My Wife

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It seems these days that we are constantly being inundated with content, whether it’s from the Internet, television, or movies. As such, the lines between media and reality are becoming increasingly blurred. Case in point, right now I’m unsure whether I’m living out Thomas Hutter’s story from the 2024 Gothic horror film “Nosferatu”, because some guy just fucked my wife.

Granted, I’m not employed as a real estate agent in a quaint little German town in the early 1800s, but I did recently get cucked by Derek, the assistant manager at our local Bob Evans, so I’m hard-pressed to think of a notable difference between us. I can’t even prove that my wife Cara didn’t have some sort of profound psychic connection with the guy. I mean, we eat at his restaurant fairly regularly, so he’s been at least tangentially aware of us for some years at this point. He may not be a wealthy Transylvanian count, but the similarities here are too big to ignore.

And get this! Much like Thomas getting stricken ill from Nosferatu’s bite and being cared for by a group of Eastern Orthodox nuns, I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning from the Farmer’s Choice Breakfast last month, and as the assistant manager, Derek was ultimately responsible. Also, the lady who took my blood pressure at the MedExpress definitely had Slavic features, so the parallels between my situation and Robert Eggers’ masterpiece just keep showing themselves. 

Who’s to say my wife’s recent tryst with this guy wasn’t done as a way of warding off some invasive, deadly plague, just like in the movie? I’d like to think so, especially because I’m desperate for a way to excuse this most recent slip-up of Cara’s for the sake of my marriage. I mean, the world completely shut down from the COVID-19 pandemic just a few short years ago. It seems completely feasible to me that the only reason we’re not currently dealing with its next iteration is that Cara let this dude raw-dog her behind the dumpsters while I was using the ATM in the Speedway down the street.

Oh well, maybe I’m over-thinking this whole situation, and this guy really isn’t the next Nosferatu. Or maybe I’m not, in which case I’d like to pat myself on the back for my comprehension skills. Only time will tell. In the meantime, some guy at the bus station just offered me $12 to jack off in front of him, so I may be reliving the film “Indecent Proposal”. I’ll get back to you on that one.

Ian Mackaye Accused of Selling Out After Listing Old Mattress on Facebook Marketplace

Posted on by Jamie Godin

WASHINGTON — Discord Records co-founder and legendary punk frontman Ian MacKaye is facing accusations of selling out after posting a 20-year-old mattress for sale on Facebook Marketplace, igniting a wave of outrage in the area’s tight-knit hardcore community.

“I thought DIY meant building your own bed frame out of cinder blocks, not hawking a Mattress Firm cage on Zuckerberg’s mall,” said 52-year-old hardcore punk purist Ken Pearsall, after seeing the Facebook Marketplace post describing the mattress as “lightly used” and “great for a guest room.” “This cuts fucking deep, man. I dedicated my whole life to this scene, staying pure and never selling myself out. I guess you either die young or live long enough to watch your anti-capitalist heroes turn into used mattress-peddling corporate shills. I guess I’ll just go work for that marketing firm my mom tried to get me a job at in the ’80s.”

Within hours, the post spread through local punk Facebook groups, sparking debate over whether it broke the anti-commercialist code MacKaye has long championed, though he seemed baffled by the criticism.

“I don’t know why this keeps fucking happening,” MacKaye said. “A couple weeks ago I asked if anyone wanted to buy my extra copy of Michael Crichton’s ‘Sphere’ that I accidentally bought at a secondhand bookstore for $3. Some guy showed up, yelled at me for charging cover price, and called me a sellout. It was three fucking dollars. I’m honestly worried what’ll happen if these people find my Etsy account. I make butterfly-shaped coasters out of scrap cork.”

Some observers argue the mattress incident reveals more about the expectations of the punk community than about MacKaye himself.

“This isn’t just about a mattress. This is a tangible sign that the late ’80s post-hardcore moral code has entered eBay-era capitalism,” said music critic Lila Reyes. “One can only wonder if he’ll auction his old guitar strings next. It’s hard to say whether the moral fabric of this scene can hold. Will Kim Gordon start hocking NFTs? Will Henry Rollins be a guest spot at the Pepsi Super Bowl halftime show with Bad Bunny? Only time will tell.”

At press time, neighbors reported steady foot traffic at MacKaye’s D.C. home to see the unsold mattress, a spectacle that had longtime fans debating principles they once treated as gospel and quietly wondering if they’ll survive even the simplest morality tests.

Kristi Noem Has Already Condemned This Post, Which Criticizes ICE, as an Act of Domestic Terrorism

Posted on by danerice

INTERNET — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has categorically condemned the publication of the article you are currently reading, which criticizes ICE over the murder that one of their agents committed yesterday, as an act of domestic terrorism, orchestrated by ANTIFA, and “Nothing short of pure sedition,” sources, i.e., us, confirm. 

“This is treason, plain and simple!” claimed the collective of botox and hatred that is Kristi Noem. “ICE was well within its bounds to execute the terrorist known as Renee Nicole Good. Thanks to their brave work, that single mother will never hurt anyone by driving away from them ever again, and to frame the narrative in any other way is a crime on par with 9/11. Furthermore,” Noem added, turning her gaze to the internet itself and by extension you, the reader, “Anyone participating in this clear act of domestic terrorism by looking at it will be investigated, prosecuted, or worse. You’ve seen what we do to troublemakers poking their noses in where they don’t belong.” 

The post, which simply describes the murder we all witnessed yesterday as a murder and calls for some form of accountability, is now on a Government watchlist for anti-American activity, a move met with shock and confusion by the guy writing this thing. 

“This is fuckign absurd!” I said, just now. “That guy committed a murder, and everyone in the country watched him do it. The fact that you are even trying to spin this any other way is ghoulish, moronic, and frankly pathetic. You are all cowards! Oh, and have fun calling everything you don’t like ‘domestic terrorism,’ like that even hits anymore. All you’re doing is changing the definition of the words “domestic terrorism” to ‘a thing some piece of shit doesn’t like,’ that’s how language works, you sort of diluted the brand. Hey, get your fucking hands off me! He,y what the fuck?!”   

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as soon as they let me out of this van. 

Year in Review: We Look Back on the Countless Atrocities of 2026

Posted on by Jon Wood

Well, 2026, it’s been quite the ride. Sure, we’re only eight days in, but I think we can all agree that now is the time for reflection and officially pinning all of our hopes on 2027. Join us for a look back at the appalling events of this already long and tumultuous year. 

A Promising Start: Mamdami Takes Office

Admittedly, 2026 was off to a good start. Zohran Mamdani was sworn in as the mayor of New York City at the stroke of midnight on January 1st. For a fleeting moment, the millions desperate for a reprieve from the nation’s affordability crisis experienced a spark of joy before everything went tits up.

US Attacks Venezuela

While most of us were still nursing hangovers, US military forces bombed the Venezuelan capital and abducted its head of state. This flagrant breach of international law didn’t just plunge the region into chaos; it effectively signaled the collapse of a post-WWII global order and obliterated any hope of a dry January.

Annexation of Greenland

As if violating the sovereignty of one nation wasn’t enough, the Trump Administration immediately turned its male gaze toward Greenland, drawing further international condemnation for threatening to seize the autonomous Danish territory by force. Really kills your motivation to get those 10k steps a day in. 

PBS and NPR Defunded

The nonprofit responsible for over half a century of public broadcasting in the US was permanently dissolved this week. Without government funding, the future of beloved institutions like PBS and NPR (and the free press they represent) is now in grave peril. Tiny Desk Concerts will certainly hit different with all of the ICE recruitment ads they’ll need to run.

Preventable Diseases on the Rise

Remember when the CDC gutted its guidance on childhood vaccinations, slashing the immunization schedule just as diseases once considered “eliminated” began reaching epidemic proportions nationwide. Yeah, a few days ago was a crazy time. 

Fifth Anniversary of Capitol Riot

Five years after a violent mob stormed the US Capitol on January 6th, we were forced to relive the trauma, reminding us not only of the fragile foundations of our democracy but also the gross miscarriage of justice for those responsible.

ICE Executes Unarmed Citizen

More than 2,000 federal agents surged into Minneapolis, terrorizing local communities in raids that resulted in the tragic death of Renee Good, a legal citizen and mother who, by all appearances, was gunned down while attempting to flee a nightmarish situation.

Devastating Strike on Kyiv

We witnessed a major escalation in the war against Ukraine as Russia unleashed an estimated 500 drones and 40 missiles on the capital — one of the largest attacks in months. That was actually two weeks ago, so technically the end of 2025, but the fallout will continue to bleed into this year and probably many more to come!

Trump Withdraws the U.S. from 66 International Organizations and Treaties

Just in case there was a single citizen of the world who didn’t get the message “We’re the main villain now” loud and clear, Trump decided to end the U.S’s cooperation in efforts to, among other things, stop the earth from dying. 

On the plus side, we have plenty of time to plan and make 2027 our year! You know, if we survive. 

White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources.

“Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of his woke agenda doesn’t translate to the modern MAGA voter and their values. Our focus groups found Jesus too weak on borders, too anti-capitalist, and too potentially brown for their tastes. We felt Jesus needed an update to bring him in line with modernity and voting trends in the white males over 45 with no college education demographic.”

Abigail Stan, one of the architects of the fascist playbook Project 2025, welcomed the update.

“Jesus is a woke libtard,” said Stan, taking a break from her hobby of drowning puppies. “John America doesn’t turn the other cheek; he pulls out a Glock. He doesn’t love thy neighbor; he reports his neighbor to ICE. The meek shall inherit the Earth? John America waterboards the meek at Gitmo before breakfast, then promotes his cryptocoin before lunch. I could think of 1488 other reasons why he’s great, but these puppies won’t drown themselves.”

Pope Leo XIV spoke out against this dictionary definition act of heresy.

“You can’t just make a new Jesus,” said the Pope from his offices in the Vatican, where he was leading a mass and giving his congregation communion wine and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza. “Admittedly, there were a bunch of other messiahs getting around during the years that Jesus was active, and the Bible is a hodgepodge collection of texts that were handpicked by Constantine the Great to best create our religion. And while we can’t verify most of the events of the Bible, and some claim that there’s a lot of potential mistranslations and exaggeration within the gospels, we already have a Jesus, and that’s that. Also, John America?! What kind of fuck ass name is that?”

Despite the controversy, Variety reports that Mel Gibson is tapped to direct a movie about John America starring Chris Pratt and Russell Brand to be released in time for Oscar season.