Gen X Man Never Able to Match Childhood High of Finding Stack of Pornos in Woods

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he felt as a teen finding a stack of pornographic magazines in the woods, sources close to the inconsolable man reported.

“I can’t believe my life peaked at 13,” stated Hull. “When I stumbled upon that sticky stack of Boobs n’ Butts after taking a shortcut home from school on October 10, 1991, I thought my future would be constantly filled with magical boner-inducing moments like that, but boy was I wrong. The jubilation of that childhood discovery has eluded me my entire life, and now I realize that I’ve never had nor will I ever experience that kind of pure, unadulterated happiness again. I feel so alone. Finding PornHub on my laptop just isn’t the same.”

A long-time friend of Hull’s chimed in with his take on the situation. 

“Matt’s full of shit, he’s not alone, the guy’s got a great wife and two cool kids,” said Dirk Thomas. “It’s very concerning that he continues to hold up on a pedestal that he found some smut in the forest once that he liked to jerk it to, instead of focusing on all the good things in his life like his family and friends. The fact that he still holds that one incident up so high in his mind tells me that it’s either a warning sign for bigger mental issues in his life, or he’s just a real sleazeball about finding dirt mags in the woods.”

Social Scientist Christopher LeRoy explained what was happening with Hull wasn’t unusual.

“Gen Xers often reminisce about fond memories from their childhoods and have trouble coping without them,” said LeRoy. “This demographic of people love reminiscing about all the things they had growing up, from finding smut unexpectedly in fields or abandoned homes, to having a soft spot for outdated technology like landlines and walkmans. It makes them feel relevant, instead of facing the reality of dying penniless because they decided to pursue the arts back in college instead of listening to their parents and becoming an electrician’s apprentice, like my stupid brother Jim.”

At press time, Hull was seen headed into the woods with a stack of x-rated publications in an effort to pay it forward to the next generation of young pervs.

Opinion: Oh, So When Timothée Chalamet Nuts It’s “A Thematically-Rich Opening Credits Sequence,” but When I Do It, I’ve “Ruined Both Our Lives”?

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

I just got back from seeing Josh Safdie’s latest hit movie, Marty Supreme, and I have to say, I didn’t like it at all. The negative reviews are correct: it’s just far too unrealistic. For example, five minutes into the movie, Timothée’s character nuts in his girlfriend and everyone is ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ahh’-ing at how the scene transitions into the film’s beautiful opening credits. When you nut inside someone in real life, there are no oohs or ahhs, or even any credits at all. In fact, your partner might tell you that you’ve just “ruined both of our lives permanently.”

There comes a certain point where a movie is asking its audience to suspend their disbelief just a little too much. People are going on and on about the fact that Timothée’s nutting foreshadows the movie’s recurring themes of responsibility, purpose, and even the meaning of our short lives here on Earth. But that’s not very true to life at all. In fact, when I do it, the only thing I can foresee is my girlfriend running to the bathroom crying and all the bills I’ll have to pay after the next nine months. What gives?

What was Josh Safdie going for with this one, exactly? Certainly not a genuine exploration of the human condition, I’ll tell you that. Exhibit A: In Marty Supreme, Timothée’s sperm fertilizes his girlfriend’s egg, which then slowly transforms into a ping pong ball. It was nowhere near as cinematic when I did it, and there were no ping pong balls involved. I just don’t understand why he gets all this praise for impregnating his girlfriend, but I’m getting shamed all day and night. Is it just because he’s a handsome, famous actor? That means he can get away with it and leave the rest of us shmucks to deal with the consequences he never has to face? 

“Oh, it’s so poetic that the baby is conceived at the beginning of the movie, and he finally meets his son for the first time at the very end!” I can tell you right now, this is where the conversations around this movie completely lose me. There is absolutely nothing poetic about not wearing protection, even if you play “Forever Young” by Alphaville while it’s happening. Let my story be a warning to you kids: don’t try to emulate Marty Mauser. And by that I mean, “don’t nut in your girlfriend.” Believe me, it’s nothing like the movies. You’ll ruin your and your partners’ lives (apparently.) 

That being said, I’m a really huge fan of Kevin O’Leary, and I’d give his performance five out of five stars. 

Tom Waits Insists Royalty Checks Be Delivered by Raven Wearing Top Hat

Posted on by Tim Graham

SONOMA COUNTY, Calif. — Eccentric singer Tom Waits demanded all correspondence be brought to him in increasingly unorthodox ways, frustrated couriers confirm.

“The record company wants to send me checks in the mail—that’s just boring, man,” said Waits while feeding a tortoise that lives in a rusted Studebaker. “Their jobs must be incredibly dull, so I like to liven things up a bit for them. These days my checks are delivered by a big ol’ raven named Lloyd who wears a little top hat. Every time he drops off a check I give him some seeds and a shiny steel wartime penny. I used to have them fly a pedal-powered dirigible over the house and put the check inside a Burma Shave jar which would safely float to the ground on a tiny parachute, but I guess the FAA didn’t cotton to that so much.”

The raven’s owner says it was challenging to train the bird to deliver the checks.

“Lloyd is one of my smartest ravens,” said Ricky Llywelyn of Llywelyn’s Bird Academy. “Even so, I had a tough time getting him to conform to Mr. Waits’ seemingly arbitrary rules. For instance, the raven is to arrive after sunup but before the sunlight illuminates the pile of vintage spittoons in his yard. And if it’s raining, Mr. Waits insists Lloyd wears a tiny Mackintosh coat that once belonged to a 1930s circus monkey named Pipsqueak. Lloyd will wear the top hat and coat just fine, but he rejected the monocle that Mr. Waits had also requested.”

Longtime record industry executive Carlton Sweat says some artists seem to enjoy making things difficult for the administrators in the business.

“They resent the suits and often see us as impediments to their artistic expression, even though we’re the ones that get them paid—after taking our cut, of course,” said Sweat. “Sometimes they take it out on us in creative ways. For example, for a time Axl Rose would refuse to go on stage unless he had a fresh piece of straw to chew on like he did in the ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ video—and it had to be from his hometown in Indiana. We wasted a lot of money overnighting straw on that tour.”

At press time, Waits had further complicated his royalty payment process, now demanding that checks be printed on paper made from shredded pre-war horse racing forms.

Unhinged Terry Gross Summarizes Entire Movie While Actor Stands By

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Beloved NPR journalist Terry Gross went rogue Friday during a live on-stage interview in which she summarized the entirety of Jason Momoa’s new movie “The Inmate,” helpless sources reported. 

“I didn’t realize she was going to reveal the whole plot and spoil the ending, which [writer Brad] Ingelsby worked so hard to keep from the public,” said Momoa. “Initially, she started with the premise, as always—‘In this movie you play a man who’s falsely accused of’—but where she usually breaks off to play a clip and then say, ‘Jason Momoa, welcome to ‘Fresh Air,’’ this time she kept going. She blew through the sentencing, the trial, all the way to the Act III climax, where it’s revealed that my character actually did the thing he was accused of. At one point I tried to butt-in, but she snapped, ‘Excuse me, I’m talking,’ and continued reading from her notes.” 

“Fresh Air” producer Ann Marie Baldonado was amazed but not surprised. 

“We’re always worried she’ll pull something like this, especially now that she’s nearing retirement. She actually came close with Dennis Hopper in ’03, but we were able to fix it in post-production,” said Baldonado, who’s worked for the show since 1998. “This time she knew exactly what she was doing. She saw us waving our arms in the wings, but she gave us a very subtle middle finger and continued detailing every aspect of the movie. The audience didn’t seem to know whether it was a joke or if Terry Gross had finally cracked up.” 

After spoiling the whole movie, including its heartbreaking denouement, Gross pumped her fist and addressed the audience. 

“Whew! I feel so free. Every time I launch into a premise, I dream about going all the way. Well, today I did,” said the Peabody and Edward R. Murrow award winner. “And why? Because I watched the whole movie. I took notes. I paid the price. Don’t you think I deserve to go all the way just once in my career? Fifty years I’ve been holding back. You know what that does to a host? If you don’t like it, fuck you.” 

At press time, co-host Tanya Mosley had wrested the microphone away from Gross to say they’d be back after a quick break and that this was “Fresh Air.” 

Yes, My Name Is Actually Dr. Feelgood, and No, I Do Not Regret Specializing in Gastroenterology and Hepatology

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I decided I wanted to pursue a career in medicine, there were plenty of avenues for me to choose from. I had a few friends in medical school who went into general practice, some went into neurology, and one ambitious gentleman opted for psychiatry. I’ve always been happy with the path I chose. Also—oh, what’s that? No, that’s not a novelty nametag or anything. My name is actually Dr. Feelgood, and no, I do not regret specializing in gastroenterology and hepatology.

Yes, I am aware of the title track from the 1989 Motley Crüe album that bears my namesake, and I assure you any similarities I have to the song’s muse end right there. I am not some purveyor of illicit substances. I have an M.D. from Johns Hopkins University and an active medical license from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, so please don’t assume you can use me to procure ketamine or cocaine. However, I would be happy to perform an endoscopy if you schedule an appointment. 

Gastroenterology and hepatology are actually quite fascinating if you think about it. Did you know that there’s a direct line between the liver and the brain, and toxin buildup from a badly damaged liver can enter the brain through the bloodstream if—oh, you’re asking me about my name again. Well, yes, it is the name I was born with, and yes, I did choose to become a doctor after the Motley Crüe song had been popularized, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to this discussion.

I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear that my services are limited to things like colonoscopies, barium swallow tests, and stool tests. I could lose my medical license if I sold you recreational drugs, and at any rate, I don’t have any. As I was saying, you know that there have been a lot of really fascinating advancements in the field of gastroenterology in recent years. You can actually take a pill with a camera inside it, and it will take images from inside your digestive tract. Wait, where are you going?

OK, fine. I’ll be happy to sell you something you can use to get high if you’ll agree to listen to me wax intellectual on my life’s work for a little while longer. I heard this Rabeprazole can get you pretty fucked up if you take enough of it. 

Nation’s Deadbeat Dads Demand Some Sort of Summer Fest Featuring Cinderella, Damn Yankees

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

SAN FRANCISCO — Deadbeat dads across the nation demanded some sort of summer music festival featuring Cinderella and Damn Yankees, confirmed sources. 

“Punk fathers have Warped Tour, metalheads have Riotfest, and tryhard dads accompany their kids to Lollapalooza,” claimed 55-year-old Ted Anders. “All I’m saying is that dads like me, who sent gifts on most birthdays and almost went to their graduation, deserve a kick-ass concert, too! Someone needs to think about us men for once. What’s the point of paying local taxes if your town isn’t gonna reward you with a summer fest featuring the metal acts we got wasted to back in high school and last weekend?!”

Journalist Carl Vickers studies Reddit forums most frequented by deadbeat dads.

“Some of their exact requests vary from region to region, with fail-fathers in Florida expecting the concert to punctuate a weekend carnival with exotic animal petting zoos and nightly wet t-shirt contests, while puerile patriarchs in the upper Midwest seem more interested in deep discounts on pitchers of Icehouse Beer for military veterans and anyone who can produce a concealed carry permit,” said Vickers. “But there seems to be consensus among online deadbeat dads that Cinderella should open and close their set with ‘Gypsy Road’ and Damn Yankees should give Ted Nugent free rein to improvise batshit crazy theatrics with a crossbow.” 

Cheryl Ann Wilcox, family therapist and adult daughter of a loser dad, noted that it is quite common for deadbeats to fixate on a perceived slight and not let it go until they’ve blown that fixation so out of proportion as to poison whatever minimal trust or meager goodwill exists in their relationships. 

“Summer festival planners need to remember that the demands of deadbeat dads are largely bluster,”  Wilcox said. “Even if municipalities were to cave and somehow book these bands, and even if they give Ted Nugent a green light to stage some grandiose spectacle of his retrograde politics, the track records of most deadbeat dads demonstrate that they won’t even show up to see it. Or that they’d get so drunk pre-gaming before the fest that they’d pass out in the parking lot at 1:00pm.”

At press time, the nation’s deadbeat dads forgot to pick up their kids from school after Winger came on the radio.   

Turning Point USA to Air Alternative Super Bowl Where Patriots Win

Posted on by Joe Matheson

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — Conservative organization Turning Point USA will air an alternative Super Bowl that will give victory to the New England Patriots, confirmed sources.

“It’s a shame to see the woke NFL media reporting that a West Coast shithole city like Seattle just won the Super Bowl,” said TPUSA spokesperson Andrew Kolvet. “We want to assure our fellow Americans that this is just another plot by the leftist media to make patriots like us look bad. We strive to provide an alternative family-friendly program free of hate, lewdness, and libtard cucks. It will be a celebration of faith, conservative values, and freedom fighters like Drake Maye. Tune in for the Patriots to win by seven touchdowns. Kid Rock will also make an appearance as New England’s featured running back.”

The game will be streamed exclusively on Rumble, where Turning Point USA follower Frank Gregory will be tuning in. 

“I’m so happy that America’s other team won the whole thing. And if you disagree, just remember that alternative facts don’t care about your feelings,” said Gregory without realizing there was nacho cheese stuck in his teeth. “It was also great that the broadcasters were Candace Owens and color commentator Ben Shapiro, and Dan Bongino was head referee. Finally, a fair and balanced NFL game. Either way, I only watched the alternative Super Bowl for the commercials, and I was happy to see most of them were about Jesus Christ and Cialis. Two of my favorite things.”

New England head coach Mike Vrabel was thrilled to win the alt-game. 

“We couldn’t have won Super Bowl LX without Turning Point USA, so we’d like to dedicate this alternative victory to them,” said Vrabel. “The players worked so hard all season, so it makes total sense that we’d win. Sure, critics are calling this nothing more than a participation trophy, but I assure you a win’s a win, no matter if the rules stipulated that we’d start with a 21-point lead to begin the game.”

At press time, Seattle police are responding to calls of a rumored “Patriot Insurrection” at the Seahawks Championship Parade.

Punk Oura Ring Notifies Wearer That They Haven’t Had Cigarette in Over an Hour

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

PORTLAND, Ore. — Makers of the Oura Ring, the health metric wearable, announced an option for punks which notifies wearers that they haven’t had a cigarette in over an hour, confirmed sources. 

“This year is all about growth. It’s all about maximizing our user base, and understanding the client. The customer is always right, right?” explained Jimmy Mitz, Oura VP of Operations. “We’ve already got in our clutches the data of probably everyone who would cough up $400 to track their sleep by the minute so we need to think about how we could best serve a different demographic of potential customers. We discovered that by monitoring the blood oxygen level of users, we’re able to tell when the user is experiencing a nicotine low. So we can send a notification to the person that it’d be best for their state of homoeostasis to light up as soon as possible.” 

Local punk Steve Christian is reportedly pleased with the new Oura developments. 

“I mean honestly it’s about time all these health companies got on board with cigarettes again. Like, tobacco literally comes from the ground. It’s plant-based. So is vodka. And weed. And mushrooms. Like I’m literally vegan,” Christian said as he crunched up a handful of fallen leaves and stuffed them into his mouth.  “It’s also great that it tracks my sleep no matter whose couch I drunkenly pass out on. I really hope it still works when I pierce my septum with it.”

However, Christian’s ring didn’t win over everyone, including Jon Kansas, one of his nine roommates. 

“I mean it’s honestly sad. Like, why do you need a piece of metal on your finger and an app to remind you that you need to do your daily habits like move your legs, light a cigarette, drink publicly, or grift the WiFi from the non profit next door?” said Kansas. “I’m personally super against technology and think we really need to move back from digital to analog. Which is why I’ve taped all of the cigarettes I need in a day to the clock hanging next to my bed.”

At press time, Oura announced a collaboration with Juul so the two devices can work together simultaneously to ensure each punk reaches their daily nicotine needs. 

We Got an Interview With Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein Because We Pretended To Be Men’s Health

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh hell yeah. We can’t believe we landed an interview with legendary Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, and we only had to tell one lie in order to do it. He apparently was only interested in talking about fitness and nutrition, so when we said we were the popular wellness magazine Men’s Health, he eagerly accepted. We figured we could just work around that little fib and get him to talk to us about punk music. Unfortunately, that’s not how things panned out:

The Hard Times: Hi Doyle, it’s great to meet you!

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein: Likewise. Happy to be here.

HT: So how’ve you been?

DWF: I just finished leg day. Front squats, hack squats, seated leg curls and leg extension. I’m exhausted, but I’m sure you know how it is.

HT: Uh…yeah. We definitely know what you just said.

DWF: I was actually hoping to get some advice from you guys on nutrition. I’ve obviously been scaling my carb intake with training volume, and lately I’ve been feeling kind of flat while at the gym, so I’m starting to suspect I’m undercarbed. I’ve been thinking about adding 30-60 grams pre-workout to my diet and maybe a more easily digestible version intra-workout. Do you have any recommendations?

HT: Hmm…carbs?

DWF: Yeah, that’s what I said.

HT: Oh, we just ate some Takis. Does that count?

DWF: Takis? I haven’t heard of that. Is it a gel?

HT: No…it, uh, comes in a solid.

DWF: Great! I’ll have to look into those. Hopefully they’ll be able to help, especially since I’ve started doing interval training. I’ve been closing out lifting sessions with shuttle sprints to boost natural HGH and aid in muscle recovery, and I need a little boost.

HT: Yeah, we know how that is. Hey, do you want to maybe talk about your time in the Misfits and how that relates to…exercise?

DWF: Oh, sorry, I gotta run! I need to go home and eat to make sure I stay in my caloric surplus. It was great talking to you guys!

And that’s it. Sorry, we didn’t get a chance to talk about music, but we suppose it was still cool that we got to sit down with him. Now we’re going to go brush up on S&M before our interview with Fat Mike, because he thinks we’re from Kink.

Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana

Posted on by Tim Graham

VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover his entire body, according to stunned concertgoers.

“If I’m known for anything, it’s my enormous bandanas,” said Muir while sipping a Pepsi through a slit in his full-body garment. “See, where I come from, the size of a man’s bandana is a status symbol. For a long time I would only increase it a little bit at a time. But as soon as it got so big that I had to cut eye holes, I said, ‘Fuck it’ and went all in. Sometimes at lowrider meetups we’ll break out the tape measure and have bandana contests. But now there’s no dispute who’s got the biggest bandana in all of L.A.—and possibly the world.”

Mateo García, Muir’s longtime tailor, says that he’s proud to have helped the singer achieve his dream.

“Mike came to me in the early ‘90s and asked me if I could make him some bespoke, extra-large bandanas since commercially available bandanas just weren’t big enough. Year after year, he would come back asking for me to let them out more and more,” explained García. “Finally, we arrived at what is the logical conclusion of his quest for the largest possible bandana: the full-body bandana. I took some inspiration from the middle eastern thobe as well as the classic ghost costume consisting of a sheet with eyeholes.”

The E Street Band’s Steven Van Zandt, who had been in a decades-long bandana-size competition with Muir, admits defeat.

“That crazy bastard did it,” mused Van Zandt. “Muir is a generational talent in the field of bandana. We got together recently and discussed the history of bandanas and what they mean for our people. He told me that in Latino culture, the bandana has roots in the resistance movements of revolutionary figures like Zapata. And I explained that bandanas worn by caucasians such as myself and Bret Michaels are more cosmetic and are used to hide our receding hairlines and/or bad hair plugs. This is off the record, right?”

At press time, Muir revealed a striking look which included a wedding dress-inspired  eight-foot bandana train and a handler to keep it from dragging on the ground.