Stephen Miller’s Mother Tells Reporters Story of Day He Burst Out of His Father’s Chest

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. — While attending an event at the president’s Mar-a-Lago estate, Miriam Miller, mother of senior Trump advisor, Stephen Miller, regaled reporters with the story of the day he violently emerged from his father’s chest cavity, disturbed sources reported.

“She really didn’t spare any detail no matter how gory or unpleasant,” indicated an unusually pale Daily Caller reporter. “At first we were excited to meet her, but then she started telling us about the day Miller ‘emerged’ as she put it, the mood at the table kind of took a turn and this was before she showed us the pictures. Pretty sure those images are going to be permanently seared into my brain. She could have waited until we were done eating.

Mrs. Miller confirmed that she shared with attendees graphic details of her progeny’s unorthodox entry into the world, but dismissed concerns of oversharing by pointing out that all births are “bloody.”

“I remember it like it was yesterday, I still have the corpse of the facehugger in his baby book,” Mrs. Miller stated. “I’ll never forget the moment it attached itself to his father’s face and at that moment, I knew I was going to be a mother. We barely had enough time to start a registry when his dad began writhing in agony and next thing we knew, Stephen had forced his way out of his chest cavity, hoisted himself out with his tiny little arms, and then scampered away into a vent. It was the happiest day of my life.”

Experts on the Trump administration stated that the story of the homeland security advisor’s birth, while “massively fucked-up” as New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman put it, in hindsight, isn’t exactly surprising.

“Anyone who has been following the administration from the beginning knew that there was something off about Stephen Miller that goes back to childhood, but Jesus Christ,” reported Michael Wolff of the Daily Beast. “Everyone just figured it went back to having no friends in high school or starting to go bald in college. No one thought it went back this far, but I guess when you’re the physical embodiment of evil, that’s something you’re just born with and him killing his own father at birth shows it.”

At press time, Mr. Miller could not be reached for comment, as according to his wife, he was in the process of shedding his skin and was not to be bothered.

Five World War I Themed Metal Bands To Check Out Since You Forgot To Study for Your History Final

Posted on by Steve Packosky

World War I, or The Great War, was an unbelievably vast, global conflict that took place a little over a century ago, with reverberations that society still feels today. Of course, you would know all of this if you had had the good sense to study for your history final tomorrow. Lucky for you, the hideously visceral, violent nature of the fighting has acted as inspiration for some pretty sick metal bands. As such, here are five bands you should check out in the hopes that you’ll learn enough to keep you from failing, you idiot.

1914

These Ukrainian death/doom metallers are definitely not subtle in their fascination with the War To End All Wars, and good for them. With song titles like “Verdun” and “The Hundred Days Offensive”, you’ll hopefully be able to learn a thing or two before your big test. Maybe just memorize these and blindly write them in the answer spaces. You’ll be bound to get some points.

Trenchgrinder

Hell yeah, this is some good-ass Bolt Thrower worship from New York City, and we’re here for it. The lyrics don’t look to be directly about World War I, but look at the album art for “Peace is Forfeit”. That counts. Just give them a listen, as you have nothing to lose if this is what you’re resorting to.

Minenwerfer

This is a very atmospheric World War I-themed black metal band from California that might teach you a thing or two. Or maybe just put them on at a low volume while you watch “Paths of Glory”? Fuck man, we don’t know. You’re the one in a desperate situation here.

Kanonenfieber
Shit, this one may not do you much good unless you speak German. Honestly, though, what did you expect? How many World War I-themed metal bands did you really think existed, and did you assume they would help you pass your final? Goddamn, you’ll be in for a wakeup call if this turns out to be an essay test.

Pantera

Alright, the fact that you’re honestly reading this is a huge indication that you need to close out of this article and hit the books. You have what, 13 hours until your final? That should be enough time to brush up on the second-largest modern conflict in human history. 

Small Town Takes Pride in Band That Moved Out of There the Second They Got Successful

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

FITCHBURG, Ariz. — A small town took extreme pride in the success of local band Okay Jerry despite the group high-tailing it out of there the minute they had the opportunity to, sources confirmed. 

“We love Okay Jerry! They are the honor of Fitchburg!” local bartender Melissa Hassel stated. “We have a poster of them on our wall with other local legends like our weatherman and a former Bachelorette winner. The drummer even signed it! Well, he actually just wrote ‘fuck you’ on it. Close enough though. He was drunk here once the day after Christmas, demanding free drinks and shouting ‘Do you know who I am?’ after this jerk bothered to get his face in the way of the drummer’s fist. We kicked that creep out and made it up to the drummer by letting him smoke inside. Our jukebox is always playing their hit single ‘Bat Outta Loserville’ due to popular demand.”

The band members sort of looked back fondly on their time in Fitchburg.

“Yeah, we grew up there. Started in my parent’s garage, got a few fans then we moved to LA where we belonged,” guitarist Casey Jeffries reminisced. “Got a sweet ass home in Bel Air now where we record stuff. Playing sold out shows all over the country. Leaving Fitchburg was the greatest decision we ever made. If we stayed we’d probably be so bored and wind up doing fent instead of secret rich drugs I’m not allowed to say the name of.”

Eric Hammond, the band’s English teacher, remembers them fondly.

“I really think I made an impact with those kids.” Mr. Hammond reported. “All four of them were in my class. They were always saying silly things like ‘fuck you old man’ or ‘I don’t care if I get good grades my dad is rich.’ You know, kids being kids. They refused to do their homework when we studied poetry but I’d like to think it really affected their song lyrics.”

At press time, the mayor of Fitchburg announced that this Sunday will forever be known as Okay Jerry Day, complete with a parade, speeches, and mural unveiling, despite the band declining to attend.

 Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’ 

Posted on by John Adkins

ASHEVILLE , N.C. — Guinness World Records announced that performative male and “writer” Sky Winslow broke the world record for the most failed attempts at “The Artist’s Way” last week, confirmed thoroughly impressed sources. 

“They say crippling procrastination and a complete lack of self-discipline won’t get you anywhere, but this record says otherwise,” remarked Winslow while packing his tote bag to go do absolutely nothing at a local coffee shop. “To break the record, I developed my OWN creative process, which my therapist calls ‘the shamespiral.’ Basically, I’d start ‘The Artist’s Way’ with some morning pages, but instead of actually doing them, I’d turn them into ‘midday’ pages, which naturally became ‘tomorrow’ pages and then ‘day after that’ pages. And after a week of ‘day after that’ pages, I’d end up feeling so badly about myself and my lack of writing that I’d end up bailing on the book for the sake of my mental health. So that’s my creative process. It might not work for everyone, but hey, it’s turned me into a record-breaking writer!”

Winslow’s writing peers were hardly surprised by the achievement. 

“Of course that bozo broke the record,” remarked David Steinbark, a member of Winslow’s writing group. “He’s always trying to get one of us to do the book with him and be in his ‘creative cluster.’ But after like two weeks, he starts making up stupidly elaborate excuses as to why he can’t finish the program. I mean, seriously, it shouldn’t take you two months to grieve the deaths of your pet hermit crabs, especially when they’re hermit crabs named Dorothy Parker and Cormac McCarthy. Ugh. Get over yourself.” 

On the other hand, Julia Cameron, the author of “The Artist’s Way,” was stunned that Winslow failed to finish her book over 150 times. 

“It’s literally not that hard. Like seriously. I lay it all out pretty clearly in the book,” said Cameron. “I mean, do I need to sit down with him and hold his hand through the entire goddamn thing? Or can he actually be a friggin’ adult and finish it on his own? I dunno. All I can say is that I’ve been writing all of my morning pages about this sucker and my anxiety is through the roof. Ugh. I should’ve never written this book. I’ve created a monster.” 

At press time, Winslow also inadvertently broke the world record for most attempts at thinking about writing a screenplay.

Holy Shit! New Evidence Suggests the Cops Were Chasing the Gin Blossoms Around in “Hey Jealousy” For a Triple Homicide

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Shocking new details have emerged from a VH1 Classic investigation into the Gin Blossoms involvement in a gruesome cold case that left 3 unidentified persons decapitated at a Rodeway Inn in Tempe, AZ, in the fall of 1992. 

With their hit single “Hey Jealousy”, the Gin Blossoms catapulted up the charts by positioning themselves as charming ne’er-do-wells making a drunken plea to get back with all five of their respective exes. An offhanded lyric about being chased by the cops went unexplored for years — presumably the result of a dine and dash or a good-natured game of mailbox baseball. However, investigators are now discovering these lyrics to be the euphoric ramblings of a murder spree in medias res.

According to multiple reports, B-role footage from the “Hey Jealousy” music video shoot seems to place the band members at the scene of the crime, with several shots of them brandishing large machetes and what appears to be a luggage cart loosely stacked with bricks of heroin. One chilling moment caught on camera depicts a member of the band using a severed hand to make his selection at the hotel’s vending machine. And from there, snapshots of a dangerous joyride through Camelback Mountain with copious amounts of rest stop sex, snake blood, and adult contemporary crossover appeal.

Investigators believe that the extremely cool way in which the footage was shot may have ultimately obscured and trivialized the atrocities that occurred on that fateful day. Renowned ‘90s music video director Skylar Rubel explained.

“Oh, bands were doing all kinds of dumb shit in music videos in those days, like hanging out with a sad clown on a swingset or using someone else’s hand to get a bag of chips. It didn’t matter, as long as it was shot with desaturated colors and a bleach bypass, you were getting played on 120 Minutes, no question.”

Ultimately, the most incriminating footage ended up on the cutting room floor, with their label A&M insisting on a cut that involved significantly fewer Hell’s Angels members. The resulting video proved to be a commercial success, with the Gin Blossoms leaning into more of a freshly shampooed, grunge-lite image with zero trace of any deranged bloodlust.    
Questions remain regarding the Tempe Police Department’s inability to solve the case, with critics notably pointing out that the El Camino the band cruises around in throughout the video is rolling down the street in neutral. Even more puzzling, when reached for comment, the Gin Blossoms fully admitted to the murders and pointed to the fact that they recounted the entire course of events in their 2008 autobiography, Found Out About the Gin Blossoms, which unfortunately sold very poorly. At this time, VH1 Classic is considering a conviction but is also confused about how to do that.

Grindcore Guitarist’s Wife Wishes He’d Not Spend Entirety of Her C-Section Taking Pictures For Band’s Next Album Cover

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Wife of local grindcore guitarist Denise Sadler was growing increasingly annoyed with her husband as he spent the last 45 minutes taking photos of their daughter’s  cesarean section birth for his band’s album cover, hospital staff confirmed.

“I knew this was going to be a bigger pain in the ass than it should be when the doctor said I needed to have an emergency c-section, and Mike’s eyes lit up like he was excited by something other than the birth of our first child. Does he comfort me while I’m being cut open? Of course not, he’s too busy taking dozens of photos of my exposed entrails for the band’s next album,” said Sadler. “He hasn’t taken one picture of the actual baby! If he can’t be bothered to be at my side, he can go bother that motorcycle accident victim in the next room over.”

Mike Sadler understood why his wife was upset, but could not pass up the opportunity for original cover art.

“Of course I’m going to document this for the band! What’s more brutal than ripping a human baby out of someone’s body, and that someone happens to be your wife? I wonder how quickly I can get the rest of the guys over here before the doctor sews her back up. I can tell Denise is getting impatient, but she knew my band was called ‘Baby Blender’ when she married me,” said the new father as he loaded another memory card into his camera. “For the last album I got some good shots of our drummer’s staph infection, but this is way better. I was expecting a lot more blood though, but I can add that in later. Also I have a daughter now, so that’s cool too.”

The hospital’s administrator admitted they regularly deal with band members like Sadler.

“Right after Medicare cuts, I’d say grindcore and black metal bands are the industry’s biggest hurdle in patient care. I swear they just hang around the parking lot, trying to get in and photograph surgeries and amputations for the inside of their latest LP or some bullshit,” said administrator Daniel Franklin. “Just go stand in the woods with a rotting deer carcass and leave the patients out of this!”

Before the c-section was complete, Mr. Sadler was kicked out of the delivery room after asking the nurse to spell out his band’s name using his wife’s intestines.

Heritage Foundation Unveils Project 2026 Valentine’s Day Cards for Child Brides

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Far right think tank the Heritage Foundation announced part of its Project 2026 family initiatives, unveiling a massive collection of Valentines Day greeting cards for child brides, the retailers have confirmed. 

“We believe in a strong family unit, and until Project 2026 picks up steam and we can get rid of the 19th Amendment and no-fault divorce, we can at least share our vision of the future with our special Valentine’s Day greeting cards for husbands to give their child brides. What 12-year-old newlywed wouldn’t feel loved with a touching ‘You’re the Hottest Wife in Homeroom’ card?” said Heritage Foundation rep Larry Conrad. “They flew off the shelves in the test markets around the Bible Belt and Utah, so once President Trump signs the executive order we wrote for him that would ban age of consent laws, Hallmark will be tripping over themselves for a piece of the action.”

Many girls making up the card’s core demographic were unsurprisingly not on board.

“If someone handed this to me I’d stab them in the dick without thinking twice. The boys in my own grade already creep me out just looking in my direction, now I have to worry about guys my dad’s age who are going to butter me up after I’m sold to them like cattle,” said 13-year-old Brianna Hexler. “Are they also going to put out a card I can give to creepy Evangelical dudes about how they’ll get beheaded just like St. Valentine if they lay a hand on me?”

Social workers saw the holiday card rollout as another danger to child safety.

“These weirdoes and their obsession with putting a Christian Nationalist angle on every holiday  is putting all children in jeopardy. If you think Valentine’s Day cards for underage brides are bad, you should see the Mother’s Day teen mom cards they’re planning. And don’t get me started on all these wedding registries for Gap Kids popping up all over the internet,” said Gail Stroman. “If we want to keep our girls safe and free, we need to keep the Heritage Foundation away from our second- and third-tier holidays or else we’re going to wake up one day to a whole line of combination 10th birthday-wedding anniversary cards. Ugh.”

The Heritage Foundation also announced a partnership with the Hallmark Channel to produce several Valentine’s Day movies about men with strong Christian values returning to their hometowns and finding love at their old middle schools.

Study: Shooting People With Arrows Does Not Make Them Fall in Love With You

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LOVELAND, Colo. — A groundbreaking study released just in time for Valentine’s Day showed that shooting people with arrows does not make them fall in love, sources confirmed. 

“The results are clear: 103 out of 100 study participants who were shot with arrows did not fall in love with the shooters, each other, or anyone else. That’s a 103% confirmation rate, since three of the arrows we shot missed and strayed into a parking lot, where we acquired three more study volunteers,” said Dr. Buck Vulpa, lead researcher. “The part of the body receiving the projectile did not change the results, either. Participants shot in the shoulder exhibited the same non-amorous response as those shot in the genitals. This deep dataset should put an end to the myths and misunderstandings perpetuated by pop culture—specifically Cupid—about how people fall in love. More research is needed, though, since one participant developed feelings for a nurse while recovering in a hospital.”

The world’s most eligible singles are already taking the study results to heart. 

“This changes everything. I used to spend hours in fuckboi Discords for ways to hack my targets’ biologies to become more attracted to me. Not anymore,” said Condor Porcini, a self-described “extremely divorced” dad. “If shooting someone with an arrow doesn’t work, then not shooting them must have the opposite effect, right? I’m updating my dating profile tonight. I’ll stick ‘won’t shoot you with arrows’ next to that info about the two weekends a month I’m allowed to leave the house.”

Cupid, the beloved cherub of romance and official mascot of Valentine’s Day, did not share the same enthusiasm.

“People get me all wrong. First off, I’m a baby. If you’re expecting a baby to come along and solve your relationship issues, you’re ass deep in the Maury shit, and I can’t help you with that,” said Cupid. “Also, this is the 21st Century. I don’t use arrows anymore. I strap on tactical gear, clicky-clack an AR, invade people’s homes without a warrant, drag them onto the street in their underwear, and shoot them in full view of the public. It’s all in the name of love. Go study that, bitch.”

As of press time, archery equipment sold out nationwide after manosphere podcasters criticized the study’s authors for being “Marxist atheists” who “couldn’t be bothered to look into the biblical Cupid.”

JD Vance Accidentally Gives Wife Valentine Addressed to Couch 

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance mistakenly gifted his wife Usha Vance a Valentine’s Day card that was meant for his living room couch, confirmed sources.

“Boy, is there egg on my face,” said the Vice President. “Usha was crying, screaming something about how this kind of shit was supposed to be over after we got rid of the futon. It’s hard enough making eye contact when we’re in a furniture store and now this. I mean, I did actually get here a card with ‘to wife’ written on it, as well as a half eaten box of chocolates. Sorry, I get hungry during my three-hour shift at the office sometimes. Classic mixup!”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to deflect the story. 

“Everyone knows that JD has always adoringly addressed Usha, especially on cards, as his ‘Sweet Setee’ and for the demon-crats to try to spin another fake news Epstein-esque hoax is blasphemously lying in the face of God and his son Donald J. Trump,” said Leavitt. “First, stain-proof throw pillows might be the most romantic gift I ever heard of! Second, nobody thinks it’s weird to give your wife perfume but somehow exotic scented bottles of Febreze is strange? Grow up.”

Drew Allmond, a representative of Wayfair who has worked with Vice President Vance in furnishing multiple homes over the past few years, reached out to quell any rumors. 

“When Mr. Vance requested a couch for his office he did it in a totally normal way. He didn’t make crude remarks like ‘that sexy sitter is so bad she should be on page 69.’ He never asked if we had ‘any thicc ottomans that would be fit for the spank bank of the world’s most powerful number two.’ Ya know, just like any normal customer he told us ‘give me a couch that’s good for normal couch stuff and not there to be fuck buddies or for me to fall head over heels in love with.’ It was a very normal sale.”

At press time, Vance sent an apology card that was meant for Usha but has been accidentally delivered to the cell holding former Venezuelan president, Nicolas Maduro. 

You Know Who Isn’t in the Epstein Files? Cannibal Corpse and Corpsegrinder

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Hey, Mom and Dad, you hear that? You hear it? Listen closely now. That is the sound of vindication. 

Oh, have you not heard? Yeah, they finally released the Epstein files. Pretty interesting read to say the least! Quite the list of names in that thing, let’s see, well, of course, there’s the president, no surprise there, sure. Noam Chomsky? That’s a wild one, huh? Dad, you’ve read him, right? Let’s see, who else, Elon Musk? Say, that was a Tesla I saw parked in the driveway, wasn’t it? Hmm. Well, hey, you know whose NOT in the Epstein Files, like at all? George fucking Fisher, that’s who! 

George Fisher! Ugh, the guy from Cannibal Corpse and Corpsegrindr? The bands you were always yelling at me for playing too loudly! Yeah, the neck guy! What was it you used to say… “That garbage will rot your brain”? “That’s the devil’s music”? “No one named Corpsegrinder should be a role model?” Well, turns out my man’s hands are CLEAN! Meanwhile, your Clinton voting, Noam Chomsky cliff note reading asses just shelled out $40,000 to drive an electric pedophile wagon. I just stopped by to give you a well-earned glass of I TOLD YOU SO, mother FUCKERS!

Oh, there’s no actual evidence of wrongdoing on Noam’s part? That’s cool. You know what’s way cooler than that? Not being named in the fucking Epstein files AT ALL and being the greatest death metal frontman of all fucking time! 

My heroes are nowhere near that pedo piece of shit, and yours are all over it. The Clintons! Malcolm Gladwell! Chris Tucker! Okay, hero is a stretch, but you guys definitely rented Rush Hour! Honestly, that one hurts me too, but the point is Cannibal Corpse is in the clear! If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pop into my old bedroom and blast The Bleeding at full volume all day for old times’ sake. Enjoy!