Heritage Foundation Unveils Project 2026 Valentine’s Day Cards for Child Brides

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Far right think tank the Heritage Foundation announced part of its Project 2026 family initiatives, unveiling a massive collection of Valentines Day greeting cards for child brides, the retailers have confirmed. 

“We believe in a strong family unit, and until Project 2026 picks up steam and we can get rid of the 19th Amendment and no-fault divorce, we can at least share our vision of the future with our special Valentine’s Day greeting cards for husbands to give their child brides. What 12-year-old newlywed wouldn’t feel loved with a touching ‘You’re the Hottest Wife in Homeroom’ card?” said Heritage Foundation rep Larry Conrad. “They flew off the shelves in the test markets around the Bible Belt and Utah, so once President Trump signs the executive order we wrote for him that would ban age of consent laws, Hallmark will be tripping over themselves for a piece of the action.”

Many girls making up the card’s core demographic were unsurprisingly not on board.

“If someone handed this to me I’d stab them in the dick without thinking twice. The boys in my own grade already creep me out just looking in my direction, now I have to worry about guys my dad’s age who are going to butter me up after I’m sold to them like cattle,” said 13-year-old Brianna Hexler. “Are they also going to put out a card I can give to creepy Evangelical dudes about how they’ll get beheaded just like St. Valentine if they lay a hand on me?”

Social workers saw the holiday card rollout as another danger to child safety.

“These weirdoes and their obsession with putting a Christian Nationalist angle on every holiday  is putting all children in jeopardy. If you think Valentine’s Day cards for underage brides are bad, you should see the Mother’s Day teen mom cards they’re planning. And don’t get me started on all these wedding registries for Gap Kids popping up all over the internet,” said Gail Stroman. “If we want to keep our girls safe and free, we need to keep the Heritage Foundation away from our second- and third-tier holidays or else we’re going to wake up one day to a whole line of combination 10th birthday-wedding anniversary cards. Ugh.”

The Heritage Foundation also announced a partnership with the Hallmark Channel to produce several Valentine’s Day movies about men with strong Christian values returning to their hometowns and finding love at their old middle schools.

Study: Shooting People With Arrows Does Not Make Them Fall in Love With You

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LOVELAND, Colo. — A groundbreaking study released just in time for Valentine’s Day showed that shooting people with arrows does not make them fall in love, sources confirmed. 

“The results are clear: 103 out of 100 study participants who were shot with arrows did not fall in love with the shooters, each other, or anyone else. That’s a 103% confirmation rate, since three of the arrows we shot missed and strayed into a parking lot, where we acquired three more study volunteers,” said Dr. Buck Vulpa, lead researcher. “The part of the body receiving the projectile did not change the results, either. Participants shot in the shoulder exhibited the same non-amorous response as those shot in the genitals. This deep dataset should put an end to the myths and misunderstandings perpetuated by pop culture—specifically Cupid—about how people fall in love. More research is needed, though, since one participant developed feelings for a nurse while recovering in a hospital.”

The world’s most eligible singles are already taking the study results to heart. 

“This changes everything. I used to spend hours in fuckboi Discords for ways to hack my targets’ biologies to become more attracted to me. Not anymore,” said Condor Porcini, a self-described “extremely divorced” dad. “If shooting someone with an arrow doesn’t work, then not shooting them must have the opposite effect, right? I’m updating my dating profile tonight. I’ll stick ‘won’t shoot you with arrows’ next to that info about the two weekends a month I’m allowed to leave the house.”

Cupid, the beloved cherub of romance and official mascot of Valentine’s Day, did not share the same enthusiasm.

“People get me all wrong. First off, I’m a baby. If you’re expecting a baby to come along and solve your relationship issues, you’re ass deep in the Maury shit, and I can’t help you with that,” said Cupid. “Also, this is the 21st Century. I don’t use arrows anymore. I strap on tactical gear, clicky-clack an AR, invade people’s homes without a warrant, drag them onto the street in their underwear, and shoot them in full view of the public. It’s all in the name of love. Go study that, bitch.”

As of press time, archery equipment sold out nationwide after manosphere podcasters criticized the study’s authors for being “Marxist atheists” who “couldn’t be bothered to look into the biblical Cupid.”

JD Vance Accidentally Gives Wife Valentine Addressed to Couch 

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance mistakenly gifted his wife Usha Vance a Valentine’s Day card that was meant for his living room couch, confirmed sources.

“Boy, is there egg on my face,” said the Vice President. “Usha was crying, screaming something about how this kind of shit was supposed to be over after we got rid of the futon. It’s hard enough making eye contact when we’re in a furniture store and now this. I mean, I did actually get here a card with ‘to wife’ written on it, as well as a half eaten box of chocolates. Sorry, I get hungry during my three-hour shift at the office sometimes. Classic mixup!”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to deflect the story. 

“Everyone knows that JD has always adoringly addressed Usha, especially on cards, as his ‘Sweet Setee’ and for the demon-crats to try to spin another fake news Epstein-esque hoax is blasphemously lying in the face of God and his son Donald J. Trump,” said Leavitt. “First, stain-proof throw pillows might be the most romantic gift I ever heard of! Second, nobody thinks it’s weird to give your wife perfume but somehow exotic scented bottles of Febreze is strange? Grow up.”

Drew Allmond, a representative of Wayfair who has worked with Vice President Vance in furnishing multiple homes over the past few years, reached out to quell any rumors. 

“When Mr. Vance requested a couch for his office he did it in a totally normal way. He didn’t make crude remarks like ‘that sexy sitter is so bad she should be on page 69.’ He never asked if we had ‘any thicc ottomans that would be fit for the spank bank of the world’s most powerful number two.’ Ya know, just like any normal customer he told us ‘give me a couch that’s good for normal couch stuff and not there to be fuck buddies or for me to fall head over heels in love with.’ It was a very normal sale.”

At press time, Vance sent an apology card that was meant for Usha but has been accidentally delivered to the cell holding former Venezuelan president, Nicolas Maduro. 

You Know Who Isn’t in the Epstein Files? Cannibal Corpse and Corpsegrinder

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Hey, Mom and Dad, you hear that? You hear it? Listen closely now. That is the sound of vindication. 

Oh, have you not heard? Yeah, they finally released the Epstein files. Pretty interesting read to say the least! Quite the list of names in that thing, let’s see, well, of course, there’s the president, no surprise there, sure. Noam Chomsky? That’s a wild one, huh? Dad, you’ve read him, right? Let’s see, who else, Elon Musk? Say, that was a Tesla I saw parked in the driveway, wasn’t it? Hmm. Well, hey, you know whose NOT in the Epstein Files, like at all? George fucking Fisher, that’s who! 

George Fisher! Ugh, the guy from Cannibal Corpse and Corpsegrindr? The bands you were always yelling at me for playing too loudly! Yeah, the neck guy! What was it you used to say… “That garbage will rot your brain”? “That’s the devil’s music”? “No one named Corpsegrinder should be a role model?” Well, turns out my man’s hands are CLEAN! Meanwhile, your Clinton voting, Noam Chomsky cliff note reading asses just shelled out $40,000 to drive an electric pedophile wagon. I just stopped by to give you a well-earned glass of I TOLD YOU SO, mother FUCKERS!

Oh, there’s no actual evidence of wrongdoing on Noam’s part? That’s cool. You know what’s way cooler than that? Not being named in the fucking Epstein files AT ALL and being the greatest death metal frontman of all fucking time! 

My heroes are nowhere near that pedo piece of shit, and yours are all over it. The Clintons! Malcolm Gladwell! Chris Tucker! Okay, hero is a stretch, but you guys definitely rented Rush Hour! Honestly, that one hurts me too, but the point is Cannibal Corpse is in the clear! If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pop into my old bedroom and blast The Bleeding at full volume all day for old times’ sake. Enjoy! 

Black Metal Musician Pledges Soul to Jesus Christ To Get Better at Guitar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PORTLAND, Ore. — Black metal guitarist Caleb “Grimfeast” Rajdkowski pledged his eternal soul to Jesus Christ in a bargain to get better at his instrument, sources report.

“I consider Jesus Christ to be my mortal enemy,” Rajdkowski said. “However, I was all out of options when it came to improving my guitar skill. A lot of black metal is actually really difficult to play, and I’m just not that naturally talented. Have you ever actually looked up the tab to ‘Transilvanian Hunger’? You have to trem-pick two strings at the same time. That’s hard as fuck, and I’m not about to put in the time and effort to learn how to do it when I can just make whatever the opposite of a Faustian deal is to get better instantaneously. Now I’m ready to join a band, and all it cost me was having to bathe in the everlasting glory of the Almighty Father until the end of time.”

Rajdkowski’s friend Stan “Necrolust” Vargo was horrified by the news.

“I can’t believe Grimfeast did this,” Vargo lamented. “He’s only been playing guitar for like, two weeks, and he’s already resorted to giving his soul to the Crucified One? That’s such bullshit, dude. It really wouldn’t have taken him that much practice to learn how to play black metal guitar. I would have happily given him some lessons to help with his trem-picking, and he could easily just turn his distortion all the way up and only hit one string at a time. Now he and I aren’t even going to get to party together in Hell for eternity because of that one rash, stupid decision he made.”

Christian deity Jesus Christ reflected on the deal he had made with Rajdkowski.

“Fewer and fewer people are embracing Christianity these days, so I’ll take what I can get,” Christ admitted. “I’ve been appearing to more black metal musicians lately, because many of them are too lazy to put in the practice needed to improve their skills, and some of their music is surprisingly difficult. It’s actually kind of funny that so many fans of black metal completely renounce me while worshiping music made by people who have pledged their souls to me. How else do you think the drummers from 1349 and Emperor got so good?”

At press time, Rajdkowski was seen volunteering at a church that he had previously tried to set fire to.

Oh No! Worst Guy You Know Has Your Exact Taste in Music

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Oh yikes and yikes again. In a shocking turn of events, just when you were riding high about to do some light doom scrolling, the beast has once again emerged from the woods to absolutely urethra chop your good mood. This time, the blow to your self-confidence comes in the form of that oh so familiar existential crisis: the worst guy you know has your exact taste in music.

Yeah that’s right, no way around it. That guy Shane that you know from your Ultimate Frisbee league — that’s right, that chode with the puffy Peter Lorre face who’s always creeping up behind the women on your team — just shared a story on Instagram of Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon” off the album of the same name, with the caption: “One of my favorite albums of all time.”

Isn’t that just peachy. That’s one of your favorite albums too. This sneaky little mongoose probably even has a story about how, oh yeah man, you know, man, it got me through a really hard time. Well, guess what, Shane, you haven’t seen a hard time until you’ve seen a man with gangly bird legs in short shorts trying to dominate the ultimate frisbee team, one errant gust of wind away from breaking out of his tidy-whities and turning the whole field into a biology class. 

It could be a coincidence, you know. Shane has major sad boy energy. Well, it’s more like… modern-day Kevin Spacey energy, but that’s really sad. Lots of sad boys like Nick Drake. But oh no. Oh God. He just shared a playlist where Nick Drake, The Decemberists, and Neko Case were the three most featured artists. He probably doesn’t even like Neko’s lyrics that much. A man who spends that much time awkwardly asserting himself into conversations and asking: “Oh, have you seen Marty Supreme yet? Best movie of the year IMHO. What’s that? Oh no, I didn’t see If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You. I know how it sounds, but I like a man’s touch behind the camera,” definitely doesn’t have enough media literacy to understand the gender rebellion of “Man.”

It’s over. It’s all over. He just posted an Iron and Wine song on his Instagram story with the caption: Guess it’s time for some rainy day tunes. You do that every time it rains. Oh God, it’s sandwiched right between posts about his all-white-male improv team. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you do improv.

As if it couldn’t get any worse… you actually liked that story before you saw it was his. You’re doomed.

Steven Tyler Accidentally Cast in ‘The Muppet Show’ Revival

Posted on by Brian Wishart

LOS ANGELES — Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is surprised that he is included in the cast announcement for the new “The Muppet Show” revival on Disney+, confirmed sources who just wanted to be signed on as a musical guest.

“The band never got to be on ‘The Muppet Show,’” said Tyler. “I always like those funny-looking dudes with their weird faces and crazy voices and wild ways of moving around. Kermit told me all the Muppets need to band together to save the theater. I tried telling him I was not a Muppet. He put his hand on my shoulder and sang a nice song called ‘No Muppet Left Behind’ and said that he would never exclude me from his family.”

The multitalented performer Miss Piggy says she speaks for all the Muppets when she says she’s excited for the “Dream On” singer to be joining the crew.

“Oh! I love Aerosmith,” said Miss Piggy. “Kermie got me to watch ‘Armageddon’ with him and I kept asking him if ‘I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing’ could be our song. That frog ran away. But now I have a true rock star who knows how to treat a lady on our show. Maybe if Kermit sees Steven Tyler holding me and swinging me around like a microphone stand he’ll realize what he’s been missing.”

The casting director for the new Muppet revival Scooter takes credit for getting Tyler on the show.

“I have all these headshots of Muppets so I just cast them all,” said Scooter. “The Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith at Disney World is changing into a Muppet-themed ride later this year. I assumed Disney was just doing a Muppet-to-Muppet transition and thought Steven was one of us. I’m a little overwhelmed getting this show together. Gonzo has blown up my laptop four times and Animal has destroyed the water heater twice. It is also incredibly rude to ask someone if they are a Muppet or not.”

At press time, Tyler is currently in three sketches including Pigs in Space and has turned down Miss Piggy three times when asked to sing a duet with her.

Mosh Pit Resolves Man’s Issues Quicker than Previous Six Years of Therapy

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Local punk Harrison Williams found himself experiencing a new sense of inner peace after fucking up everyone in the pit at a local show did more to improve his mental health than the last six years of going to therapy, sources have confirmed.

“Despite being in therapy for over half a decade I’ve been locked in a cycle of malaise and self-loathing, and I was at a point where I’d lost my passion for life. Somehow I worked up the mental energy to attend this basement show, and after 45 minutes of throwing hands in the pit all my generational trauma has evaporated. I feel like a completely new person, “said Williams. “Nothing puts life into perspective like slamming yourself into a stranger while another guy comes two inches from spin-kicking you in the neck. I can’t believe I wasted all that time in therapy when I could’ve worked out my issues crowd surfing and getting tossed around.”

Williams’ therapist had mixed feelings about his sudden breakthrough.

“I tried for years to get Harrison over his ex-girlfriend, imposter syndrome, and all the awkward childhood moments which haunt him and this is how he improves his well-being? I feel somewhat defeated that hundreds of hours of breathing exercises and journaling were completely overshadowed by an evening of shoving people around at Pissed Jeans show. Are those guys even licensed practitioners?” said Psychologist Miranda Kenner. “Don’t get me wrong, I want all my clients to arrive at a point where they no longer need my services. But Harry was my special project and I lost him to catching stray kicks to the head.”

The American Psychological Association already knew how effective moshing was for mental health.

“We’ve known for years that ‘hardcore therapy’ has been the quickest way to resolve numerous traumas, and if word gets out that all it takes to achieve mental equilibrium is dropping $15 to square up with other punks at local church basement shows, we’re all out of a job,” said representative Adam Chambers. “Many of us have tried to apply pit praxis to our sessions but had to stop after we kept getting put in the hospital. There’s nothing in the DSM about pit etiquette, unfortunately.”

As of press time, Williams’ mental health improved even further after the headliner’s lead singer dedicated the next song to the real motherfuckers who need to forgive themselves for their failures.

Opinion: Stop Calling My Online Friends Who Ask Me to Do Violent Things “Feds”

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I want to preface this article by saying that I am not normally a very outspoken person. I try to keep to myself and not make waves. I work in data entry, and I spend most of my working hours indoors on my computer. I prefer for my social life to be the same. Most of my friends (and hypothetical lovers) are people I’ve met on the internet, and that suits me fine. That’s why I find it so egregious that more and more lately, I have had some real-world haters and nay-sayers telling me that my dear online friends are “feds” just because they keep asking me to do violent things.

It keeps happening, and I am sick, sick, sick of it. Now look, I will admit that my online friends, people whom I’ve met on chatrooms and in the comments section of Twitter, have become a little bit more riled lately. But come on, who hasn’t? The world is messed up right now. Protest is in the air. Bloodshed is on the wind. Slaughter is the order of the day. At least according to my friend Mike. 

And listen, you might be right in saying: “Oh, but you’re not normally a very political person.” Well, that’s true. But that’s only allowed me to better take in the thoughts and opinions of my extremely political online friends. And boy, do they have a lot to say. And some of it did make me scratch my head at first. But this is a free country, and just because my dear friend Jason, whom I’ve never met in person, told me that he’s dreaming of a million October Sevenths doesn’t mean that he’s inciting me to some sort of psychotic violence.

Some people will say that’s taking things a little too far. Some have even told me it sounds like a trap. But if that’s a trap, then you might as well look into my big titty E-Girl Amy, who told me to go down to the anti-ICE protests and grab a cop’s gun, and then she’d send me nudes. She’s not a bad influence. She’s just making sense. And hopefully sending nudes.

And I’ll admit that sometimes my online friends pressure me to “go out and take action into my own hands.” That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it. Just because I’ve been a little erratic since I lost my office job, my wife left me, and I had to leave my house all in the same week, that doesn’t mean that I’m — as some have suggested — “a pawn for the CIA to entrap.” Sure, they sometimes say things that a year or two ago I would’ve found out of pocket. But I don’t see any real-life friends in my corner right now, so name a better option, loser.

Punk Couple Successfully Gets Baby Into Dive Bar by Dressing Her in Emotional Support Animal Vest

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — New mother Kelly Wazowski’s night out was saved at the last minute after successfully bringing their newborn child into their local dive after dressing it in an emotional support animal vest, bar patrons have confirmed.

“My husband and I have a standing date night at the neighborhood dive every Tuesday, infant daughter be damned. None of the bartenders would serve us with a three-month-old in tow until tonight, when we walked in with her decked in an emotional support animal vest I found in a box down the street. It’s a total game changer,” said Wazowski. “This vest is our golden ticket to bring her anywhere and our marriage is saved. Besides, she pisses and shits as much as those ratty, bug eyed support dogs so what’s the difference?”

The dive bar’s bouncer admitted his hands were technically tied.

“This is clearly bullshit, but last week I let in someone with their service iguana and it had the same vest on, so I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite. Even when I pushed back just a little within two seconds, she handed me some photocopied certificate for her ‘service baby’ and even then, it says it’s only valid in Bulgaria,” said door man Bruce Leonard. “I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth with her all night about ethics and mental health, but she better not change that kid’s diaper on the bar or the health inspector will shut us down again.”

Trainers condemned what they called a gross exploitation of what it means to be a service animal.

“An animal in a service vest is used to convey countless hours poured into becoming a disabled person’s lifeline. However, since you can buy these vests on fucking Amazon, thousands of people are walking into casinos and bars with any sentient creature, losing their shit when you call them out. And now we’re doing babies? Name one time a crying, helpless baby boosted anyone’s emotional well-being,” said Assistance Dogs International rep Debra Howard. “Sure, it might be nice to be able to bring your infant to all your favorite haunts now, but if she is still wearing that vest as a toddler and bites someone she’s getting hauled off to an animal shelter.”

As of press time, Wazowski argued with the bar owner that her daughter’s emotional support role entitled her to park her car across two handicap spots in the parking lot.