CVS Employee Who Unlocks Embarrassing Ointments Never Forgets a Face

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

LOS ANGELES — Martin Espinosa, a local CVS employee tasked with unlocking the store’s glass cases containing creams, ointments, and other topicals for the embarrassing conditions of self-conscious customers, confirmed that he never forgets a face.

“Unfortunately, I do have a mental catalogue of everyone who’s ever come into the store seeking treatment for rashes, sores, or infectious skin conditions,” said Espinosa. “To be honest, it’s really starting to interfere with my daily life. Like I’ll be at a Starbucks miles away and be like, shit, the barista making my cortado is on his second round of over-the-counter jock itch treatment. I assume he’s washing his hands regularly, but how can I really know? I actually saw a brain specialist last week. He said that medical science hasn’t yet discovered a way for me to get rid of the mental images of everyone who’s asked me to unlock the Valtrex. In a way, this is my personal herpes.”

Customers were disappointed to learn that their lowest moments had been permanently branded in Espinosa’s memory.

“I finally worked up the courage to do something about this fungal thing I’ve been dealing with,” said shopper Corbin Dalbow, who has been a CVS ExtraCare member since 2013. “I had to remind myself that nobody at the store cares enough to judge me — I’m just another forgettable face during their shift. Everyone’s too caught up in their lives to worry about what I’m doing, right? But now you’re telling me this guy is like the Rain Man of rash cream? What are the chances? He should be working for the police or something.”

CVS refused to fire Espinosa, despite significant backlash from dermatological patients across the country. 

“We are committed to fostering inclusive workplaces across our 9,000 retail locations,” said CVS spokesperson Joanne Greyson. “In accordance with federal law, we can’t deny employment to someone just because they mentally log the distinct facial features of everyone who comes in with disgusting warts on their balls. We will continue to support Mr. Espinosa and all the other freaky little goons who make minimum wage ensuring the good stuff stays locked up and out of the hands of violent, STD-ridden shoplifters.”

At press time, Espinosa confirmed that his talent only works in the skin treatment aisle, after he failed to recall a single distinguishing feature of his girlfriend’s best friend.  

A Man of the World: This Guy Is Actually Open to a Short-Term Relationship

Posted on by Rachel Hein

This declaration on a dating app translates to: “man willing to date someone temporarily.” The man in question is 33-year-old Scott Tolbert, who describes himself on his dating app profile as “looking for a long-term relationship, but open to short.” He believes that his flexibility toward dating sets him apart from his peers.

Tolbert doesn’t think it’s natural to put timelines on human connection. He was quick to tell me that himself. “Things just evolve, or they don’t. That’s how animals are. Panthers and wolves and stuff, they just live, you know? I’m like that too,” he shared. Among his other listed qualifications: he “loves dogs, food, and music,” promises to “make you laugh before you make him laugh,” and is seeking “a fellow adventurer.” Could that be me?

This is a man announcing he is open to something men have historically never objected to once. It is unprecedented to watch someone so boldly advertise their willingness to participate in the most standard option available to men throughout history. 

Is this radical transparency the new frontier? Fleeting, confusing emotional connection as a marketed option? And how long is short-term? Or does asking that question misunderstand the point altogether?

When I saw this, I thought… Wow. Finally. A man brave enough to consider something low stakes. This clarified he’s: open to sex, open to not defining things, and open to disappearing after three weeks, which is so evolved. 

When talking to a friend of mine who’s dated men with the same “open to short-term relationship” setting, she agreed. “I love knowing he’s going to ghost me. It’s just a matter of when. And that’s a fun game for me personally. I can’t wait to get emotionally invested.”

Though I respected his bravery, I ultimately couldn’t match Scott Tolbet. It’s admirable that he wasn’t afraid to grab the third rail. Of course, the third rail is there — the inevitable emotional abandonment and awkward confusion — everyone knows it’s there, and they don’t acknowledge it. And of course, grabbing it will immediately kill him, but he still grabbed it… He didn’t pretend it wasn’t there, and I think that’s pretty cool. That said, it did kill him. Best of luck, Scott Tolbert!

Vans to Partner With Life Alert for Aging Skaters

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Apparel and skateboarding shoe brand Vans is partnering with elder care brand Life Alert to cater to their aging clientele, representatives confirmed.

“We figured that eventually our customer base would shift to the younger generations, but it turns out that Gen X and elder Millennials are our ride or dies, despite the fact that they keep riding and almost dying,” said Vans spokesperson Joe Jenkins while giving a live demonstration of how to press the “help” button on the device. “We felt it was becoming irresponsible to ignore how many torn ligaments and joint replacements were happening with our help. These stubborn 40 year olds were scared to admit when they had fallen and couldn’t get up at the skate park. So we called up Life Alert with an idea, and Shred Alert was born.”

Local aging skater Bryan Roche shared his thoughts on the upcoming drop.

“Bro, this is totally going to change the game,” said Roche while grimacing in pain after standing up too fast. “I mean, usually when I fall and break my hip in the bowl, young skaters just shred over me like I’m an element. They started assigning points to different body parts. I was too embarrassed to admit I needed help, though. Now I can discretely press my Shred Alert and be peeled off the ground by medical experts instead of my wife.”

Ashley Thomas, a local public health expert, talked about the positive impact this product will have on this ever expanding community of aged skaters.

“Shred Alert has the opportunity to address a very specific but serious issue that’s facing people who refuse to accept that they are middle aged,” said Thomas. “Most people don’t even realize how often we’ve had to put down aging skaters whose broken legs healed wrong because they weren’t seen by a doctor in time. This won’t stop their decrepit bodies from breaking, but it will get them the help they need when they need it.”

At press time, Vans took inspiration from their own idea and is working on a partnership with select surgeons to offer two for one knee replacements for skaters using Shred Alert.

Man Foolishly Believes He’s Hit Rock Bottom

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

BOSTON — Local man Brian Keller reportedly believes he’s hit rock bottom despite not altering a single aspect of his self-destructive behavior or circumstances, sources confirmed.

“It’s time to turn things around,” Keller quietly mumbled to himself in the mirror as if he were in a biopic watched by millions and not a middle-aged man alone in his apartment immediately returning to the same decision-making that got him here in the first place. “All I need is just one thing to go my way. I am confident this is a meaningful turning point in my life. Starting Monday, or next month, I’m going to get my act together. Until then, I’m going to get hammered at a Chili’s and do some coke off the baby changing station in the restroom.”

Former college roommate Pamela Dupont said Keller may be confusing the act of declaring a turning point with actually making one.

“Honestly, Brian does this kind of thing every couple of months or so,” Dupont said of the man who is currently taking four times the recommended dose of a friend’s medication so he can focus on reinvesting in the crypto markets that crippled him financially while sipping a sixth low-calorie beer in his effort to lose weight. “He’ll make some announcement that he’s hit rock bottom or whatever, post something vague on Instagram about his ‘winter arc,’ and then a week or two later he’s sending me unprompted Venmo requests for God knows what. I mean, he’s nice enough, and I’ve known him too long at this point to just ‘cut him out of my life,’ but I haven’t responded to one of his texts in years.”

Keller’s therapist, Alisha Stewart, suggested the issue stems from a child-like misunderstanding of what the phrase “rock bottom” actually means.

“Admitting you’ve hit rock bottom actually involves a sustained recognition that your behavior is destructive and a genuine commitment to change,” Stewart said as Keller watched his Kalshi, DraftKings, and GGPoker funds disappear. “Hitting rock bottom does not, in fact, mean continuing the same fuckwad-dumbshit-self-destructive-asocial-asshat behavior that has made everyone you’ve ever known wish you would just fucking die already.”

At press time, Keller was reportedly celebrating the start of this new chapter with a trip to the cash-for-plasma center.

Inspiring! This Non-Profit Raised 7 Billion Dollars for Temporary Sports Arenas During the Largest Homelessness Crisis in Modern History

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Amidst the largest homeless crisis in modern day history, The International Olympic Committee was able to raise 7 billion dollars to bravely build temporary sports arenas all over Northern Italy. What an absolute slam dunk for all of humanity! While some non profits provide long term solutions, the IOC prefers invading a city every four years, uprooting the infrastructure, and wasting as many public and private resources as possible. Why? Because SPORTS! And flags. Do NOT forget the flags, and the waving of them.

The only cooler thing than sports is causing housing prices to rise and space to continue to tighten in the name of a patriotic dystopia that will most deeply damage the very smallest communities. Or at least that’s what Kirsty Coventry, President of the IOC, likes to whisper in the ear of the FCC just to keep them docile. 

As we (The Hard Times sports section, aka those who mosh the most) roamed the city looking for positives, a local cafe owner urged us to sit down in his recently renamed cafe, I HEART NBC. “I guess we have 6 new sports arenas that fit 50,000 people each. So that must be good. Somehow. Right? I certainly like sports, but now that I think about it…those are there forever. And we don’t knock stuff down, like ever. Fuck. What the fuck was the point of this? What are all these sports stadiums for? It’s like ancient Rome all over again, but plastic.”

Just as the non-profit’s “games” came to a close this season, so did many of the buildings they rushed to make for a 6-week-long event. Even though – wait a second – we’re just now hearing that there were already enough permanent stone sports arenas in Italy for the past 100 years for the next 100 Olympics. Good to know for next time!

McDonald’s Overhauls Deal Menu With $17 ‘Fuck You Burger’

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — McDonald’s announced that the fast food chain would be undergoing a massive overhaul of their affordable deal menu spearheaded by their new $17 “Fuck You Burger,” franchised locations have confirmed.

“For our next venture to gouge consumers, we took inspiration from condescending, overpriced gastropubs who also think their clientele are idiots. I’m proud to announce all you disgusting pigs will love wolfing down the new ‘Fuck You Burger,’ and you’ll have no choice but to pony up 17 big ones because we’re replacing the value menu with this,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “Technically we can’t call it a burger since it’s 67% sawdust, but that won’t stop us from fleecing anyone dumb enough to spend almost two and a half times the minimum wage for flavorless slop. Stop by today!”

Employees at McDonald’s restaurants were hesitant to embrace the new menu.

“Ever since Chris got roasted for that Big Arch fiasco, he’s been on a warpath. He only gave locations six hours to start selling this new burger and I gotta say for that price, I don’t know how long we can sustain it. The ingredients literally call for dumpster juice and laxatives,” said shift manager Dory Henderson. “The craziest part is that right now, the ‘Fuck You Burger’ is a hit. It doesn’t even come with fries! I suppose we should look forward to a nice quarterly bonus before all the customers sue over getting sepsis.”

Representatives from the McDonald’s R&D department said the menu will soon be subjected to many more changes. 

“Nuking the value menu for a burger that will put you in the ICU is just the beginning, as our loyal customers can look forward to melted shakes, three day old fries, and touch screens that’ll double charge you and steal your bank info,” said Ryan Jones. “We no longer want to be a restaurant chain, but a vast network of gray buildings pushing out the lowest quality food for the most amount of money we can get away with charging. And people will pay, because this is America and we can abuse the hell out of our base and get away with it.”

As of press time, Kempczinski added that a limited time $25 “Fuck You Burger Deluxe” option will come with an extra patty made of rat meat.

Who Said It? Donald Trump or Rita Repulsa

Posted on by Dan Rice

Was there ever a better time to be a kid than the ‘90s? We had the best toys, the best TV shows, and of course, the best villains! If you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of Discmans and Saturday morning cartoons, good news — the ‘90s are so back! Young people are wearing Nirvana t-shirts, people are buying VHS tapes again, and the world is facing an existential threat from a sinister and powerful evil! Did someone say “Morphin time”? 

Apparently, America was so nostalgic for ‘90s TV baddies that they elected a president so vile he’s nearly indistinguishable from Power Rangers’ sinister arch nemesis Rita Repulsa! So, how confident are you that you can differentiate her cartoonish, over-the-top evil from the current leader of the free world? Let’s find out! 

“Zip it, you gold monkey!”

An easy one, clearly Rita talking to her chief henchman Goldar. 

“Quiet piggy!”

Another easy one, clearly Trump talking to any woman. 

“At long last, those teenagers will be mine!” 

You might think Rita said this in reference to those color-coded “teenagers with attitude” thwarting her plans at every turn. Unfortunately, you would be wrong! This quote is attributed to DONALD TRUMP, grinning like a madman, his fingers steepled as he came to the realization that it was legal for him to hold his own teen beauty pageant. 

“My monster will make mincemeat out of those pesky do-gooders!”

Sounds like something a moon-based super villain would say, right? Wrong! This quote is from Donald Trump, referring to his decision to let Elon Musk’s DODGE cut the funding from several life-saving initiatives. 

“Zordon won’t stop us this time! My puddies will reduce this city to rubble!”

You’re thinking this is an easy one, right? You’re probably thinking, “This HAS TO be Rita Repulsa, why would Donald Trump be talking about Zordon? Plus, puddies, that’s a dead giveaway, right?”

Well, you’re wrong on both counts! “Zordon” was Trump’s attempt to say Zohran Mamdani’s name, and “puddies” is, of course, his nickname he uses for his children when he can’t remember their real names, which is often! 

“Magic wand, make my monster grow!” 

It’s a tie! Rita would, of course, say this before casting her wand to Earth and turning her monster-of-the-week into a giant, forcing the rangers to summon their zords for another epic kaiju battle! 

According to the Epstein files, Donald Trump also said this on a private yacht to a 15-year-old masseuse. The file in question was heavily redacted, so we can’t be 100% clear on the context, but we do know that whatever he was trying to make grow did not grow, and he became angry and abusive to the staff. 

Throwing a temper tantrum and taking it out on your underlings when your evil plans fail? Are we SURE this guy isn’t Rita?! 

“Zedd baby, you may be ugly, but you sure know how to show a ghoul a bad time!”

Another tie! Not only do Trump and Rita talk alike, but they have the same taste in men as well! They even seduced Lord Zedd the same way, by drugging him with a magic potion crafted by Finster and Steve Bannon, respectively. See, you can barely tell these two apart! 

“A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again!” 

It might be easy to imagine Rita exclaiming this from her moon base before turning a monster into a city-destroying giant, but no, this one is all Trump! The difference is the last line, “never to be brought back again!” That extra mustard on the ghoulishness of it all, that bonus little celebratory umph on the declaration of war crimes and genocide, is what sets Trump apart from Rita Repulsa. He’s not content to just let his hideous appearance, his cadre of villainous monsters, and his crimes against the earth do the talking — he NEEDS you to know he is the bad guy, while Rita Repulsa chooses to be a bit more reserved and understated. 

Adulting Win! I’ve Successfully Hidden the Body

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, that was exhausting. But also, fulfilling… in a way that I probably shouldn’t explicate on in case any legal officials are paying attention. But for the rest of you rough-and-tumble millennials just trying to make it through the day-to-day, you’ll be happy to know that you can successfully hide a human corpse without sacrificing your video game time. That’s right, it’s Paper Mario time.

Shit, I’m gonna be such a great dad.

Sometimes I question whether or not I’m really an adult. I mean, at my age, my father was already on his third divorce, and me, I’ve got all these fucking cats. But now, like my father, I can successfully disappear a second wife with no pokey cops sniffing around my “near-studio” apartment. I share the kitchen with nine other 34-year-olds who are all working on the same screenplay.

Time and dismembered limb management are the types of things they should have taught us in school. Fuck calculus, I need to know which kind of saw is best for dismembering a human femur. 

It counts as extra adulting because it was a fat guy.

While all you high-and-mighty boomers are out there bragging about your McMansions, guess what I just inconspicuously buried under your heated garage. Good luck with the K-9 unit, you out-of-touch bozos.

Looks like those old mafia guys at the deli were wrong. Home Depot is a good place to buy your disposal shovels,  although in hindsight, I wish I had also bought gloves.

Also, to be clear, I didn’t kill anyone; I just hid the corpse. What happened was, I was supposed to have been paid by a stingy bitch named… oh, let’s just call him Tronald Dump, to make a problem with a certain AP reporter go away. Well, it’s away,  but that flatulent shister still owes me $90 and a participation trophy. My generation really does go rock hard for participation trophies.

12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds ‘Warmer’ On Vinyl

Posted on by Sam LiButti

ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al” Yankovic’s music sounds “warmer” on vinyl, sources confirmed.

“There is no denying it, the only way to truly get the full Weird Al experience is to spin ‘Amish Paradise’ on a turntable. My friends say I’m nuts, but I think I just have a more refined taste for parody songs than my peers. I have always been inclined towards the finer things in life, like songs about Spam,” said Johanson as he cracked open a barrel-aged vintage Yoo-hoo chocolate drink. “There is a far greater dynamic range on the squelching noises in ‘Girls Just Want To Have Lunch’ that you simply cannot achieve through digital means.”

Johanson’s friends and family voiced their frustrations about the boy constantly bringing up his Weird Al vinyl collection and forcing them to listen to the musician’s various polka medleys. 

“It is literally a guy playing accordion and singing about food; I really don’t see how you need to optimize the listening experience for that,” said Johanson’s lifelong best friend Harry Norman. “We have all been trying to get him to dial it down. I don’t know how much more I can take. Do you know how many times I have had to listen to ‘My Bologna’? I have full-blown PTSD flashbacks every time I go down the deli aisle now.”

Weird Al historian Dr. Michael Giacomo claims that listening to the parody artist exclusively on vinyl is actually a common practice dating back decades. 

“Children possess superior hearing, which makes them prime candidates to absorb the lush sounds of ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ when played on vinyl through a top of the line sound system,” said Dr. Giacomo. “However, not every child will be able to parse the complex layered sounds; it takes a child with a very high IQ and a natural inclination towards the fine arts to recognize the intricacies of Alfred Yankovic’s work.”

At press time, Johanson’s friends and family were relieved that he had agreed to start using headphones instead of facing the speaker out his window and blasting it at full volume for the entire neighborhood to hear.

‘Out of Order’ Sign on Urinal No Match for Free-Thinking Libertarian

Posted on by Nick Brandt

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — An “out of order” sign in a public restroom didn’t stand a chance against local libertarian Royce LeFarge, confirmed sources who were scared to follow suit.

“I am unshackled from the chains of serfdom and lavatory signage,” said LeFarge, chapter house president for the Sacramento Free People’s Alliance. “We, the Free People of California grow weary, and the urinal’s ‘out of order’ sign is the latest slight in a long series of social humiliations brought about by a corrupt bureaucracy. The sign itself is just an object, one that has no bearing on my reality. It cannot restrict my individualist volition. I saw it, read it, and comprehended its worth, but ultimately the urinary free-market decided. Sure, I got a little splashback and there was no soap in the dispenser, but such is the reward of a true hero.”

Public bathroom enjoyer Randy Alderman provided a first-hand account of this stunning display of rugged individualism.

“It felt like something out of an 800-page Ayn Rand novel,” Alderman said. “So there I was, doing whippets and fighting with the man in the shatter-proof mirror when this Royce character comes in. You see, this is the only public bathroom in the vicinity that isn’t locked after 5:00 PM, so we gotta make-do. And boy do we. He took one look at the sign and shook his head, dropped his pants all the way to the ankles, and well the rest is history. You know, we’re all indebted to act in accordance to a social contract, but when the contract itself is voided it’s really up to the common man to make a difference. I believe Royce is that difference.”

Dr. Julia Franz, Professor of Objectivism and Randian historian at California State University, weighed in on this development.

“Rationality is the most essential determinant of moral self-worth,” said Dr. Franz. “What Mr. Royce has achieved here is more than just a public performance, his actions embody the very struggles that all true Randian heroes feel in the face of an amoral established order. This phallocentric self-interest is the basis of his moral rationality. It’s all astonishingly noble, and people will be talking about this for a long time. Should he leave politics behind, I believe Mr. Royce has a promising future in architecture.”

At press time, LeFarge was seen putting his hands all over a nearby wall because it had a “wet paint” sign meant to deter onlookers from touching.