Legendary Character Actor Tom Noonan, Standing Behind You, Right Now, Dead at 74

Posted on by Dan Rice

Film fans across the country mourn today, learning that beloved actor Tom Noonan, known for roles such as Frankenstein in Monster Squad, and the guy currently standing right behind you, somehow, don’t look, died on Valentines day at the age of 74. 

Noonan, whose intimidating height and eerily calm intensity brought an unforgettable menace to films such as House of the Devil and Manhunter, and who, as we speak, is staring at the back of your neck with an impossibly expressionless face, began acting at the age of 27 in the New York theater scene before his talents and unique appearance started landing him supporting roles in films and for gods sake do not look. 

Noonan’s undeniable presence elevated any project he was involved with, large or small. His unhinged performance in Robocop 2 was the highlight of an otherwise dim sequel, and his portrayal of “The Tooth Fairy Killer” in Manhunter remains one of the most haunting portrayals of a serial killer in film history. And he’s dressed like him, right now, with the thing over his head and everything, and he’s getting closer. Don’t look. 

He was a favorite actor of auteur filmmaker Charlie Kaufman, who cast him as Sammy Barnathan in “Synecdoche, New York, playing the in-film shadow to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Caden Cotard, and look this can go one of two ways, either he’s just going to say like one creepy thing and go away or he is about to strait up murder you, we’re sorry. 

Noonan was also known for his guest roles on television. He worked alongside Manhunter co-star William Petterson in CSI, and a popular episode of X-Files was written specifically for him. You probably shouldn’t mention that, though, sometimes these intense actor types find their TV work to be diminutive. You should probably turn around VERY SLOWLY, remain as calm as possible, and mention you loved that play he directed. With any luck, he’ll stare into your soul for another half a minute, nod, and walk away. 

Tom Noonan, dead at 74. You? TBD. Good luck. 

Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids

Posted on by Shane Pauker

WASHINGTON — Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry, confirmed sources. 

“I used to think this was the land of opportunity, where I could do anything I set my mind to. When I was a Little Marco, I even thought I could be president!” lamented a bedraggled Rubio, squeezing in a press conference in between his shifts as Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. “Now look at me. I work day and night like a dog and I still have to apply to end welfare. I knew I was making the nine-to-five job unlivable for everyday Americans; I just didn’t think making things worse for everyone would make them worse for me, too. So much for the American dream.” 

Nick Jensen, Rubio’s longtime aide, provided further context for the Secretary’s work ethic. 

“Marco knows this is a nation of immigrants, and he wants to take out as many of them as humanly possible,” said Jensen. “His parents came to this country, poor Cuban immigrants, trying to make a better life for themselves. What kind of son would he be if he didn’t wipe out the competition? If it takes two jobs to make your dreams come true, that’s what you do. It’s a tough economy, after all, and you can thank Secretary Rubio for that.”

Experts in child hunger warn that Rubio’s cuts to USAID and proposed limits to SNAP will limit food access both domestically and abroad.

“I’m so hungry,” explained known child Timmy Dickins. “Mr. Rubio says we’re not supposed to use our food stamps on soda or cookies, but Sesame Street taught me that cookies are what poor kids on the street are supposed to have. Mommy even says President Trump stopped making pennies because I kept trying to eat them. I miss when Joe Biden was president and the only thing we couldn’t eat was eggs.”

At press time, Rubio was seen browsing Indeed for a third job before knocking an ice cream cone out of the hands of an eight-year-old.

Long Shot, but Would Anyone Like To Hang Out and Talk About Stoned Ape Theory With Me, Who Is, and I Cannot Stress This Enough, NOT a Racist?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Fringe theory used to be fun. You just sat around getting stoned for hours on end, speculating wildly about topics you lacked any formal education in, finally settling on a heartily agreed-upon “I mean, who knows?” and ordering takeout, all without harming another living soul. What the hell happened? 

My favorite pastime has always been pondering the great questions of life, the universe, and everything in an extremely low-stakes forum under the influence of drugs and alcohol, preferably around a fire pit, preferably while listening to Jefferson Airplane, and that pastime has been taken from me. Everywhere I go, no matter how benign the fringe topic I would like to have a fun conversation about may be, the discussion veers into racism, eugenics, and far-right politics within minutes. What the fuck, man? 

I’m getting desperate. Is there somebody, anybody out there, who would like to smoke weed on my couch and have a lofty, armchair expert discussion on stoned ape theory — let me finish — who is not a racist, sexist, fascist piece of shit? Anybody? 

I find the idea that the cognitive revolution of early man may have been triggered by psilocybin mushrooms to be fascinating, and I do not see why a friendly, weed-fuelled discussion on the matter has to veer into how DEI hiring practices cause plane crashes. That’s not true, and more importantly, that’s not fun! Fun would be, like, imagining the first caveman on mushrooms to discover fire, and acting out the scenario using funny caveman voices, and laughing a bunch. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m in this for. 

Just how in the fuck did we get here? Back in the early aughts, it seemed like there were a million comedy podcasts that catered to this exact sort of thing. Now, all of those podcasts still exist, but they’re parading dipshits like Ben Shapiro and telling me the liberals want to rip my dick off. I just want to laugh and think about aliens and shit! 

Some of you may be thinking, “How could a conversation about apes doing shrooms turn racist?” I can tell you firsthand, there are more answers to that question than you could ever want to know. Pretty much anything anthropology is a fucking minefield. I’m not going to say what they are here, because that’s how bad they all are. Just take my word for it. 

I’m not saying we need to strictly stay on topic; there’s a lot of tangents a stoned ape theory discussion can lead to, and that’s part of the fun! Just as long as they are, you know, fun. Terence McKenna? Let’s fucking go! Phrenology and Heinrich Himmler? Not so much!

Tomorrow afternoon I will be on the back patio of The Daily Grind vaping sativa and thinking the big thoughts. If anyone who is not a racist would care to join me, feel free to pull up a chair, but I swear to God, if you so much as mention DEI, the erasure of Western culture, or Theo Von, I have mace, dude.  

Home Alone 1 Pulls Hitler Cameo From Streaming

Posted on by Dan Rice

BURBANK, Calif. —Citing widespread criticism and calls for a boycott, Disney has announced it will pull the now-controversial Adolph Hitler scene from “Home Alone” on streaming and any future broadcast of the film, sources confirm. 

“While not particularly polarizing at the time of its release in 1990, we recognize that the public’s perception of Hitler has grown increasingly negative over the years,” said Disney Spokesperson Susan Wright. “Though his appearance is brief and relatively lighthearted, many viewers find the Hitler cameo to be unnecessarily triggering for a family comedy picture, and therefore, we have made the decision to cut the scene from streaming and all future releases of the film.”

While the decision has been met with overall approval, a vocal minority of film enthusiasts and/or Hitler fans have expressed outrage across the internet.

“I knew I should have added this John Hughes holiday classic to my physical media collection,” lamented self-proclaimed cinema connoisseur Sheldon Jaccobs in a Blank Check fan group. “I am beyond disappointed knowing that now, on all future rewatches of this childhood cornerstone movie, I won’t get to enjoy the adorable scene where Kevin tells Hitler he should try switching to decaf. This has nothing to do with politics, I am not political, I don’t care about Hitler one way or the other, I’m just a cinema purist, and I think this is wrong!” 

While not condemning the edit, film historian Margo Keppling expressed some trepidation on social media. 

“First, they pulled Donald Trump from Home Alone 2, and everyone celebrated because he is a monster, and that was objectively the right move, but that was just a sequel. The original Home Alone is a more important cultural artifact, and while I stand against Hitler almost as much as I stand against Donald Trump, I can’t help but feel the original should be preserved as is for historical posterity, warts and all.” 

At press time, Disney announced further plans to remove Donald Trump from The Apprentice. 

RFK Jr. Appointed Head of Human Centipede

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced his self-appointment as the department’s first Head of Human Centipede, sources confirmed.

“Today is a historic day, as I have generously agreed to have my anus sewn to the face of this brave volunteer, who will soon reap the benefits of my superior nutrition and physical stamina as it travels through my rectum and into his grateful, hungry mouth. The era of Trickle Down Fecalnomics begins now,” said Kennedy Jr., struggling to perform a single pull-up with a man sewn to his ass. “The next volunteer in the chain will then enjoy a steady stream of macronutrients and unvaccinated antibodies delivered from me and filtered through the middle of the human centipede. Independent studies from ancient Sumerian tablets have shown that consuming food retro-anally has numerous health benefits, and my strict diet of unwashed, raw potatoes and horse peptides will ensure they get every nutrient a growing centipede needs.”

Human centipede volunteer Norm Cignetti was reportedly honored to be chosen as the third link in the anal feeding chain.

“Oh Mr. Secretary, sir, I promise you won’t regret choosing me for this prestigious position. I’ve been practicing ever since I got your acceptance letter, and it will be the honor of my life to get down on all fours and gulp down whatever you send my way—for Trump and country,” said Cignetti, giving a statement while being prepped for surgery. “You know I’ve sent fecal samples to every Health Secretary since the Reagan administration, and can you believe that Secretary Kenndedy was the first to respond? Well it’s that kind of visionary leadership that will bring our nation closer as our fellow countrymen join ass-to-mouth to usher in a new era of health and prosperity.”

Renowned crypto-phlebotomist and urine sommelier Gregory Weissman praised the Health Secretary’s selfless sacrifice for the health of the nation.

“Despite RFK Jr.’s recent efforts to end tyrannical vaccine mandates, the generational mRNA trauma that the COVID jab has wreaked on the American people will take decades to reverse. But rather than hoarding and consuming his own excrement to revitalize his own electrolyte pool, RFK Jr. is selflessly allowing his rugged mana to trickle down to needy Americans further down the line,” said Weissman, swirling a vintage 1996 Clooney sample in a specimen container. “Think of the strides we’ll make not only in health and nutrition, but also as a way to solve food insecurity for millions of underprivileged Americans! It’s like I always say: ‘When the American people are all one hole, our nation will be whole.'”

At press time, reporters were unable to obtain a muffled comment from the middle participant in the human centipede.

Help! It’s Fucking February, and I Still Have “Ghost Town” by the Specials Stuck in My Head From Halloween

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Please, someone, anyone — help me. I’ve had the worst earworm of all time, and I’m starting to think that my life is never going to be normal again. I’ve had “Ghost Town” by The Specials stuck in my head since Halloween, which would be fine if it was like, November 4th, but it’s fucking February.

Not that “Ghost Town” is bad or anything, but man, this has been a real long haul. It even overrode the relentless Christmas music that, for some reason, now starts up exactly one day after Halloween. I thought that the My Chemical Romance version of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” might do the trick and replace the unending loop of gloopy reggae jams stuck in my head, but nope. No dice. I even tried listening to a shitty pop punk Christmas playlist on repeat and while I was sleeping to subliminally try to get that lodged in there instead, but it didn’t work. I really think I’m doomed here.

You ever had a song with a fucking trombone line stuck in your head? I feel like I’m living in a Charlie Brown special, except instead of Vince Guaraldi, it’s just the teachers talking. And don’t get me started on the part of “Ghost Town” where the really high-pitched weird shrieky vocals come in with the “ahhhhAHHhahHAHHHHHHH” or whatever. That jumpscares me every time, and I’ve had this song on a three-and-a-half-minute loop day in, day out for months now. I don’t think my cardiac health can take much more of that.

I’m begging you guys. Is there anyone out there who has access to some cutting-edge un-earworm technology? I’ll get a fucking Neuralink at this point if it helps. I can’t stand it anymore. I know all the clubs have been closed down and bands won’t play anymore. But at this rate, I don’t want to live no more. I can’t take it.

Actually, does anyone have Elon Musk’s contact info? 

CBS Gives up Integrity for Lent

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Broadcast giant CBS announced to its staff and subsidiaries that the network would be giving up any and all journalistic and moral integrity for the entirety of Lent, a leaked staff memo has confirmed.

“On this Ash Wednesday, we are reflecting on our legacy both as a network and a news organization, and have come to the conclusion that growing sometimes means giving something up. Which is why for the next 40 days of Lent, CBS will be giving up all moral and journalistic integrity to become leaner, hungrier, and keep Stephen Colbert from platforming any more Democratic candidates,” said Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss. “Please use this time of solemn reflection to abandon all the principles you once held and just put out the craziest shit you can dream up. It doesn’t even have to make any logical sense, so long as it doesn’t get us in trouble with the White House.”

CBS staff were confused and concerned by what Weiss was asking them to do.

“If we’re supposed to be giving up integrity only for Lent, why have we been killing stories and interviews the government doesn’t like for the past few months? Was all that retroactive?” said CBS News researcher Harold Selsman. “But if this is the new directive, we could work on a few stories about ICE agents being victims of bullying, or just take everything the Trump administration says at face value with zero pushback. I just hope this means we’ll go back to being a trusted news organization again after Easter.”

The Catholic Church issued a rare rebuke to the network’s interpretation of Lent.

“I know I shouldn’t say this, but Jesus tap dancing Christ. Lent is about sacrifice and repentance for your sins, not destroying your moral compass. But then again, powerful people twisting the teaching of Jesus for evil intentions seems to be the norm nowadays. Look, right there, they could’ve given up capitulating to fascism for Lent. It’s literally that easy,” said Cardinal Thomas O’Connor. “I’m sorry, it’s just that they keep fucking with Colbert and he’s our guy. I think while she’s at it, Weiss should give up any hope she’s getting into Heaven for the next 40 days. And beyond.”

As of press time, CBS sent out another memo stating that anyone refusing to give up integrity would be permitted to resign and be marched out into the street naked.

Donald Trump Posts Touching Tribute to Al Sharpton

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump posted a touching tribute to the memory of American civil rights activist and Baptist minister Al Sharpton, likely mistaking him for the recently deceased Jesse Jackson, disgusted and unsurprised sources confirm.

“Very sad to hear of the passing of Al Sharpton,” Trump posted to his media platform Truth Social. “Even though he was stricken with the crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, sometimes referred to as TDS, he was once a Very Great Man who did a lot of good things for black people. Although he didn’t do as many things as I did, like how I created MORE BLACK JOBS than EVERY OTHER PRESIDENT in HISTORY after they had been STOLLEN by MIGRANTS, but you’d never hear about that from FAKE NEWS like CNN (I call it the “Clinton News Network!”). Now we have the Golden Age of America upon us. May Al rest in peace!”

Witness Jay Barrett reacted to the posting.

“I mean, whatever at this point, right?” Barrett said. “Of course he confused one black civil rights leader for another and didn’t even bother double-checking before he posted a so-called tribute that he made all about himself. Obviously, this would be a huge deal if we lived in any other time in American history, but we’ll all forget about it in a few days when he does some other mind-numbingly stupid and racist thing. At the very least, he could’ve used proper spelling.”

Political scientist Renna Barber weighed in.

“I don’t even think this is a purposeful distraction from the Epstein files,” Barber mentioned. “I guess it’ll have the same effect, because people will be talking about this for the next day or so, instead of the fact that Trump is mentioned thousands of times in them. I truly think he just mixed up two black civil rights leaders because he’s an idiot and a bigot, but that should not be news to anybody at this point. We should ignore this latest shocking display of racism and stupidity from our president, as I’m sure we can look to other sources for heartfelt and genuine tributes to Reverend Jackson from actual human beings.”

At press time, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt had decried the “fake outrage” about Trump’s mistake when asked why he had paid tribute to the wrong person.

Crust Punk Claims Pubic Lice as Dependents

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PITTSBURGH — Crust punk Hugh McVeely attempted to claim his pubic lice as dependents while filing his taxes, repulsed sources report.

“I read online that you can be eligible for various tax credits and an increased refund for each dependent,” said McVeely. “I have like 10-15 lice crawling through my pubes right now, so if I can get a $2,000 credit for each of them, I’ll be rich. These are living beings that rely on me for food and shelter, so how is that any different from a kid or an unemployed spouse? Everybody who’s given me a disgusted look when I told them I was planning on doing this is just jealous that they didn’t think of it first. This might be the first year I can remember that I’m actually excited to do my taxes.”

McVeely’s friend Cam Stillwater was impressed at his ingenuity.

“I think Hugh is on to something here,” Stillwater pondered. “I hope this works out for him, because if so, there’s a veritable treasure trove of parasites living on my body that I can claim as dependents. Hell, between my tapeworm and the maggots that recently sprouted up on the festering wound on my shoulder, I can make well over a hundred thousand dollars. And why stop at my body? I’m pretty sure that raccoon outside would be dead if it weren’t for the Monterey Jack Chicken Taquitos containers and Old Trapper beef jerky bags I’ve been throwing in the trash. Hell, I’m open to claiming any creature as a dependent if it means I can get some money from the government for it.”

IRS representative Grace Ramirez wasn’t sure how to handle the situation.

“I’ve received countless claims of dependents that don’t end up being legitimate after I research them, but this is definitely a first,” Ramirez said. “I appreciate how thoroughly Mr. McVeely outlined his case when he filed his taxes, although I don’t think the pictures were necessary. I’m pretty sure there’s something in our documentation stating that dependents have to be human beings, and that tax credits are not granted for parasitic infestations that the subject is too disgusting to treat, but I’ll have to go digging through all these papers to find it.”

At press time, McVeely was also claiming to be a foster parent to his pubic lice so he could receive a non-taxable subsidy from the government.

Wow, So You Think I’m an Idiot Just Because of the Choices I Make, My Behavior, and My Willful Ignorance?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

It’s come to my attention that many of you think that I’m some kind of an idiot. Well, I’d say back to you that keeping yourself in your little bubbles and not reaching out to carefully explain how being a good person works to people like me just so we can ignore everything you say and possibly respond with violence is exactly why people like me caused the mess we’re in in the first place.

What, just because I don’t have the same political beliefs as you, I absolutely refuse to grow, my personality is shaped entirely by men shouting on podcasts, and I reject literally all new information, you think you’re somehow better than me? So what if I take absolutely everything personally, love to drive after six beers, and routinely start arguments online with women when they make my pee pee feel small. That’s called freedom of the dialectical, and it’s protected by gubernatorial law.

What, just because I actively bully people, you think it’s justified to make me feel bad about it and call me names just like a bully would? Well, who’s the bully now, dipshit?

You sit in your tower, thinking you’re so much smarter than guys like me just because you don’t drink milk straight from the shit covered udder, or call people slurs for having a normal human emotion, or because you look at footage of events that occurred and clearly see what the reality is, and you have at least a middle school level ability to comprehend history and patterns.

Must be nice to feel so much better than me just because you read actual books for pleasure instead of just blog posts about how immigrants are coming after our healthcare or something, and own t-shirts that don’t have The Punisher on them, and don’t wear baseball caps backwards when the sun is in your eyes.

Well, keep it up, assholes. Because I’ll actively and reflexively vote against my own and everyone else’s best interest and prosperity as long as I live, and even if all I get in return is that it makes you mad, I’ll watch the whole country burn to the ground with a smile on my face. Because I love this country more than whatever you think being smart is, you commies.