Report: Nearly Half of Burning Man Attendees Don’t Have Enough of Their Parents’ Money Saved to Go This Year

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — A troubling economic report revealed that 48% of this year’s projected Burning Man attendees don’t have enough of their parents’ money saved up to actually go, festival coordinators confirmed.

“After all these years of being so careful with my trust fund, ensuring my parents are replenishing it, and now I have to face the reality of not being able to afford going on a peyote bender at Burning Man. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend, that we can’t trip balls at the best desert rave in the world because my dad’s tenants are balking at raising their rents?” said River Hanson. “I only get Uber Eats five times a week, how the hell am I almost out of money until 2025? Now I’ll have to fly coach to Electric Daisy Carnival. This economy is hellish.”

Burning Man organizers are increasingly concerned the lack of spoiled trust fund kids will impact their operating budget.

“Last year’s flooding was bad enough, now we have to contend with the possibility that we’ll be showing off art installations and DJ sets to nobody. Our bread and butter is entitled brats who exist solely on their parents’ money who come here to brag about it on TikTok. But thanks to all the recession fears, discretionary spending is down and these teenage adults are opting to just party at their family’s third beach house,” said coordinator Carol Jeffers. “We’d lower ticket prices, but inflation has really driven up the cost of hiring the spiritual gurus. At this rate we’ll be lucky if we can get the Silicon Valley tech bros to show up.”

Other festival promoters said that this will be the new normal unless extreme measures are taken.

“Earlier it was the big concerts canceling, now it’s the rich kid EDM playgrounds that are feeling the heat. It used to be that you could just throw up a tent somewhere in Death Valley and the trust fund babies would naturally show up within minutes thanks to never having worked a day in their lives, now they’re living from brunch to brunch,” said Hank LaSalle. “The only viable thing they can do before mommy and daddy cut them off is to set up a public trust fund or as most people call it, GoFundMe.”

The report also found most potential Burning Man-goers have found the best way to finance the trip was to trick friends into funding their parents’ pump and dump crypto schemes.

Negotiator Who Got Oasis Back Together Now Tasked With Much Easier Job of Convincing Israel to Agree to Ceasefire

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after successfully negotiating a reunion of brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher for an Oasis reunion tour.

“The feud between the Gallaghers may have only lasted the last 15 years but it’s felt like 1,000 years with the way they were speaking about each other,” said Franks. “I’m not saying I’m a miracle worker but I figured we’d sooner see Jimi Hendrix play a live concert in the Tower of London before we’d get to see an Oasis reunion. We had to put Noel and Liam into separate shark tanks so they wouldn’t bite each other’s throats out when we brought them in to determine the details of the new concert series. After you’ve dealt with this kind of hatred it makes solving the problems in the Middle East seem like a breeze.”

Liam Gallagher seemed to be unsure if this truce with his brother was going to last.

“The reality of course is that I did nothing wrong and that us breaking up is all Noel’s fault,” said a red-faced Liam clearly trying to contain his emotions. “And of course, any suggestion that I bear any blame for this is based on false reports about our history. But I have come to realize now that our problems aren’t intractable, however, if Noel for one-second looks at me the wrong way then I will detonate the dynamite I have strapped to my chest and blow up this whole reunion with the force of a thousand champagne supernovas. Body parts and blood will be splattered all along the wonderwalls. And look I’m willing to not look back in anger this time, but I will look forward in anger if Noel does anything to fuck this up again.”

Secretary of State, guitar player, and avid Oasis fan Antony Blinken was more than happy to put aside his responsibilities for a week.

“It’s really great that Mr. Franks wants to give this whole ceasefire deal a go,” said Secretary Blinken. “Lord knows I haven’t been able to accomplish shit when it comes to getting Israel to stop dropping bombs on hospitals and schools. I guess it’s because I’m an amateur when compared to the guy who got the Gallaghers to stop fighting. This is great because I can use the time I’d normally spend getting ignored by Benjamin Netanyahu to now sit on the Ticketmaster app and hope that I can get tickets to the show.”

At press time, it was reported that Franks was able to successfully get the Koreas to reunite after accidentally butt-dialing Kim Jong Un.

Bummer: Roommate is “Intrusive Thoughts” OCD, Not “Clean Freak” OCD

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — Local man Davey Hilton was “severely bummed” upon learning his new roommate, Nina McKenna, was the “intrusive thoughts” variety of OCD, instead of the more “useful,” “clean freak” OCD, offended sources confirmed.

“When Nina revealed their OCD diagnosis to me, I was stoked. Not because they trusted me enough to share some deeply personal information, but because I assumed that meant our place was going to be immaculate,” said Hilton. “We’re talking finding crumbs in the shag carpet with a mustache comb ‘immaculate.’ Yeah, I know, OCD can be horribly debilitating, but that’s a small price I’m willing for Nina to pay to have a clean place. But turns out, Nina is more the ‘what if I jump out this window,’ or ‘what if I scream a racial slur on this subway car’-type OCD. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

McKenna was understandably frustrated by Hilton’s insensitivity.

“I’m usually pretty open about my diagnosis and 99% of people are understanding and sympathetic. But Davey unfortunately had a very stereotypical view of what obsessive compulsive disorder looks like. He seemed genuinely pissed when he realized I wouldn’t be decluttering his bedroom on a weekly basis,” said McKenna. “Later, when I explained that one of my intrusive thoughts is losing control and touching a hot stove, he tried to ‘help’ by insisting the best way to deal with that is to wash the pans and load the dishwasher. He also once asked me if I could help him solve the case of the missing vape pen ‘Detective Monk-style.’ Do I look like Tony Shaloub, motherfucker?”

Psychologist Dr. Miguel Freeman elaborated on the ways various disorders are often misinterpreted.

“Pop culture has unfortunately given us many harmful portrayals of neurodivergence. But, as we learned from ‘Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,’ we should accept people who are different, assuming their differences are useful to us,” explained Dr. Freeman. “A person’s true value in a capitalistic society comes from whether or not they can make money. I mean, what’s the point of being autistic if you can’t count cards? Or having an anxiety disorder if you’re not willing to be a charismatic New Jersey mafia don?”

At press time, Hilton has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, to the surprise of no one.

Nice! This Private Equity Firm Accidentally Bought Itself and Immediately Went Bankrupt

Posted on by Ben Friedman

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a worse man-made blight on this planet than private equity firms. All they are good for is making obscenely wealthy investors even more wealthy while destroying companies in the name of “doing business”.

But in the case of Jones & Jones Capital, sometimes doing that business results in a deal closing so egregious that you accidentally purchase your own firm and go bankrupt. And man, is it a glorious sight to see.

We know it sounds confusing (and impossible), but here’s how it works: the firms buy these companies under the guise of “improving them”, then offload their debt onto said companies and then make them pay rent on the land until they can’t afford it anymore. And according to capitalism this is supposed to continue forever with zero consequences. But you know what they say: fuck around and find out.

Thanks to J&J’s bloodthirsty and unrelenting drive to buy every business they could get their hands on, it was only a matter of time before there would be nothing left but to purchase themselves, and begin instinctively making things more efficient by selling off their assets and firing employees. They probably should have listened to the nerds in accounting!

It’s like watching a real-life ouroboros finally swallow itself whole, with the added bonus of multi-millionaire vultures throwing themselves out of their Fifth Avenue penthouses. Red Lobster and the original Boeing engineers will be avenged!

You’re probably thinking what this means for you, the average American who doesn’t spend their waking hours being a cancer on the financial system. Honestly, not a whole lot since most of that money just disappeared into the ether. However, we have on good authority that a Midwest grocery store they bought and gutted is giving away free rotten eggs to throw at J&J’s recently laid-off finance bros as they walk out the building. Now that’s being efficient with your business.

It’s likely many 401k retirement funds, along with the stock market, may now be on the brink of irredeemable ruin. But watching a braintrust of overpaid, Harvard-educated daddy’s boys completely shit the bed with staggering incompetence is as beautiful a view as the Grand Canyon. Perhaps they should’ve paid attention in Econ 101 instead of harassing their female classmates.

So it looks like sometimes capitalism actually works the way it’s intended. Fingers crossed Blackrock accidentally deletes itself next!

Guy in Crowd with Tucked-In Polo Most Unsettling Part of Black Metal Show

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WORCESTER, Mass. — Black metal fan and Watain concert attendee Caleb Anderson’s choice of a tucked-in polo shirt was apparently the most disturbing part of the band’s controversial live show, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“Oh man, that guy was fucking creepy,” fellow concertgoer Jason Chen commented while scrubbing corpse paint from his forehead. “The lead singer had just unloaded several gallons of actual pig’s blood on the audience from these goat skulls that were adorning both sides of the stage, and I looked to my left and saw this guy in a Ralph Lauren polo that was actually tucked into his jeans. I was so weirded out. Especially since he paired the polo with argyle socks. Luckily, I kind of lost him in the crowd a few seconds later when the band started playing ‘Storm of the Antichrist.’ It was such a relief to get back into the normalcy of the show after that, because I was really shaken up.”

Frontman Erik Danielsson also noticed Anderson in the crowd.

“Watain is the musical embodiment of chaos, carnage, and damnation. Our live show is intended to corrupt the soul and drain the light from the eyes of all in attendance,” Danielsson noted as he loaded a gigantic inverted crucifix onto the band’s tour bus. “With that being said, however, there are some lines that should not be crossed. When I saw the collar on the shirt of that particular individual stay perfectly in place as he headbanged to ‘On Horns Impaled’ I honestly considered quitting the band and enrolling in Johannelund Theological Seminary back home in Uppsala. At the very least, I think it’s best that we avoid this town during our next North American tour.”

Anderson spoke excitedly about his time at the show, seemingly unaware of the effect he had on others in attendance.

“That show was awesome!” Anderson remarked, re-tucking a small part of his shirttail that had been jostled loose. “Being a fan of extreme music can be kind of isolating, and black metal shows are honestly one of the few places where I really feel like I belong and fit in. I just love being surrounded by my metal brothers and sisters while we bang our heads to the music we love. Hail Satan and chinos!”

At press time, Anderson had been refused admission into a nearby nightclub due to his outfit being “a little too alternative.”

Top 30 Primus Songs to Make Your Blind Date Wish They Had Never Been Born

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Going on a first date can be rough. Going on a blind first date can be rougher. But going on a blind first date as a Primus fan can be absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, to weed out potential mates, you must present them with several Les Claypool bass licks first and foremost to see if they pass your arbitrary test for a romantic endeavor. This is why we’ve ranked the top 30 Primus songs that will make your blind date wish they had never been conceived by their parents. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Lacquer Head” (1999)

Playing “Lacquer Head” in its entirety is just going to make your date wish you had normal red flags, like the proclivity to gaslight or leave a bad tip after a meal. At this point, even toxic masculinity sounds refreshing. Anything but more thumpity and dirty bass sounds.

29. “The Scheme” (2017)

Nothing will give your date “the ick” faster than 2017-era Primus. This record is actually a concept album about a children’s book called “The Rainbow Goblins” that Les used to read to his kids. No one knows what to do with that information, especially your blind date.

28. “Pudding Time” (1990)

You took your blind date to the nicest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in town, and that still wasn’t enough to impress. Perhaps a song called “Pudding Time” will turn things around. Besides, you didn’t have enough money to buy your date those sweet cinnamon sticks anyway, but this is close enough.

27. “Bob’s Party Time Lounge” (1997)

Was it the line “been erect here now for 13 days?” specifically that made your date immediately check their phone for the next several minutes? Hard to tell for sure where you lost them.

26. “Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers” (1991)

This is one of only four or five Primus tracks where the guitar kicks off the song, which in theory makes it more approachable to the normies. It must be stressed though that this is “in theory.”

25. “Mary the Ice Cube” (2002)

At some point your date is just going to come out and say it: “Primus sucks.” But when you subsequently agree with that sentiment, it will only confuse the hell out of them. This is where you begin chanting “Primus sucks, Primus sucks.” Great, now you just look like a psychopath.

24. “Pure Imagination” (2014)

Putting on this song will just about ruin “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” for them, not to mention your chances at a second date and your friendship with the person who set you up on this date in the first place, and most importantly your ability to come back to the restaurant because you played this one over their PA and now you’re banned from three different Outback Steakhouse locations.

23. “The Air Is Getting Slippery” (1993)

Your date never once specified that they didn’t enjoy the sound of banjos. This one is more on them. Not you.

22. “Southbound Pachyderm” (1995)

If asking your date to split the check at dinner wasn’t enough to turn them off, certainly anything off “Tales From the Punchbowl” will put them over the edge. Plus, this will make your date wish they had never been born so much that they will begin to resent their otherwise loving parents for bringing them into this cruel, Primus-sympathizing world.

21. “Welcome To This World” (1993)

And to think, you actually dressed up for this date in your finest “Pork Soda” album cover t-shirt only for the person to suddenly “feel sick” during the Primus marathon portion of the evening. You just can’t seem to win.

20. “South Park Theme” (1997)

Nothing will turn off a first date quicker than playing them a theme song from a Comedy Central cartoon, even if Primus wrote and performed it. Only thing worse is playing them the “Malcolm in the Middle” theme song by They Might Be Giants. Actually, that might be equivalent.

19. “Here Come the Bastards” (1991)

Try to put yourself in your date’s shoes for just a minute here. You’re playing them music they’ve never even thought to seek out while you’re trying to get them to know you. A little slice of “Sailing the Seas of Cheese” should do the trick. Actually, on paper, this should work.

18. “Kalamazoo” (1997)

Dates are kind of like interviews, in that you really have to show that you are the right person for the job or at least that you’re qualified to make out a little at the end. Unfortunately, in both instances, you’ve played Primus to break the ice, which is poor etiquette. Wait until you’re hired or are exclusive before playing anything from the “Brown Album.”

17. “Professor Nutbutter’s House of Treats” (1995)

Hey, it’s not your fault your date has never heard of Primus before. This is going to be a teachable moment one or another. I promise you, your date will never forget Primus after this date. Or you. Just not in the way you were hoping for.

16. “Pork Soda” (1993)

This is technically a song, but the almost violent auditory assault will likely make your date put their fingers in their ears to avoid having to acknowledge the existence of the questionable instrumental arrangement. This probably doesn’t mean you’re getting a second date. So close though.

Pages: 1 2

Good News: Experts Claim Depressed People No Longer Have to Walk Into Ocean, It Will Now Come to Them

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to the ocean in order to end it all, pleased sources report.

“You heard that right, all you sad people. The ocean’s going to do your dirty work for you and come straight to your doorstep,” said lead researcher Robert Allen. “Amazon has inspired this change in more ways than one! But emissions aside, this was really because the public has been telling us they need more mental health services. And we, and the relentless march of climate change, listened. We’ve been learning a lot about how one of the main symptoms of depression is lack of motivation, so the thing about the ocean should come as a great relief for millions. They wouldn’t understand hard work, but hopefully they can appreciate it and maybe even thank us before they’re gone.”

Joan Ericson, a severely depressed resident of Kanas, shared her reaction to this groundbreaking report.

“You know I’ve never seen the ocean in my life, all I have a dirty lakes and ponds, and i’ll be damned if I make one of those bogs my eternal resting place. With work, family obligations, and my dog, I’m constantly struggling to fit suicide attempts into my schedule, so to hear that the rising ocean levels are coming my way really makes things easier for me,” said Ericson. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a glimmer of hope in almost a decade. This is going to be bigger than meal prep.”

Climate scientist Katie Saracina went into more depth on this life-changing and incredible discovery.

“I’ve never smiled during an interview before. It’s so rare we get to share good news,” said Saracina. “To be honest, I was confused by the reaction when we released the new sea level report. All my years of studying the effects of sea level rise told me this is catastrophic, but now everyone is talking about what a great thing this is for people who want to check out a bit early. I can see the silver lining, I guess.”

As of press time, experts are working on a report now about a massive meteor that’s likely to wipe out the whole Midwest.

7 Items You Can Use Instead of Toilet Paper Because, Fuck It, You Don’t Own This Place

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Ruh-roh! Run out of toilet paper and wonder what else you can use? Luckily, you can’t afford to own a toilet let alone the sewer laterals that transport shit from a toilet to the waste treatment facility so what you flush down the pot really isn’t your problem. It’s your landlord’s. And fuck that guy.

Now’s your chance to revel in the freedom that is not owning a home while sticking it to the ruling class by clogging up their pipes in a fun and inventive way. Next time you find yourself reaching for an empty roll of toilet paper try these 7 alternatives for cleaning your behind.

Your ex’s Korn t-shirt
This is really a two birds, one porcelain throne kind of situation. You asked him to pick up his box of stuff many times and the worn-in softness makes it ideal for ass wiping while retaining pipe-clogging properties. Unleash that freak.

Kitty Litter
Do you have a cat? Of course not. Your lease says no pets. But it doesn’t specifically say you can’t flush cat litter down the toilet, now does it? Your landlord deprives you the joy of a fluffy companion. And for that you should shit in a litter box and flush it down his toilet.

Newspaper
Not the most comfortable material to clean your nethers but it does make a political statement. Sports section? Classifieds? Obituaries (weird but, we won’t judge)? Show the world how you really feel with the wipe of an ass.
Non-flushable baby wipes
It’s the luxury choice. Clean, comfortable, and refreshing with the power to build up over time and wreak havoc after you’ve already moved out.

The tube
We’ve all been there. When faced with nothing or the empty toilet roll sometimes you gotta make do with what you’ve got. It might take a couple tries to get it down but keep the faith and keep smashing that toilet flush handle.

Tony Robbins Life Force
Your insufferable roommate won’t stop quoting it and left it right there on the toilet tank. Take charge of your life in a meaningful way. Wipe your ass with Tony.

All 30+ pages of your rental agreement
From limiting overnight guests to forbidding ukuleles on the property your asshole landlord has micromanaged every aspect of your life. He failed, however, to put a clause in there regarding damage to plumbing. So Doordash yourself some Taco Bell, cozy up with your lease, and let ‘er rip.

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.

“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessica Hanover while munching grapes from a bunch held above her head by an intern. “The Giant Desk Concerts, which will be held on a desk the size of a football field, are going to make The Eras Tour look like a goddamn child’s puppet show. We’re going to bring in Sturgill Simpson and turn him into a cosmic country cyborg, Esperanza Spalding is going to be shot into space, and Clairo will execute every fifth person in the audience on a jumbotron, just because.”

“Truly, all who witness a Giant Desk Concert shall love it and despair,” added Hanover.

Longtime NPR listener Marissa Torres was conflicted by the popular non-profit video series’ abrupt turn into bacchanalian excess.

“I love the Tiny Desk Concerts,” said Torres. “The way that we get to see Chappell Roan do a gentle acoustic version of ‘Pink Pony Club’ so straights will feel comfortable or how Justin Timberlake performs an indie classic like ‘Pusher Love Girl,’ that’s what it’s all about. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with my tax-deductible NPR donations going to what was described as a ‘stage that will pierce the very Heavens themselves and affront God on His weak-ass throne.’ That’s not what I thought my $15 was funding.”

Folk singer Laura Gibson, the inaugural performer of the Tiny Desk Concert series, was upset to hear about the upcoming new variation of the NPR staple.

“What the fuck?” said Gibson. “When I did TDC, I had to do it at [former ‘All Songs Considered’ host Bob Boilen’s] actual desk, and they wouldn’t even validate my parking. Charli XCX is apparently going to do an acoustic set with the entire Supreme Court on backing vocals, and all I got was [NPR editor] Stephen Thompson forgetting to take his coffee mug out of the shot. I may be an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose work fuses contemporary Americana, pop stylings, and rock to examine my Oregonian roots, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to chug wine excavated from the Great Pyramid of Giza onstage while the Blue Angels scream over a crowd of 500,000 people. Everyone wants that.”

As of press time, National Public Radio had further announced that ‘All Things Considered’ had been cut due to lack of funding.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Beyoncé To Perform At The DNC

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by, and you’ve done nothing to expand your worldview. Namely, in the field of new music. Your friends are worried about you, and have been blasting your record collection behind your back for years. It’s time for a change. New music is so easy to find these days that it’s actually a herculean task to stay stuck in your old ways. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this, so here are six new songs to get you on your way.

Less Than Jake ‘Not My Problem’

The summer of 2024 is nearly over. It was speculated that a ska revival – comparable to that one year in the nineties where everyone inexplicably liked the genre – would flourish, but that didn’t quite turn out to be true. But before you throw your checkered vans in the trash you can take solace in the fact that the skacore legends like Less Than Jake are still holding up their end of the bargain.

Blink-182 ‘No Fun’ & ‘All In My Head’

After their massively successful reunion album, ‘One More Time,’ Blink-182 is set to release a sequel in the form of eight new songs culled from the original sessions. The first two to be released, ‘No Fun’ and ‘All In My Head’ pick up right where ‘One More Time’ left off, delivering stadium-ready hooks with maxed out production value. They’re almost good enough to convince you to get your old band back together, but please be advised that is a terrible idea.

Laura Jane Grace ‘Baby, Baby’ (The Sidekicks Cover)

Famed Chicago punk label, Red Scare Records, is set to release a new compilation record in celebration of their 20th year in operation. The comp is set to feature new songs and covers from an absolutely stacked lineup of bands that have peppered the label’s storied roster. Among the tracklist is Laura Jane Grace’s excellent cover of Red Scare alumni The Sidekicks’ 2012 track, ‘Baby, Baby,’ which Grace has deemed her favorite of the Ohio band’s beloved discography.

Amyl and the Sniffers ‘Chewing Gum’

Drop what you’re doing and shut the fuck up. Amyl and the Sniffers have a new album coming out and literally nothing else is as important as that. The Aussie quartet’s third full length, ‘Cartoon Darkness,’ is set to drop at the end of October. Because the band knows that is a ridiculously long time to wait for more of their high octane magic, they’ve released the single ‘Chewing Gum.’ Unlike your favorite brand, this one will maintain its flavor for unlimited spins.

Balance and Composure ‘any means’

Your saddest, most lethargic friend has had a noticeable pep in their step lately. That’s probably because a reunion album from indie mainstays Balance and Composure is rapidly approaching. ‘With You In Spirit’ will mark the band’s first new album in nearly a decade, and based on the lead singles, it will be well worth the wait. The latest teaser, ‘Any Means,’ is lush as hell and filled to the brim with lyrics that will soon become your aforementioned friend’s vague Facebook posts for weeks to come.

Because we know you can never go back to your hideously boring old life, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.