Good news boys and ghouls, the wait is almost over! Soon it will be time to go trick-or-treating! You won’t be able to tear through a pillowcase of sugar without dying for the rest of your life so enjoy it while it lasts!
As every candy-conscious child knows, trick-or-treating is all about location. Pick the wrong neighborhood and you’ll be stuck trying to convince yourself you like Bit-O-Honeys ’til Easter. If your parents have decided to take you to the small town of Twin Peaks this year, good news, you have cool parents! They might just seem weird now but trust us, you’ll appreciate it once you and you’re your friends need a chill place to drink. Unfortunately, this town is full of secrets and horrors beyond your reckoning so, you know, there’s that to contend with.
Fear not! Follow our guide and you’ll be enjoying Snickers and Reese’s cups well into December! Stray from it, and you might wind up dead, wrapped up in plastic. The stakes are high, so let’s get into it! Here’s every character from David Lynch’s cerebral late-night ‘90s soap opera ranked by who gives out the best candy!
50. Johnny Horne
Still trick-or-treating actually.
49. Deputy Andy Brennan
Also still trick-or-treating. Should he have a gun?
48. Jacques Renault
He left his candy at a club across the Canadian border and he wants you to follow him there. DON’T.
47. James Hurley
Kids don’t knock on James’ door for Halloween because his door is the open road baby. And his bed is his bike. And cliche soap opera subplots that go absolutely nowhere and don’t tie back to the main story in any way? That’s his living room.
46. Benjamin Horne
Once upon a time, Ben Horne would sick attack dogs on any child that game within 20 yards of his front gate, but he has since reformed and dedicated himself to being “Good.” Unfortunately, he course-corrected too far in the opposite direction. He’s the weirdo who hands out toothbrushes and raisins now. Plus he tells all the kids that he’s their biological father.
45. Harold Smith
“Go away, I’m doing flower secrets!”
44. Audrey Horne
When she opens the door she’s crying and when you ask her what’s wrong she says “I don’t have any candy!” and then she does a sad little jazz dance until you give her some of yours.
43. Leo Johnson
If you ring Leo’s door on Halloween night he’ll hand you a large Ziploc bag filled with Snickers, Reese’s Cups, Peanut M&M’s, the works. Primo shit. So why doesn’t he rank hire? Because to qualify as Halloween candy, it has to be given. Every kid Leo floats candy to has one week to get him five grand, “or else.”
42. Hank Jennings
Oh hell no. You knock on Hank’s door and he’ll try spinning it that you owe HIM candy for all the time he did in the joint. Like, chill dude, I’m 11!
41. Andrew Packard
Wait, isn’t that the dude from “Halloween 3?” Stay away kids!
40. Nadine Hurley
Big Ed is a legendary candy-giver, but if you have the misfortune of knocking on his door when he’s in the can you’ll get his wife Nadine, who will absolutely lose her shit when you ask if she’s a pirate and throw a bunch of failed silent curtain rings at you.
39. Pete Martell
Pete’s a great guy, but he doesn’t totally get Halloween.
“You kids like fishing lures?”
“No.”
“A poem then”
38. Jerry Horne
When kids knock on his door instead of giving them candy he pulls out a brie and butter sandwich and goes on and on about how good they are and how many of them he ate a day in Europe before taking a comically large bite. Then when the kids ask “Can we try it?” he screams “What? No! Never!” and slams the door shut.
37. Dick Tremayne
“A shame, I had some wonderful tins of beluga caviar but the last group of kids cleaned me right out.” Sure you did Dick. Sure you did.
36. Leland Palmer
He’ll have a big reaction to your costumes, then tell you they remind him of when his Laura used to dress up for Halloween and start crying. Then he gets all happy again and insists you dance to the “Monster Mash” with him, and he’s playing the grief card so you have to do it. Leland is a lot, and the clock is ticking.
35. Windom Earle
Once an FBI agent who gave awesome candy with no strings attached, Windom has long since gone completely insane. There’s still candy to be had dear children, oh yes, but to find it you’ll need to follow a series of clues, each more dangerous and horrifying than the last. So what do you say kids, do you want to play Windom Earl’s twisted game? The answer is of course no. Filling up that pillowcase is about clock management!
34. Bobby Briggs
If you’re trick-or-treating and Bobby answers the door he’ll tell you to beat it, but he’ll say it a different way every time. “Get lost!” “Make tracks” “You better pound that pavement or I’ll pound your face!” He’s an inexhaustible source of needlessly hostile cornball threats, and it’s charming in a way.
33. Mike Nelson
No candy, but he’ll let you sneak a sip of his beer.
32. Jean Renault
“Before you came here, Twin Peaks was a simple place. My brothers deal dope to the teenagers and the truck drivers. One-Eyed Jack’s welcomed the businessmen and the tourists. Quiet people lived a quiet life. Then, a pretty girl dies, and you arrive, and everything change […] Kidnapping. Death. Suddenly, the quiet people, they’re quiet no more. Suddenly, the simple dream…become the nightmare. So maybe if you die, you will be the last to die. Maybe you brought the nightmare with you. And maybe the nightmare will die with you.” The whole speech, every time. Just say you forgot to get candy dude!
31. Dr. Lawrence Jacoby
Suspiciously hand-wrapped taffy and a suggestion to eat them one hour before watching “The Wizard of Oz” and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” at the same time. Has anyone checked if this guy is really a doctor?
30. Blackie O’Reilly
No candy, but she hands out vouchers good for one free cocktail at One Eyed Jack’s.
29. Doc Hayward
You’ll get a long-winded speech about the dangers of excessive sugar consumption followed by an over-the-top bit about how he delivered you into this world and he doesn’t want to have to bury you before he finally, FINALLY, gives you a Twizzler. Not worth your time.
28. Eileen Hayward
Homemade candy apples. It’s better than just apples, but that’s a whole lot of effort for something not even as good as a 3 Musketeers lady.
27. Mayor Dwayne Milford
He’s all butterscotch and Bit-O-Honeys, proof positive that he’s completely out of touch, and Twin Peaks is in desperate need of new leadership.
26. Catherine Martell
Each child at her door is handed a generous handful of top-shelf fun-sized chocolate bars, so why is she ranked so low? Because once the door is shut she reaches for the telephone. “Police? This is Catherine Martell. I would like to report some stolen candy. Yes, one was a ghost and the other was Thor. Please hurry, I’m terrified that they’ll be back for more.” Then she hangs up and takes a sip of wine before breaking into an evil and calculating grin. Cue ominous music.
The restaurant industry is murder. Despite being one of the world’s most famous chefs, catering to the most elite diners on Earth, the shaky market in combination with his commitment to total perfectionism puts Chef Slowik’s finances in a constant state of flux. One minute he’s worth 20 million, the next he’s in debt for 30. He makes the list, but barely. What a frustrating spot to be in. It’s enough to make a man want to… oh right, he did.
While preparing food is a financial dead end, providing high-grade meat has never been more profitable! These days you can sell your steaks at whatever price you want and not only will people chalk it up to inflation, but they’ll be too pot-commited with their purchase to ask questions like “Wait, isn’t this just some guy’s spleen?” Estimated net worth, is $6.5 million, and countless human tongues.
Motels aren’t the most profitable industry, but Norman and his “mother” have maximized profits by cornering the “desperate woman in trouble who just stole a bunch of money” market. Come for the comfy bed and discretion, stay because you’ve been unalived in the shower. Current net worth, 8 million dollars.
We know what you’re thinking, “How the hell does Jason make money?” It’s a fair question. At one point in the sequels, someone offers him their wallet hoping he’ll go away and he doesn’t even grab it after he kills them. The man is not financially savvy, but he is the benefactor of a major lawsuit against the owners of Camp Crystal Lake back in 1957. He got a cool 10 million in damages and since he lives in a shack eating squirrels he still has every penny.
If you want to know how much money you can make as a New York slumlord, just look at our former President. Or, take a peek at Mommy and Daddy’s portfolio! By maximizing occupancy they’ve managed to turn a single property into a cash cow, allowing them to donate millions to conservative organizations like The Heritage Foundation and afford leather gear that would make the Cenobites jealous. Current net worth, 11 million dollars.
On Halloween night of 1963, Michael Myers murdered his sister. He was confined to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, where he didn’t speak for 15 years. Do you know how much money that much completely ineffective mental health care costs?! Why do you think he’s always trying to kill his other sister? Michael wants to be the sole heir to the Myers family fortune. As it stands he’s worth a cool 12 million.
When you think of the Sawyer family from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” you don’t necessarily think of enormous wealth, but that’s all part of their salt-of-the-earth cannibal brand. They’re sort of the Duck Dynasty of the horror world. From their humble beginnings with a lone gas station/BBQ stand in rural Texas, the Sawyers have built a culinary empire. Surprised? Well, recognizing their original branding had been tarnished by a series of widely publicized murders, the Sawyers now operate a major chain from behind the scenes. We can’t legally tell you which one, but let’s just say it rhymes with Bission Marbeque. Turns out BBQ is highly profitable when you source your meat exclusively from jackass young people poking their noses where they don’t belong! Leatherface’s current net worth, 17 million dollars.
In case the giant fur coat didn’t tell you, he is a Candyman of means and fine upbringing. Candyman has maintained his fortune throughout the decades by meticulously keeping his brand relevant and in the public conversation through a series of murders. Say his name in a mirror 5 times and you’ll see a man who can buy and sell your ass 20 times over. Currently, his net worth is somewhere around 18 million dollars, and that’s not including bees.
Ancient stuff is worth insane amounts of money, and The Mummy IS ancient stuff. How does he get himself liquid? Simple. He sells himself to private collectors and then murders them. It’s the financial equivalent of a perpetual motion machine! Current net worth, 26 million dollars. For that much money, you can suck out my organs with a straw any day!
Any CEO worth their human sushi plate knows it’s important to show the public you believe in your company’s product. You won’t catch Elon Musk tooling around in a BMW or Jeff Bezoz ordering shit off Temu. The Chuckster, however, takes things a step further. He doesn’t just use the product, he IS the product! If serial killer Charles Lee Ray didn’t believe that his line of Good Guy dolls weren’t the most superior dolls on the market, would he have transferred his soul to one? Enjoy your skin-suit Hasbro CEO Christian P. Cocks, meanwhile, Chucky is laughing all the way to the bank with an estimated 25 million dollars, minus a 2 million dollar contribution to the Trump campaign.
Before he was arrested for being a murderous cannibal, Lecter was one of the world’s top psychiatrists, with a client list comprised of almost exclusively blue bloods. After he was arrested the money really started pouring in. Private consultants make a killing in any industry, and the more niche they are the more they can charge. As the FBI’s sole serial killing consultant, Lecter has managed to keep his cell well padded. He’s worth somewhere in the ballpark of 40 million dollars. How much has he donated to Trump? Zero. That’s right, he lives in that man’s head rent-free.
We owe him $65,000 just for mentioning him. Current net worth, 30 million dollars.
If you were alive in the ’80s and ’90s and lived anywhere besides a nightmare-proof cave, you know that Freddy Krueger is one of the most marketing-forward serial murderers of all time. You couldn’t walk into a store without seeing something with his burned, sinister face on it. Posters, lunch boxes, a TV show, the sky was the limit for the Fred man. Legend had it that if you saw his t-shirts in your dreams, you had to buy them for real. He’s not very active these days, but at a net worth of $150,000,000, he’s earned a little R&R.
Call him cruel, call him sadistic, just don’t call him strapped for cash! Prince Prospero has been quarantining since the plague and he’s still doing just fine, throwing the most decadent and hedonistic balls in all of Europe. How did he ascertain such immense wealth? The same way Rupert Murdoch and William Randolph Hearst did it—by making a pact with Satan. Current net worth, $480,000,000 in cursed gold bullion.
The Lep is a shrewd and formidable business mogul who follows the old school tried and true motto of all conservative wealth hoarders—bury your gold. He’s got a whole cauldron full of the stuff but if just one piece goes missing he literally goes berzerk and kills everyone. That’s the kind of hustle they don’t teach at hustle school, though aspiring entrepreneurs should definitely still sign up for our hustle school. Estimated net worth, $500,000,000 in magical gold coin and some crypto.
Patrick was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he spit it out and said “I want better.” This investment-savvy executive’s heavy grind has brought him up from the trenches of the top of New York finance all the way to the VERY top of New York finance, and if someone outpaces him he just kills them and assumes their identity. That’s a masterclass in re-branding. Estimated net worth $600,000,000 minus several video store late fees.
We all know how expensive it is just to go to the opera, imagine how loaded you need to be to live at one AND have an elaborately decorated canal tunnel installed leading to the world’s bougiest BDSM parlor. The candle budget alone would put most of us in the poor house, but not The Phantom. Current net worth, $800,000,000 in Andrew Loyd Webber money.
Hunting man for sport has long been a favorite pastime of the ultra-rich. You know you’ve arrived when you get an invite to Mark Zuckerberg’s Hawaiian hobo-preserve. That being said, Predator truly takes things to the next level. With his shoulder-mounted auto-aim laser canon, invisibility, and nuclear weapon contingency gauntlet, his prey, ordinary and often defenseless human beings, doesn’t stand a chance. Estimated net worth, 500,000 human skulls, which on his home world is equivalent to like a billion dollars we think.
This one gets a little murky, as individually the members of society are nothing to write home about. Four million here, six million there, some attractive L.A real estate but nothing worthy of this list. But when the lights go off and they get down to fucking, they become one super individual with a net work of 2.6 billion dollars. Not bad for a bunch of pink slimey buttheads.
With centuries of time to mature his investments, the Count has been able to accumulate obscene levels of wealth. Think about it, how does every Dracula adaptation start? With Count Dracula purchasing a castle IN a castle he already owns. That’s baller, and that doesn’t even include the backend he gets from said adaptations. Dracula is the single wealthiest man on the planet, and if you look around at the world we live in, that actually makes a lot of sense.
