Environmental Win! Scientists Celebrate First Boneless Rhino Bred in Captivity

Posted on by Matt Husser

ATLANTA — Scientists signaled a breakthrough against poachers after the first boneless rhinoceros was successfully bred in captivity at the Atlanta Zoo, environmentalist sources confirmed.

“With the rhinoceros group of species on the verge of extinction, we had to take drastic measures to save these majestic creatures from the illegal ivory trade. Then it hit us: poachers can’t harvest the rhino’s horn if they don’t have any bones!” said scientist Patrick Smith, while unveiling Puddles, the boneless rhino. “The gene editing that created this inspiring creature is our greatest hope to stop the illegal animal trade. By depriving poachers of the horns or any other valuable bones they might desire, we can ensure that this beloved species can live long-ish, relatively healthy lives in captivity.”

Zookeeper Ashley Sterling explained that while she loved caring for the new breed of boneless rhinoceros, it came with a few extra challenges.

“Move over Moo Deng, the world has got a new animal darling: Puddles. What this inspirational rhino lacks in a skeletal system, he more than makes up for with the charming way he oozes around his enclosure picking up grass in his fleshy mouth folds—at least I think that’s his mouth,” said Sterling, attempting to hide her grimace. “While we love taking care of Puddles, we do have to take extra precautions so he doesn’t escape. Last week he squeezed through the gap underneath a door and he almost fell through a sewer grate.”

While the world celebrated the environmental win, one international ivory merchant was reportedly furious about the effect on his business prospects.

“I’ve got half of Epstein’s flight log waiting for rhino horn, and now I’m dealing with this boneless bag of skin. How’s anyone supposed to get a hard-on from this flaccid piece of crap?” said the ivory trader, who asked to remain anonymous. “Andrew Tate alone goes through a kilo of ivory powder a year hoping that it will make his hair grow back, and I’ve already promised Elon Musk to get him a rhino horn katana handle. Maybe if I can get a hold of a few of these boneless flesh bags I can sell him on custom Puddles leather seats for his Cybertruck.”

As of press time, scientists were now hard at work trying to figure out how to produce fleshless tigers.

Help! I Followed Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, But I’m Still Losing Custody Over My Son

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

Anyone who knows me will tell you: I’m a self-improvement junkie. My 2024 New Year’s resolution was to crush at least one self-help audiobook a month. Tai Lopez hasn’t steered me wrong so far, so I decided to finally dive into “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan Peterson.

This book came into my life when I needed it the most. Let me rephrase that—Jordan Peterson came into my life when I needed him the most.

Or so I thought.

My custody hearing for my son, Lukas, was last week, and I had just finished the audiobook. The judge asked if I had been attending my support meetings. Peterson says, “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” So I proudly informed the judge that while I used to go through a handle of gin in three hours, this week I stretched it to four. The judge scoffed, but I’m proud of my newfound self-control.

When the topic of Lukas’s suspension from middle school came up I was shocked. Nobody had told me about it but I played it cool and relied on Peterson’s wisdom again: “Be precise in your speech.” I told my son he was allowed exactly four beers. When I was his age I drank way more than that and barely got buzzed, but apparently he blacked out and tried to fight his guidance counselor.

Sensing that the judge was losing patience with me, I pulled out Rule 11, “Do not bother children when they are skateboarding.” I made sure to point out that I’ve never bothered Lukas and his friends when they’re skating. My ex-wife, Jenn, quickly informed the court that Lukas “doesn’t even know how to skate.” This information made me spiral a bit, who were those kids I was filming at the skatepark?

When the judge revoked my joint custody of Lukas, I knew the Carnivorous Canadian had led me astray. Screw you, Jordan Peterson. I stormed out of the courtroom, shoulders slumped in defiance.
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons once sang, “Walk Like a Man.” If only I’d listened to them instead of some quack with a Kermit the Frog voice.

“Indeed Wrapped” Reveals Which Listings Were Phishing Scams

Posted on by Jacob Albrecht

AUSTIN – Job search site Indeed rolled out a new feature called “Indeed Wrapped” that reveals which job listings posted this year were actually phishing scams, insiders confirm.

“In recent years, we’ve received a lot of feedback from Indeed users regarding the egregious abundance of predatory scams featured on our website,” said Indeed CEO Chris Hyams. “So, we really wanted to show our users that we are listening. To be clear, we have absolutely no intention of cracking down on these harmful fake job listings in the foreseeable future, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care. The decision to introduce Indeed Wrapped is all about caring for our users. Now, they can still provide all the personal, private information they want to exploitative third-party companies, with the added bonus of a fun, short recap that they can share with friends.”

Praise for the company’s new feature has already begun to pour in from Indeed users everywhere.

“I have to admit, I was surprised when I saw my Indeed Wrapped this year,” said Natalie Wilkes, who’s been looking for a job on Indeed for over three months now. “ I mean there were just so many listings that I thought for sure were real companies and jobs, but it turns out, I applied to 3,428 scams this year, and only four real jobs. It actually made me kind of proud, I’m in the top 0.2% of users who blindly shared their Social Security Numbers this year, so I got that going for me.”

Indeed’s marketing director also shared with us some very exciting plans for the future of the platform.

“There’s a project we’re working on for next year that I’m particularly stoked about: Indeed Rewind,” said Michael Remington while pointing to a colorful moodboard. “The idea for Rewind is a fun, musical video featuring some of the most prolific abusers of our predatory system sharing and celebrating all of our users’ personal information for your entertainment. We think it’s really gonna blow up on social media, and we might try making a time machine so we can post it to YouTube in 2011.”

At press time, Wilkes was desperately trying to follow up on an application to a company whose only available contact information is a mailing address in Laos.

Study: Hatred of Bands Solely Because of Fan Base Totally Justified

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — Researchers at the National Music Lab released a groundbreaking new study that confirmed that hating bands or musicians solely due to their shitty fan bases is scientifically justified, according to insider sources.

“We embarked on this ambitious study with an open mind, and it resulted in a confirmation that being closed-minded enough to hate musicians because of their fans is not only totally acceptable, but mentally fulfilling,” stated Dr. Kenneth Tsagaris. “We did numerous experiments with dozens of control groups, and each time the result was the same, namely if you grew up hating acts like the Dave Matthews Band because of the hordes of braindead morons that followed them around. It’s totally kosher.”

Local music fan Chad Watkins is skeptical about the validity of this study.

“Hmm, I’m not sure how legit this study is, but come to think of it I definitely detest more bands than I like,” said Watkins. “At first I thought I was just a bitter-ass hater who needed to grow up, but it’s good to know that my vile behavior on social media when I attack bands like Metallica and Slipknot is because the stupidest people I went to high school with loved them and that my actions are normal and justified. I’m relieved that I can continue my toxic attitude without a guilty conscience. Thanks, science!”

Music expert Carla Shaw described how this phenomenon has a deep psychological component to it.

“The entire music industry is built on a sense of loathing,” Shaw explained. “Humans often need an outlet to express feelings of hate, and there’s no easier target than crowds of people who adore Tool or a group of gatekeeping fans who think Ghost is a gift from God. Even to this day, I can’t listen to Margaritaville because of those fools who dressed up like a bunch of Hawaiian pirates. Mind you, most of the time this hate is misguided, as bands should be judged on their own merits and not on the folks who base their entire personalities on them. Well, maybe except for Pantera.”

At press time, the researchers released a follow-up study confirming it was also cool to hate bands who your no-good ex used to like.

Political Violence Redirected To Private Sector

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was fatally shot outside of a Hilton hotel in New York Wednesday morning in what experts are calling a “redirection” of the violence normally reserved for political figures.

“Me and the other unhinged violent nutcases got together and decided this was the best path forward,” said a masked man who identified himself as Xrevolution during an interview at an undisclosed location. “Politicians talk about plans and policies to further disenfranchise the poor, but at the end of the day, what do they actually do? If we want to effect real change in this country, we unhinged maniacs need to stop getting bogged down by political assassination attempts and focus our unbridled rage at titans of industry.”

While many in the off-the-grid violent weirdo community praise the redirection as more effective, some view this sudden change of course as grave misstep.

“Oh, so the GOP pigs get off scot-free?!” asked dark web commentor @Day_of_reckoning420 via voice-change phone interview. “I for one will not be wasting my time and ammunition on a bunch of corporate nerds. We need to keep or sights on the real enemy, my dad! I mean Trump! Fuck. Delete the part where I said my dad. Delete it mother fucker, I have a gun!”

The majority of the far-left activist community continues to disavow violence in all of it’s forms.

“Every sane person knows gun violence will solve nothing,” tweeted far-left commentator @CommieScumUnicorn560. “When I think about Brian Thompson I’m heartbroken because I just see all the harassment, boycotting and blackmail that can no longer be levied against him because some maniac killed him in a fit of rage.”

The UnitedHealthcare investor conference was cancelled shortly after the shooting, though an insider confirmed attendees are walking away with “a much clearer message than conferences of years past.”

Metalhead Lets Down Ponytail, Takes Off Glasses, Gets a Little Uglier

Posted on by Shane Pauker

CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to look slightly worse than before, witnesses report.

“I wanted to try something different by taking some tension off of my head and letting my plain self shine through,” Grant explained. “Once I saw the results, I realized that the ‘au naturel’ look might not be the one for me. Sure, my mane looks great when I’m headbanging, but in any other context I just look like a roadie. Maybe I could pull off a new look if I cut my hair and stopped wearing oversized Napalm Death tees, but at what cost? I’d rather be the me I’ve grown into naturally over the past 20 years.”

Grant’s longtime friend, Soren Dodson, has come out supporting his choice to maintain the status quo of his face.

“I love Tim. He’s a great guy, but his face needs all the help it can get,” Dodson claimed. “He’s really lucky to have 20/120 vision, since it makes it harder to notice his beady little teddy bear eyes. The ponytail is a stroke of genius, too; I’ve never met anyone with such greasy roots who also manages to have crispy, crunchy split ends, so the ponytail pulls everything out of view. It’s nice to have someone with Tim’s type of looks around, regardless. A face like that at a show reassures the pit is gonna be intense.”

News of Grant’s sudden ugliness uptick has stylist Julio San Martin concerned about the future of his industry.

“This could derail my whole business!” San Martin lamented. “Most of the makeover cases I get are solved by letting some hair down, swapping glasses for contacts, and cashing my check. If that can fall through, I’m going to have to completely revamp my skill set. I don’t want to take a client shopping, or figure out what palettes work for them, or — God forbid — awaken them to their own inner beauty. Some people aren’t meant for more than a basic look and, if they’re ugly enough to need it, I don’t want to find that out!”

At press time, Grant was seen signing up for a support group of male baristas, sound engineers, and sword enthusiasts relegated to permanent updos.

​Opinion: Why Pay $60 For A Concert When You Could Just Take Edibles At A Pet Store?

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s the weekend! Time to unwind from work and have the time of your life.

Tell me, what is your idea of a relaxed fun night? Is it going to see your favorite band play live? A situation that requires securing the sixty-dollar tickets weeks in advance only to spend those in-between weeks figuring out how to get to the venue, stressing about the parking situation, waiting in long lines for disgusting bathrooms, and standing shoulder to shoulder with sweaty strangers for hours just to see a glimpse of the people who write songs you enjoy at a deafening volume?

Personally, I find this to be the choice of chumps and rubes. For a $10 edible, anyone can just as easily walk into a pet store and have the time of their life. You can experience the wonderful moment of feeling a gummy kick in just as you’re sticking your hand in the guinea pig petting area. If you catch just the right hour, you can watch an overworked employee wash a dog. If you play your cards right you might even get to pet that dog after they have been blow dryed. It is magical. I’d love to see Radiohead come even close to recreating that feeling.

Besides the experience being amazing, let’s look at the price differences. A concert costs the original ticket prices plus fees, transportation, a watered-down drink, and possibly some merch. In the end that’s at least a hundred bucks for like four hours. You will have to spend the whole night measuring just how much fun you have to make sure it’s worth it. Meanwhile, over at the pet store, you only have to pay for your drugs and possibly a squeaky toy if the staff accuses you of not buying anything. In the end that’s about $20. That’s a steal!

If you still want music, the average pet store has Adult Contemporary on the speakers, not to mention the beautiful singing of the caged birds. If not your cup of tea, I recommend going to the wall of lizard cages and finding the crickets that are used for food. The crickets make nature’s music. Think you’re too good for cricket music? Well, then you still get to watch them get fed to lizards. How many lizards have you seen get fed at a Radiohead concert? I’m assuming the number is zero despite the high volume of reptile owners in the crowd.

I guess my point is overall, I’m not interested in seeing Radiohead tonight and could really use a friend to stare at hamsters with.

OK Go Video Ends in Tragedy When Mouse Trap Tied to Alarm Clock Causes Ping Pong Balls to Release Early

Posted on by David Britton

CHICAGO — A mouse trap tied to an alarm clock caused a plastic bucket full of ping pong balls to release early during the filming of a new music video for rock band OK Go, causing multiple injuries and fatal wounds, confirmed sources being rushed to the emergency room.

“I’ve never seen a man with so many Hot Wheels embedded in his skull before,” said paramedic Roger Dinghoofer as he heaved another body onto a stretcher. “And the sheer amount of glitter we found in those dog anuses goes beyond anything I’ve seen since the Kermit balloon exploded at the 1986 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough hospital beds for everyone, so we had no choice but to open a temporary shelter at the Chicago Bears stadium. What we need most now are blood donations and assistance from the American Red Cross.”

The band was perplexed after the incident.

“We’re still not sure exactly what went wrong,” said bassist Tim Norwind, who still had his big toes stuck in two cracked bowling balls. “Everything seemed fine when all 500 Pop-Tarts launched off the car roof and landed on the gongs, but somewhere between the typewriter wagons and the slinky bikes, I guess the roller skates must have left the merry-go-round. When the eels had no place to mate their resulting electric rage must have caused a small fire in Andy’s keyboard amp. I mean either that or one of the assistants might have stepped in gum.”

Dr. Sarah Huggins, a top physicist at MIT, explained that OK Go videos are one of the world’s most delicately balanced events, and even the slightest miscalculation can lead to major repercussions.

“I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t happened before,” said Huggins. “We’ve warned those boys several times that they were meddling in god’s territory, but they would just laugh and ask if they could borrow our large proton collider. Serves them right honestly. Plus, the healthcare system is flooded with OK Go-related insurance claims. Soon they will add OK Go music video injuries to their list of pre-existing conditions.”

At press time, members of OK Go revealed that their next music video would just be a couple of cameras while they played their instruments, with maybe only 50,000 delicately arranged dominoes.

Funeral Has Opening Act Where Less Popular Dead Person Is Remembered and Buried

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Friends and family of recently deceased Edwin Peters decided to go the extra mile for his funeral by arranging the funeral of Don Brinkman to be presented as an opening act, life-celebrating sources confirmed.

“Doors were at 6:00pm and the opening funeral began at 7:00,” said widow Jackie Peters. “Having the other guy remembered as Eddie’s buddies were rolling in was perfect. Just how he would have liked to be honored. Dying like he did – driving his Rolls-Royce into a pool with a BAC of 0.33 – meant only one option for the funeral. At the end, people were clamoring for his will like it was the setlist. Sure, the opening widow asked to borrow my floral arrangements, but overall it went off without a hitch. For the next funeral in the family, I’m hoping for more of a three-day festival in Chicago and we’ll charge 12 bucks for a bottle of water.”

Reverend Van Houston, the officiator of both events, relished the change-of-pace that the unique funeral offered.

“Getting to warm up was great. It was nice to save my condolences for the big show,” Houston explained while buying an “Edwin Peters Forever” poster at the merch table. “I just did a generic ‘Webster’s Dictionary defines death as’ bit and that was it. That dude’s family or friends or whatever totally ate it up. Edwin’s funeral had a much bigger crowd, but they thanked everyone for coming out tonight. The crowd really seemed to be into it. They even requested a few Biblical verses from me.”

The only attendees that noticed something was amiss were the few that showed up for Brinkman’s funeral service.

“Yeah, our beloved Donnie was mundane as shit, but he deserves more than this,” remarked the 78-year-old’s younger brother, Jim Brinkman. “For instance, we had to sell tickets in order to get on this cemetery bill. We only got 30 minutes to set up, do the service, and go. Then this other guy got two hours and an encore, somehow? Seriously, they lowered Edwin’s casket into the ground and then two minutes later they hoisted it back up for a few more prayers. I should’ve known something was off when Don’s funeral was promoted as an ‘all ages burial.’”

At press time, Peters’ family revealed that they would be releasing a live recording of the funeral that would be available on all streaming platforms.

Opinion: It’s Strange That Everyone Here Remembers What They Were Doing on 9/11, but Nobody Can Tell Me Where They Were When My Dirtbike Was Stolen

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The human brain is a truly remarkable piece of matter. From this seemingly unthinking collection of tissues and proteins emerges an inexplicably powerful force that built the pyramids, landed us on the moon, and cured polio. It contains a memory that rivals the most intricately designed computer systems on the planet; a memory that, for everyone here, is able to recall what you were doing on America’s darkest day over two decades ago. Yet, for some reason, it remains conveniently unable to recall where you were when my dirtbike was stolen from outside of our stacked duplex last Thursday.

Seems weird, doesn’t it?

You all know that my Yamaha TT-R230 had been parked in the same spot since August, but it suddenly disappeared at some point in the afternoon when I had to meet with my parole officer, and none of you can tell me where you were at the time. Yet, I have detected sharply contrasting abilities from all of you that cast severe doubt on this weirdly targeted lapse in very recent recollection. Justin, you and I recently had a conversation in which you told me how vividly you remember watching the second plane hit the South Tower on the rolling TV in Pre-Algebra class 23 years ago, but suddenly your memory is a little hazy regarding your activity from just a few days ago? And you expect me to believe this?

And what about you, Darren? You had commented to me how sick the four-stroke SOHC on my Yamaha was when I first brought it home (a sentiment with which I wholly and humbly agreed,) yet your sudden lapse in memory regarding its disappearance juxtaposes sharply with the faded “Never Forget” bumper sticker on the back of your 2015 Ford Fiesta. I’m not asking for much, Darren. I’m only asking for you to apply the same resolute determinism in not forgetting a tragedy befalling your beloved cohabitator that you do an attack that claimed the lives of over 3,000 of your fellow citizens. You owe it to them as much as you owe it to me.

So let’s all have an honest look inward, and understand that we are perfectly capable of applying the same brainpower to amass details regarding our duplex’s 9/11 (my dirtbike being stolen) that we’ve been using for our country’s 9/11. Then, and only then, will we be able to rest easily, and more importantly, I’ll have my fucking dirtbike back.