Teen Grounded for Referring to Tegan and Sara as Gay Elders

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local teenager Lauren Sneden has been grounded by her moms for calling indie-rock sibling duo Tegan and Sara “gay elders,” sources in her “close friends” Instagram circle report.

“This is literally the worst and dumbest shit ever,” Sneden said while furiously thumb-typing on her phone. “My moms act all understanding and forgiving and progressive or whatever, and then they pull this on me. I’m not allowed to go out after school for a whole week, and they hid my Switch, too. Like, I’m sorry you’re ancient, but Tegan and Sara are like, at least 35 now. Which counts as crazy old. And I’m just trying to show my respect for the lesbian community and tell people to listen to them because they have more ‘lived experience.’ I’m not going to apologize for telling the truth, Deborah.”

One of Sneden’s mothers, Deborah Melville, was quick to explain her reasoning for the harsh sentence.

“Lauren needs to learn that we do not tolerate ageism in this house,” Melville said, her arms crossed and pierced eyebrow arched. “While I can understand her argument that ‘elders’ is a term of deference in this context, the fact of the matter is that Tegan and Sara are 41, and I’m turning 45 this year, so therefore, she’s calling me and her mother elderly. There was a distinct snark to her tone, too, and she needs to realize that sass will get you nowhere in life. And oh, my god, ‘So Jealous’ came out the year before she was born. Jesus fucking Christ.”

Gretchen Anderson, a family therapist, offered her expert insight on the matter.

“Teen brains are hardwired to annoy adults by calling people younger than their parents ‘old,’” stated Anderson matter-of-factly. “In Lauren’s case, she genuinely, chemically, can’t help it. She’s 17. She has no choice but to really rub her moms’ noses in it. Next thing you know, she’ll start lamenting the fact that Billie Eilish will be able to legally drink soon, and that makes her practically the crypt keeper.”

At press time, Sneden was angrily texting her mother Sappho’s Wikipedia page, stating that she finally found an artist that rivals her in age.

Review: AFI “Bodies”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we decided to take a look at AFI’s trace-punk opus “Bodies,” and in the process we were whisked away on a magical journey to a far-off and frightening land called Spooky World. Here’s our tale.

Near immediately after the first note of the album sounded we were interrupted by a talking crow, who cacawed that we should follow it to fulfill the prophecy. Seeing as we didn’t have much else to do that day, we agreed and the crow grasped us in its crow’s feet (we think they’re called bird hooks) and flew us into the horizon.

After several minutes, which from our perspective seemed to encompass the totality of recurring eternities, we arrived in a dark and hollow land the crow told us was called Spooky World. It also told us that Spooky World had come under constant threat by an insidious necromancer named Devil Dan.

“You see,” the crow explained, “Spooky World requires a precise balance of spookification to maintain itself, and Devil Dan has been trying to upset that balance to out-spook the Goblin Lords, the rightful rulers of Spooky World. Every night, which is all the time because it’s always night here, Devil Dan sends out his army of pumpkin apes to attack the cobweb people of south Spooky World, and spread about the witchroot plague to every corner of the land.”

It was at this point that we told the crow to hold the fuck on because that all sounds like way too much and, let’s be frank, kind of like none of it was real or sane. We argued with the crow for a bit before just giving up and informing it we really had to get back to the office so we could finish our “Bodies” review.

“Oh crap,” the crow gasped. “You’re reviewing ‘Bodies!’ I meant to grab the guy reviewing ‘The Art of Drowning.’”

We all had a good laugh after realizing the crow’s mistake and he gladly returned us to The Hard Times offices promptly. It was an odd journey that we took to Spooky World, but one we will surely not forget anytime soon.

Anyways though, “Bodies” – eh, it’s alright.

SCORE: 3 out of 5 talking crows

/**/

Metal Band Rushes to Take Promo Photos in Front of Burning House Before Fire Department Puts It Out

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NARBERTH, Pa. — Local thrash metal outfit Gore Primordial hastily threw together an impromptu photo shoot when it was discovered a destructive house fire had broken out across town, friends of the band report.

“We had been really desperate to get a photo of the band in front of a really heinous fire,” Gore Primordial drummer Myra Byrd said after recovering from smoke inhalation. “We bought a police scanner and kept listening for when a real scorcher came over the radio. We missed out on a few because our bassist Cecil was at work and by the time we got there it was just piles of wet wood. This time we were ready and got a great picture just as the flames burst through the top story window.”

The fire department, however, was not particularly pleased with the band’s attempts.

“We have had a really curious rash of fires in recent weeks,” Narberth Fire Department Battalion Chief Emilio Campbell said after extinguishing the blaze and saving the life of a small child. “But whenever a fire breaks out these kids call 911 and ask if we can wait to put it out until they all get there. I will say that it is a real coincidence that these fires started just a few weeks before this band is set to release their new album. Somehow they all have alibis and are vouched for by the same Taco Bell employee every single time. Seems suspicious.”

Public relations expert Becky Caldwell applauded the band’s ingenuity.

“Pyrotechnics and controlled fires are actually really expensive and difficult to coordinate,” Caldwell explained. “If you can get the same shot in the wild, you are going to save tons of cash. Many bands on a budget go guerilla style by photographing poverty-stricken areas, the homeless, protest riots, and dive bar patrons. It saves you money and gives you a sense of gritty realism.”

As of press time Gore Primordial was seen loitering around the local cemetery in hopes of capturing a funeral for their next album cover.

I Just Want a Woman Who Cooks, Cleans, and Will Kill Me

Posted on by Ted Pillow

It’s a bizarre fact of the human condition that we crave things that are bad for us – drinking booze, driving fast cars, smoking cigarettes, listening to Sublime. We can’t help it.

But my most self-destructive impulse? Well, it’s a little specific. I want a woman who will serve me a home-cooked meal, dust the living room, and help me shuffle off this mortal coil by putting Anthrax in my retainer.

I guess you could say this whole sick fantasy is my kink. I’m just looking for a lady willing to put up with 6 to 9 months of domestic servitude before she takes me out and inherits my savings. It’s kind of like a sugar daddy situation, except I’m 34 and only have $460 in my bank account.

Look, I’m not proud of my old-fashioned urges. It’s not like I want to be re-affirming traditional gender roles and conserative family values. But the only way I can ever see myself settling down is with a charming young woman with conventional ideas about romance and a very open-minded stance towards bludgeoning me with a fire poker.

This probably all traces back to growing up in a very stifling, conformist household. Dad broke his back all day at the doorknob factory and when he got home, he expected to be welcomed by his wife and kids with a hot dinner on the table. It may not work for every family, but it sure worked for us. Well, at least it did until dad was mysteriously found face-down in the swimming pool on the same night mom booked a bus ticket to Mexico and was never heard from again. That sure was weird.

So basically, I’m looking to recreate that magic. The good news is I’m not looking for any big commitments – I get the chills just thinking about long-term relationships! Yikes, lol.

No, I’m willing to settle for a few weeks of marital bliss before we go our separate ways. You, $460 richer (minus expenses) and free to go where you please. Me, fed through a woodchipper Fargo-style. And they said romance was dead!

Could Your Landlord Be a Ruthless Piece of Shit? Take Our One-Question Quiz

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Renting a property can be a minefield. If it’s the only option available to you, the best case scenario is to find a landlord who charges you a fair rent, treats you with decency, and is perhaps played by James Stewart circa 1946. But what if you’ve ended up with a ruthless piece of shit instead?

As much as you might want to believe that such landlords only exist in bad soap operas and okay pornos, there is unfortunately evidence that some of them exist in real life too.

Don’t panic prematurely. We have designed a rigorous one-question quiz that will give you an accurate picture of your situation and then you can panic. Okay, here we go!

Question 1.
Does your landlord own your property, and do they charge you to live in that property?

A: Yes

B: Yup

C: Mhmm

D: Yeah

If you answered mostly “A” –
I’m afraid it’s bad news – your landlord is a ruthless piece of shit. Earning four times your wage, while being flush with savings and assets, this nugget of feces doesn’t care if you live or die. (Unless he put a callous $1 wager on “die” with a fellow landlord).

If you answered mostly “B” –
Tough break – your landlord claims they don’t want to keep raising your rent to match the skyrocketing “market rates”, but “the invisible hand of the market” is “literally forcing them to!” Consider an exorcist or an all-out anarchist revolution.

If you answered mostly “C” –
Phew. Living in a rent-stabilized property means you’re largely protected against the greed of a rapacious landlord. Only joking! They’ve bought or forced out all your neighbors, and if you don’t also move they’ll schedule overnight construction work on either side of you for the next eight months. (While still not fixing your fucking toilet).

If you answered mostly “D” –
Oh shit, you got evicted! Sorry you had to find this out during an online quiz. In the time it took to read this far, some amoral shit-for-a-heart at your corporate landlord’s office unticked a box and now you live in your car.

Sorry if that didn’t go your way! Next time remember to go for the secret answer “E” – “Fate’s fickle hand blessed me financially and I am lucky enough to exist outside this exploitative hellscape”.

Anarchist Cookbook Begins With 12 Pages of How Author Fell in Love With Making Molotov Cocktails

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

MILAGRO, N.M. — The latest edition of “The Anarchist Cookbook” reportedly begins with 12 pages describing how the author fell in love with making Molotov cocktails, exhausted sources confirmed.

“They just go on and on about how he has fond memories building homemade bombs with his grandma, and how his mom built him his first land mine, and all this other bullshit,” said local punk and shit-stirrer Claudia Smith. “We just want to know how to fuck shit up, not learn your life story. Jesus Christ. I got 7 pages in before I completely lost interest in learning how to optimally huck a flaming bottle of gas into the principal’s office. So instead of playing a senior prank, I just dropped out. Fuck it.”

The publisher had asked the late author’s brother Steve Powell to write the lengthy introduction for the latest edition.

“These kids today just don’t appreciate DIY explosion manufacturing history like they used to,” said Powell as he served a 20-year sentence for arson. “That recipe was passed down over generations and I won’t apologize for how much it means to our family. Sure, you could just jump to the recipe and get started, but you’d only get a fraction of the context. Did you know they used to make Molotov cocktails from cured sheep stomachs, old whiskey, and whale oil? In fact, my great grandfather was the first one to say ‘let’s put something super explosive into an everyday household object that will also shatter and really maim passersby.’ I’m proud to tell my family’s rich story through recipes for makeshift explosives.”

The book’s publisher weighed in on the controversial new edition.

“You’d be surprised at how many books you can sell when you add a mere 10ish extra pages of content to it years later,” said publisher Serena Clark. “Up until the nineties most people thought that the book was illegal and you’d be arrested if you were caught with it, so naturally when they saw a new edition in a store they snatched it up. However, reviews so far are about as bad as that time we published the ‘Unabomber Manifesto’ from notorious domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski. Who knew manifestos weren’t literary moneymakers?”

At press time, Smith decided to avoid the book’s bullshit introduction altogether and learn recipes for explosive devices from Reddit.

FEAR to Perform in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now That 40-Year NBC Ban Completed

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Pioneering California punk band FEAR will appear in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade now that the 40-year ban assigned by NBC after their controversial 1981 Saturday Night Live performance expired, confirmed sources who claim they were “totally at the original taping.”

“In the spirit of the season, we here at NBC are of the mindset that it’s time to let bygones be bygones,” said current NBC president Noah Oppenheim. “FEAR has obviously been on our shortlist for the parade for a while now, and we’re glad that pesky SNL ban is no longer standing in the way of bringing their music to hundreds of happy parade-goers this Christmas season. Together, FEAR and NBC will ensure everyone who watches will ‘Love Thanksgivin’ In The City’ because ‘New York is Alright if You Like Large Parade Floats and Previews of Broadway Shows.’”

Longtime frontman and the only constant member of FEAR throughout their 45-year history, Lee Ving is already preparing for the performance.

“Oh yes, we’re very happy to be playing in ‘New Jersey’ once again,” joked Ving, with a twinkle in his eye. “And there’s no bad blood, as far as we’re concerned, you know? As a longtime fan of the Macy’s Parade, me and the band couldn’t be more thrilled. We’ve got a prime spot right before the Pikachu balloon, and the only decision we have to make is whether to play ‘I Believe I’ll Have Another Beer’ or the rendition of ‘Winter Wonderland’ we’ve been working on…Aw, heck, who am I kidding; Santa will be watching! We may play both!”

Members of frequent Macy’s Parade musical guests and easy-listening chart-toppers Mannheim Steamroller are excited to share the airwaves.

“We’ve been trying to get Lee to collaborate on a Christmas album for years, ever since our bassoonist brought ‘The Record’ into the studio to get us revved up between takes of recording ‘Fresh Aire III,’” said Steamroller founder Chip Davis. “They’ve been a huge influence on our sound…the stuff that isn’t synthesizers and orchestra stuff, that is. We’re honored to finally be on the same parade route as the legendary FEAR. I definitely know what I’m thankful for this year.”

Responding to the rumors that he’ll reprise his SNL audience slam dancing duties on FEAR’s float, Ian Mackaye states he’d like to, but is double booked that day with Fugazi reuniting to play the halftime show of the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving game.

Parents Convinced World Is Ending Still Want to Know When You’re Giving Them Grandchildren

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — Your parents, who have spent every waking moment for the past 20 years preparing for the end of humanity, once again asked when you’re planning on giving them grandchildren, multiple sources confirmed.

“Pandemics, droughts, and wildfires are just the beginning of the end. We’re one shower away from going to war for water and I don’t think I’d be a responsible parent to bring a kid into this hellscape,” you said while cleaning out your cat’s litter box. “The planet is just going to keep getting warmer and in like ten years it’ll be too hot to go outside without instantly bursting into flames. I’m barely able to afford running my air conditioner as it is, I can’t fathom the thought of my child literally melting on the street!”

Your mother, although understanding of your concerns, does not know why that’s stopping you from starting a family.

“The world has been ending long before you were born and look; you turned out fine,” your mother said as she put away her groceries from Costco. “Sure, there weren’t shootings at schools, or concerts, or movie theaters back then but there’s always something going on. Remember Y2K!? It’s no reason to abstain from having children. We deserve some grandbabies! I know you’re working three jobs, seven days a week but the gift of new life is worth so much more than paying off your little student loans.”

Experts have been studying the recent trend in tension between aging parents and their adult children.

“There is a clear correlation between the rapid decline in our national birth rate and an increase in rocky relationships with parents,” said Yale professor Dr. Sandra Callie. “Parents are having trouble accepting a reality where their kids are riddled with chronic anxiety brought on by social media, mass shootings, and the climate crisis. To them, their kids are just soft, weak, little wussies. This is a belief every generation carries about the younger generation-spanning back to the dawn of time. There’s an old saying that’s popular amongst my colleagues and it’s that ‘Parents just don’t understand.’”

At press time, your grandfather was complaining at dinner about your mother forcing him to start recycling over the last three years only to recently discover most of it ends up in the ocean.

Grizzled Detective Can’t Crack Huge Conspiracy Until He Gets More Yarn From Joann’s Fabrics

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Hardboiled detective Rex Lawson intends to solve a murder conspiracy involving wealthy elites, and possibly the city comptroller, just as soon as he gets more yarn from his local Joann’s Fabrics.

“I’m convinced Mrs. Shaughnessy murdered her husband in order to get her mitts on his family’s apricot farm. But as much as I’d like to buy that dame a one-way ticket to Sing Sing, I just can’t fully connect the dots until I pick up another ten or so bundles of nylon yarn,” said Lawson. “People think detective work is all late-night stakeouts, sleeping with beautiful femme fatales, and pinning seemingly incongruous pictures to your wall and connecting them with yarn. But no one ever sees the hours spent pushing through the old ladies at the local fabric store’s clearance bin to stock up on police supplies.”

Retired school teacher and Joann’s Fabrics regular Marianne Bennett had no idea Lawson was working a case, or even in law enforcement.

“I wasn’t sure what to make of Mr. Lawson when he first came in out of the rain, trenchcoat soaked, half in the bag, and asking if mohair would be too gauzy for a summer shawl. Turns out the perpetual five o’clock shadow and gruff exterior were just red herrings, and Rexy is a complete sweetheart,” explained Bennett. “The detective thing is surprising. The only time I had seen him do anything even close to resembling police work was when he interrogated a cashier for refusing to honor his expired President’s Day coupons.

Following an internal investigation, Los Angeles Police Chief Angelo White fired Lawson for insubordination.

“We became suspicious of detective Lawson when a deputy discovered a hand-knit alpaca fur trilby in his desk,” said White. “An authorized search of the detective’s home revealed absolutely no leads or evidence related to the Shaughnessy murder or even the Cerle Le Rouge jewel heist, but instead every wall of his home was plastered with articles from Knit Crazy Quarterly and printed Facebook memes from an online crocheting group.”

Lawson has since been convinced the police chief, Mrs. Shaughnessy, and the night manager at Joann’s Fabrics are conspiring to frame him. As such, the disgraced gumshoe vows to exact revenge just as soon as he figures out how to knit two pounds of cashmere wool into a working snub-nosed revolver.

I Haven’t Voted in Years, but I’ve Done My Part by Seeing Rage Against the Machine Live a Few Times

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

Voting season is upon us and even though I don’t vote, this year’s Election Day is probably the most important one of our lifetimes. Therefore, it’s never been more important to ask yourself what you’ve done to contribute to preserving freedom and democracy. Are you registered to vote? Have you done your research? Has your voice been heard? Will you be on the right side of things when the dust settles? Have you ever seen Rage Against the Machine live?

Not all heroes wear capes and not all leaders vote. Some of us do our part in ways that you won’t see covered on CNN or MSNBC. As for me, I’ve been working the front lines since the 90s. I’ve seen Rage Against the Machine in concert over six times. I served in Vietnow. I battled in Los Angeles. I was a part of a revolution, man. I even served under a group of Prophets for a few years, while General de la Rocha took some time off to heal his battle wounds.

I haven’t voted since 1992 but I think what I’ve done is equally important, if not more so. I’ve slept in the fire. What have you done?

Have you ever been in a pit? How about a pit at a Rage show? I have. Rock is Hell, but it’s beautiful. I love the smell of mohawk sweat in the morning. We live to fight the power. Fight oppression. Fight hypocrisy. And we won’t stop fighting until we get true freedom. If it takes forever, we’ll fight forever. Even if we have to sit through lackluster side projects and weird solo albums.

I may never vote again. But you can’t blame Rage Against the Machine fans. We’re out here every fuckin’ day trying to change the world! I bet I’ve gone through at least a thousand tank tops in the midst of this 30-year war. And it’ll all be worth it when the world is right again.

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