Renting a property can be a minefield. If it’s the only option available to you, the best case scenario is to find a landlord who charges you a fair rent, treats you with decency, and is perhaps played by James Stewart circa 1946. But what if you’ve ended up with a ruthless piece of shit instead?
As much as you might want to believe that such landlords only exist in bad soap operas and okay pornos, there is unfortunately evidence that some of them exist in real life too.
Don’t panic prematurely. We have designed a rigorous one-question quiz that will give you an accurate picture of your situation and then you can panic. Okay, here we go!
Question 1.
Does your landlord own your property, and do they charge you to live in that property?
A: Yes
B: Yup
C: Mhmm
D: Yeah
If you answered mostly “A” –
I’m afraid it’s bad news – your landlord is a ruthless piece of shit. Earning four times your wage, while being flush with savings and assets, this nugget of feces doesn’t care if you live or die. (Unless he put a callous $1 wager on “die” with a fellow landlord).
If you answered mostly “B” –
Tough break – your landlord claims they don’t want to keep raising your rent to match the skyrocketing “market rates”, but “the invisible hand of the market” is “literally forcing them to!” Consider an exorcist or an all-out anarchist revolution.
If you answered mostly “C” –
Phew. Living in a rent-stabilized property means you’re largely protected against the greed of a rapacious landlord. Only joking! They’ve bought or forced out all your neighbors, and if you don’t also move they’ll schedule overnight construction work on either side of you for the next eight months. (While still not fixing your fucking toilet).
If you answered mostly “D” –
Oh shit, you got evicted! Sorry you had to find this out during an online quiz. In the time it took to read this far, some amoral shit-for-a-heart at your corporate landlord’s office unticked a box and now you live in your car.
Sorry if that didn’t go your way! Next time remember to go for the secret answer “E” – “Fate’s fickle hand blessed me financially and I am lucky enough to exist outside this exploitative hellscape”.