Top 30 Stunts From “Jackass” That Left Us With Crippling Medical Debt After Trying Them at Home

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Hi, I’m not Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to a list of 30 stunts from the “Jackass” franchise that left us with a staggering amount of medical debt. We’re not even sure if they looked cool while doing them because we forgot to film them. Nevertheless, we did at least sort of live to tell the tale. Take it from us. These are the stunts you should definitely not try at home unless you want a life full of financial pain.

30. Alligator Tightrope (Jackass: The Movie)

We didn’t have tightrope or alligators at our disposal so we jumped directly into the gator tank at the zoo, Harambe style. However, we were immediately tackled by several zookeepers and busted our shoulder. Would not recommend. Turns out, it didn’t even look cool.

29. BMX Joust (Season 1, Episode 6)

The environment seemed perfect. We stole a bunch of armor from the museum, fashioned jousting weaponry out of two-by-fours and aluminum foil, and stole our little brothers’ bicycles. Unfortunately, the first responders didn’t find any of this funny.

28. Golf Cart Antics (Jackass: The Movie)

Not only will you leave the ER with lifelong debilitating injuries, but you will also have to spend the night in jail for trespassing into a country club, not to mention stealing all the golf carts and defacing private property. We did not see any of this coming. Even after careful planning.

27. The Lie Detector (Jackass Forever)

Telling the ER you got mauled by a bear will instantly make them empathize. But the minute you tell them you smothered yourself in honey and salmon chunks and strapped yourself to a chair in the middle of grizzly country beforehand, it’s like you don’t even exist to the medical community. What gives?

26. The Beekini (Season 1, Episode 5)

To perform this stunt, all you need is a few hundred bees. So we found the closest nest, lathered our genitals in honey, and the stunt just did itself. Mind you, if you are allergic to bee stings, you will need medical attention almost immediately and will be forced to turn your entire paycheck over to a corporate hospital until further notice.

25. Golf Course Airhorn (Jackass: The Movie)

Who knew a golf course could be so hazardous? For this one, we would blow our airhorn right as an unsuspecting golfer was about to take their swing. This only seemed to anger people. One of them hit a golf ball directly at us while we were hiding in the bushes as retaliation. It hit us square in the head. There’s still a noticeable lump. We will never be the same.

24. The Cup Test (Season 2, Episode 1)

This one was more on us. Sure, we tried every element the Jackass crew did for this one, only we didn’t have enough money for an actual cup and jockstrap part. In hindsight, medical debt is actually way pricier than the 35 bucks we should’ve just scrounged together. In conclusion, having no cup failed every test.

23. The High Five (Jackass 3D)

This one involves a giant prop hand that wallops you unsuspectingly as you walk through a doorway. Seems tame enough. Only one of us was holding a collection of knives, razorblades, and generic sharp objects. Let’s just say the blood stains won’t come out of the carpet.

22. Butt X-Ray (Jackass: The Movie)

For this one, the Jackass boys stuffed a toy car up one of their asses to pull a harmless little prank on the local butt doctor. But we couldn’t just be derivative and do the exact same thing, so we stuffed about a dozen of them up there. The doctors had more questions than we had answers.

21. The Toro Totter (Jackass: Number Two)

This one involved two very specific elements: a children’s playground and a live bull. However, it’s not as easy as you would think to get your hands on a four-way teeter-totter. Though it’s shockingly quick to get a particularly muscular and angry cattle. We decided to go with swings instead of a totter. We got demolished almost instantly.

20. Invisible Man (Jackass 3D)

This one also involves a bull. Figured since our buddy already loaned us his bull for the day, might as well take full advantage. But now we are seeing that the more time you spend with a bull the more suffocating medical debt you will rack up. Stay far away from bulls as humanly possible.

19. Big Red Rocket (Jackass: Number Two)

Just like in the movie, the rocket we put together from scratch completely self-destructed as we tried to launch it into the lake while straddling it. That’s the last time we order a 12-foot rocket from the dark web. Their return policy is surprisingly strict.

18. Poo Cocktail Supreme (Jackass 3D)

Turns out, making everyone you know shit in a porta potty, strapping it to bungee cords, and launching it straight up in the air with you in it is a total nightmare. We passed out immediately and when we came to we were leaving the hospital with a bill that was equivalent to paying for six new Kia Souls.

17. Department Store Boxing (Jackass: The Movie)

Famous boxer and internet personality Jake Paul was kind enough to agree to beat the crap out of us in the middle of a Kohl’s. In fact, he said “yes” before we even finished our sentence. In the end, we somehow sustained six concussions with one punch from him. He’s clearly pummeled guys in the jeans section before.

16. The Anaconda Ball Pit (Jackass: Number Two)

The premise seemed simply enough. Take a 15-foot long anaconda and submerge in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Then go ahead and try to wrangle the thing with your best bud. Luckily, these types of snakes aren’t venomous, but somehow it still hurts like hell after a good 25 bites.

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Tim Walz Under Fire for Allegedly Inflating Bag Toss Score at Family BBQ in 1998

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Democratic Vice President hopeful Tim Walz found himself in the middle of a barrage of criticism after it was revealed he allegedly inflated his score during a game of bag toss at a family barbeque in 1998, his campaign managers confirmed.

“After weeks of trying to find something credibly scandalous that would actually stick, we had a lede from Governor Walz’s second cousin’s ex-husband that ‘Tampon Tim’ brazenly tacked on a few extra points to his bag toss score one boozy weekend at the cabin in the late ‘90s,” said conservative think tank member Ryan Donner. “Polls are indicating it’s shaking Midwesterners’ faith in Walz, and they know more than anyone that you don’t fuck around with the sanctity of bag toss for personal gain. Checkmate, liberals!”

Kamala Harris’ campaign acknowledged the events of the barbeque were true, though voters shouldn’t be concerned.

“When vetting Governor Walz, he acknowledged an incident on July 3rd, 1998 where after four Leinenkugels he added two points to his team during a game of bags so he could start grilling up the brats sooner,” said coordinator Trevor Skolman. “While some may view this as a significant lapse in moral character, rest assured it was just a one-time thing because his nephews were dogging him about being hungry and he was confident he’d win anyway. However, the governor will not be apologizing for calling it ‘bags’ instead of ‘cornhole.’”

Researchers from previous presidential campaigns highlighted the difficulty of finding election-ending dirt on popular candidates.

“Vetting a candidate is harder than it looks. When one side finds themselves up against a popular, clean-cut candidate, we’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find anything worth a damn like an overdue parking ticket or picking their kid up from soccer practice 15 minutes late. It’s what we in the field call ‘inconsequential bullshit,’” said former strategist Harold Forks. “A campaign can only hope a bunch of small transgressions in the news cycle will sway voters. We all remember Walter Mondale’s photo op of him in the tank ended up costing him the election, and yet the news of Ronald Reagan drowning puppies with his bare hand didn’t make any headlines.”

As of press time, Walz’s family spoke out about the incident and said everyone at the party immediately forgave him after he donned a hilarious grill apron with an airbrushed bikini body on it.

If Planet Fitness Is a Judgement Free Zone Then Why Can’t I Pay My Fees in Copper Wire

Posted on by Drew Gigis

A few months back I got laid off from the steel mill after drunk driving an overhead crane, so money has been a little tight. I’ve slashed my budget down to just the bare essentials. The only extra expense I refuse to give up is the gym.

There is nothing I take more seriously than my personal health and when I fell on hard times, the only place that was sacred turned its back on me. Planet Fitness loves sitting on its high horse claiming to be a so-called “Judgement Free Zone” but I brought at least 20 pounds of clean, already stripped, copper wire to maintain my membership and the staff refused my, more than fair, haul of scrap.

I was getting by for a while taking various metals to the scrap yard for cash, but one little altercation where I put the cashier in a headlock for trying to lowball me on the price of iron and that option was taken from me. So I figured Planet Fitness would understand and accept the wire I ripped out of my neighbor’s garage.

Now this isn’t the first issue I’ve had with Planet Fitness. Last April I was asked to leave after bringing my pet snakes in to use the massage chair, they go nuts for it. But I just figured that was due to some sort of ridiculous sanitary rule. However this time the fatcats funning this smug organization showed their true colors when they threatened to call the police on me for simply trying to sculpt my delts, and maybe for smashing the card scanner with a well-timed headbutt.

I shouldn’t be surprised Planet Fitness turned out to be yet another disappointment in the tragedy that is life. It’s my fault for trying to remain at least a little optimistic. I actually believed I would be free from judgment for once in my life and they broke a trust that can never be repaired.

I thought my life was over without the gym. However I always find a way to overcome adversity, and this time is no different. I realized how much these facilities were actually holding me back. Now, the whole world is my gym. From marathon pull-up sessions on monkey bars at the local playground to deadlifting as many frozen turkeys as the grocery store has. I now have the ability to show everyone how strong I am. Also how fast I am as the police are called pretty regularly, but a body like this doesn’t happen without some hurdles to overcome.

Les Claypool Sends Follow-up Email to Metallica Regarding 1986 Bass Audition

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them, confirmed sources who needed answers.

“I just wanted to reach out and thank the band for the opportunity to audition for the position of bass guitarist,” said Claypool. “Our meeting was very informative, and I believe that I would be an excellent addition because they said they were looking for ‘rockstars’ so I clearly fit that bill. I have years of experience in both touring and recording as well as writing lyrics about fishermen, tweakers, and mud. I’ve even composed music that was used in both ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ and the theme song for the show ‘South Park.’ I very much appreciate their consideration for this opening, and hope they don’t hesitate to reach out if they have questions. References are also available upon request.”

Primus guitarist Larry LaLonde was not happy to hear about the activity of his longtime bandmate.

“It’s actually pretty irritating to find out the guy I’ve been playing with for the past 35 years has been using us as leverage to gain himself a more lucrative position,” LaLonde complained while adjusting the effects on his Keeley Bubble Tron effects pedal. “This band has been my full-time job since I was in my 20s, and you don’t see me using it as a stopgap like he apparently is. If I would’ve known this back in 1989, I would’ve foregone joining it entirely and just gone back to my old band Possessed. At least they never had song titles like ‘Mary the Ice Cube’ and ‘Hamburger Train.’”

Metallica singer and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield was both confused and concerned for Claypool.

“I don’t understand what Les thinks we’ve been up to this past 38 years,” Hetfield wondered. “I mean, we’re currently on our second bassist since he auditioned shortly after Cliff Burton passed. Since then, we’ve become the most recognizable metal band in the world and won 10 Grammys. In retrospect, we probably should have reached out to let him know he didn’t get the job, but I’ve always assumed ghosting him was more professional”

At press time, Claypool was frantically trying to recall the email he sent so he could remove Dave Mustaine from the distribution list, having suddenly remembered he had been kicked out of the band in 1983.

25 Worst Bright Eyes Songs To Play While DJing Your Ex’s Wedding

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

You and your ex amicably broke up in the summer of 2005 and vowed to remain lifelong friends. Astoundingly enough, you both meant it and developed a healthy and vibrant platonic relationship over the years. Your bond has been so strong that you’ve been asked to DJ their upcoming wedding. When you two were dating, one of your favorite bands was Bright Eyes, the folk rock cult led by Conor Oberst. It’s been a while since you’ve listened to them, but you remember a few of their songs being pretty romantic. As a nod to your shared love of the group, you might be thinking of including some of their songs when the dance floor starts to fill up. Here are 25 songs that you should absolutely avoid at all costs. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

25. “First Day Of My Life”

It’s not that this is a bad song to play at a wedding, it’s just not the most original choice. Nearly everyone has heard this overly saccharine and borderline codependent anthem more than they’d ever wish to admit. Even people who claim to love the song scramble for the skip button when this one comes on. Last time we checked, you’re supposed to be cool and unique. That’s at least what your ex used to think.

24. “Kathy With A K’s Song”

The sentiment behind this one is certainly heartwarming, but for the love of god why can’t this guy hit the right note like… even a single time. Much like your romantic relationship with your ex, this one looks pretty good on paper, but is horribly executed. Spare everyone’s ears by leaving this one off.

23. “Oh You Are The Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet And Hold The Earth In Place”

This has potential. Ideally, a marriage should have a solid foundation, and you might want to acknowledge that in your playlist. This might not be the best song with which to do that, though. For having the earth held in place, Conor seems to talk about drinking and crashing on people’s floors a bit too much in this one. Come to think of it, that’s what you did for a few months after the breakup. You don’t want to project that vibe onto the newlyweds.

22. “Make A Plan To Love Me”

Your ex’s new partner goes on a lot of business trips, and you know that it’s a point of contention in their relationship. You might be thinking of putting this one on as a way of looking out and hinting at an area of improvement. The problem is your ex aired this grievance to you in confidence. It’s not cool to betray someone’s trust like that.

21. “You Will. You. Will? You? Will. You? Will.”

Nothing offers well-wishes to a newlywed couple quite like a song that openly encourages a prospective partner to go out and fuck every person they can think of before finally settling for you. The plot of the song is also eerily reminiscent of that time you told your ex you just ‘needed time to think’ before disappearing for eight months and irreparably damaging any future romantic plans. Safe to say, this isn’t the best time to remind them of that.

20. “Happy Accident”

Though your ex met their current spouse after they veered into the bike lane at an unfortunate time, that’s not the kind of accident this song is talking about. To be honest, we have no idea what this song is about, but it seems to mention happiness being unattainable quite a lot. Safe to say that might not be the vibe you’re trying to project here.

19. “An Attempt To Skip The Scales”

Not only does this song mention slowly drinking yourself to death over a cruel and unforgiving winter, there’s like… almost 10 minutes of just talking at the end. Everyone knows your ex loves podcasts, but chances are they wouldn’t pick one that sounds like this in a million years. Keep this one in your back pocket, though. It could help clear out the room when the venue rental ends.

18. “Flirted With You All My Life”

If you’re just looking at the song titles when haphazardly making your playlist at the last second, you might be thinking this is a no brainer to include. Wrong. This Vic Chestnutt cover ‘Flirted With You All My Life’ is so harrowing, that even the opening bars will send the entire reception into a months-long depression. While we’ll admit it would be a great prank, that’s not really what this event is about.

17. “Lua”

Rolling Stone once deemed ‘Lua’ to be among the saddest songs of all time, so you might want to avoid playing it when the guests start clamoring for the dance floor. Despite its themes of enabling drug and alcohol abuse, you always thought the track was hopelessly romantic and sweet. This might be why you haven’t had a relationship last longer than 90 days in the past five years.

16. “A Perfect Sonnet”

We can’t speak for everybody in attendance, but we’re pretty sure it’s not proper decorum to play a song that wishes for lovers to be ‘chained together’ and ‘thrown into the ocean with their songs in letters’ before ultimately being ‘left there to drown.’ You could argue that it’s a metaphor for never-ending love, but it mostly just sounds like you’re encouraging a double homicide to the laymen.

15. “The Trees Get Wheeled Away”

Despite walking in on you doing the deed multiple times, your ex’s mom still believes her child is a virgin. It’s a pretty awkward situation for everyone involved, so you might want to leave a song that mentions ‘a virgin in my bed’ out of the playlist entirely.

14. “Take It Easy (Love Nothing)”

Sure, this might be one of Oberst and company’s danciest tunes, but it’s somehow even more of a bummer than his usual sad fare. The last thing anyone will want to hear at this celebration of love is a grown man talking about how much of a guarded asshole liar he is. And yes, we’re aware of how sick that beat is in the third verse.

13. “On My Way To Work”

Ultimately most people hope the happy new couple will grow old and eventually live out their final days together. Still, they probably don’t want to dwell on the actual dying part. Well, maybe your ex’s uncle does, but it’s generally a bad move to consider what that freak wants. This song skews just a bit too morbid for the rest of the room.

12. “Pan and Broom”

The opening line of the song depicts the protagonist pushing someone down a set of stairs. While we’re sure this isn’t as nefarious as it sounds, it’s not the best image to evoke at a wedding reception. This is without mentioning later lyrical references to leper colonies and grave digging. Save this one for the singles’ mixer you’re DJing next week.

11. “Waste of Paint”

After your ex’s brother totaled his car and got a DUI, you were famously kicked out of his intervention for laughing too much at his demise. You never liked that guy, and you still bring up his drinking problem to his face regularly. Playing a song that literally details the singer’s brother getting in a similar predicament will do little to improve your relationship, and will kind of make you look like a dick.

10. “Sunrise, Sunset”

You’ve probably heard the Fiddler On The Roof classic, ‘Sunrise, Sunset,’ at plenty of weddings. This is not a cover of that song. The traditional version is a ballad sung from the perspective of two parents beaming with pride over how much their child has grown. The Bright Eyes version is a scathing rebuke of a meaningless relationship sung from the perspective of a horrifyingly depressed man. To summarize, it’s not going to land quite as well as you’d want.

9. “When The President Talks To God”

When you and your ex were still an item, their conservative family invited you over for Thanksgiving. You proceeded to ‘ruin dinner’ by nearly flipping over the dining room table in a heated argument over George W. Bush’s foreign policy. While you were probably in the right, you probably don’t want to further incite your ex’s father’s rage on such a special day.

8. “Padriac My Prince”

This should probably go without saying, but there isn’t really a good time or place to blast a track that details not only a drowning baby, but also a grief stricken mother poisoning herself after the fact. You could maybe get away with this one if you ever happen to DJ a double funeral brought on by similar circumstances. Even then, we’d wager people would be too bummed to rehash the tragedy in such detail.

7. “Firewall”

While your ex’s dad will be fascinated by the spoken word intro that leans heavily into the lizard-people theory, most of the attendees will just be scared and confused. Also, it’s just kind of a spooky and downer song. The album it was on was so bad the band broke up for a bit. Don’t project that energy into this night no matter how badly your subconscious wants to.

6. “Hit The Switch”

A lot of folks attending this wedding already think it’s pretty weird that you’re DJing. The majority have at least been polite enough to not bring it up to your face. That will be sure to change if you let this one rip. Every lyric in this song is and will be interpreted as a cry for help from you personally. Skip it.

5. “I Won’t Ever Be Happy Again”

I know we just went over this, but just to reiterate. Some people are already worried about your mental health at this event. As much as you say you’re fine, they’re still not convinced. Unwarranted as their concerns may be, you shouldn’t be encouraging them with a song as dour as this one.

4. “Blue Christmas”

First off, it’s September. Secondly, what are you even thinking? No one wants to hear basically the equivalent of Huckleberry Hound covering Elvis at this event. We get that maybe you’re having second thoughts about cutting things off with your ex, but that’s something you need to take up with your therapist if you ever decide to get one.

3. “I’ve Been Eating For You”

Woah, woah, woah, woah! Absolutely not. This is like… the whiniest breakup song ever written. Everyone is going to take this as you projecting some unresolved feelings about the entire situation here. You might actually get committed if you play this one. Yikes.

2. “Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh”

Given your situation, it’s probably not the best idea to include a song that specifically details the singer’s anguish over discovering their ex-lover has moved on to someone else. It’s a bit too on the nose. We’re crafting a wedding playlist, not an unmarked cassette to slip under your ex’s door in the middle of the night, you weirdo.

1. “Lover I Don’t Have To Love”

While we get that you might be feeling some type of way as the night wears on, you should really avoid causing a scene or making the entire night about you. Playing this song is a good way to do both. Plus it’s not going to sit well with the person your ex has been trying to set you up with all night. You guys broke up like, ten years ago. Move on.

Listen to the playlist:

Poser Alert! Guy Wearing Shirt Can’t Name Any Victims of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

NEW YORK — Local man and frequent shirt-wearer Tim Abderman stands accused of being a total poser due to his failure to identify any of the 146 garment workers who perished in the 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, unimpressed sources confirmed.

“Look, I get it. Sometimes you see someone wearing a shirt and you think they couldn’t possibly be a fan,” the 29-year old investment banker admitted. “Just because I wear something that people associate with an artist or group doesn’t mean I’m some jerk who doesn’t appreciate garment-making. I just can’t name all of the workers who perished in a horrifying, easily-avoidable factory fire that happened a long time ago. Apparently that’s a fucking crime.”

Members of the community were less forgiving about Abderman’s inability to memorize the names of even one victim.

“These days, anybody can walk into a store like Target and buy a shirt, as if they knew anything about what that shirt represents,” hardcore shirt punk Alex Jaycee complained. “True shirt-heads know that you need a certain level of understanding and appreciation before donning a shirt just because you think it looks cool. Respect your history, man.”

Dr. Katherine Alberts, History of Textile Labor professor at the University of Santa Barbara, hopes this incident spreads awareness and curiosity about the humans behind these easy-to-purchase fashion choices.

“I would never support exclusivity and gate-keeping in the shirt scene,” Dr. Alberts said. “But I will note that this information is easily accessible online, seeing as this was one of the largest and significant tragedies in the industry. Plus, there are plenty of knowledgeable shirt fans who are more than happy to share with anyone who expresses interest. Perhaps Mr. Abderman should do some self-reflection next time he gets dressed.”

As of press time, Abderman still defends his right to wear what he wants without judgment, although he is considering Googling “what is a shirtwaist?”

How I Got Over My Ex by Getting Back Together With Him

Posted on by Claire Alexander

Breakups are tough. There are plenty of websites that give reasonable advice about how to get over your ex, but being reasonable is boring. Life is about passion, making mistakes, and seemingly never learning from those mistakes to the point where you alienate all your best friends with your terrible decisions.

Ryan and I met at leaving our local police station, he was there for violating a restraining order, I was there for starting a fight with a woman that dated my high school boyfriend 10 years after we broke up. Ryan and I had an instant connection. While waiting for separate Ubers, I asked him for a cigarette, but he declined, he thoughtfully offered to sell one to me for $5. We hooked up for four years until his roommate kicked him out for always leaving the faucet running, and he moved in with me as my boyfriend.

Our breakup devastated me. When he moved out and into his car, I had no idea what to do with all the time I used to spend doing his laundry. I completely fell apart and my diet consisted of flavor-blasted Goldfish; I was turning into the slob he always had been. After a month, I decided the best way to get over him was to get back together. Here’s what worked for me to move forward most effectively:

Step 1: Unblock his number.

I know what you’re thinking “He’s blocked for a reason!” And that reason is because you are starving yourself of what’s truly good for you. Re-add him to your contacts, and open your heart to love. Text him things like “what up?” and “feeling a bit lonely if ur around” just to set a baseline.

Step 2: Reach out to him.

He might have given up on you post-breakup, so it’s your responsibility to break the ice. He may even ask, “Who is this?” it’s because he’s so hurt he doesn’t recognize who you’ve become. Remind him by sending a few photos that you wouldn’t want anyone else to see, what could go wrong?

Step 3: Apologize for catching him cheating.

Yes, he gave oral to your aunt at your family’s Labor Day party- but really, it was rude of you to open the bathroom door without knocking. Thanks to you, your aunt didn’t even get to finish. Also, it’s not lost on me that he was giving oral. If that’s not a good guy, then I don’t know what is.

Step 4: Make sure he’s available.

When he’s asleep in his car parked outside your house, take his phone and delete your whore aunt’s number. Also, slash his tires. Where’s he gonna go? This way his schedule is clear and he will have enough space in his heart for you.

Step 5: Last but not least, cut off all of your friends.

This is the hardest step of all, but it’s the most necessary as they are the ones who remember how he stole your identity for a new driver’s license that one time- they’ll only fight against your happiness. It’s tough, but if you want to get over what you’re feeling now, you’ll have to eliminate the haters.

Overall, breakups are truly some of the worst pain known to man that everyone can relate to. So why experience it?

Party Guests Endure 30-Minute Wait for Drinks from Friend Who Just Got Into Cocktail Making

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-minute wait for eccentric cocktails from their overenthusiastic host who has just taken up cocktail making, annoyed sources report.

“I spent over $300 on bitters, shakers, muddlers, zesters, ice molds, channel knives, pour spouts, jiggers, Aperol, Orgeat, and Curaçao. I even bought a vintage absinthe spoon! This is serious business,” said Ellis as he meticulously measured out the obscure ingredients. “I’ve got a bottle of homemade Celery Shrub that I swear by, a rare batch of Tincture of Orange Blossom, and a jar of Maple Syrup from an artisanal distillery in Vermont that I then smoked myself with a smoking gun. And let’s not forget the Branca Menta, which I had to order from Italy and the Scandinavian Akvavit. Trust me, it is worth the wait.”

Ellis’ friends, however, were less thrilled about his newfound passion.

“We want to be supportive, we really do,” said former roommate Sarah Mitchell, tapping her foot impatiently. “But we’ve been waiting for half an hour, and all we hear from the kitchen is clinking, glass breaking, and a lot of swearing. He already ran to the store for grenadine and fresh basil leaves, which he insists is necessary to make something called a Verdant Whisper. He didn’t even put out snacks or water for us while we waited because it would ruin our palate. He burnt himself pretty bad when he tried to flame a citrus peel. And I mean, come on, does that really do anything? He also put on a playlist he made to match the atmosphere and it’s like weird, Parisian lounge music from the 1950s.”

Dr. Jenna Brooks, PhD, a social psychologist and professor of bartending at University of Louisville, weighed in on the situation.

“There’s a thin line between supporting a friend’s new hobby and getting fed up with them,” Dr. Brooks explained. “It’s wonderful to see loved ones pursuing their passions, but when it starts to interfere with the enjoyment of others, tensions can rise quickly. The novelty of waiting for a craft cocktail wears off pretty fast when you’re parched and just want a simple beer. We’ve noticed the same thing happening with people who are getting into cooking because of shows like ‘The Bear.’ Their friends are forced to suffer through the wait of someone attempting to sous vide a duck breast for six hours.”

As of press time, after an hour and three failed attempts, Ellis presented his elixir to his friend who gulped it down in three sips and stated it tasted like “an overused library book” and “rainwater strained through cemetery dirt.”

Six Songs We Listened To This Week After Raygun Apologized To The Breakdancing Community and We Could Finally Relax

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well folks, it’s been another week in a seemingly endless cycle of weeks. Like Sysiphus and his rock, you’ve done meaningless tasks that seem to generate even more meaningless tasks. It’s time to take a break from the hustle and bustle and focus on what matters: tricking your streaming service algorithm into auto-playing new and relevant music to dazzle your friends on drives and at parties. Here are six brand new songs that will hopefully make the bots think you actually care about current trends in music and art.

Pinhead Gunpowder “Unt”

Billie Joe Armstrong’s longtime side project, Pinhead Gunpowder, released their first and only proper full length album nearly thirty years ago. Other than a handful of EPs, we’re not sure what Armstrong has been doing the last few decades. It seems that he’s finally come to his senses, though. That’s right, Pinhead Gunpowder is back. Their latest single and title track to their forthcoming album ‘Unt’ is bare bones power pop that will make you long for the days you could skate without your knee making that weird noise.

Genital Shame “Out of My Hands”

Pittsburgh’s Genital Shame – the solo project of super-shredder and multi-instrumentalist Erin Dawson – just released a new EP. As is true on previous releases, ‘As Good As A Kiss’ is a confounding listen that pushes the boundaries of black metal while practically redefining the genre in its entirety. It’s hard to imagine such a sonic assault – we mean that as a compliment – being produced by just one person, but Dawson has done it and we hope she never stops.

Video Age “Record Shop”

New Orlean’s Video Age has been crafting delicate and dreamy indie-pop since their formation in 2016. Their West Coast meets the South sound pairs well with attempting to smile for once and pretending nothing scary is ever happening in the world. Their latest track, an innocent ode to crate digging entitled ‘Record Shop,’ will help you accomplish both for three of the most pleasant minutes of your week.

MJ Lenderman “On My Knees”

MJ Lenderman’s highly anticipated album ‘Manning Fireworks’ is finally here. While Lenderman cranks the gain in his breakout project Wednesday, his solo material leans heavier into the more pensive Americana infused side of the indie rock realm. Album highlight ‘On My Knees’ splits the difference well but the entire record will have you itching to pick up your guitar for five minutes before getting frustrated with yourself again.

Ethel Cain “For Sure (American Football cover)”

Like most nerds, we often find ourselves wishing our favorite American Football songs would never end. No one can promise forever, but Ethel Cain has the next best thing. Recorded for the 25th anniversary of American Football’s eponymous debut, the experimental artist’s dreamy-as-fuck version of ‘For Sure’ clocks in at nearly 10 minutes, which may as well be an eternity considering modern attention spans.

Soft Kill “Circles (Dag Nasty cover)”

Portland post-punk quartet Soft Kill have been operating at a dizzying clip recently, and it seems they are physically incapable of not releasing music. While this kind of output could yield inconsistent results for a lesser band, Soft Kill has offered nothing but gold. Their latest EP, ‘Roseland,’ comes in at the heels of this year’s excellent LP ‘Escape Forever.’ Its three tracks encapsulates the band’s growth over the years, and the Dag Nasty cover is a nice finishing touch.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

Rookie Mistake! You Laughed At One of His Jokes and He Responded “Can I Kiss You?”

Posted on by Rachel Hein

So you laughed, huh? You screwed the pooch. You got too comfortable, let your guard down for just a moment, and you looked him in the eye, with your big, sparkling, beautiful eyes, and laughed at his wisecrack. And look. what. happened. He reminded you exactly why you should never ever do that by immediately asking if he could kiss you. Come on, you’re better than that. Take a moment to think about what you did, where you went wrong, and the dangers of laughing at their jokes.

Sources nearby told us they saw it coming from a mile away. “It was after a work event. She was wearing heels, and it was the end of the night so her feet hurt. He said he’d switch shoes with her but only if she was prepared for his catwalk strut… or some shit. I think it was a combination of the relief from the social anxiety and a silly fashion joke that put her at ease. When I heard her laugh, I thought ‘oh no…’”

Another female bystander added, “Yeah, you really can’t make those kind of errors. Especially so late in the game. He lit up, his entire disposition changed. It was like the laugh was a red mushroom in Super Mario Bros that made him physically stronger, more powerful, brazen…”

Promptly came those four words like loaded pistols, “Can I kiss you?” Even after your graceful and compassionate rebuff, preserving what you could of his dignity, he still shot back with, “Can I at least get a hug?” “That’s when I had to look away,” the bystander added, just shaking her head.

There are plenty of things that can cloud your judgment and make you think it’s safe to laugh in the company of a man. A man in your yoga class, a man who dated your sister, a man with long well-kept fingernails, a man who’s working on himself in therapy, a man who generously gave you a ride home one time, or a man who noticed you cut your hair seven inches, just to name a few. There are also no safe locations. Just because you’re at your dad’s funeral doesn’t mean it’s safe to express any emotion that could be taken as romantic interest. You must stay vigilant and make no exceptions.

Though rare, it’s important to remember men can be funny. There are instances when the thing you laughed at was actually genuinely comical. In which case your diaphragm contracting is not a careless blunder from nerves and anxiety, pity, courtesy, exhaustion, fear, embarrassment, or weaponized charm… It’s a real, true undeniable, uncontrollable paroxysmal response. For cases like these, the only options are denial and death.