Punk Sommelier Can Tell Exact Month Milk in Fridge Went Sour

Posted on by Carson Kile

LOS ANGELES — An astounding display of skill and expertise was observed today as local punk sommelier Evan Weaver correctly guessed the month the milk in his fridge went sour, confirmed amazed sources.

“It really just boils down to experience,” remarked Evan, as he wiped yellow, sludgy milk from his unkempt mustache. “Once you’ve tasted sour milk as many times as I have, you start to pick up on the subtleties between the different stages of spoiling. For example, this particular glass had a strong note of lactic acid on the top, and a distinct, lumpy mouth feel. I took one swig and immediately I knew, March 2023. That was a fantastic month for milk, there was a heat wave in L.A. and our fridge went out for a few days, which gave the milk a certain ‘je ne sais quoi.’”

Weaver’s roommate Leanna Holder believes his unique abilities will never cease to defy her expectations.

“The guy’s just an absolute wizard,” said Holder, as she ate only the bruised parts of a banana. “He can get one whiff of my chair and he knows exactly how long I’ve neglected to wash my underwear. Incredible stuff. I’ve been trying to get him to share some of his endless knowledge with me lately. He’s been showing me the best ways to spoil milk to get that perfect, crispy top. He also gave me this interesting factoid: Apparently, it’s only considered spoiled milk if it comes from the dumpster behind the Food 4 Less. Everything else is technically sparkling yogurt.”

The spoiled-food connoisseur’s boyfriend Brian Franco unfortunately does not share the same enthusiasm for Weaver’s talents.

“Frankly, I find it disgusting,” sighed Franco, with a clothespin clamped over his nostrils. “Why couldn’t I have just found a guy with a normal hobby? He thinks I don’t notice when he comes stumbling home in the wee hours of the morning, absolutely reeking of old dairy. He comes up with all kinds of excuses, but I can tell he’s been out all night ‘sampling.’ It’s definitely started to put a strain on the relationship. He claims his heightened senses can tell him exactly which of my exes I’m fantasizing about while we’re having sex, but that’s because I’m always blurting out their names. I don’t really think he should be allowed to take credit for that.”

At press time, Weaver was spotted in the kitchen having trouble distinguishing between the salt and sugar.

Every Danzig-Era Misfits Song Ranked By How Much Better They Are Than the National Anthem

Posted on by Bobby Korec

“The Star Spangled Banner” is as timeless as the United States of America itself. But if it’s so revered, why does it contain exactly zero references to extraterrestrial zombies, freshly mangled spinal columns, throat-tearing werewolves, ghouls just having fun, or not being a goddamn son of a bitch? Seriously, nothing about feasting on the blood of your fellow Americans or anything. Luckily, we know one 5’3” United States citizen from New Jersey who took macabre imagery and set it to music, and his name is Glenn Danzig. The same just doesn’t ring true about poet Francis Scott Key, who wrote the lyrics to “The Star Spangled Banner.” That said, we’re here to rank every Danzig-era Misfits song by how superior they are to the world’s only National Anthem. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

55. Rat Fink

The lyrics in “Rat Fink” primarily consist of Glenn spelling the words “rat” and “fink” in between yelling the word “yeah” a whole bunch. Still somehow resonates more than “O’er the ramparts we watched.”

54. In the Doorway

At times, Danzig can be quite on the nose with his lyricism. However, “In the Doorway” could be about anything, like being a vampire asking to come in, animals fucking in the foyer, or a love letter to American-made doors. Either way, still more captivating than you know what.

53. Braineaters

America just doesn’t have enough national theme songs from the perspective of a ravenous pack of zombies who are just looking to fulfill their mouth-watering, brain-eating cravings. Also, would it have killed Francis Scott Key to add some “oi” moments in the anthem?

52. American Nightmare

If Elvis wrote a Misfits song it would hands down be this one. When you think of America, you think of apple pie, losing a few fingers from a fireworks accident, and becoming the most popular musician in the country before dying at the age of 42 on a bathroom floor, not the historical relevance of the War of 1812.

51. Spook City USA

This sinister Beach Boys track contains USA in the title. That’s really all you need to be more effective than the National Anthem. “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t even make any reference to the United States. If anything, Francis Scott Key could’ve been shopping it around to the likes of Denmark and Germany before we picked it up.

50. Come Back

Quite possibly the longest Danzig-era song at five whole minutes long, this track is like a supernatural Doors song about a dead guy who’s pleading with a raven to come back to eat his face. Lyrically speaking, “Come Back” has a more clear message than whatever the hell the National Anthem is about.

49. Hellhound

One of the many things wrong with the National Anthem is a lack of verses about pets, not to mention ones that will rip your face clear off your face. Sure, Francis Scott Key could not have predicted the amount of French Bulldogs roaming the streets today, which is why we need to shut down the anthem until we can anoint a new one. “Hellhound” could be a perfect candidate for replacement.

48. Theme For a Jackal

“Theme For a Jackal” is allegedly about Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick incident, where he accidentally ran his car off a bridge and passenger Mary Jo Kopechne died as a result. In a world full of songs about American exceptionalism, write one about high-profile politicians who flee the scene of a murder and only get two months behind bars. That’s patriotism.

47. Cough/Cool

“Cough/Cool” was the first single released by the band before going on to release many other ghoulish classics. Francis Scott Key on the other hand was more of a one-hit wonder, never again to write a national anthem as popular as America’s. He’s basically equivalent to the Spin Doctors, though some might argue that “Two Princes” is a more pleasant listening experience.

46. Hollywood Babylon

“Hollywood Babylon” was initially released as the B-side to 1978’s “Bullet.” None of the B-sides to “The Star Spangled Banner” even compare. Like, “My Country Tis’ of Thee” or “You’re a Grand Old Flag” are not even certifiable bangers compared to any of the Misfits’ back catalog.

45. Queen Wasp

Let’s face it, you can’t mosh to “The Star Spangled Banner.” Believe me, I once tried to before the start of a Mets game. However, you can easily slam dance to “Queen Wasp” in your studio apartment by yourself and it wouldn’t be weird whatsoever. They didn’t consider this crucial factor when composing the America song.

44. Spinal Remains

This song appears to be about having sex so hard that nothing remains except for your spinal column. Evidently, Glenn was horny as hell. The levels of horn in the National Anthem are simply non-existent.

43. All Hell Breaks Loose

When shit hits the fan, are you turning to a stirring rendition of the National Anthem sung by a classically trained singer to reflect your mood or a Misfits song that actually means something in this country?

42. Mephisto Waltz

Lyrically, a good 75% of this song is just the word “whoa.” On the other hand, “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t contain a single “whoa” or even a background “yeah.” Sounds like one of these songs is on the right side of history and it’s clearly not the one that was composed by a guy whose legacy includes being a “villain to the anti-slavery movement.”

41. Nike-A-Go-Go

Another track where a good 60% of the song is just the words “go” and “oh,” proving that it only takes a couple of key words and phrases to be superior to the anthem.

40. Wolfs Blood

Forget about the music, just look at a picture of a shirtless Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein side-by-side with an image of Francis Scott Key. Pretty clear who wins this battle.

39. Halloween II

“Halloween II” is the sequel track to the beloved “Halloween.” Let’s be real, America is all about part twos, prequels, and origin stories. The only thing close to a sequel to “The Star Spangled Banner” is the Pledge of Allegiance, which no band has ever attempted to cover.

38. Bloodfeast

Sure, lyrics like “and the rockets’ red glare” check all the national pride boxes. It just doesn’t have the same dignified grace as a song about devouring the blood and guts of your next door neighbor.

37. Return of the Fly

The Misfit’s “Return of the Fly” is about the 1959 movie of the same title, which is the sequel to the movie “The Fly.” Here we see Glenn pretty much just name characters from the film and call it a day. Sure, not the most moving lyrics in the discography. Then again, neither is “O say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light.”

36. Devil’s Whorehouse

Sure, the National Anthem could never contain the words “devil” or “whore,” but Glenn wasn’t confined by the imaginary laws of nationalism. He was mainly hampered by the bounds of the horror genre that he set himself.

35. Who Killed Marilyn?

This track is about Danzig questioning the death of Marilyn Monroe, whose last film was called “The Misfits.” In the song, Glenn heavily suggests that she was murdered and the cops framed it as a suicide. The National Anthem just never quite gets this gossipy as it probably should.

34. Hate Breeders

“The Star Spangled Banner” is essentially a poem written by a racist shithead that was set to the tune of a British song. Kind of like all Morrissey songs. There are simply no redeeming qualities about it.

33. Demonomania

This track is only 45 seconds long whereas the National Anthem feels like a good eight and half minutes. The Misfits clearly respect our time. We got things to do in America, like work three jobs to live slightly above the poverty line.

32. Ghouls Night Out

Let’s be real, even a song built on a clever pun is more enjoyable than an anthem where the rhyming schemes are chaotic and pedestrian at best.

31. Angelfuck

This track doesn’t appear to be horror-based. If anything, Glenn seems to be singing about a sex worker. Regardless, there’s nothing intercourse-related in the National Anthem. America is constantly sexually aroused and really into feet pics. Our theme song should reflect its citizens’ proclivities.

30. Violent World

You would think a country where the “right to bear arms” is listed second in its official list of priorities would have a theme song that would be more homicidal. But here we are, living in a world where people take their hats off during a live performance of it instead of beating the ever-living shit out of each other, like the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

29. Death Comes Ripping

This track has a badass title. When someone says, “I’m going to put on a song called ‘Death Comes Ripping,’” the only acceptable response is “hell yes.” Even the music upholds the title’s honor so eloquently. However, the “Star Spangled Banner” gives me no indication for what I’m about to embark on. If anything, it sounds like the name of an Independence Day sale at Mattress Firm or OfficeMax.

28. Vampira

“Vampira” appears on the cancelled album titled “12 Hits From Hell.” By “cancel” we don’t mean the imaginary thing that Republicans complain about. We mean its initial definition of Glenn Danzig ending cool endeavors that all fans would have delighted in.

27. Horror Hotel

Like many Misfits songs, “Horror Hotel” has a lot of energy and pep, unlike the National Anthem where most people haven’t gotten through a single rendition without the use of a Five-Hour Energy.

26. Some Kinda Hate

Francis Scott Key failed to include words as prolific as “the maggots in the eye of love won’t copulate” in “The Star Spangled Banner.” Yet Francis was somehow considered a poet in his day and Glenn is not.

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Local Jam Session Goes So Poorly Nobody Suggests Starting a Band

Posted on by Carson Kile

CHICAGO — A local jam session reportedly went so awry that for the first time in millennia, none of the participants suggested they should start a band, astounded witnesses say.

“Usually, musicians are jumping at any opportunity to start a shitty band,” remarked Bobbi Irwin, who butchered his role as drummer during the doomed jam. “But I’ve never been so out of sync with a group of people in my life. After that horrible display, we all agreed to die with the secret of what transpired in that sweaty garage, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ style. Nobody made a single stank face of approval the entire time! Do you know how impressively bad that is? The best we got was an ‘eh, maybe?’ but that was immediately followed by a ‘no, absolutely not, never mind.’ Even the bassist understood the weight of the situation. The bassist!”

Local passersby who heard the cacophony coming from the garage felt the need to weigh in on the tragedy as well.

“Those guys had the same chemistry as a rock-climbing group chat with your ex-landlord,” said Nina Nixon, a pedestrian out walking her dog around the site of the incident. “Any time anyone had a modestly interesting idea to contribute, it was immediately met with confusion and miscommunication. There was a flutter of excitement at one point, the guitarist started playing this little riff, and the drummer lit up and started laying a beat on top of it. But that was until the guitarist revealed he was just playing ‘Smoke on the Water,’ and you could just feel the hope die right then and there.”

A researcher of musicology at the University of Chicago, Dr. Heath Hunt, remarked that this jam session was particularly interesting to academics because of how incredibly pathetic it was.

“I’ve never heard anything come even close to sucking this bad in my entire academic career,” said Dr. Hunt, rewinding the taped recordings of the jam and scribbling down notes. “After only 14 minutes, the participants had already put down their instruments, booted up ‘Mario Kart,’ and ordered a pizza. This is a statistical anomaly that will be studied for a long time. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty musicians that have somehow convinced themselves that they sound good enough to form a band, but miraculously, everyone involved in this jam session understood that it was best they never see each other ever again, for the greater good of the scene. Captivating!”

At press time, the musicians had all locked themselves away to avoid causing any more harm or even accidentally starting a band with each other.

Oh Fuck: This Person I’m Friendly With Asked “When?” After I Suggested That We Should Hang Out Sometime

Posted on by Bob Kerr

Every so often, you meet some horrible person who doesn’t fully understand what a social contract is. We all know someone that when you ask: “How are you doing?” you end up stuck in some long-winded sob story about their dying parent. Like, hello? Just say “fine” and move on!

Well, I really stepped in it this time.

I put up a post on Facebook about looking for a new dentist. Then this guy named Adam sends me a message and recommends his dentist.

Adam’s a guy I bump into occasionally at our mutual friend’s parties and once, we had a long conversation where he argued that Collective Soul’s “Hints, Allegations, And Things Left Unsaid” is an underrated album of the 90s.

Anyway, I message to thank him about the dentist recommendation and ask him what he’s been up to. He answers back with a “not much, you?” Great. We’re moving swimmingly into concluding a very non-committal conversation. I say: “Not much either. I gotta run, but we should hang sometime.”

Then this guy – this motherfucker – comes at me with: “When?”

What?! What is this? Who fucking does this? Is this guy French Stewart from 3rd Rock From The Sun or something? Some alien trying to figure out how people work?

Now I know how the victims in the Saw movies feel. At least those poor bastards had an out!

I consider killing Adam. Or myself. Murder-suicide?

Then he writes: “How about Saturday?”

Oh, fuck you, Adam. Fuck you, you complete turd of a human. It’s like my head’s in a vice and this sonofabitch adds another rotation.

No word of a lie, my ears are fucking ringing right now. Like a mortar shell just exploded beside me.

My hands are shaking wildly now as they land on the keyboard and start typing: “SsoUndds goo0d,” is what comes out.

He comes back at me with: “There’s a bar where you can spin your own vinyl! And guess who just bought a copy of Collective Soul’s first album??!”

I give him a thumbs up and burst into tears.

“Just Think About Baseball” Trick Not Working For Weakerthans Fan

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Local Weakerthans fan Graham Neal is reportedly unable to extend his performance in the bedroom by using the classic “just think about baseball” trick, confirmed anonymous totally non-girlfriend sources.

“I know for a fact I’m not the only guy in the world who is a quick finisher, there are entire messageboards dedicated to tips to help a person last longer. The problem is one of the most popular methods is a bust for me,” said Neal. “For example, one night I was watching ‘Moneyball’ with a group of college friends and I realized baseball is something that actually gets my motor running more than you might expect. As soon as they started talking about recreating players in the aggregate, I had to stand up and slowly leave the room. The only other time I’ve been nearly that excited was attending a John K. Samson poetry reading.”

Isabela Vega, Neal’s longtime girlfriend, was able to confirm this report.

“Oh yeah, the baseball thing is certainly not going to slow him down. If I’m being honest, though, this really comes up more for me than him. If anything, Graham can be a little overly sensitive in the heat of the moment, always asking how I’m doing, making sure I’m having a good time,” said Vega. “It’s sweet, but sometimes I just want to hit it and quit it so I can get back to watching some Housewives. So if I’m in the mood for a quickie, I just whisper a fantasy baseball stat in his ear and it’s a wrap! The National League WHIP leader always gets it done.”

Relationship counselor and local professor Elliot Cassidy who, coincidentally, was a longtime touring member of The Weakerthans has seen instances like these countless times.

“I’ve certainly encountered this with a few clients. If they ever give me that look like they kind of recognize me, I know this one is going to come up,” said Cassidy. “I’ve got my own trick, though. If I see that little glimmer of fandom and the ‘lasting longer’ topic comes up, I give them a new trick: imagine a radio hit with prosaic lyrics. Nothing turns off a Weakerthans fan like boring literal songwriting. A lack of metaphor is basically picturing your grandma naked to them.”

At press time, Vega realized fantasy baseball wasn’t working fast enough this time, so she brought out the big guns, which meant a curling reference.

Walgreens Announces Mass Store Closings After Locking Buildings Behind Glass Cases

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, company executives have confirmed.

“Walgreens prides itself on being the go-to pharmacy for communities across the country. Unfortunately, we compromised on that mission when we started locking up the shampoo and just kinda snowballed into encasing entire storefronts with 4 inch bulletproof glass that can only be unlocked by an employee that is nowhere to be found. It was only meant to deter shoplifters but unfortunately it has deterred literally everyone,” said executive Charles Pakowski. “It was only meant as a means of inventory control, but instead half of the stores are running out of oxygen and it’s made deliveries next to impossible, so at this rate it’s more economically viable to sunset our brick and mortar and plastic operations.”

Customers felt betrayed by the company’s decision to shutter stores rather than relax their display configuration.

“This is ridiculous! They make us wait in an hour-long line for someone to let us in one at a time and then inside every square inch of the store is locked up, even the pharmacists. All I wanted was some damn aspirin and maybe an iced tea and it turned into a four-hour ordeal,” said Patricia Collins. “The last straw is that they even lock up the self-checkout machines like they’re afraid people are going to make off with the receipt paper. This is why I shop at Walmart now, they don’t give a shit whether anyone pays or not.”

Bankruptcy lawyers involved with Walgreens’ decision indicated that these decisions are the new normal.

“Retail companies have been caught in a tough spot with economically strained customers stealing basic necessities. Protecting their inventory with security casing seemed like a solution in the short term, but it’s led to immense resentment in that the stores do not trust the customers and it’s fucking impossible to find someone to open a case for pair of nail clippers,” said attorney Mitch Wallace. “Earlier today I helped True Value Hardware file for Chapter 11 because people were turned off by the private military company they hired to protect the socket wrenches. It’s only going to get worse.”

As of press time, Walgreens announced an additional 200 stores would be closing after fed-up customers began boosting the stores completely out of their foundations.

Con Artist Gives Up On Dream and Becomes Con Accountant

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who were sad to see someone with that much talent go to waste.

“Let’s be honest, in today’s economy, I have to be a bit more practical if I want to get by and the money you make from con artistry is just too unpredictable,” said Metcalf. “Plus, there aren’t any benefits. If someone was to beat the ever-living shit out of me after they caught me scamming them, I’d be in big trouble financially. I need something more stable. Con accounting seems to be just that. All I need to do is fudge a few numbers on an Excel file and cook a few books, and I’ll still get a similar thrill. On top of that I’ll get a 401(k) that I will funnel right into my side hustle of con woodworking where I will sell my stuff on Etsy and only use pics that aren’t representative of the amateur product.”

Peer con artist Jenn Pilster was disappointed to see her friend give up on his dreams.

“Vinny had a real knack for swindling unsuspecting rubes,” said Pilster before conning 20 bucks off of a nearby 85-year-old woman. “Sure, he was a struggling con artist, but we do this for the love of the craft, not the monetary compensation. Hell, even the most famous con artist Vincent ‘Scam’ Gogh didn’t get financially rewarded for his work until after he passed away. It’s rough out there con artisans. From time to time, I even think of selling out and becoming one of those MLM pyramid scheme people. At least that way, I’d have some dignity.”

Kevin Metcalf was proud to see his son be a bit more level-headed in his career.

“After he attended con artist school in the streets of Iowa, I always tried to drill into him that he needs a backup plan,” said the father of three. “We wanted him to be a con doctor or a con firefighter, but we’ll settle for a con accountant, if it means he can afford a roof over his head. His grandfather was one of the greatest con lawyers the court system had ever seen, so we are happy to see him kind of following in his footsteps.”

At press time, Metcalf felt extremely scammed himself after seeing his student loan payment balance from attending accounting school.

Yes, I Used the Money From My Parents’ Death To Buy a House, but I’d Give It All Back for One More Chance To Scream at Them for Ruining My Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In the quiet aftermath of loss, when the world seems to grind to a halt and grief hangs heavy in the air, there’s a stark, biting realization that often follows. For me, that realization came with the cash purchase of my new home—a place of my own, bought entirely with the money from the estate, savings accounts, and life insurance policies from my parents’ untimely demise. Sure, it’s a lavish escape from the daily grind, a token of their final gift to me, but I would trade it all just to be able to scream at them one final time about what terrible people they were.

The initial mourning period was just that – initial. Now, with the dust settled and the paperwork completed, I’m left with a 3,000 square feet of livable space and profound sense of regret—not for the financial windfall, but for the missed opportunity to let my parents have it one last time, like really let them know what I think of them. To scream at them, to let them know exactly how they scarred my life. To blame my dad for not letting me go to Allen Tucker’s house party when I was 15 and to remind my mom what a bitch she is, for no particular reason.

I’ll never again be able to throw a tantrum over the times they’d made me go to family gatherings when I clearly wanted to stay home. The endless critiques of my career choices, which they never hesitated to remind me were subpar compared to their lofty expectations. And who could forget the incessant nagging about my lifestyle, or their inability to remember my friends’ names, or their obsession with the men I dated? All of these were little wounds that festered over time, each one a reminder of how they fell short in their parental duties.

Every corner of my new mansion holds a haunting echo of what might have been. A grandiose living room where I could have flung my frustrations about the time they forgot my birthday. A spacious kitchen where I could have thrown a pot of spaghetti against the wall when my mother critiqued my cooking skills. I could have turned the home theater into a shrine of grievances, with a rotating photo collage of failed expectations and unmet promises.

I would gladly trade every square foot of this luxury and comfort it affords, for just one more opportunity to scream at them about the countless ways they let me down. The walls of this new home may be adorned with my success, but they are haunted by the echoes of pent up rage.

So here I sit, in my expansive new abode, surrounded by opulence that was once intended to comfort me. But the real comfort would have been to face them, to unleash a torrent of frustration, and to let them know how deeply they had ruined my life. I’d trade this entire house in a heartbeat for that one more chance—to yell at the ghosts of my past and demand they answer for not buying me AppleBottoms in 2006.

Elon Musk Has Bright Vision of Future Where Humanity Thinks He’s Worst Person on Multiple Planets

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assumed extraterrestrials despised him already.

“This is one of the main reasons I bought Twitter. I wanted to soft launch this vision digitally where I had a platform to test my dream,” said Musk before discovering that nearly three-quarters of his children blocked him on X and the rest didn’t even have an account. “Intergalactic notoriety has been a goal of mine since I was a little boy from the minute I stared directly into the sun for 35 consecutive seconds. First, SpaceX will establish a civilization on Mars where citizens will probably not understand my message of free speech, and that I only ban people on X because I just don’t like their vibe. Next, we’re coming for Saturn. I mean, not only is that ring badass as hell, but I’m sure it won’t cost that much to buy from NASA. After all, the universe is my oyster.”

Musk fans were thrilled to hear about his plan of cosmic infamy.

“As the proud owner of a Cybertruck picture that I took last week, I couldn’t be more excited for Elon’s planetary dominance,” said David Kelenic. “This man has literally done no wrong, if you don’t count the COVID misinformation, right-wing conspiracy theory amplification, antisemitism, and his atrocious appearance on Saturday Night Live. Can’t we just give the man a break? He’s just trying his best as a billionaire, who could easily solve world hunger but chooses to purchase dying social media platforms instead.”

According to experts, this type of behavior in powerful men isn’t exclusive to Musk.

“Businessmen with that amount of net worth are always 100% pieces of shit to begin with,” said pundit Grace Johannson. “But for some reason, Elon likes to have that be his thing and make it front and center for all that he does. Of course, others have attempted this feat as well. For instance, Jeff Bezos once tried interdimensional douchebaggery. Even Mark Zuckerburg wanted someone to figure out how to travel back in time so that he can be hated during the Renaissance too. Luckily, they’ve all failed. As of now.”

At press time, Musk expanded on this bright vision of the future by outlining his dream of becoming hated among the sea life in the depths of the Pacific Ocean.

30 Death Cab for Cutie Songs That Might Just Be the Cause and Not Solution to Your Seasonal Depression

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s that time of year again. The sun starts setting before lunch, you exchange your summer beanie for your cold weather beanie, and the Death Cab for Cutie-induced depression starts creeping in. Some hypothesize that the change to colder temperatures and less daylight can result in temporary mental drear. But in reality, it is the sole cause of singer/songwriter Ben Gibbard’s music.

To prevent four to six months of depression, here are the 30 Death Cab songs you should absolutely avoid at all costs to maintain a healthy mental state this season. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Your New Twin Sized Bed” (2008)

Ben Gibbard is an exceptionally talented lyricist who writes beautiful songs that resonate with Millennials of all ages, and he simply must be stopped for the sake of everyone’s collective mental wellness.

29. “Tiny Vessels” (2003)

For every Death Cab song you listen to this autumn, you have to hear a good four or five ska tracks to undo the psychological damage. So if you want to avoid Reel Big Fish, stick with something more neutral. Like Cannibal Corpse.

28. “Asphalt Meadows” (2022)

At one point, Ben Gibbard started ultra running, including 50k and 100k races. Clearly this man’s level of depression has reached the “running 50 miles at a time” stage. So when doctors tell you that exercise alleviates the symptoms of depression, just show them any Death Cab for Cutie album post-2015 and Ben’s race times, and prove them all wrong.

27. “Brothers on a Hotel Bed” (2005)

Hope you have one of those therapeutic mood lights because that’s the only thing that will combat the effects of “Brothers on a Hotel Bed.” If that doesn’t work, you could try industrial grade fog lights on your bedside table. Otherwise, there’s no hope this season.

26. “Transatlanticism” (2003)

Once you’ve reached isolated piano note levels of Death Cab depression, your best bet is to wait it out until the weather gets above 65 degrees and you can finally leave your home. This too shall pass, as long as you turn off the “Transatlanticism” once and for all.

25. “Bixby Canyon Bridge” (2008)

If you’re looking for solutions to your seasonal depression, look way further than Ben Gibbard-fronted bands. Unfortunately, not even the Postal Service will save you, like it theoretically should.

24. “We Laugh Indoors” (2001)

Have we as a society tried straight up pausing all sad indie music from October through March and replacing it with “Who Let the Dogs Out”? If SSRIs don’t work, Baha Men might.

23. “Your Heart Is an Empty Room” (2005)

“Your Heart Is an Empty Room” is the official song of walking outside alone during a light drizzle while dead leaves smack you in the face and you don’t look up from your blink-less gaze at the sidewalk the whole time. It’s that good.

22. “No Sunlight” (2008)

Even this song title highlights one of the major causes for depression. A lack of sunlight and its healing vitamin D properties will only make you want to lie face down on your living room floor every night until the sunshine comes back next year. Death Cab may have inadvertently endorsed vitamin deficiencies.

21. “Marching Bands of Manhattan” (2005)

If you want to avoid Death Cab-induced seasonal depression, you’re going to have to wait until the summer to play this band. More specifically, wait until it’s 80 degrees in July to play “Marching Bands of Manhattan” for everyone at your pool party. They’ll all thank you later.

20. “Amputations” (1998)

Please be careful this fall when choosing music from a Death Cab for Cutie era. ’90s Death Cab can be almost as dangerous as their 2000s work. If only they didn’t write such beautiful music, so we can avoid them year-round.

19. “A Movie Script Ending” (2001)

Being drawn to music with jangly guitars is typically the first sign of mental despondency. The next sign is craving a track with a song structure that could instantly induce depression in Disney adults at Disney. There’s a reason they don’t play 2000s Death Cab on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

18. “Meet Me on the Equinox” (2009)

This one landed on the “Twilight” soundtrack and Robert Pattinson hasn’t been the same since. I mean, even his Batman was somber as hell instead of badass as shit. Ben, look what have you done to Bruce Wayne.

17. “Title and Registration” (2003)

Scientists have theorized that Death Cab for Cutie’s discography could reverse the positive effects of exercise and a good night’s sleep, which reverses the negative effects of depression. This never-ending cycle can be averted by avoiding Death Cab music and working out altogether.

16. “I Dreamt We Spoke Again” (2018)

Listen, it’s not Ben’s fault that he’s been blessed with the ability to induce a low mood mental state through the magic of song. He’s just embracing his destiny and we must all experience a sudden loss of interest in our hobbies as a result of his gift.

15. “What Sarah Said” (2005)

As the official band of seasonal depression, Death Cab for Cutie excels at making us subconsciously stare at a blank wall for an hour before getting out of bed and forget to eat lunch even though it’s our favorite meal of the day. They can’t keep getting away with this. Our pre-made sandwiches simply cannot expire in our refrigerators any longer.

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