Is there a more romantic season than fall, aside from spring, summer, and winter? When the leaves start changing colors and evenings get snuggly, it’s more important than ever to prioritize “couple time” with some creative dates!
And, if you’re one of those couples who is constantly followed by a terrifyingly wizened and gaunt crone who portends doom at every step, you especially need some good ideas to keep your spark alive.
For example:
1. Apple Picking
This super-cute autumn activity is a classic for a reason! There’s nothing like being out in brisk weather with a loved one, strolling through a gorgeous orchard while sipping warm homemade cider, and ignoring the keening wails of the crone, who haunts your every waking hour with her endless predictions of despair. Plus, at the end of the day, you’ve got a basket of apples, perfect for pies and cobblers.
2. Carve Every Gourd You See
A lot of couples feel satisfied to carve a pumpkin at Halloween and call it good, but you know they’ve never actually made each other cum. Try expanding your horizons a little and carve fall gourds of all kinds! Bottle gourds! Daisy gourds! The intimidating yet subtly erotic penguin gourd! Even if the crone still dogs your steps and whips acorns at your feet while chanting in the Old Tongue, she can’t stop gourd time.
3. Corn Maze Date
With any luck, you might be able to lose the crone for a few precious moments in a corn maze. Quick, around the corner! We can hear her coming! God, for just a few seconds of silence in this labyrinth of corn!
4. Visit the Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die
“The Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die” is the perfect spot for couples and their crone,” says life coach Dr. Dakota Borg. “While it might not be a traditional date spot, its dark recesses are perfect for private moments, and it never hurts to let a hope or two die in a relationship! Plus, the crone can run and play with other crones there, which is great exercise and can even help you meet new couple friends.”
5. Mini-Oktoberfest
Oktoberfest might only last for a few days in September, but that doesn’t mean you and your main squeeze can’t make your own Germanic fun. Surprise your lover with a fun array of beers and suggestive sausages, and don’t be afraid to sport some lederhosen! Remember, crones will only drink roggenbier, and if you try substituting a zwickelbier, she will shriek loud enough to curdle the wombs of your village’s cows.
6. Haunted House
Why not? It’s not like you don’t already have worse following your every footstep and reminding you that all love eventually dies and that the Bursar of Upper Franconia has cuckolded you.
7. Crone Day
Crone Day only comes once a year, and while you might not always get along with your crone and her predictions that all will fall apart and you will eat only cheese of despair, it’s her day. Pack your partner and your crone in the car, head to the state fairgrounds, and spend a fun autumn day treating your crone to sawdust and broken mirrors!
8. Pie-Making
We’ll be frank: pies make people horny and no crone wailing about Ragnarok can stop that.
I don’t care how many kids you have, that’s just funny.
Every parent I know loves this movie for some reason. I don’t get it. Ya’ll just decided to ignore the fact that one of the main characters is a dead kid in a cat’s body? But Georgie getting eaten by Pennywise is “triggering?” I guess having a kid gives you a super weird method for picking and choosing.
Here’s another one that gets a pass for some reason. Frankenstein straight-up murders a little girl and tosses her into a river, yet you’ll always find this movie in the “Family Frights” section of streaming services. Maybe it’s so slow and black & white that parents just fall asleep by that point in the movie?
The only thing moms love more than children living is John Krasinski. The dude could have done a smug look to camera right as the kid got snatched and the movie would still make $340,000,000.
Oh, it’s a BRUTAL child death, and they HATE it, but they see that A24 logo, and their desperation to still feel “hip” and “with it” just barely wins out.
Too much room for interpretation here. “Well, they’re not dead, they’re just in a snow globe!” Yeah, and my grandma isn’t dead, she’s just in a box in the ground.
Breeders can’t handle this one because a child accidentally drowning is “Too real.” What is it about having a baby that makes you forget films need an inciting incident? You can still watch “Bambi,” right? Even though it’s sad when Bambi’s mom gets shot? Well, this is just like that, only in reverse, and then things get worse. Cinema!
Lighten up, it’s not like he knew he was stabbing his wife and son. He thought it was a hunchback! This could happen to anybody.
Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy a classic movie with your friends now that their newborn is finally sleeping through the night, all of a sudden it’s all “Oh my god I forgot the kid dies in this I can’t watch!” You forgot about the Kintner boy? You forgot?! Wow, tell me you’re going to be shitty parents without telling me you’re going to be shitty parents.
“I just can’t see that and not think ‘What if that were my kid,” she said. “If that happens to your kid I hope the monster has better makeup” I replied. Then she kicked me out of her house.
You can’t have a blatant “Jaws” ripoff without a kid being eaten, just as sure as I can’t call my buddy Stew’s wife a drama queen or “bring weird movies over anymore.”
Oh, you won’t watch this but you’ll still call Eric Clapton “The greatest guitarist of all time?” Hypocrite.
All kidding aside I know you love your children more than anything in this world, but if the shit goes down and they turn on you, I pray you’ll have the wherewithal to do the right thing.
I can’t believe my non-childless adult friends were so triggered by this movie, it’s completely unrealistic! Look at how much blood pours down the tunnel slide after the clown eats into that kid’s brain. There wouldn’t really be that much blood, it’s a kid!
The “We love anything with John Krasinski” rule doesn’t apply here, even though this movie has two other actors from “The Office” and fucking Kenneth from “30 Rock.” Give me all the “You don’t understand, you don’t have kids” you want, I remember when they were home-schooled in the pandemic and you prayed for death.
Is the remake better than the original? Of course not, but it’s a fine zombie movie in its own right and it does have one-up on its predecessor—a zombie newborn! And my formerly cool but now child-rearing friends actually yelled “No!” when the lady shot that damned thing. It’s sad, but I think if their kid ever became a zombie they wouldn’t have what it takes to do what needs to be done.
If we live in a world where we can’t all laugh at something as stupid as a kid’s head flying into the air after he’s eaten by a “Dinocroc,” what’s the point of continuing the species?
It’s kind of insane that a movie this bad had the balls to not only break the child death taboo but then double down with a Xenomorph/Predator hybrid loose in a hospital baby ward. You have to laugh at that sort of audacity, which is what made my sister’s reaction, leaving the room to cry and check to make sure her sleeping baby was safe (spoiler, he WAS, duh,) completely unreasonable.
This sequel took a beating from critics and my lame-ass friends with kids alike, but I think it deserves some credit. Any old horror movie can kill a kid, but it takes moxie to show-not-just-tell that the dead kid is in hell, forever, all because her dad who loved her and wanted to protect her made the wrong decision. As people who decided to have a kid when we are clearly in the end times, I really thought my friends would respect such a bold choice.
There’s a lot to not like about this movie, but the kid accidentally shooting himself is an important statement on gun safety and frankly, my parental friends should be thanking me for bringing it to their attention.
