Every President Ranked By the Quality of Their Mukbang Content

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Every human has basic desires: the need for shelter, human touch, and access to Presidential Mukbang streams. It’s only natural that in the year of an Election, you’d want to see relatable POTUS content. What’s more relatable than stuffing your jaws to entertain strangers amid late-stage capitalism? To help you get started, we’ve rounded up all former Chiefs of State to create a tailored guide. From early slaveholders and mutton-chopped racists to nepo-baby statesmen and media personalities, the whole gang’s here ranked from worst to best!

46. Ronald Reagan

You thought I was going to mention Jelly Beans, didn’t you? Surprise! Reagan eats shit. Literally, he is into scat porn. Human feces, caught in between those smiling pearly whites. The dementia somehow helps him, fuels him. Spoonfed occasionally by Nancy, but mostly devouring with his face pressed into a ramekin, hunched over a table in the Oval Office. He can often be heard yelling “Tear down this wall!” in any White House bathroom, mostly because he wants to get his hands on that sweet delicious human shit on the other side.

44. James Buchanan

“It begins with a B and it don’t get better!” That’s Buchanan’s phrase about his own disgusting Mukbang stream: 24/7 butter. Butter sculptures. Butter cannons. Butter smoothies. You’ll never want to ingest the churned cream, ever again. James eats so much butter that he regularly passes out on camera and awakes in a pool of soft half-vomited butter, only to slop it down for the next hour of Mukbang content. Like life itself, it is a disgusting endless cycle.

43. Donald J. Trump

Watch the bankrupt felon smear ketchup over his steak, a true connoisseur of fine-dining. Most videos featuring Trump see him complimenting the steak, prodding at it with suggestive fingers. He refuses utensils; like all matters of business and sexual assault, Trump prefers to be “hands on.” In true Trump fashion, he occasionally outsources the video, only to critique the final product. On the feed are underpaid immigrants filling in for Trump, wearing masks with his face. Sometimes it’s Donnie and Eric, rough-housing in front of the live camera in their pajamas.

42. Richard Nixon

If you learn one thing from this entire list, let it be this: Nixon’s favorite meal was cottage cheese mixed with ketchup. Actual fact, feel free to look it up. What an absolute fucking monster. This food combination alone is enough to bring an impeachment inquiry against this human piece of shit. What sniveling coward invented this combination? How little dignity can you have for the world to know this? Put the scandal aside, I’d honestly consider jumping from a bridge if people knew cottage cheese and ketchup was my favorite meal. Tricky Dick ironically broadcasts live from the Watergate hotel, because nowadays “branding” and “ironic distance” are more important than being caught wiretapping the rooms of your enemies.

41. Woodrow Wilson

Fun fact about Woodrow Wilson: he hid grapes in his ass. He called them “My Soft Little Friends” and would sometimes leave social functions, returning with a mouthful of grapes (occasionally and playfully opening his mouth to display the contents). As such, Woodrow slowly unpeels and carefully eats his ass grapes live on camera for the entire world to “enjoy.” I suppose we’ll never know how truly stressful World War I was.

40. William Henry Harrison

Catching pneumonia at your own inauguration, only to die from the same illness, means that Harrison’s Mukbang content is very limited – a slender library. In fact, they are mostly in .gif format. Filmed with bright colors to catch the eye, watch as Harrison sloppily spoons a hearty serving of squirrel and vegetable soup. Some of the short videos show squirrel meat prep, a video nobody wants. Perhaps it’s best that there is limited content here. His recipes for squirrel soup remain on Pinterest, though, for anyone interested.

39. Harry S. Truman

Horsepiss Harry, that’s what everyone in school used to call him. The President that famously dropped the only wartime nuclear weapons continues his penchant for bronco urine well into old age. Harry’s Mukbang stream often begins with him rising up from below a horse after chugging a gallon of pony piss, topping off the foamy treat with some hay and walnuts. Truman’s stream is filmed live from a barnyard loft, perfect for easy access to that piping hot, deep golden equine pee.

38. Andrew Jackson

Between spouts of racist remarks and casually emitting slurs on a livestream, Andrew is still feeding on the 1,400-pound wheel of cheddar cheese first introduced back at his Inaugural Ball. Stinking to the rafters with mold and mildew, the cheese block has considerable chunks clawed out of it, most from Old Hickory himself. Unfortunately since Andrew is mostly drunk during the stream, his ramblings are difficult to decipher (obfuscated further by the crumbling rotten cheese stuffed into his jaw). Believe it or not, Jackson’s Mukbang stream is particularly popular in certain regions of France and Alabama.

37. Gerald Ford

Don’t let the dull exteriors fool you. Ford usually has long rows of plated pot roast orders, with a red cabbage side. With his veiny gut hanging out, Ford stares into the camera the entire time, strings of meaty muscle flying into his thinning hair. The worst part is when he directly addresses the camera, speaking with a mouthful of pot roast. This can go on for hours, with Ford falling asleep in front of his handful of fans. Of course he always trips over his slop bucket when waking up in the morning. Classic Ford.

36. William H. Taft

Live cows. William Howard Taft eats live cows on screen. It’s horrifying. Nobody knows how he is still allowed to have a channel. It is traumatizing to watch, even for a moment. The man crouches over several buckets, pulling apart bovine with his jaws and hands. The sounds, the wails. If there is someone you hate, send them the Taft Mukbang.

35. Calvin Coolidge

Perhaps the creepiest Mukbang stream of any President. Calvin doesn’t eat, only nibbling on an Altoid at the very end. Sometimes an almond. He doesn’t speak: it’s front-facing footage of him simply staring. Saying nothing, absolutely silent. The content is almost David Lynchian, the horror stream of a silver-haired soulless man simply staring the camera down. In fact, his nickname was “Silent Cal.” He got the idea for the livestream when he famously said at a dinner “You lose” after a woman bet she could get more than two words out of him. A notorious racist, Calvin’s words certainly became more colorful and peppered in private circles.

34. Franklin Pierce

Though his state dinners are rare and relatively modest affairs, Pierce sticks to New England staples. But he goes absolutely gaga over fried clams. Like, his knees go weak and cum pours out of his eyeballs. Dude loves the stuff, he says he could eat fried clams as a midnight snack, an after-dinner mint or a pre-copulation bedside aphrodisiac. With his little clam bib and sailor outfit, Pierce tells the most fucking boring stories on his Mukbang, all between sucking down rows of fried clams.

33. Lyndon Johnson

LBJ famously could handle anything spicy. His Mukbang feed is almost a pain tolerance marathon. It begins with Mexican food dishes, elevating to deer sausage drizzled in Carolina Reaper pepper. Lyndon insists on standing during his Mukbang streams, his 6’4” frame filling the Texas roadhouse that he records in, red pepper and tears streaming down his sweat-stained pajamas. Despite the bucket of ulcers in his stomach, indigestion the size of Texas and the occasional sharting while live on camera, LBJ is actually fairly happy in his hot sauce heaven.

32. George W. Bush

Cheeseburger pizzas. That was Dubya’s favorite snack. That’s right: beef, bacon, pickles, cheese, tomato, mustard and ketchup, all spread out on a pizza margherita. A deconstructed cheeseburger, laid bare on a pie. And you know what? This war criminal is a culinary genius. In between nibbles on his slices, Georgie loves to tell rambling stories somehow relating to patriotism and simultaneously paint horrifyingly banal portraits. When he hints at involvement during a certain 2001 “inside job,” he’s referring to an infamous bout of summer indigestion.

31. William McKinley

William McKinley likes chopped hot lobster on all sorts of food. In fact, watching his channel is almost unbearable. Hot lobster salads, hot lobster sundaes, hot lobster smoothies: he’s got a whole variety. Complete with his lobster bib and hot lobster sauce, McKinley calmly devours an entire aquarium before your very eyes.

30. Chester A. Arthur

Chester Arthur surprised everyone around him by taking to the carnivore diet. Specifically, he likes mutton chops. Throwing the bones aside into a gently-leaning pile, the 21st President lets the animal sinew fly everywhere as he tells long stories of his youth during the livestreams. Of course he’s wearing his branded “Nice to meat you” apparel.

29. James Garfield

The Mukbang content here might be for only those with a strong stomach. Garfield is keen on raw beef spread on stale bread. “Builds character,” he insists. Infamous for only serving 200 days in office before his assassination, we don’t really prod at the spectral existence of Presidents performing Mukbang online. We’re just happy to live in a world where it exists, even if it means seeing uncooked beef stuck between Garfield’s chompers.

28. Ulysses S. Grant

Apple pancakes, or fried apples, seem to be the tray of choice for the Civil War hero. Nicknamed “Useless” as a kid, this trait carries over to his horrible livestream channel. With the camera blurry and often out of focus, Grant hasn’t seemed to grasp the basic needs of live-streaming, often asking his grandsons to help him while caked in gooey apple mash. Sometimes it’s just footage of his feet, which brings in a whole other online demographic.

27. Dwight Eisenhower

Dwight had a famously insatiable appetite for his wife’s “Million Dollar Fudge.” What was the secret ingredient? Mamie Eisenhower went to the grave without telling, but many suspect breastmilk and cardamom. Dwight Eisenhower watches TV while gently licking fudge from a tray, like a dog treated for anxiety with a licking mat. It’s not the most exciting Mukbang stream, but like Eisenhower expanding America’s highway system, it adequately gets the job done.

26. Benjamin Harrison

Teeth saw into the cob, corn flying everywhere. Empty husks left in piles. This is pure corn content. Benjamin Harrison’s obsession with corn goes beyond his Mukbang stream. His chair pillow is a giant yellow mock corn kernel. He wears shirts with corn puns, too cringey to bother mentioning here. When that kid went viral in 2022 talking about corn, Harrison practically made the song his anthem. In fact (unfortunately) he still uses it.

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Lucky Bastard: Quincy Jones Dies Before Having to Deal With Election Day

Posted on by Bill Conway

Legendary musician, producer, and seemingly the luckiest son of a bitch around, Quincy Jones died at his home in Bel Air Sunday night just a few hours before America turns into a complete and utter shitstorm on election day.

Jones’ contributions to music are vast, having worked with Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and producing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Which became the best-selling album of all time. Additionally, his well-timed death at 91 years old means he will not have to watch heavily armed militia groups stalk the streets of battleground states screaming about voter fraud. While highly paid lawyers do their best to look for loopholes in a 250-year-old document that will return a tyrant to power.

His impressive career spanned nearly 70 years. He oversaw the recording of “We Are the World” in 1985 and organized President Clinton’s first inaugural celebration. He is remembered by his wife, his children, and all of us who are forced to suffer through a hotly contested election season with disinformation spewing from every corner of the internet and on cable television channels 24 hours a day. Playing some of his records on full blast might be the only way to keep yourself from gouging out your eyeballs or shoving an ice pick into your ears in order to escape the non-stop chatter of pundits.

The list of honors Jones earned over the years include 28 Grammy Awards, two honorary Academy Awards and an Emmy for “Roots.” Meanwhile, we are left stockpiling shelf-stable goods and hunkering down as the next Civil War approaches. Americans from all sides of the political spectrum are expected to nervously watch election results all the while Jones gets to remain dead, without a fucking care in the goddamn world.

As an activist Jones championed the fight against HIV and AIDS, strived to educate children, and help the poor around the world. Meanwhile, we are all welcoming the sweet relief of death with less than 24 hours until November 5th. If we weren’t such cowards we would join Jones. We have the means, we have the motivation, we just don’t have the guts to follow through with it.

Kamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot Album

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was by far “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses),” campaign officials confirmed.

“Boy do I love this album, Doug and I used to listen to it on repeat when we first started dating so it reminds me of a simpler time. Musically it’s their most cohesive album socially and those quieter acoustic moments really make songs like ‘Pulse of the Maggots’ hit even harder. That was also my favorite lineup too, I mean Joey Jordison was the best, right folks?” said Harris. “As president, I will sign the ‘Virus of Life Act’ which will ensure the album is released as a 20th anniversary double vinyl deluxe record with the Japanese bonus track. And you better believe it’ll be pressed right here in Iowa, because a record this fucking heavy should be made right here in the USA.”

Iowans who’d been on the fence about the election candidates admitted Harris’ endorsement was a welcome surprise.

“I was leaning towards Trump because of his immigration policies, Iowa is just a mere 1,200 miles from the Mexican after all. Not to mention I’ve never voted for a Democrat so I was shocked when she name-dropped ‘The Subliminal Verses’ because you better fucking believe that’s my favorite album too. The way she weaved the lyrics of ‘Duality’ into her plan for taking on price gouging sold me all the way,” said Cedar Rapids resident Shawn Willis. “While I have my doubt’s she’s ever listened to the album at full volume while crushing a 30-rack of Coors in a barn with the boys, I’ve never heard Trump mention nu metal in any capacity, and I don’t think that’s someone I can trust.”

After the release of the new polls, Trump campaign staffers were in full panic mode.

“We got completely blindsided by this one. Shouldn’t it be Slipknot endorsing her and not the other way around? I told Donald a thousand times, along with denying knowledge of Project 2025 and knowing Epstein, to bring up Iowa bands other than Stone Sour. And that’s on top of him being oblivious to Corey Taylor being in the band too,” said strategist Paul Hemsworth. “She’s basically locked up the white male millennial demographic and we’re not gonna come close. Maybe if we have him name drop the Everly Brothers we can hope to still secure the boomers.”

Harris’ favorability increased further after husband Doug Emhoff was seen leaving a local record store and proudly showing off a copy of “Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.”

38-Year-Old Touring Musician Changes Entire Rider to “Enough Chairs For Me and Audience”

Posted on by Peter Woods

SANTA FE, N.M. — Ana Sutton, a 38-year-old musician who is currently on tour, recently changed all the demands in her rider to “enough chairs for me and the audience” in a move industry insiders are calling monumental for “aging road warriors.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I really need more actual money too,” said Sutton. “I used to ask for $750, dinner, and a place to crash, but those days dried up. Then I just asked for a cut of the door and a functional PA, but streaming basically turned tours into self-funded vanity projects. So the least I can ask for is a place to sit down so I can save on orthotic insoles, and even that seems like too much sometimes.”

Following the switch, Sutton’s fans have shown their appreciation for the streamlined demand.

“Really, she’s helping both me and herself,” said 41-year-old fan Erik Terrell. “It’s tough to gauge how much damage I could do to my back, knees, and ankles if I’m forced to stand for an entire show. I know I’m going to end up sitting at the bar after a song and a half if they don’t have chair available. Or better yet, sit in my car, which will take me to my bed. And then I can lie down, which sounds really nice right now. Actually, do you think she can add cots to the rider too?”

Despite this positive response, some within the music industry are not pleased about the new rider.

“What kind of operation does this brat think we’re running?” said Valentina Mcgee, a director of local venue The Slime Archive. “This is a DIY space. Only a self-entitled, stuck-up venue would just have chairs around. Like, we have a plastic bucket that someone can turn upside down. I could hose off some of the cinderblocks in our back alley and those could work in a pinch. And I’m pretty sure this step ladder can sit maybe 12 people, but chairs? Come on.”

“Oh wait, only 8 people said they’re attending on Facebook,” added Mcgee. “So I think we’re good.”

As of press time, 12 of the venues on Sutton’s tour implemented a $10 chair rental fee.

Opinion: As a Performer, I Actually Love Looking Out Into a Sea of Illuminated Rectangles

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

These days, it’s commonplace for concert attendees to have their smartphones on hand to record every second of a performance. While many musicians have waxed poetic about the loss of living in the moment and how annoying it can be to see your crowd completely disengaged from you, I’m here today to offer my humble opinion: that, as a performer, I actually love looking out into a sea of illuminated rectangles.

No, really! I don’t mind it at all, and in fact, reap intense joy from the very sight of the faces of strangers lit up like they’re telling a scary story around a campfire. Other performers and singers might totally hate the fact that everyone who is there to supposedly enjoy their work is just staring at a tiny screen instead of actually witnessing the show, but not me. I think it’s deeply comforting to never look a single crowd member in the eye. Or even look at people holding lighters, or people who are too shitfaced to know where they are. I prefer the cool blue glow of an iPhone 14 to all of that.

I just think it’s kind of amazing that in this day and age, people don’t want to be present at all. I love that shit! The people who come to my gigs have no interest in me, they have an interest in documenting a memory they never really experienced in the first place so they can brag to their friends online. That’s honestly a huge step forward for humanity. We’ve bypassed live entertainment completely. And I’m here to tell you definitively that, as someone who does this for a living, I just can’t get enough of this phenomenon.

Speaking of doing things for a living, I’m actually looking into getting a sponsorship with Apple. I really think my unique viewpoint of genuinely adoring when my so-called fans completely fucking ignore me in order to take several hundred 15-second videos they will never revisit could be highly profitable. And sure, I’d consider Android, but we all know that those green-text-bubble fools don’t manufacture the sort of luminescent rectangle that really makes my heart warm.

Do any of you guys have an in down at the ol’ influencer headquarters? Anyone know how I can monetize watching the music industry continue to nosedive both morally and financially? @ me on IG during one of my shows if you do!

Friends Stage Emergency Intervention Over Man’s Refusal to Shave Soul Patch

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.

“It’s been a tumultuous evening, but it was a long time coming. Ever since Greg grew this soul patch he’s become a different person, and we have to tell him point-blank how fucking stupid he looks. He’s tried to convince us he’s going for ‘edgy nu-metal frontman’ but he looks like a creepy magician. Not sure which is worse,” said intervention organizer Jane Williams. “He’s not taking it well, especially about how we don’t want to be seen with him in public. We can’t force him to get rid of it, but without help this will be a slippery slope to unironically wearing a fedora or bowling shirts with flames on them.”

Wachowski could not help but feel like he was being attacked over what was simply a personal choice.

“Rocking this soul patch isn’t a problem. The real problem is my so-called ‘friends’ lying about hosting a Korn karaoke night only to cry at me about my grooming habits. I like the soul patch, OK? I can’t have fun without it and it makes me feel invincible. And I can shave it off any time I want to, dammit,” said Wachowski after locking himself in the bathroom. “But no, I gotta be ballbusted about how I look like a villain from a bad ‘90s action movie, as if that were a bad thing. I don’t care that my brother is uninviting me to Thanksgiving, I’m not buying a razor. I’m totally in control of my facial hair!”

Intervention resource groups acknowledged that cringe-inducing style choices can impact lives similarly to substance abuse.

“When intervening with a loved one’s self-destructive behaviors, at least with drugs and alcohol, there are many treatment programs they can get checked into. Unfortunately when it comes to questionable fashion choices you have to practically beat it out of them. It’s a level of delusion that can’t be fixed with a methadone clinic,” said intervention specialist John Dorner. “Embarrassing facial hair is the toughest because it’s totally avoidable, yet usually attached to extremely stubborn people. I watched the hipster handlebar mustache trend in the early 2010’s tear families apart.”

Wachowski eventually agreed to shave after friends showed him a picture of Howie Mendel and said this was his future if he didn’t change his harmful lifestyle.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We’ll Take Any Distraction From Election Coverage

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Now that you’ve thrown away another cheaply made and ill-fitting costume, there’s nothing left to do but sit back, relax, and have several full-blown panic attacks about the current and future state of the nation. We’re not saying it’s not important to worry, but you should probably give yourself some breaks here and there. Fortunately, no matter how chaotic and unsettling the world gets, artists are constantly churning out new material. Here are six new tracks you can put on while you disassociate until Wednesday morning.

Bartees Strange ‘Too Much’

If you’re still somehow celebrating Halloween today, you’ll be happy to know that indie rock phenomenon Bartees Strange has released a new track from his upcoming album ‘Horror.’ Though ‘Too Much’ won’t appear next to ‘Monster Mash’ on next year’s spooky playlist, the riffage here is so good it’s kind of scary. Sonic attributes aside, the accompanying video is worthy of b-horror status and has already been giving several of our interns intractable night terrors.

Chastity Belt ‘That Guy’

Your favorite band’s favorite band, the beloved indie quartet Chastity Belt return with an excellent new single ‘That Guy.’ The track was initially recorded for last year’s excellent comeback album ‘Live Laugh Love’ but didn’t quite make the perfect cut of the record. As expected, a Chastity Belt song that isn’t good enough to make it on one of their albums is still better than some bands’ entire discographies.

Tunde Adebimpe ‘Magnetic’

TV On The Radio’s frontman Tunde Adebimpe is primed to release his solo debut and first record for famed label Sub Pop next year. Whereas most artists tend to dial back their sound for solo records, Adebimpe seems to be keeping the energy going strong. His debut single ‘Magnetic’ is frenetic dance-punk ripper that wouldn’t sound out of place on the upcoming TOTR tour, but still manages to evoke a fresh, new and individual tone. AKA, way less sad than your solo debut.

The Cure ‘Warsong’

It’s hard to believe it, but The Cure’s long threatened new album has finally been thrust upon us. ‘Songs of a Lost World’ marks the goth progenitors’ first collection of new music in 16 years. Some of our nerdiest and saddest writers have even gone as far as to say it’s their best album since the ‘90s. We’re not sure about that, but it is very good. To help ease you into the massive display of ambient goth-rock fuckery, we suggest starting with one of the few tracks that is under 6 minutes long.

Fucked Up ‘Someday’

On Friday, Fucked Up surprise released their fourth album in less than two years. It should be noted that this album comes on the heels of an 11 track record they wrote, recorded, and released within a 24 hour span. Considering how long it’s taken to put the ‘finishing touches’ on your 6-song solo debut, the band is currently outpacing you by nearly 4000%. There’s no need to be so depressed you quit music, though. The album is so good it might inspire you to fuck with the snare on track 3 for another 8 hours before completely rerecording the whole track.

LCD Soundsystem ‘x-ray eyes’

Bust out that knee brace and pop a couple ibuprofen, cause it’s time to dance! That’s right. LCD Soundsystem is back with a brand new jam, ‘x-ray eyes.’ The track has reportedly been culled from sessions that will form the whole of the band’s first new album in nearly a decade. If the popping sound that your hip is making to the beat of this one doesn’t concern you, the fact that 2017 was 7 years ago will be sure to do the trick. The band’s mastermind James Murphy has advised fans not to expect an album announcement any time soon as that is time better spent wishing in vain for your youth.

Too despondent to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you actually have hobbies and interests.

Elder Abuse? These Friends Convinced Their 37-Year-Old Friend To Go to a Show

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Recent clips of Frankie Valli performing at the age of 90 have reignited the conversation about elder abuse in this country. While celebrity cases shine a light on the problem, it’s important to identify cases of elder abuse in our day-to-day lives. Last week, a 37-year-old man named Matt Reynolds was convinced by a group of younger “friends” to go to a hardcore show even though it is painfully clear he has aged out of such activities.

One of the friends, Chuck Bowman, 28, said that they had good intentions of inviting Reynolds to the show at the non-airconditioned VFW hall located at the end of what locals refer to as “Oxy Alley.” “It took some convincing but he said he wanted to go just as long as it was not on a weekday night and that it would end no later than 10:30. That should’ve been our first clue this was a bad idea.”

“He showed up late because he said he had to stop at a drug store to get earplugs and some Dr. Scholl’s inserts for his Vans,” said another friend Dara Roberts, 26. “Then he couldn’t find the QR code on his phone he had been emailed when he bought the ticket and kept saying couldn’t he just give them five dollars and a can of food like every other hardcore show he’s ever been to. Poor guy is really out of it.”

When the first band Realm Of Brutal Assault started playing the older friend appeared to be confused by the giant horseshoe-shaped pit that opened up with just a handful of people doing spinkicks and windmills. He later asked why no one was up front singing along and that it was almost as if “no one even cares what the lyrics are anymore.”

Midway through the third band Retribution Fist’s set Reynolds began to fidget and said he needed to sit down complaining that both his knees and back were hurting from just standing in place for a moderate amount of time. Out of desperation he made his way back to the merch area and pretended to be working at one of the tables just so he could sit down on one of the fold-out chairs.

Unfortunately, the friends say Matt was unable to see the headliner X Violent Fucking Hatred X as he said it was getting late and he had physical therapy in the morning. Later Reynolds would confess to his friends he was not having a good time and at this point he can only sit through two bands maximum. Despite all of this the friends say they are planning to get Matt to go with them to the 3-day Purification Of Blood Fest when it is scheduled on the hottest day of the year next summer.

UN Deploys Kendall Jenner to Deliver Pepsi To IDF

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

TEL AVIV — The United Nations decided to call on model, media personality, and socialite Kendall Jenner to deliver a can of Pepsi to the IDF in hopes of ending the escalating war in the Middle East, confirmed sources who had no backup plans if this didn’t work.

“Who knew a stern talking to from the international community wouldn’t stop this?” bemoaned United Nations Commissioner, Volker Turk. “Nothing’s been working either. We tried giving Israel 50 billion dollars, but that doesn’t appear to be doing enough for peace. If anything they’re just increasing the bombings. It looks like we’re going to have to call upon a true weapon for peace: The American Monarchy. In particular, a reality star. She seemed to singlehandedly end racial injustice years ago, so now it’s time to put her Instagram fame to the test.”

A spokesperson from acclaimed beverage juggernaut PepsiCo weighed in on their decision to aid the United Nations in its efforts.

“Look, I’m not saying Pepsi ended racism in 2017, a lot of people say that. I don’t, but a lot of people do. At the end of the day, you can’t say the summer of 2020 happens without Pepsi,” said spokesperson Ron Brokaw, “We got a lot of backlash from that ad. People weren’t ready to have the conversation Pepsi was having. But they all come crawling back eventually. And Pepsi is here to answer the call. We’re here to give the world what it needs: aspartame and a two-state solution.”

A member of Jenner’s personal team reported how enthusiastic she was to join the cause.

“When I asked Kendall if she would be interested in donating her time to issues with the IDF she said ‘like with fertility?’ and I said ‘No the IDF’s war with Hamas,’” shared Jenner’s assistant Ashley Bowood. “And she said ‘Ashley, what does having babies have to do with snack dip? Is hummus bad for fertility? Because I eat that shit all the time?’ And then I told her it would be great for her to lend her platform for good. Then I told her this would do big numbers for her tequila brand and she agreed.”

At press time, Jenner was being loaded into a plane as they prepared her to be air dropped into the front lines.

Opinion: My Next Tattoo Will Be the One That Fixes Me

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As someone riddled with multiple hang ups, insecurities, and repressed emotions you’d be correct in thinking that I absolutely need to go to therapy. But that’s expensive, and I really don’t need a second party judging me when I’m doing it myself for free. Instead, like so many others, I’ve taken to a different form of achieving mental equilibrium by getting more tattoos than is necessary. So far I’ve spent $5,000 and the light inside me is still dying.

There is a silver lining though because unlike the last five or six sessions, I’m 100% sure the next tattoo will fix all my problems.

Now I’m not completely blind to the fact that I have arguably spent as much (and possibly more) money on tattoos as I would’ve to see an actual licensed professional to help me get over reliving every embarrassing thing I’ve ever said and done. Yes, both involve making appointments, waiting rooms, and deposits, but only one of them has me walking out with a big tittied mermaid on my chest.

I can sense some of you are reading this and saying “Surely there are other, productive methods of healing your inner child and reconciling with your past mistakes.” First of all, shut up. Secondly, I already tried that which is why I have not one but two skull tattoos. Besides, I’m not going to fall into the trap of the self-care industrial complex by getting into pottery or hiking. My hobby is having ink blasted into my skin until it bleeds, thank you very much.

But it all comes down to this. I’m just one more permanent piece of self-expression away from being able to look in the mirror and not see an awkward, overweight 14-year-old with a bad bowl cut. And instead of addressing my body dysmorphia head on, I’m going to get a big ol’ chest piece on that same body which will more than likely suppress the memory of the 8th grade dance. Checkmate, body issues!

The breakthrough is just around the corner, you’ll see! Pretty soon I’ll be rocking ink so cool, so spiritually cathartic, that I can stop internalizing two decades of self-hatred and remorse. I’m thinking of something like a rattlesnake with a knife through its head or a panther. The guy I go to can easily do either.

And hell, if that doesn’t work I can always just switch to body piercing.