Jonas Brothers Upgrade to Cock Rings

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — International sensation the Jonas Brothers announced that since doing away with the chastity rings that they wore as Disney Channel heartthrobs, the trio have upgraded to wearing cock rings at all hours of the day, confirmed sources.

“We can’t thank you all enough for growing up with us, and being right alongside us at every step of our journey over the years,” said frontman Nick Jonas while adjusting his crotch area. “As proof that we and our kinks are always evolving, we have dedicated ourselves to having the strongest erections possible. When we were kids, there were constant jokes being made about the chastity rings that we wore to signify our purity. Well, let me assure you, all three of us are having sex with our wives and girlfriends constantly. Almost weekly now. And to prove it, we’ve committed ourselves to wearing cock rings from this point on!”

Vocalist and guitarist Joe Jonas elaborated on the group’s decision.

“For me, it’s like, there’s just something about it that adds to that energy once we’re onstage,” Jonas stated. “I can’t really describe it. It’s just one more thing that bonds the three of us as brothers. Now I can’t speak for the other guys, but mine…vibrates. Sophie actually still has the remote, so whenever I feel some friction down there, I know she’s watching me and deciding to give me a little stimulation.”

Eldest brother and lead guitarist Kevin Jonas shed more light on the reactions of the brothers’ partners to the news.

“I was totally against the idea at first. I was like, ‘Guys, that’s a boundary that we just shouldn’t cross.’ Plus, I’m more of an anal bead guy myself,” Jonas said. “But then I asked Danielle about it and she was super enthusiastic. Her eyes actually sort of lit up when I mentioned it, and she was nodding along vigorously as I described the idea. It’s been nothing but a positive for the two of us at the end of the day.”

At press time, the pop rock band was posing for a Rolling Stone photoshoot, pulling the waistbands of their jeans down just enough so the shiny metal rings were visible.

Travis Kelce Dies After Taylor Swift Leaves Him in Sweltering Hot Private Jet

Posted on by Matt Husser

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was found dead today after his fiancée Taylor Swift accidentally left him in her sweltering hot private jet shortly after they announced their plans to be married, NFL sources confirmed.

“I told Travis not to fool around with those gatdang private jets, I never liked that the windows don’t roll down, and he always got tangled up in the seat belts! Oh this is all my fault, I saw him banging on the windows but I thought he was just foolin’ around playing peek-a-boo,” sobbed brother Jason Kelce. “We can’t even have an open casket ’cause he got all cooked up and exploded like a hot dog roasting over a campfire. Why God, why do bad things happen to good people, and not monsters like Deshaun Watson or the Jaguar’s mascot?”

Swift’s publicist released a statement on behalf of the grieving pop star.

“It’s been a cruel summer for Taylor, one that will take a lifetime for her to shake it off—especially just weeks after the announcement of her new album, ‘The Life of a Showgirl,’ available on all streaming platforms October 3rd, 2025,” said publicist Breanna Grant. “A tragic end to a love story like Taylor and Travis will leave a blank space for years to come, but if there’s anyone that can resume touring with a tortured soul, it’s Tay Tay. Fear not Swifties, Taylor will find a way to mend her broken heart and return to the studio to record her 13th studio album in honor of Travis, ‘When Angels Touch Down in Heaven.'”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell promised to honor the legacy of the Chiefs All-Pro tight end.

“Although Travis’ life was tragically cut short after he was slow-cooked like a Kansas City brisket, he will be remembered for his on-field talent, bright personality, and bringing the NFL a 2,000% ROI in key female demographics after bagging the biggest popstar in the world,” said Goodell. “To honor Travis’ legacy, the NFL will be raising awareness this season about the greatest danger facing our athletes today: being accidentally left in sweltering hot luxury vehicles. Please join me now and find the nearest window to leave open a ‘Crack for Kelce.'”

Swift was later seen being comforted during an intimate dinner with Jaguars mascot, Jaxson de Ville.

Viewers Look on in Mix of Horror/Excitement as PornHub Announces Its First Ever Shark Week

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MONTREAL, Quebec — Regular viewers of the online pornography streaming company PornHub looked on with a strange mixture of horror and excitement as the company announced its first ever Shark Week, confirmed sources.

“OK, what’s their angle here?” asked local pervert Jesse Entingh with some newspaper placed suspiciously over his lap. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of autoeroticism and the erogenous cinematic arts, but hot sharks just sound frightening. I mean I’m already afraid of a woman’s teeth when getting a blowjob, or I would be if I could ever get one. But a shark blowjob would just have way too many teeth that forever regenerate which is what I learned from regular Shark Week. But then again maybe the danger is what would make it hot. Oh god, my boner is so confused.”

Executives at PornHub felt that having a Shark Week was completely on brand for them.

“I just feel that the PornHub has a real special kinship with oceanic apex predators,” stated vice president of marketing Charles Schaeffer. “Porn is under attack right now just like the noble shark. I mean, you don’t see people turning our performers into soup just yet, but they are adding age verification laws in many US states which really attack our brand. Anyway, have you ever heard of a nurse shark? Well, without spoiling anything, let’s just say some other nurses will be involved.”

Marine biologists were similarly nonplussed about the decision to combine porn and sharks.

“While I appreciate their commitment to protecting biodiversity, sharks are animals and can’t consent to whatever they want to do,” said Andrea Horn PhD. “I do hope they use protection though and by that I mean shark cages. But maybe condoms too? I’ve been studying sharks for 30 years and I have no idea if people can get shark STDs. I guess we would call this new disease ‘sharkphylis’? Dammit, I’m suddenly invested in this and I didn’t want to be. Stupid sexy sharks.”

At press time, several male performers were concerned that the upcoming bear week might be more literal than what they initially signed up for.

Here’s Which Episodes of “Mr. Wizard” To Watch in What Order To Make Crystal Meth

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Don Herbert better known as “Mr. Wizard” was the beloved host of “Mr. Wizard’s World,” an educational science show that even the most jaded Gen X’er came to love while watching Nickelodeon in the 80s. However, you might as well have called him Walter White because hidden within his many practical chemistry lessons was all the information you needed to know in order to make crystal meth. Here’s which episodes you need to watch in order to become your town’s new Heisenberg!

Season 1, Episode 4: Mr. Wizard goes to the store
In this episode, Mr. Wizard instructs the kids about how to space out purchasing all of the materials you need without raising suspicion. He has his child assistants visit multiple stores and only use cash to purchase their materials. He also coached the children to put pepper up their noses before buying the Sudafed to really sell their “colds”.

Season 2, Episode 7: Adventures in chirality
Chirality is the principle in chemistry that certain molecules can have the same chemical formula while not being superimposable mirror images. This means that you can have chemicals that, despite being made of the same parts, can have completely different properties. In this episode, Mr. Wizard explains that you want the R configuration and not the S configuration because one gets you super high and the other causes impotence.

Season 2, Episode 10: Eating good in the neighborhood
Mr. Wizard takes time to explain the Maillard reaction and how it’s the reaction that makes your bread brown when you make toast. It didn’t teach anything about making meth, but it’s surprisingly interesting, and you’re definitely going to want to understand it when you’re making a celebratory grilled cheese after a successful meth cook.

Season 3, Episode 5: Catalyzing reactions
In this episode, Mr. Wizard explained how catalysts are used in chemical reactions to speed up the rate of a certain reaction while not being used up in the reaction itself. Of course, the best place to get the necessary metals for a lot of these reactions is located right behind your muffler. The kids really enjoyed getting the shiny stuff in this episode, and their smaller size made it much easier for them to use the band saw.

Season 5, Episode 10: How to make meth
Unsurprisingly, this was the last episode of Mr. Wizard, because he dropped any and all pretenses and just straight up made meth. In retrospect, watching any of the other episodes was unnecessary because in this episode, he just straight-up makes meth before getting tackled by DEA agents.

Rediscovery of Incubus Leads to Most Boring Midlife Crisis Ever

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local husband and father of three Brad Devins recently rediscovered a burned copy of Incubus’ 2001 album “Morning View” resulting in the most boring midlife crisis in recorded history, confirmed sources.

“I don’t know why I hadn’t listened to them in so long, I loved that band ever since my roommate in college burned their CD for me,” said Devins while rummaging through his basement to find his Boss Phaser pedal. “Just finding that CD has changed everything, as soon as I heard that opening bass line, I felt a renewed sense of life. I think I’m even going to try dreadlocks, as long as my job’s cool with that. I don’t know how the door of my mind got closed so tight, but my friend Colin said that Whole Foods sells an organic essential oil that’s kinda like Molly, so I think it’s time I took a trip in the comfort of my 3,700-square-foot house, and let Brandon and the boys show me the way.”

While Devins has been enjoying his nostalgia trip, his daughter has been completely embarrassed by her father’s behavior.

“Ugh, this is worse than when he found a pair of JNCOs in our basement, like a hundred times worse,” said daughter Heather Devins while trying to drown out the sound of singer Brandon Boyd shouting “fuck me in my own way” repeatedly. “It really became unbearable yesterday when he cornered some of my friends and started playing ‘Wish You Were Here’ on guitar after suggesting they spend some time just living under the stars on such a beautiful evening. Then he asked us if we wanted to go to the planetarium to see a light show. He’s the worst.”

Psychologist Anne Jenkins has seen the behavior before but feels the word “crisis” might be a little strong.

“Its really all the Napster generation has and honestly, it’s just a phase,” said Dr. Jenkins while cracking a shit eating grin. “There’s way worse disorders that nostalgia can bring on. Last week I had a 47-year-old who couldn’t stop telling his coworkers he was going to ‘break their fucking face tonight’ before moshing into their cubicles. The Incubus situation does take time, but usually wears out when the individual realizes they are not a 21-year-old female at a state university or that one puff of weed will just make them sleepy and want to go to bed at 6:00pm.”

At press time, Devin’s wife was close to orgasming to a picture of Boyd her husband hung up in the bedroom.

“Unacceptable,” IDF Commander Responds to Report That Some Hospitals in Gaza Are Still Operating

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — High-ranking officials in the Israeli Defense Force were alarmed by a report that the targeted bombing of a hospital killed 20, including five journalists, because they were under the impression they had already leveled every medical facility, sources confirmed.

“We thought we had taken care of all these hospitals months ago, I’m embarrassed that we allowed such a facility to stand for this long. To think that it was allowing people to deliver life-saving care to wounded individuals just makes me sick,” said IDF General Yaniv Salama. “I was hoping all the hospitals in the region would be reduced to rubble by now so we could focus our attention on primary schools, open-air markets, and places we labeled as ‘Designated Safe Zones.’ Thankfully we have plenty more artillery coming our way and the United States won’t let anyone stop us, so within the next few days you can expect the shelling to intensify so we can get that hospital count down to zero.”

Popular right-wing pundits believe the IDF still has a lot of work to do.

“I see these death tolls in Palestine and I can’t help but think the Israeli troops could be doing more, especially when it comes to journalists. I know we have the Geneva Conventions and all, but they’ve already violated those so many times already it can’t hurt to test out some chemical weapons,” said Tommy Lubber, host of the Conservative podcast “Sweet Land of Liberty w/ Tommy Lubber.” “Here’s the thing, I wish I could send more of my tax dollars to the IDF. My money shouldn’t be going to entitlement programs here in the United States, I want my money leveling the Middle East.”

President Trump responded to the reports of Israel’s aggression.

“Lots of people are saying that bombing these hospitals is actually a good thing. Maybe we could get a Trump hospital in there. It would have the best doctors in the world, working for free because they love me so much they just feel honored to be working in a hospital with my name on it,” rambled Trump. “I’ve talked with Netanyahu, he says this was an accident, and I believe him. Nobody would lie to me, and I hate liars. Like all the liars that say I knew that creep Jeff Epstein, why are we even talking about him right now? Quit bringing him up.”

At press time, IDF leaders were heartened to find out a recently fired missile destroyed the clean water supply into Southern Gaza.

Report: Teachers More Triggered by “Back to School” Advertisements Than Their Students

Posted on by Ben Friedman

GAITHERSBURG, Md. — A report released by the National Education Association on school preparedness found that U.S. teachers were exponentially more likely to have a nervous breakdown over the sight of “back to school” ads than their students, the organization has confirmed.

“The report was supposed to be about how much educators and families were spending on school supplies but every teacher we presented with a ‘back to school’ flyer from a retail store dropped to the floor and threw a temper tantrum. It turns out they don’t want to go back to the classroom even more than the children,” said NEA rep Helene Thompkins. “Our study found, even after two seconds of exposure, teachers were eight times more likely than students to experience panic attacks, bargaining for more time off, or calling in bomb threats to Target demanding they take down their displays.”

Teachers who participated in the study made it clear that any ad celebrating the upcoming school year would be met with hostility.

“Are they trying to fuck with us? I haven’t even got my first paycheck from my second summer job, there’s no way I’m ready to go back, man. I just turned in final grades, why won’t big box stores leave us alone?” said 7th grade history teacher Oliver Vail. “These stores need to be more aware of how triggering their signs are. I don’t care how much of a ‘discount’ they’re offering teachers, it doesn’t change that we can’t enjoy summer for two fucking seconds before being forced to buy our own supplies to teach kids who don’t want to learn.”

PTA groups across the country acknowledged a growing shortage of mentally healthy teachers.

“We are well aware these stores are pushing back to school sales earlier each year based on how much our kids complain, but this report has us concerned these psychotic breakdowns over pencil sales will lead to overcrowded classrooms. I mean do these schools really expect us to carry the burden of buying our children’s supplies two weeks after the last day of class?” said PTA president Kelly Smith. “We ran into my children’s English teacher in Walmart, and she started having some sort of flashback and demanded we prove my son didn’t use AI to write his paper and began burning all the kids’ clothing.”

The report also found that teachers were equally triggered by “back to college” sales because it reminded them of a time in their lives when they were young and still had hope.

Real Life Magic School Bus? This Guy Says We Can Explore the Galaxy if I Get in His Van

Posted on by Ben Friedman

One of the best aspects of childhood was it being so natural to ask what, why, and how anything and everything existed. And for us millennials, The Magic School Bus was one of the best gateways to knowledge. Who wouldn’t have fun with Ms. Frizzle spearheading madcap adventures through science and nature? But then we grew up, and PBS was defunded. And once the magic was gone, learning felt like a chore (when our jobs weren’t taking up all of our mental energy).

Today though, the spirit of adventure and exploration has reawakened in me, and I feel that I’m on the precipice of an unforgettable learning experience just like those kids at Walkerville Elementary, because this guy just rolled up to me and said if I get in his van, we can explore the galaxy.

Everything I learned about stranger danger is telling me I’m going to be reported as a missing person, but in the spirit of discovery, I’m going to roll those dice and get my science on. Though if Dr. Bob (no last name) is right, in about ten minutes, we’re going to blast through the stratosphere for a quick but informative trip through our solar system and beyond. I can only assume the van’s windows are blacked out to protect us from harmful cosmic radiation.

I’m not dumb. If this guy told me we were going to explore the insides of some guy’s body, obviously, I’m going to be in a snuff film, and it would be a hard pass. But did the Frizz ever use her anthropomorphic school bus for evil? Of course not. I mean all the rust on the van kinda makes it look like a bus when you squint. That’s why I have to trust this man, and that the special candy he gave me will help ease my motion sickness upon blastoff.

Surely Ms. Frizzle turned a few heads at school every time she nearly got her class killed, and I’d bet the good doctor here is on a few police watch lists. But that doesn’t change the fact that they just wanted to help people grow and understand the universe. Based on the number of people passed out on the van floor, they must’ve gone beyond the asteroid belt and back in a day.

So have fun being stuck on Earth in a boring old planetarium, I’m about to experience the real deal. Seatbelts, everyone!

Trump Escalates Talk of World War III By Calling for Assassination of Scottish Indie Rock Band Franz Ferdinand

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the “Very noisy, not very talented” Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.

“I love music, a lot of people say I’m one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Philharmonic, but when I auditioned they actually said ‘Mr. Trump, you are just too talented, the audience wouldn’t be able to handle it.’ So I quit right then and there and decided to become a billionaire, and that was easy,” said President Trump. “My main goal as president is to keep America safe, that is why today I’m deploying the FBI, CIA, and elite Marine units to eliminate the threat of Franz Ferdinand touring again on American soil. These dudes, and they are really bad dudes, played a lot of concerts during the Obama years, and we can’t let those radical leftist politics become the norm.”

Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos was surprised by Trump’s remarks.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he’s even heard of us. I thought he only listened to Village People and Kid Rock. But I’m taking this threat very seriously, I’m avoiding public spaces, I’m not letting anyone else prepare my food, and I’m definitely not taking a ride in my 1910 Gräf & Stift Bois de Boulogne phaeton,” said Kapranos. “The rest of the band members are in an undisclosed location waiting out the storm, and also writing some new music. I’ve heard some of the recordings, it’s a fun electropop throwback sound that I think a lot of people are going to enjoy, unless we are killed of course.”

Barnard College History Professor Angela Lyston believes this is Trump distracting from topics plaguing his administration.

“President Trump’s administration is still facing lots of criticism because they haven’t released the Epstein files, the start of another World War might be just the thing he needs to get that monkey off his back. Right now, Russia is under a lot of pressure from Europe to end the war in Ukraine, but this could play right into the President’s hands if a Grammy-nominated band is assassinated for political gain,” said Lyston. “Thankfully for the guys in Franz Ferdinand it seems like DOGE cuts have really limited the killing capacity of the US black ops.”

At press time, President Trump is reportedly ready to build up America’s Air Force by ordering hundreds more albums by the B-52s.

“This is Why We Do It” Says ICE Agent After Reading Letter From 6-Year-Old Saying “You Ruined My Life”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing how Holsen and other ICE agents destroyed her family and ruined her life, sources confirmed.

“Terrorizing marginalized communities is often a thankless job. There are a lot of elements to this job that most people don’t see. Every day I go back to the hotel I have to put ice on my knuckles to treat the swelling because I punched someone in the head the wrong way, and a lot of times the pepper spray I use to subdue an agua fresca street vendor sprays back in my face, and that shit hurts,” said Holsen. “But then I get a letter like this from a young girl named Maria who tells me how she misses her dad, and how her mom cries herself to sleep every single night and it makes me remember why I signed up for this job. I love to know that I’m making a difference and making the lives of people I’ve never met infinitely more nightmarish.”

ICE’s Los Angeles Field Office Director Mark Reifeld says that Holsen is one of the most promising recruits he has seen in years.

“Agent Holsen has really hit the ground running. He’s constantly innovating ways to sneak up on migrant workers in the Home Depot parking lot so we can arrest them with as little running as possible. Just the other day he suggested we park around the corner and roll up on Lime scooters to catch everyone off guard and it worked,” said Reifeld. “And he took two years of Spanish class in high school, so he knows enough of the language to tell most of the people we are arresting that they will never see their families again. It’s great to have someone with those language skills on site.”

Community activist Yesenia Perez believes there is a special place in Hell for all ICE officers.

“Calling them pieces of dog shit is an insult to the digestive track of dogs. These men, and they are all insecure pathetic men, are unemployable in virtually every other field and now they get to take advantage of the incredibly low recruitment requirements ICE has. These guys are so pitiful that they couldn’t even become real cops, which takes almost no work at all,” said Perez. “But unfortunately this administration is giving ICE all the power they want, so the best we can do is hope these agents decide to blow their own heads off. But I won’t hold my breath.”

At press time, Holsen said he plans on unwinding this weekend by volunteering to euthanize dogs at an overrun animal shelter.