Today the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charity, and goodwill. Police are still trying to piece together the torrid, complicated, high-octane series of events that led to his tragic death when the mega yacht he had stolen exploded, along with an estimated 2.6 billion dollars worth of cocaine. Here’s what we know so far about the final days of former President and legendary underworld anti-hero, Jimmy Carter:

December 24th, 2024

Georgia Home, 7:00 – 9:00 a.m.:
According to family and loved ones, President Carter began the morning of Christmas Eve like any other. He awoke from under a pile of philosophical musings, song lyrics, and erotic poetry he had written the night before, downed two cups of cold brew coffee, and performed a nunchaku kata shirtless in the light of the rising sun.

A niece reported that around 8:00 a.m. he received a phone call from a still unknown associate. The former President listened to the speaker intently, his face growing stern, before replying “You tell Ramirez that this time, it’s personal.” and hanging up. When his niece asked who the caller was, Carter simply smiled and replied “Oh, just a ghost from Christmas past.”

Moments later Carter entered the living room where he stood a while transfixed by the family Christmas tree. After a long contemplation, he announced to the room “You know what this tree is missing? Some trim. Looks like ole’ Jimmy’s goin poon huntin.” His family members rolled their eyes, knowing protesting was pointless. They all knew that when Jimmy had pussy fever, there was only one cure.

Sure enough, moments later, his security detail could be seen scrambling helplessly as Jimmy Carter’s trademark fire-engine-red 1971 Dodge Charger jumped the gate blaring “Slow Ride” by Foghat. The Secret Service would remain one step behind the former President right up until the explosion that claimed his life.

Miami, 11:00 p.m.:
Carter arrives at Breakneck Alley, a notorious hotspot for high-stakes drag racing, sex workers, and drug trafficking, with a convoy of four other souped-up muscle cars all driven by members of his loyal mercenary group known only as “The Family.” A cheering crowd surrounds the convoy. Carter is something of a legend in the world of underground street racing.

Carter steps out of the car, humbly raises a hand to quiet the crowd, and says “I know what a lot of you young bucks are thinking right now — ‘Is today the day I race old man Jimmy out of his pink slips?’ Well if you want a lesson in humility, there will be time for that later, but right now me, and the fam want ourselves a merry little Christmas, and that means we need us some hoe hoe hoes. How many of you sexy ass ladies wanna go skiing with Jimmy Carter?!” He is heard saying “Just move the guns over” as the last woman of the night filed into the back of his car, and the crew speeds off into the bright lights of Miami.

Hours later, the crew throws a party at a Motel-6 the cops know to stay away from. According to the manager, “Carter and the family broke every damn bed we got.”

December 25th, 2024

Fort Myers Beach, 7:00 a.m.:
In the span of 45 minutes and with the assistance of half a dozen call girls, Carter builds 400 homes in a community recently devastated by a hurricane. A helicopter touches down to retrieve them, armed men urgently waving Carter on saying “Move move move, go go go!” Carter gets one foot in the chopper, turns back to the thankful crowd, and tosses a large ring of keys to a 12-year-old boy saying “You’re in charge now little man. Keep the faith.”

The Docks, 11:45 p.m.:
Surveillance footage seems to show a large drug shipment being received by a Bolivian gang. One of the gang members can be heard saying “You know, after this, I might go shoot a kid just for fun!” and everyone laughs, so you know these are really, really bad guys. Suddenly, Carter and his team emerge from the shadows, guns blazing. They are hopelessly outnumbered but if that scares them, they don’t show it. With expert tactics and marksmanship Carter and the family take down gang member after gang member, who as we established are particularly evil so you don’t have to feel bad about it. Eventually, the gang’s leader finds himself surrounded and alone. Carter approaches him, reaches into the pocket of the gang leader’s duster jacket, and retrieves a microchip of some kind.

CARTER: Looks like someone’s been naughty this year.
GANG LEADER: You’re crazy man! Do you have any idea who you’re stealing from?!
CARTER: You go tell your boss he’s next. Go, before I change my mind!

The gang leader scampers off sheepishly. Carter hands the microchip to one of his mercenaries.

CARTER: Get this to Mr. Nobody. Tell him Jimmy says Merry Christmas.
MERCENARY: What do we do with all the coke?
CARTER: Well, I don’t know about you, but I like to snort it.

December 28th, 2024

Paris, 2:00 p.m.:
A security camera catches Carter wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off and a large chain necklace. In one hand he holds a bottle of wine, in the other an NPR tote bag containing a baguette and a single rose. It is unknown how he got there, but he bears the look of a man who has been double-crossed, left for dead, and doesn’t know what comes next.

7:00 p.m.:
Carter gives an impromptu public reading of a book he wrote just hours before. Everyone fortunate enough to have heard it claims it to be his magnum opus. It details his philosophy of humanitarianism, offers a solution to the conflicts in the Middle East that would absolutely work, and ends with a poem on the fertility of red Georgian soil that would make the most money-hungry conservative in the world weep like a child. He then lights his zippo and tosses it atop his manuscript, the only copy. When the crowd of Parisians, tears in their eyes, ask “Why?” Carter replies “Because the time for words is over. Now, it’s time for action.”

December 29th, 2024

Mendoza’s island, 6:00 a.m.:
Little is known about the final showdown between Jimmy Carter and his shadowy arch-nemesis Ramirez, but INTERPOL has been able to confirm a few key details:

• Ramirez was overseeing child slaves loading his yacht with cocaine, cementing his status as extremely evil.
• At some point, Carter performed a crazy motorcycle jump.
• The guy from Carter’s crew who betrayed him to Ramirez turned good again at the very end, sacrificing himself to save Carter. Carter assured his dying friend that they would always be family, and he was dying a hero.
• Carter coldly wished Ramirez a Happy New Year right before triggering the explosion that killed both men.
• At the time of the explosion, Carter was fully erect.

It’s easy to despair facing the loss of one the greatest Americans in living history, but we should all try to remember the words of the man himself. “If I die going fast, don’t mourn me, because I died doing what I love.” Jimmy Carter, dead at age 100.