Crying Baby on Flight Speaks for Everyone

Posted on by Rachel Hein

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local infant became the voice of the people as he wretched in discomfort and unleashed a harsh, ear-splitting wail reserved only for the skies, a sentiment that was shared across all passengers and crew, sources confirm.

“Listen, the kid was spot on,” shared witness Richard Halverson who was seated in the row behind the howling tot. “He looked right at me and spoke truth to power. I felt it in my bones. You know the day I’ve had? Flight cancelled out of Heathrow. Rerouted through Toronto. Luggage tracker shows it’s in Atlanta. And LA’s not even my destination, I’m trying to get to Dallas tonight! I can’t feel my body from the belt down because no leg room. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m sad. It just makes me want to cry, drool, and spit up some bile.”

Mother of the infant of interest, Susan Perry, impressively bounced her son on her knee and actively gesticulated, while bemoaning her lot.

“Oh, you think I wanted to be traveling with this screaming, colicky emotional terrorist? Of course not. My deadbeat husband forgot to coordinate childcare, so I got stuck taking him to my sister’s. This was supposed to be my one weekend to relax and read my fantasy book where the dragon is about to fuck the princess,” Perry lamented while shedding some tears. “I know I’m supposed to love this baby, and I do. I do. But I just miss when I could just stare out the window of a plane, headphones in, all alone with my thoughts. I had so many great thoughts. I don’t remember the last time I did that.”

Co-captain, Sean Whitley, confirmed the child’s tears even triggered a response in the aircraft’s cockpit.

“Yeah we heard it. That kid had some pipes on him. It just reminded me I’m missing my son’s birthday because United had me on call and booked me at the last minute for a long-haul because of delays in Memphis. I hate this job. Growing up, I always wanted to be a pilot, but I wish I’d done literally anything else,” Whitley said with a thousand-yard stare. “My son used to look at me and say, ‘Daddy, do airplane!’ And I’d put him on my back and pretend to lift off the ground like an airplane and zoom around the house, and we’d laugh and laugh. But he’s 17 now. I can tell he doesn’t respect me or admire me like he used to.”

At press time, the infant, deemed fight spokesperson, had a smooth landing and full diaper upon arrival.

If Tool Isn’t the Most Musically Complex Rock Band, Then Why Did All of My Friends Stop Talking to Me?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

As I ponder the waxing moon in contemplative solemnity, free of any obligations either vocational or especially social on this Friday evening with nothing to attend and certainly nothing to attend with anyone, my record player excitedly hums my third go around of Forty Six & 2. Though the masterful musical gambits and ceaselessly complex polyrhythmic, ethereal, incantatory bardic gems that Tool (and no one else, save for perhaps Mozart) consistently lets loose from their unrivaled canon are company enough for a connoisseur of all things fine such as myself, I cannot help but be left befuddled as to the state of my communal isolation. I know that some corn-fed rubes and untold numbers of the uneducated rabble of simpletons that dictate our national dialectic would contend that there are plenty of other bands, artists, and various other stewards of Apollonian pursuits whose body of work is equally as thoughtful, complex, and intentional as that of Tool.

To that, I would posit this immutable query: if that were the case, if Tool is just one of many artists whose work belongs in the uppermost echelon of your regard, then why, over the course of the past six months since my recent discovery of Tool, would all of my friends, in systemic and calculable fashion slowly but surely stop talking to me?

I am certainly well-read and conscientious enough to ascertain that my relentless intellectual caterwauling extolling the unparalleled virtuosity of Tool’s albums and the fact that only a mind such as the one that rests serenely atop my shoulders and seemingly mine alone could even begin to comprehend is deterring to many. After all, even I could advocate on behalf of the devil momentarily to empathize with this sordid lot. It’s easy to imagine that it must be jarring, even aggravating for non-Tool fans to, I envision, take breaks from eating their fifth can of Hormel chili at lunchtime from their jobs at the steel mill before going home to their dilapidated shanty towns next to the city dump, only to have an erudite gentleman like me barge into their third world hovels to insist that they listen to Lateralus at full volume lest they be counted forevermore amongst those in that eternal grey twilight of those whose insatiable fetishization of the status quo has led them to the likes of lesser balladeering. However, I remain firm footed in the face of such a squall of mediocrity.

It certainly can’t be the fact that my entire being is repellent to the point of causing active, palpable discomfort, and it certainly can’t be that I’m riddled with a host of other unlikable qualities that would cause any reasonable person to head to the nearest exist at the mere mention of the possibility of my presence. It’s most definitely not that I’m conspicuously absent when the checks are brought at mealtime, that I haven’t bought deodorant since Obama was president, that I correct grammar in comment threads, that I refer to women as ‘females’ in normal conversation, or that I casually fart in crowded rooms and refer to it as “perfectly natural.”

No, the only plausible reason that I can deduce to explain my solitude is that Tool is, perhaps only rivaled by the wheel, the greatest invention of humankind, and the people simply don’t want to hear the truth.

Ska Reunion Show Ruined by Ska

Posted on by Brett Olsen

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local reunion show for ska band Skattergories was reportedly ruined by all the ska music, confirmed sources who wondered when it was going to finally end.

“As a ska fan, I was mortified by all the ska,” said Vinny Smalls, founder of The Skattergordiots fanclub and one-time street team member for the band. “You have to understand—this band was my life, and for the first song or two, I felt like I was back in a bouncy castle in 1996. I was skanking with the best of them until out of nowhere I started to think about 9/11. I lost my rhythm, experienced vertigo, then nearly passed out. It’s like my body physically rejected all the ska. Anyway, I’m less of a Reel Big Fish guy nowadays and more of a Counting Crows kind of dude now. Maybe I’ve aged out of upstrokes.”

Skattergories singer Freddie Kirby could feel the underwhelming energy from the crowd.

“We haven’t changed a thing since we last performed 30 years ago, and while our shows used to be a jovial, raucous riot, everyone tonight just seemed depressed—like something had fundamentally shifted within the last three decades. It’s almost like ska isn’t a dominant music genre in 2025,” said Kirby. “We originally disbanded due to the logistics of having a 17-member horn section, so we were elated to find out that we were all somehow free on the same Saturday. A good three or four fans have been clamoring for a reunion show, and we went all out. I brought 10 vats of pickles, a bushel of kazoos, inflatable beach balls, and we were even going to do a cover of ‘La Cucaracha.’ Somehow, our best wasn’t enough.”

Clinical Psychologist Harold Bernstein says this type of trauma response is not abnormal when attending ska shows.

“What Mr. Smalls experienced is incredibly normal,” said Bernstein. “In a strange way, going to a ska show as an adult is akin to leaving home for the first time, to growing up all over again. Many people may experience an almost out-of-body experience when realizing that the horns which once provided comfort now create headaches and keep them up at night. There’s nothing funny about ska. It’s a dangerous genre that should only be experienced with the proper precautionary measures.”

At press time, Kirby was reviewing the return policy of 400 kazoos while a forlorn trumpet rang out in the distance.

Report: Mom Doesn’t Think You’d Have All These Body Image Issues If You Just Lost a Little Weight

Posted on by Dom Turek

OGDEN, Utah — A local mom offered her daughter some unsolicited advice this weekend, suggesting she might feel more confident about her body if she put down the fork and lost a few pounds, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I think my daughter is beautiful just the way she is,” said concerned mother Dorothy Bell. “But I think she would be even more beautiful if she cut out carbs and lost some weight around her midsection and thighs. Now that I think about it, her arms look a little meaty, too, and her face looks fuller than it did as a teenager. I even offered to pay for excessive skin removal surgery if she lost weight. It doesn’t get more supportive than that.”

Mrs. Bell worries that her daughter’s weight gain and her reluctance to apply full-face makeup before going to the grocery store will hinder her chances of finding a spouse, noting that if she doesn’t find a husband, who will she fantasize about murdering all day?

“My mom comes from a different generation,” said daughter Lindsey Bell. “She insists she’s just worried about my health, but she also insisted I try the ‘Judy Garland Diet’ where you eat nothing but vodka, Adderall, and breath mints for a week. I shouldn’t have expressed my desire to get in shape in front of her. Now she uses every opportunity she can to bring out my old baby pictures and remind me I used to be six pounds.”

According to a dietitian’s standard, the 28-year-old daughter’s BMI is perfectly healthy for someone of her height and lifestyle, but her mom feels her daughter is just ten pounds away from “looking like Ariana Grande.”

“A healthy BMI means nothing to your mom if you don’t look good in a tube top,” said Jason Gates, head nutritionist at Zenith Wellness Center. “A healthy diet, moderate exercise, and a positive self-image can help you live a long and fulfilling life, but it does little to help your parents live vicariously through you. You thought your bodily autonomy began when your umbilical cord was snipped off, but you were wrong. Dieticians and nutritionists alike recommend you lean into the freedom that accompanies knowing you will never be enough for your parents.”

At press time, Mrs. Bell was seen suggesting that her daughter substitute the bread on her sandwich with two pieces of iceberg lettuce.

While I’m Relieved My Son Wasn’t Radicalized by Right Wing Youtubers, His King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard Obsession Isn’t All That Ideal Either

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Being a parent in this day and age means constantly being aware of the internet’s ability to direct your impressionable children towards hateful ideologies and your own powerlessness against its ever-present influence. I’ve heard more than my share of stories of others whose children started spouting white nationalist talking points weeks into following the wrong gaming channels. It’s no small comfort to know my 17-year-old son Caden was never led down such a path. Still, I’d be lying if I said his hyperfixation on prolific Australian rock band King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard didn’t have its downsides.

It all started when I kept hearing him talk about something called “Nonagon Infinity,” and frantically googled it, fearing it was some kind of Christofascist apocalypse death cult, only to find out it was some tripped-out rock album that you can play on an endless loop. I couldn’t even get through one full listen, so I don’t want to know what kind of federally illegal substances one would have to partake in to want to hear it multiple times in succession.

Admittedly, Caden had been withdrawn for so long, and I always encouraged him to find a positive community to help him get out of his shell. So, maybe this is partially on me. But while I know it could be worse, I also know that his going on about microtonality and dressing up like something called “Han-Tyumi” wasn’t what I had in mind. For the love of god, it wasn’t even close to Halloween when he started doing that. And it’s definitely affecting his academic performance. The 29 he got on his first ACT attempt speaks for itself.

I thought that this would be a phase that he would just grow out of after a few weeks, but then I saw his sketch of their logo under the header “Future tat”. Do I need to tell him about my Spacehog tattoo I got lasered off just two years later? At this point, I’m glad he’s not registered to vote because he’d probably just write in “Stu MacKenzie” for every election.

At the very least, I wish he’d admit that “The Silver Cord” sucks and that these guys have no business making electropop.

Embarrassing: Black Metal Headliner Plays Song About Satan Even Though Opener Already Did That

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TRENTON, N.J. — Black metal band Kald Syk completely humiliated themselves by playing a song about Satan after opener Speared Side had already covered the same subject matter, sources report.

“We decided to add the song ‘Praise for the Goat’ because it embodies all that is evil and impure,” Kald Syk frontman Erik Trondhelm said before the band’s encore. “The good people of Trenton deserve to be washed clean of the blood of the lamb, and I look upon it as a duty for Kald Syk to perform such a cleansing. It seems we have received some negative feedback because one of the openers already played a song about the Dark Lord, but we cannot bother ourselves with such trivialities. We do not waste our time worrying about what other bands are doing. As far as we are concerned, we are the only black metal band that writes songs about Satan.”

Speared Side guitarist Darren Riddle was shocked and enraged at Kald Syk’s transgression.

“I can’t believe they thought they could get away with that,” Riddle said. “Everyone was here when we played ‘Soldiers of Lucifer,’ and I even saw some members of Kald Syk in the audience. They need to get some ideas of their own, man, or at least check Encyclopaedia Metallum before they write their songs to make sure the idea hasn’t already been covered by another band. Can you imagine what black metal would be like if every band just covered the same subject with their music?”

Audience member Cora Brenhardt was taken aback by what she saw.

“I never thought I’d see something like that at a black metal show,” Brenhardt observed. “To be completely honest, I was really embarrassed for the members of Kald Syk. Weren’t they paying attention during Speared Side’s set? I can’t imagine being a headliner and doing something like that, even by accident. And they haven’t even apologized for it or anything. They’re just continuing on with their set as if that didn’t even happen. If I were them, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable showing my face around this place after that. I was a huge fan of theirs before this show, but I think I’m going to have to find some other black metal bands to idolize going forward.”

At press time, Kald Syk was criticized further when their drummer used blast beats after Speared Side’s drummer had already done that.

New Study Finds Nation’s Millennials Still Recovering From “The Brave Little Toaster”

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

NEW YORK — A new study from Columbia University revealed that millennials are still recovering from the trauma caused by the 1987 animated Disney film “The Brave Little Toaster.”

“9/11, unending school shootings, record low wages, a global pandemic, along with the refusal of generations before them to retire have made things hard for millennials. And yet all the evidence shows that ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ is at the core of many millennials’ existential dread,” said lead researcher Dr. Akello McGarry. “Their overall inability as a group to get over the air conditioner shorting out and essentially killing himself has led to a lifetime of anxiety and dread. But it doesn’t end there. When asked what they think about the film ‘All Dogs Go To Heaven,’ 97% of millennials responded, ‘Why would you bring that up, you absolute fucking monster?’”

Jenna Clark saw the film on the Disney Channel back around 1990, but the Brooklyn-based graphic designer says that since that day, nothing has ever been the same.

“How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to buy a house when all I can think about is the heartbreak my appliances feel when I don’t use them, or move to a new apartment?” said Clark. “You want me to have and raise kids? I can’t even get Lampy’s death out of my head! And yeah, I know he doesn’t actually die. Why do you think I have trust issues? This is my fourth attempt at a career! On top of that, I’m still trying to heal my trauma from the horse’s death in ‘The NeverEnding Story.’”

Chester Wentworth, the 65-year-old baby boomer CFO of a defense contractor corporation, who was given the job 45 years ago due to his “masculine handshake and Anglo-Saxon bone structure,” says that millennials are just big complainers who want a handout.

“In my day, we didn’t whine about toasters and lamps and whatnot. We were real Americans. We watched ‘Old Yeller’ get shot then went about our day. We may have beaten our wives and flipped out at cashiers, but surely that doesn’t have any correlation,” said Wentworth. “And yes, obviously, we resent millennials for wanting to talk about trauma. All I ask is that you don’t make me think about self-growth or admit that we’ve ever made any mistakes. You know, the way life is supposed to be.”

As of press time, the nation’s millennials were seen collectively huddled around a TV watching “The Iron Giant,” saying, “What’s even the point anymore?”

How That Navy Commercial With the Godsmack Song Failed To Prepare Me for My Dishonorable Discharge

Posted on by Steve Packosky

I still remember it to this day. I was sitting in homeroom, bored out of my fucking mind, when I heard my favorite band, Godsmack, on the TV during Channel One. I snapped to attention and was completely enthralled for the next minute. That Navy commercial made me think I’d be flying planes off aircraft carriers while listening to “Awake” if I enlisted, so much so that I dropped out that day to sign up. Little did I know that I’d be in for a rude awakening. Who thought that the Navy makes you do stuff like exercise and shave? It’s total bullshit.

They really should have provided more information in that little clip. Apparently, the Navy is all about hard work, discipline, and respecting authority, and these are definitely not where my skill sets lie. At no point did narrator Keith David mention just how seriously they frown upon a serviceman leaving his base without permission to do whippets in the parking lot of a nearby TGI Fridays. Seriously, you’d think that would be covered as a disclaimer at the end of the commercial, like when those cholesterol medication ads talk about how they’ll make you shit blood or go insane or whatever. I can’t be the first Navy recruit with this complaint.

So there I was at my court-martial, where no amount of professed Godsmack fandom helped me. Seriously, I even quoted the lyrics to “Voodoo” when asked to plead my case. I thought this would be a smack in the face of everyone who called me an “unbelievably stupid asshole” for choosing to represent myself. The judge didn’t think my likening the Navy’s inordinately strict curfew to a “snake biting into my veins” was as profound as I had hoped, and I got slapped with a Dishonorable Discharge. Thanks a lot, Channel One.

So now I’m back home, with no jobs and no prospects aside from an upcoming audition to sing for a Godsmack tribute band. Seriously, I’m not even allowed to buy a gun now to defend my family/play with while I’m drunk. Can you believe that? Let this be a lesson to you going forward: do not be fooled by any nu-metal appearances in upcoming military recruitment advertisements, because that absolutely does not mean that you won’t have to do stuff and/or have responsibilities. Now, where did I put that application to sell knives for Cutco?

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa Steamer

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s better than Elissa Steamer, confirmed sources.

“Initially, Matt wasn’t gonna be a playable character. He was gonna be a new NPC that just gets in the players’ way, similar to Officer Dick,” said game developer Carl Davids. “But when plans for Matt were leaked, the public demanded he be playable, so we made sure he was as realistic as possible. He can flat-ground ollie on every fifth try, and he supposedly can almost kickflip. He also wants every skate session to end way earlier than anyone else does. We wanted to make sure this character was a modern version of this archetype. In the ‘90s, Elissa Steamer was one of the only famous pro skateboarders who was a woman. That’s no longer the case. So Matt doesn’t just think he’s better than her. He thinks he’s better than all of the female, trans, queer, or non-binary skaters. He also thinks he’s better than any skater he just assumes is gay, which is all of them besides Tony Hawk.”

Local amateur skater Will Nelson couldn’t be more excited for the release.

“Matt is by far the most realistic character in the game,” said Nelson. “Sure, the other characters are literally based on real skaters, but Matt is REAL real. He has a Hook-Ups deck with some super explicit Hentai stuff on, which he rarely actually rides, and he’s always complaining about the spot not being good. His special move is to stand around and say things like ‘I’m just not feeling it today’ or ‘I would, but the angle is off, and also my trucks are too loose and my knee is kinda stiff.’ I mean, I’ve literally met this guy.”

Jessica Younoussi, writer for The Athletic, says while Matt is one of the first playable characters of his kind, there’s a reason he’s so popular in certain groups.

“Matt represents a small but vocal community: Men who can’t, but are pretty sure they could. Whether it’s being convinced they could dunk on Paige Bueckers despite not even being able to dunk, or ‘knowing’ they could score a goal against the entire USWNT, while not actually knowing the rules of soccer. These men feel that they personally deserve to be in the spots that women are in, while doing none of the work to get there. And despite its counterculture history, skateboarding is no different.”

As of press time, several new buyable add-ons for the character had been announced, such as a signature skate shoe Matt refuses to scuff up and a special move where he never brings a woman to orgasm.

Uplifting ISIS Re-Heading Video Goes Viral

Posted on by Tim Graham

RAQQA, Syria — Terrorist organization ISIS is taking credit for a stylish TikTok video showing masked figures successfully reattaching a man’s severed head, according to pleasantly surprised sources.

“We met with a public relations agency and asked plainly, ‘Why do so many people hate and fear us?’ They said it probably has to do with all the bombings and beheadings,” said ISIS spokesman Kassem Al-Azraq. “They helped us produce the video, which has done so much to rehabilitate our image. The agency used CG to make it appear that a man’s head had been restored to his body. The smiling man then stands up, shakes all of the ISIS members’ hands, and they pose for a photo together. The swelling score really makes it quite moving. Hashtag isisgoodguysnow.”

TikTok users have been excitedly spreading the video and sharing their reactions to the heartening content.

“The mainstream narrative has been that ISIS is this evil terrorist group who goes around killing people or whatever,” said new age TikTokker Sandra Bassinet. “But after seeing this video and how it has lifted so many hearts around the world, I have to say my opinion has changed. Everyone makes mistakes, and it looks like these guys are invested in growing and making amends for some of the uncool stuff they’ve done in the past. Check out my reaction video to get a coupon code for a crystal that is charged with positive energy that the video gave me.”

Top-level PR firms are accustomed to the challenges that come along with infamous clients like ISIS, according to Anderson Gein, partner at Gein, Gein and Gacy.

“We’ve handled many cases for high-profile clients with similar negative public opinion,” said Gein. “Correcting these perceptions boils down to our capability to lie very effectively, and on a grand scale. Our main tactic is to flood the zone with bullshit. Ever hear people say online that the January 6 insurrectionists were ‘mostly peaceful’ or ‘just sightseers’? Yeah, that was one of our campaigns. We’ve recently been hired by Russell Brand’s team—if we do our job right, in a year or so Brand will be out promoting a new comedy special, and everyone will have forgotten about those allegations.”

At press time, the Taliban had released an announcement teasing their upcoming series of mukbang videos.