The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Bernie to Put Unsold President 2020 Merch for Sale on Bandcamp

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Gary Doyle

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today that he will put all of his unsold merchandise for sale on his Bandcamp following his decision to officially suspend his 2020 election campaign.

“We think it was the right decision to make following the cancelation of the rest of the campaign,” Sanders explained. “We know we have a lot of disappointed fans who were going to come out and meet us, and hopefully this makes it up to them in a small way. Also, I’ll be glad to get all of this shit out of my van. I haven’t been able to see out my back window in months.”

Members of Sanders’ campaign team admitted their disappointment at the early end of the run.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s a real bummer for us,” admitted campaign assistant Andrew Jones. “We’d invested a lot in the rallies, and without doing the rest of them, it’s going to be pretty tough to recoup our costs. We settled on Bandcamp pretty quickly to help us get out of the red, but we also gave a long look to Patreon, GoFundMe, or raising money by having Bernie give personalised speeches over Skype.”

While disappointed, Sanders’ supporters are looking for silver linings.

“It sucks, but I totally get why they had to do it, given the circumstances,” said Sanders supporter and Madison, Wisc. resident Adina Brennan. “It’s cool we can still buy some tour-exclusive merch, though — it feels nice to have a way to directly support him. I mean, yeah, I could’ve donated to his campaign, or made calls for him, or even voted for him in the primaries… but none of those things would have gotten me a cool T-shirt, would they?”

The Sanders campaign has reportedly contacted the San Francisco 49ers to see how long they held onto their pre-printed “Super Bowl LIV Champions” merchandise before “it got kind of sad.”

Democratic Party Finally Defeats Left-Wing Politics

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party celebrated another milestone today in their continued effort to suppress left-wing politics following Bernie Sanders’ announcement that he was suspending his campaign, ecstatic sources with ties to major banks confirmed.

“The party encourages people to participate. We love that, but we feel Bernie is not a good representation of what modern Democrats stand for,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez. “It’s nothing personal; we just need all of our constituents to know that we’re fighting for them. And Bernie just wasn’t speaking up for the little guys in the fracking industry — or any corporate lobby, for that matter — the way Joe Biden has throughout his career. We are so happy to stand behind Joe before his inevitable loss in November.”

Meaghyn Miller, a 30-year-old graphic designer and registered Democrat, is relieved the party can unite behind 77-year-old Biden.

“I think the choice is obvious. Biden said he’s going to have a female Vice President — why is everybody not focusing on that? Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you need to be angry,” said Miller. “Look, I get it: I’ve been down and out before, but Bernie just isn’t the answer. People need to stop depending on the government to be your nanny. If someone is having trouble making ends meet, they should do what I do and call up my parents and ask them for money. So just shut up already, you misogynistic bros.”

Establishment Democrats can hardly contain their relief that the nominee will not be pushing for a “revolution.”

“Donald Trump sucks and we need to get him out of office,” said Hillary Clinton, the 2016 Democratic nominee. “But if he weren’t President everything else would be fine. What is there to revolt against? We don’t need a revolution. We need things to just go back to exactly how they were: the salad days of drone strikes, interventionist policies, and a status quo that was able to fly under the radar.”

The DNC further instructed Sanders supporters to “hold their noses and vote for someone who openly despises them because that’s what democracy is all about.”

Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Posted on April 8, 2020 by CJ Hernandez

Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe Biden. Many have been calling for Sanders to drop out for weeks, claiming that there was no reasonable path to victory for him after Joe Biden’s strong Super Tuesday showing. These people were wrong, and Sanders has made a huge mistake by dropping out before the very end, when the Bonus Stars are handed out.

Though Sanders was behind in overall delegate count, he was strongly winning in three important categories. First of all, Bernie has been holding rallies, speaking to voters, and stepping on green question marks in working class neighborhoods across all 50 states, meaning he was a shoe-in to win the Happening Star. Given his strong debate performances and Biden’s struggles with communication, it is also highly likely that Sanders would have had the Minigame Star in the bag. Finally, Sanders’ campaign was funded not by billionaire donors or super PACs, but by over 5 million individual Americans contributing an average of just $18 each. Sanders raised over $300 million compared to Biden’s paltry $65 million, meaning that he would undoubtedly have been awarded the Coin Star.

The fact is, the only reason Joe Biden has been the frontrunner for the last few turns was because the other losing players practically handed him a Boo Bell to steal Sanders’ momentum for free, and now Biden has been playing terribly ever since the Last Five Turns event saw Bowser unleash a global pandemic on the board. Now is no time for Bernie to unplug his controller and cede the match by technicality.

It’s clear that establishment Democrats see Joe Biden as Luigi, and believe he can win by doing absolutely nothing. America needs someone who has been loudly and consistently on the right side of history for years, but shunned by the establishment in favor of safe centrist characters. America needs a Waluigi, and that Waluigi was Bernie Sanders.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Country Practices Socialism Distancing

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Shea Strauss

WASHINGTON — Senator Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign earlier today in what can only be described as a national act of “socialism distancing,” according to an official press release from the Democratic National Committee.

“The country has collectively decided this was the best way to not spread any more wild ideas about how a government should treat its citizens,” said DNC spokesperson Tom Perez. “The American people are taking several precautions, such as maintaining a distance of 60 years from any real change and regularly washing their hands of community solidarity. Those who are sick and uninsured are recommended to go fuck themselves; those in college should switch to online classes — like from a free YouTube tutorial — if they want to avoid overwhelming debt. Do we really need more doctors right now?”

“Small gatherings of the top one percent are actively encouraged,” Perez added. “Who are we to tell them to stop having their child sex trafficking parties?”

Sanders was discouraged by the country’s reaction to his candidacy, especially during a time he claimed the United States “needs socialist policies more than ever.”

“Everyone is overreacting to socialism,” said Senator Sanders defiantly. “Does anyone even remember the Red Scare? Are we going to live in fear of public roads, unions, and veteran healthcare, too? There are worse things we haven’t changed our lives over — like the failings of capitalism. I just hope more young people were infected with progressive political thoughts so the next election wipes out even more Republicans and establishment Democrats.”

Vice President Joe Biden had a mixed response when asked for comment.

“It’s a real honky-tonk thug,“ said Biden while wandering aimlessly by a pond. “I’d take it outside and hog-tie it to a maypole, poke it ‘til the sun don’t shine. Listen up, Skippy: I ain’t here to listen to a bunch of worm-headed cattle jockeys. I’m here to churn the butter into even more butter.”

At press time, people across the United States were refusing to adequately practice social distancing because it, like socialism, promotes the common good.

Jello Biafra Sells 45-Minute Long, Politically Charged Birthday Wish Video on Cameo

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Claire Brown

HERNDON, Va. — Local woman Melissa Chang was upset today by a 45-minute long, politically charged birthday wish video from Jello Biafra that she ordered for her friend, Stacy “The Truck” Hansen, according to sources.

“I don’t know what happened. I just asked him to wish Stacy a happy birthday, say hi to Mark and the kids, and tell her that she rocks,” Chang said, confused and frightened as she watched the video in horror. “I can see that he’s in his car recording the video, and he does say ‘hi,’ but right when he’s about to start talking about Stacy, he sees a Chick-Fil-A billboard and just loses his mind. I haven’t even made it to the end — I completely zoned out somewhere around minute 13.”

Despite her friend’s frustration, Hansen thoroughly enjoyed Jello’s impassioned rant.

“All my other friends got me shitty Cameo videos from, like, Shaquielle O’Neal, or Martha Stewart, and they’re all like, ‘Hey, Stacy, just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, you’re the best!’” said Hansen. “This one? This one’s fuckin’ real. Jello doesn’t give a fuck about my birthday. I know that, and he knows I know that, so he doesn’t try to bullshit me. He just wants to educate, and he does that by meandering through a multitude of tangents about Trump, capitalism, old DIY San Francisco venues, and college athletes for a very long time. I really appreciate it.”

Biafra offered a lengthy statement on the video, which he refused to refund but did promise to add to eventually, with “Birthday Wish for Stacy” videos parts two through six.

“The commodification of something as simple as a birthday wish. Oh, how unfathomable it would be for us to simply express our feelings; no, in the capitalist utopia we live in, we outsource the expression our most basic feelings to big-shot celebrities like myself,” Biafra stated. “…and yet you wonder why nobody in this country knows a thing about the real Ronald Reagan [abridged].”

At press time, Biafra had been suspended from Cameo after inciting violence against police officers during a “Congrats, Grad!” video for a 17-year-old boy.

Photo by Wikimedia Commons.

Video Game for Gamers by Gamers

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — A new video game is in production by a group of gamers and is intended to appeal to other gamers, according to video-gaming-playing sources.

“Here’s the thing about our game — it’s not like other games. It’s for gamers and it’s by gamers. We all game here,” said lead developer Rod Graves in the announcement video for Gruck on Kickstarter. “Most video games are made by guys in suits who think video games are, I dunno, a television show for dumb babies. We never wear suits. We actually like video games. And that’s why we want to make games for gamers who also game, just like we do.”

Fans of the upcoming game were quick to praise the game developers for their dedication to gaming.

“I’m so sick of playing games that are created by people who hate video games,” said Gruck Kickstarter backer Stephen French. “I think every person who creates a video game should like video games. Is that so crazy to ask!? So when I saw that Gruck was created by a bunch of guys who actually have played games before, I was like holy shit. Finally a game that’s by gamers and for gamers.”

“Usually you get a game that’s for gamers but by some random people or you get a game that’s by gamers but for people who love fishing or some shit,” French added. “It’s incredibly rare that you get both in one game.”

Despite praise, the developers of Gruck have drawn the ire of many in the industry.

“If you’re a gamer, you just don’t make a game. It’s not right and they shouldn’t do it,” said game developer and game hater Francis King. “I worked my ass off my entire life to get to the point where I make video games and that’s because I fucking hate them. To make a video game that’s for gamers — as gamers — is a slap across the face to developers everywhere. It makes me sick.”

As of press time, it was revealed that Gruck would be a pixel-for-pixel remake of Megaman 2.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

If You Don’t Stand for Good Charlotte’s “The Anthem” You Dishonor All Those Hands That Are No Longer Up

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Ryan Harnedy

A lot of people seem to have forgotten but there was a time when “The Anthem” meant something in this country. Specifically, that time was the fall of 2002 when “The Anthem” was the second single off of Good Charlotte’s seminal pop punk masterpiece “The Young and the Hopeless.” Yet times have changed and fewer and fewer hands are thrown up when the song comes on in a mall or bus or sports bar. Not only does this diminish the importance of what “The Anthem” represents, it dishonors all those hands who are no longer raised.

Is it arrogant to call my generation punk’s Greatest Generation? No, because that is exactly what we are. For those of us that had our mom’s carpool to the front lines of the Warped Tour wars, stood tall during the Battle of Brand New Vs. Taking Back Sunday, survived the Grunge Depression, and pioneered that thing where you slide your pick up the low E string before the final chorus; “The Anthem” was OUR anthem.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a poor scene kid as he asks for a medium and you have to tell him you’re all out? Have you ever even stood in a Warped Tour line? No? Then shut your mouth and throw all your damn hands up when you hear “The Anthem” because these are the experiences that separate the sk8er bois from the sk8er men.

Nowadays, people treat “The Anthem” like it’s some kind of rack to hang your hat on instead of the call to revolution that all us TRL kids knew it was meant to be. And for the record, the only acceptable hats to hang on The Anthem are pork pie, trucker, and FlexFit worn backward.

Maybe to the next generation of scene kids “The Anthem” is just a song. But for all of you who feel me, who sing if you’re with me; The Anthem isn’t just another loser anthem (despite what the actual lyrics of the song may say). So when you refuse to throw up your hands for Good Charlotte’s “The Anthem,” you dishonor all of those hands that are no longer up.

Guy Can’t Decide Which Shirt to Wear While Watching Band’s Instagram Live Stream

Posted on April 8, 2020 by James Webster

Austin, Texas — Local punk Michael Russell struggled yesterday to pick a T-shirt to wear while watching the Instagram live stream of local band Flower Pedals, according to his very frustrated girlfriend.

“It’ll be my first time since quarantine started that I’m actually watching a band’s live stream,” said Russell. “I’ve never done this before and I’m pretty nervous — I don’t want to end up looking like some sort of poser. You remember your first show, right? You wanted everyone to think you were cool. The only difference is that this time, my mom doesn’t have to drop me off. Although she does pay my phone bill, so…”

Not everyone was sympathetic to Russell’s anxieties, however — least of all Dana Moynihan, Russell’s girlfriend and roommate.

“I don’t understand why he’s so fixated on this,” said Moynihan. “Nobody but me is going to have to see him, but he still spent 45 minutes picking the perfect shirt. He’s actually worried that maybe the band will ask him to join the stream to sing along or something, and he wants to be prepared. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, though — this is actually the first time in two weeks he’s taken a shower and worn something other than a crusty, hooded sweatshirt.

Local scene veteran and punk etiquette expert Patrick Klein believes this current crisis should not affect how one watches live music.

“It’s simple,” said Klein, ringing up a six pack. “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you’re gonna watch a band’s live stream, you still don’t want to be some knob wearing the band’s merchandise. We all know ‘that guy,’ and it still applies now. You’ve gotta walk the walk if you’re gonna talk the talk. Punk’s a mindset, it’s a lifestyle: you have to commit to it. But don’t commit to it too hard, because then all that effort makes you look like a tool.”

Russell is now reportedly shirtless in his living room so that he won’t overheat while typing lyrics in capital letters in the comments section.

World 1-1 Koopa Claims to be World 3-6 Para-Koopa On Dating App

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Just Lunning

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Continuing the trend of deceitful users of the Mushroom Kingdom’s dominant dating app, Mushd, a love-seeking Goomba named Sandra, 26, recently met up with Michael, 29, a World 1-1 Koopa Troopa who had been posing as a World 3-6 Para-Koopa, disappointed sources confirmed.

“Yeah, he’s got the shell, but where are the wings?” Sandra exclaimed in a review of her date. “I guess it’s not the worst lie I’ve seen on Mushd. One time I met up with a Wiggler who had been pretending to be one of Bowser’s kids. That was really embarrassing.”

Michael responded that the wings in his Mushd profile photo were “just a joke”, something that he tried on at a costume shop.

“I thought it was pretty obvious from the look on my face in that photo that I was being sarcastic about having wings. I mean, I wish I had them, too! I’ve tried using every kind of cream and gel but I can’t grow them by natural means. That doesn’t make me less of a Koopa, though. We all look the same once Mario jumps on us and we’re standing there in our boxers. If you ask me, she’s being shallow if she can’t see past a little white lie.”

Other users have had similarly dishonest experiences on Mushd.

“I was chatting for months with this Toad named Captain,” said Leanne, a 29-year-old Birdo. “We really bonded over the fact that we were both from World 3-6, and stuff like how pretty the local Super Leaves are. He even told me a funny story about getting in trouble for hitting the local P-Block and stealing a bunch of coins.”

When Leanne asked to hang out, she discovered that Captain actually resided in World 8-4. He was just “exploring” World 3-6, so he knew the locale well enough to lie about it.

“World 8-4 is like a 45-minute warp pipe commute,” said Leanne with disgust. “I’m not looking for something long-distance. I’m almost 30 and I’m still single, there are only so many more eggs that I’ll be able to spit out of my mouth. I have to find someone to settle down with, and all of these liars on Mushd are really cramping my style.”

When asked for comment, Captain retorted, “You can just go to World 4-2 and get an express warp pipe to World 8-1. I don’t see the big deal, bring a book or something.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How to Use Cyberbullying to Overcome Social Distancing

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Shea Strauss

While isolating during the pandemic, it’s understandable to feel disconnected from other people. TO keep an air of normalcy, we must keep our interpersonal relationships intact. This can be achieved by reaching out to one another with kind words but we must not forget a core element of human interaction: being mean to each other. That’s where cyberbullying comes in. While you are social distancing, cyberbullying is a way to stay connected with foes during these trying times.

Here are several tips to keep your enemies closer while keeping six feet apart.

Face-to-face from Afar – When possible, use FaceTime or Zoom to communicate. It’s important to pick-up on cues like body language or facial expressions to see how well your insults land. Videoconferencing allows you to find more things to comment on, instead of just their words, like their stupid choice of interior decorating, unkempt hair, pajamas, or what they look like without makeup.

“Thinking of You” Messages – Days can run together in quarantine, so simply taking a few minutes out of your day to let someone know why they suck is the perfect opportunity to ruin someone’s day. Send someone a private message with slights that are specific to their insecurities. Let them know that while you are apart, you are grateful for the distance.

Growing Your Community – If you don’t already have someone who consistently causes you to experience blinding rage, you might be surprised at the places where you can find enemies! Look for your next target on local community message boards or make fun of the desperate people who are looking for friendships online.

Reach Out to an Old Rival – Now is a great time to reconnect with that dork from high school who was always raising her hand or that former coworker who chewed with his mouth open. You probably have lots of old material that has been simmering for years. Let them know you’ve been thinking about them. More specifically, let them know you’ve been thinking about how much of a piece of garbage they are.

Group Chats – Try cyberbullying with a group of friends. Nothing unites people like a common enemy! Human connection is of the utmost importance right now and we can use technology to maintain and strengthen the bonds of hatred that hold us together.

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